What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

I was in a group the other day and that question was asked, “What did you want to be when you were a kid and what is stopping you from doing it now?” What we were talking about was the way our various traumas and addictions had impacted us in the past, but at the same time acknowledging that we could still do anything we set our minds to.

I was not the first person to go, and I listened to various answers. One had wanted to be a fire fighter. There was the kid who wanted to be a bull rider, until he had gotten thrown a couple of times and he decided it was not for him. The opiate addict that had wanted to be a doctor, but both his drug of choice and the felony he had for fraudulent attempt to obtain a narcotic held him back.

Then it came to me. I said that I wanted to be happy and normal. When I was asked what that meant, I explained a little of my past. I was molested starting at 4 for a couple of years by a baby sitter. My parents were constantly screaming at each other from the earliest I can remember until they split up my first week of 5^th grade. From there I went to live with my grandparents, and my grandfather was an abusive man who would beat me and keep me home for the week “to help out on the farm” so the bruising and cuts could heal up. I thought it was because he had found out how “disgusting” I was.

So, all I wanted was to be happy, safe and normal. I had obviously not been safe due to the physical, sexual and psychological abuse I underwent. I was not happy. Who could be happy with all the aforementioned going on? I had lost my faith, as I could not imagine a God of love allowing me to suffer as I did and I became an Agnostic. Finally, and the part that probably hurt the worse, was knowing I was not like everyone else. I was abnormal at best and felt like a freak on my worst days.

I would hear other kids talk about their moms and dads and what they had done together. My parents were not together. In fact, I was being raised by grandparents. Because I had been molested I felt disgusting, as I had once heard my mother talk about grown ups touching children and she had said they were disgusting and sick. I thought that she meant me. Finally, I knew that the other kids were not getting beat like I was because they were always at school.

The kids I went to school with almost always had smiles on their faces. Somehow I knew that there smiles were real. Mine was not. I was dead on the inside but I build walls to keep the pain inside and not let it show to everyone else. I was crying on the inside, and it came out in the form of anger and violence as early as the 5^th grade.

In the 5^th grade I was already seeing both a school counselor and a counselor outside of school for my behavioral issues. I never once spoke to them about the abuses, because I did not want them to judge me for them the way I felt everyone else did and I feared my grandpa and what he would do to my sister if I told.

Instead, I kept it all inside. That is where the outbursts came from. It is kind of like a pressure cooker, if that steam is not released somehow you create a bomb that will explode when you least expect it. Not only that, but I felt I could never let people know who I really was. I looked normal but did not feel normal. I felt like an unloved outcast, because that is how I was treated.

It is difficult to function well when the people that are supposed to love and protect you are the ones that do you the most harm. Instead, you learn not to trust, not to love and how to mask your feelings. You learn to adapt and become a chameleon so that you appear to fit in. The truth is, doing that causes you to lose your identity over time and you forget who you are.

Then we ended the group talking about where we were today. Today, I am very grateful. I have accomplished my goals. I am happy and safe, though far from normal and that is okay. I have found that I was built from the ground up by God to do what I do today. Today, I get to share my strength, experience and wisdom with people by sharing the hope found in both grace and recovery.

My Life as a Bad Guy Part 1: Why I Became a Bully

I can tell you that there is a reason for all that happens. I know that at times it seems there could not possibly be any reason for your past. Maybe you have had some horrible things happen to you. Maybe you have made some horrible choices. As one who has had a lot of bad things happen to me, I searched in vain for a good reason. As a person who has made a lot of bad decisions, I could never find any positive reasons for them. Then it all just clicked.

To start off, let's talk about the bad that has happened. In the 5th grade, my mother left my father and we lived with her mom and dad. My grandpa was an abusive man. Over the course of the next year and a half there were multiple times he would beat me then not let me go to school for a week because they would see the bruises. To compound the abuse, I was the only 5th grader I knew who was living with their grandparents and at the time I was not seeing my dad. All of this I blamed on myself.

When I was really young I had been molested by a babysitter. I did not tell my parents for fear of what they would think of me. I had heard them talk before about a child being touched by an adult and how disgusting that was and how horrible they were. I did not want them to think that I was disgusting so I didn't tell them. When my grandpa started beating me I figured it was because he somehow knew. After all, that is what you do to disgusting people. In 5th grade I became an Agnostic. I knew if there was a God He would not let me suffer like I was.

