Long-Term Recovery: The Gratitude List

I used to have horrible mornings, and they would lead to incredibly horrible days. I would set my alarm clock for when I needed to wake up, but it was my daily pattern to hit snooze several times before getting out of bed. When I would finally get out of bed, I would be running late. That would lead to me throwing on clothes, leaving work with neither a prepared lunch nor breakfast. If I was lucky, I would grab a pop tart while I was headed out the door. If I didn’t have one of those, I would stop at McDonalds or just go without eating breakfast.

Generally, I had to go without because I didn’t have time to stop at a drive through and still be to work on time. I would speed through traffic, furious at the people in front of me going the speed limit because they had left themselves enough time to get to work early. How dare they not consider me and when I had to be to work! What were they thinking, following the speed limit? That thing is more of a suggestion, really! Then I would get to work hungry, mad about the inconsiderate drivers and stressed because I was almost late.

How many of you does this describe?

If you can relate to any of the above, I have a great idea for you. It is something that worked for me, and I believe it will work for you as well. It may seem too easy at first, but you will still find it hard to apply. It will involve developing a new pattern, which can be difficult. At least it was for me, at first. Now, I swear by it. Today, I can’t imagine starting my day any other way.

First step is to set your alarm clock for 30 minutes before you need to wake up. That is actually the easiest part. The hard part is getting up when your alarm clock goes off, without hitting snooze AT ALL! As soon as your alarm goes off, roll out of bed and head to the kitchen. Do not snooze, do not go back to bed go directly to the kitchen.

Once in the kitchen, I start coffee. On very rare occasions I will brew a cup of tea. I have a Keurig, so this is really easy. I have known some people who had a clock on their coffee makers who would set the coffee to begin brewing at the same time they set their alarm for in the bedroom. You don’t want it to be ready already, because you still have something to do.

Next I write out my gratitude list while the coffee brews. Then I relax and enjoy my coffee while I give thanks to my Higher Power for the things I am grateful for. I feel this is something that is sorely missing, especially in the  United States. Most people, when they pray, don’t do it to give thanks. The “Our Father Prayer” today would sound something like this, “Our Father, who art in heaven, give me give me give me give me. Amen.”

I choose to give thanks to God for all I have, and the things on my gratitude list give me several things to focus on for the morning. After spending 10-15 minutes doodling, meditating and praying I then get ready for work. By the time I get ready for work I am still ahead of schedule and have plenty of time to get to work. I don’t have to speed, I don’t have to get mad at the person in front of me “only” going the speed limit and when I get to work I am in a great mood and that leads to me having a great day way more often than I used to when I didn’t do a daily gratitude list.

 Enter the gratitude list. Some of you may be wondering what a gratitude list is, or may already be doing one and are just reading this to reaffirm what you are doing. I warn you, my gratitude list is a little different. It has morphed as I have done it through the years and become more than just words on a piece of paper that I threw into a box.

Generally, a gratitude list is simply a piece of paper you write on. You write anywhere from 3-10 things you are grateful for, trying to list different things every time you do it so that your list is not exactly the same, day in and day out. Many people do a gratitude list on a daily basis, generally in the morning to start their day off positive while others do it at the end of their day to help them compartmentalize and unwind. Most have a simple gratitude list that goes like this:

1.      Today I am grateful for my wife.

2.      Today I am grateful for clean drinking water.

3.      Today I am grateful for my car.

That would be great, if you were making a grocery list of things to pick up from the store. The gratitude list is extremely important, not just to start my day off on the right foot but at times to reread if I am feeling a little drained, moderately depressed or completely hopeless at some time over the course of the day. You need to embellish when making your gratitude list, a little or a lot. Own it and make it yours.

Your gratitude list should have genuine feelings so it can elicit a positive response either in the morning when you originally write it out or when you come back and look at it later. If you don’t add details and emotions, then the gratitude list is just one more obligatory thing to do you will check off your daily list. Don’t get me wrong, doing it that way is good. That said, I don’t want you to do good things and live a good life, I want you to do things great and live an amazing life. Supercharge your gratitude list! So how do I get more emotion into mine?

I have several techniques I like to use:

1.      Add details. Don’t just say you are grateful for something, list why you are grateful for it. Instead of saying “I am grateful for _________,” say why are grateful for that person. What do you love about that person? What do you love to do with that person? How does that person make your life better?   

2.      Scrapbook it. Add photographs, use words cut from a magazine, write in different colored inks, doodle.  Grateful for a movie or a band, glue a ticket stub on the page.

3.      Draw pictures. If you are grateful for something, draw a picture of it then write reasons you are grateful for it around the picture.

Bottom line; make your gratitude list yours! Use it to start your day off better and also as a constant reminder when life kicks your butt that you still have many things to be thankful and grateful for. I have used my gratitude list to drag me out of several funks before they got a chance to reach a full blown depressive episode.

I have a picture of one of my past pages, before I got a journal I  put them in, for you to look at. It is pretty obvious you don’t need to be an artist to do this. You don’t have to be a wordsmith. You need only be optimistic and honest about the things you are grateful to have in your life and wake up 30 minutes early to record them.  

