The Truth About Recovery: My Perspective

I have people tell me to sum up recovery for them, "In your opinion, what is recovery?" I find this extremely hard to do. I once heard someone say that recovery was like playing a country music song backwards, because you get back your house, your truck, your dog and your wife. I have gained so much in my recovery, that it is difficult to qualify or quantify what recovery means "for me."

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so instead of telling you what recovery means to me I will show you what it means to me:

The Testimony I Gave On My 5th Birthday

Hi, my name is David and I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who’s in recovery and I have struggled with drug and alcohol addiction, pornography and sex, childhood physical and sexual abuse, anger, depression, anxiety and codependency. I still struggle with comfort eating, as you can tell by looking at me. The story of how I got to where I am today is a 41 year odyssey and we don’t have that much time. I hope you like cliff notes. My testimony starts out the same way far too many testimonies do.

One of my first memories is being molested by a baby sitter from our church. I was ridiculed and made fun of while being molested; laughed at and told how disgusting and bad I was. That is why I never told my parents. I didn’t want them to know how disgusting I was. Growing up, my mother was physically abusive and my father was an alcoholic. The first week of 5^th grade my mother left my dad and sent my siblings and I to live with her father. He was highly abusive. On several occasions he beat me so badly he called into school for the week and told them I was helping on the farm or I was sick. After the bruises and cuts healed he would send me back to school. In my mind, I thought the beatings were because my grandpa knew what I had done with my baby sitter.

I grew to hate myself and lost all hope. Because of that I became angry and violent. I learned to embrace pain and built walls. I learned to hide my true feelings and only show people what I wanted them to see, or what I thought they wanted to see. I also lost my faith. Growing up, my parents were Christians and I saw them live different lives at home than they did out in public. My parents were hypocrites, and I associated that with Christians. Combine that with the physical and sexual abuse I went through and in the 5^th grade I became agnostic. If there was a God it was not the one I had heard about. He could care less about me, so I could care less about Him.

The summer before 7^th grade I discovered marijuana. Instantly, two things happened. For the first time I felt accepted by a group, and for the first time I forgot about my past. The same weekend I found marijuana I also found cocaine, alcohol, vandalism and sex. What I found was that the harder the drugs, the number I became. I didn’t have to fake not hurting, because drugs made me forget the pain. If I stayed high and drunk, I did not hurt. As worthless as I felt, if I had a cute girl next to me and was getting high or drunk I felt a little better, a little more popular, a little less worthless. I instantly became addicted to more.

More money, more drugs, more alcohol, more women, more fighting, more crime, more partying, more, more, more. It didn't matter what it was, as long as I could temporarily escape my life or numb myself to everything around me. I graduated from probation to scared straight to house arrest to prison, from low self-esteem to self-loathing to hating myself to botched suicides and from doing drugs to dealing drugs to manufacturing them. Nothing was ever enough. Nothing ever made me happy so I destroyed lives. I hated myself and that hate led me to no longer caring for anyone or anything. I was a soldier for Satan.

My rock bottom occurred multiple times, but I would grab a shovel and dig more. I got alcohol poisoning and my stomach pumped as a teen-ager. I turned 21 in prison. I died 3 times in a car accident drinking and driving at 22. I attempted suicide and was found unconscious in a pool of blood at 23. In a one year period when I was 28 I overdosed 3 times. I have died more times than I can count on one hand, but it was never enough to get me to stop using.

Not that I didn’t try, however. I have been on probation and parole for over a decade, jail and prison for about 2 years, seen psychologists and psychiatrists, been prescribed medication, gone to rehab both outpatient and inpatient and did my 90 meetings in 90 days in one of the anonymous programs then completed the 12 steps with a sponsor 2 or 3 times. But I always went back out. The longest I stayed clean and sober was for 3 months.

Then, my dad committed suicide 6 years ago. My drinking spiraled even further out of control. I raged and struck out at anyone and everyone I could. I broke up with my son's mother. For a while I was not allowed to see my son, then could only see him for a couple of hours at the park a week with his mother’s family standing guard as if I would snatch him and run. They were right; I probably would have if they had not been there.

His death and not seeing my son left me raw, hurting and unable to hide behind walls like I had always done before. I had tried everything else and I was still drinking, angry, depressed and hopeless, so I decided to give God a chance. Not going to lie, it was pretty awkward at first. I was lured into church with the promise of good BBQ so I came. After all, I love to eat. I did not like church because it contained Christians. I hated Christians. Christians were weak, fake, judgmental hypocrites that lived in fantasy land. I continued living my life my way. There was no way I was going to drink their kool-aid. I was wrong.

After denying God for over 20 years I finally turned to Him. It was a foxhole prayer nine months after I stepped foot into church for BBQ. One night I pulled out of the bar drunk. A police car zoomed up behind me. I knew if he pulled me over I would get a DWI. If I got a DWI I would lose my job and get kicked out of my graduate program in college. I immediately began to pray. “God, if I don’t get pulled over, I will go to church every Sunday.” I turned and the officer turned with me. I continued to pray, “I promise, if I don’t get pulled over I will go to church every Sunday and will never drink again.” I turned and the police officer turned with me again. Every time I turned he turned and I added something to my prayer. By the time I turned onto my street I was going to start going to church every Sunday, quit drinking, drugging, smoking cigarettes, cussing, fighting and having premarital sex.

As I turned onto my street, the police car went straight. I passed out in my car in the driveway. Passing out in my car was not unheard of for me, but the next morning was a little different. I actually remembered the night before. I had not blacked out like every other time I woke up in my car. I remembered praying to God on the way home and making a deal with Him. I also knew that I had plans to go to my friend Josh’s house to watch the Superbowl and everyone there drank and smoked cigarettes. The voice I always called my addiction that I now realize is the devil started talking to me. “You’ve been using drugs and drinking for over 20 years,” and “You’ve been smoking cigarettes for a quarter of a century,” played over and over in my head. “You’ll never quit. You have tried many times and failed. Why fail again? Go have fun.”

I took a shower and hopped into my car to go to my friend Josh’s. I had given up before I even started trying. Those voices kept talking to me, supporting my choice to go drink. As I was driving to my friend’s house a song came on the radio I didn’t like so I flipped channels. I came to a dead spot and waited to see what song was next. The first word’s I heard were, “I wish you could see me know, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was.” The voice in my head changed. It was no longer the voice I had always heard talking to me but a voice I had never heard before yelling at me, saying, “You are not who you were yesterday. You are changed. You can do this. You never have to be who you were again.” 

I started crying and pulled over to the side of the road. I knew that I would never drink or do drugs again. God used a Christian radio station called the Wind I had never listened to before and a song by Brandon Heath called, “I’m Now Who I Was” I had never heard before to change me. In that instant I  knew God had kept his part of the bargain, so I have attempted to keep mine. I am blessed enough to say I have not drank, drugged, gotten into a fight outside of the ring, been promiscuous or smoked a cigarette since then. I may have cursed a few times, but it is about progress not perfection.

God was leading me in the right direction. That same night I started reading the Bible and discovered Paul. He was like my twin brother. I could totally relate to what he was saying, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For what I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing,”and “Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst.” My attitude towards God was changing, but my attitude towards Christians was not.