To cope with everything I became violent, depressed and detached. I felt like I was all alone and I discovered that if I picked on one of the other unpopular kids in my class, the other kids would laugh and I felt more accepted. I soon became a bully. It was nice to pick on kids and beat up someone, not just for the feeling of acceptance but to release some of the anger. I told myself I didn't care what people thought of me, but my actions told the truth. I so wanted people to like me I would hurt others to feel accepted.

I was so mad at the world and everyone in it. I was a hurt and confused kid who felt that he had no one to turn to. I felt unliked, unloved and alienated. To cope with that I did what was natural. It was natural to want to feel accepted and strong. When I hit someone or picked on them and hurt them, I was no longer the victim. It made people laugh and others look up to me. I became a bully. From there it just got worse.

Happy 2nd Birthday Spiritual Spackle

The first Spiritual Spackle blog was published on May 10th, 2011. It was created to be a forum to share my thoughts and feelings on recovery, various addictions (food, drugs, alcohol, anger), living with mental illness, surviving child hood abuse, parenting, faith, apologetics and various other things to either inspire or make people think while sharing hope and faith with them. It has been a lot of fun so far.

Spiritual Spackle has my soapbox and my classroom to write about the things that read, thought, felt and seen. Based on comments and feedback some people have received hope while others have been reminded of things they need to work on. Some have gotten a dose of happiness from what they have read while others have gotten angry. People have called to thank me and others let me know they did not appreciate what I had to say. All of this is said to acknowledge one thing; people are reading the blog.

Who knew that people would actually be interested in what was written here? Spiritual Spackle is now featured regularly on the Poached Egg (www.thepoachedegg.net) as well the Global University blog called 360 Harvest. Spiritual Spackle has been blessed with a forum that has allowed the sharing of opinions, thoughts, ideas and sometimes frustrations with all who care to read them.

Read them people have. The first year there were over 11,000 hits on Spiritual Spackle. That number was doubled in the second year, with 22,000 hits for a total of over 33,000 hits in 2 years. Small in comparison to many blogs, but refreshing because of the hope, recovery and faith that has been shared. Listed below are  the top 10 blogs of all time (number 2 and 7 are not written by me):

1. 2012: The Year in Review
2. 45 Seconds: Memoirs of an ER Doctor from May 22, 2...
3. What is A Moral Failure
4. Celebrate Recovery Lesson 2 - POWERLESS
5. Stinking Thinking Part 1: Would You Stick Your Han...
6. Holman QuickSource Guide to Christian Apologetics ...
7. Does God Really Love You Unconditionally?
8. From Shack to Temple 2013 - No More Cheating!!
9. Joplin tornado and psychological first aid
10. Celebrate Recovery Testimony 01/19/2012

Spiritual Spackle has had the fortune of being read in multiple countries. I would have figured that Spiritual Spackle would have been read in the United States and maybe several other primarily English speaking countries. I forgot that when you put things on the web they have a very global reach. The first year Spiritual Spackle was read in 84 countries. This year there were an additional 22 countries that were reached for a 2 year total of 106 countries. Here is the complete list off all 106 countries http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/06/countries.html Below are the top 10 countries that have viewed Spiritual Spackle in the first two years:

1. United States
2. Russia
3. Germany
4. France
5. United Kingdom
6. China
7. Canada
8. Brazil
9. Turkey
10. Australia

So in closing, thank you very much for following me on my journey of recovery as I continue to grow in my personal, spiritual, physical and emotional life. If you ever have any questions you want answered/addressed, suggestions for me on my style of writing or feedback please get in touch with me. Thanks again, and I look forward to the coming year!

Eternally Optimistic

My name is David and I am eternally optimistic. That is how I used to introduce myself in process groups, and often how I would reply when people asked how I was doing. Why? I have found that repeating something over and over again has an ability to make it seem a little more tangible. Optimism seemed like something that I wanted in my life, so I try my best to act and speak as if it were true. Over time it has become true. Why am I optimistic?

Hi, my name is David and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who has been blessed with lots of difficulties in my life that I have learned from and that have made me stronger! That is how I introduce myself at the Celebrate Recovery groups that I go to. In that sentence are the reasons that I am optimistic. I will share each one of them with you.

