Long-Term Recovery: The Gratitude List

I used to have horrible mornings, and they would lead to incredibly horrible days. I would set my alarm clock for when I needed to wake up, but it was my daily pattern to hit snooze several times before getting out of bed. When I would finally get out of bed, I would be running late. That would lead to me throwing on clothes, leaving work with neither a prepared lunch nor breakfast. If I was lucky, I would grab a pop tart while I was headed out the door. If I didn’t have one of those, I would stop at McDonalds or just go without eating breakfast.

Generally, I had to go without because I didn’t have time to stop at a drive through and still be to work on time. I would speed through traffic, furious at the people in front of me going the speed limit because they had left themselves enough time to get to work early. How dare they not consider me and when I had to be to work! What were they thinking, following the speed limit? That thing is more of a suggestion, really! Then I would get to work hungry, mad about the inconsiderate drivers and stressed because I was almost late.

How many of you does this describe?

If you can relate to any of the above, I have a great idea for you. It is something that worked for me, and I believe it will work for you as well. It may seem too easy at first, but you will still find it hard to apply. It will involve developing a new pattern, which can be difficult. At least it was for me, at first. Now, I swear by it. Today, I can’t imagine starting my day any other way.

First step is to set your alarm clock for 30 minutes before you need to wake up. That is actually the easiest part. The hard part is getting up when your alarm clock goes off, without hitting snooze AT ALL! As soon as your alarm goes off, roll out of bed and head to the kitchen. Do not snooze, do not go back to bed go directly to the kitchen.

Once in the kitchen, I start coffee. On very rare occasions I will brew a cup of tea. I have a Keurig, so this is really easy. I have known some people who had a clock on their coffee makers who would set the coffee to begin brewing at the same time they set their alarm for in the bedroom. You don’t want it to be ready already, because you still have something to do.

Next I write out my gratitude list while the coffee brews. Then I relax and enjoy my coffee while I give thanks to my Higher Power for the things I am grateful for. I feel this is something that is sorely missing, especially in the  United States. Most people, when they pray, don’t do it to give thanks. The “Our Father Prayer” today would sound something like this, “Our Father, who art in heaven, give me give me give me give me. Amen.”

I choose to give thanks to God for all I have, and the things on my gratitude list give me several things to focus on for the morning. After spending 10-15 minutes doodling, meditating and praying I then get ready for work. By the time I get ready for work I am still ahead of schedule and have plenty of time to get to work. I don’t have to speed, I don’t have to get mad at the person in front of me “only” going the speed limit and when I get to work I am in a great mood and that leads to me having a great day way more often than I used to when I didn’t do a daily gratitude list.

 Enter the gratitude list. Some of you may be wondering what a gratitude list is, or may already be doing one and are just reading this to reaffirm what you are doing. I warn you, my gratitude list is a little different. It has morphed as I have done it through the years and become more than just words on a piece of paper that I threw into a box.

Generally, a gratitude list is simply a piece of paper you write on. You write anywhere from 3-10 things you are grateful for, trying to list different things every time you do it so that your list is not exactly the same, day in and day out. Many people do a gratitude list on a daily basis, generally in the morning to start their day off positive while others do it at the end of their day to help them compartmentalize and unwind. Most have a simple gratitude list that goes like this:

1.      Today I am grateful for my wife.

2.      Today I am grateful for clean drinking water.

3.      Today I am grateful for my car.

That would be great, if you were making a grocery list of things to pick up from the store. The gratitude list is extremely important, not just to start my day off on the right foot but at times to reread if I am feeling a little drained, moderately depressed or completely hopeless at some time over the course of the day. You need to embellish when making your gratitude list, a little or a lot. Own it and make it yours.

Your gratitude list should have genuine feelings so it can elicit a positive response either in the morning when you originally write it out or when you come back and look at it later. If you don’t add details and emotions, then the gratitude list is just one more obligatory thing to do you will check off your daily list. Don’t get me wrong, doing it that way is good. That said, I don’t want you to do good things and live a good life, I want you to do things great and live an amazing life. Supercharge your gratitude list! So how do I get more emotion into mine?

I have several techniques I like to use:

1.      Add details. Don’t just say you are grateful for something, list why you are grateful for it. Instead of saying “I am grateful for _________,” say why are grateful for that person. What do you love about that person? What do you love to do with that person? How does that person make your life better?   

2.      Scrapbook it. Add photographs, use words cut from a magazine, write in different colored inks, doodle.  Grateful for a movie or a band, glue a ticket stub on the page.

3.      Draw pictures. If you are grateful for something, draw a picture of it then write reasons you are grateful for it around the picture.

Bottom line; make your gratitude list yours! Use it to start your day off better and also as a constant reminder when life kicks your butt that you still have many things to be thankful and grateful for. I have used my gratitude list to drag me out of several funks before they got a chance to reach a full blown depressive episode.

I have a picture of one of my past pages, before I got a journal I  put them in, for you to look at. It is pretty obvious you don’t need to be an artist to do this. You don’t have to be a wordsmith. You need only be optimistic and honest about the things you are grateful to have in your life and wake up 30 minutes early to record them.  

This is something so simple yet so necessary that I don’t believe you can have an incredibly strong recovery without it. This is just one more of the reasons I can say that I will NEVER use again. Relapse does not scare me anymore. What scares me is not living life to its potential. If you are like me and constantly look for ways to improve the life you have, add a daily gratitude list. You need only record 3 things a day for 30 days and I guarantee you will have a better outlook on life than you had before you started doing it. 

Featured Write Up about Better Life in Recovery from Addiction Professional Magazine's November/December 2014 Issue by Gary Enos

In his role as an addiction counselor, David Stoecker figures he can have an impact on possibly around 100 people a year. As director of the community organization Better Life in Recovery (BLIR) in Springfield, Mo., Stoecker is looking to influence the lives and thoughts of thousands.

The community events that BLIR sponsors might seem modest when looked at in isolation, but Stoecker sees them as building local traditions and putting a public face on recovery. Maybe a river cleanup event will strengthen a recovering person's resolve to continue to give back in her daily life. Maybe seeing an elected leader throw out the first pitch before hundreds of recovering individuals at a ceremony preceding a minor-league baseball game will give a fan in the stands some pause to think about how substance abuse affects his world.

“The idea for BLIR started on a bike ride with my wife,” recalls Stoecker, 42. “I felt that I wasn't doing enough, but I wasn't sure what to do.”

He started the effort four years ago, around a year into his own recovery. “I was kind of letting things come to me at first,” he says. He knows exactly the moment when it became clear that he needed to turn up the intensity on his work in recovery advocacy: It happened when he read online comments posted by ordinary citizens reacting to the death of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.

“They disgusted me,” Stoecker says of the postings. “People were saying things like, 'See, these people never get better,' and 'Who cares? It's just another junkie.'”

 

Uncovering opportunities

Stoecker has recruited subcommittees to work on extending BLIR's mission, which its website describes as an effort “to deal hope and decimate stigma” surrounding addiction through educational and awareness events. The momentum for bringing on more assistance started when around three dozen local treatment and recovery leaders accepted his invitation to a meeting to discuss ways to change the language around addiction and recovery in Springfield. At that meeting he shared data about relapse, and his own resolve that the community could do better.

BLIR, which two years ago became a nonprofit organization, has been seeking closer partnerships with community entities such as the Springfield public schools. A group of people in recovery recently completed playground restoration work for the schools. Stoecker has even visited his 7-year-old's elementary school class, but he'd like the chance to speak before state legislators soon as well.

“We're reducing lengths of residential stay in Missouri,” he says. “We're going to create a revolving door and keep people mired in their addiction.”