This is something so simple yet so necessary that I don’t believe you can have an incredibly strong recovery without it. This is just one more of the reasons I can say that I will NEVER use again. Relapse does not scare me anymore. What scares me is not living life to its potential. If you are like me and constantly look for ways to improve the life you have, add a daily gratitude list. You need only record 3 things a day for 30 days and I guarantee you will have a better outlook on life than you had before you started doing it. 

The Sky is the Limit - My Story as related to Heroes in Recovery

My story was recently put on the Heroes in Recovery website. I would ask that you visit their website (www.heroesinrecovery.com) and check out everything that they are doing to break stigma and share the hope that there is a Better Life in Recovery. Here is the link to my story on their website: http://heroesinrecovery.com/stories/9206/

Here is what they printed:

Hi, my name is David and I am a person in long-term recovery. What that means for me is that I have not used drugs or alcohol since January 31, 2009 and because of that I have been able to accomplish things I never would have dreamed possible. I am a husband, father, sponsor, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, hope dealer and director of the nonprofit Better Life in Recovery (BLiR).

I was abused physically and sexually as a child. I used alcohol and other drugs to escape my past and deal with anger, depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder I was diagnosed with. I was introduced to methamphetamine my senior year, and partying ended up being more important than school so I dropped out of school.

After over 20 years of substance use, attempting suicide, dying more times than I can count on one hand and being to jail more times than I can count on my fingers and toes I thought nothing would ever change. Boy was I wrong.

I asked God for something different, and He answered that prayer. I have not used since I decided to focus on recovery instead of substance abuse. My focus shifted. I paid attention to my successes instead of my failures. I applied the five pillars of recovery: Higher Power, meetings, sponsor, accountability partners and the 12 steps. Then I added the missing piece, service to my community, and it has made all the difference.

Don’t get me wrong, my life has had ups and downs. At times, life kicks me in the butt and my world shakes. The difference is how I cope with that today. I work through my problems and conquer them instead of letting them beat me. Doing this has made me stronger and wiser! I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope!

Currently, I am a counselor for the Greene County, MO treatment courts through Preferred Family Healthcare. I went from high school drop out to having four college degrees. I married an amazing woman and we have an amazing family. I sit on multiple boards and planning committees that are focused on making the world a better place.

My passion is BLiR. Our mission is transforming lives with recovery. We deal hope and reduce stigma people who struggle with substance use and mental health issues face through community service, education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. In 2012 we did one event, in 2013 we did three events, in 2014 we did eight and we are aiming for over 50 events in 2015 with weekly fellowship events.

Today, I know the sky is the limit for people in long-term recovery. My goal is to educate people on the wonders of long-term recovery, give people who are still struggling hope they can achieve long-term recovery and people in recovery the courage to come forward and be proud of who they have become while rejoining and making their communities better!

No More Burning Bridges

A couple of people talked to me about the damage I am doing without realizing it. Sometimes I burned bridges and others times I simply put my foot in my mouth by speaking about things as candidly as I do that I am not an expert on. In fact, on occasion I speak on things that I have no idea about because my experiences have not given me the insight I need to talk on the subject. That in turn has made me sound ignorant, ill-informed and even offensive at times.

Due to this, I will try to keep my opinions centered on the things I know best. They are recovery, addiction, mental health issues, trauma, treatment,  parenting, weight struggles, my personal faith, positive ways to impact the communities we live in, stigma faced by people who struggle due to past addictions, mental health issues, trauma and criminality and how to overcome all of those things.

I need to do this for multiple reasons. We are filing the 501c3 paperwork for Better Life in Recovery and forming the board of directors next year. We are also planning to host 24 Better Life in Recovery events that will require many sponsors and volunteers. I need to build connections with the community, and tackling issues outside of my scope of expertise and passion is detrimental to me successfully attaining my immediate and future goals.  I need to stay focused, because  Better Life in Recovery has a lot of things coming up in the future. 

From now on, my blog Spiritual Spackle will contain blogs that address all of the areas I am passionate about. Better Life in Recovery is a new blog starting the first of the year. It will address stigma, stigma reduction, addiction, recovery, mental health issues and positive ways to impact the communities we live in as well as what I have learned through my personal recovery in 500 words or less. Sometime next year I will be starting a Better Life in Recovery podcast that will mimic what I address in the Better Life in Recovery blog

My posts on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter will follow this same plan, adding random things about my family and everything involving Chicago sporting events (other than the White Sox because they reduced the amount of Cubs games I see on WGN so they are dead to me). 

In making changes to what I speak about and adding more outreaches both on social networks and publicly, my hope is to continue making an impact on the communities I truly care about without alienating people along the way. I know the more people I turn off by speaking of things I have no knowledge of, the less impact I and by proxy Better Life in Recovery will have. If there are fewer  people listening, than the impact we have  on our communities is smaller and easier to ignore.

For those who had open and honest conversations with me, I appreciate your candor and hope I can use the feedback I received to have a far greater impact on the communities my heart leads me to reach out to. I want to unite people, not increase the divide that already exists between us. My goal is to afford Better Life in Recovery the opportunity to reach more people each and every day while becoming a force for the sharing of long-term recovery and the eradication of stigma.

In order to meet this endeavor, I will remain as extroverted and animated as I always have been. The difference will be a sharper focus, which will help both me and Better Life in Recovery get more things accomplished. Look forward to the upcoming year, hope you are able to join with us as we continue to share hope and reduce stigma while trumpeting a simple truth, THERE IS A BETTER LIFE IN RECOVERY!!

