The Truth About Recovery: My Perspective

I have people tell me to sum up recovery for them, "In your opinion, what is recovery?" I find this extremely hard to do. I once heard someone say that recovery was like playing a country music song backwards, because you get back your house, your truck, your dog and your wife. I have gained so much in my recovery, that it is difficult to qualify or quantify what recovery means "for me."

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so instead of telling you what recovery means to me I will show you what it means to me:

Wrapping Up Recovery Month

September was Recovery Month. It was a momentous one, too, as it was the 25^thanniversary of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) very first declaration of Recovery Month. This was also the month Better Life in Recovery (BLiR) decided to really roll out and begin trying to tackle stigma and ignorance head on.

Don’t get me wrong, BLiR has done several events already. BLiR did an outreach in Ash Grove for the youth and community warning of the dangers of addiction and wonders of recovery. There was also the Back to School Bash at New Life Church, which reached over 100 youth and adults. This year was different, this year was bigger.

In January, multiple organizations and individuals joined BLiR because they too shared the same vision. The vision was to deal hope and decimate stigma surrounding addictions and mental health issues through community service, education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. That first meeting, several committees were formed and the ball started rolling.

We opted to have 4 subcommittees. Each subcommittee would have their own leader, who would ultimately report to the founder of director of BLiR. We decided on 3 events and an ongoing service arm:

1.       Recovery Day at Hammon’s Field  

2.       Getting Dirty for Staying Clean 5K/10K Trail Run and Family Fun BBQ

3.       Getting Dirty for Staying Clean Float and River Clean Up

4.        Community Service events

After finishing the last recovery event, I have learned several things. For starters, dream big. We sold 300 tickets to the ball game. State Representative Eric Burlison showed up and threw out the first pitch of the game to support us. We had 125 people register to run the 5K/10K. We just finished the campout and had 75 people join us. We had a proclamation for recovery month presented by Senator Bob Dixon for the State of Missouri and another presented by Councilman Jerry Compton for the City of Springfield. For Springfield, it was the first time that the proclamation had been made!

We found some amazing sponsors who contributed goods that made the events successful. We received food, drinks, paper supplies and prizes for giveaways. We sold naming rights and various other things at the race, and we made some great partners in the community. Now we meet in two weeks,on Saturday October 11^th at 1. The location as it stands is the Champion Center and I am super excited for it.

The next meeting we have there will be discussions about what we plan for next year. We will talk about what went right and how we can make it even better next year. We will also talk about the things that did not go as planned and that we were not prepared for so that we can learn from them. We will discuss what events we want to do next year and begin planning.

I am most excited about the prospect of writing the paperwork for BLiR to become a 501c3 and forming a board of directors. We have had a great foundation laid this year, and I would argue that all of our events were very successful. There were some learning experiences, but those are growing pains that are expected this early in the life of an organization.

Personally, I am exhausted. This is a run down of my last 30 days:

1.       August 29^th: Recovery Day at Hammon’s Field

2.       August 30^th: Race Walkthrough at Rutledge Wilson Farm Park and meeting on float trip

3.       September 5^th: Set up for the 5K

4.       September 6^th: The 1^st Annual Getting Dirty for Staying Clean 5K/10K Trail Run and BBQ

5.       September 12^th: Taught a lesson on recovery at Glendale Christian Church for Celebrate Recovery

6.       September 13^th: Emceed and helped set up and break down for the 4^th Annual Recovery Outreach in the Ozarks

7.       September 14^th: Shared my testimony at the Church at the Center’s Kids Festival and Benefit Concert

8.       September 25^th: Final Float Meeting

9.       September 26^th: Shared my testimony for the Say NO to Drugs Virginia state campaign

10.   September 27^th-28^th: Set up, Camp out and Float Trip then break down

When I say breakdown, I don’t mean psychologically, but today I am feeling shot. I am tired, because on top of all of this I have a wife and 2 children, a full time job and a lot of people that I meet with and talk to who are struggling on a weekly basis outside of work. I have learned several lessons, but I think that I will share those later.

Today, I just want to say that I am grateful for a wife, friends, coworkers and recovery community that support what I do! I am blessed beyond belief and as well as we did this year, I can’t imagine what next year will look like!!

Last but not least, if getting involved with BLiR sounds interesting to you, send me your email address. I will make sure you are added to the email blasts that go out several times a month! If you have not hoped on the train yet, you might want to hop on board now before we leave the station for another amazing year!

You Think You High but You're Really Getting Low

I was listening to LeCrae’s song Blow Your High yesterday and there is part of his chorus that always catches my ear because of its’ truth, “You think you high but you really getting low.” Every time I hear that I am reminded of my own past, and the reality of addiction. I loved the way it felt when I first used, but by the end I hated it so much but could not quit. When I first used, bad things in life had happened to me. By the end, I was the bad thing that had happened to other people.

My first use was with a group of kids, and I instantly felt a connection to them. It was incredible. I had never really felt like I belonged anywhere and suddenly I was part of a group. All of the painful things I had been through and all the stress I felt instantly melted away.  I had always heard how horrible drugs were in school, and I knew that they had lied to me the first time I tried them.

Drugs were not horrible. In fact, they were quite the opposite. For once, I did not have to put up walls to hide my feelings from others. I could let them see how I really felt. I laughed, I lived and I loved constantly. I was using drugs, and the more I used the better I felt. The better I felt, the more social I became.  I was the life of the party, the center of attention. It felt great and I loved it.

At this point in my life, I was flying high. I was in Junior High and then High School, using to escape my past and create a new reality. I was having fun, acting crazy outside of school and doing pretty well inside of it. I was happy, but only because I was not dealing with life’s problems. In addiction things are often not as they appear.

I went from a stoner in junior high while I was living in Highland to a partying prep when I moved to Eldorado for high school. My junior year I began to get into trouble, drinking too much liquor and smoking too much marijuana. I moved to Hollister for my senior year and was introduced to methamphetamine. It was by far the best thing I had ever done.

To this day, I have never felt anything that compares to the rush I got from doing meth. It was AWESOME!!!! It made me feel so great. I felt so great that I wanted that feeling all of the time. In my previous addiction I would sometimes skip classes so that I could get high. I would get drunk every weekend, several times. But I still had a semblance of a life. With meth, everything faded but the drug.

In my previous use, I vandalized and swiped money and credit cards from my dad. I kept my grades up and I was a prep at school. With meth, I dropped out of school and started stealing so that I could afford to continue using. From there I started dealing meth and marijuana so that I could continue to use meth.

I was in and out of jail 15 or 20 times. I eventually wound up in prison, where I turned 21. I was on probation, parole, in jail or in prison from 17 until I was 29. I hurt people I considered friends: physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually and spiritually. I stole from people, a lot. I introduced people to methamphetamine and the drug lifestyle. Many of those people are either in prison or dead.