Stoecker's wife is a videographer and has assisted in raising BLIR's visibility. Stoecker is also featured in a public service announcement that is frequently broadcast locally, and he is working on a documentary for which he is seeking grant funding, with the goal of being able to show the film in local schools. He says the organization that employs him as a counselor, Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, has strongly supported his efforts in the greater community.

“Community awareness and education, that's really my passion,” he says. “Fighting stigma head-on.”

Gave faith a chance

Stoecker, who grew up in Illinois, says he had started using substances by 7th grade. Moving to Missouri in part to escape the drug culture, he instead became introduced to methamphetamine and dropped out of high school during his senior year.

“I was in and out of jail,” he says. “I turned 21 in prison. I would end up getting my GED in prison.”
Stoecker experienced his own revolving door of treatment stays and life in the community, usually with little recovery support during periods at home. He had been abused during childhood and considered himself agnostic, but would later experience a shift toward the spiritual.

“I figured I had tried everything else, so I would give God a chance,” he says. “When I focused on recovery and faith, I never looked back.”

He attends 12-Step meetings at least once a week, usually gravitating to those that his counseling patients are unlikely to select.

Participation in BLIR events continues to grow, with 300 people involved in the ballpark event in Springfield in late August and 125 people running in a 5 and 10K event in town the following week. Stoecker is no longer willing to wait patiently for a community response to develop. “This all made me realize I couldn't sit back,” he says. “I had to be proactive.”

Good Enough Ain't Good Enough Anymore

In my addiction, I usually did the wrong thing. On occasion, I would do the right thing. Sometimes it was because I still had some principals, other times it was so that I could bring it up later to explain why I was not as bad as other people. Quite a lot of the time, it was by blind luck. Even a broken watch is right twice a day (unless it’s digital, in which case it is never right because you can’t see it or if it displays military time in which case it would be right once a day). Needless to say, the life that I was living in my addiction was good enough. What I was doing I felt was good enough to keep doing until it wasn’t, which took about 17 years. Then another 7.

I decided to get sober. Not really for me, but because I got caught by my probation officer and she sent me to rehab instead of back to prison. I was not doing it for me, I did it to stay out of prison which I had not enjoyed enough to want to go back on a 10 year backup. Also, I did it to show other people that I was not who they thought I was. I thought my reasoning was good enough, but my sobriety only lasted a couple of months before I relapsed.

When I tried to get sober a year later, I never really pushed myself. Instead, I would just do enough to get by. At faking it, I was awesome. I overachieved at the goals others set for me but never really had any goals for myself. Even when I did the 90 meetings in 90 days that was more like 150 meetings in 90 days, I never really listened while I was there. I was too busy telling people all that I knew about sobriety, which at 2 months sober could have fit inside of a thimble. I would also join in on the war stories, which a lot of other people there liked to listen to. But I thought that what I was doing was good enough, until it no longer helped.

I had a counselor who told me not to do drugs and that alcohol was a drug, so I followed in his footsteps and was sober. I actually looked up to him and respected him. Then one day he came into the restaurant I worked at and sat at the bar. While he was at the bar he had several alcoholic drinks. He obviously thought that no one could see him, or that he didn’t have a drinking problem. I am not sure which it was because I never saw him again. For him, what he was doing was good enough. I went out that night and got drunk. If he could do it so could I. Was he the reason I drank? No, but he was the reason I used. It was good enough.

Then I quit drugs which were illegal and became an alcoholic because alcohol was legal. I could rationalize my drinking all day long. Even though I would black out most every night I still worked and went to college. I even graduated honors. I was an alcoholic that drank and drove multiple times EVERY NIGHT. I would wake up with no idea how I got home. I would wake up with shakes and drink to make them go away. Was I happy? No, I was miserable but I was good enough.

Then I decided I wanted more. I wanted more for my life, my son’s life, my relationships, my employment, my day to day life. I was no longer happy with what I had. It was not enough. Good was not enough. I wanted to attain greatness. I went full bore in everything that I did. I decided to never settle for anything less than amazing for myself, my faith, my recovery, my wife and my children. Good was simply not good enough anymore. I wanted great!

I found that if I wanted to change, there were things I had to realize if I wanted to live a better life:

1.       Complacency kills I wanted to be great, and in order to do that I had to never ever settle. If I meet my goals, I create new ones. I was not born to do good things; I was born to achieve greatness!

2.       Keep moving If you are not moving forward, you are moving backward. Life is a journey not a destination.

3.       Educate Yourself Learn, learn and then learn some more. Read, have discourse with intelligent and/or wise people. To die ignorant is the greatest sin we can commit against ourselves.

4.       Ask Questions That is the only way you can find out some things, so don’t be afraid to ask. The only stupid question is the one that isn’t asked.

5.       Be Altruistic It really is better to give than to receive. Do for others, then do some more. There is nothing that makes me feel better than knowing I am necessary.

6.       Speak Loud When it comes to your testimony, shout it from the rooftops. After all, you are the expert at your life and there is a lot of hope and strength that people can get from it.

7.       Shame Sucks Never be ashamed of who you are and what you have done. After all, they made you the person you are today and that person is awesome!

8.       Be Proud of Your SuccessesDefeats build us and our victories define us. Take pride in what you have accomplished. Toot your own horn, because other people might not. People need to hear about both your wins and your losses to know who you are and what you are about. Take pride in the positive things you do.

9.       Be Grateful Learning the difference between wants and needs was vital to my finding happiness and a better life. There are things that I want and things that I need. If I focus on my wants I lose my ability to focus on that which is important. Start your day with a gratitude list and focus on what you have instead of what you don’t. It makes my mornings start off well, which bleeds into the rest of my days.

10.   Never Surrender I was beaten so many times before I even tried because I listened to the voice that told me I could not do it. I stopped listening to that voice and accepted I had no limitations as long as I was not dead. That is when the game is over. If you are still breathing, than victory can still be yours!

11.   Get the 5 Pillars The 5 Pillars are: A team to play for (Jesus), a coach (sponsor/mentor), teammates (accountability partners), a game plan (The Bible [for Cliff Notes use the book of James]/12 Steps) and practice (small groups, church, support meetings).

12.   Put God First My life is no longer about me. I put God first and every thing else comes second. If I put God first it makes all other areas of my life better. I become a better husband, father, friend, employee, etc. It all starts with God and trickles down from there. After all, I was an addict for decades and tried every way you can imagine to quit using and failed. An atheist said a fox hole prayer 5 years ago and I have not used since. And I am WAAAYYYYYY happier!

I Hate Stigma

It has taken me over a week to write this blog. One of the reasons that it has taken me this long is because of things I am currently working on with other passionate people to decimate the stigma I will soon be talking about. Then I got sick and last week was in bed for the majority of Sunday through Wednesday. That illness resulted in me not posting anything last week. This week we will talk about one of my least favorite words, stigma.

Stigma is defined as a set of negative and often unfair beliefs that a society or group of people have about something. To stigmatized is to to characterize or brand as disgraceful. I have pretty harsh feelings about those who brand people as disgraceful. I work with many of those who are stigmatized, and they are for the most part really good people who have made some bad choices. The worst part is that this brand of hate is being done by the people we live among in our fair city of Springfield, and they feel validated to share it.

This became very apparent to me as I read the comments pasted on the KY3 and KOLR10 Facebook sites after they posted the news of Philip Seymour Hoffman's death a couple of months ago. Some comments showed compassion, while others did not. "Just another dead junkie" and "See, they never stop using" were among my least favorite. Then I read the comments on the Newsleader Facebook page when a mugshot is posted. Not all of them, but a lot of them. "Can't wait until he meets Bubba" and "Throw away the key" were two of the first ones I read the other day.