Putting Your Best Foot Forward in Recovery

What does putting your best foot forward mean?

It means you lead with your strongest selling point, your strengths. If I am applying for a job, that means my resume leads with my positives. If I am interviewing, I talk about my accomplishments. I steer the focus away from my deficits and towards my strengths. I also avoid buzz words that could leave a negative lasting impression on the person I am talking to.

Someone who does this well would be Donald Trump. Mr. Trump has filed bankruptcy 4 times. When he meets someone in the community, how do you think he refers to himself? “Hi, my name is Donald and I am a businessman who has filed bankruptcy 4 times.” Of course not, he refers to himself by his successes. When people think of him they think of his successful properties and TV show.

What does this have to do with recovery?

Everything!

“I’m David, and I’m a grateful recovering addict” is how I used to introduce myself. I stopped because it never felt right, and it did nothing to reduce the stigma the community leveraged against me which I felt personally. All the general public heard me say was ADDICT! They visualized a junkie and the conversation was over.

When I said recovering alcoholic, they heard recovering Alcoholic!! They picture me passed out in an alley snuggling a bottle of Ripple. To avoid this, I started introducing myself as, “David, and I’m in recovery.” I was fine with this for the last 5 years.

Recently I watched The Anonymous People. They talked about recovery language and it resonated with me. It reinforced how I felt and what I have been telling clients the past several years. They also added to it. You start with an introduction, add that you are in long-term recovery and define what long-term recovery means to you. Then you talk about an accomplishment from your recovery.

This is a great elevator speech, and allows you to answer any questions they might have and leave a lasting impression all at the same time. So in closing, I ask  you, which sounds better? Which leaves a better impression? Which of these introductions will you use?

1.      Hi, my name is David and I’m a grateful recovering addict and alcoholic.

2.      Hi, my name is David and I’m in recovery?

3.      Hi, my name is David and I’m in long-term recovery. What that means to me is that I have not used drugs or alcohol since January 31^st of 2009, and because of that I have been able to do start an organization called Better Life in Recovery whose mission is Transforming Lives with Recovery. If you have a minute I would love to talk to you about it.

For me, I rather enjoy the 3^rd one and will continue to use it. After all, I would rather put my best foot forward and lead with my positives!

Featured Write Up about Better Life in Recovery from Addiction Professional Magazine's November/December 2014 Issue by Gary Enos

In his role as an addiction counselor, David Stoecker figures he can have an impact on possibly around 100 people a year. As director of the community organization Better Life in Recovery (BLIR) in Springfield, Mo., Stoecker is looking to influence the lives and thoughts of thousands.

The community events that BLIR sponsors might seem modest when looked at in isolation, but Stoecker sees them as building local traditions and putting a public face on recovery. Maybe a river cleanup event will strengthen a recovering person's resolve to continue to give back in her daily life. Maybe seeing an elected leader throw out the first pitch before hundreds of recovering individuals at a ceremony preceding a minor-league baseball game will give a fan in the stands some pause to think about how substance abuse affects his world.

“The idea for BLIR started on a bike ride with my wife,” recalls Stoecker, 42. “I felt that I wasn't doing enough, but I wasn't sure what to do.”

He started the effort four years ago, around a year into his own recovery. “I was kind of letting things come to me at first,” he says. He knows exactly the moment when it became clear that he needed to turn up the intensity on his work in recovery advocacy: It happened when he read online comments posted by ordinary citizens reacting to the death of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.

“They disgusted me,” Stoecker says of the postings. “People were saying things like, 'See, these people never get better,' and 'Who cares? It's just another junkie.'”

 

Uncovering opportunities

Stoecker has recruited subcommittees to work on extending BLIR's mission, which its website describes as an effort “to deal hope and decimate stigma” surrounding addiction through educational and awareness events. The momentum for bringing on more assistance started when around three dozen local treatment and recovery leaders accepted his invitation to a meeting to discuss ways to change the language around addiction and recovery in Springfield. At that meeting he shared data about relapse, and his own resolve that the community could do better.

BLIR, which two years ago became a nonprofit organization, has been seeking closer partnerships with community entities such as the Springfield public schools. A group of people in recovery recently completed playground restoration work for the schools. Stoecker has even visited his 7-year-old's elementary school class, but he'd like the chance to speak before state legislators soon as well.

“We're reducing lengths of residential stay in Missouri,” he says. “We're going to create a revolving door and keep people mired in their addiction.”

Stoecker's wife is a videographer and has assisted in raising BLIR's visibility. Stoecker is also featured in a public service announcement that is frequently broadcast locally, and he is working on a documentary for which he is seeking grant funding, with the goal of being able to show the film in local schools. He says the organization that employs him as a counselor, Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, has strongly supported his efforts in the greater community.

“Community awareness and education, that's really my passion,” he says. “Fighting stigma head-on.”

Gave faith a chance

Stoecker, who grew up in Illinois, says he had started using substances by 7th grade. Moving to Missouri in part to escape the drug culture, he instead became introduced to methamphetamine and dropped out of high school during his senior year.