Mister social, with tons of friends at the parties every night, ended up unconscious in a pool full of my own blood after slashing my wrists. Luckily, someone found me before it was too late. The guy who always had parties at his house, ended up all alone locked up in his room with a  needle in his arm while everyone else partied because I didn’t want them to know I was shooting up. Then I only started hanging out with other people who shot up.  

I was no longer doing drugs, the drugs were doing me. I was no longer using to have fun, I was using just to feel less bad. That is the lie many who have never struggled with addiction believe, that we use because we are having fun and life is amazing. The truth is, we often start using to escape life and end up addicted because we can no longer function without it.

I needed drugs to get out of bed. I needed drugs to think. I was sluggish; operating at less than 50 percent and when I used it would lift me to 75 percent. I never felt great, I always felt bad. Using allowed me to feel less bad. Depression that I had once been able to escape and numb from returned and was even worse. Not feeling like I fit in was replaced by social acceptance and that in turn was replaced by paranoia and lack of trust for everybody.

What had started out as freeing in the end became my prison! LeCrae’s lyrics remind me of a saying I heard once at an NA meeting, “Drugs gave me wings, then they took my sky away.” That was the reality of drugs. I have seen that occur not only in my life, but in the lives of countless others. We continually make choices that we swore we would never make and cross lines we never imagined we would cross.

In order to avoid this, don’t use. If you are using, stop. Although this is easier said than done, it is not only  a possibility but a reality if you apply the 5 Pillars of Recovery to your life:

1.       Higher Power: Find something that gives you hope, validation, forgiveness and more. I found that through Jesus Christ, others have found it through the fellowship. Find something bigger than you!

2.       Meetings: Find a community of people who have struggled as you are struggling and have overcome it. This is another great place to gain strength, experience and hope. Some use AA, NA, Celebrate Recovery, Rational Recovery, small groups or an amalgam of the above.

3.       12 Steps: Find a game plan that will help you live your life better. I have found both the 12 Steps and the book of James have been great advice on how to remain sober while building a great foundation for my life as long as I apply them in my life and then follow them daily.

4.       Sponsor/Mentor: Find someone whose life you would like to have in 5 years and ask them to help you get there. If you are working the 12 steps, find someone who has applied them to their lives successfully and have them help you work through them.

5.       Accountability Partners: Put people in your life that will support your future goals and hold you accountable. They have permission to call you out and to support you, through the good and the bad and they are not afraid to do it.

So in closing, although drugs and alcohol may make you feel great at first, for many there are negative consequences down the road. When those occur, there is a solution that can help you get your life back on track and the 5 Pillars of Recovery are a great place to start. I have never seen someone who was actively engaging in all 5 who went back out and stayed there! Never forget, there is a better life in recovery!

Why I'll Never Use Again

I spent a majority of my life transitioning from one phase to the next in my spiritual walk. I have run the gamut from Jehovah’s Witness to atheist and back to a follower of Christ over the course of my life. I now know I will spend the rest of my life growing spiritually and never truly reaching the apex of my spiritual walk. I am perfectly okay with that. It is all about progress, not perfection.

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents went to church three times a week, and I went with them. Then I was molested by someone from my church, watched my father as his alcoholism progressed and witnessed my mother and father screaming at each other on the way to church then get out with fake smiles on their faces once we got there acting like we were the perfect family. By the time my mother left my dad and sent us to live with her father, I was lost and confused. My grandfather was an atheist, and he was also the most evil and abusive person I have ever met. My family leeched my hope and trust in anything from me.

I knew that I wanted to be nothing like any of them, so I became agnostic. There might or might not be something there, I was unsure. This is basically the flip flop option of spirituality. I refuse to commit to one side or the other, instead I balance on the fence with a precipice on either side I am unwilling to jump in to. Over time, I did commit to one side. I leaped headfirst into the atheist side. I could belittle others for their beliefs in that fairy tale they called religion. I felt that this side made me smarter, and if nothing I did really mattered that I could continue to live the life I wanted to.  After all, everything was random.

As an addict, I lacked concern for anything other than my next high or drunk. Anything that hindered that was my enemy. As an atheist, i lacked accountability. Those two combined for a perfect storm of problems for other people. 

I could manufacture and sell methamphetamine without really caring about its' impact on other people. I could seriously hurt people over tiny amounts of money (or for no reason at all) and not worry about any spiritual repercussions. I could steal from anyone, sleep with whoever I wanted to and leave them immediately after with no concerns other than legal ramifications.

Life was easy and uncomplicated. Unless the police caught me, I would never be held responsible for the things that I did. Even if they caught me, I would still never have to answer for EVERYTHING that I had done to people either intentionally or as collateral damage. My life was all about me.

I was a narcissistic hedonist. As long as I felt pleasure, it had to be right. After all, if this life was all there is, why should I not enjoy it? If it hurt someone else, that was not my fault. The law of the jungle applies, and only the strong survive. If you were weaker than me or had some kind of issue or instability, I could care less about you.

EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY! Life was too short not to live it up. I grabbed onto the James Dean mantra, live life fast and leave a good looking corpse. Carpe Diem, seize the day. After all, I could be dead tomorrow. As my addiction progressed, that changed. In my depression, I began to wish I could die. Hopelessness grew. I attempted suicide, and would have been successful if my sister and had not found me unconscious in a pool of blood. I would use to the point of overdose. I would drink and drive. I have played Russian Roulette multiple times; just me, a revolver and a single bullet. I had promised my sister I would not commit suicide and I justified Russian Roulette because it was chance.

Then I reached a point of no return, a true rock bottom that I have talked about in several other blogs. After trying jail, house arrest, probation, prison, parole, inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, 12 step programs, sponsors, medication and abstinence I did not know what else to do. When I reached the bottom of my barrel, I tried something I had long before given up on, God. I prayed, and struck a deal with God that I immediately tried to renege on the next day. But I couldn’t and I didn’t. It stuck.

I know that not everyone has the same results that I did. I prayed one day and made a deal with God. He upheld his end and I have tried to uphold mine. I have not drank, used drugs, smoked cigarettes, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight outside of a ring since that prayer. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know that I don’t have to use today.

Over time I have removed using tomorrow from the table as well. I now that I have another relapse in me. We all do. I also know that I am unsure if, in fact quite certain that I don’t, have another recovery left in the tank. I am pretty positive that the next time I use will kill me. The only relapse I have had was for 7 years and I overdosed 3 times. I have died more times than I can count on one hand and I am pretty sure I am not a cat, so I could quite possibly be out of second (or 7th) chances. 

Today I have too much to live for. I have a wife, 2 beautiful children and an amazing life. Plus, I know the damage my addiction caused and I take responsibility for that. Because of me and my drugs, lives were lost. I don’t want to ever be a part of that process again. I am here to deal hope, not steal it. I am here to save lives, not take them. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope and I will never go back to the way I used to be because I love the person I have become!