I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ. Why am I grateful? I was raised a Christian, but from 5th grade to the age of 35 I was Agnostic. I became Agnostic because of the hypocrisy and judgemental attitudes that I saw displayed by the Christians that I knew. I struggled with depression and substance abuse. I tried everything I could to get through my depression and be drug/alcohol free and nothing worked. I tried rehab, medication, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, jail, prison and even suicide. Nothing set me free until I got saved. I have not used once since that day. I  know what it is to be hopeless, to feel that waking up without a hangover is the best my life would ever get. Now I know what it is to have hope, and I am grateful for that!

My life has been blessed with lots of difficulties that I have learned from and that have made me stronger. Wow, that is a mouthful. It took me years to be able to see my life that way. I was sexually abused for the first time when I was pre-Kindergarten by a baby sitter. My parents divorced when I was in 5th grade. I went to live with my grandparents. I was physically abused by my grandfather starting in 5th grade. I was suspended from school for the first time in 5th grade. I started doing drugs in 7th grade. I dropped out of high school. I went to jail for the first time at 17 and prison at 20. I attempted suicide at 25. My dad committed suicide when I was 35.

I got my GED in prison and started college at 29. I have gotten an Associates, a double Bachelors and my Master's in Social Work. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I have been working in the recovery field for 5 years and have been a counselor for various drug courts the past 4 years. I have a 5 year old son who is amazing. I have an awesome wife that I am in love with. We have a 6 1/2 month old daughter who is the happiest baby I have ever seen. I am active in the recovery community, both at work and in my free time. I write a blog about my faith and recovery and am in the middle of starting my own non-profit, Better Life in Recovery, Inc.

As you can see,  I have had some issues. I have also had some positive things. I realize that if not for the negative things that have happened to me, I would not have a lot of the positive things. In my life I have had both positive and negative things happen to me. Part of optimism, which imparts happiness, is focusing on the positives instead of the negatives. Another huge part is finding the bless in the mess. That is the part that comes with time. Here are a couple of examples.

There have been issues with both of my children at birth. My son spent time in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), as did my daughter. I did not get to hold my son until he was a week old. My daughter had to go to St Louis to have surgeries twice before she was 2 months old and will have to have at least one more. Now I could focus on the negatives, or I can be happy that they were born. I have gotten to spend time with them. I might not have gotten to hold my son at first, but at least he was alive. My daughter still has at least one surgery, but she is always happy. If she can be, so should I. Be grateful for what you have.

I was abused, addicted to drugs, went to prison, can't count on one hand the number of times I have died and been brought back and all kinds of other stuff people feel are horrific to go through. Some of these I did to myself, and some of them were done to me. I cannot change them, no matter how much I want to. They are not the problem, thank God. If they were the problem, I would be in trouble. Why? Because they all happened in the past. You cannot change the past. You can change how you view the past. That is what I have done.

I have realized that I am good at what I do. I help people who are struggling. I help people who are empty inside, who hate themselves and who feel hopeless. I am good at it, too. I am good at it because I have been there too. I went from hopeless dope fiend to dopeless hope fiend. Going from where I have been and where I am now plus the college education I have received has given me wisdom, book knowledge and insight that many do not have. I use that to help people.

There are those who would argue against that. There statement is usually either "You don't have to have cancer to cure cancer" or "Would you want your psychiatrist to be Bi-Polar and Schizophrenic like you?" Those are good questions that are usually asked by people in the field who have not had the struggles. If what they say is true, then no one should ever do grief and loss counseling as everyone has lost someone. But I will take it a step further. Here is my scenario.

Imagine you are getting your butt kicked. You want to learn how to defend yourself, and there are two different people in your town that teach self-defense. The first guy has on his resume watching fights, reading books on fights and several friends who are fighters. The second on his resume has watching fights, reading about fights, growing up in gangs in south Chicago, being an Army Ranger with 2 tours in Vietnam and having multiple fights in the ring that he was won. Who would you want to teach you how to defend yourself, the first or second one?

I am not saying that someone who has never struggled with addiction cannot be an effective counselor. After all, there is an NFL coach that never played football himself. What I am saying is that it cannot  hurt. I had several counselors in my past, and the person that helped me the most was a counselor who was in recovery himself. I knew that he knew what I was experiencing and that developed a bond that the others had not been able to develop. When you combine overcoming struggles yourself in the past with an education in the field, I think that is a pretty potent combination.