Than there was a young girl by the name of Hailey who was kidnapped and killed. When the name of her abductor was released (I refuse to give his name any space on my blog), the speculation began. The leading speculation I read on various Facebook sites was that he had to be under the influence of narcotics, as in, "He had to be on something to kidnap and murder a little girl." As if him being on something would have explained the atrocity he committed.

I was disgusted by the attitude of the very people I walk beside every day. There is nothing that explains why someone would do such heinous things. High or drunk and evil are two completely different things. Not that evil acts are not perpetrated by people who struggle with chemical dependencies, but they are also committed by people who are not on anything. That is the truth. The community at large disagrees. This is the reason that there are $100,000 cuts at The Kitchen, which houses homeless who are often stigmatized as all being addicts, alcoholics and/or mentally ill. Stigma sucks!

I should know. I am in one of those groups that is stigmatized. In fact, I am in multiple stigmatized groups. I was sexually and physically abused as a child. I am an addict and alcoholic in long-term recovery. I am a convicted felon who has done time in prison. I have also been diagnosed as Bipolar disorder with psychotic features and several other diagnosis. I lived in shame for years because of much of this, afraid that people would find out. After all, I heard how they talked about people like me.

Then I realized that those people were by and large people who had never had to experience the things that I did growing up. They did not have to overcome the things I had overcome to be standing where I am at today. There were really just critics. I once hard that a critic is a generally committed as an act of ignorance or cowardice where a bystander runs onto the battle field and shoots the survivors. Hate kills people every day. Stigmatization is a byproduct of hate.

I deplore hate, so by proxy I deplore stigma. My goal in life is to deal hope and decimate stigma surrounding addiction, mental health issues as well as other hurts and hang-ups men, women and children face every day through education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. We actually just had a meeting on Saturday and I will be putting a recap of the meeting on here later this week as well as when the next meeting will be held in May. I hope that if you share my passion you will attend the next meeting.

I know for a fact that there is a Better Life in Recovery, because I have found it! We will win. We will make huge steps towards eradicating stigma and spreading hope by using real people with real problems sharing real answers so we can transform lives by sharing our recovery! Thanks for reading!!

Why I Love God's Attributes

Have you ever taken a minute to really thing about what it mean when we say God is eternal, omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent God? 

God is: 

1.    Eternal: God has always existed. He has always been and he will always be. There is not a time when God has not existed.
2.    Omniscient: God has total knowledge. He knows all things that have ever been and will ever be.
3.    Omnipresent: God is in all places at all times. He is always present: yesterday, today and tomorrow!
4.    Omnipotent: God is all powerful. There is nothing that God cannot accomplish, nothing he cannot do. 

One day I was upset with my son over a choice he had made. Something in the house was broken, and when I asked him about it he did not factually report (clever way of saying lied) what had occurred. I was very disappointed in him, and after I let him know that I put him in the corner. As he cried his little 5 year old tears, I felt horrible. 

I do not like it when my son lies to me, and I wondered how many times he would be less than honest before he finally decided telling the truth was the way to go. I started thinking about,as a parent, having the ability to stop him from lying and being able to force him to tell the truth. Then I could force him to always do what I wanted and life would be so much easier; than I thought about God.  

God is omnipotent, and He really could force us to do His will. He could make us do everything He wants us to do, say only what He wants us to say and go only where He wants us to go. I thought about having that power over my son and my daughter. 

Then I thought how mind-numbing and horrible that would be. My children would be automatons, doing my bidding and nothing else. I would never know whether it was there choice or not, because they would never have an opportunity to make choices. I would rather they choose to do the right thing eventually then always being forced to do it and never have the freedom to make their own choices. After all, we learn from mistakes. 

God is omnipresent, and this ties in with His being eternal. Because He is eternal, He has no beginning and no end. He is the literal beginning and end, because he transcends both. He was here before our universe began, because He created it. Because He is without end or beginning, He is in all places at all times at once. We could not go to a day where He did not exist. This means that God can see all things at all times because He is in all places at once. 

God is omniscient. He knows all things that have been done in the past, the things that will be done in the present and because he is omnipresent He even knows the things that will be done in the future. If you are getting ready to do something, He knows what it is you are going to do before you even do it. God knows what you are going to do because a part of Him has already experienced you doing it. 

So when we combine all of these attributes into one being we call God, what does it mean for us? It means that we have a gigantic cheerleader that watches over us. God is never disappointed in the story of our life because He already knows the outcome. Let us look at a scenario to explore this a little deeper, my addiction. 

When I was using there were times that I wanted to quit. I went to rehab, and I got my families hopes up. When I came out of rehab I said all of the right things and actually attained 2 months of sobriety after I completed residential treatment before I relapsed. My family was shattered; they were disappointed and let down, frustrated and disillusioned. Some of them lost hope in me, and my word became worthless to them. They thought I would never quit using and refused to ever get the hopes up again because they did not want to be hurt anymore.

Let’s go back to my son. Imagine him not being honest with me. How frustrated could I get by his lack of candor? I want him to tell me the truth, yet he does not. The more he misleads me, the more frustrated I become. All I want to know is, “When will he tell the truth?” 

With God, these scenarios never happen. God already knows the outcome. He knew how many times I would relapse before I finally overcame my addiction. He was never disappointed in me. Instead of saying, “There is another relapse. He has relapses 3 times, how many more before he wins his struggle?” God knew I had 4 relapses in me before I would not use again. When I think back to my third relapse, I can hear the angels cheering, “Only 1 more relapse and he is ours!” 

God never gets disappointed, because He already knows the outcome. Sometimes the outcome is less than desirable, but He knows to expect it. I have some really good friends who have died, and if I would have known I could have at least cherished the time I had with them. God does that, whether we cherish our time with Him or not. That is a small piece, but there is a bigger message I took from this, and one that I hope you can use as well. 

God is never disappointed in you. He knows what you are going to do before you do it. He also knows the number of times you will slip and fall before you finally pledge your life to Him. Will you still slip? Of course, for all of us sin and fall short of God’s glory. But when we do, we can pick ourselves up and know God saw it coming and loves us anyway. He forgave us before we even did it because He already knew what we were going to do. 

How amazing is that? God and a myriad of angels are cheering for you in heaven right now because they are on your side. Through every victory and every defeat they are cheering you on. 

Why? 

Because God already knows how your story ends! 

You Never Have to Use Again

I was new to the program, or newish. I had one stint of being sober. I had stayed clean for a couple of months after a residential treatment I did, but it had not taken. Looking back, I was not ready at the time. I did not have the commitment, mostly due to a confusion where I thought that my wants were actually needs. That in turn led me to craving money, which led me back to manufacturing and distributing methamphetamine. That was the only way I knew to make the money I felt I needed at the time.

Once I started selling again, I felt the need to use again. Once I used again, it was all over. I found out that my addiction did not take a couple of months off when I did. I realized quickly that although I had not been feeding my addiction, it had still grown. My addiction no longer needed my help. It was in the back of my head doing its’ thing: lifting weights, running on a treadmill and on a computer doing research.

My addiction got stronger and smarter during my time away. When I came back, the lie told me I could sell it and not use it. That quickly morphed into being able to try it just to see if it was good quality. A bump led to a bubble led to using intravenously all in the same day. It had told me lies that were almost believable. I wanted them to be true, so I ran with them.

