I'm Not Okay...............and I'm Okay with That!

When I first got sober, I could not stand myself. Every time that I looked into the mirror, all I could say about the guy staring back was that he was an addict, junkie, convict and a horrible person. I knew that there were so many people out there that were better than he would ever be. Because of that, my self-esteem, self-confidence and self-image were horrible.

I knew that I was not okay, and I hated that. I was not just riddled with guilt about my past, I was drowning in shame about my present. I could not see any reason that anyone would like me. I knew that I did not want to go back to prison, so I stopped doing drugs and started drinking. I stopped drugs but became an alcoholic with rage issues that measured my current happiness based on the person I was currently sleeping with.

I could still numb and escape from myself and my past, while doing something that was far more socially acceptable and main stream than the methamphetamines and opiates I had once abused. The problem was that I was trapped in my addiction still. It had just changed names. I have shifted addictions several times, from drugs/sex/money/power to alcohol and sex. From there I shifted to sobriety and food. I am still working on the comfort eating that I once relied on and have been making progress.

The real problem was accepting me not only for who I am today but for who I once was. They never told me that sobriety was not a magical cure. I would get sober, and suddenly I would be happy and content. That worked at first, but after 6 months of listening to people relive their “glory days” and tell war stories or talk about how miserable their lives were now that they were clean and sober “but still better than it used to be” I went back out. If there was no real hope for relief from my misery why would I want to clean up at all?

I had done horrible things that I could not forgive myself for. Making amends from people in my past and present was the easy part. With other people things were easy. You can lie to other people. The problem was that the man in the mirror knew the truth about me, and I could not convince that man in the mirror that I was a good person like other people I now knew.

I thought that recovery was all about building a new life, putting the past behind you and living the amazing fulfilling life that “normal” people live. It took me a while to discover that all of that was not true. Here are some things that led to me having a better outlook on my life.

1. I should never compare myself to anyone else. If I know one thing, it is that I would make a horrible anyone else. I can make the best me possible, so that is my goal. 
2. I am an addict and will always be an addict. That is not a bad thing, it just means that I cannot use drugs or alcohol responsibly and they will therefore not be used by me…..ever 
3. Life is not all rainbows and cotton candy. Life is lollipops and lemon drops. It is sweet and sour, happy and sad, positive and negative not just for you but for everyone. Whether it is the best or worst day you have ever had, it will soon pass. 
4. No one is truly okay. Everyone has problems, there is no one perfect not one. You can, however, have a perfectly normal life once you realize that life is not perfectly normal. 
5. Every one of my past mistakes or traumas has given me both wisdom and strength. I would not be who I am today if not for every single event that I have ever lived through. 
6. I embrace the positives AND the negatives. They all have led me to where I am today, and I like where I am at. It may not be where I want to be but it is many steps in the right direction from where I once was. 
7. The world is imperfect, and it leads to follow that the people in it have imperfections. I am one of those imperfect people. 

There is perfection in me. I was made to be the best possible me I can be. I have come to realize that I am shattered………………….perfectly shattered. These realizations led me to one conclusion, no one is truly okay.

Over the course of my life I have been friends with some talented people: inventors, doctors, counselors, pastors, scientists, etc. I have also been friends with some people who were well off financially: politicians, lawyers, trust fund kids, business owners, etc. I have also been friends with drug addicts, convicts, homeless people and those working for minimum wage.

 They all had some things in common. Every single one of them had days they were happy and days they were depressed. They all at times felt self-worthy and at other times lacked self-esteem. One day they might feel successful just to wake up the next day feeling like they had not lived up to their potential. In the end, no one I have ever met was perfect.

In fact, in all my life I have only read about one perfect person and it was not you. I realized that no one is okay, 24/7. I am just as imperfect as everyone else on this planet. It took me a long time to be able to say this, but here goes. I AM NOT OKAY, and I am okay with that!

Weight Loss Wednesday - Starting the Visalus 90 Day Challenge

We can just get this out of the way right now. I did not factually report something to you in the previous weight loss posts. I told you that I was not going to use anything to help me lose weight other than diet and exercise. I would use no pills or powders or programs, that is what I said.

Guess what?

I lied!

 I am tired of fighting my food addiction and I have found that I cannot do it on my own. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I had thought it would be easy to do. After all, I had quit drinking and doing drugs after 24 years. I had quit smoking cigarettes after 26 years. That was 4 plus years ago, and I am still doing great.

If I could quit those, surely I could stop comfort eating. It was the same thing done for the same reason, intake of something for a desired outcome. I used drugs and food the same way, to help me escape and numb. So it should be just as easy, right? Wrong!!

I forgot that when I did drugs and smoked cigarettes, those were not needs. They were things I wanted, and due to some changes in brain chemistry over time something that I needed, but they were not true needs. They were not required by me or I would die. I might feel horrible for months after I stopped, but I would not die if I didn't have them.

Food is a different creature all together. I NEED food in order to live. I HAVE TO EAT. There is no way around that. I didn't have to eat the things that I did, but I had to eat. Being required to do something several times daily gives you several chances each day to mess up. Maybe I messed up because fast food was more convenient, or maybe because I had a client who died and needed to insulate myself.

Relapsing was easy, because food is much more "in your face" than my other vices are. Due to the ease with which I have been messing up, something needs to change. I work with those struggling with addictions and my job is to deal hope to them. I talk to youth and young adults in the community about how there is a better life in recovery!

