BLiR VLog 08/12/2012 - 08/18/2012

08/12 Forgiveness and Resentments

08/13 Rambling About My New Daughter

What If God Answered Your Prayer (This is borrowed and humorous but true)

The Lord's Prayer (God's voice is Highlighted)

Our Father Who Art In Heaven .
Yes?
Don't interrupt me . I'm praying .
But -- you called  - ME!
Called you?
No, I didn't call you .
I'm praying . 

Our Father who art in Heaven .
There -- you did it again!
Did what?
Called ME .
You said,
"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am . . . . What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it .
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day .
I always say the Lord's Prayer .
It makes me feel good,
kind of like fulfilling a duty .
Well, all right .
Go on . 

Okay, Hallowed be thy name .
Hold it right there . What do you mean by that?
By what?
By "Hallowed be thy name"? 
It means, it means . . good grief,   
I don't know what it means .
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer .
By the way, what does it mean? 
It means honored, holy, wonderful .
Hey, that makes sense . .   
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before .
Thanks . 

Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven .
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess . 
I just think it would be kind of neat if you got   
control, of everything down here like you have up   
there .   We're kinda in a mess down here you know .
Yes, I know; but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church .
That isn't what I asked you .
What about your bad temper?
You've really got a problem there, you know .
And then there's the way you spend 
your money -- all on yourself . And what about the kind of books you read ?
Now hold on just a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest 
of those People at church! 
Excuse ME . .
I thought you were praying
for my will to be done .
If that is to happen,
it will have to start with the ones
who are praying for it . Like you -- for example .
Oh, all right . I guess I do have some hang-ups . 
Now that you mention it,
I could probably name some others .
So could I .
I haven't thought about it very much until now, 
but I really would like to cut out some of those things .
I would like to, you know, be really free .
Good .
Now we're getting somewhere . 
We'll work together -- You and  ME .  I'm proud of You .
Look, Lord, if you don't mind,
I need to finish up here .
This is taking a lot longer than it usually does . 

Give us this day, our daily bread .
You need to cut out the bread . . You're overweight as it is .
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty,
and all of a sudden you break in
and remind me of all my hang-ups .
Praying is a dangerous thing .
You just might get what you ask for .
Remember, you called ME -- and here I am .
It's too late to stop now .
Keep praying .   ( pause . . . ) Well, go on .
I'm scared to .
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say .
Try ME . 

Forgive us our sins, 
as we forgive those who sin against us . 
What about Ann?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories .
She never paid back the money she owes me .
I've sworn to get even with her!
But  -- your prayer --What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it . .
Well, at least you're honest .
But, it's quite a load carrying around all that  bitterness and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her .
Boy, have I got some plans for her .
She'll wish she had never been born .
No, you won't feel any better .
You'll feel worse .
Revenge isn't sweet .
You know how unhappy you are -- Well, I can change that .
You can? How?
Forgive Ann .
Then, I'l l forgive you;
And the hate and the sin,
will be Ann's problem -- not yours .
You will have settled the problem as far as you are concerned .
Oh, you know, you're right .
You always are .
And more than I want revenge,
I want to be right with You . . (sigh) .
All right, all right . .
I forgive her .
How do you feel?
Hmmmm . Well, not bad .
Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight .
I haven't been getting much rest, you know .
Yeah, I know .
But, you're not through with your prayer, are you?  Go on . . . .
Oh, all right . 

And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil .
Good! Good! I'll do that .
Just don't put yourself in a place where you can be tempted .
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean .
Yeah . I know .
Okay .
Go ahead . . . Finish your prayer . 

For Thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory forever .
Amen .
Do you know what would bring me glory --  What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know .
I want to please you now . .
I've really made a mess of things . .
I want to truly follow you . . .
I can see now how great that would be .
So, tell me . . .
How do I make you happy?
YOU  just did . 

Could Jesus Find a Disciple part 3 Following Christ in the Modern Era (Loving God)

Matthew 22: 37-40 states that when Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”


Today we are going to look at what it means to love God as we are commanded to. Tomorrow we will look at what it means to love your neighbor as yourself. These are two hard to explain and even harder to complete concepts, if we make them that way. They are actually pretty simple to break down if we use the Bible as a guide (which is what we will do today and tomorrow). Furthermore, they are not as difficult to accomplish as we would believe. Instead, they are only as difficult to accomplish as we make them.  

What does it mean to love God with all that you have and all that you are? Let us first look at what love does not look like. Phillip Yancey in his book What's so Amazing About Grace uses a newlywed to explain our relationship with God, and it is one of the most powerful and easy to understand examples that I know of.