That 13 month relapse was above and beyond the previous 16 years. In the first 16 years, I had to get my stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning. In the next 13 months I overdosed 3 separate times. I was left for dead in a motel room, found not breathing at my house and flopped at a friend’s house and used enough that I went blind and went into seizures. Before that I had never done more than overamped. To top it all off in the week before I went to a meetingI had been at a drug deal gone bad where I had shot someone (I found out later he lived) after one of my partner’s buddies had gotten shot in the leg.

That period, a year and a month of my life, was above and beyond anything I had previously experienced. How quickly it devolved is what led me to leaving everything behind I owned and knew. I left the town I was living in and showed up at my mom’s house with nothing but a duffel bag full of clothes. I was done, and material things had lost all interest. After all, it was only stuff and none of that could replace my life if I lost it in my addiction. I figured that was next. Even if I were a cat, I was about out of lives. That is what brought me to my first meeting in Springfield.

I walked into that meeting with my friend Jay the day I moved to Springfield. I had one of Jay’s friends tell me something I had never heard before. He asked how much time I had clean, and I told him that I had less than 24 hours. He then said, “At an NA meeting with less than a day clean. That is a great start. You are at a meeting where other people who are fighting the same fight can share their strength, experience and hope with you. If you listen to them and apply what you hear here to your life, YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN. This is an easy program that we make more difficult than it is, but the truth is YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN.”

This is one of the most encouraging pairing of words I had ever heard, “You never have to use again.” I heard it twice in one breath at my first meeting in Springfield. I would like to tell you that the previous 13 month relapse had been my rock bottom. I would love to share with you that I had an epiphany and never used again after being told that I didn’t have to. Unfortunately, if I told you that I would be lying.

I was off of drugs for quite some time after that, but I began drinking. That drinking intensified over the next couple of years to the point that I was having an after party at my house most every night. It slowed down after I had my son, but quickly escalated after my father committed suicide.

I am a knuckle head. I seem to always have to learn things for myself. I guess I still needed to learn one more thing the hard way. I did 150 meetings in the first 90 days and then 2-5 meetings a week for the following six months and this was read from the readingHow It Works at every meeting I attended during that time:

 “Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse.                    Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be

confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must        abstain from all drugs in order to recover.”

I will talk more about the damaging effects of alcohol in a future blog entitled “Alcohol is a Drug, Period.”  Today, if you are struggling with addiction I just want you to know one thing, YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN!That said, you will want to make this much harder than it really is. Here are the five pillars you must have to stay clean and sober as well as the two things you must change:

1.       Higher Power/Jesus – I know that the politically correct thing to say here is the non-specific higher power. That said, I tried the non-specific HP as an agnostic and I was back to using again.  It did not work for me. I prayed to Christ once, and since that day I have not: used drugs, drank alcohol, smoked a cigarette, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight outside of a ring in almost 5 years. I was hopeless and a higher power did nothing to instill hope in me. I found hope in Christ that not only could this life be better but there is so much more than just this life. I have something to look forward to in Christ that I did not have in my agnosticism.

2.       The Bible/12 Steps– Some may substitute the 12 steps here, and I have seen them be very effective when working with hurts, habits and hang-ups. For me, the book of James has been amazing. It is short and filled with all of the wisdom one needs to live a great life. I combine the Bible with the 12 steps through both my personal life as well as Celebrate Recovery (which I will cover in #5). Don’t just know it, but actually apply it to your life.

3.       Sponsor/Mentor – Find someone living the life you want who has overcame the struggles you are having. Have them show you how to accomplish your goals and attain your dreams. If you are going through the 12 steps, you want them to have worked the 12 steps. If you are using the Bible find someone well versed in it.

4.       Accountability Partner – I have a couple of friends that I have given permission to call me out if they see me having problems. It might be my attitude, depression, not going to groups or missing church. I also have a friend that has also struggled with addictions and found victory through Christ that I meet weekly for coffee. We share struggles, successes and give each other support and feedback. 

5.       Meetings - Narcotic’s Anonymous, Alcoholic’s Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, etc. This is a place where I hear people who are currently struggling and others who have found recovery. I am reminded of how strong addictions are, how much they can impact your life and that recovery is possible by both the newcomer and the old timer. Here is one of the best places to obtain hope that recovery is possible. Without hope recovery is impossible. I find more positivity and hope in one night of Celebrate Recovery than I did in 7 nights of the other recovery programs. That said, I still attend other recovery meetings because sometimes I feel the need for one when there is no CR available.

6.       Change your playmates– When I was an addict and a criminal, I hung out with addicts and criminals. When I was an alcoholic I hung out with binge drinkers and alcoholics. Like minded people hang out with like minded people. If you want to have a career and be financially stable hang out with people who have careers and financial stability. If you want to be in recovery hang out with people who are in recovery. Birds of a feather flock together and your friends will get you jacked up before you get them on the straight and narrow.

7.       Change your playgrounds – I went from hanging out in bars and clubs to working out and going to coffee houses and meetings. I found that being in bars, clubs and at the homes of people who partied was not conducive to my staying clean and sober. Adding new uncomfortable things to your life will help you make positive changes. Comfortable is what got many of us here. We need to switch it up and the best way is by filling our lives with new positive hobbies: working out, meetings, small groups, hiking, sports, community service, etc.
8.        Community Service - There is nothing that gives people hope and purpose more than rejoining with their communities and actively becoming part of them again. Working side by side with people who have not lived their lives the same way I lived mine yet they work next to me as together we make our communities stronger.

This is the short list of things to do. I will include this as well as many others in the book I am writing that I hope will be published by the end of next year entitled Spiritual Spackle: From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope. It is a look at my addiction, from early childhood abuse to adult criminality and the things I learned from it all that have led me to a life filled with hope in recovery. For now, apply what is lined out above and I can promise that you will never have to use again! After all, there is a Better Life in Recovery!!

My Favorite Recovery Quotes and Meaning to Me

1.       Drugs gave me wings then they took my sky away At first drugs are amazing and gave me this rush of excitement and clarity, they made me more social and I felt like I fit in. Over time, I began to distrust everyone and I constantly chased the greatest high. Eventually, I got to the point I used just to feel less bad, because I always felt horrible and I was constantly paranoid of everyone and everything.

2.       It is called alcohol-ism not alcohol-wasm This is not a disease that will go away. I am an addict and an alcoholic for the rest of my life. As Verbal Kent says in the movie The Usual Suspects, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” The same is true of my addiction.

3.       I was the black sheep of my family until I came to NA and found the rest of my flock I never felt like I fit in to my family, I was an embarrassment. I was the one who was in and out of jail and went to prison. I was the one with all of the mental health problems. I was the one with the addiction issues. I was the one who could never be counted on. When I started going to recovery meetings I found others who had been the black sheep in their family, and they had gotten better.

4.       Give us 90 meetings in 90 days and if at the end of that you are not fully satisfied we will gladly refund your misery It is not that 90 days is a magic number, nor is 90 meetings the magical amount. Instead, going to at least one meeting every day for three months give us structure and consistency in our life and allows for us to meet a lot of people in recovery and begin to make friends with positive, sober people

5.       Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results Also defined as doing the same thing over and over again, knowing the outcome yet doing it anyway. They both mean the same thing, that as addicts we will tell ourselves lies to continue our addiction, such as I can drink just one beer or I won’t get arrested this time if I use.

6.       I may not always know God’s will but I will always know what God’s will is not I do not know for a fact what the plans for my life are, what my successes will be or how I will accomplish them. I do, how ever, know the quickest ways to derail my future and make sure that I don’t succeed in life. I may not know for a fact what God has called me to do but I can reason out with pretty good certainty what He does not want me doing.

7.       If you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got also said as, “If you want to change who you are change what you do.”  If I continue to make the same choices, go to the same places and hang out with the same people I will always have the same outcome. Basically, if I am unhappy with the outcome in my life I need to change all of the inputs.

