My Journey of Addiction - From Fearing Death to Fearing Life to Living for Christ One Day at a Time

I can still remember the first time that I smoked marijuana. It was the summer before seventh grade. I had just moved to a new town called Highland and my dad worked overnights. I went for a walk the first night that I was there and saw a cluster of kids as I walked by the square. There were a couple that looked to be my age, but most looked older. As I walked by the square one of them called out to me.

As I walked over I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. One of the kids asked if he could bum a cigarette. I gave him one and we talked for a few minutes.  It came up almost immediately that I was new in town, and he told me what to expect when I started school. Looking back, it was typical stoner conversation, "School sucks because we don't fit in, the teachers try to fail us, the cops in this town sucks and everybody is out to get us."

Another kid came up and whispered in his ear then walked off. He turned to me and asked, "Are you cool?" Not knowing what that even meant, I said yes. He asked me if I smoked pot. I had no idea what pot was. I knew that I smoked cigarettes, so I said yes. We walked into the gazebo on the square and entered into a circle of kids passing around joints. I took my first hit of marijuana. I coughed like I had tuberculosis and everyone laughed. I continued to smoke in that circle.

By the time I left that night I was stoned and drunk. And I had friends. The two years that I had lived in Branson I had only made one friend. The entire time that I had lived in Peoria I had made one real friend. Both times, they lived right next to me and I was the only option their age. This time, it was different. I had multiple friends and most were older than I was. Suddenly, I had found my place in the world.

It felt good to be accepted. That weekend I went to a house party with the same kids. There were more kids there and some grown-ups. I smoked and drank again. That night I also used cocaine, tripped acid and had sex. Now I had a lot of friends who felt just like I did. Some of us were born to alcoholics and drug addicts, some of us were abused. Most of us were both. We were different, but we had each other.

I had found my niche, and the days of partying and fighting had began. I soon smoked every morning on the walk to school with a couple of friends. We did rush/poppers between classes and smoked again on the way home. We drank most weekends, fought a lot and took white crosses constantly. Cocaine was rare, it was only with adults at big parties. That was my 7th and 8th grade years. When I moved to Eldorado, it was just more of the same through high school.

I would never change all that I did and all that happened to me. It has all made me stronger and wiser. I do wonder what I would have done if it was someone other than my teachers and the "Just Say No" program telling me not to do drugs. Would I have done them? If someone could have told me where I would end up ten years later that I could relate to would my use of stopped, stayed the same or increased? I will never know.

All that I do know is that no intervention ever worked, and my use just increased. I ended up moving to Hollister, Missouri the summer before my senior year and hung out in Branson at the lakefront then went to keg parties most nights. I was also introduced to methamphetamine when I got to Branson.

That was were things really started to get bad, but I could always justify it. "I am only snorting and smoking it. It's not like it's going to kill me." I dropped out of high school because it got in the way of my partying. I could not place school and learning above partying and having sex. My journey from abuse to addiction landed me in jail and on house arrest. When I was 20 I graduated to prison. I got out when I was 21 and by that time I had spent about 10% of my life behind bars.

I still justified my drug use and the hustling that I did, because it was fun and I enjoyed doing it. I liked my life. You could even say that I loved my life. When I got out of prison I used meth intravenously for the first time, and my life was never the same. I still wanted to live, because shooting up felt like nothing I had ever done before. It was the most intense feeling that I had ever had. Now I know why.

Here is a quick lesson in brain chemistry. Dopamine is responsible for generating feelings of pleasure in our brain. It is the chemical that is released when we have an orgasm. When you do cocaine it releases almost twice the amount of dopamine that an orgasm does. Methamphetamine is 3 times stronger than cocaine. Our brain releases over 600% more dopamine when we do meth as when we have an orgasm. That is a level that is biologically impossible to reach without drug use. As addicts we soon find that nothing comes close to the euphoria we feel when we do meth, and we crave it. Soon that high becomes the only thing that matters, and we lose interest in everything else!

I slowly began to phase out my friends and family that did not use. I wanted nothing to do with them. I did not want to hear them preach at me. I began to miss family events like birthdays and Christmas. They were just not that important to me. I wanted to get high, and I was enjoying doing it. I could justify my drug use, because I was working full time (and hustling the rest). It got to the point that I would sleep one day a week, on Sundays. I would stay up from Sunday night through early Sunday morning.

I had a car accident a year or so after that, flying a Firebird 97 feet and 32 feet into the air. I was in the hospital for a while on opiates, and if you forward 6 months from the wreck I was addicted to opiates also. My use continued, and it got worse and worse. When I was 26 my sister found me unconscious in my bathroom with both of my wrists slit and blood every where. She called an ambulance, and they were able to save me.

My sister made me promise that I would never attempt suicide again. I promised her that I would not. I meant the promise when I made it. I even kept that promise, kind of. More on that later. I continued to party, and had gotten put back on probation just as my parole was ending. I rode out my probation for the first several years. I was always able to stop using 48-72 hours before I saw my probation officer and I would flush my system or use a Whizzenator.  I thought that I was doing okay, but I was wrong.

My addiction had gotten so bad that I shot up right before I saw my probation officer. Literally, the day before and again on my report day. When I got in, she took one look at me and said, "If I were to test you right now, what would I find?" I told her that I didn't know what she wouldn't find. Just like that, I was on my way to rehab.