Imagine a groom talking to his new bride the night of their wedding, "Honey, I love you so much. You mean the world to me and are of the upmost importance to me. But, I have a couple of questions for you. Now that we are married, how far can I go with other women? Can I sleep with them? Kiss them? How about flirt with them, or just stare at them as they walk by? What if I spend the week with other women, as long as I am with you on the weekends? You don't mind a few affairs now and then, do you? I know that it might hurt you, but just think of all the opportunities you'll have to forgive me after I betray you!"

Do you think the groom that just spoke has the slightest concept of what love is? Of course not, yet many of us as soon as we get into a relationship with God begin looking for loopholes. We begin to wonder just what we can get away with. We ask ourselves how little we can get by with doing. Or we tell ourselves that since God's grace is so all-encompassing, we can just go on sinning and it is not a big deal. All of that is what love is not.

A true relationship, on the other hand, is completely different. You do not do things not out of fear of getting caught, but because you feel remorse as soon as you do them (or even think about doing them). The question you ask yourself is not, "What will make me the happiest and please me," but is instead, "What can I do that will make God happy and please Him?" When how you live your life is an expression of how much you love someone, that is a strong relationship. When you please them not because you feel that you "have" to, but because you want to is the type of love we are talking about here. The reason I do not cheat on my wife is not because I am afraid that she might find out. The reason that I do not cheat on my wife is because I love her and I cannot imagine hurting or betraying her in any way!

God has gone above and beyond loving us. God has blessed us with grace, and that grace is something that we should be grateful and appreciative of. I can act however I want now that I have been reborn, because how I want to behave is to please Christ. I am unworthy of the forgiveness and grace that I have been offered. I was a filthy vessel, yet the Holy Spirit filled me. I can never say thank you enough!

I can, however, show that I do not appreciate what I have been given. I show my appreciation through expressing my love for God.  Not living my life to please God, or finding excuses to do what I know is wrong is how I show I don't appreciate God's grace. If I do not act as if I appreciate God's grace it is a good guess that I am not in relationship with Him. Love on the other hand is expressed by gratitude, and my attitude of gratitude is shown by how I live my life.

My life is lived well when I know that I need God. Only when I can admit my flaws and ask forgiveness for my sins can I receive grace. Grace is a gift, and you cannot obtain a gift that you do not receive. I cannot be forgiven if I feel I have nothing to forgive. I will continue to sin, and denial of that will result in my not receiving grace. That said, intentional sin is not how we follow the way Christ expressed we should live. You do not cheat on your wife to show how much you love her. When you do make mistakes in relationship, you should let the person you are in relationship know. They cannot forgive what is not brought to them.

God always has His arms extended, but sometimes we choose to turn away. We choose to not show our love for God. God's love gives us grace, but our loving God is how we receive grace. The only way that we can receive grace is through repentance of our sins! Loving God with your whole heart, soul and mind is what inspires us to repent of our sins and to live our lives better.

The Bible tells us what love is in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Love never fails is one of the strongest statements in the Bible. It is also the end result of our following what Jesus told us to do. WE WILL NOT FAIL!!! Today we examined how to show God we love Him, and tomorrow we will discuss how to love your fellow man in the blog entitled: Could Jesus Find a Disciple part 4 Following Christ in the Modern Era

The difference between sobriety and recovery

I went on a cruise two weeks ago. While I was in the Honduras I went parasailing, and there were two women that went with me that reminded me of how different sobriety and recovery are. The two friends were talking about parasailing, and one of them said that she was scared to death. When asked why she was scared by the guy driving the boat, she told him that she could not swim. "Thats okay," he said, "you will be 800 feet in the air. You have to be in the water to drown." This did not reassure her at all. 


Her friend was the first one to go, and she went screaming and came back laughing. She started off scared, but in the end loved it. She told us how much she had enjoyed the ride, how peaceful it was and that the view was breathtakingly beautiful. Then her friend went. As she was whisked off the back of the boat, she was screaming bloody murder, "I changed my mind!" When she came back, she was in tears and angrily talked about how horrible it was and that she hated it. When asked how she liked the view, she admitted that she did not even open her eyes. 

This was the exact same experience through the lens of two different people, who felt differently about what they did. It is a lot like working through addiction and being either in the sobriety phase or the recovery stage. It is the same experience through two different lenses. Not to say that sobriety is not necessary for recovery to occur, but you have only touched the tip of the iceberg when you are sober. Read on, and we will get into that more as you go.

At one point I had been sober for several years, but I never stepped into recovery. Like the example above, sobriety is not easy. It is generally the hardest thing to do. Sobriety is the work, recovery is the enjoyment. You can have sobriety without recovery, but you cannot have recovery without sobriety. It is vital to have sobriety in order to move onto recovery. But like the first chapter of a great book, without the other chapters the first one is incomplete and disappointing.

