Pride: Getting Over Myself

I have weekly supervision with my supervisor. Every Thursday, from 7:30-8:30 we meet and discuss how my clients are doing as well as how I am doing. Last week when I met with her I let my feelings get hurt. She gave me some feedback last Thursday, and I did not care for it. There were two things that I could have done from that point. Maybe more, but at least two. One is less common, the other is the reaction most people have.

Instead of taking the less beaten path, I took the one most traveled. I took it personally. I let my pride kick in. She was a horrible person. How dare her confront what I had been doing for years. Who did she think she was? How dare her tell me how to do my job! I know that I am good at what I do. I have had so many clients come back and thank me later when I see them. My clients exit interviews were almost always great and why shouldn't they have been.

I take pride in my work. I am good at what I do. I have lived the life of addiction and now I live a life of recovery. I have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and Sociology. One of those is the study of  the human brain and human behavior. The other is studying how people interact together and why they do it. Then I have a Master's degree in Social Work. I am an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). Finally, I have compassion for those who have struggles because I once had struggles too!

I have a heart for it, the education for it and I have lived it. That is a trifecta, the triple crown of substance abuse/recovery treatment. That is what was going through my brain as I walked out of her office. I bit my tongue, nodded when I was supposed to and finished the hour with her. I left her office mad. Thankfully, I have acquired  many skills over the years. One of those is thinking rationally. Here is how it works.

1. I replayed what she had said
2. I really thought about what she had said.
3. I assessed what she said, looking at both ends of the spectrum. One end, my irrational thought and the other end the best possible reason she could have said what she did to me.
4. I then looked at my reaction to it and if my reaction was rational or irrational
5. I realized my thought process was irrational and so was my initial reaction
6. I realized that what she said was meant to help me become better at what I do.

What I realized is that I am employed and I do not feel at any risk of losing my job. So how could it be possible that I suck at my job and she was pointing that out to me? Furthermore, I work with very adept counselors yet she also meets with them for an hour of supervision every week. Does she only have positive things to say to them, or does she also give them feedback on their job performance?

Rationally, I realized that what she said was not meant to be taken personally. In fact, I know that she has good things to say about me to other staff and partners in our community. Based on that, she obviously feels that I am proficient at my job. That said, she also realizes that I could be doing better. There are a couple of areas that I need to improve and she wants to see the clients get the most out of their time in our services.

What also helps this process is realizing who I am, who I was and how I think. I automatically take things personally at first. Part of that is because I was an addict, physically/sexually abused and struggled with depression/self-esteem issues most of my life. I thought I was a piece of junk and deserved everything that I got. It took a while to get over that, and I would argue I never fully will.

When someone gives criticism I take it to heart. It does not even have to be directed at me. It can be non-directed but I will take it as being a slam at me because I  hear it or read it and feel it applies. Thankfully, I have realized that due to my past I often don't think rationally. I have learned to play things through in my head before I take them to heart.

I am not perfect and there are a lot of different approaches to deal hope and empower people to live better lives. I can take feedback, both directly and indirectly, sift through what I can use and discard the rest. In the end, I am thankful for her feedback. It was not meant to be taken personally. It was only meant to help me grow. Hopefully having an open mind only allows me to become better at what I do. That is why I had to get over myself and remember that I am not perfect.

Sometimes When You Lose You Win

When I hear "Sometimes when you lose you win" the sound of Rosie Perez's accented voice resonates in my head. I really like sports movies, and White Men Can't Jump is one of those movies I watched a lot when I was younger. It is fitting that the movie would come to my mind, as it is a sports movie, when I think of playing softball last Friday. I got several reminders that I, in hindsight, needed to hear on Friday.

I am not making any excuses, but it was hot outside and we had a triple header! We had the 6:20-7:20-8:20 games for our triple header on Friday, and our two big hitters where gone. Oh yeah, and the sun was in my eyes, the team dressed in shorts, long sleeve shirts and ties to set us off and they heckled us the entire time. I have tons of excuses for our day, but I will stop making them now.

To be honest, our team beat ourselves. We did not hit well, and we had a lot of errors over the course of the game. Before this game our team was undefeated. I think we where 14-0. We were used to walking over teams, and would come into each game pretty lackadaisical. We had gotten cocky somewhere along the way, and I had not even noticed it. I guess that we needed a reminder that we were just like every other team.

We got our butts kicked at the 6:20 game. All I could do was be frustrated, mostly with myself. I want my son to play in a league that keeps score so that he can learn to win and lose, but I found Friday that I need to learn how to lose too. I beat myself up about the loss. I let it affect me. I even was at bat and got the last out of the game. It was in my head when the game ended.

As I walked away disgruntled to the second game of the night, I heard my team captain's wife say, "You guys needed to lose. You were getting pretty cocky. You had rolled over everyone and expected it to happen every game. You guys had stopped playing your best and were just playing good enough to win the last few weeks. This loss is good for you." This instantly resonated with me. She was absolutely right, and I knew better then to be cocky and to get angry. As a competitor and as a Christian.

Proverbs 3:34 says, "He mocks proud mockers but shows favor to the humble and oppressed." I had become prideful. There was a definite lack of humility in my life on Fridays. I had not even noticed it. It took a loss and my friend's wife to remind me. Galatians 6:3 says, "If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves." For starters, I am not that great of a softball player. I am one of the weaker links on my team. I was getting a big head, and I needed the reminder that I was not that big of a deal. God is deserving of all praise, not me.

Obadiah 1:3 states that, "The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’" Who brought us to the ground? It was God by using a team that we had already beat 2 or three times this season. It was a lesson that I needed to learn, but it was not my last lesson of the night.

The team that we met for our 7:20 make up game was the same team that we played at 8:20. We beat them soundly the first game, but their shortstop made a couple of really good plays on hard hit balls and I got two outs the first game due to his glove work. I was still frustrated from losing to a team that we had beat several times, and he had an error in the second game. My mouth reacted before I could stop it! 

"You can't get lucky every play," I yelled from the dugout. My friend Kelly was sitting next to me, and he turned and said, "That doesn't sound like something you would say in your blog, David."  All I could do was look to the ground, partly in shame and partly because he was right and there was just nothing I could say.  

2 Corinthians 5:18-20 says this, "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us."

That scripture states that we are to be ambassadors for God. He makes his appeal to people through us. Reconcile means to reestablish a close relationship between us and someone else. How am I to establish a relationship with someone when I am not showing good sportsmanship? One way that God makes a relationship with other people is through us, and here I am throwing a temper tantrum over losing and taking it out on someone on the other team? How is that beneficial to God or to me? The Bible also lets us know that what we have done to the least of man, it is like doing it to God Himself. When I mocked and ridiculed the shortstop out of frustration, that was the same as me ridiculing God.

As I thought on the night and the reminders that I had gotten from my friends, one of my favorite scriptures popped into my head. James 4:10 says, "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." I needed to regain my composure and remember that all that I am and all that I do is due to God, period. I am merely an instrument for Him to reach others through.

So once again, I was taught a valuable lesson. The thing that I need to remember is that I seldom learn life lessons from my victories. Most of the most important lessons that I have ever learned have come from my defeats and set-backs. Why get mad when I can get wisdom?

In closing I need to thank God, Felicia and Kelly not only for the inspiration for this blog, but for a much needed reminder of things that I already know. Be a good sport. Be gracious in victory and defeat. Do not ever get cocky, for all things are from God and God alone. The higher I sit, the further the fall. I needed to be knocked back down to Earth. Hopefully I will not need to be reminded of this again..................but I am sure that I will!