So, that is why I am grateful for my past. It not only made me who I am, which is a father of two amazing children with an incredible wife, but it also gave me the desire to go into the field I am in and be pretty good at it (if I do say so myself). I realize that I have learned from everything I have gone through and in the end it either made me wiser, stronger, or gave me another tool. Generally it did all three of those things.

So in closing, I am eternally optimistic because I realize bad things may happen to me and I might make foolish choices on occasion. Those things may make me sad and they may impact me for quite sometime, maybe forever, but they will never lead me back to where I used to be. I will work through them clean and sober, and will come out of them both wiser and stronger for the journey.

Why I Hate Addiction or These are a Few of my Least Favorite Things

I can honestly say that there are very few things that I hate. I will give you a list and you tell me what is the #1 thing that you cannot stand:

1. Murder
2. Child Abuse
3. Child Molestation
4. Animal Cruelty
5. Drugs/Alcohol
6. Rape
7. Domestic Violence

The top of my extremely short list would sit drugs/alcohol as the reigning king. "Why not child abuse or child molestation at the top of your list, David?" The same reason that animal cruelty, murder, rape and domestic abuse are not at the top. Drugs and alcohol are the top correlations in all of the above instances. If you look at the majority of child abuse/molestation cases, rapes, murders, domestic violence and animal cruelty you are more than likely going to see drugs and alcohol are in the mix!

That said, they do not cause the situations to happen. They are more like throwing gasoline on a fire. The gasoline is not the cause of the fire, but it causes it to get much worse. When you add alcohol and drugs to an already volatile situation or unstable person, you are just making a bad situation 100 times more dangerous. You are just asking for trouble. All you have to do is look at the news. You will see the problems.

The reason why I am at this point today is I have had a rough past couple of months. I have had a friend that was on the Dr Phil show yesterday that is really struggling and on the verge of death. I had a friend overdose and die, an accountability partner who has decided that he can start drinking again, a friend I grew up with that is in intensive care and has been for several weeks after she relapsed and the guy she was with wrecked a car then left her for dead in a field. To add insult to injury, he left the accident and went back to her house where he cooked a batch of dope then robbed her.

In the news we have a man on mushrooms ripping out his friends heart and tongue. Locally we have a 47 year old male recently released from prison on drug charges linked to a 15 year old female who was found in a lake. We have a 17 year old found with his throat slashed by another teenage male because he believed he was a snitch and he wanted his little brother to see someone die. This is crazy stuff happening. Addiction is EVIL!!!!

Yet, it is so alluring. I have hurts and things that have been done to me that are horrific. I have done things myself that I can't forgive myself for. Because of this I have no self-esteem, self-confidence or hope. I feel that I am all alone, and the only thing that I can depend on is my new God, fill in your addiction here. It numbs me, gives me confidence, helps me forget and is always there for me. But then I come down or sober up, and the pain is still there so I have to use again.

In order to stop the cycle, we have to do something. We have to find something that works, to replace our addiction. We cannot overcome anything by admitting it is not there. In order to effect change, there are 5 things we must add and 2 things we must remove from our lives:

1. Higher Power - I need to find a power greater than myself to help me overcome what I cannot overcome on my own
2. Recovery Meetings - I need to know that I am not alone and hear others stories of recovery to help me realize that we do get better. Great place to find hope!
3. Step Work (Book of James) - We must have some kind of game plan to overcome our addictive behaviors and old lifestyle
4. Sponsor (Mentor) - We need someone who is living their life the way we want to live ours that can help us begin putting step 3 into action
5. Accountability Partners - Birds of a feather flock together. If I want to live my life better, I need to surround myself with people who are living their lives well.
6. Old Playgrounds - You can't stay clean if your standing in the mud. If you hang out in bars or where drugs are readily available, the question stops being "Will you relapse" and becomes "When will you relapse."
7. Old Playmates - If I continue to hang out with people who are living in addictions and engaging in criminal behaviors, I too will eventually go back to my old behaviors too.