I see the damage that I caused in the lives of others. I was like a tornado and I left a trail of chaos and carnage in my wake.  I see the anger that I began to possess and spew while I was an atheist. I have found that neither of those choices are good for me. They are both colors that I should leave out of my wardrobe because they are unflattering. I am not saying that all addicts and atheists are the same way, but I was. I cannot be a hope dealer while I am bitter, angry and hopeless. I cannot help others when I am not even able to help myself. I had to change. I found the 5 Pillars of Recovery worked for me, as did following the platinum rule.

The 5 Pillars of Recovery

1.       Higher Power – I found Jesus. Okay, not really. It was not that Jesus was lost, I was. I gave God a chance. I turned my will and my life over to God and things have just been better. I have had experiences in my life that have convinced me that God is real! I would say my sobriety and lifestyle are living proof that God exists!!

2.       Game Plan – I use both the Bible and the 12 steps to carve out a better life for myself.

3.       Meetings – I won’t lie, I attend a lot of them on occasion. Every week I attend my Celebrate Recovery home group and attend a small group. I am also known to go to AA and NA meetings as well. Find what works best for you and then go, consistently and regularly.

4.       Sponsor/Mentor - If you want to be able to apply the 12 steps and/or the Bible to your lives and achieve the best outcome, find someone you would like to be at the level of in 5 years. Ask them to teach you how they got there, and then apply what you learn.

5.       Accountability Partners – Meet with someone consistently who you give permission to call you out on things. They can help support you and you can help support them.

Platinum rule – Treat others the way you would want them to treat the person you care about the most. That means you treat people like you would want them to treat your mom, dad, son, daughter, brother, sister, husband, wife, best friend, etc. If you would not want someone to do something to someone you love and care about, than don’t do it to someone else.

Add the 5 Pillars and the platinum rule to your life, and don’t stop using them. This is not a temporary change, this is a life long lifestyle change! The reason I don’t go back to using drug/alcohol/sex/cigarettes/violence, etc is that I have made my recovery a priority. I do recovery oriented things on a daily basis, multiple times each day. You do not get good at anything by not doing it. Practice makes you good, and once you get good at something only practice keeps you doing it well. I will never settle for good. I want great, so I practice the 5 Pillars and apply the platinum rule to all that I do. Finally, I have found one more additive that has made my recovery strong.

Community service is the missing link in many a program. It is not absolutely necessary for recovery, but it will make your recovery that much stronger and enjoyable. It is the icing on the cake. Community service says, “I used to destroy resources, now I am one!” This leads to more self-confidence, self-respect and self-worth. It makes the foundation of your recovery that much stronger!

Finally, spread the message of hope and strength found in recovery with anyone and everyone you come into contact with! I call myself a hope dealer, and you can be one too. Recovery is amazing, and so are you. Recovery is not only a possibility, it is a guarantee if you apply the 5 Pillars and work them. Let people know it! Together we will transform lives by sharing recovery and chip away at the stigma surrounding addiction and recovery until it is gone!

Better Life in Recovery Rocking in June

This past Saturday BLiR (Better Life in Recovery, Inc.) was scheduled to bring in a group of people and paint the Sunshine Elementary playground. There were soccer goals, basketball goals, swings, slides, monkey bars and a few pieces of playground equipment I could not identify. We came, we saw, we conquered………or painted, whatever. We conquered at painting!!

BLiR is an organization with a mission oftransforming lives by sharing recovery. We do this by dealing hope and decimating the stigma that people face everyday who struggle with addictions and mental health issues through community education and community awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. Part of that education piece is engaging in community service events that show one thing, “In recovery, you are a resource.”

BLiR partners with local businesses, organizations, groups and individuals to insure each event is not only successful but fun. This Saturday, we had people come out and help from Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, Higher Ground, New Beginnings Sanctuary, the Peer Recovery Network, Glendale Christian Church’s Celebrate Recovery, Church at the Center, Jericho Commission and Narcotic’s Anonymous.

All told we had a couple dozen people come out and help us get the painting done. Church at the Center actually supplied and prepared the food and McDonalds supplied the beverages for all who came out. We also got media coverage from:

 KTTS reporter Austin Roberston athttp://www.jrn.com/ktts/news/Playground-Cleanup-Helps-Recovery-Group-Give-Back-To-Springfield-Community-263167471.html

KY3 reporter Jehan Sheikh’s write up athttp://www.ky3.com/news/local/recovering-addicts-give-back-to-springfield-school-district/21048998_26497006

KY3 reporter Jehan Sheikh’s news clip athttp://www.ky3.com/news/local/Recovering-Addicts-help-Springfield-School-District/21048998_26497182

So we have now done 2 community service events, and we have been covered twice by KY3 and KTTS and once by KOLR 10 and KMSU. Great media coverage is getting the message of recovering people giving back out to our communities! Here is a Facebook comment from the KY3 write up someone left, “Now this is a great story! For those who step out to talk about addiction and then do something positive for the community, thanks! Good call KY3! Thanks for showcasing the positive.”

How amazing is that comment?  

The more we do in the community, the more frequent the positive feedback from our community will become. It will be slow at first, but the more we accomplish the greater our momentum will become. We are fighting an uphill battle, but by now we should be used to it. I doubt we would want it any other way!

Dealing Hope and Decimating Stigma through Recovery Events

Better Life in Recovery (BLiR) is off to an amazing year so far. Things are really starting to come together. I have been in discussions with the web developer, who is creating the new BLiR website that will hopefully go live in April. We are trying to create a unique yet easy to navigate website and it is starting to come together.

We have been working on the mission statement and here is where we are currently at with it: To deal hope and decimate stigma surrounding recovery that men, women and children face every day through education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery.

This brings me up to what I am most excited about this year, the events that will be occurring here in southwest Missouri later in the year. We had our first meeting in January and our second meeting in February. Our goal is to reduce stigma by hosting major events in the community combining treatment providers and recovery groups which will help us build a united front to support long term recovery.

Meetings have been well attended, with representatives from: Celebrate Recovery, Victory Circle, Living Free, AA, NA, Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, Higher Ground, Hand Extended Outreach, Jericho Commission, Ozark Counseling Center, Glendale Christian Church, Ridgecrest Baptist Church, Greene County DWI Court and Drug Court Programs, the Regional Partnership Grant, the Recovery Coalition of the Ozarks, Better Life in Recovery, Missouri Recovery Network, Missouri State University, Evangel University, as well as an attorney and several local business owners.

Our unity will allow us to have larger events that will make it easier for the community to see that those with a mental and/or substance use disorder live healthy and rewarding lives while rejoining and giving back to the communities they live in. Together we will spread the message that prevention works, treatment is effective, and people can and do recover. In turn this will promote the message that recovery in all its forms is possible, and encourage citizens to take action to help expand and improve the availability of effective prevention, treatment, and recovery services for those in need.