I won't get too much into the details, but before I went to rehab I put everything that I had left in a spoon and used it. It should have killed me, but it didn't. Instead my sister drove me to detox. While I was in rehab, I thought that maybe they were right and I needed to quit. I completed residential, but did not do outpatient aftercare. I was doing great, or so I thought. I even started an NA meeting in my home. I was all about showing everybody how wrong they were about me, thinking that I would relapse. In the end they were all right. I made one major mistake, I kept the friends I had before I went to rehab. It is hard to stay clean when you are playing in the mud. I was bound to fail.

Finally one day I needed money, and the only way I knew how to make it was to do a burn. I made a batch of dope, and just like that I was back out there. It was actually worse this time around. The first 7 years of my life I had never overdosed. I overdosed 3 times over the next year. I always had to do more than everybody else.

I had a death wish. At one time, I would watch how much I did because I did not want to over do it. This time around, I didn't care. I had discovered something. I could not quit. I thought that I had it beat, but I discovered that methamphetamine owned me. I would do opiates, benzodiazepines, hallucinogens,  powder and rock cocaine. I would shoot up ice water and liquor just to feel the needle. It did not matter what you had, I would do it.

I soon found what my true addiction was. I was addicted to more. I wanted anything you had and would do all that you had. If it was sex, drugs, liquor, fighting or money. I wanted it and I wanted it all. The only thing that I did not want was to live. I would go to dope cooks houses that I did not even know, hoping that they would kill me. If I knew that someone was spun out and sketchy, I was there and would refuse to leave.


I had friends, but I couldn't trust them further than I could throw them. I had good dope, money and a house. They loved me for that, but they would steal from me given a chance. They were just like me, all about themselves. Sure they would have helped me hide bodies, but they would have hid mine too if the money was right. It was the drug world, and sometimes people just disappeared. Everyone thought that they had moved, but we usually knew better. Those were my running mates. I WAS NOT ALRIGHT!


I had promised my sister I would not kill myself, but I never told her that I wouldn't let someone else kill me. I have had people come at me with guns and knives. I egged them on. I WANTED TO DIE! I ended up with holes in my body that I was not born with.  I did stop breathing on several occasions, but I always came back to life. I hated my life, but it was all that I knew!


The reason that it all got so bad was that I had been running from feeling my whole life. I was abused as a child and felt like a loner. The only time that I felt like I fit in was when I was doing drugs with other people. We shared a connection. Drugs were the only stable relationship that I ever had. It never tried to take advantage of me, never lied to me and I always knew what to expect from it. Plus the rush was unlike anything that I had ever felt. But the downside was intense. I loved drugs, I loved the way they made me feel but I could not stand the people it brought into my life and I hated the person that they made me. They made me evil!

By the time I realized what it was doing to me, it was too late. I can remember seeing one of my friend's friends after he had overdosed. I walked into the bathroom and he was sagging against the wall and the toilet, dead. As I looked into his eyes I could only think one thing, "That sure looks nice. He finally looks calm and peaceful. I bet that feels great."

You see he no longer had to worry about the things that we as drug addicts have to worry about. He no longer had to fear someone sketching out and thinking he was an undercover or wearing a wire. He didn't have to play curtain patrol every 3 seconds because he knew that either the cops or the COMET (Combined Ozarks Multijurisdictional Enforcement Team) Drug Task Force was out there watching him. He no longer had to fear his friends, family and girlfriends were either turning him in or conspiring against him. His race was finished, he was done. He was at rest forever. I wanted that.  


To give you an example of where my life was at this time, if I got arrested with money in my pocket to bond out I would stay in county jail for a week or two. I could catch up on sleep, eat a bunch to gain weight and relax. I was calmer and less stressed in county jail than I was on the outside of jail in the real world. I wasn't institutionalized, but life as a drug addict is not all that it is cracked up to be. The combination of drugs and no sleep coupled with low-life friends (because I was a low-life too and we attract people just like us) sucks! It can only take you to dark places.  


I WAS A SOLDIER FOR SATAN! I can remember holding a cocked and loaded gun to my temple, contemplating pulling the trigger and hearing voices from these shapes that were darker than dark shout at me, "Do it. Pull the trigger and come home." I have seen shadow people in the corner while I was high and sometimes when I was not high watching me, always  watching. I have held a gun to someone else's head and been cheered on and encouraged by the same shadow people many think are fake. I tell you this for certain, after a while we become Satan's soldiers and do his bidding. 


Shadow people are real, and so is possession. When I was on meth and would get mad people  have seen my entire eye turn black. I have glimpsed myself out of the corner of my eye in the mirror and saw the demon that had possessed me. How can you not fear life when you are possessed by demons and they are all around you. When you see perfectly sane people doing insane things, that is not the drugs. That is the evil that pervades them. METH IS EVIL!


I know that some may think that I am crazy when I talk about this. I know that our minds can play tricks on us, especially when on drugs and not sleeping for days and weeks at a time. Imagining that you see people in the trees and seeing and hearing something in the room with you are two completely different things. I have talked to many a drug user and we have described seeing and hearing the same things. How is having the exact same experiences in different towns at different times possible. The only way is if it is real. I would see the same things in the corner daily, but in different corners. I believe that when we use we weaken our resolve and we become an easier target for the devil. If meth is evil, then when you do it demons can walk in through the door that you have already opened. I and many others have seen and heard them. 