I still could not stand Christians because of my experiences with them. Then I met a group that changed all of that. It was called Celebrate Recovery. It allowed me to work through my hurts, habits and hang ups while building relationships with God and people. Through Celebrate Recovery I found a relationship with Christ. I discovered he was not the judgmental, vindictive God I knew from my youth, but instead a God who loved me so much He died so my sins could be forgiven. I began to build real relationships with positive people that cared about me.

I realized that my past relationships were built on drugs, fear and dishonesty. In my addiction I had friends that would have taken a bullet for me, but would have put one in me for the right price. In my recovery I was surrounded by Christians who cared about me and wanted to help me become a better person. They did not use me, look down on me or judge me. In Romans 3:23 Paul says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I came to realize that I was not the black sheep in the church. Instead, the church was filled with black sheep and going there just introduced me to my flock.

Then came the step study. Through the 12 steps in Celebrate Recovery I learned to forgive myself. I learned to like who I was and realized that if not for my past I would not be the person I am today. Step 1 showed me how my inability to work through my problems had caused me to lose hope. Step 1 showed me why I had lost faith in God. I had started worshipping and focusing on my addictions; they were at the center of everything I did.  I had made them my God.

Step 2 was the step that impacted me the most. It reintroduced me to the hope I had lost when I was a child. My hope was abused out of me by the people who should have loved me and protected me then kept out by my Agnosticism and unwillingness to talk about my past and work through. I had nothing to look forward to. In my addiction, if I woke up without a hangover or withdrawals with a cute girl beside who whose name I might or might not know, that was the best my life was ever going to get. I believed at the end of my life I would turn to dust and there would be nothing else. That was the end. No wonder I was so depressed and hopeless all of the time.

Step 2 asked me to begin believing in a Higher Power who had a name. Instead of being told that my Higher Power could be anything I wanted it to be, I was told it was Jesus Christ. I was encouraged to build a relationship with Jesus Christ and be ready for change, for Christ had the power to make changes in me that I didn’t have myself. So I gave God a chance. After all, I had tried everything secular and spiritual and failed.

Through Step 2 I was able to regain hope. InChrist I have something more to look forward to than complete nonexistence when I die. What I do today matters. How I treat people matters. If life sucks today and for the rest of my life, I know what I have coming to me in my next life will be amazing. No matter how bad my day gets, I know that if I continue to live my life guided by the Holy Spirit that I have an eternity of bliss promised to me. Because of that promise, I can make it through everything that this world has to throw at me. When I get knocked down, I have a reason to get back up.

While working through step 2 I really began to understand how the Holy Spirit worked through me. I learned to pray, meditate and listen for the voice of God to guide me on my journey of recovery and in life. I also first heard my favorite scripture, Philippians 4:13. It says, “I can do all through Him who gives me strength.” I learned that I could have a new life if I trusted in God and followed where the Holy Spirit led me.

Part of that journey was God softening my heart and giving me the humility needed to make apologies and amends to all of the people I had hurt and used or who loved people I had hurt and used in my past. In doing that I learned how to forgive myself. That was hardest. After all, I was the person I hurt and hated the most. Over time I stopped seeing a junkie, felon and victim every time I looked in the mirror. I overcame my shame and self-loathing. Through Celebrate Recovery I learned people could know everything about me, from what I had done to what had been done to me, and still love me and want to be friends even though they had not done the same things I had done or experienced the same things I had experienced.

In Celebrate Recovery I learned that people who struggle with codependency, eating disorders, gambling, shopping, alcoholism, drugs, anger, depression and a whole lot of other things all shared some if not all of the same issues I had went through in my past. The only difference between us was the coping mechanisms we used to escape and numb ourselves from them. That was an amazing thing for me to learn. As I became more accepting of other people’s struggles, I became more accepting of my own. God was working in me!

God has made powerful changes and given me incredible gifts. I cannot begin to touch on them all, but I will list a few. A month after I accepted Christ I was first contacted by my wife on E-Harmony. She was a 35 year old lady who had never drank, did drugs, committed a crime and had lived her entire life putting God first. We had nothing in common and I tried to talk her out of dating me. God had a different plan. She is my perfect compliment. Christ had to wait until I was ready to place the woman of my dreams in my life. A year and a half ago my wife gave birth to our daughter, Addison Grace. But that is not all that God has done to build my family.

When my son’s mother and I were together, we never went to church. After we split up, my ex was invited to a single mom’s group at her grandma’s church. After hearing the horror stories there, she began to appreciate me more. Through this program I have been able to forgive her and make amends for hurting her. She has learned to forgive me. Last year, my wife, daughter, son, my ex, her husband and his two kids went to white water and silver dollar city together as one big family. By putting God first in our lives we have been able to build an amazing relationship with each other.

My interaction with others has also changed drastically. I used to believe that people were only placed in my path so that I could use them and staying high was all that mattered. With God that has changed. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope. I now spend my time trying to help others instead of using them. Today I am a counselor for Greene County DWI and Drug court clients. I get to share my experience and hope with them and advocate for them to the judge. It makes me a lot less nervous when I stand in front of a judge today then in the past, I can tell you that much.

I understand why you might feel they are not worthy of forgiveness, that you don’t deserve Christ’s grace. I remember when I went to my pastor and explained to him about this incredible female I had met and how I was not worthy of her because I sinned frequently in my past and was new to Christ while she had lived her entire life for God. I could not understand how this could be, and my pastor told me a story I will relate to you. It is a parable that Christ shared in Matthew about a landowner who hires men in the early morning to go and work his fields for a denarius, which was the common payment for a full day’s work. Three hours later he goes to the marketplace and gets more workers and sends them to his fields. Three hours later he does the same thing, then again three hours later and yet again two hours later. At the end of the day, he paid them all the same and the first hired grumbled about getting paid the same. The landowner told them to take their pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Are you envious because I am generous, he asked them. This parable was not at all about money, but was about God's grace. It means that no matter when in your life you heed God’s call, you will gain Eternal Life.

Realizing that I was worthy of Christ’s grace really helped me. I was beyond hope, or so I was told by many probation officers and counselors and I believed them. If this is how you feel I want you to know that if I can find recovery through Celebrate Recovery, so can you. It is never too late to start a new life, either, as Jesus just explained above but it is something that we can’t do alone. Celebrate Recovery gave me the tools I needed. I had a game plan to follow called the 12 steps. I had a coach to teach me how to play the game called a sponsor. I had teammates who had the same goal I did, recovery. I found them in Celebrate Recovery. They became my accountability partners. Most importantly, I found a relationship with Christ and that has made all the difference in my life.  

In my recovery I have been able to share my testimony with thousands of people. What I used to hate about myself are the same things that people invite me to come and talk about today. I have led chapel and shared my testimony at Assembly of God Theological Seminary and Global University. I have been asked to preach in several churches and I have been a ministry leader for 2 Celebrate Recovery groups. I speak occasionally at Missouri State University and College of the Ozarks. I was the closing speaker at the last Missouri Association of Drug Court Professional’s conference. God has placed me in some amazing places to share the changes He has brought about in my life and keeps leading me to do more.

Better Life in Recovery is the name of the non-profit I am starting and the documentary I have been shooting together with my wife. Through it I have been able to hold events in communities and speak to youth groups about the dangers of addiction and the power of recovery. The purpose is to reach out to those who are struggling and let them know that there is hope and they are not alone in their hurts, habits and hang-ups.