Recovery is crucial if you want to stay sober for the rest of your life. Sobriety is not all that it is cracked up to be. I know that we feel that it should be enjoyable, but not drinking (or drugging or overeating or sleeping around or giving into rage or fixing everybody but yourself) is really just the beginning. It is a step in the right direction, but just that. A step! There is no magic that occurs, in my humblest of opinions. It does not guarantee a happy life to you. In fact, it can be just the opposite.

What we think should be the apex of our life can actually be the nadir. I thought that things would be all better after I got clean. I found it was really the reverse. Before when I felt low self-esteem, depression, anger, hurt or self-loathing, I could use and would feel all better. It would assuage my pain. Without the drugs, I now had to feel the pain with no buffer. There was no escape. What could I do?

I could have done a lot of things, but this is what I did. I began to revel in my character defects. I began smoking more cigarettes, having more sex, getting into more verbal and physical fights.  I began to find ways to look down on others. If they were not working their program “my way” I would belittle them at meetings. And thanks to principles before personalities that worked out well. So did my “13^th step” that I so often employed. I was now using others instead of my drug to make me feel better.

I did my 90 in 90 (more like 150 in 90) and I thought that I was doing good. If only attending meant better. You got to do more than show up. Like the pastor says, "Sitting in church no more makes you a Christian than my standing in my garage makes me a car." The same is true about meetings, just being there and not working what you learn outside of the meetings is worthless. But that was not me! I even worked the steps with a sponsor and told him what I knew he wanted to hear. I thought that I was in control as I counted the years. I eventually began drinking, but I could excuse that because it was not a drug. I was great at lying to myself and those around me. I portrayed happy and content, confident and strong. It was all a lie.

I could never find true happiness. I was miserable! I saw myself as an addict and a convict every time that I looked into the mirror. When I became an alcoholic, it should not have been a surprise to me. I tried to, as the Bible put it in Matthew 9, put new wine in an old wine skin. I tried to put on a new mind set but kept the old behaviors. That is a recipe for disaster. The new mind set was completely wasted as it spilled out onto the ground.

Eventually I reached the realization that I was back where I had started. I had taken a new route with a different vehicle, and I had arrived at the same destination as before. The worst part was that this time I could find nothing to blame it on. I had money, people I considered friends, a career I liked not a job I hated, a beautiful son, coworkers who cared, a boss that let me know I was appreciated, even the respect of people who never would have talked to me when I was an addict. All of that was simply not enough. I was still miserable. I began to realize that the fault was all mine. That was the beginning of my reaching the lowest point of my life. Then the jump to recovery happened, and I became happy almost overnight.

Recovery came to me for several reasons, but the most important reason is this. When I was an Agnostic and I woke up in the morning, I knew that this was AS GOOD AS IT GETS. I had nothing to look forward to. My life still consisted of terribly disappointing days followed by drunken nights. If I did not drink, I would get into my depression and isolate and feel miserable. If I did drink, I would get out of my depression while being around people and not feel miserable until the next morning. BUT…….I was always miserable in the end.

After I got saved, my entire outlook changed. I finally realized that I was forgiven. I could never forgive me before because I felt unforgivable. That is the smallest part of it though. The biggest thing for me follows. I did not believe in life after death. I believed that we returned to dust, and that would be the end. I would one day die, and this sinful, hateful world would be all that I would know. When I got saved I realized that even if this life where to be completely miserable for the next 30 years, after I died if I kept my faith and walked the narrow path that I would live an eternity in bliss. That was overwhelming, and it was enough to cheer me up........finally, I could smile and it was not fake!

This is when I finally realized what recovery is. Sobriety was simply me not drinking or drugging. I could still suck at every other aspect of life, still revel in all of my character defects, still be my own worst enemy and judge and hate myself, still make one wrong choice after another while justifying them and still care about me and only me juxtaposed with thinking only about others happiness and not my own. That is what I could do sober.

Recovery on the other hand was me changing everything about myself. I mean the floor to the ceiling, the windows to the walls. I began to make changes in recovery that I never would have made in sobriety. I began treating others with respect even if I felt they did not deserve it. I vowed to never have premarital sex again. I quit smoking, as it was just another addiction that was bad for me. I stopped fighting and started being genuinely nice, even when I would have normally resorted to angry methods of coping. I even quit cussing, as it was not really a nice way to conduct myself. These changes actually made me happy. I began to walk around positive, which made me positive. I acted positive, so I felt positive. I became an optimist instead of a pessimist.