8.       I used to be a hopeless dope fiend now I am a dopeless hope fiend I changed this one to “I went from dealing dope to dealing hope. There was a time that I had no hope and my entire life was focused on getting and staying high. Today, I no longer do drugs and my entire life is focused on sharing the hope of a better life in recovery with everyone I come into contact with.

9.       People who judge don’t matter and people who matter don’t judge This is a way for me to see that if people are not able to see me for who I am today and not who I used to be in my addiction, I don’t need them in my life. This does not mean that what other people think is unimportant. If I offend others and they have good reason to feel that offense it is on me to adjust my behavior and/or attitude. I need to realize that other people’s feelings are valid, otherwise I will fall back into my old addictive narcissism and the general lack of respect for everyone but me I had in my old criminal lifestyle.

10.   Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die When I have a resentment against anyone, it is never them that it hurts.  They may have forgotten about it, or have forgiven me or simply no longer care. The only person it really impacts is me. I cannot make a better past for myself, but I can make a less stressful present and future by learning to let go of things instead of holding on to them. Keeping that resentment alive creates a chance for relapse in my future.

11.   The world record is 24 hoursSome people get caught up in the amount of time that someone else has and they put them or a pedestal, or even worse they get overconfident because of the amount of clean time that they have. Both of these can and will lead to relapse. The truth is, I cannot stay sober on the work I did yesterday, so I need to focus on the things I can do today for if I don’t I will not stay sober.

12.   Don’t quit before the miracle happens We forget that we did not get addicted overnight, so we will not get into recovery that way. Time takes time, and we need to be patient because if we give up we will never attain recovery. Sometimes we forget that, because we are addicts and we want what we want and we want it now. Life doesn’t happen that way very often, and neither does recovery but it will as long as we don’t give up and keep doing the next right thing. 

13.   I can’t, God can so let Him This is an eloquent way to put the first 3 steps. We found in our addiction that we were powerless and could not control everything in our lives so it is time to turn it over to someone who can. I have also heard the 1^st 3 steps translated as, “There is a power that wants to kill me and a power that wants me to live. Which do I want to do? (if you want to die you can stop here, other wise keep working the steps)

14.   I looked to a drug for courage and it made me a coward We may take a drug or drink to give us courage to deal with something that we feel we could not deal with on our own. Eventually we discover that if we stay messed  up we can stay numb and emotionally unavailable so we let drugs take our life over. In time, we use them to avoid anything and everything, which is a sign of cowardice and fear.

15.   You are either working on recovery or working on a relapse Another way to say this is, “If you are not working on the solution you are working on the problem” as well as, “You are either part of the problem or part of the solution.” There is no gray area in recovery, you are either putting it first in your life so that you can stay ahead of your addiction or you are slacking and eventually your addiction will become stronger than your desire to stay sober.

16.   My mind is a scary place to be all by myself This is also said as, “Your best thinking got you here.” It means that we struggle as addicts with a condition that Mark Lundholm calls, “First thought wrong” and I say is more like first five thoughts wrong. I need to surround myself with positive sober people and be willing to listen to their feedback and apply it to my life because my thinking patterns are faulty when I first get into sobriety.

17.   I wouldn’t trade my worst day sober for my best day high also shared as, “I may not be where I want to be but thank God I’m not where I was.” The truth of this one is that over time we no longer use to feel good, instead we use to feel less bad. This is because of a severe depletion of various neurotransmitters in our brain and using being the only way to obtain them. Add to that the hopelessness of addiction and we find ourselves getting stuck in a rut. The reality of my addiction was that no matter how great today was I would still be running from my feelings, trying to escape life and being overly paranoid tomorrow. In my recovery I know that no matter how bad things are going today they will be better in the future.

18.   Being humble doesn’t mean we think less of ourselves, it means we think of ourselves less This simply means that when I am humble I do not think that I am less than anyone or everyone else. Being humble just means that I have learned to put the needs of others before the wants I have.  This  has also been said as pride is who is right while humility is what is right.

19.   Give all your problems to God. He’ll be up all night anyway We tend to hold onto things that we can do nothing about, beating ourselves up over our past and stressing ourselves out over our future when what we really need to do is focus on today because that is where change happens. To give us more energy physically, emotionally and psychologically we need to learn to let things go and there is no one better to turn those things over to than God. After all, He knows all about it anyway.

20.   The good news is your feelings come back. The bad news is your feelings come back When we get clean and sober our feelings start to come back, which is amazing. I can feel genuine happiness, love, compassion and joy. Those feelings are amazing. But if I can feel again, that also means that I now have to deal with grief, loss, depression and heart ache. On one hand, yeah!!!! On the other hand………….Boo!

21.   I’m allergic to drugs and alcohol. Every time I use I break out in handcuffs and felony chargesPretty self-explanatory, if I get into trouble when I use that sets a pattern that I should not continue if I no longer want to get into trouble. Much like an allergy, if I have a bad reaction to eating something I generally avoid it so I should do the same with drugs and alcohol because I have already experienced the outcome of using them.

22.   People may not always believe what I say but they will always believe what I do Simply stated, actions speak louder than words. To the people who matter the most to us, our word has probably lost all meaning. We have burned bridges by continuously lying, stealing, cheating and manipulating people. They are no longer going to believe what we have to say, so instead we have to show them that we are telling the truth through our actions and choices over time.

23.   I stopped counting the days and started making the days countIn the end, who cares how much clean time you have? I have seen people with 6 months making a bigger impact on the recovery community than people with 20 years. It is not about who has the most, but instead what you do with it. I would rather focus on what I can do to make myself and the people around me stronger and wiser than get caught up in the amount of clean time I have. Clean time will not keep you clean.

24.   It is not what I know that keeps me sober, it is what I do that keeps me sober We hear people spout the Big Book, quoting it by page and then reeling off one of the steps telling someone else what to do and we begin to think that person has it together. That can lead us to stumble. I have heard a drunk at a bar quoting the Big Book to the person drinking next to him. Knowing and doing are two completely different things. Never forget that. See #22

25.   What happened in the past is over. You can’t unscramble scrambled eggs This is also quoted as once you are a pickle, you can never be a cucumber again. They both mean the same thing, you cannot change the past. In fact, getting stuck on the past often leads to relapse and it always takes our focus off of today. The truth is, I thank God every day for prison, the physical and sexual abuse I experienced as a youth as well as my addiction. They all made the person I am today, and that person is a Hope Dealer. If not for all of the things that I have encountered, I would not have the strength and wisdom that I do today. Make amends, give the rest to God and move on. Never forget: You are exactly where you need to be!

Weight Loss Wednesday Results of My 90 Day Challenge

So that is what I weighed this morning, 221 pounds. I started 90 days ago with a goal of losing 25 pounds in 90 days, and I managed to lose 23.8. I am very happy with my results, but I am pretty disappointed in the overall way that this first 90 days has gone. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with almost reaching my goal. After all, it was a lofty goal. But I could have done better.

Weekends........................................
Weekends.........................................
Weekends.........................................

Weekends killed me the last two months, period. I would lose 4-5 pounds during the week, then gain back 3-4 of them over the weekend. Fortunately for me, that still allowed me to lose what they consider a healthy amount of weight. After all, healthy is 1-2 pounds a week. I need to watch what I do on the weekends, and not just because of wanting to lose weight.

I have some internal issues, which I am quite sure come from my addiction's impact on me physiologically. Unfortunately, my addiction is still kicking my butt. Now my addiction takes the form of food instead of drugs, alcohol, money, power, sex, violence, chaos and criminality like in the past. I eat foods that I know I will have a bad reaction to because they taste good and make me feel better. I know that I will pay for it later and I don't care. I need to work on that.