Remember, your addiction is in the back of your head. It is lifting weights, running on a treadmill and on the computer doing research. It is getting stronger and smarter every day, looking for a way to take back over your life. YOUR ADDICTION NEVER TAKES A DAY OFF!! In order to remain in recovery, you need to do recovery oriented things every day. Go to a meeting, associate with positive people, talk to your sponsor, work the steps, read a daily devotional (the Bible, Just for Today). 

I HAVE YET TO MEET A PERSON THAT WAS DOING ALL 7 OF THE ABOVE THINGS THAT RELAPSED! AS NIKE SAYS, "JUST DO IT!" REMEMBER, YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!

Better Life in Recovery Testimony - Beyond Repair 2012/07/29

This is the testimony/sermon that I gave at Life Fellowship Church. It is the story of my life, from sexual and physical abuse at a young age which led to anger, depression and substance abuse. After 25 years of substance abuse and multiple attempts at stopping that included jail, prison, rehab, medication and multiple therapists I thought that I would never be able to overcome my addiction. Then I decided to give God a chance, and since the night I made a deal with God I have not used.

In my finding recovery God placed a couple into my life that loved me to Christ. If not for them, I would not be where I am today in my life. I would be dead. Looking at Paul and Ananius and the correlation between me and the couple that entered into my life, I ask the congregation to challenge themselves to go out and see what Paul they can be an Ananius to.

Moral of the story is that no one is beyond repair, but if we do not go out into the world and show everyone God's grace and love then we are not living our lives right!!

4 People Who Found the Reason for Their Hurts

Have you ever had one of those days, or better yet one of those years that just kicks your butt. Come to think of it, some of us have one of those lives! You have the absolute worse things happen to you. You are abused as a child either physically, mentally, sexually or all three. You get abused not just by a parent (or grandparent or uncle or step-parent) but by your siblings and/or their friends as well. Your parents are addicts/alcoholics and your mother gets beat all the time. You grow up poor, and the kids at school make fun of you. Everybody you care about either leaves you or dies. Does this sound familiar?

Some of you live in constant fear of what is going to happen to you next. You can never figure out why. You sit by yourself in tears, wallowing in depression and fear, just wishing it would all go away. There are questions and thoughts that always wander into your mind: "Why does my luck always suck?" "Can God see me?" "Does God hate me?" "Maybe I should just end it all." "There can't be a God or He wouldn't let this happen." "Why does this always happen to me?"

At the end of this I am going to play a song that my wife wrote and performs called "There's A Reason" that addresses these questions, but first I would like to share a few stories. Here are stories about 4 people who most would think have been dealt a pretty unfair hand. They could have turned their back on God and just given up, but they didn't!

1. Nick Vujicic is a pastor and motivational speaker who has traveled all over the world. His ministry is called "Life Without Limbs" because Nick was born with no arms and no legs. He has never let that stop him. He has spoken to over 3 million people on 5 continents about hope and finding meaning in their lives. He talks all over the world about how God can use anyone who is willing to do his work no matter their disability. 
2. Ellie is 11 years old today. When she was 7 she was molested by her best friend's step-dad. She came forward a year later. She took that long because she was filled with shame and she thought that her parents would not believe her because he was a friend of the family. Her family pressed charges and other girls came forward too. He was eventually placed in prison. Ellie now goes into churches, schools and prisons to talk about the abuse. She wants children to know that if this is happening to them they should not be afraid or ashamed, because it is not their fault. Because of her conviction to help others many children who were being abused and had never told anyone had the courage to come forward after she spoke. 
3. Harold and Betty Donaldson were hit head on by a drunk driver. He was killed and she was incapacitated for a long time. The Donaldson's children learned how to live without many of the basic necessities that  we take for granted. The local community and churches intervened and made sure that the Donaldson's had food and shelter. The generosity that they were shown not only gave the Donaldson's hope, it also instilled in them a desire to one day help those in need. In 1994 they created Convoy of Hope, which has given over $299 million worth of food and supplies to over 52 million people in more than 100 countries. 
4. I did not have the best of life growing up. I was abused sexually when I was in the 1st grade by a baby sitter. In 5th and 6th grade I lived with a highly abusive grandfather. I went on to abuse drugs and alcohol for 25 years of my life, living a lifestyle that landed me in rehabs, jails and prison. I overdosed 3 times, have been found unconscious in a pool of blood after attempting suicide and have died several other times after a car accident. I was diagnosed Bi-Polar, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, etc. My life was not alright. Since I turned 30 I have gotten an associate, 2 bachelors and a masters degree off of a GED that I got in prison. I have 3 years clean and sober and live my life working as a substance abuse counselor and sharing the message of recovery, Christ and hope in churches, colleges, youth groups and communities. I am currently forming a non-profit to take that message into groups, communities, churches, colleges, junior high and high schools. 