Here is what happened at our last meeting:

We began with introductions of the group. Then the primary purpose of the events we are doing was discussed. That purpose is to celebrate people who are in recovery, educate the community better on all the great things that people in recovery are able to achieve and reduce stigma for those who are in recovery. We are proud to be a part of the recovery movement and plan on making National Recovery Month this September a month of celebration in southwest Missouri.

Then we did updates on where each of our committees is at:

1.       Recovery Day at Hammonds Field - The date isAugust 29^th. We will have a parade around the field; the scoreboard will have information about recovery month and advertise for the 5K/10K while we are walking around the field. We have already had a $500 donation to purchase tickets for kids whose parents cannot afford to buy tickets for them. Tickets will be $10 and we should have vouchers that we can give to people who purchase tickets available within the next 2 weeks.

2.       1^st Annual “Getting Dirty for Staying Clean” Run– It was decided that the Run and BBQ will be combined so that they are done on the same day and location, but they will have separate committees. The date we have set tentatively isSeptember 6^th. Location is yet to be determined. Several places have been contacted and we are waiting to hear who has the best deal before we decide which one to use.  We may have an event sponsor, but it will have to be voted on by the coalition during their next meeting the beginning of April. We may also have several other possible sponsors for the event: one may sponsor the start/finish line and the other may sponsor t-shirts.

3.       Recovery Day in the Park BBQ - – See above for date and location. We have a volunteer who will do the cooking. We are starting to reach out to multiple stores in the area for donations of goods and services. Several bands are being contacted to see if they would volunteer to play at the event.

4.       Multidisciplinary Forum at Missouri State – This project has several professors at Missouri State who are currently working on it. Date is yet to be determined.   

5.       “Keeping it Clean” Float and Fun Day – The date is tentatively set for September 29^th and Hooten Town is the tentative location.  We may have a sponsor for the cost of the campsite rental for the day. Camping will be free if we get the sponsor and the canoes will be $20 each.  We will also need to have sponsors for random giveaways, raffles, event prizes, as well as food for breakfast and lunch. Bands are being contacted for this event as are speakers. We will have 3 speakers the night before the float sharing their recovery: one from NA, one from AA and one from a faith-based organization.

We had a discussion regarding the direction and name for all of the recovery events we are planning. We talked about the possibility of me joining the Recovery Coalition of the Ozarks as an individual and then being their events chair and doing all of this under the direction of the coalition. We also discussed doing it under the name Better Life in Recovery (BLiR), which is an existing organization that focuses on sharing recovery and hope. BLiR will then have the opportunity to join the Recovery Coalition of the Ozarks as a member. The committee moved to use the organization Better Life in Recovery for the events and begin partnering with other organizations in our communities so that this event can be successful.

Chairs were selected for all of the subcommittees. The chair will:

·         Give progress reports at monthly meetings

·         Establish goals and develop a plan of action to insure successful implementation of their event

·         Assign duties for their subcommittee members

·         Follow up with each subcommittee member and insure they are doing their part within the subcommittee

·         Pick up any slack that could slow down the subcommittee’s progress in making their event successful

Our next meeting is set for March 22^nd at 1. If this is something that you are interested in becoming a part of, please let me know so that I can add you to the mailing lists I send out to remind people about the date, time and location of the meeting in March.

Celebrate Recovery - Why I Believe CR is for Everyone!

There are multiple arguments I have heard against Celebrate Recovery. I am going to address a couple of the more common ones. In doing this I hope you will see Celebrate Recovery is for everyone. After all, we all fall short of living a perfect life and have all experienced hurts, habits and hang-ups that keep us from living life to the fullest. Celebrate Recovery is a program that allows you to live an abundant life!

Here are the 5 most common reasons I have heard for not attending Celebrate Recovery:

1.       I don’t need Celebrate Recovery because I am not an addict or alcoholic.

2.       I don’t believe in God, and Celebrate Recovery believes in that mythical guy in the sky.

3.       I don’t need a 12 step program to help me. The 12 steps are for junkies and winos.

4.       I am not going to tell a bunch of people my problems.

5.       I don’t need a sponsor to help me live my life.

Here are my responses to the arguments listed above:

1.       So you are not addicted to alcohol or drugs. In fact, you may never have seen drugs or touched a drop of alcohol your entire life. That does not mean recovery isn’t for you. There are many things in this life that we struggle to recover from. That is why Celebrate Recovery addresses more than just addiction. It addresses hurts habits and hang-ups.

HURTS are those feelings elicited from experiencing hurtful situations and other people’s negative behaviors. HABITS are the chronic behaviors and addictions you use to cope with stressors in life. HANG-UPS are negative mental attitudes that keep us from progressing further in life. Everyone struggles with at least one, if not many of these issues.  

2.       Yes, Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered program. However, you don’t have to be a Christian to go there. When I first came to Celebrate Recovery, I was an atheist who leaned towards agnosticism. I came because I was depressed and hopeless and the meetings that I had been going to were not working for me. The meetings I went to were overflowing with sobriety but deficient in recovery.  

I needed something different. I needed to be around positive people who did not all refer to themselves as addicts and alcoholics. I found that in Celebrate Recovery. I also found there was a kinship between addicts, codependents, workaholics and people with eating disorders. There was a similarity between my anger, someone else’s depression and someone’s materialism. I had friends that were not addicts and alcoholics but who still struggled with life. That was healing in a way I had never known before. I gained hope and stopped judging myself.

3.       Why don’t you need the 12 steps? Is there a guide you follow to help you live a more satisfying, less chaotic life? If not, there should be and that is what the 12 steps are. They are a game plan for success in life. Who does not need to live a better life? I have yet to meet a perfect person. I know great people who live amazing lives, but they are ALL WORKS IN PROGRESS .  The 12 steps are a guide to making the progress we all need in order to live richer, more fulfilling lives.

4.       I understand why there may be things you don’t want to share with other people. I get that! I was abused as a child both physically and sexually. People knew that I had been abused physically. I was ashamed of being sexually abused, though. I knew I would be judged and criticized if anyone knew, so I kept that secret for over 30 years. I never told anyone. I was speaking at a church when I shared it for the first time. It wasn’t planned, it just happened.

After the sermon, I had someone tell me he had been molested as well and had never told anyone until now. Since I began sharing that part of my life, half a dozen men have thanked me for sharing and told me I was the first person they had ever shared that part of their life with. So my sharing helped others. It also helped me. The burden I once struggled to carry alone has been shared with many others. It no longer feels as heavy and shameful as it once did. I have been met with nothing but love and encouragement since I began sharing that part of my life. In fact, the shame and guilt I carried for over 30 years has vanished!  