That is what I do today as part of my 12^th step. Speaking and sharing the wonderful life I have found through Christ is my living amends. Thanks for letting me share some of my experiences with you on the 5^th anniversary of my recovery. I hope hearing it helps you as much as sharing it helps me. In all honesty, I owe a lot to the 12 steps, even more to Celebrate Recovery and I owe it all to Christ. With Him all things truly are possible.

My Testimony for 2014 Celebrate Recovery

My name is David and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who has been blessed with many trials and tribulations to work through. I guess that you could say that I am in recovery from the consequences of living in an imperfect, sinful world. We will get to all of that as we go. My testimony starts off the way far too many testimonies begin.

One of my first memories is being molested by a baby sitter from our church when I was 4. I was ridiculed and made fun of while being molested; laughed at and told how disgusting and bad I was. I remember while my parents were reading an article in the paper they had talked about a boy getting touched by an adult and how disgusting and sick it was. That is why I never told my parents. I didn’t want them to know I was disgusting, too.

Growing up my father was an alcoholic. My mother left him when I was in 5th grade and sent us to MO with her dad. My grandfather was highly abusive. I thought that I deserved it because he had found out about me being disgusting and sick. He would beat me than not let me go to school for a week, calling and telling the school I was helping out on the farm instead of letting me go to school and risk anyone seeing the cuts and bruises. I found out that by laughing at him when he was hitting me he would wear himself out on me and my brother would not get beat so I learned to laugh when I felt pain. I never told because he threatened to hurt my sister if I did.

Going to school, I felt different from other kids. They had not been molested, they were not living with their grandparents and they did not get beat at home. I felt less than, inadequate and afraid that anyone would find out who I was. I found that picking on kids less popular than me made me feel better and accepted. I became a bully in 5th grade. I would get beat at home than would beat up other kids. Because of the physical/sexual abuse and my fighting several things happened: I never felt that I fit in, I learned to hide how I felt and who I was, I saw several counselors, I learned to embrace pain, I lost all hope and became agnostic.

In 7th Grade my dad got custody of me. I moved back to Illinois. He worked overnights. My first weekend I was walking the town and ran into some kids on the square. They asked me if I had ever smoked marijuana, and I told them yes. They passed me a joint and for the first time I could remember, I felt I fit in. The next night I went to a party with them. It was the first time I got drunk, did cocaine, tripped acid, kissed a girl and slept with a girl.

I learned that if I stayed high, slept with the hot girls and beat people up I could numb my emotions, temporarily escape my past and feel like I fit in.  I began smoking marijuana and eating mini-thins daily and drinking, being promiscuous and fighting on the weekends.

I moved back to MO with my mom senior year after getting my stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning and multiple legal problems chasing me. I was such a knucklehead that I moved to Southwest Missouri to get away from drugs. The problem was that although I changed locales, I had not changed. I brought me with me. I soon found methamphetamine and dropped out of high school because it got in my way of partying. I continued to get into fights and break the law. At 17 I was on probation.

My probation officer tried everything to no avail: probation, community service, scared straight, house arrest, counseling, rehab and county jail. I went on the run for 6 months then turned myself in. At 20 I went to prison. While there I accomplished 3 things: I learned to be better criminal, got my GED and turned 21.

Two hours after I was paroled I was drunk. I used drugs intravenously for the first time the night I was released. Soon after I was dealing drugs and involved in the manufacturing of meth.

At 22 I flew my car 97 feet off of a cliff, getting 32 feet in the air. I died several times in the ambulance and was prescribed opiates for my injuries. By the time the doctor took me off of opiates months later I was addicted to them as well.

At 23 I got married and left a month later due to issues we were having. I found myself back on probation for possession with intent to deliver. At 24 I attempted suicide but my sister happened to come over and find me unconscious in a pool of blood in my bathroom. She called an ambulance. If you can’t tell, I lived. I was trying to find a way out of my addiction and depression and that was the only thing I had not tried. I was so unsuccessful I couldn’t even do that right.

As a side note I have a history of mental illness diagnosis: Bipolar disorder, PTSD, generalized anxiety, major depressive episodes with psychotic features and antisocial personality disorder. 

At 28 I went to residential rehab for the first time. It took me a month after I got out before I relapsed. That 2 month period was the longest I had been clean since I had started using at 12. I needed money and only knew one way to get it quickly. The voice in the back of my head told me I could sell and not use. As usual, the voice lied. That voice led me from one disaster to the next by telling me what I wanted to hear. That is one of the things that makes me an addict.

In the 13 months my relapse lasted I overdosed 3 times, left a trail of used people and shot someone at a drug deal gone badly. He lived and that actually made me mad. I was an evil person back then, a soldier for Satan.  I have holes in my body I was not born with. I did not get them being a nice guy or being around nice people. I moved in with my mother in Springfield from Branson to get my life in order, leaving all I owned behind me. As usual, I ran away but brought me with along.

At 30 I started college and was working in restaurants. I was soon drinking every night, shooting steroids, still getting into fights, being promiscuous and living my life by my rules as an Agnostic. If this was all there was I had better party it up and enjoy life now! My best day consisted of waking up to my alarm and not the shakes because I needed a drink. After this life I knew that there was nothing so I became a hedonist and chased the next rush or conquest.

An Associates, 2 bachelors and in the middle of a master’s degree later I was still an alcoholic; running from my problems and reveling in my character defects. I got into fights almost weekly, cussed constantly, slept with anyone, constantly looked at porn on the internet while smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I saw a dominatrix on a regular basis to get beaten because I felt that I deserved the pain. I was working at a substance abuse facility while drinking until I blacked out every night. I always said I hated Christians because they were hypocrites, yet I was the biggest hypocrite I knew. Looking back it makes since, as I hated myself.

I looked into the mirror and did not like the person I saw, but I could always look at others and see I wasn’t as bad as them. I was not where I wanted to be but was happy I was not where I had been. Because of that I thought I was better. After all, it was only alcohol and a few legal addictions.

The month before I turned 36 my father committed suicide. Several months later I broke up with the mother of my son. She would not let me see him at first. I struggled. I was out of hope, and my job was to give hope to my clients. I began to feel that I was a fraud and they were all going to find out. I started to look at the people I knew who were always happy. I looked for people who had the most hope. It turned out to be a Christian couple I knew through work, Nate and Becca.

One day I broke down and told Nate what was going on. He invited me to come to Church with them. I said no. He asked again several weeks later, and I said no. Then the following week his wife invited me to church for BBQ.  I love to eat, so I said okay. The first thing I remember was the music. They played a song by Third Day called “Cry out to Jesus.” It was a Christian song that talked about addiction in the lyrics. For the first time in a church I did not feel judged for who I was or how I was dressed. Then I heard they had a recovery meeting called Celebrate Recovery, and the next week I checked it out.

I came a week or two a month for the next 6 months. I was not drinking the kool-aid. I did not really believe, but I was around positive people and I hoped it would rub off. I also heard several things that stuck in my mind. I really liked Paul became of the things that he said.

Romans 3:23 – “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I was not the only sinner in the church. Instead, it was a church full of people who sinned.

 Romans 7:14,19 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For what I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing" I could totally relate to Paul, like he was my long lost twin. He had struggles too and had trouble stopping.

About a year later, I had been drinking heavily. As I pulled out of the bar to go home, I had a police car zoom up behind me. I immediately began to pray. “God, if you let me not get pulled over, I will go to church every Sunday.” I turned and the officer turned with me and I continued to pray, “I promise, if you let me not get pulled over I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink again.” I turned and the police officer turned with me again. Every time that happened I added something else. By the time I turned onto my street I was going to start going to church every Sunday, quit drinking, drugging, smoking cigarettes, cussing, fighting and having premarital sex.