I made these changes not to impress anyone, but because they were the right thing to do. That is what recovery is, not just doing the next right thing but insuring that I do not do the wrong thing. I act the same way behind closed doors as I do when I am in front of people, the same way to my wife I do to my pastor. I do not simply treat people as I want to be treated, but better than I want to be treated. In recovery we should treat people the way that we would want them to treat our sons and daughters. We should not engage in behaviors that we would not want our sons and daughters to behave in. That is recovery, total change of our lives.

The sad thing is that as I look around the rooms, I see a lot of people that are sober but very few that are in recovery. I feel that way when I look around churches, too. I will get into this in my next blog, because getting baptised is a lot like getting sober. It is simply the first step in the right direction. There is a long way to go, still. It is simply not enough. I see many who look down on addicts and alcoholics in recovery that could learn a lot from them. Recovery is something that we should all want, as we are all recovering from something. I’m not judging, I’m just telling the truth.

Whether you are in addiction or recovery, a Christian or an athiest, I want to leave you with one thing. Even if you do not believe the Bible is true, there is still good stuff in there that everyone could learn from. Here is one of those good passages. In Matthew 7 of the Big Book I live my life by, it says that they will know you by the fruit you produce. So, what does the fruit you produce say about you? Think about the two women parasailing. You can either open your eyes and enjoy the ride of sobriety, or you can wish that you were anywhere but sober and do it because you have to. One way will keep you sober  and make you happy. The other way will only lead eventually to failure. The choice is yours!

Movie Review - Grace Card

I watched the movie Grace Card last night. It was a movie with a strong Christian theme, that of grace and forgiveness. My only problem with it was that it could have had better acting. That said, the story was great and the message was amazing.

The movie begins with Mac, who is washing his car and trying to encourage his son to ride his bike without training wheels while his wife and an infant look on. In an instant, he loses his son in a tragic accident as the result of an African-American drug dealer running from the police. Then we flash forward 18 years, and you see Mac as a police officer. He is a man who is haunted by his past. The loss of his son and blaming himself for it are displayed through anger, frustration and racism. His foundation has been shaken and his faith is lost.

He and his son do not get along. He and his wife are on the verge of a divorce. To top it all off, he gets assigned an African-American partner who just got promoted who has a happy family life and pastors his own church. It could not be any worse. His newly assigned partner, Sam, is able to pick up on Mac's animosity and prejudice. This in turn makes him question himself, especially after he gives a sermon about it that is not well received.

That is where I will stop telling about the movie so that I do not spoil it for you. What I will say is that grace plays a prominent part in the movie. I guess that the title gives that away! It is a story of how us giving to others the grace that was so undeservedly and graciously given to us allows us to engage in positive relationships with people that hate us and to overcome hate.

The story gets to the hardest part of our faith. We are told that we are to love our enemies. Matthew 5:43-48 states, 

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

We are also told that we are to forgive others. In Matthew Chapter 18, Jesus says that we are to forgive  not 7 times, but 7 x 70  times. That means that our forgiveness comes not from our limitations, but by grace. I am not able to forgive easily. When I was younger I would hold grudges to the point of not remembering why I did not like somebody. I just did not like them. I would tell people that, "If you hurt me, I could forgive but never forget. If you hurt one of my friends, I could forget but never forgive." I took pride in that statement! How sad is that. I walked around angry, hurt and bitter.

That is what not forgiving somebody does. It is said that holding a resentment is like drinking poison to kill somebody else. You only hurt yourself. As Christians we are asked to show others the unconditional grace that has been shown to us. Brandon Heath in his song "I'm Not Who I Was" says, "The thing I find most amazing, in amazing grace. Is the chance to give it out, maybe that's what love is all about." How true that is.

Giving other's grace is liberating! I am no longer trapped by rage. Resentments and grudges cause a lot of anxiety and a ton of energy. It is actually healthy for us physiologically and psychologically to forgive others. It is also Biblically mandated, and the hardest part of our commission to fulfill.

Do you remember the 5 Amish girls who were shot dead in Pennsylvania in 2006? The day after the shooting the parents of the dead girls, in fact the whole Amish community that suffered the loss, came forward and embraced the family of the shooter. They told the family that they forgave him. Over half of those in attendance at the shooter's funeral were Amish. They gave a portion of the money that came from around the world to the widow and child of the shooter.

People thought that the Amish were insane at the time. They did not understand how anyone could forgive that kind of act. Do you want to know how they did it? It was simply good Christian behavior. The Amish have this "grace thing" right. It is sad that so many were surprised to see people forgiving like the Amish did in this situation. It shows that as Christians we have a long way to go to overcome the bad reputation that we have gotten. We need to take notes from both the Amish and this movie. We need to incorporate  grace into our daily lives.