5.       The word sponsor here really turns some people off. Instead of sponsor, let’s call this person a mentor. A mentor is an adviser who is both experienced and trusted. Bill Gates, the world’s richest person according to the Forbes 400 in 2013, has a mentor. Bill Gate regularly goes to Warren Buffet for advice. Socrates mentored Plato, Plato mentored Aristotle and Aristotle mentored Alexander the Great. Even in the Bible, we see that Barnabas mentored Paul who in turn mentored Timothy.

If Bill Gates, Aristotle and Paul felt the need for mentors, maybe you should as well. After all, mentors/sponsors are vitally important to making positive changes in our lives. They have a history of making the kind of choices we strive to make in order to have the type of life we desire to live. They have been where we are and have a found a better life for themselves and they share that recipe for success with us!

When I came to Celebrate Recovery I was no longer a proud and angry agnostic who knew it all. I was shattered and hopeless. Life had finally broken me fundamentally and I saw no way out. I had tried everything: Rational Recovery, various anonymous recovery groups, counseling, prescription medication, residential and outpatient treatment, prison, jail, house arrest, probation, parole and finally suicide. Nothing has ever worked for longer than 3 months.

What I found in Celebrate Recovery worked. I have been free from my addictions for over 5 years now. I want to share the hope and happiness I have found with others. That is why I speak in communities and churches. This is the reason I write and post things through my blog. I want to share the strength, experience and hope I found when I experienced Christ’s love and grace with everyone.  Celebrate Recovery works!

If you have any doubts or questions about the efficacy of Celebrate Recovery please share them with me. Send me messages on Facebook or post them in the comments on my blog. That way I can answer them and allay your fears, anxieties and doubts so you give Celebrate Recovery a try. I want you to attend meetings, join a step study group and give it a chance. The only things you have to lose are the hurts habits and hang-ups you struggle with. It worked for me and I truly believe it will work for you!

The Day My Earth Stood Still

Six years ago today my world stopped. I tried to act like it didn’t bother me. I actually laughed at the time, because that is what I do when I am hurting. Then I drank, a lot. I went down to Florida and tried to drown my sorrows. I tried to see what chance I had of escaping the truth. In the end I found I already knew the answer.

NONE!

ZERO!

You see, no matter how much I drank I could not escape the truth. I could not hide from it, and for the first time I could not escape something for even a minute. I tried to hide it like I had my past traumas, compartmentalizing it and stashing it behind walls I had built over the years. This time it was different. No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, I still did. I could not run from my feelings. I felt something I had never felt before.

HOPELESS!

 EMPTY!

In the past I could numb myself with chemicals or other means of creating massive quantities of neurotransmitters and they would destroy my anguish. This time no matter how many people I slept with, how much I drank or how much I physically hurt myself and others the way I felt inside didn’t change. I could not get over what had happened. I was always able to resurface after all of my own defeats, but this time it was different. I thought I was forever changed.

DEFEATED!

CRUSHED!

This was the story of my life after my father’s suicide. Six years ago today my father made a decision. He came up with a permanent solution to a temporary problem. He did what he felt was right and left the rest of us behind in shock and pain. He was my superman, my role model, my hero. The last time I saw him I said things to him I never got a chance to take back in a face to face conversation. When he died I thought I had lost the ability to make amends and it made me feel terrible.

SHAME!

ANGUISH!

Then I was invited to a church by some friends. I fought it for quite some time. I finally gave in because they promised good music and barbecue. I went and found myself having a good time. I was introduced to the woman who ran the Celebrate Recovery group they had there. I tried the group and met a couple of good people. My opinion of Christians started to change. I would visit every other week or so. I started to experience a new feeling.

RELIEF!

FORGIVEN!

The more I came the better I felt. A little less than a year later I was saved after a foxhole prayer and a song from Brandon Heath met warmed me. God reached all the way into the emaciated, cold cellar where I had thrown my soul and warmed me.  He transformed me. I went from an Agnostic addicted to more of anything I could get my hands on to a Christian who no longer used. I began to smile again. I discovered a positive outlook on life that I have been told was contagious. Life was looking up. I was reborn.

SAVED!

REDEEMED!

Today I have an amazing wife and a beautiful daughter. I have my son almost half the time. I have a great relationship with his mother and stepdad. I have a career helping others who struggle with addiction. I am the Assimilation Coach of the Celebrate Recovery I attend. I deal hope and decimate stigma while showing others there is a better life in recovery. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope. My life has become a living amends and I love it. I see my life differently.

BLESSED!

GRATEFUL!

My father’s suicide had a lasting impact on me. I could never have guessed the outcome. In the beginning, I was whipped and defeated. I was weary and burdened, crushed and confused. When I found myself at the bottom I had people who encouraged me to continue moving forward. Thanks to them I survived and found a life that is well beyond anything I had ever hoped for. I have experienced things I once denied.

JESUS!

GRACE!

Out of the ashes of my deepest depression I found victory because people cared. I encourage you to take a little extra time today to talk to someone you have not talked to. Smile at people you do not know. Be the voice of hope when others have none. Be the ray of sunshine in a world that is much too dark. Share your optimism with the world around you.

LAUGH!

LOVE!

Out of our darkest pains and deepest hurts our biggest epiphanies are born. Change seldom comes from our successes. It is almost always forged from our defeats. When you walk through the valley know that God holds your hand. He will bring you so much more than you ever expected once you reach that peak! It ain’t but a step for a climber, so keep on keeping on because the view from the top is amazing!

From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope - 10 Keys for Positive Growth

There are days when I look back at my addiction with fear; there are days I look back at my addiction with wonder. There are seldom days that I don’t look back, though. I used to think that I should be able to move beyond my past, and that one day I would never have to think about it again. I was wrong.

Gratitude some days comes from me casting a gaze to what was. I need no ghost to take me there. It was not so very long ago that I struggled with the consequences of being born into a world that was teeming with evil. At least, that was how the world appeared to me. I don’t feel that way today, but I certainly did 5 years ago and here is why.

The evil in my life was everywhere. The babysitter who is one of my very first memories but never talked about until my late 30’s. My grandfather, the most malicious people I ever met. Methamphetamine, which escalated from lines on the weekends to intravenous multiple times daily just to function and feel “almost” normal. Alcohol, which I could argue was legal yet it still consumed my life in a very short period of time and led me to many a blacked out misadventure. Mostly it was me; I generated the evil  in my life. 

 I graduated from one level of evil to the next as my experiences drained every last vestige of hope. Once hope is gone, there is no purpose but to pursue that which helps you escape reality and numb your senses. I found succor in more. More drugs, more alcohol, more money, more violence, more power and pathological dating. I went from probation to scared straight to house arrest to prison. I had a life that was about as far down the rabbit hole as you can go and still come back on the other side. In fact, I don’t know if I would call it a life. How I functioned was not living but merely existing, holding onto sanity in spurts.

My hopelessness reached abysmal depths. My depression, anxiety and paranoia culminated in being found unconscious in a pool of blood with both wrists slashed. I overdosed 3 times in one year alone. I have died more times than I can count on one hand. How bad was it really? At times I would stay in jail for a week or two when I had the money to bond out because it was less stressful than my life.

