Out of the Ashes

Today, I woke up and played with my daughter. I chased her around the house, listening to her peals of laughter ringing out as she shrieked with joy. As I walked out of the house I heard the body of 10 year old Hailey Owens had been found and there was a man being charged with first degree murder.  I was instantly overwhelmed with anger and rage. I felt the person I used to be rising up inside of me. I was lost, hurt, enraged and confused all at once.

I was lost because I cannot comprehend how someone could take the life of an innocent 10 year old. The evilness of this act is beyond my scope of understanding. What could possess a 45 year old to take the life of a child? It is an unfathomable act, and one that I can honestly say I am glad I cannot understand for if I could what would that say about me? I cannot fathom the act.

I was hurt because I knew there were parents who loved Hailey that will never get to hear her laughter again. My heart aches because I can not even begin to imagine the depths of the parent’s sorrow. I am emotionally broken because I know the impact a loss like this can have on Hailey’s friends and family and would never wish that upon anyone. No one should have to lose a loved one who is so young in such a malicious way.

I was enraged because I am a father, and as a father I know that there is no justice that will suffice. Nothing that happens to Hailey’s murderer will bring her back. Even the justice that is done will be long and drawn out. Someone will represent this man and try to defend what he did. The parent’s will have to hear testimony and see pictures that no parent should ever have to endure.

I am confused because I believe in a God who loves us all and wants what is best for us. Because of that such a heinous act being allowable bewilders me. At first I could not for the life of me make any sense of how God could allow such a tragedy to play out. Then I remembered a few things. For starters, we have freewill. Do we have a God that loves us all? He loved us enough to give us freedom to make our own choices. Freewill is both our greatest gift and greatest curse. Do we have a God that loves us so much He gave us the ability to control our actions? Yes, he did but not all of us chose to use that control.

Today and everyday we have the power to make choices. We can follow the Golden Rule laid forth by Jesus in the New Testament, or we can act on our own selfish interests. We can listen to what the Holy Spirit whispers in our ear, or we can listen to Satan. The choice is ultimately ours to make. I used to listen to the voice that encouraged me to do wrong. Today, I choose to try to live my life by loving my neighbor. That said, the old me resurfaced today after a long hiatus. I did not feel very friendly and loving. I wanted to come out of retirement.

I stopped because I realized that would solve nothing. It would not be good for me, my family or the family who has lost their daughter. I have done psychological first aid after disasters and I am trained in grief and loss counseling. You give support. You let people know that it is okay to feel how they feel. Their feelings are valid and understandable. You make sure that their basic needs are being met and allow them to grieve. You do not get caught up in the emotions of the event because of the negative impact that can have on those who are mourning and grieving.  

I did give into those emotions for a minute. I allowed myself the luxury of grieving for Hailey, her family and her friends. I cried for a little girl I had never met while I sat in my car. Then I prayed for Hailey’s family and friends to find comfort and strength. Next I went to work and helped other people deal with their own stress, depression and tragedy while my head still swam with unanswered questions.

Will our questions about why this was done ever be answered satisfactorily? I hope not, because there is no excuse or reason that can explain what happened. Will justice be done? No, unless the act itself can be undone. There is no amount of pain this murderer experiences that can quench the pain her parents are experiencing. I have my trust in a much Higher Power that has seen me through so much. I have seen a lot of positives come out of tragedies, but it is far too early for that now.

Instead, I ask that we keep hate and anger to a minimum. It may make you feel better but it does nothing to change what happened or help anyone. It increases the negative impact of an already terrible event. We need to come together and support those who are hurting today in our community. Shower them with prayers, positive thoughts, love and compassion. Today you need to hug and squeeze on your loved ones today. Cherish the people you have in your life today, and action can come tomorrow.

Next we need to identify how to make the system more efficient so time between 911 calls and Amber alerts becomes minimal. Search for ways our community can learn from this tragedy so it is safer for our children and the chance of this happening in the future is reduced. Together we can make our community stronger and safer for those who are most vulnerable and honor the memory of Hailey Owens.