How can you ever be happy. I feared life because I never knew what I would do next. My family thought that I was undependable but did not know half the truth. I never knew what I would do from one second to the next. I would be sitting shuffling cards one minute and go to the bathroom and come to an hour later playing Russian Roulette the next. I have months of my life that are just missing. I have no recollection of them. I sometimes still have nightmares of me doing things that I do not remember. 


Add to that all of the damage that was caused by the dope I had a part in making and the drugs I sold. How many people got high on my drugs then beat their wives or children? How many people got high off of what I created and raped or molested somebody? How much money did I get that should have been spent feeding neglected, starving children? How many people overdosed on my drugs? 


That is why towards the end of my addiction I was afraid to live. I knew all that I was responsible for, all that I had done, the things that had been done because of my drugs and that evil owned me. I WAS EVIL! Nothing good ever came of drugs, only evil! People in my life were only pawns and I had to use them before they would use me. Nothing good ever came of me, only evil. I hated myself. When I looked into the mirror all I saw was an evil person, a junkie and a convict. 


Don't get me wrong, I did not want to be that way. I tried everything secular to get off of drugs and away from alcohol. I was in jails, prison and rehabs. I saw psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors. I was given one mental health diagnosis after another and switched from medication to medication in order to fix me. I was beyond fixing and there was no natural cure. 


The problem wasn't that I was broken. I couldn't be fixed. The problem was that I had become evil. Friedrich Nietzsche talks about this, "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." My soul had become corrupted and I was left hopeless. Pretty nasty combination. I was devoid of all hope, and even though I wanted to die I was still here. I could not defeat drugs no matter what I tried and there is a reason for that. There is nothing worldly that can defeat spiritual corruption. 

There is only cure, and I have found it. I went to Christ in prayer. I was mired in drug use for 25 years, and never had more than 3 months clean the entire quarter century. I made a deal with God one night at 37, and since that night I have not used drugs, gotten drunk, or smoked a cigarette. I have devoted my life to Christ, and my life has been forever changed. When the Bible says, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH," it means what it says! I am living proof. After all of the near death experiences; trying to die and failing and wondering why I finally had the answer. There is so much I have yet to do to bring Christ to those who struggle with life-controlling issues!


That is all I do now. My life is a 12th step! My transformation has been talked about in multiple blogs on my site Spiritual Spackle. I share about recovery and the power of Christ when ever and where ever I can. I have talked on the radio, television, at colleges, churches, recovery centers, recovery groups (Narcotic's Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, etc.), seminars, conferences and to youth groups. I am now a substance abuse counselor. It is why I am starting a non-profit to share the dangers of addiction and the power of recovery with people across the state, eventually across the country and hopefully the world. Across the world is not out of reach, my blog has been read in almost 100 countries.  


GOD HAS PLACED ON MY HEART THE IMPORTANCE OF SHARING THE EVIL OF ADDICTION AND THE WONDERS OF RECOVERY WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS I CAN. Please feel free to repost and share this blog and my site with as many people as you can. We are on facebook under Spiritual Spackle and Better Life in Recovery . Stay tuned as the non-profit BETTER LIFE IN RECOVERY begins to come together and let us know if you can help in any way with it coming to fruition. Here is a link about what we are doing and what our needs are:    http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/05/better-life-in-recovery-documentary.html I also am a little over half done writing a book that should be out next year about my addiction and what I learned in overcoming it tentatively called Spiritual Spackle. 


Thanks for taking the time to read this blog. It is probably the longest I have ever written, but it is also the most honest I have been. Methamphetamine, and addiction in general, are evil and linked to at least 80% of the evil in this world: murders, rape, child abuse, child molestation, suicide, cruelty to animals, etc. We need to bring an end to it, and I am hoping that Better Life in Recovery will help us reach youth with a more effective intervention than what is currently being done.  

Alcohol........GOOD or BAD?

I had a friend ask me if I thought that it was okay for Christians to drink alcohol. I feel that is a pretty loaded question, because it is a very difficult question to answer definitively. Is it okay for Christians to drink alcohol? In all actuality, is it really okay for anybody to drink alcohol? Yes, but with all kinds of exceptions and qualifiers. There is simply no straight answer to this one, but here is my opinion on it. Drinking is not a bad thing in and of itself. It is a lot like money. Money isn't bad, but the love of money is. Same with alcohol, it is not bad but the love and obsession of alcohol is.

Here is where drinking is okay, but there are still exceptions. If you chose to have a drink with dinner or during a game, then drinking is fine. If you mow your lawn or go out camping and have a couple of drinks, I think that is okay. Dinner party at your house, card game, etc. then one or two drinks is okay. That is the end of my short list.

I am not your judge, so don't ask me to be. Based on my personal experiences I think that drinking usually leads to people making horrible choices. The truth is, if you have doubts, than you should not do it. If you have to ask whether or not something is wrong, best to not engage in the activity at all. We are not trying to see what we can get away with. That is not how we should live our lives. Now for the people who I will tell it is wrong to drink, not judging..................I'm just saying!