I knew one thing: Live sucked then you died and ceased to exist. People talk about hell like it is something to be afraid of. I have lived through hell and if when I died I went to hell that was a destination. At least hell is something. I was scared of there being nothing. Nothingness is scary. Combine that with knowing that there were no real consequences for my actions and you have a recipe for disaster. As an agnostic, I lived for the now because tomorrow did not matter in the grand scheme of things.

I smacked more bottoms than a high school principal in the 70’s, yet nothing was enough to change how I was living my life.  Then the impossible happened. I reached a bottom that I could not escape. My father’s suicide coupled with not being allowed to see my son led me to talk to a coworker that was always positive no matter what. After several invites to join him and his family at church his wife finally conned me into going with a promise of barbecue after the service.

Over time, various things softened my heart during my time at their church. I heard a song called Cry Out to Jesus by a Christian band called Third Day that talked about addiction in the song. I met Christians who didn’t judge me but loved on me in Celebrate Recovery. I started reading the writings of Paul and saw how much alike we were. Then a foxhole prayer combined with the song I’m Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath resulted in my turning my life to Christ.

That was 5 years ago, and I have found a litany of things that now fill me with hope. Just as evil entered my past in many packages, so has the hope I have today. Hope comes in the form of the Bible, which I found was full of advice that makes my life better if I follow it. I have a relationship with my son’s mother and have my son almost half the time. I have a wife and a daughter that are amazing. I have friends that actually care about me staying clean and sober which they show by supporting and encouraging me.

So, what are the secrets to my success? I found 5 Pillars that changed my life:

1.       God – I found that my God had a name and multiple forms: Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I had tried to use the amorphous higher power and found no hope to live a better life or courage to make complete changes that way. It may work for some, but it did not work for me. I would find periods of sobriety but my character defects were still present. I would dry drunk (dry bag) it for a month or two but always go back. With the Holy Spirit as my guide and Jesus as my aspiration I soon found making the right choices became easier and easier.

2.       The Bible and the 12 Steps – I tried the 12 steps and worked through them several times. Spirituality always evaded me. With this life being all there was, I could never wrap my head around why I would want to hurt and struggle and the motivation for altruism completely escaped me. With the Bible and the promises it contained became real to me, all the pieces fell into place and altruism became second nature.

3.       Sponsor/Mentor – I had a sponsor to work through the 12 steps. He was a great guy and I appreciate the time we had together. The sole reason for his existence was to stay sober and do service work for his group. I outgrew that attitude. I wanted to make an impact in my  community and hopefully the entire country eventually. My life became about so much more than my past addiction and I needed someone who had accomplished the things I wanted to accomplish. I could not find that person at a meeting so I found a mentor instead of a sponsor.

4.       Celebrate Recovery – I had tried other groups, and there is a lot to be said for them. I still attend the groups that will remain anonymous sometimes because you can get positive stuff from them. I needed more. I craved a place that reeked of recovery instead of sobriety. I yearned for less chaos and more structure. I needed to see that we could completely change ourselves. I found that in Celebrate Recovery. Who knew you didn’t have to cuss to be in recovery?

5.       Accountability Partners – I found that I had to surround myself with positive people if I wanted to remain positive and that I could have friends that had never done drugs or committed crimes and still have great relationships with them after they knew about my past. I found these people in Celebrate Recovery at first and now I have expanded that circle. It was a relief to have friends that I was not constantly worried about relapsing or getting me caught up in their still chaos filled worlds. They were able to walk beside me and share their strength, experience and hope with me while I shared mine with them. I learned how to have a give and take relationship instead of give or take relationships.

To my original list I have several addendums:

1.       Prayer/Meditation – There are times when life is kicking my butt. I have found that when that happens I need a time out, so I would pray. I found the more I pray, the less things in life beat me up so I started praying more and it has made my life a lot less complicated and a lot more positive. Instead of praying for myself, I pray for others and only ask God to let me be His hands and feet and that I act a little more like Jesus each day.

2.       Gratitude List – I like to wake up in the morning and think of 3 things that I am grateful for. I wake up with more than enough time to do my morning rituals so I am not rushed and my thoughts are on things I am grateful for.  As I continue on with my morning, making coffee and breakfast, I play those 3 things over and over in my head. I have found that this starts my day of on the right foot and it carries into the rest of my day.

3.       Journaling – I will spend a couple of minutes each night recording my highs and lows for the day. This is helpful because I can vent some of my frustrations and record some of my successes consistently. Then I can look over my journal every few months and see the trends, if I have started any bad habits and the success I am having in reaching my goals. From day to day changes and trends are hard to identify but looking over several months they are much easier to identify.

4.       Community Service – I don’t mean something your judge ordered you to do. This is not setting up chairs for meetings or making coffee. That is service work, which is also important but not what I mean. I mean giving back to the communities we live in. Go and feed the homeless or do a couple shifts ringing bells for the Salvation Army. Take food to families at the Ronald McDonald House or volunteer at Habitat for Humanity. Walk, jog or run in charity 5K’s. Altruism is one of the most important acts of recovery. We become a positive cog in the machine we once tried to sabotage.

5.       Extracurricular Activities – I joined a men’s softball league. I started working out at the gym. I went bowling, enjoyed float trips and started taking long bicycle rides. I learned how to have fun clean and sober. I found that I could enjoy myself without drugs and alcohol. I gained more friends and the free time I had which had led to relapse in the past instead led me to building stronger supports, additional interventions and a bolder lifestyle.

I believe that if I can change my life after 20 plus years of addiction and destructive lifestyles, where my hurts habits and hang-ups outweighed my strengths, than so can you. I attempted multiple ways to obtain sobriety to always have it wilt away and never come to fruition. I know that the 10 things I have listed above are vital to a changed lifestyle, and I encourage you to apply them to your life. Give it a month. It will change your life. I know it changed mine!

The Testimony I Gave On My 5th Birthday

Hi, my name is David and I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who’s in recovery and I have struggled with drug and alcohol addiction, pornography and sex, childhood physical and sexual abuse, anger, depression, anxiety and codependency. I still struggle with comfort eating, as you can tell by looking at me. The story of how I got to where I am today is a 41 year odyssey and we don’t have that much time. I hope you like cliff notes. My testimony starts out the same way far too many testimonies do.

One of my first memories is being molested by a baby sitter from our church. I was ridiculed and made fun of while being molested; laughed at and told how disgusting and bad I was. That is why I never told my parents. I didn’t want them to know how disgusting I was. Growing up, my mother was physically abusive and my father was an alcoholic. The first week of 5^th grade my mother left my dad and sent my siblings and I to live with her father. He was highly abusive. On several occasions he beat me so badly he called into school for the week and told them I was helping on the farm or I was sick. After the bruises and cuts healed he would send me back to school. In my mind, I thought the beatings were because my grandpa knew what I had done with my baby sitter.