As I turned onto my street, the police officer continued going straight. I passed out in my car when I got home. I remember waking up in the morning and going to bed. I woke up late that afternoon. I had plans to go to my friend house to watch the Super Bowl. I remember getting up and lying in bed trying to piece together the night before. I would generally black out and not remember the previous night, but this time I remembered. I remembered making the deal as I prayed, and the police car driving by after following me half-way across Springfield. That kept playing over and over in my mind. 

I sat and thought about what I was going to do. Finally, I got into my car to go. I can remember thinking that there was no way I could go to Josh’s house and keep my part of the bargain, because everybody there would be drinking and smoking cigarettes. I headed over there anyway. I knew that I had made a deal with God, and that God had kept his part of the bargain. I also knew that I had smoked cigarettes for almost 26 years and been using drugs and alcohol for 24 years. I could not say no. After all, the voice in my head kept telling me I couldn’t do it. Literally, there was a voice in my head telling me I might as well drink because I was going to fail anyway.

As I was driving to my friend’s house I was flipping through radio stations when I heard a song start that I had never heard before. As it played, I started to cry. I had to pull over due to the tears. As soon as I heard the words, “I wish you could see me know, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was,” I knew that I would never smoke again. At that moment I knew that I would never drink or do drugs again. The voice in my head changed. God spoke to me, and I heard a voice in my head start repeating over and over again, “You are not who you were yesterday. You are changed. You can do this. You never have to be who you were again.” 

God had kept his part of the bargain, so I have attempted to keep mine. I am blessed to say that I have not gotten into a fight outside of the ring, been promiscuous, drank, drugged or smoked a cigarette since that night. I may have cursed a few times, but no one is perfect. I have become a firm believer in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all through Him who gives me strength." As an Agnostic I tried everything the world had to offer: medication, rehab, probation, prison, psychiatrists, psychologists, anonymous programs all to no avail. One foxhole prayer and my life has never been the same…….in amazing ways.

Do I miss the drugs and the lifestyle sometimes? You bet. I can honestly say that I loved drugs and I loved the way they made me feel. I hate the person they turned me into. I never want to be that person again. I am no longer obsessed with drugs, but the desire is still there on occasion. I have prayed for the desire to be lifted, and it has not happened. I find solace in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, "there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I have discovered over time what I had been doing wrong and why I had failed so many times. As an Agnostic, when I woke up in the morning without a hangover and a cute girl beside me I knew that was the best my life was ever going to get. Through Christ I have something more to look forward to. No matter how bad my day gets, I know that if I continue to live my life guided by the Holy Spirit that I have an eternity of bliss promised to me. Because of that promise, I can make it through everything that this world has to throw at me.

A month after I committed my life to Christ I was first contacted by the woman who is now my wife on E-Harmony, Julie. Christ had to wait until I was ready to place the woman of my dreams in my life. A month after I met Julie I was baptized. These are just a couple of the ways my life has changed.

My life has changed because I see it differently. I see my life as a gift from God, and how I live my life my thank you to Him. I lived years slapping God in the face, and I will never do that again. I have found a purpose for my life that I never knew was possible because there is more to life than just me and my immediate pleasure.   

I once heard it said that going to Church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. I completely agree with that, and I want to be known for my actions, not my words. The 10 commandments are not multiple choice. My actions today speak of who I am, not who I was. I am a child of Christ, my life a gift from God.  People should be able to see that when they are around me. It starts with doing community service and sharing the gospel with others.

That is why the 12^th step is by far my favorite step. It is the pay check at the end of a long and hard work week. Let no one tell you that recovery is easy, but it is worth it. You have to be true to yourself and to Christ, and realize that only by walking the walk can you truly influence others. James 1:27 says that "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." Because of this I go out and speak at churches, seminars, groups, trainings, schools, colleges and in communities about how addiction begins, how it progresses, the dangers it presents as well as the fact that there is a Better Life In Recovery; which is the name of the non-profit and the documentary I am working on that will reach out to youth and young adults who have struggles with the sole purpose of giving them hope and letting them know they are not alone in their hurts, habits and hang-ups.

I want others to see how accepting Christ is and come to faith in Him. As Paul said, “Christ Jesus came into this world to save sinners of whom I am the worst.”   They can only see loving side of Christ if it is displayed by us as Christians and it all starts with me. Christ has given me an amazing son and daughter, a beautiful wife who has always put Christ first her whole life, a job I enjoy and a story that can be shared with others of how rock bottom can be transformed into a life worth living.

I understand why people feel they are not worthy of Christ’s grace. I remember when I went to my pastor and explained to him about this incredible female I had met and how I was not worthy of her because I sinned frequently in my past and was new to Christ while she had lived her entire life for God. I could not understand how this could be, and my pastor told me a story I will relate to you. It is a parable that Christ shared in Matthew about the landowner who hires men in the early morning to go and work his fields for a denarius, which was the common payment for a full day’s work. Three hours later he goes to the marketplace and gets more workers and sends them to his fields. Three hours later he does the same thing, then again three hours later and yet again two hours later. At the end of the day, he paid them all the same and the first hired grumbled about getting paid the same. The landowner told them to take their pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Are you envious because I am generous, he asked them. This parable was not at all about money, but was about God's grace. It means that no matter when in your life you heed God’s call, you will gain Eternal Life. So now, instead of focusing on what God has given others I focus on God's gracious benefits to me and I am thankful for all that have.

I have a life now through Christ that I never had without him. I can finally look in the mirror and love the person staring back at me because I was finally able to deal with my problems instead of trying to stay numb and escape them. Working through the steps actually allowed me to not only forgive others, but to finally forgive myself. After all, that was the person I hurt and hated the most.

I went from a drug addicted felon with no hope and no self-esteem to a Christian who shares with others the grace and hope that was shared with me. I like to say that I went From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope. I can truly do all through him who strengthens me, and so can you. I would strongly encourage anyone considering Celebrate Recovery to look into it, and remember that it is a lifelong commitment. It worked for me and it will work for you.

It is not a magical cure; it needs to be actively worked on a daily basis. I hear some say they are recovered, and to me that says that they are done. I am in recovery. That means I will continue to work at this program, on myself, and for a better relationship with Christ on a daily basis. You see, I still get frustrated, still get sad, still feel guilty, still feel lonely and I do not always do the right thing, but I strive to be Christ like and try to ensure that each day I live my life will be better than the day before it.

I am no longer a hypocrite; I no longer hate or harbor resentments and anger. Instead I laugh, I cry, I love. I am quick to help and even quicker to forgive. What I once saw as weakness I now often see as strength. Some of those who were once my enemies have become my heroes. It is amazing how your outlook on life changes when you are in recovery.

Thank you for letting me share some of my experiences with you and how God has impacted my life and completely change the way I live it. In all honestly I did very little. I owe a lot to 12 step programs, even more to Celebrate Recovery, and I owe it all to Christ. Trust me, with Him all things are possible

Better Life in Recovery Testimony - Beyond Repair 2012/07/29

This is the testimony/sermon that I gave at Life Fellowship Church. It is the story of my life, from sexual and physical abuse at a young age which led to anger, depression and substance abuse. After 25 years of substance abuse and multiple attempts at stopping that included jail, prison, rehab, medication and multiple therapists I thought that I would never be able to overcome my addiction. Then I decided to give God a chance, and since the night I made a deal with God I have not used.