If you have several drinks and then chose to drive, then you should not drink. You could end up killing someone. If you have a drug or alcohol problem, then you should never drink, period. In the Narcotic's Anonymous "How It Works," it says that looking at alcohol as different has caused many people to relapse. Alcohol is a drug. I for one found that out the hard way. I never had a drinking problem until I quit doing drugs.

If you cannot always control your drinking, then drinking is a bad thing. If you say that you are going out to have just one beer and going home then end up drinking to intoxication, that is an indicator that you need to not drink. Alcohol actually retards your prefrontal cortex's orbital lobe, which is the decision making part of your brain (This is also the area of the brain that they believe is damaged in a lot of violent criminals).

What that means is in the cartoons when the devil is on one shoulder and the angel on the other debating your choices, alcohol takes the angel away. We do not think things through, or think as rationally, when we drink. We are more prone to violence and inappropriate behaviors are no longer inhibited. Totally unacceptable!!

If you work with addicts/alcoholics, youth in any way, or are in a position where people might look up to you and try to emulate you, drinking is a bad idea. It should simply not be done. I would hate to be the reason for someone who has an addictive personality to think that drinking is okay. I know, they have free will to make their own choices. That is a somewhat valid argument you could make. That said, I hold myself accountable to a higher standard then most. I feel that you should too. The consequences could be dire.

Matthew 18:6-7 let's us know how dire those consequences could be,“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come!

I think drinking can be dangerous, and it is definitely a gateway into much worse behaviors and addiction for many. I feel that it is very wrong for ME to drink. I live and lead by example! I can only tell you what the Bible means to me. I CANNOT DRINK!! I am in the community speaking to youth and adults about the dangers of addiction. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic who is a substance abuse counselor. I would lose all credibility if I were to be seen drinking. It has the potential to impact people other than me.

I would hate to cause someone to stumble. I would rather be the reason someone strives to live their lives a little better. Therefore, I don't want to blend in with every one else. I want to be a lamp shining bright on a hill. I am in this world not of this world. If I look and act like everyone else, how Christ-like am I? How brightly will my light burn? If I drink, than I know that I can't shine!!

What I Have Against the Word Recovered

I have personally never liked the term recovered. I know that Bill W used it (he also used LSD, nobodies perfect) and so does the AA literature, but I have never been a fan. To me recovered means that it is over. This will never be over. I once heard said that the greatest trick the Devil ever did was to convince the world he didn't exist. MY addiction exists. My addiction is looking for a way back into my life. It wants to see just a tiny crack in my shield. That is all it needs to get active again in my life.

My addiction is currently in the back of my head lifting weights and running on an elliptical, getting stronger and stronger. It wants me to believe that I am cured. If I am cured, I can stop all of the positive recovery oriented things that I am doing today. After all, if I am recovered I really don't need them. That is what my addiction will convince me of. I know, it has done it before!

The Devil works in the same way. He will convince us that we are better and that we do not need to do positive things that bring us closer to God daily. "You don't need to pray all the time," the Devil whispers. "You don't need to read the Bible today, you read it yesterday," he tells us. My faith and my recovery have things in common. They both need to be fed. They both have the ability to continue to grow for the rest of my life. They will both always be fighting against their opposite.

I have found that the more I pray, the more I meditate, the more I read God's word the stronger my faith will become. I need accountability partners for both my faith and my recovery. The more that I am around positive people in recovery or of the same faith, the stronger mine will become (accountability partners). I need a sponsor, a person with stronger faith/recovery than I have to be an example for me to follow. If I outgrow them, then I replace them.   


You see, the problem with recovered is that it is way wrong terminology. Recovered means that I am out of danger. I am never out of danger. In AA it is said there is a reason that it is called alcohol"ism" not alcohol"wasim." It will never change, the fact that I have an addiction. I can change whether or not I use, but once I use all bets are off. Just because I do not think about it 24-7 does not mean that I am cured. My addiction wants me to think that I am all better, but I am not. When life is going great, the thought may not be in the forefront of my thinking, but it is still there somewhere.

I no longer obsess about using, but the desire is still there. Example, when my dad committed suicide several years ago the first thought that popped into my head was to get high. "That will make you feel better," my addiction reasoned. My second thought was to call my sponsor, which I did. If I am recovered, that thought never touches my mind. Either one of these things does not occur. First the desire to use is gone, so I do not think about using. Secondly, the sponsor would not have been available to talk to because I would not have had one.


I am not cured, I am in remission. I am in recovery, which is present tense. Recovered is past tense. When you are recovered you leave the hospital. I will never leave the groups that I attend, because I need to not only give but receive strength, experience and hope. The day that I am recovered is the day that I die. Only then will it be over. I am blessed and grateful to be in recovery and I would hate to be recovered. I might forget where I came from or how I got there. Recovered means that I can use or drink again. That will never happen.

The truth is that I have a spiritual disease from which there is no known cure! I am thankful for that disease. It has given me knowledge, wisdom, strength, insight and the ability to reach people and positively impact their lives that I would never have had without it. That is awesome! Still there is never a time while I am alive that I will not be an addict. But there is recovery. There is remission, and for that I thank God for through Him all things are possible! For that I am forever grateful!