This will be my goal for the next 90 days, to only have one cheat meal a week and to add at least one cardio during the weekend. I might add 2 if I can make it fit. That is one thing that I managed to do well during this 90 day challenge, cardio. I abhor cardio, and yet I was able to do 30 minutes 4-5 days a week. I am aiming for 3 1/2 hours of cardio a week this time, instead of 2-2 1/2.

In closing, food addiction sucks because you have to eat. There are a lot of addictions you do not have to do to survive. Food is a must. Besides, it is hereditary. As far back as I can remember, everyone in may family ate. Plus I was raised around food, so it is both nature and nurture.

Seriously, if you are having struggles I can relate. Here are a couple of tips for you:

1. Keep a food journal/diary that records everything that you eat.
2. Allow yourself one cheat meal a week, preferably on one of the days you work out on
3. Set up an accountability partner or two who you can be accountable to
4. Find a couple of other people who are also trying to lose weight. Meet at least once a week and update each other on your progress. If you want set up a contest where the winner gets something (I prefer cash).
5. Drink AT LEAST 80 and I would recommend 120 ounces of water a day
6. Get 7-8 hours sleep a night (here is where I fail, I get 4-5)
7. Do at least four 30-60 minute cardio sessions a week even if it is just walking. The best cardio in the world is the cardio that you will do

In closing, I am down 23.8 pounds for the challenge and 26.7 pounds for the year. My goal for this next 90 days, ending on January 1st is to lose 21 pounds and weigh in at an even 200. I will try to keep you updated on the first Wednesday of every month until then. I would love to hear encouragement, advice, or be able to give you support in your goals so leave comments!

Weight Loss Wednesday - Starting the Visalus 90 Day Challenge

We can just get this out of the way right now. I did not factually report something to you in the previous weight loss posts. I told you that I was not going to use anything to help me lose weight other than diet and exercise. I would use no pills or powders or programs, that is what I said.

Guess what?

I lied!

 I am tired of fighting my food addiction and I have found that I cannot do it on my own. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I had thought it would be easy to do. After all, I had quit drinking and doing drugs after 24 years. I had quit smoking cigarettes after 26 years. That was 4 plus years ago, and I am still doing great.

If I could quit those, surely I could stop comfort eating. It was the same thing done for the same reason, intake of something for a desired outcome. I used drugs and food the same way, to help me escape and numb. So it should be just as easy, right? Wrong!!

I forgot that when I did drugs and smoked cigarettes, those were not needs. They were things I wanted, and due to some changes in brain chemistry over time something that I needed, but they were not true needs. They were not required by me or I would die. I might feel horrible for months after I stopped, but I would not die if I didn't have them.

Food is a different creature all together. I NEED food in order to live. I HAVE TO EAT. There is no way around that. I didn't have to eat the things that I did, but I had to eat. Being required to do something several times daily gives you several chances each day to mess up. Maybe I messed up because fast food was more convenient, or maybe because I had a client who died and needed to insulate myself.

Relapsing was easy, because food is much more "in your face" than my other vices are. Due to the ease with which I have been messing up, something needs to change. I work with those struggling with addictions and my job is to deal hope to them. I talk to youth and young adults in the community about how there is a better life in recovery!

When some of my clients and some of the people I speak to use drugs to lose weight, it is hard for me to get them to listen to what I say and it impact them when I am obese. Furthermore, how can I feel that I am equipped to give them sound counseling and inspiration to overcome their addictions when I am still struggling with one? I could not. I have found that I can not do it on my own.

So, I am doing the Visalus 90 Day Challenge. I have had several friends try it and lose weight successfully then keep the weight off. I figured it is my turn. It seems easy enough. I get to drink two shakes, eat one moderate meal and then have 2 or 3 snacks throughout the course of the day. That is eating 5 times a day, which is more than I am eating now.

I have a goal of losing 25 pounds in my first 90 days then I am going to lose another 25 in the next 90 days and if that works and there is still more to go than another 10 pounds in the last 90 days. That is me losing 50 pounds this year and 60 pounds by next Spring. If I am successful, that will be me at 185-195 pounds.
 I have not weighed that since I was 3 months off of meth. When I stopped using meth I was underweight. I had gotten to probably 145 pounds. I needed to gain 40-50 pounds to be healthy. Unfortunately, I quickly gained what I needed and then rapidly doubled it. I have held on to it ever since.

 That is going to change NOW!

 I am going to change this shack back into the temple it was made to be!

 The truth is, I started the 90 day challenge two weeks ago. When I started the challenge on the 27th of August I weighed in at 244.8 pounds. We round that up to 245 pounds so that my goal of 25 pounds puts me at 220 and the next 90 day would put me at 195. When I weighed yesterday, I weighed in at 236 pounds. That means that I have lost 9 pounds in 13 days. That has me pretty excited. What will be telling is two things:

1.Will I continue to lose weight
2.Will I stick with the program even after I lose the weight and not put it back on

We can at least answer the first question the next time we address weight loss in August on the first Wednesday of the month.

Talk to you soon!

Weight Loss Wednesday Month 1

Here are my goals:

1. Lose 5 pounds by June 1st (240)
2. Lose 10 pounds July 1st (235)
3. Lose 25 pounds by October 1st (220)
4. Lose 50 pounds by May 1st (195)
5. Walk a 5K this year (no idea about time because I have never done one)
6. Run a 5K next year (no idea about time because I have never done one)
7. Do the MS 150 next year

So, I  have already missed my first goal, to be down to 240 by the 1st. I weighed today and I was at 243. That means that in the last month I have only lost 2.2 pounds, not 5.2. There are some good reasons for that, so here they are in no particular order:

1. I went on vacation for 10 days and ate horribly the entire time. There was cheesecake and BBQ, chips and sausage, ice cream and fast food plus a lot of frozen cokes and sodas!
2. I hate cardio, so I have done none.
3. I am too exhausted by the time I get off of work to do anything physically other than lift weights.
4. I love chocolate........and fried foods...............and Hardee's shakes and burgers..........and sweets.........and red meat.........and grease. 
5. I am lazy!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can see, they are honestly not that good of reasons. In fact, they are poor attempts at to justify staying how I am and that is not acceptable. I am going to not let myself fall into their traps again. Instead, I will tackle my excuses one at a time.

1. First, when I go on vacation there are always healthy alternatives to eat. I am challenging myself to do that when I go on vacation in July.
2. I may not like cardio, but I am going to like not being able to keep up with my kids as they get older and want to play even less. I have to do this, and there are no really good excuses.
3. I do enjoy lifting weights. I also like riding my bike, which is fully functional and gathering dust in my garage. I need to start walking at least twice a week, to eventually turn into jogging. I also need to ride my bike, and if that does not work then I need to show my wife how much I love her and do some Zumba with her. She loves it and I can handle the embarrassment.
4. I also love fruit, fish and chicken. I just need to eat them more. I am even beginning to enjoy vegetables.
5. I was also a drug addict, alcoholic, smoker, etc and I no longer do those things. I just need to get more motivated.

Part of being more motivated means that I need some constant reminders. One reminder is that I don't ever want to be a hypocrite, yet I am being one. I am sharing with others the love, hope and grace of Christ I talk about how the Holy Spirit can transform us and cause us to sin no longer. Then I engage in sloth and overindulging in food. Those are sins as well. My body is a temple of God, and I need to treat it as such. Why is this so hard?!?!?!?!?!?