“I was in and out of jail,” he says. “I turned 21 in prison. I would end up getting my GED in prison.”
Stoecker experienced his own revolving door of treatment stays and life in the community, usually with little recovery support during periods at home. He had been abused during childhood and considered himself agnostic, but would later experience a shift toward the spiritual.

“I figured I had tried everything else, so I would give God a chance,” he says. “When I focused on recovery and faith, I never looked back.”

He attends 12-Step meetings at least once a week, usually gravitating to those that his counseling patients are unlikely to select.

Participation in BLIR events continues to grow, with 300 people involved in the ballpark event in Springfield in late August and 125 people running in a 5 and 10K event in town the following week. Stoecker is no longer willing to wait patiently for a community response to develop. “This all made me realize I couldn't sit back,” he says. “I had to be proactive.”

One Day (A Poem)

One day I saw a falling star
Remembered that I had a wish
To be with you til my dying day
While I'm away to be missed

For you to think of me while I'm gone
Missing me more every minute
Thinking how lonely life is
Without me there to be in it

Than I remembered dreams are for kids
I've never had one that came true
I shook my head wiped away a tear
Tried to sleep but thought only of you

This was my mindset when I was younger. I lamented the past and dreamed of what might have been. This poem was written about the girl I left behind. Her name was Britt. I lived in Illinois and realized that I was not good for her. She is a major reason I moved my senior year to Missouri. I was afraid that I would corrupt her. Moving broke my heart, so I wrote this poem.

I did not realize then that many years later she would have a beautiful family and so would I. Neither of us would have the families we have if things had not played out the way they did 25 years ago. I learned a lot from that. Today I live with no regrets from my past, no thoughts of what might have been because life has taught me a lesson that I would love to pass on to you.

Things don't always work out the way we want them to, but they always work out the way the are supposed to. Every time I look at my wife, my son and my daughter I thank God for that!

Healed People Heal People

I am sure you know the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.”  That saying means that when people are hurting, they tend to lash out and hurt others. It may be unintentional, like snapping on someone you love as soon as you get home after a long day of your boss jumping all over you like he was a 10 year old in a bounce house. It could be more intentional, you are getting abused at home by your dad so you go to school and bully kids weaker than you so that you can feel power.

If hurt people hurt people, then the opposite is true as well. Healed people heal people. Once I have overcome something, I have a unique insight into what I went through that most people don’t have. For example, I spent 25 years of my life in addiction. I have now been clean and sober for over 5 years. I know what it takes to get clean and stay that way. I can share what has helped me, what I have seen help others as well as the science that has validated some forms of treatment to be evidence-based practices.

I have several close friends, that have been diagnosed with cancer and after treatment are now either cancer-free or in remission. They have unique perspectives that I lack. One, they have been diagnosed with cancer. I have no idea what that feels like, to be diagnosed with cancer. I have never had cancer, so although I can have empathy and support someone who has cancer, my friends come from a place of wisdom that I don’t have. Second, that they have overcome that cancer through treatment. They are living proof that surviving a cancer diagnosis is not only possible, but a reality because they have first hand knowledge. They can help people that I cannot because of having lived through cancer.

Everybody has been through something. We all have been hurt in one way or another. It could be physical abuse, sexual abuse, feeling fat, being told we are worthless, being bullied, depression, cancer, child of an alcoholic/addict, grief and loss, etc. I am sure you get the idea, there are a lot of ways life hurts us. Life puts holes in our souls.

Once those holes are placed, many of us use something to escape, numb or forget the hole is there. Food, sex, money, cutting, power, alcohol and other drugs are a few of the things we use as band-aids to numb/escape our past. These bandages don’t heal the problem, they just cover them up. They are still festering underneath and more issues are being added to it.  

Fortunately, some of us figured out how to stop covering the problem up. We have learned what it takes to fix the problem. Once we have learned how to deal with the holes instead of running from them, we have unique wisdom that only someone who has gone through what we have gone through has. Once we have that wisdom, we can impart it to others. That is all part of what I call my garbage theory, which you can read about here:http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/10/why-mehow-can-i-make-peace-with-my-past_25.html

Many people live with regrets about their past choices and things that have happened to them. I have learned to embrace mine. I am not defined by them, but instead I define myself by my recovery. I realize that all those events led me to be the person I am today. The person I am today helps people, and if it was not for everything I have been through, I would not be as effective in doing that.

The same is true for you. Everyone has survived or lived through something that had an impact on them. Never forget that the past has made you who you are, and the person you are today is awesome and will only get better with time. To quote a dead jazz singer, “My God don’t make no junk.” You are not junk, and there is no reason to let your past issues define you. My past did not defeat me, instead it made me stronger and wiser than I ever would have been without it. The same is true for you!  

Why I'll Never Use Again

I spent a majority of my life transitioning from one phase to the next in my spiritual walk. I have run the gamut from Jehovah’s Witness to atheist and back to a follower of Christ over the course of my life. I now know I will spend the rest of my life growing spiritually and never truly reaching the apex of my spiritual walk. I am perfectly okay with that. It is all about progress, not perfection.

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents went to church three times a week, and I went with them. Then I was molested by someone from my church, watched my father as his alcoholism progressed and witnessed my mother and father screaming at each other on the way to church then get out with fake smiles on their faces once we got there acting like we were the perfect family. By the time my mother left my dad and sent us to live with her father, I was lost and confused. My grandfather was an atheist, and he was also the most evil and abusive person I have ever met. My family leeched my hope and trust in anything from me.