Why I Hate Addiction or These are a Few of my Least Favorite Things

I can honestly say that there are very few things that I hate. I will give you a list and you tell me what is the #1 thing that you cannot stand:

1. Murder
2. Child Abuse
3. Child Molestation
4. Animal Cruelty
5. Drugs/Alcohol
6. Rape
7. Domestic Violence

The top of my extremely short list would sit drugs/alcohol as the reigning king. "Why not child abuse or child molestation at the top of your list, David?" The same reason that animal cruelty, murder, rape and domestic abuse are not at the top. Drugs and alcohol are the top correlations in all of the above instances. If you look at the majority of child abuse/molestation cases, rapes, murders, domestic violence and animal cruelty you are more than likely going to see drugs and alcohol are in the mix!

That said, they do not cause the situations to happen. They are more like throwing gasoline on a fire. The gasoline is not the cause of the fire, but it causes it to get much worse. When you add alcohol and drugs to an already volatile situation or unstable person, you are just making a bad situation 100 times more dangerous. You are just asking for trouble. All you have to do is look at the news. You will see the problems.

The reason why I am at this point today is I have had a rough past couple of months. I have had a friend that was on the Dr Phil show yesterday that is really struggling and on the verge of death. I had a friend overdose and die, an accountability partner who has decided that he can start drinking again, a friend I grew up with that is in intensive care and has been for several weeks after she relapsed and the guy she was with wrecked a car then left her for dead in a field. To add insult to injury, he left the accident and went back to her house where he cooked a batch of dope then robbed her.

In the news we have a man on mushrooms ripping out his friends heart and tongue. Locally we have a 47 year old male recently released from prison on drug charges linked to a 15 year old female who was found in a lake. We have a 17 year old found with his throat slashed by another teenage male because he believed he was a snitch and he wanted his little brother to see someone die. This is crazy stuff happening. Addiction is EVIL!!!!

Yet, it is so alluring. I have hurts and things that have been done to me that are horrific. I have done things myself that I can't forgive myself for. Because of this I have no self-esteem, self-confidence or hope. I feel that I am all alone, and the only thing that I can depend on is my new God, fill in your addiction here. It numbs me, gives me confidence, helps me forget and is always there for me. But then I come down or sober up, and the pain is still there so I have to use again.

In order to stop the cycle, we have to do something. We have to find something that works, to replace our addiction. We cannot overcome anything by admitting it is not there. In order to effect change, there are 5 things we must add and 2 things we must remove from our lives:

1. Higher Power - I need to find a power greater than myself to help me overcome what I cannot overcome on my own
2. Recovery Meetings - I need to know that I am not alone and hear others stories of recovery to help me realize that we do get better. Great place to find hope!
3. Step Work (Book of James) - We must have some kind of game plan to overcome our addictive behaviors and old lifestyle
4. Sponsor (Mentor) - We need someone who is living their life the way we want to live ours that can help us begin putting step 3 into action
5. Accountability Partners - Birds of a feather flock together. If I want to live my life better, I need to surround myself with people who are living their lives well.
6. Old Playgrounds - You can't stay clean if your standing in the mud. If you hang out in bars or where drugs are readily available, the question stops being "Will you relapse" and becomes "When will you relapse."
7. Old Playmates - If I continue to hang out with people who are living in addictions and engaging in criminal behaviors, I too will eventually go back to my old behaviors too.

Remember, your addiction is in the back of your head. It is lifting weights, running on a treadmill and on the computer doing research. It is getting stronger and smarter every day, looking for a way to take back over your life. YOUR ADDICTION NEVER TAKES A DAY OFF!! In order to remain in recovery, you need to do recovery oriented things every day. Go to a meeting, associate with positive people, talk to your sponsor, work the steps, read a daily devotional (the Bible, Just for Today). 

I HAVE YET TO MEET A PERSON THAT WAS DOING ALL 7 OF THE ABOVE THINGS THAT RELAPSED! AS NIKE SAYS, "JUST DO IT!" REMEMBER, YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!