Instead of being a Sunday Christian, we are to be Christians 24/7. One of my favorite things said in the movie was that Church is only the locker room. It is where we hear the pep talk. Monday - Saturday is game time. Most Christians have it backwards. Sunday is not the day to act as a Christian. It is the day to learn how to act the rest of the week. We want to rest on the laurels of faith, but that will never be enough.

I will end this blog with the words of James, as he reminds us that faith is not enough (even the demons have faith in who Christ is and that there is only one God) in James 2:17-24,

In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.” Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.

Songs of Recovery - Let it Fade by Jeremy Camp

February 1st, 2009 was the first day of my walk with Christ. I had the transformation that you can read about in my About Me page at about 2 A.M. on February 1st. Since then it has all been different. I used to go to secular concerts, which were always as much about the alcohol and drugs as they were about the music. That may not be your take on them, but they were in my world.

Due to this, I had not been to a concert in the first couple of months after I got saved, which was weird for me. I attended at least 10 concerts a year at the time, but with no longer drinking and wanting to change my life I had simply stopped going to them. I had some friends from New Life who invited me to a concert with them. It was called the Rock and Worship Roadshow, and it was in April of 2009.

It was a worship concerts with a couple of great acts, among them Mercy Me, Tenth Avenue North and Jeremy Camp . I will discuss the concert in a future blog that will be about the concert and the impact that it had on me. This is how much the entire concert affected me, I could easily write several thousand words on the experience. That said, there was one song that I had never heard before. I did not really know who Jeremy Camp was at the time, but I recognized a song or two from listening to 88.3 The Wind (WKND). He stepped up and played his first few songs. I liked all of the songs he played, but when he began to sing one...........WOW! That is the only word that comes to my mind, wow!! It started with:

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

I remember sitting in the crowd and thinking, "Why yes, I have been walking on an uncertain surface and filling my life with empty things." I walked on my own, and I can tell you that is very uncertain. I have first thought wrong. My brain is a scary place to be all by myself, and I was there a lot. And as for helping myself to empty things, everything that I did was an empty act. If I was doing something nice, it was probably for show. I wanted people to think that I was not a bad person, so I did things and made sure that people knew about it.

As for my lifestyle, you get no more empty than numbing with drugs and alcohol and erecting walls to keep everyone out so that you can feel safe and not put your heart out there. He was right, I could not live my life that way too long. I had quite a few friends who were dead from their addictions. It had been me against the world for too long. Living without anyone to depend on but me (and my sister) was frustrating and tiring. I definitely needed some rest.

The cool thing was that I had finally been found by Christ, and I was actually feeling by this time that I did belong in church. For the first year that I went to New Life, I did not feel that I did belong, though. I did not feel judged by others, but I am my own worst critic. I deemed me unworthy. All of that changed February 1st. Now I had a place that I belonged. Then Jeremy came with the chorus:

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

I knew as soon as I heard that chorus that this was exactly what I had done. I had let my old life crumble away when I had accepted Christ into my life. This new life was my saving grace, as now I no longer had to do everything on my own. I now had the Holy Spirit living inside of me. I knew that I would never be alone again, because Christ was always with me. With God walking with me and the Spirit residing in me I would never again be alone.

Now I had the drive to do what was right. I had surrounded myself with positive people. I was letting my old life crumble and fade away. Like 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" That old life had crumbled when I accepted Christ into my life, and it was fading away more and more each day. His next verse also reminded me of my old life:

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

I had held onto this old world for so long that it had almost killed me. I had lost everything, including my self-respect. I gave into the false belief that numbing would make everything including myself better. If someone wanted to sleep with me, then I was a good person. If I could numb it due to the drugs or alcohol, then it did not exist. If I could beat people up, then they would listen to me so they must respect me. This was all a big masquerade. Perception is reality, but that does not make it true. 

Every time thata I tricked myself, it was fleeting. I would feel better until I sobered up, or until I was alone again. Then I would feel worthless all over again. I would always have to repeat the cycle in order to have the illusion of normality. And it was an illusion! What I considered normal most people would consider insane. That, and it was only temporary. It was gone and I would have to do it again immediately in order to feel better. Whether it was sex, food, drugs, alcohol or violence. My life was a laundry cycle, rinse and repeat! But I had found a new way to live. The new way was truly the chorus of the Jeremy Camp song:

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

This song simply reinforced what I already knew. Life with Christ was the new life that offered me hope. Only by the grace of God was I able to step out of my addiction into a life that was worth while. I was no longer angry, I was no longer full of self-loathing. I actually liked who I was and had faith that I could be a good example and an inspiration. I was no longer running from my calling, I was running towards it. I was built from the ground up, from my infancy up to be a teacher, a motivator and an inspiration. 