In my finding recovery God placed a couple into my life that loved me to Christ. If not for them, I would not be where I am today in my life. I would be dead. Looking at Paul and Ananius and the correlation between me and the couple that entered into my life, I ask the congregation to challenge themselves to go out and see what Paul they can be an Ananius to.

Moral of the story is that no one is beyond repair, but if we do not go out into the world and show everyone God's grace and love then we are not living our lives right!!

Are You Grateful for Your Addiction? or Why I'm Glad To Be A Pickle

Have you ever wondered, "When will I feel or be the person that I used to be?" It could be because you struggle with addiction, you lived through a natural disaster, you were abused as a child or you lost a child. You want to get over it, to forget it and to move on. You want to forget that it happened so that your life can return to normal. I often have clients that I work with ask me the same question, "When do I get to be the person that I was before this happened?"

The short answer is, NEVER! Before you shut me out, hear me out. I was abused as a child, my parents separated and I blamed myself, other family members were abused and I blamed myself, I went to prison, I dealt drugs, I attempted suicide, I was involved in manufacturing methamphetamine and I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. There is nothing that I can ever do to change what I did in the past. No time machine to hop in and undo what I had already done.

Along the way I found that no amount of anger, anxiety, self-loathing, denial, depression, bargaining or escape will change my past. I wasted a lot of energy on that in my past, and yet everything that I had done remained done. I never was able to change the choices I made in my past. I beat myself up for years about it. I hated myself! Every time that I looked into a mirror I saw a convict, a junkie, and a dope cook. I was miserable, and I saw no way of ever escaping my past. I had not shot up in a decade and I still thought about it sometimes, and I still judged myself for doing it.

Then I heard an example that changed my life. I will share it with you know, and in the way that I now share it with others. We are all born cucumbers. That is not a bad thing, there is nothing wrong with a cucumber. It may be a little bland and tasteless. I cannot eat a cucumber all by itself. I generally need to dip it in ranch, or eat it with other things in a salad. As a cucumber, it is okay.

Know, take that cucumber and add some spices and vinegar and let it soak all that up and simmer in it. You know have a delicious pickle. That bland, ordinary cucumber has been transformed into something awesome! Just as we as humans are transformed by the things we experience and overcome in our lives. We have to soak in all of the negative things that happen to us, whether they are done by others or by our choice, and then use those to change us.

Before my addiction I was a cucumber, now I am a pickle. I have more flavor, so to speak. Thanks to my addictions, mental illnesses and abuse I have gained strength and wisdom that can only be gained through overcoming! Without my past, I am just like everybody else. I am normal. That is not a bad thing, the world needs normal people. That said, the world also needs pickles. Who better to help someone overcome an addiction than a former addict?

I do my job as well as I do for two reasons. One reason is that I have gone through extensive training in college and continuing education training. I have read countless books and listened to multiple experts in the field talk. The second reason is that I also have lived as an addict and by the Grace of God overcame my addictions. That gives me empathy that many do not have. It has allowed me to stay positive and hopeful when working with clients and friends who are struggling with life controlling issues.

In Celebrate Recovery we call them hurts, habits and hang-ups. We do that because it does not just have to be addiction. In fact, it seldom is only addiction! I was abused as a child, grew up in a split home, my father was an alcoholic, I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder as well as many other mental health diagnosis, I felt like I never fit in as a kid, attempted suicide, my father committed suicide, I have seen multiple people die, etc. Recovery is working through all of those issues and finding that a better life exists.

Without my past, those who I help would not listen nearly as much. They would not find the hope that they do, if they could not relate to me. Research shows that the therapeutic alliance is the single most important indicator of success! I can build that alliance because I am a pickle. Someone in the pickling process can talk to me or hear my story and know that they too can eventually step out of their addiction.  As pickles we can impart hope to those who are still struggling that one day they too can be a pickle!

Now, if you wanted to take that pickle and turn it back into a cucumber could you do it? Of course not, once a cucumber is pickled it can never be unpickled! It has now underdone a permanent change and become something totally different. That said, why would it ever want to be a cucumber again? Now that I have some flavor (experience, wisdom and strength), why would I want to give that up?

When I think of people who save other's lives, there is a list that comes to my mind. I think of fire fighters, nurses, doctors, paramedics and addicts in recovery. All of those people have had to go through specialized training in order to save others. Some people go to college, or an academy to learn how to save lives. We lived life, and then either through the 12 steps or Christ (or both) we have overcame our issues and now we are willing to share our strength, experience and hope with others.

Since I have began to use my past to empower others, I have come to peace with my past. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope and I would never change what I do today. I not only get to talk to addicts, I also have the privilege of talking to pastors, chaplains, missionaries, college students, professors, substance abuse counselors, probation officers and the families and parents of addicts.

Today Spiritual Spackle is 1 Year Old!!

As of today, Spiritual Spackle has existed for one year. What that means is that one year ago today I began a blog that bears the same name of the book that I am currently writing. Spiritual Spackle the book and the blog are both dedicated to 2 things: Christ and Recovery. There are other things that I do talk about, but in reality all that I write about boils down to being in recovery and being Christ-like. Everything else is truly secondary. Do I write about being a husband, father and counselor. Yes I do, but without recovery and Christ I would suck at them, so the theme permeates all that I do!

When I first started the blog, I had hopes that it would be read at least 100 times a week. That would be 5,200 hits over the last year. You broke that, and it has been viewed 11,512 times. That is 221 times a week. I find it awesome that so many people care about reading what I have to say about Christ and Recovery. I just hope that what I write can help teach some, lead others and give hope to all who spare me several minutes of their time to stop by and read something I have written.

I did not even really think about the other countries that would visit this site. I would have thought maybe 10 or 20 if I would have been asked. Instead, there have been 84 countries that have stopped by Spiritual Spackle. You can see all of them at http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/06/countries.html  The top 10 are:

1. United States
2. Russia
3. United Kingdom
4. Germany
5. France
6. Brazil
7. Canada
8. Slovenia
9. Australia
10. Philippines

I have had some blogs that have had more hits than others. The top one that I have ever posted had over 650 hits and it was not written by me. The top blog that I posted was viewed by over 200 people, and it is one of my testimonies. I am grateful that my finding recovery through Christ was interesting and hopefully inspirational enough that over 200 people have watched it. The rest of the top 10 are written by me or about the non-profit that I am forming. Here are the links to the top 10 blogs in my first year:

1. http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/45-seconds-memoirs-of-er-doctor-from.html
2. http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/01/celebrate-recovery-testimony-01192012.html
3. http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/joplin-tornado-and-psychological-first.html
4. http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/10/documentary-update-please-like-and.html
5. http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/08/call-to-christians.html
6. http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/03/reason-rally-atheists-agnostics-and.html
7. http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/12/thank-youthe-journey-has-only-just.html
8. http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/05/better-life-in-recovery-documentary.html
9. http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/09/chris-rene-young-homie.html
10. http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/12/i-have-enquiring-mind-i-want-to-know.html

What has disappointed me is the number of likes that I have gotten on Facebook. I have only had 142 like the site so far. It is found here http://www.facebook.com/pages/Spiritual-Spackle/208425445856402 and I would have figured that I would have at least 250 likes by now. Truth be told, if you want to like the site than like it. If not, at least continue reading. In the end, reading what is on this blog is much more important than clicking like. That said, feel free to share this blog with all that you know and I look forward to sharing more about Christ and Recovery with you in the years to come! Here is to Finding A Better Life Exists.........in Recovery!