Abortion, Feticide and Assisted Suicide

What am I doing? There are some things that you are not to talk about: politics, religion and abortion. It is a topic that causes too many fights! That may be true, but it appears everything starts fights these days. I already discuss religion. I figured I might as well throw abortion in, too.

I am still trying to figure out how I feel on the subject of abortion. I used to say that I had no right to an opinion since I could not get pregnant. Then I became a father. As a father I began to feel that abortion was wrong. How could some one rob me of the joy involved in raising my son, or steal from the world the joy of meeting and interacting with him? I was confused........

That was how I felt while I was an Agnostic and not a father. Since then I have had a Pauline Conversion, but you can read about that in several other of my blogs or hear/see it in my testimony. I also have a son that means the world to me and his mother. Those things have combined to change my stance. I am now pro-life and I talk about it. My conversion has probably intensified my feelings on abortion. But let us not even get into my religious reasons. My son has also made me more pro-life, but that is a matter of the heart. Let us not get  into the emotional reasons. Instead, how about the legal reason abortion would appear to be wrong.

Why is it illegal for a woman to perform an abortion on herself in most states? It should be perfectly legal for a women to induce her own abortion, since it is just a fetus and that is not considered to be a life. It is seen as, I guess I really don't know what it is seen as. It might have a heart beat, be able to feel pain and be able to move. That sounds like life to me, but what do I know? I am only a man!

Yet if a fetus is not a life, how can you charge someone else with killing it? There can be no manslaughter or homicide charge since it is just a fetus. Assault charges should apply for the attack on the woman, but murder or manslaughter charges for loss of fetus? You must be kidding! That is like me punching someone and rupturing their spleen then getting charged with murder for their spleen being destroyed.

If manslaughter or murder is a charge that can be levied against one who kills a fetus while in the mother's belly, that tells me the fetus is a life. If the fetus is a life, then a doctor should not be allowed to kill it. In most states doctor assisted suicide is illegal. It is illegal for a doctor to help you kill yourself, even if you are of sound mind and request it. How much more illegal should it be for anyone to kill a fetus, when it has no opportunity to weigh in on the subject.

If abortion is legal, then it should be legal for me to kill my own child when he is 6 weeks old. "I had sex and gave birth to him, and there is just no way that I could care for him. I am in college and this baby is inconvenient." I go to the doctor, who gives him a cocktail that ends his life and my life instantly becomes better. (Last statement not true, see below) Ultimately, what is the difference between 6 weeks in the womb and 6 weeks after birth?

I argue that they are both living, feeling, heart beat having individuals. If that is true, abortion sounds like the killing of something that is alive. Not to mention the impact abortion can have on women. I work with many women in the substance abuse field that have nightmares about abortions. Many more are carrying around depression, anger, self-loathing and guilt because of a past abortion. Abortion does not sound like the healthiest thing to do for the one who is pregnant or the fetus. What is the answer?

Imagine that I do not want to go to prison. I know that committing crimes will result in criminal charges which could result in my going to prison. Since prison is the end result I am wanting to avoid, I do not commit crimes. Now the problem is taken care of. No crimes, no prison.

Now we use that same line of reasoning with babies. I do not want a baby. I know that having sex can result in my having a baby if I were to get pregnant. Since pregnancy is the outcome I am avoiding, I do not have sex. Now the problem is taken care of. No sex, no babies.

Bottom line, if you are not responsible enough to raise a baby, you should not have sex. If having a baby is an inconvenience or financial burden you cannot deal with currently, be abstinent. Use some self-control and don't have sex. Problem solved.

In closing I just want to say thanks to my mother, who is pro-life. I would also like to thank the mothers of all who read this blog, as they chose to give birth to you instead of aborting you! Thanks Moms!!

P.S. - Some might argue about rape or incest being the primary reason for abortions, therefore abortions should be legal. The last statistics that I saw from Planned Parenthood's research affiliate the Guttmacher Institute said that rape and incest account for only 1-1.5% of abortions.