Thanks Jeremy! This song reinforced what I already knew. The first thing that I did after your set was go and buy your CD's and a T-Shirt that said Let This Old Life Crumble on the front and Let it Fade on the back. Then I came back, sat down and listened to Mercy Me. Great song, and a great way of telling us that there is so much more than this old life that we are currently living. I found it to be inspirational, and it has always been one of the songs that I listen to that help me realize how much better my life is now than it once was!

Scriptures of Recovery - Romans 3:23

I can remember sitting in church the very first Sunday that I went. I had been invited by friends because I was hopeless and stuck in a major depressive episode. I had not been to a Sunday service in 20 years. I had stopped going to church the first week of my 5th grade year. I am exact on that, because that is the week that my mother left my father and we went to live with my paternal grandfather. He was my abuser for the next 1 1/2 years. That is when I had decided that there could not be a God. Don't get me wrong, I had tried church several times in high school. I felt out of place in church and from my sophomore year on I had not been to church other than weddings and funerals.

As the service started, I was already feeling a little more open to what was about to be said. One of the songs before the service was Third Day's "Cry Out to Jesus," which you can read about here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/07/songs-of-recovery-cry-out-to-jesus-by.html. It opened me up to listen. So there I am, sitting in church actually listening as the pastor, Cal Swenson, gave his sermon. 

I remember sitting next to my friends Nate and Becca thinking that I did not belong in church. Truth be told, I probably did not feel that I deserved friends that were as caring and kind as Nate and Becca. I was looking at them and the people sat around me, all the while feeling that I we all had nothing in common. What could they possibly have in common with me? 

Then Cal read Romans 3:23, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." 

I suddenly looked at every one around me, and I felt that maybe I fit in. I was not the only one in there who had sinned. But, and there is that word but, as I looked around I still felt that my sins were far more and far greater than every one else in there. I was so full of self-loathing that I felt my sins completely outweighed every one else's. 

I did not believe in God at this time, but I can remember thinking that even if God was real, my sins were bigger than his forgiveness. I guess that it is really easy to make God insignificant if you have no faith in Him. That does not make Him so, but perception is reality (at least your perception is your reality). Amazing how Paul helped me see that all can be forgiven. His conversion from Saul of Tarsus to Paul and what he was employed to do when he was Saul helped me realize the extent of God's forgiveness, but that is for another blog!

So all sin, not just me but everyone that sits in church. I mean from the pastor to the deacon to the greeter at the door.  Mother Teresa, Ghandi, the Pope, all of the disciples, everyone! I had somewhere forgotten that no one is perfect, not even the people in church. Romans 3:10 expresses this best when it says, "There is no one righteous, not even one."

Sometimes I wish that the people in church would remember that and stop looking down on others and instead love them enough to get them inside of the church. That gives the Holy Spirit the chance to work on them. I believe that we should hold each other accountable, but acceptance in a genuine and nonjudgemental fashion is what will get people to stay so that the Spirit can begin to work on them and recreate them. This is a soapbox of mine, and I will step off of it now and get back to Romans.

So we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. This is a relief, because as a sinner it should make it hard to look down on other sinners. I know that this does not really happen, but it should. As I looked around the church that day, even though I knew that my sin's were more extreme and more frequent, I felt a little more like I could come back. I felt like maybe I at least had one thing in common with everyone in church at New Life. We were all imperfect, and we all fell short of the glory of God. 

Since we all fall short of the glory of God, which I would define as how God intended us to be. We were made to be holy, righteous, and eternal. We have all fallen short thanks to Adam and Eve. That said, it is time that we begin to accept responsibility for out actions. How do we do that? 

Romans 3:24-25 says that we are, "justified freely by his grace, through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in His blood." So Christ was sent to redeem us from our past sins, so that we could be justified. Justified is another way of saying declared righteous. So thanks to God's grace, we are now able to be declared righteous based solely upon what Jesus did for us. 

When Jesus walked the Via Dolorosa on the way to Golgotha, He knew what He was doing. The blood that He shed, from the whipping post to His crucifixion, was all done so that we could be forgiven. We sinned against God, and out of His mercy, love and grace He sent His Son as an atonement. What we could have never done on our own, God out of His love did for us.  

Just so that you do not get caught up like I once did in my sins and never being able to find forgiveness, Romans 3:28 says that, "we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law." That means that we are not justified, or declared righteous by our obedience to the law. Instead, we are declared righteous by having faith that Christ died so that we could live eternally. 

Finally, this is not a ticket to sin. 1 John 2:3-6 states, "We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands. Whoever says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person. But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did." 