The Impact that "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath Had on My Life

I was raised to believe in God by my parents. Then they split, and my mother sent us to live with her father. He was highly abusive, and at times would beat me to the point he would not allow me to go to school for a week so that my injuries would not be seen. I soon became angry and violent and lost my faith in God. I was in the 5^th grade.

I spent much of my life in addiction. It started with cigarettes in 6^th grade and advanced to marijuana, cocaine and mini-thins in 7^th grade. When I moved to Missouri my senior year I was introduced to methamphetamine. I used methamphetamine for the next 12 years, in and out of jail and prison. I also had a severe car accident that left me addicted to opiates. I quit methamphetamine and opiates when I was 29 and started college. I began drinking a few months after I started college. I drank for the next 7 years, becoming an alcoholic and drinking to black out almost every night.

In February of 2008 my father committed suicide. In July of 2008 I broke up with my son’s mother and and she would not let me see my son for the first several months after our break-up. I struggled and did not know what to do. I was out of hope and was beginning to feel the same depression that I felt when I had attempted suicide in 1995. I started to look at the people that I knew who were always happy. The ones who no matter what kept their hope, and it turned out to be a couple I knew who were Christians.

I went up to my friend Nate and told him what was going on and he invited me to come to Church. I told him no. The next week he invited me again and I said no. Then his wife invited me the following week for church and BBQ. The food got me. I came, and the first thing I remember seeing was the tattoo wall that hung up in the Church. It was the tattoos that members of the church had and the reasons why they had gotten them. People were dressed in shorts and t-shirts and I did not feel judged for who I was or how I was dressed. Then I heard that they had a recovery meeting, and the next week I checked it out.

I went to church one or two times a month for the next 5 months. I got to hang out with a couple people that I really liked and was surrounded by happy people. But I was still an Agnostic and struggled with the concept of God. Then I had a night that started the turning point in my life.

I had been drinking one night, heavily. As I pulled out of the bar to go home, I had a police car pull out behind me. I immediately began to pray. “God, if you let me not get pulled over, I will go to church every Sunday.” I turned and the officer turned with me and I prayed again, “I promise, if you let me not get pulled over I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink again.” I turned and the police officer turned with me again. Every time that happened I added something else. By the time I turned onto my street I was going to start going to church every Sunday, quit drinking, smoking, cussing, fighting and having premarital sex.

As I turned onto my street, the police officer continued going straight. I pulled to my house and sat in the car thinking. I guess that I passed out in my car. I remember waking up in the morning and going to bed. I woke up late that afternoon. I had plans to go to my friend Josh’s house to watch the Super Bowl. I remember getting up and laying in bed trying to piece together the night before. I would generally black out and not remember the previous night, but this time I did. I remembered making the deal as I prayed, and the police car driving by after following me half-way across Springfield kept playing over and over in my mind. 

I sat and thought about what I was going to do. I had plans to go to my friend Josh’s house to watch the Super Bowl, and I got into my car to go. I can remember thinking that there was no way I could go to Josh’s house and keep my part of the bargain. I headed over there anyway. I knew that I had made a deal with God, and that God had kept his part of the bargain. I also knew that I had smoked cigarettes for almost 26 years and been addicted to either drugs or alcohol for 24 years. I could not say no.

As I was driving to my friend’s house I was flipping through radio stations when I heard a song start that I had never heard before. As it played, I started to cry. I had to pull over due to the tears. I could not see to drive. As soon as I heard the words, “I wish you could see me know, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was,” I knew that I would never smoke again. At that moment I knew that I would never drink or do drugs again. God spoke to me, and I heard a voice in my head start repeating over and over again, saying, “You are not who you were yesterday. You are changed. You can do this. You never have to be who you were again.” 

The song turned into my anthem and has remained my anthem. I have not drank, smoked a cigarette, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight since the night I prayed to God and bargained with him. I have been able to do that because I’m not who I was. I have begun to relate to the song more and more as my life has changed. When he says, “I used to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side too,” I see the way that I feel about myself and others. I was mad at myself and was hurting. Due to that, I was mad at everyone else, too. I would do whatever I could to keep people away from me, because I knew that if they got to know me, they would hurt me.

When he says, “I found my way around to forgiving you some time ago,” I remembered how hard it was to forgive myself. Long after everyone else had forgiven me, I still struggled to forgive myself for the choices in my past. Then I got saved and turned my life around, and I stopped focusing on hating myself and began looking at how I could use my past to help others. I also forgave the people that I hated in my addiction. Many of them I will never see again to tell them that all is forgiven.

I have ended friendships out of anger when I was really angry at myself, or I was tired of seeing disappointment in their eyes that might or might not have been imagined every time that they looked at me. I was mean and hateful because I was coming down, or I had just gotten out of jail, or just gotten hurt  by somebody else and took it out on them. There are so many reasons......................

Later in the song he says, “I wonder if you ever loved me just for who I am.” That line breaks my heart, because it is so true. I see the people who were my “friends” in my addiction and I know that they did not love me for who I was. My friends were my friends when I was an addict because of several reasons: I had money, I had drugs, I would give them drugs for free or cheap so they could get a hustle on, I gave them a place to sleep, I would buy them food and cigarettes, I would let them take advantage of me, I had a vehicle, they were scared of me/intimidated by me, they wanted to sleep with me or they wanted to sleep with my girlfriend. Never for who I was, but what was in it for them. Sad, sad, sad, but oh so true.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Even though we make changes in our lives, we still have things that have happened in the past and things that happen today that will hurt us and cause us pain. In my past, everything was someone else’s fault. I would feel pain and it would make me strike out at others. This changed in my recovery, as when old situations would arise (new ones too) I would look at the part that I played in them. This was progress. My old friend was blame. Not accepting responsibility kept me sick. If I did not do it, I could not change it. When I accept responsibility, I can then make positive changes!

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was the exact opposite of this. In my addiction I thought that I could sing. I found out in my sobriety that I could not. It was kind of embarrasing when I realized that I could not sing nearly as well as I thought that I could. I had always been encouraged to sing, but those people were as out of it and as fake as I was. I can carry a tune, but it is done with a voice that cracks at all the wrong places. Sobering reality!

The second part of this verse shows the difference in some of us in our addictions. I wanted no one around me when I was an addict. I would chase people away. If someone told me that they loved me, I would break up with them. If they were sick enough to love someone like me, I wanted nothing to do with them. Now, I know that I am worth loving and I have something to offer a partner. No doubt, I am not who I was!

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

I have a lot of people in my past that I feel I owe apologies to that I will never see again. I have not forgotten them, nor how I have wronged them. I have instead thought that living my life well and trying to help other’s live their lives well is the best way that I can make amends. I also think that they may read my blogs or my upcoming book, or see me giving my testimony and see the changes that I have made. I do not regret what I have done, because it has made me who I am. That said, I have done things that were messed up and wrong. I just have realizes that I cannot beat myself up about the past. I cannot change the past, I can only make positive changes in today. Therefore, today is where I stay.