Then I remember that unlike drugs, alcohol and cigarettes which I only wanted I NEED food in order to survive. It is on the bottom of the pyramid in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs because food and liquid are vital to our survival. Unfortunately, it seems that the better most food tastes the worse it is for you and that stinks!

I just have to be smarter, which has never been one of my strong points. So, I  need to focus on my kids and the fun we can  have if I get into better shape. I need to remind myself that being in shape is spiritually, physically and emotionally important. I give a message of hope that a better life exists when I am in shape. I will remember all of this, and I will not relapse on bad food and laziness. This will not fail, but if I can not meet my next goal in time I see a Daniel Fast and a lot of meditation in my immediate future. I will meet my next goal, which is to be down to 235 by July 1st.

I am ready to do this, but I ask for your help. If you talk to me, ask me how I am doing at keeping focused. If you live in the Springfield area and ride bikes or play tennis, maybe we should get together. Give me a call. Thanks for your help, and here is to me losing 8 pounds this month!! I CAN DO IT!!

Nichols' 4th Law

Nichols' 4th Law says that you should, "Avoid any action with an unacceptable outcome." This is about as straight forward as you can get, but it probably still needs to be broken down. There are those who choose not to accept anything and argue against everything. I would call them naysayers, but they don't really run around saying "nay" so I guess that title is out. I will call them funsuckers, because they have the ability to enter into any conversation and suck the fun right out of it.

In fact, here they are now.................

Ummmm, now.....................................................

Okay, now?

"Every thing can have an unacceptable outcome, so I guess this means we should do nothing. Is that what you are telling us?"

"Yes, that is exactly what I am telling you. Do nothing. Nothing at all. That shouldn't be hard, right?"

"I do nothing all the time."

"Untrue, doing nothing is impossible. I dare say you are not factually reporting. Care to argue that you do nothing?"

"I don't do anything when I sleep, so there,"spoken with outstretched tongue!

"Actually, you are dreaming, breathing and your muscles are repairing themselves while you are sleeping. Just an FYI, sleeping is not doing nothing. Sleeping is definitely doing something. So is sitting, standing, laying down, playing video games, etc. You are always using muscles and you have neurons firing electrical impulses. Do you have anything else? I thought not."

Now it is true you can do just about anything and have a negative outcome. It is also possible that you can do just about anything and have a positive outcome. Case in point, I heard about a guy who took ecstasy for the first time and was hit by a semi. It was deemed the semi's fault, and the guy who took the ecstasy was awarded $3 million. I would not recommend going out and taking ecstasy to get rich just because of that one occurrence. That is a random, chance occurrence that is highly improbable.

So what we are talking about is outcomes that are likely. We mean you should not be taking any actions that make unacceptable outcomes probable. Here are several example:

1. I don't want to get into a bar fight. Going to bars could lead to this outcome, which I have deemed unacceptable. Therefore I do not go to bars. "That doesn't mean you won't get into any fights, just because you don't go to bars," yells the cynic. "True," I reply, "but the fights I get into won't be bar fights. If it's in a house, it will be a house fight. If it's in the street it will be a street fight, but there is zero probability it will be a bar fight because I do not go to bars."
2. Imagine I don't want to have a baby. I know that having sex can produce babies. In fact, it is one on a very short list of ways babies are created, and the only way for it to happen unplanned. If I have sex and I do not want/am not ready for children, then it could produce an unacceptable outcome so I will not have sex.
3. I don't want to go to jail. I know there are multiple things that could cause me to go to jail. They range from murder to theft to doing drugs and on and on. I make sure, to the best of my ability, that I follow the law.

So, what is Nichols' 4th Law? It is using logic and common sense to make informed, positive  choices. Using rational thinking and a process of elimination/deduction, you look at the possible LIKELY outcomes of an action before you engage in it. If the outcomes are acceptable, then you take action. If the probable outcomes are not acceptable, then you do not.

I used a hybrid of this that I call, "The 1 Rule That Changed My Life." Before I would engage in something, I would ask myself these 3 questions:

1. If my son or daughter was standing here, would I say or do this?
2. If Jesus was standing here, would I say or do this?
3. Is this something I want my son or daughter to do?

If I could not answer yes to all three of these questions, I had no business doing it myself. I get more indepth with the explanation of the rule here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/10/1-rule-that-changed-my-life.html

Let us use "The 1 Rule that Changed My Life" with drug usage. For starters, do you want your children to watch you doing drugs? Would you get high if you were standing next to Jesus? Finally, do you want your children to do drugs when they grow up? Not will they experiment or will they do drugs, but do you want them to? If your answer to any of these questions is no, then you should not do drugs. So I know I should not do drugs. How do I most readily accomplish this?

Nichols' 4th Law states that I should avoid any action that would make me doing drugs a possibility. I know that being around people who do drugs and going to places where drugs are abundant could enable me to use drugs. Therefore, I avoid playgrounds and playmates where drugs are likely to be in use. It is that simple. If I am not around drugs they are hard for me to do. If I do not do them and my kids know I don't do them, they are less likely to use themselves. That is what I call a win/win situation.

That is why Nichols' 4th Law is important; it forces us to think before we act. So I hope that you can apply this law to your life. After all, it makes you think. What could be more important than that?

Why I Hate Addiction or These are a Few of my Least Favorite Things

I can honestly say that there are very few things that I hate. I will give you a list and you tell me what is the #1 thing that you cannot stand:

1. Murder
2. Child Abuse
3. Child Molestation
4. Animal Cruelty
5. Drugs/Alcohol
6. Rape
7. Domestic Violence

The top of my extremely short list would sit drugs/alcohol as the reigning king. "Why not child abuse or child molestation at the top of your list, David?" The same reason that animal cruelty, murder, rape and domestic abuse are not at the top. Drugs and alcohol are the top correlations in all of the above instances. If you look at the majority of child abuse/molestation cases, rapes, murders, domestic violence and animal cruelty you are more than likely going to see drugs and alcohol are in the mix!

That said, they do not cause the situations to happen. They are more like throwing gasoline on a fire. The gasoline is not the cause of the fire, but it causes it to get much worse. When you add alcohol and drugs to an already volatile situation or unstable person, you are just making a bad situation 100 times more dangerous. You are just asking for trouble. All you have to do is look at the news. You will see the problems.

The reason why I am at this point today is I have had a rough past couple of months. I have had a friend that was on the Dr Phil show yesterday that is really struggling and on the verge of death. I had a friend overdose and die, an accountability partner who has decided that he can start drinking again, a friend I grew up with that is in intensive care and has been for several weeks after she relapsed and the guy she was with wrecked a car then left her for dead in a field. To add insult to injury, he left the accident and went back to her house where he cooked a batch of dope then robbed her.

In the news we have a man on mushrooms ripping out his friends heart and tongue. Locally we have a 47 year old male recently released from prison on drug charges linked to a 15 year old female who was found in a lake. We have a 17 year old found with his throat slashed by another teenage male because he believed he was a snitch and he wanted his little brother to see someone die. This is crazy stuff happening. Addiction is EVIL!!!!

Yet, it is so alluring. I have hurts and things that have been done to me that are horrific. I have done things myself that I can't forgive myself for. Because of this I have no self-esteem, self-confidence or hope. I feel that I am all alone, and the only thing that I can depend on is my new God, fill in your addiction here. It numbs me, gives me confidence, helps me forget and is always there for me. But then I come down or sober up, and the pain is still there so I have to use again.