I knew that I wanted to be nothing like any of them, so I became agnostic. There might or might not be something there, I was unsure. This is basically the flip flop option of spirituality. I refuse to commit to one side or the other, instead I balance on the fence with a precipice on either side I am unwilling to jump in to. Over time, I did commit to one side. I leaped headfirst into the atheist side. I could belittle others for their beliefs in that fairy tale they called religion. I felt that this side made me smarter, and if nothing I did really mattered that I could continue to live the life I wanted to.  After all, everything was random.

As an addict, I lacked concern for anything other than my next high or drunk. Anything that hindered that was my enemy. As an atheist, i lacked accountability. Those two combined for a perfect storm of problems for other people. 

I could manufacture and sell methamphetamine without really caring about its' impact on other people. I could seriously hurt people over tiny amounts of money (or for no reason at all) and not worry about any spiritual repercussions. I could steal from anyone, sleep with whoever I wanted to and leave them immediately after with no concerns other than legal ramifications.

Life was easy and uncomplicated. Unless the police caught me, I would never be held responsible for the things that I did. Even if they caught me, I would still never have to answer for EVERYTHING that I had done to people either intentionally or as collateral damage. My life was all about me.

I was a narcissistic hedonist. As long as I felt pleasure, it had to be right. After all, if this life was all there is, why should I not enjoy it? If it hurt someone else, that was not my fault. The law of the jungle applies, and only the strong survive. If you were weaker than me or had some kind of issue or instability, I could care less about you.

EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY! Life was too short not to live it up. I grabbed onto the James Dean mantra, live life fast and leave a good looking corpse. Carpe Diem, seize the day. After all, I could be dead tomorrow. As my addiction progressed, that changed. In my depression, I began to wish I could die. Hopelessness grew. I attempted suicide, and would have been successful if my sister and had not found me unconscious in a pool of blood. I would use to the point of overdose. I would drink and drive. I have played Russian Roulette multiple times; just me, a revolver and a single bullet. I had promised my sister I would not commit suicide and I justified Russian Roulette because it was chance.

Then I reached a point of no return, a true rock bottom that I have talked about in several other blogs. After trying jail, house arrest, probation, prison, parole, inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, 12 step programs, sponsors, medication and abstinence I did not know what else to do. When I reached the bottom of my barrel, I tried something I had long before given up on, God. I prayed, and struck a deal with God that I immediately tried to renege on the next day. But I couldn’t and I didn’t. It stuck.

I know that not everyone has the same results that I did. I prayed one day and made a deal with God. He upheld his end and I have tried to uphold mine. I have not drank, used drugs, smoked cigarettes, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight outside of a ring since that prayer. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know that I don’t have to use today.

Over time I have removed using tomorrow from the table as well. I now that I have another relapse in me. We all do. I also know that I am unsure if, in fact quite certain that I don’t, have another recovery left in the tank. I am pretty positive that the next time I use will kill me. The only relapse I have had was for 7 years and I overdosed 3 times. I have died more times than I can count on one hand and I am pretty sure I am not a cat, so I could quite possibly be out of second (or 7th) chances. 

Today I have too much to live for. I have a wife, 2 beautiful children and an amazing life. Plus, I know the damage my addiction caused and I take responsibility for that. Because of me and my drugs, lives were lost. I don’t want to ever be a part of that process again. I am here to deal hope, not steal it. I am here to save lives, not take them. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope and I will never go back to the way I used to be because I love the person I have become!

I see the damage that I caused in the lives of others. I was like a tornado and I left a trail of chaos and carnage in my wake.  I see the anger that I began to possess and spew while I was an atheist. I have found that neither of those choices are good for me. They are both colors that I should leave out of my wardrobe because they are unflattering. I am not saying that all addicts and atheists are the same way, but I was. I cannot be a hope dealer while I am bitter, angry and hopeless. I cannot help others when I am not even able to help myself. I had to change. I found the 5 Pillars of Recovery worked for me, as did following the platinum rule.

The 5 Pillars of Recovery

1.       Higher Power – I found Jesus. Okay, not really. It was not that Jesus was lost, I was. I gave God a chance. I turned my will and my life over to God and things have just been better. I have had experiences in my life that have convinced me that God is real! I would say my sobriety and lifestyle are living proof that God exists!!

2.       Game Plan – I use both the Bible and the 12 steps to carve out a better life for myself.

3.       Meetings – I won’t lie, I attend a lot of them on occasion. Every week I attend my Celebrate Recovery home group and attend a small group. I am also known to go to AA and NA meetings as well. Find what works best for you and then go, consistently and regularly.

4.       Sponsor/Mentor - If you want to be able to apply the 12 steps and/or the Bible to your lives and achieve the best outcome, find someone you would like to be at the level of in 5 years. Ask them to teach you how they got there, and then apply what you learn.

5.       Accountability Partners – Meet with someone consistently who you give permission to call you out on things. They can help support you and you can help support them.