Documentary Update - Almost November

So, yesterday I went to my email and saw the most beautiful thing:

Hi David!

Congratulations! Your Pepsi Refresh Project idea Inform YOUTH of addiction's DANGER and recovery's POWER through FILM!! has been randomly selected for review out of all the submissions we received this month.

You’re one step closer to getting your idea out there! But before your idea can be posted for public voting, we need to review it to make sure it meets the Pepsi Refresh Project’s Official Application Guidelines. If it doesn’t meet all requirements, it won’t be posted. On the first day of next month, we’ll let you know if your idea has been approved and will be up for voting. After that, you would begin promoting your idea for a chance to receive a Pepsi Refresh Project Grant!

Thanks for participating in the Pepsi Refresh Project. Keep at it! It’s because of you, your votes and your participation that we’ve made a difference in refreshing the world.

 
Instead it will contain personal stories of those who have waged war with addictions, from drugs to alcohol to food, and came out victorious. It will not glorify or show pictures, but instead contain stories that will show the cost of addiction and how innocently it can start yet how horrific it can become. Since this is what it contains, it should be okayed for one of the projects that get voted on in November. 

I am so ready for the month of November. On November 1st the voting will start and by the end of November we need to be one of the top (I am shooting for top 5) vote getters in the $25,000 category. The top 15 get awarded the $25,000 grant that will enable them to begin their project. I would love to get this grant as it will enable this documentary to get shot and be available for us to begin showing it in schools, colleges, detention centers and other various community venues. 

Here is what I need from you:

1. Come November 1st be prepared to vote daily the entire month for this project 
2. Inform your friends and family so that they can vote also
3. Try to get the word out to your schools and colleges to your fellow students, professors and teachers(if you need flyers they will be posted the first day of November on http://www.betterlifeinrecovery.com/ [which will not be up for several weeks from today] once we are in for sure)
4. Talk to your college departments and see if you can post the flyers on the billboard and don't forget to share it with your professors and fellow students (see flyer information on 3)
5. Get the word out at your job to coworkers (at lunch, breaks, staffings, etc. see flyer information on 3)
6. Get the word out at your church (see flyer information on 3 and if you are in Southern Missouri we will talk to your church ourselves if you would like)
7. Get the word out to your youth group (see flyer information on 3 and if you are in Southern Missouri we will talk to your youth group ourselves if you would like)
8. Share it with your Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, Addicts Victorious, Alcoholics Victorious or other Recovery Group (see flyer information on 3 and if you are in Southern Missouri we will talk to your recovery group ourselves if you would like)
9. Get the word out to your small group (see flyer information on 3 and if you are in Southern Missouri we will talk to your church ourselves if you would like)
10. Put a copy of the flyer up in your break room at work
11. Talk about voting to your peers at school, whether you are in junior high, high school or college (this documentary is for you)
12. If you know a DJ, share the information with them to talk about on the radio and you can get them in contact with me if they would like to interview me on the air if in Southwest Missouri
13. Put the information up on your blog or share my blogs about the project on a daily basis
14. Put the information up on your Facebook, MySpace, or other social networks and tweet about it (Shoot, now I have to get a twitter account and I swore I would not do that)
15. Remind everyone you know daily by email, text, social network or tweet to vote daily the entire month of November!!!!
16. Do not forget that there is also a video that will be up on the site and is already under documentaries on this site that is a one minute synopsis of what we are doing and why it is both different and needed

Thank you very much for the buy in and help on this. It is and will be appreciated more than you will ever know. We will have a new site up just for this project in the next couple of weeks at http://www.betterlifeinrecovery.com/ that you will be able to visit. It will have the link to vote and the information on the 1st of November as well as the flyer you can put up and hand out as soon as we find out that we have been approved after the final review process. 

AGAIN, THANK YOU IN ADVANCE. I KNOW THAT WITH YOUR HELP WE CAN AND WILL COME OUT VICTORIOUS AND THROUGH THE SHOWING OF THIS VIDEO SO CAN MANY WHO ARE ALREADY USING AND THOSE WHO HAVE YET TO BEGIN!!!!!! If you have any questions or would be interested in either helping us or sharing your story, let me know!

I could not have been happier! This means that out of all the grant ideas that Pepsi received ours was one of the 1,500 that was randomly selected. It will now go through a final  review to insure that it does not go against any of the policies that they have for their grants. It cannot promote any particular religion, glorify drugs or alcohol, contain images of drugs or alcohol, promote a political party, contain nudity or profanity. There are also some other policies that they have to review also. Our documentary project, entitled "Better Life In Recovery" does none of that. 

My Testimony Part 3

God had kept his part of the bargain, so I have attempted to keep mine. I am blessed enough to say that I have not gotten into a fight or smoked a cigarette since that night. I am a firm believer in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all through him who gives me strength." Are there days that do not go as planned? Of course, this is an imperfect world, and I believe that Satan tempts us more the better we do. Do I miss the money, of course? But I know what it is to have plenty and be miserable, and I know what it is to have nothing and be content. Money is not the root of all evil, but the love of money is.