In order to stop the cycle, we have to do something. We have to find something that works, to replace our addiction. We cannot overcome anything by admitting it is not there. In order to effect change, there are 5 things we must add and 2 things we must remove from our lives:

1. Higher Power - I need to find a power greater than myself to help me overcome what I cannot overcome on my own
2. Recovery Meetings - I need to know that I am not alone and hear others stories of recovery to help me realize that we do get better. Great place to find hope!
3. Step Work (Book of James) - We must have some kind of game plan to overcome our addictive behaviors and old lifestyle
4. Sponsor (Mentor) - We need someone who is living their life the way we want to live ours that can help us begin putting step 3 into action
5. Accountability Partners - Birds of a feather flock together. If I want to live my life better, I need to surround myself with people who are living their lives well.
6. Old Playgrounds - You can't stay clean if your standing in the mud. If you hang out in bars or where drugs are readily available, the question stops being "Will you relapse" and becomes "When will you relapse."
7. Old Playmates - If I continue to hang out with people who are living in addictions and engaging in criminal behaviors, I too will eventually go back to my old behaviors too.

Remember, your addiction is in the back of your head. It is lifting weights, running on a treadmill and on the computer doing research. It is getting stronger and smarter every day, looking for a way to take back over your life. YOUR ADDICTION NEVER TAKES A DAY OFF!! In order to remain in recovery, you need to do recovery oriented things every day. Go to a meeting, associate with positive people, talk to your sponsor, work the steps, read a daily devotional (the Bible, Just for Today). 

I HAVE YET TO MEET A PERSON THAT WAS DOING ALL 7 OF THE ABOVE THINGS THAT RELAPSED! AS NIKE SAYS, "JUST DO IT!" REMEMBER, YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!

From Shack to Temple Weight Loss Wednesday Relapse or Failure

There are some words that I am not used to saying when it comes to myself. In my profession I say one of them a lot, and the other one I never say because it can become a label or self-fulfilling prophecy or even mimic Cooley's Looking Glass Self. The first word is relapse. I know that word well from the past, but not from my present personally. That said, I see it a lot with clients and friends. I actually have seen it with 4 of my friends in the past several months. I have also seen it in me.

Relapse is every time that I get off of work and comfort eat. Right now that is happening a lot. I have the stress of 10-12 hour days at work, then I was vlogging daily, writing a blog entry 3 times a week, my daughter's surgeries in St. Louis last week and again this week, trying to spend time with my wife, working on the non-profit BLiR (working with a website designer, meeting people to brainstorm about the direction of BLiR, setting up the next event, trying to figure out how to raise the money to file for non-profit status, etc.), spending time with my son, trying to work on my book and a whole lot more. This causes stress.

When I feel stress, I want to eat comfort food. I either stop on the way home or I insure that I have junk at home to eat. The bottom line, I am relapsing several times a week when it comes to eating. I would argue that I am relapsing daily. Sometimes at lunch, sometimes at dinner, a lot right before bedtime, even more often all of the above. I need to figure out what to do to stop this trend. Maybe I need to rejoin Weight Watchers or try out Visalus like some of my friends have talked to me about. The problem is, I don't want to pay $1,000 to join something. I don't want to sell anything. I am busy enough. I just want to lose weight!!!

Now we get to the word I don't use, failure. I am beginning to feel somewhat like a failure, but I will not allow myself to say it. That could cause a self-fulfilling prophecy to occur. Robert Merton was a sociologist who coined the term. What it says is that if I fear failure at something, in this case losing weight, my fear of failing at weight loss will actually cause me to fail. If I predict failure, even subconsciously, my prediction will influence my actions and will power and I will eventually turn that fallacious prediction into a reality. I therefore need to be positive and encourage myself instead of beating myself down.

The next social construct would be Cooley's Looking Glass Self (can you tell I have a Bachelors in Sociology? My professors would be proud!). It is predicated on people predicting how others will see us, how they will judge us based on their perception and then we begin to see ourselves as we falsely believe others see us. These are the reasons that the word or thoughts of FAILURE SHOULD NEVER BE IN YOUR VOCABULARY!!

Relapse is something that we can get over. By its very definition, it simply means to slip back into previous behaviors and/or actions. WE WILL WORK THROUGH A RELAPSE. It is temporary, but failure is not. Thomas Jefferson is attributed to saying, "I have not failed. I have found 10,000 ways that don't work," about the creation of the light bulb. He never stopped. He kept on trying!

So, I am okay with saying that I have relapsed repeatedly over the past two weeks. I have not failed, for I am still intent on trying to lose weight. I have still made it to the gym 4 days a week. I have not started 5 days a week nor have I started cardio due to the pulled calf muscle. I am hoping to begin that in two more weeks after we stop having to go to St Louis every week for my daughter's surgeries and subsequent check-ups post-surgery.

If anybody has any ideas of what I should do, let me know. Comment on my site, Facebook, tweet me, email me, what ever you want to do. I am torn between Weight Watchers, Visalus, a food journal, starting a closed group of me and anyone who also wants to lose weight were we can share our successes and get support for our relapses, or a couple of the above ideas.

So, I will see you in two weeks and I look forward to any questions or suggestions that you may have! Remember, YOU CAN DO THIS!!

From Shack to Temple Weight Loss Wednesday Reasons for Change

So I am right back up to almost 250 pounds. I just weighed 248.2 pounds. I have not only gained weight since we had the baby, I now weigh more than I did when I first started losing weight. This time, the stakes are a little different. I know that I need to curb my addiction to eating and form better eating habits, but now I have more reasons. Let's get into those reasons:

1. I have a new born daughter
2. My wife has lost 40 pounds since she had our daughter 6 weeks ago
3. My body is supposed to be a temple and looks more like a shack
4. I am 40 years old

I have a new born daughter. I have one more person to keep up with, not just my son. She will not graduate until I am 58 and will need me to play games with her, teach her how to play sports and practice with her. My son needs these things too. They also need to learn healthy eating habits, which I do not currently have. It is hard to teach something that you don't know and practice in your own life. Since I eat poorly while being obese and 40, we have a problem. Those are not the ingredients I would use if the recipe I am making is to turn into me being able to be physically active with them at least until they graduate. And then there is grand kids, but we won't even talk about them yet.

Then we have my beautiful wife, who now weighs less then she did before we met. This is the sveltest she has been since I have known her. I am the heaviest I have been since she has known me. I don't want to be walking down the street and have people wondering what the hottie is doing with the fattie! I know that is mean, but I know if we continue down the paths we are walking I will be thinking it. I expect that others would, too!

How is it that I have quit smoking cigarettes after 26 years and drugs/alcohol after doing them for 25 years, yet food is kicking my butt. I know I have been eating my whole life, but seriously I need to stop this. I am tired of having something consume my life that is not good for me. I will not be a slave to anything, whether it is drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, shopping, porn, anger  or food. I am done with this. I am controlled by no one and no thing. I pull my strings..............with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Finally, we are told that our bodies are a living sacrifice to God in Romans 12:1. My body is in no way a living sacrifice if I constantly stuff it with food. I eat to eat, I comfort eat to make me feel better. This happens particularly at night. I have found something to eat at night that will be better than what I am eating now. We will talk about that later. All I have to say is that if I can't even control what I am putting into my body how can I possibly control what is coming out of it. Time to shift my focus to Christ and rely on him for the support I am currently getting from food.

In two weeks we will talk about what it is that I am eating, my exercise routines and how it is all going as well as how my relationship with Christ is being built stronger through the process.

BLiR VLog From 09/16/2012-09/22/2012

09/16 Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled

09/17 The Bigger Picture AKA The Sistine Chapel

09/18 People Who Matter Don't Judge, People Who Judge Don't Matter

09/19 The New Golden Rule

09/20 Faith Without Works is Dead

09/21 Will I Die Before They Are Grown

09/22 My Passion May Not Be Your Passion