Platinum rule – Treat others the way you would want them to treat the person you care about the most. That means you treat people like you would want them to treat your mom, dad, son, daughter, brother, sister, husband, wife, best friend, etc. If you would not want someone to do something to someone you love and care about, than don’t do it to someone else.

Add the 5 Pillars and the platinum rule to your life, and don’t stop using them. This is not a temporary change, this is a life long lifestyle change! The reason I don’t go back to using drug/alcohol/sex/cigarettes/violence, etc is that I have made my recovery a priority. I do recovery oriented things on a daily basis, multiple times each day. You do not get good at anything by not doing it. Practice makes you good, and once you get good at something only practice keeps you doing it well. I will never settle for good. I want great, so I practice the 5 Pillars and apply the platinum rule to all that I do. Finally, I have found one more additive that has made my recovery strong.

Community service is the missing link in many a program. It is not absolutely necessary for recovery, but it will make your recovery that much stronger and enjoyable. It is the icing on the cake. Community service says, “I used to destroy resources, now I am one!” This leads to more self-confidence, self-respect and self-worth. It makes the foundation of your recovery that much stronger!

Finally, spread the message of hope and strength found in recovery with anyone and everyone you come into contact with! I call myself a hope dealer, and you can be one too. Recovery is amazing, and so are you. Recovery is not only a possibility, it is a guarantee if you apply the 5 Pillars and work them. Let people know it! Together we will transform lives by sharing recovery and chip away at the stigma surrounding addiction and recovery until it is gone!

My Favorite Recovery Quotes and Meaning to Me

1.       Drugs gave me wings then they took my sky away At first drugs are amazing and gave me this rush of excitement and clarity, they made me more social and I felt like I fit in. Over time, I began to distrust everyone and I constantly chased the greatest high. Eventually, I got to the point I used just to feel less bad, because I always felt horrible and I was constantly paranoid of everyone and everything.

2.       It is called alcohol-ism not alcohol-wasm This is not a disease that will go away. I am an addict and an alcoholic for the rest of my life. As Verbal Kent says in the movie The Usual Suspects, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” The same is true of my addiction.

3.       I was the black sheep of my family until I came to NA and found the rest of my flock I never felt like I fit in to my family, I was an embarrassment. I was the one who was in and out of jail and went to prison. I was the one with all of the mental health problems. I was the one with the addiction issues. I was the one who could never be counted on. When I started going to recovery meetings I found others who had been the black sheep in their family, and they had gotten better.

4.       Give us 90 meetings in 90 days and if at the end of that you are not fully satisfied we will gladly refund your misery It is not that 90 days is a magic number, nor is 90 meetings the magical amount. Instead, going to at least one meeting every day for three months give us structure and consistency in our life and allows for us to meet a lot of people in recovery and begin to make friends with positive, sober people

5.       Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results Also defined as doing the same thing over and over again, knowing the outcome yet doing it anyway. They both mean the same thing, that as addicts we will tell ourselves lies to continue our addiction, such as I can drink just one beer or I won’t get arrested this time if I use.

6.       I may not always know God’s will but I will always know what God’s will is not I do not know for a fact what the plans for my life are, what my successes will be or how I will accomplish them. I do, how ever, know the quickest ways to derail my future and make sure that I don’t succeed in life. I may not know for a fact what God has called me to do but I can reason out with pretty good certainty what He does not want me doing.

7.       If you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got also said as, “If you want to change who you are change what you do.”  If I continue to make the same choices, go to the same places and hang out with the same people I will always have the same outcome. Basically, if I am unhappy with the outcome in my life I need to change all of the inputs.

8.       I used to be a hopeless dope fiend now I am a dopeless hope fiend I changed this one to “I went from dealing dope to dealing hope. There was a time that I had no hope and my entire life was focused on getting and staying high. Today, I no longer do drugs and my entire life is focused on sharing the hope of a better life in recovery with everyone I come into contact with.

9.       People who judge don’t matter and people who matter don’t judge This is a way for me to see that if people are not able to see me for who I am today and not who I used to be in my addiction, I don’t need them in my life. This does not mean that what other people think is unimportant. If I offend others and they have good reason to feel that offense it is on me to adjust my behavior and/or attitude. I need to realize that other people’s feelings are valid, otherwise I will fall back into my old addictive narcissism and the general lack of respect for everyone but me I had in my old criminal lifestyle.

10.   Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die When I have a resentment against anyone, it is never them that it hurts.  They may have forgotten about it, or have forgiven me or simply no longer care. The only person it really impacts is me. I cannot make a better past for myself, but I can make a less stressful present and future by learning to let go of things instead of holding on to them. Keeping that resentment alive creates a chance for relapse in my future.

11.   The world record is 24 hoursSome people get caught up in the amount of time that someone else has and they put them or a pedestal, or even worse they get overconfident because of the amount of clean time that they have. Both of these can and will lead to relapse. The truth is, I cannot stay sober on the work I did yesterday, so I need to focus on the things I can do today for if I don’t I will not stay sober.

12.   Don’t quit before the miracle happens We forget that we did not get addicted overnight, so we will not get into recovery that way. Time takes time, and we need to be patient because if we give up we will never attain recovery. Sometimes we forget that, because we are addicts and we want what we want and we want it now. Life doesn’t happen that way very often, and neither does recovery but it will as long as we don’t give up and keep doing the next right thing. 