I grew to hate myself and lost all hope. Because of that I became angry and violent. I learned to embrace pain and built walls. I learned to hide my true feelings and only show people what I wanted them to see, or what I thought they wanted to see. I also lost my faith. Growing up, my parents were Christians and I saw them live different lives at home than they did out in public. My parents were hypocrites, and I associated that with Christians. Combine that with the physical and sexual abuse I went through and in the 5^th grade I became agnostic. If there was a God it was not the one I had heard about. He could care less about me, so I could care less about Him.

The summer before 7^th grade I discovered marijuana. Instantly, two things happened. For the first time I felt accepted by a group, and for the first time I forgot about my past. The same weekend I found marijuana I also found cocaine, alcohol, vandalism and sex. What I found was that the harder the drugs, the number I became. I didn’t have to fake not hurting, because drugs made me forget the pain. If I stayed high and drunk, I did not hurt. As worthless as I felt, if I had a cute girl next to me and was getting high or drunk I felt a little better, a little more popular, a little less worthless. I instantly became addicted to more.

More money, more drugs, more alcohol, more women, more fighting, more crime, more partying, more, more, more. It didn't matter what it was, as long as I could temporarily escape my life or numb myself to everything around me. I graduated from probation to scared straight to house arrest to prison, from low self-esteem to self-loathing to hating myself to botched suicides and from doing drugs to dealing drugs to manufacturing them. Nothing was ever enough. Nothing ever made me happy so I destroyed lives. I hated myself and that hate led me to no longer caring for anyone or anything. I was a soldier for Satan.

My rock bottom occurred multiple times, but I would grab a shovel and dig more. I got alcohol poisoning and my stomach pumped as a teen-ager. I turned 21 in prison. I died 3 times in a car accident drinking and driving at 22. I attempted suicide and was found unconscious in a pool of blood at 23. In a one year period when I was 28 I overdosed 3 times. I have died more times than I can count on one hand, but it was never enough to get me to stop using.

Not that I didn’t try, however. I have been on probation and parole for over a decade, jail and prison for about 2 years, seen psychologists and psychiatrists, been prescribed medication, gone to rehab both outpatient and inpatient and did my 90 meetings in 90 days in one of the anonymous programs then completed the 12 steps with a sponsor 2 or 3 times. But I always went back out. The longest I stayed clean and sober was for 3 months.

Then, my dad committed suicide 6 years ago. My drinking spiraled even further out of control. I raged and struck out at anyone and everyone I could. I broke up with my son's mother. For a while I was not allowed to see my son, then could only see him for a couple of hours at the park a week with his mother’s family standing guard as if I would snatch him and run. They were right; I probably would have if they had not been there.

His death and not seeing my son left me raw, hurting and unable to hide behind walls like I had always done before. I had tried everything else and I was still drinking, angry, depressed and hopeless, so I decided to give God a chance. Not going to lie, it was pretty awkward at first. I was lured into church with the promise of good BBQ so I came. After all, I love to eat. I did not like church because it contained Christians. I hated Christians. Christians were weak, fake, judgmental hypocrites that lived in fantasy land. I continued living my life my way. There was no way I was going to drink their kool-aid. I was wrong.

After denying God for over 20 years I finally turned to Him. It was a foxhole prayer nine months after I stepped foot into church for BBQ. One night I pulled out of the bar drunk. A police car zoomed up behind me. I knew if he pulled me over I would get a DWI. If I got a DWI I would lose my job and get kicked out of my graduate program in college. I immediately began to pray. “God, if I don’t get pulled over, I will go to church every Sunday.” I turned and the officer turned with me. I continued to pray, “I promise, if I don’t get pulled over I will go to church every Sunday and will never drink again.” I turned and the police officer turned with me again. Every time I turned he turned and I added something to my prayer. By the time I turned onto my street I was going to start going to church every Sunday, quit drinking, drugging, smoking cigarettes, cussing, fighting and having premarital sex.

As I turned onto my street, the police car went straight. I passed out in my car in the driveway. Passing out in my car was not unheard of for me, but the next morning was a little different. I actually remembered the night before. I had not blacked out like every other time I woke up in my car. I remembered praying to God on the way home and making a deal with Him. I also knew that I had plans to go to my friend Josh’s house to watch the Superbowl and everyone there drank and smoked cigarettes. The voice I always called my addiction that I now realize is the devil started talking to me. “You’ve been using drugs and drinking for over 20 years,” and “You’ve been smoking cigarettes for a quarter of a century,” played over and over in my head. “You’ll never quit. You have tried many times and failed. Why fail again? Go have fun.”

I took a shower and hopped into my car to go to my friend Josh’s. I had given up before I even started trying. Those voices kept talking to me, supporting my choice to go drink. As I was driving to my friend’s house a song came on the radio I didn’t like so I flipped channels. I came to a dead spot and waited to see what song was next. The first word’s I heard were, “I wish you could see me know, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was.” The voice in my head changed. It was no longer the voice I had always heard talking to me but a voice I had never heard before yelling at me, saying, “You are not who you were yesterday. You are changed. You can do this. You never have to be who you were again.” 

I started crying and pulled over to the side of the road. I knew that I would never drink or do drugs again. God used a Christian radio station called the Wind I had never listened to before and a song by Brandon Heath called, “I’m Now Who I Was” I had never heard before to change me. In that instant I  knew God had kept his part of the bargain, so I have attempted to keep mine. I am blessed enough to say I have not drank, drugged, gotten into a fight outside of the ring, been promiscuous or smoked a cigarette since then. I may have cursed a few times, but it is about progress not perfection.

God was leading me in the right direction. That same night I started reading the Bible and discovered Paul. He was like my twin brother. I could totally relate to what he was saying, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For what I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing,”and “Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst.” My attitude towards God was changing, but my attitude towards Christians was not.

I still could not stand Christians because of my experiences with them. Then I met a group that changed all of that. It was called Celebrate Recovery. It allowed me to work through my hurts, habits and hang ups while building relationships with God and people. Through Celebrate Recovery I found a relationship with Christ. I discovered he was not the judgmental, vindictive God I knew from my youth, but instead a God who loved me so much He died so my sins could be forgiven. I began to build real relationships with positive people that cared about me.

I realized that my past relationships were built on drugs, fear and dishonesty. In my addiction I had friends that would have taken a bullet for me, but would have put one in me for the right price. In my recovery I was surrounded by Christians who cared about me and wanted to help me become a better person. They did not use me, look down on me or judge me. In Romans 3:23 Paul says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I came to realize that I was not the black sheep in the church. Instead, the church was filled with black sheep and going there just introduced me to my flock.