I have learned the difference between want and need. Are there things that I want that I do not have? You bet, but I have no needs that are not met. I can do all through he who gives me strength. Do I miss the drugs sometimes? You bet. I can honestly say that I loved drugs and I love the way that they made me feel, but I hate the person they turned me into. I never want to be that person again. I am no longer obsessed by drugs, but the desire is still there on occasion. I have prayed for the desire to be lifted, and it has not happened. I find solace in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, "there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Personally I like triggers,  I feel that they allow me to realize how strong addiction is and see how much stronger still is my relationship with Christ. A relationship is not made strong during the easy times, but during the times of hardships and trials. I can do all through him who gives me strength. In the end, I am blessed by Christ. I have a wonderful life, where I can help empower people to make better life choices in the future.

I agree that life is about more than just helping yourself, which is why the 12th step is by far my favorite step. It is the pay check at the end of a long and hard work week. Let no one tell you that true recovery is easy, but it is worth it. You have to be true to yourself and to Christ, and realize that only by walking the walk can you truly influence others. James 1:27 says that "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

We are born from this world, but we do not have to be of this world. I have discovered through my continued relationship with Christ that sin is not just doing the wrong thing, but also not doing the right thing. For me, that means not repaying evil with evil but praying for my enemies and those who wrong me. I am loud in the songs I sing of my overcoming addiction with the assistance of Christ in my life.

I know that some may judge me, and that is on them. I will not judge, for my relationship with Christ does not allow that. I cannot gauge other's relationships with Christ, but only my own.  However I will not be the excuse, either through my speech or my actions, which someone has for not entering into a relationship with Christ. I try to show love, forgiveness and compassion to all that I come in contact with. I do this because I would want the same done to me. I once heard it said that going to Church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. I agree with that, and I want to be known for my actions, not my words. I want others to see how accepting and nonjudgmental Christ is and come to faith in Him.

They can only see that side of Christ if it is displayed by us as Christians and it all starts with me. Christ has given me a beautiful son, a beautiful wife who has always put Christ first her whole life, a job I enjoy and a story that can be shared with others of how rock bottom can be transformed into a life worth living. I understand how many feel not worthy of Christ’s grace. I remember when I went to my pastor and explained to him about this incredible female that I had met and how I was not worthy of her because I sinned frequently in my past and was new to Christ while she had lived her entire life for Christ. I could not understand how this could be, and my pastor told me a story I will relate to you. 

It is a parable that Christ shared in Matthew about the landowner who hires men in the early morning to go and work his fields for a denarius, which was the common payment for a full day’s work. Three hours later he goes to the marketplace and gets more workers and sends them to his fields. Three hours later he does the same thing, then again three hours later and yet again two hours later. At the end of the day, he paid them all the same and the first hired grumbled about getting paid the same. The landowner told them to take their pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Are you envious because I am generous, he asked them. This parable was not at all about money, but was about God's grace. It means that no matter when in your life you heed God’s call, you will gain Eternal Life. So now, instead of focusing on what God has given others I focus on God's gracious benefits to me and I am thankful for all that have.

I have a life now through Christ that I never had without him and I can finally look in the mirror and love the person staring back at me. I went from a drug addicted felon with no hope and no self esteem to a Christian who can attempt to give to others the grace and hope that was given to me. I can truly do all through him who strengthens me, and so can you. I would strongly encourage anyone considering Celebrate Recovery to look into it, and remember that it is a lifelong commitment. It worked for me and it will work for you. It is not a magical cure; it needs to be actively worked on a daily basis. I hear some say that they are recovered, and to me that says that they are done. I am in recovery, because that to me means that I will continue to work at this program, on myself, and on a better relationship with Christ on a daily basis.


I still get frustrated, still get sad, still feel guilty, still feel lonely and I do not always do the right thing, but I strive to be Christ like and try to ensure that each day I live my life will be better than the day before it. I am no longer a hypocrite; I no longer hate or harbor resentments and anger. Instead I laugh, I cry, I love, I am quick to help and even quicker to forgive. What I once saw as weakness I now often see as strength. Some of those who were once my enemies have become my heroes. It is amazing how your outlook on life changes when you are in recovery.


I owe a lot to the 12 step programs, even more to celebrate recovery, and I owe it all to Christ, for with him all things are possible.

My Testimony Part 2

Two days later, I left behind a house and all of my possessions, taking only a duffel bag of clothing with me. I told my friends I was going on a drug run to Texas, and I never came back. I showed up at the door of my mother’s house and asked her for a chance to stay there until I got back on my feet. That was in July of 2001. I did 90 NA meetings in 90 days, actually more like 150 meetings in 90 days. I found a job waiting tables. By the fall of 2002 I was enrolled in college at OTC with a scholarship from the GED I had taken 10 years prior in prison. I got my associates degree in 04, double Bachelors in Psychology and Sociology in 07 and a Masters in Social Work in May of 2009. I have worked at a residential and outpatient treatment center since January of 08, and I am now the counselor for Greene County Family Dependency Treatment Court.

I did much of this without belief in God. I was never an atheist, more of an agnostic. You could not prove to me that there was or was not a God. I was Thomas and there were no holes to stick my fingers into, so I did not believe. I was clean off of drugs for 7 years, but I was not in recovery. I was drinking, which I justified because alcohol was not my drug of choice. I was getting into fights all of the time. I would not start them, but I went out with friends who liked to start fights and then I would finish them. I was cussing, sleeping around if I got the chance, smoking cigarettes and basically reveling in all of my character defects. I saw a dominatrix on a regular basis to beat me with whips and canes and flogs, because I felt that I deserved the pain. I looked into the mirror and did not like the person that I saw, but I could always look at others and see that I was not as bad as them. I was not where I wanted to be but thank God I was not where I once was.