Why do I tell you all of this. The number one reason is to let you know that you are not alone. Life hurts many of us deeply. Second I want you to know that no matter the abuse you are living through/with or the tragedies and losses that you have suffered; there is hope. I know that you may not want to hear it now, but there is a reason these things have happened. God has a plan that is bigger than you and bigger than me. 

In my life, God has used my hurts and my habits to help others. From my addiction to my mental illnesses to my dad's suicide, everything that has ever happened in my life has been a blessing. They have all given me the passion to do what I do and the drive to do it. Me and the other 3 people that I talked about all had horrific things happen, but today we would all tell you that there was a bless in the mess. 

Life happens and life hurts, sometimes really bad. Life can either make us better or bitter, I choose to let it make me better. When I let it make me bitter it was killing me, and I want to live. I still have a lot of hope to share!!

Child Abuse? I don't hate you Grandpa, but you broke my heart!

I dropped my son off at daycare yesterday as I do every other Monday morning. As I walked away, he came running behind me."Daddy, kiss," he said. So I bent down and gave him a kiss. Then as I turned he said, "One more hug, dad." I bent down and gave him a hug, and then pretended that his squeeze was hurting me. "You are too strong, DJ," I said to him. He started giggling and ran into class laughing. Instantly my heart was on fire with the love I feel for him.

Then my eyes welled up with tears. Running through my head was one thought. How can anyone hurt an innocent being. How can anyone neglect a child who can fill their heart with such joy if they only paid attention to them. I have always been and continue to be completely mystified by both child abuse and neglect. My heart breaks at the thought of it. I used to be filled with hatred directed towards the abuser. I thought that I had good reason to be.

I was abused as a child. I was psychologically and physically abused for years. There was other abuse too, but that is for another time. I was terrified of my grandfather. He would beat me and then not let me go to school for a week so that I had time to heal up. Sometimes I would come to my senses in the bathroom downstairs (I slept upstairs) sobbing crunched into a corner. All that was flying through my head was that I had lost my grandfathers prize horse, and he was going to kill me when he caught me. It was so real, and I knew that I was dead. That is some pretty wicked stuff right there, if you ask me.

So, I have always had a burning hatred for those who abuse children. I feel that there is something spiritually, psychologically, emotionally and morally wrong with a person who can do that. There is also generally substance abuse or mental health associated with it. As well as I can remember, my grandfather had neither of those excuses. He was just evil. That is what I used to truly believe. As we grow, our perceptions change. Mine have.

Don't get me wrong, I am still filled with a righteous anger when I hear of cases of child abuse and neglect. The place I work at has had several clients whose children have died due to abuse. My heart weeps for the potential that the world was robbed of at the loss of those children. My heart also goes out to those who loved the children. I cannot imagine what the parents must go through when they lose their children and they are thinking right again.

I know that people are responsible for what they do, but there are many things that fuel the fire. Because of that, I have a righteous anger that is directed at things that contribute to the abuse and neglect of children. My anger is aimed at mental illnesses. It is aimed at the doctors and psychiatrists that have parents so doped up on opiates, benzodiazepines and muscle relaxers that they don't even know what month it is. Makes it kind of hard to feed your kids when you can't even force yourself to get out of bed. My anger is directed towards the people who manufacture and distribute drugs. Besides Satan, drugs are the only other thing I honestly hate. I think that there is nothing that makes Satan happier than methamphetamine.

Finally, my anger is aimed at the people who raise the parents who abuse their children. You see, I stopped hating my grandfather. I am not sure when it happened, but after I got saved I realized that I no longer hated him. Instead, I was filled with pity for him. Over time I got to a place where I forgave him for what he did to me. I am still saddened, because I wonder what must have happened to him when he was a child to make him that way. How did his parents treat him? What horrors did my grandfather go through in his life? I never asked, and I will never know what created the monster that I knew.