So in summation, everyone sins and no one is perfect. Jesus was sent as a sacrifice so that we could be forgiven of our sins by God. We are redeemed of our sins not by our acts, but by our faith. Yet, this does not mean that we are free to sin. If we put our faith in the redemption of Christ, our lives will be directed by the Holy Spirit that resides inside of us and we will begin to live lives that are more and more Christ-like. Ergo, we will live life more righteously and sin less!

Scriptures of Recovery - Beginning of a New Blog

Welcome to scriptures of recovery. This is where I will look at the scriptures that were instrumental in my  overcoming my addiction through the help of the  Holy Spirit, kept me in church long enough for the Holy Spirit to work on me, allowed me to forgive myself or blessed me with a stronger relationship with God. I will not lie, I do not believe that Christianity is a religion. Not to quote a T-Shirt, but religion is one's search for a Higher Power, or man trying to work their way to God. Christianity is God coming to us through a relationship with Christ.

I have heard people say that they found Jesus, and I have heard others say that you cannot find Jesus. I would actually agree with the latter. I never found Jesus. He wasn't lost, I was! He came to were I was and gave me the power to overcome my past life and begin a new one. It was not religion that got me through my addiction. It was the Holy Spirit and Jesus coming to where I was at. Religion did not save me, Christ did! 

How do I know that God exists? All I have to do is examine my life before and after. If I were on a diet, I could look at the before and after pictures and tell whether or not it was successful. If there were things that I did other than exercise or eating better, such as methamphetamine or some other artificial way I would know because I would be ingesting it. I could also step on the scale, or I could use a tape measure to see how much my waist had shrunk. I could also tell if it was successful by how my clothes fit. These would all be valid ways for me to tell if it was working. So, how can we tell if the changes wrought in us are imagination or reality? How can we tell if it is worldly means or supernatural means that cause us to change?

So, why do I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit. How do I know that it worked:

1. I stopped taking my prescribed medications, stopped seeing counselors/psychiatrists, stopped going to secular 12 step meetings and stopped following secular methods of recovery. I turned to the spiritual and scriptural realms instead. I used prayer, meditation, reading and Celebrate Recovery. So it was not worldly means. I would know if I was ingesting some worldly intervention, and I was no longer doing that. I had given up hope of being successful by secular means.

2. The before and after picture of my life is night and day. I am not who I once was, and that has been said to me repeatedly by people who knew me before and after (think of the diet and everyone asking what you are doing to lose weight). I am now trusted to watch children, and to have keys to businesses that people own. I am asked for advice and taken into confidence, not called up to come and fight someone's battles. When clients cuss in front of me in groups, they do not apologize to the group. Instead, they apologize to me.

3. When I look at the people in my life, which I feel is a good measuring stick, I see major difference. I see people who put their kids and other's first. I see people that I can trust to watch my son, and not worry about him coming home and repeating the "F" bomb. There are no longer people who might get drunk or high around me or my son, not would their house get raided while I was there. Finally, I can turn my back and not worry about getting shot or robbed. So the tape measure definitely shows change.

4. I have tried to go to the places that I used to hang out at (think old clothes), but they just do not fit me anymore. I do not want to be around drunks, I cannot stand the smell of cigarettes and I feel out of place. I no longer fit into the old role. I am not the angry guy that fights at the drop of a hat. I am instead the peacemaker and the one in the advisor role.

So, those are just several of the ways that I can tell that something is different in my life. That something is me, not only my life but also the people in my life. Some of the people have stayed the same, but I do not let my circle of friends get stagnant. I tell people that you always need to have people in your life who are like how you want to be, not like how you are. If I want to get better at anything, I do that by playing against people who are better than I am. If I want to live a better life, I do that by having people in my life who are living better than I am. Due to this, I am always adding new friends.

So, part of my relationship with God has came through my reading of scripture and what those scriptures have meant to me. Scriptures of recovery will contain scriptures that helped give me hope and/or faith. A reading that revealed to me God's ability to forgive or showed me His mercy. I would often feel unworthy of God's forgiveness, or truly helpless/powerless, or unable to fit in at church and out of place due to my past. Sometimes I would simply come up with excuses because I was afraid of opening myself up just to be rejected or let down. The scriptures that helped me overcome all of this and build a relationship with God through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit will be listed. Why they helped and what they made me realize will also be included.

I hope that the little bit of insight that I have into these particular verses will be able to help you the reader either come into relationship with Christ, overcome your addictions/hurts/excuses or build a stronger relationship. Thanks for reading, and the next Scriptures of Recovery will actually contain a scripture!