13.   I can’t, God can so let Him This is an eloquent way to put the first 3 steps. We found in our addiction that we were powerless and could not control everything in our lives so it is time to turn it over to someone who can. I have also heard the 1^st 3 steps translated as, “There is a power that wants to kill me and a power that wants me to live. Which do I want to do? (if you want to die you can stop here, other wise keep working the steps)

14.   I looked to a drug for courage and it made me a coward We may take a drug or drink to give us courage to deal with something that we feel we could not deal with on our own. Eventually we discover that if we stay messed  up we can stay numb and emotionally unavailable so we let drugs take our life over. In time, we use them to avoid anything and everything, which is a sign of cowardice and fear.

15.   You are either working on recovery or working on a relapse Another way to say this is, “If you are not working on the solution you are working on the problem” as well as, “You are either part of the problem or part of the solution.” There is no gray area in recovery, you are either putting it first in your life so that you can stay ahead of your addiction or you are slacking and eventually your addiction will become stronger than your desire to stay sober.

16.   My mind is a scary place to be all by myself This is also said as, “Your best thinking got you here.” It means that we struggle as addicts with a condition that Mark Lundholm calls, “First thought wrong” and I say is more like first five thoughts wrong. I need to surround myself with positive sober people and be willing to listen to their feedback and apply it to my life because my thinking patterns are faulty when I first get into sobriety.

17.   I wouldn’t trade my worst day sober for my best day high also shared as, “I may not be where I want to be but thank God I’m not where I was.” The truth of this one is that over time we no longer use to feel good, instead we use to feel less bad. This is because of a severe depletion of various neurotransmitters in our brain and using being the only way to obtain them. Add to that the hopelessness of addiction and we find ourselves getting stuck in a rut. The reality of my addiction was that no matter how great today was I would still be running from my feelings, trying to escape life and being overly paranoid tomorrow. In my recovery I know that no matter how bad things are going today they will be better in the future.

18.   Being humble doesn’t mean we think less of ourselves, it means we think of ourselves less This simply means that when I am humble I do not think that I am less than anyone or everyone else. Being humble just means that I have learned to put the needs of others before the wants I have.  This  has also been said as pride is who is right while humility is what is right.

19.   Give all your problems to God. He’ll be up all night anyway We tend to hold onto things that we can do nothing about, beating ourselves up over our past and stressing ourselves out over our future when what we really need to do is focus on today because that is where change happens. To give us more energy physically, emotionally and psychologically we need to learn to let things go and there is no one better to turn those things over to than God. After all, He knows all about it anyway.

20.   The good news is your feelings come back. The bad news is your feelings come back When we get clean and sober our feelings start to come back, which is amazing. I can feel genuine happiness, love, compassion and joy. Those feelings are amazing. But if I can feel again, that also means that I now have to deal with grief, loss, depression and heart ache. On one hand, yeah!!!! On the other hand………….Boo!

21.   I’m allergic to drugs and alcohol. Every time I use I break out in handcuffs and felony chargesPretty self-explanatory, if I get into trouble when I use that sets a pattern that I should not continue if I no longer want to get into trouble. Much like an allergy, if I have a bad reaction to eating something I generally avoid it so I should do the same with drugs and alcohol because I have already experienced the outcome of using them.

22.   People may not always believe what I say but they will always believe what I do Simply stated, actions speak louder than words. To the people who matter the most to us, our word has probably lost all meaning. We have burned bridges by continuously lying, stealing, cheating and manipulating people. They are no longer going to believe what we have to say, so instead we have to show them that we are telling the truth through our actions and choices over time.

23.   I stopped counting the days and started making the days countIn the end, who cares how much clean time you have? I have seen people with 6 months making a bigger impact on the recovery community than people with 20 years. It is not about who has the most, but instead what you do with it. I would rather focus on what I can do to make myself and the people around me stronger and wiser than get caught up in the amount of clean time I have. Clean time will not keep you clean.

24.   It is not what I know that keeps me sober, it is what I do that keeps me sober We hear people spout the Big Book, quoting it by page and then reeling off one of the steps telling someone else what to do and we begin to think that person has it together. That can lead us to stumble. I have heard a drunk at a bar quoting the Big Book to the person drinking next to him. Knowing and doing are two completely different things. Never forget that. See #22

25.   What happened in the past is over. You can’t unscramble scrambled eggs This is also quoted as once you are a pickle, you can never be a cucumber again. They both mean the same thing, you cannot change the past. In fact, getting stuck on the past often leads to relapse and it always takes our focus off of today. The truth is, I thank God every day for prison, the physical and sexual abuse I experienced as a youth as well as my addiction. They all made the person I am today, and that person is a Hope Dealer. If not for all of the things that I have encountered, I would not have the strength and wisdom that I do today. Make amends, give the rest to God and move on. Never forget: You are exactly where you need to be!

Scriptures of Recovery: 1 Timothy 1:15-16: Jesus Saves Sinners

1 Timothy 1:15-16, "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in Him and receive eternal life."

When I first came into church, I knew that I was different. I was in a room full of people and I knew they were not like me. They had not been abused like me as a child. They had not done drugs like me, drank like me, sold drugs like me, struggled with depression like me, gone to prison like me, etc. I felt completely out of place and knew that I was being judged by them. I was extremely nervous and uncomforable at first. Then some things happened to change that. This passage is one of those things.