I thought that I was better. Then I had a bad stretch, possibly my worst stretch ever. My father committed suicide in February of 2008 and I broke up with the mother of my son in and she would not let me see my son for the first several months. I struggled and did not know what to really do. I was out of hope, and my job as a substance abuse counselor was to give hope to my clients. I began to feel that I was a fraud and they were all going to find out. I started to look at the people that I knew who were always happy and no matter what kept their hope and it turned out to be a couple that I knew who were Christians. I went up to my friend Nate and told him what was going on and he invited me to come to Church the following week for service followed by a BBQ. I came, and the first thing I remember seeing was the tattoo wall that hung up in the Church. It was the tattoos that members of the church had and the reasons why they had gotten them. People were dressed in shorts and t-shirts and I did not feel judged for who I was or how I was dressed. Then I heard that they had a recovery meeting, and the next week I checked it out.

I was so nervous that the leader asked me a couple of times if I was okay. I did not feel that I belonged, I was a lost cause. My friends told me to give God a chance to work on me. I probably would not have come back, but the Church was accepting and I did not feel judged. The tattoo wall helped me out a lot. There was also the Celebrate Recovery group that was there, and I came and listened.  I felt that I did not belong at first. I was nervous, and my knee would literally shake the entire time that I was in Church. I wanted the hope I saw people having, but I knew that I did not deserve it. There were people who were there who had not done all that I had done. I was a sinner and could not seem to stop sinning.

In church one day, we read Romans 7:14 and 19, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For what I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing" Wow, there I was in a nut shell. I wanted to do well, but I could not. I was not alone; this guy who is responsible for half of the New Testament felt the same way that I did. In factRomans 3:23 stated, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."   It was not only me it was everybody that was imperfect. This was what I now had to work on.

My faith was weak, and I needed to become strong. I was going to have to separate myself from others and make decisions that would alienate me from my friends. I did not want to be the reason to cause others to stumble, so I had to change a lot of my playmates and playgrounds once again. I would be alone once again, and being alone is something that I hated. James 1:2-4 says that we should, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking of anything."

I realized that the reason I had never been truly happy in my entire life was because I relied solely upon myself, and I could not do it alone. I had my friends, but I relied only on me. No one else was dependable. I always figured that my life sucked, and that was the reason why it got so rough sometimes. I read that in James and for the first time realized that it was the devil working against me finding Christ and building that relationship.

In verse 12 of James 1 it says, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." If I could just work through the trials of this world, it had to be better, right? I would use my own words to answer that question, but Romans 8:18 says this best "Our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." I so look forward to living this life right regardless of the struggles that I face, because of all that I have to look forward to after.

I started off in Narcotics Anonymous talking the walk, and I know that now. I have seen what the difference is between being drug free and being in recovery. I was miserable drug free. I was part of this world drug free, and I was a great example of how to live for you and be completely miserable. I wanted to quit, and still I struggled. Finally, I had enough. I wanted to be the kind of dad that I would want my son to grow into.

I prayed and I made a deal with God one night while I was drinking I behind the wheel of my car going home and there was a police car behind me that was following me turn for turn. I began to start praying to God. (Begging is more like it) I told him that I would quit drinking and fighting and cussing if he would allow me to make it home without getting pulled over and take the cigarette addiction away. That police car followed me through every turn from the bar until I turned onto the street that I live on, and he simply kept going.

My Testimony Part I - How It Begins

I am a believer in Jesus Christ who has been blessed with many trials and tribulations to work through, among them are chemical dependency, anger, criminal behavior, codependency, physical and emotional abuse, an adult child of family dysfunction and sexual addiction. With all of that going on you can believe I have some financial issues, too. I guess you could say that as I was younger I was an overachiever. My mother made predictions for me, such as, “you are going to be an alcoholic just like your dad and go to jail just like your brother.” I always tried to outdo her expectations, as you will see later. I wish that I could blame my beginning, but it was a pretty common start. My father and mother were on again and off again, but not when it came to their belief in God and Christ. I was brought up a Christian, and was up in front of the Church giving sermons by the 4th grade. My parents did not smoke cigarettes, nor did they use bad language. By the church's viewpoint we were the model Christian family. Three children, a collie, Church three times a week, a house on a double lot and the children and their father playing outside with each other on the weekends. Sadly, all was not as it seemed. My father worked 12 hour days at Caterpillar, and when he got home he drank in the garage. He still played with us kids and never was violent (although there were times my mother would hit my dad repeatedly and he would just stand there and take it), but eventually my mother had enough. She left him my first week of 5th grade without telling him where we went, and we did not see him for six months.