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

My favorite line of the song! Amazing grace is truly that, amazing. Grace is both unmerited favor and being given the ability to carry out the will of God. I realized that in my recovery and in my relationship with Christ, I found that I was undeserving of the grace that I received. I surely did not deserve favor from God. At the same time, I realized that I deemed others as unworthy of getting grace. I would look at many with animosity and would not forgive them when they wronged me.

As I grew, I found that if I were given favor by God and the ability to carry out His will, then surely that would mean I needed to forgive others and give others favor that were undeserving in my eyes. As I began to give other’s the grace that I was blessed to receive, I stopped seeing others as undeserving and gained an ability to see others for who they could be. That is what love is about, giving people the compassion, hope and faith they need. This allows them to become who they were meant to be, instead of remaining who they are. God blessed me, and to thank Him I should follow what He deems important. He said that love never fails! So I share my success with others and believe that they too can make positive changes.

This song has seen me go from addiction to working as a substance abuse counselor. I am currently writing a book called Spiritual Spackle, about how my life was as an agnostic struggling with addictions and mental illness and is now by the grace of God, as well as the concepts that got me sober. I am also currently creating a non-profit called Better Life in Recovery to take the message of recovery into Junior High, High School and colleges as well as churches, youth groups, small groups, seminars and conferences. I also speak about what God has done in my life any chance I get. I have spoken at recovery groups both secular and faith based, at churches, colleges and at conferences about how I am not who I was.

This song is also regularly shared with the clients that I work with when they are feeling defeated, hopeless and unable to change. I talk to them about the change being possible, but not if they do not realize that they are not the same person they were when they were in active addiction. I have found this song gets that message across to people better than simply telling them.

I met Brandon Heath at a concert in October of 2009. I did a meet and greet with him and the other entertainers that performed with him. I was excited to tell him the impact that his song had on me. I talked to him for maybe 2 minutes and told him where I was in my life while in addiction and that I was now sober and saved and his song was my anthem for recovery. He told me thanks, that it meant a lot as a song writer to hear that his songs were actually making a difference and having an impact. 

I would love to actually have the opportunity to talk to him for twenty minutes and give him my testimony. I would tell him about the things that have happened to me in my life, and where I am now. To share with him the impact that “I’m Now Who I Was” has had on me. To talk about the projects I am currently a part of. To let him know how his song has been the fuel that has helped me advance God’s Kingdom by sharing the amazing changes Christ can make in your life if you accept Him into your life. I’m not who I was, and the confidence to step into recovery was given to me by Brandon Heath’s song. This song was the catalyst that  let me know that I could change and I was no longer a failure, but could become an inspiration. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope.

New Page on Site entitled "Public Speaking and Promotional Pieces"

Today I have started a new page on my Spiritual Spackle site. It consists of me giving my testimonies, speaking in public and various promotional pieces that I have done for the projects I am a part of. It is my hope that people will watch me sharing my experiences and  dealing hope through my testimony then have me come speak to their small groups, youth groups, recovery groups, at schools, colleges, churches, camps, communities, seminars, concerts and trainings. If you are interested in me coming and speaking I can be contacted at david@spiritualspackle.com or david.stoecker@gmail.com Please contact me. I want the world to see that there is a Better Life in Recovery and that the way is through a true relationship with Jesus Christ.

I am also wanting to get more people to hear about Better Life in Recovery, the non-profit that is currently forming that will take a documentary and so much more into communities, churches, colleges and schools. The documentary should be completed by May of 2012. It will have as a primary purpose teaching youth the dangers of addiction and that there is a better life in recovery from life controlling issues. It will also teach parents, teachers, pastors and professionals ways to identify and address those issues.

We still need volunteers to help us with fundraising, marketing, social media development, website development, program development, an attorney, an accountant, contributors for original writing/sharing personal experiences with addiction/recovery, grant writing as well as contributing money, time, original artwork, your band performing, signed memorabilia and other items for silent auctions and fundraisers.  That site is http://www.betterlifeinrecovery.com/ (it is a very bare bones site until we find a web site developer).

I am also in the midst of writing the book entitled Spiritual Spackle that will document my story of overcoming various addictions, depression, suicide attempts and prison then sharing the things that were instrumental in my overcoming them. As an FYI, this book is very faith oriented, as Christ, the Holy Spirit and the Apostle Paul were very instrumental in my recovery. It should be finished by the end of 2012.

Here is what several people have said about me and my message:

"David is a man who has walked the road of addiction and recovery.  In that he is classified as a 'wounded healer'.  He is in my mind the best person to lead the way for those struggling with life-controlling issues.  He is passionate, humble and knowledgeable about this topic...a rare and powerful spokesman for today's culture so encumbered by destructive patters of behavior."

Dan Call
Senior Pastor of New Life Church, Springfield, MO

"In 2010 I retired after 40 years as a researcher, author, consultant and Professor of Sociology and Criminology. During the last few years of my teaching career I regularly invited David to my classroom to be interviewed by me and my students. On every occasion that he visited my classroom he revealed his past life experiences in a way that invited student inquiry and left students with a powerful message - a message of hope in the face of despair. David's life story is both a tragic one and a wonder. The tragedy was in the way he was treated as a child and the wonder is the strong, independent, focused and positive person he has become today. I hope David continues to reach out to others with his story so that they, too, can see that a troubled youth can turn his or her life around given the opportunity and the will."

Mike Carlie, PhD
Emeritus Professor of Sociology and Criminology
Missouri State University

The new page can be found at http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/p/personal-testimonies-and-speaking-in.html

PLEASE LIKE AND THEN SHARE THIS BLOG ON FACEBOOK, RETWEET IT AND EMAIL IT SO THAT MORE PEOPLE CAN HEAR ABOUT THIS SITE, THE UPCOMING DOCUMENTARY AND TO ENABLE ME TO TALK TO MORE PEOPLE IN MORE PLACES ABOUT WHAT CHRIST CAN DO IN THEIR LIVES. THANK YOU!!!

My testimony given as part of Global University's Chapel Service

This is me giving my testimony for Chapel at Global University. It was different, giving my testimony to a room full of missionaries and pastors. The result was the same, a room full of people learning what the Holy Spirit has done in my life. From dope dealer to hope dealer, life changed by a single prayer and I am never looking back. 

Fighting the Battle

I have had a busy week this week. The 4 year anniversary of my dad's suicide was on Sunday. I was the pallbearer at my aunts funeral on Tuesday. I had hurt my back on Friday, and somehow had made it worse on Tuesday. When I woke up Wednesday it hurt to sit up and hurt to walk. Ended up spending several hours at Urgent Care before I got to even see a doctor. I guess that makes urgent a misnomer. Turns out that I have a slipped/bulging disc in my lower back. Now we get to wait and see if it slips back in on its own. That is the reason that I have not written anything this week. I have been in pain.

I did give my testimony in Chapel at Global University and I hope to have that up in the next day or two so that it can be viewed. My wife said that she has had several people ask her about my coming to speak at their churches, small groups and to a youth group. I am extremely excited about having those opportunities to reach others and share what the Holy Spirit has done in my life, changing me from a dope dealer to a hope dealer!

My book, Spiritual Spackle, is over half written and has begun the editing process. I am hoping that through the editing it will help me become better equipped to complete the book! It is taking me longer to complete than I had originally thought but it is coming together. In closing I just want to say thanks for reading. I have now been read almost 8,000 times in 60 countries!