Living Free Video Shot for New Life Church

Welcome

This is the very first blog for my web site, www.spiritualspackle.com. I am really excited, because this web site means that my book is progressing well. As I said, this is my first blog, and it is the first of many that will grace this site. I will have my biography on this site soon, and it is the life that I will briefly describe in my  biography as well as the concepts that allowed me to stop being an agnostic and instead step into a relationship with Christ, how I forgave myself for the choices that I made in the past, step ped out of my many addictions, stopped living a criminal lifestyle  and instead began living my life as an example to the people in my life of how a Christian should live  that will be the basis for my forthcoming book entitled, “Spiritual Spackle.” I have the titles for each of the books  chapters and the introduction written, and I am beginning the first chapter. That first chapter is at least partially dictated. It is a tough chapter, as it is my life from birth to the beginning of my 5^th grade year. Right now I am at work, and using this as a test for my first entry to allow my wife who is designing the site for me to see how blogging posts as she begins to put the website together. This blog may be very scattered and disorganized, like a jig saw puzzle that was thrown out of the box on the ground and the pieces left as they fell  as I am writing it between client’s sessions for ten minutes at a time.  I can guarantee that the writing will get better and be more cohesive in the future, so bear with me.

I have high hopes that this site can be used by many different people, from those who do not know Christ to those who are curious about Christ, from those who are new to Christ all the way to those who have been Christians their entire lives. It will be useful for those who need inspiration for life’s challenges, be they big or small. I want to be able to use this site to encourage the person who had a flat tire today all the way up to the person who lost their Dad. I want to introduce new ways of thinking to the visitor’s on this page, and encourage those who visit here to build their faith and have hope that is insurmountable through mediums from blogging to music, books to movies and everything in between.

I am looking at the various pages that I want to have on my site.  Those pages will include a page on Celebrate Recovery,  a page on Living Free, a page blogging my reading the Bible in a year and how I am affected by each of the readings that I read each day, updates on my book(s), and random thoughts that I have which are heavily influenced by my relationship with Christ. It will also have reviews of inspirational books, movies and music.  I also plan to blog each program that I work through, so there will be a page started in June after I get back from Florida where I will blog the Purpose Driven Life as I work through that over 40 days, then One 2 Won crosstraining will probably be next. I want a site that reviews small groups that people have facilitated and/or attended and how it has impacted their lives.

I want a forum so that people who have questions that they are having problems answering can get the information they need so that they can comprehend everything  that they want to know when it comes to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I had many questions when I first began going to church that were answered for me, such as why is there evil, why do good people in my life die and the people who are the worst such as me still live, how do we know that Jesus walked the face of the Earth, can I truly be forgiven of my sins, etc. People took the time to answer my questions, so I will try my best with the help of the other’s who will contribute to this site to answer yours.

This site will also be linked to Facebook, and I may even have to begin twittering so that can be on there also. I am excited about the opportunity to get to know some people really well, as I will hopefully have several contributors that will help get this site going and regular visitors that share their lives with us. I also will have the opportunity to give people a glimpse into my life as it was and how it is now, and can share my strength, hope, inspiration and faith with you the visitor.

One of the main focuses of this site is giving people a window into the live’s of people who are in recovery from all that this sinful world has to throw at them. I would argue that everyone has demons in their live’s that they need to overcome, whether it is food, relationships, childhood physical/sexual abuse, rape, shoplifting, codependency, divorce, lying, being unable to show empathy/compassion, compassion fatigue, PTSD, depression, anxiety, drugs/alcohol, gambling, shopping, debt, overworking, pornography, grief/loss, etc. I want you to know that you are not alone, and that there is hope for all of us. Saul of Tarsus at one time hunted down Christians and executed them , then was redeemed of his sins and after a Pauline conversion went on to write over half of the New Testament. If there is redemption for Paul, forgiveness for King David after committing adultry then having a man murdered, even grace for the criminal crucified next to Jesus Christ, then there is surely a loving Father who can forgive.

This website will impart hope to those who suffer by allowing them to see the wonderful transformation that is possible through God’s grace. It will open other’s eyes to the wonders that God is able to create from the trials and tribulations that life throws at us. I have seen God by way of the Holy Spirit begin to make changes in me that I never dreamed were possible. In the first 30 years of my life I had sometimes intentionally and other times unknowingly conspired with the devil to destroy people’s lives. In the past several years I have used the Holy Spirit to help rebuild my life and used that new  life which I have been blessed with to help other’s overcome isses since I was saved. I have seen and met many incredible and wise people through programs such as Celebrate Recovery, Teen Challenge, Church Army and Living Free who have through the power of Christ made wondrous changes in their live’s and learned the true meaning of being born again.

Thanks for coming to visit, and I truly hope that this is the first of many times that you will come to this site. I look forward to getting to know you as you get to know me.