When some of my clients and some of the people I speak to use drugs to lose weight, it is hard for me to get them to listen to what I say and it impact them when I am obese. Furthermore, how can I feel that I am equipped to give them sound counseling and inspiration to overcome their addictions when I am still struggling with one? I could not. I have found that I can not do it on my own.

So, I am doing the Visalus 90 Day Challenge. I have had several friends try it and lose weight successfully then keep the weight off. I figured it is my turn. It seems easy enough. I get to drink two shakes, eat one moderate meal and then have 2 or 3 snacks throughout the course of the day. That is eating 5 times a day, which is more than I am eating now.

I have a goal of losing 25 pounds in my first 90 days then I am going to lose another 25 in the next 90 days and if that works and there is still more to go than another 10 pounds in the last 90 days. That is me losing 50 pounds this year and 60 pounds by next Spring. If I am successful, that will be me at 185-195 pounds.
 I have not weighed that since I was 3 months off of meth. When I stopped using meth I was underweight. I had gotten to probably 145 pounds. I needed to gain 40-50 pounds to be healthy. Unfortunately, I quickly gained what I needed and then rapidly doubled it. I have held on to it ever since.

 That is going to change NOW!

 I am going to change this shack back into the temple it was made to be!

 The truth is, I started the 90 day challenge two weeks ago. When I started the challenge on the 27th of August I weighed in at 244.8 pounds. We round that up to 245 pounds so that my goal of 25 pounds puts me at 220 and the next 90 day would put me at 195. When I weighed yesterday, I weighed in at 236 pounds. That means that I have lost 9 pounds in 13 days. That has me pretty excited. What will be telling is two things:

1.Will I continue to lose weight
2.Will I stick with the program even after I lose the weight and not put it back on

We can at least answer the first question the next time we address weight loss in August on the first Wednesday of the month.

Talk to you soon!

From Shack to Temple Weight Loss Wednesday Reasons for Change

So I am right back up to almost 250 pounds. I just weighed 248.2 pounds. I have not only gained weight since we had the baby, I now weigh more than I did when I first started losing weight. This time, the stakes are a little different. I know that I need to curb my addiction to eating and form better eating habits, but now I have more reasons. Let's get into those reasons:

1. I have a new born daughter
2. My wife has lost 40 pounds since she had our daughter 6 weeks ago
3. My body is supposed to be a temple and looks more like a shack
4. I am 40 years old

I have a new born daughter. I have one more person to keep up with, not just my son. She will not graduate until I am 58 and will need me to play games with her, teach her how to play sports and practice with her. My son needs these things too. They also need to learn healthy eating habits, which I do not currently have. It is hard to teach something that you don't know and practice in your own life. Since I eat poorly while being obese and 40, we have a problem. Those are not the ingredients I would use if the recipe I am making is to turn into me being able to be physically active with them at least until they graduate. And then there is grand kids, but we won't even talk about them yet.

Then we have my beautiful wife, who now weighs less then she did before we met. This is the sveltest she has been since I have known her. I am the heaviest I have been since she has known me. I don't want to be walking down the street and have people wondering what the hottie is doing with the fattie! I know that is mean, but I know if we continue down the paths we are walking I will be thinking it. I expect that others would, too!

How is it that I have quit smoking cigarettes after 26 years and drugs/alcohol after doing them for 25 years, yet food is kicking my butt. I know I have been eating my whole life, but seriously I need to stop this. I am tired of having something consume my life that is not good for me. I will not be a slave to anything, whether it is drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, shopping, porn, anger  or food. I am done with this. I am controlled by no one and no thing. I pull my strings..............with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Finally, we are told that our bodies are a living sacrifice to God in Romans 12:1. My body is in no way a living sacrifice if I constantly stuff it with food. I eat to eat, I comfort eat to make me feel better. This happens particularly at night. I have found something to eat at night that will be better than what I am eating now. We will talk about that later. All I have to say is that if I can't even control what I am putting into my body how can I possibly control what is coming out of it. Time to shift my focus to Christ and rely on him for the support I am currently getting from food.

In two weeks we will talk about what it is that I am eating, my exercise routines and how it is all going as well as how my relationship with Christ is being built stronger through the process.

From Shack to Temple Weight Loss Wednesday pt 050

So I was going to start writing again about my weight, but I hurt my leg yesterday and will be putting off the 5K a day for two weeks. Due to that I will begin writing the blog in two weeks with all kinds of good things. That said, I can tell you this. I was doing great, down about 25 pounds when my daughter was born. I slacked and did not go to the gym and had a couple of bad meals and I was full blown back the way I was before.

I was watching what I ate. I was drinking water, tea and milk. I was waking up at 4:30 5 days a week so I could go to the gym. Now I am eating horribly, I drink at least one mocha frappacino a day. I am having trouble pulling myself out of bed at 7 to get to work. It has gotten bad, all because I allowed the door to open.

Here is what I am going to do. I am going to use the rest of this week to get my goals down and figure out what I need to do daily. I will use that to start the blog you will get in two weeks, as well as how it is going. All I know now is that I am suffering, gaining weight and am lethargic because I gave in. By giving in, by cracking the door to food and sloth it has taken back over.

I WILL DEFEAT IT!!!!!!!!!