The Longer I'm In Recovery

I shot one more interview for the documentary this morning then took my wife to worship team practice. We are shooting a friends testimony for her tomorrow so that she can have it to give to potential speaking venues so they can hear what she will bring to their audiences. I am meeting with my web designer Monday, my accountability partner on Wednesday and giving my testimony at Ridgecrest Baptist Church on Thursday. All week I work as a substance abuse counselor peddling hope while watching clients rebuild clean and sober lives. My life is recovery, and my life is amazing. It used to be filled with depression and anger as a soldier for Satan, now it is positive and optimistic with a focus on Christ.

There is a reason for that positivity and optimism. That reason is simple. I know what hell looks like and how it feels to wish for death. I have been to those places. I have seen demons and heard them scream in my ear. That was my past. Now I know what it is to be filled with love and guided by the Holy Spirit. I now want to live. That is all possible because I chose to turn my life over to Christ in a moment of need. I had tried everything but Christ, and they had all failed. With God, all things are possible.

Now I have a new lease on life; an outlook on my day that makes people like to be around me. I can now be a good example for others to follow and share with them a story of God's unimaginable grace. I feel that is my duty; to share my past addictions and defects as well as my recovery and how it occurred. The longer that I am in recovery, the louder my voice should be. It is not to be forgotten where I came from and how I got to where I am today. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul says that he boasts about his weaknesses, hardships, difficulties and persecutions. So do I.

That is what my testimony and life are. I get to show others that there is a better life in recovery. The longer that I am in recovery, the stronger and wiser I become. It is my responsibility to share that strength and wisdom with others. For years I took from society, and the further in my addiction I got the more I took. Therefore, the longer I am clean and sober the more I owe back. I got a second chance at life (more like an 8th chance. I must be a cat to have this many lives) and it is wasted if I don't use it to help others!

Shooting the Documentary: Round 1

We have officially got our first group on video. I am hoping that we will do 2 more shoots over the next month and a couple of weeks. I would like us to be finished shooting by the beginning of February. It is always interesting to me when I get the opportunity to be a part of something that is amazing. There are also always complications that get in the way.

A long time ago we were trying to find a place to film that had the ambiance and character that Julie was looking for. We talked to a place that we really wanted to use. We were quoted the price of $175 an hour to shoot there. Since we are currently funding this ourselves, that was out of our price range. We looked around a little bit more, and we found the Springfield Creamery Art Center. We paid $25 to join the join the Springfield Art Council and now shoot at the Creamery for and they worked out a much better deal with them. Let me just say that they offered us an amazing opportunity. It was too good to pass up, so..............we took them up on it!

We made plans several weeks ago to shoot there from 9-2 Saturday. I was going to go at 9, followed by an engaged couple Josh and Sabrina at 10 and 11 that are both 26, Randall who is in his 40's at 12 and a 21 year old named Clayton at 1. We had our lineup of talent (those we are interviewing for the documentary are considered talent, and calling them "the talent" is just fun to say) to film and we had our location. I thought we were good to go. I was wrong! Saturday we hit many snags. Yet we prevailed.

For starters, I did not realize we were down to one High Definition tape to film with. I discovered this at 8, and we were to be at the location by 9. We looked for the tape at Wal-Mart since they were already open. Of course they did not have any. They had tape, but not Hi Def. We then went to a camera and video place here in Springfield, but they did not open until 9. We tried to call Best Buy, but they did not open until 9 either. We had no choice but to wait until they opened.

While we were sitting in the parking lot waiting for the camera store to open, I remembered that I had forgotten the lap top with the questions to ask the talent. We had to return home to get the lap top, and then drive back to the store. By the time we got back there they were open. Murphy's Law kicked in, which is my way of saying they did not have High Def film either.

We now had to go to Best Buy, which I was avoiding like it was contagious due to it being a week before Christmas. We called them, and were immediately told that our call was important by the automation. We were then given some wonderful music to listen to and placed on hold. We went, found parking in the parking lot eventually and then entered inside. I hung up the phone as I walked inside, still on hold after driving across town, searching for parking then hiking to the store from the back 40 were parking was available.

Amazingly, they had 6 two packs of High Def film, so we grabbed them all (My apologies to anyone who goes there and cannot find any film). Then we got the pleasure of waiting in the uber-long Christmas line. Julie and I joked the whole way, and decided that we did not really need to film me anyway. We would still be there 15 minutes early so that we could set up and prepare to shoot the couple who was coming at 10.

Wouldn't you know, at 9:40 we get the call from the talent we have scheduled to shoot at 10 letting us know that they are there waiting for us. We tell them that we will be there in 5 minutes. True to our word, we show up at 9:45 and unload. The parking lot is bare, but we are not thinking about that. We grab gear, walk to the door and it is locked. As we explore the entire building, we discover that the entire building is locked up tighter than Fort Knox.

At this time, I begin to laugh! Then all four of us there begin to make phone calls to look for other people. We are all searching through our phones frantically, but to no avail. Then we begin to brain storm about prospective places. We scrambled around and finally talked to people at the Discovery Center, who agreed to let us shoot there for free. As soon as they said we could film there we headed that way. We were filling out paperwork at the Discovery Center when Julie's phone rang. It was a call from the Creamery. Someone was on there way to unlock it for us.

We thanked the lady at the desk and then we left, headed back to the Creamery. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, the talent for the slot at 1 called. There was an emergency with his father and he was going to have to bow out. I told him that was completely understandable, and that we would have him give his testimony and answer questions for the documentary in our next filming session in January. I told Julie this was perfect. We could now still film me today.

Then we arrived at the Creamery. We were met by a very gracious lady who explained the miscommunication to us. The building was supposed to be open due to ballet practice being held there. It always is on Saturdays. That said, this week was different. Due to Springfield Ballet presenting "The Nutcracker" over the weekend ballet practice was moved to the Vandivort Theater and the Creamery was locked up.

We got set-up to shoot and it was now almost 11. We began with Josh. He gave his testimony then answered the 20 plus questions for the documentary. We had successfully gotten our day started. While he is giving his testimony Randall calls. He will be running late and will not be there on time. I told him that he could have the slot to film at 1 since Once again, this works out perfect. I am now able to shoot Sabrina and Josh back to back so that they can get leave, as they needed to pick their children up.

Sabrina finishes and I actually have some time for me to go. I do not get to give my testimony, but I do have an opportunity to answer the questions for the documentary. We are supposed to use short and concise sentences for some of the questions and single words in response to some of the other questions. Needless to say, I have some issues in this department. I tend to be verbose, that is to say I am challenged when it comes to short and concise.

As I am going through my questions, Randall shows up. I finish the questions for the documentary. Then Randall has an opportunity to give his testimony and  answer the documentary questions. We ended up going 35 minutes over and completed shooting at 2:35. By the time we packed, picked up some fast food at Burger King and got to worship practice we were 10 minutes late. One of the musicians was 20 minutes late and another was running 30 minutes late.

Due to this we were actually on time......ish! We ended up getting 2 people shot for the documentary that we are going to use, but I may have to go again when I give my testimony for the wall of recovery (wall of hope? unsure of a name for it). We also had 3 people give their testimonies for the wall of blank. I can see my first contest forming right now: What is the most popular name for the wall?

So in the end our first round of shooting a full group was successful, and we will be filming two more groups next month. I am excited to see this project coming to fruition and look forward to getting the message of recovery to the youth in our community and someday around the state, the country and eventually the world!!!