Paul tells us that this passage should be taken at face value. It is not only “trustworthy” but also deserves “full acceptance.” He is giving a double guarantee that what he is saying is true, and what he is saying is huge! He is saying that Christ came into the world to save sinners, not to condemn or look down on them. This is echoed in several other scriptures from Jesus Himself:

Luke 5:32, “I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”

Mark 2:17, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Matthew 9:13, “For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

"So He has only come for the sinners and not those who haven't sinned'" was my first thought. Then I remembered Romans 3:23, which says, “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” To support that Romans 3:10 says, “There is no one righteous, not even one.”  So Christ came to save all of mankind, for we are all born into sin. The righteous and healthy Jesus talked about were the Pharisees and others like them who falsely believe themselves to be without sin. 

When Paul talked to Timothy he wanted to remind him that although Christ came to save sinners, there was no one that was not redeemable. Even someone like himself, who had hunted down and persecuted Christians, was still able to be saved. That is why Paul says “of whom I am the worst,” so that no one would lose faith in their ability to receive grace.

Paul said that although he deserved death, Christ’s grace covered him just as it did everyone else. He was sending a message to have faith and confidence in salvation, for if he could be pardoned so could anyone and everyone else.  In fact, this is evidenced over and over again in the Bible. After all, it is not just Paul that sinned:

1.  David was an adulterer and conspired to murder a man whose wife he had slept with and gotten pregnant.
2. Peter had anger management AND denial issues, chopping off an ear and then denying he knew Christ 3 times.
3. Jonah ran from God when he deemed what God had commanded him to do was too hard.
4. Thomas doubted that Christ had been resurrected.
5. Rahab was a prostitute.

I saw this quoted on Facebook, “God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called!” That is the absolute truth. God calls us, the Holy Spirit guides us and Jesus Christ redeems us. That is good news, and that news is made extremely evident in 1 Timothy 1:15-16.

That is why I love this passage. It helped me realize that not only could I feel comfortable inside of a church, but that I was called to be there by Christ Himself. When I am at a recovery meeting, I know that I have earned my seat there. I belong there. There is not a closed meeting the world over I could not sit in. These two verses let me feel that way about church as well. I am part of the body of Christ. There is a seat inside of the church just for me. There is a seat just for you!  I am saved by grace and promised eternal life and so are you. That is great news!  

Happy 2nd Birthday Spiritual Spackle

The first Spiritual Spackle blog was published on May 10th, 2011. It was created to be a forum to share my thoughts and feelings on recovery, various addictions (food, drugs, alcohol, anger), living with mental illness, surviving child hood abuse, parenting, faith, apologetics and various other things to either inspire or make people think while sharing hope and faith with them. It has been a lot of fun so far.

Spiritual Spackle has my soapbox and my classroom to write about the things that read, thought, felt and seen. Based on comments and feedback some people have received hope while others have been reminded of things they need to work on. Some have gotten a dose of happiness from what they have read while others have gotten angry. People have called to thank me and others let me know they did not appreciate what I had to say. All of this is said to acknowledge one thing; people are reading the blog.

Who knew that people would actually be interested in what was written here? Spiritual Spackle is now featured regularly on the Poached Egg (www.thepoachedegg.net) as well the Global University blog called 360 Harvest. Spiritual Spackle has been blessed with a forum that has allowed the sharing of opinions, thoughts, ideas and sometimes frustrations with all who care to read them.

Read them people have. The first year there were over 11,000 hits on Spiritual Spackle. That number was doubled in the second year, with 22,000 hits for a total of over 33,000 hits in 2 years. Small in comparison to many blogs, but refreshing because of the hope, recovery and faith that has been shared. Listed below are  the top 10 blogs of all time (number 2 and 7 are not written by me):

1. 2012: The Year in Review
2. 45 Seconds: Memoirs of an ER Doctor from May 22, 2...
3. What is A Moral Failure
4. Celebrate Recovery Lesson 2 - POWERLESS
5. Stinking Thinking Part 1: Would You Stick Your Han...
6. Holman QuickSource Guide to Christian Apologetics ...
7. Does God Really Love You Unconditionally?
8. From Shack to Temple 2013 - No More Cheating!!
9. Joplin tornado and psychological first aid
10. Celebrate Recovery Testimony 01/19/2012

Spiritual Spackle has had the fortune of being read in multiple countries. I would have figured that Spiritual Spackle would have been read in the United States and maybe several other primarily English speaking countries. I forgot that when you put things on the web they have a very global reach. The first year Spiritual Spackle was read in 84 countries. This year there were an additional 22 countries that were reached for a 2 year total of 106 countries. Here is the complete list off all 106 countries http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/06/countries.html Below are the top 10 countries that have viewed Spiritual Spackle in the first two years:

1. United States
2. Russia
3. Germany
4. France
5. United Kingdom
6. China
7. Canada
8. Brazil
9. Turkey
10. Australia

So in closing, thank you very much for following me on my journey of recovery as I continue to grow in my personal, spiritual, physical and emotional life. If you ever have any questions you want answered/addressed, suggestions for me on my style of writing or feedback please get in touch with me. Thanks again, and I look forward to the coming year!