Then came the step study. Through the 12 steps in Celebrate Recovery I learned to forgive myself. I learned to like who I was and realized that if not for my past I would not be the person I am today. Step 1 showed me how my inability to work through my problems had caused me to lose hope. Step 1 showed me why I had lost faith in God. I had started worshipping and focusing on my addictions; they were at the center of everything I did.  I had made them my God.

Step 2 was the step that impacted me the most. It reintroduced me to the hope I had lost when I was a child. My hope was abused out of me by the people who should have loved me and protected me then kept out by my Agnosticism and unwillingness to talk about my past and work through. I had nothing to look forward to. In my addiction, if I woke up without a hangover or withdrawals with a cute girl beside who whose name I might or might not know, that was the best my life was ever going to get. I believed at the end of my life I would turn to dust and there would be nothing else. That was the end. No wonder I was so depressed and hopeless all of the time.

Step 2 asked me to begin believing in a Higher Power who had a name. Instead of being told that my Higher Power could be anything I wanted it to be, I was told it was Jesus Christ. I was encouraged to build a relationship with Jesus Christ and be ready for change, for Christ had the power to make changes in me that I didn’t have myself. So I gave God a chance. After all, I had tried everything secular and spiritual and failed.

Through Step 2 I was able to regain hope. InChrist I have something more to look forward to than complete nonexistence when I die. What I do today matters. How I treat people matters. If life sucks today and for the rest of my life, I know what I have coming to me in my next life will be amazing. No matter how bad my day gets, I know that if I continue to live my life guided by the Holy Spirit that I have an eternity of bliss promised to me. Because of that promise, I can make it through everything that this world has to throw at me. When I get knocked down, I have a reason to get back up.

While working through step 2 I really began to understand how the Holy Spirit worked through me. I learned to pray, meditate and listen for the voice of God to guide me on my journey of recovery and in life. I also first heard my favorite scripture, Philippians 4:13. It says, “I can do all through Him who gives me strength.” I learned that I could have a new life if I trusted in God and followed where the Holy Spirit led me.

Part of that journey was God softening my heart and giving me the humility needed to make apologies and amends to all of the people I had hurt and used or who loved people I had hurt and used in my past. In doing that I learned how to forgive myself. That was hardest. After all, I was the person I hurt and hated the most. Over time I stopped seeing a junkie, felon and victim every time I looked in the mirror. I overcame my shame and self-loathing. Through Celebrate Recovery I learned people could know everything about me, from what I had done to what had been done to me, and still love me and want to be friends even though they had not done the same things I had done or experienced the same things I had experienced.

In Celebrate Recovery I learned that people who struggle with codependency, eating disorders, gambling, shopping, alcoholism, drugs, anger, depression and a whole lot of other things all shared some if not all of the same issues I had went through in my past. The only difference between us was the coping mechanisms we used to escape and numb ourselves from them. That was an amazing thing for me to learn. As I became more accepting of other people’s struggles, I became more accepting of my own. God was working in me!

God has made powerful changes and given me incredible gifts. I cannot begin to touch on them all, but I will list a few. A month after I accepted Christ I was first contacted by my wife on E-Harmony. She was a 35 year old lady who had never drank, did drugs, committed a crime and had lived her entire life putting God first. We had nothing in common and I tried to talk her out of dating me. God had a different plan. She is my perfect compliment. Christ had to wait until I was ready to place the woman of my dreams in my life. A year and a half ago my wife gave birth to our daughter, Addison Grace. But that is not all that God has done to build my family.

When my son’s mother and I were together, we never went to church. After we split up, my ex was invited to a single mom’s group at her grandma’s church. After hearing the horror stories there, she began to appreciate me more. Through this program I have been able to forgive her and make amends for hurting her. She has learned to forgive me. Last year, my wife, daughter, son, my ex, her husband and his two kids went to white water and silver dollar city together as one big family. By putting God first in our lives we have been able to build an amazing relationship with each other.

My interaction with others has also changed drastically. I used to believe that people were only placed in my path so that I could use them and staying high was all that mattered. With God that has changed. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope. I now spend my time trying to help others instead of using them. Today I am a counselor for Greene County DWI and Drug court clients. I get to share my experience and hope with them and advocate for them to the judge. It makes me a lot less nervous when I stand in front of a judge today then in the past, I can tell you that much.

I understand why you might feel they are not worthy of forgiveness, that you don’t deserve Christ’s grace. I remember when I went to my pastor and explained to him about this incredible female I had met and how I was not worthy of her because I sinned frequently in my past and was new to Christ while she had lived her entire life for God. I could not understand how this could be, and my pastor told me a story I will relate to you. It is a parable that Christ shared in Matthew about a landowner who hires men in the early morning to go and work his fields for a denarius, which was the common payment for a full day’s work. Three hours later he goes to the marketplace and gets more workers and sends them to his fields. Three hours later he does the same thing, then again three hours later and yet again two hours later. At the end of the day, he paid them all the same and the first hired grumbled about getting paid the same. The landowner told them to take their pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Are you envious because I am generous, he asked them. This parable was not at all about money, but was about God's grace. It means that no matter when in your life you heed God’s call, you will gain Eternal Life.

Realizing that I was worthy of Christ’s grace really helped me. I was beyond hope, or so I was told by many probation officers and counselors and I believed them. If this is how you feel I want you to know that if I can find recovery through Celebrate Recovery, so can you. It is never too late to start a new life, either, as Jesus just explained above but it is something that we can’t do alone. Celebrate Recovery gave me the tools I needed. I had a game plan to follow called the 12 steps. I had a coach to teach me how to play the game called a sponsor. I had teammates who had the same goal I did, recovery. I found them in Celebrate Recovery. They became my accountability partners. Most importantly, I found a relationship with Christ and that has made all the difference in my life.  

In my recovery I have been able to share my testimony with thousands of people. What I used to hate about myself are the same things that people invite me to come and talk about today. I have led chapel and shared my testimony at Assembly of God Theological Seminary and Global University. I have been asked to preach in several churches and I have been a ministry leader for 2 Celebrate Recovery groups. I speak occasionally at Missouri State University and College of the Ozarks. I was the closing speaker at the last Missouri Association of Drug Court Professional’s conference. God has placed me in some amazing places to share the changes He has brought about in my life and keeps leading me to do more.

Better Life in Recovery is the name of the non-profit I am starting and the documentary I have been shooting together with my wife. Through it I have been able to hold events in communities and speak to youth groups about the dangers of addiction and the power of recovery. The purpose is to reach out to those who are struggling and let them know that there is hope and they are not alone in their hurts, habits and hang-ups.

That is what I do today as part of my 12^th step. Speaking and sharing the wonderful life I have found through Christ is my living amends. Thanks for letting me share some of my experiences with you on the 5^th anniversary of my recovery. I hope hearing it helps you as much as sharing it helps me. In all honesty, I owe a lot to the 12 steps, even more to Celebrate Recovery and I owe it all to Christ. With Him all things truly are possible.