My mother sent us to live with her mother and father while she worked two jobs to get us a place of our own. This is where the story goes south, in my opinion. My grandfather was an abusive man, he would beat us to the point that he would not let us go to school for a week at a time. His combination of farmer and lots of money meant that when we missed school he said we were helping on the farm and he got away with it. We never said anything to our mother or the school because our grandpa threatened to kill my sister if we did and we believed him. After all, he shot at our uncle and got away with it. I began to fight a lot in the 5th grade, I would get beat at home and come to school and take it out on whomever. I guess that I have always fought since moving in with my grandfather and liked the pain; I guess that I figured I was to blame for my mom and dad splitting up and that was my penance. I also figured out that if I laughed while my grandfather switched me the beating would intensify and he would wear himself out and my brother would not get beat that day.

At a very young age I had managed to develop some severe anger and masochistic issues. I felt abandoned by God, and I stopped believing in him. Why believe in someone who was not there for me. My mother got a place of our own for us in the 6th grade, and she was smoking cigarettes by this time. I started to smoke too. It began with stealing her cigarettes and ended up my buying them off of other kids at school.

In the 7th grade my father got custody of me. He had not drunk in two years and had begun his own business that was doing well, but he worked overnights. I was quickly on the prowl late night, hanging out at the square and doing random acts of vandalism. I was a quick bloomer, the first weekend I got drunk was the first time that I smoked marijuana, did a line of cocaine, tripped acid, kissed a girl and managed to lose my virginity. From there it was all out. I began to hang out all night. My father tried to ground me for a week, and I came back a month later. It was the last time that he grounded me. He ended up getting remarried and we moved again, but it was more of the same; a lot of THC, alcohol, mini-thins, fighting and promiscuity.

I did not like my new stepmom, and I moved back to my mother’s for my senior year of high school. I was quickly in trouble with the law. I went to jail more times than I can remember for fighting, burglary and breaking and entering. I got into the world of methamphetamine, and soon after my world began to crumble. I was on probation and had numerous violations, and yet they never revoked my probation. They tried scared straight, county jail sentences and house arrest all to no avail. I actually liked county jail; I could catch up on my sleep and not worry about having to watch my back all the time. Finally I did not report to my PO for about 6 months. I had decided to take off and travel around the country without telling him. When I got tired of running I went to see him and told him I was ready for prison. He did not disappoint me, I was 20 and on my way to prison.

It was a long time coming, and I guess I saw it as inevitable. Some people have great stories about their 21st birthday. Mine sucked, I was in Booneville and it was a prison camp for kids 25 and under. It was nonstop fighting, and I learned how to be a better criminal. I also ended up getting my GED while I was at Booneville, which was the only positive thing that happened. I found God, but only to look good to the parole board. I got released to a party house when I paroled out. I was drunk an hour after I got out. I was high, spun and with a girl by the end of my first night out. How I managed to walk down my parole I will never know. I found out that manufacturing could get me more money, more dope and more girls and I was in. To make myself feel better I did good things with my money, like giving to charities and helping friends who did not do drugs pay their bills and raise their families. I cut the methamphetamine with a vitamin B complex powder because it was healthier than what everyone else used. I was making a lot of excuses to make myself feel better for what I was doing.

A year after I got out of prison I drove a car off an embankment drunk. Flew may be a better definition. I took a Firebird off a giant hill and flew 96 feet and was 32 feet in the air. I spent a considerable amount of time in the hospital and came out addicted to opiates. I was using IV by this time, as any other way was a waste in my opinion. Soon after I got arrested in Texarkana for possession with intent to distribute a week before my parole was up. I got off of parole just in time to get back on probation. My drug use by this time was getting ridiculous. I was using more and more meth to keep up with the amount of morphine I was using. I was staying awake for a week at a time, sleeping only on Sundays. I was working for most of the time as a bartender. It was an easy way to keep my PO happy and still sell a lot of drugs. I could always stop using a couple of days before I saw my PO, until the very end.

It got so bad that in 2000 I used an hour before I went to see my PO. When I walked into her office, she asked me a question that I did not want to hear. She asked me if I had been doing drugs. I went ahead and told her the truth. I was on meth, cocaine, opiates and benzodiazepines. She told me because I was honest she would give me a chance, and I turned 28 in a residential substance abuse treatment facility a few weeks later. I completed it successfully and got out ready to show the world they were wrong. I quickly needed money and got sucked right back into the scene. I thought I would just put together a batch, but my use and my quality of life started back up worse than before I had quit. My first use ended with me not sleeping for a few days shy of a month. I used for the next year, and I went through the worst times of my life. I was shot at and shot back at people, came within 5 seconds of shooting a police officer, watched a few friends die from overdoses, overdosed a few times myself, saw a few friends get 25 years in prison or more, was either raided or at places that were several times, beat up several friends and almost killed a few people. I no longer cared about anything or anyone, not even myself. I loved drugs, I loved they way that they made me feel but I hated the person that they turned me into. I had a death wish, and I would put myself in life or death situations because I truly wanted to die.

After an overdose and a really bad drug deal where one of my partners got shot I was emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted. To steal a 12 Step slogan, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I went to my sister's house, which was my life line to sanity. She had never done drugs or even smoked a cigarette and actually had a legal job. She was the only person that I considered sane and safe left in my life. She was the only person in my life who I knew truly loved me for me and not for what I could get or do for them I told her that I wanted to get out and had no idea how. She told me she could make it easier for me. I asked her how, and her reply was, I want you to leave and get clean or I do not want to see you again. I cannot watch you kill yourself anymore.