Songs of Recovery - Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day

I am 4 months removed from burying my father after he committed suicide. I have recently broken up with the mother of my 1 year old son, and she has not let me see him for several weeks. I am agnostic. I am broken. I am a functioning alcoholic who is working one full-time and one part-time job, I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I cannot complete a sentence without using the "F" word  and I am getting into fights semi-weekly. I still think convict and junkie every time that I look into a mirror, even though I have not done drugs other than alcohol for several years. No matter what I do, how many degrees I have, I still see myself as worthless and the only thing that really matters to me, my son, I am not able to see.

That is where I was a little over three years ago. Thankfully, I had several people that I knew reach out to me. One of them was Nate, who I worked with and the other was his wife Becca. They were 2 of the only Christians that I had ever met that did not judge me and that appeared to be genuine. They walked the walk instead of just talking it. They saw me, shattered and hopeless, and invited me to church. I would have said no, but they suckered me in with the BBQ that was after the service. If you saw me you would understand. I do not say no to food. In fact, I love food. BBQ just so happens to be near the top of the list when it comes to my favorite things to eat. That is probably the reason that I am currently on a diet. 18 pounds down, 37 pounds to go!

I remember several things about that day that made me feel welcome at their church, which is New Life Church. I have talked about the ink wall, which is the wall when you first walk into the church that has pictures of tattoos that people who attend New Life have, along with the meaning of the tattoo and where they got it done. Today, I will talk about the first song that they played in service and how it made me feel as I read the words of the screen that morning.

The song was a perfect song for my first experience with the church. It was Cry Out to Jesus by the band Third Day. It starts off:

                      To everyone who's lost someone they love
                      Long before it was their time
                      You feel like the days you had were not enough
                      when you said goodbye.

As I heard the band sing these words, tears formed in my eyes. All I could think about was my father, and how I did not get to really say goodbye. I thought about the last words that I ever said to him, face-to-face and how I could never take it back. I thought about all of the times that we talked and I took it for granted! I thought about the fact that my son would never be able to meet his grandfather, my father, the man that I call Superman (I blog about him here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-superman.html).
Then came the second stanza:

                                      And to all of the people with burdens and pains
                                      Keeping you back from your life
                                      You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
                                      Who can make it right.

The tears began to roll, as I thought of how miserable I was. I had tried substance abuse rehabilitation, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, Narcotic's Anonymous and Alcoholic's Anonymous but there was something that was missing. The only thing that I had found to work was alcohol, sex and violence. It took my mind off of my current and past problems and made it right for a while. But even that was only temporary, and I knew in my heart that nothing could change me, nothing could make it right. Then came the chorus:

                                There is hope for the helpless
                                Rest for the weary
                                Love for the broken heart
                                There is grace and forgiveness
                                Mercy and healing
                                He'll meet you wherever you are
                                Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

I continued to cry, I can remember this. I was the helpless, the weary, the broken hearted. This song could have been written about me. What could they possibly mean that there was hope, rest, love and mercy. I could not forgive myself, so how could anyone else forgive me. They did not realize who I was, that I was an addict, that I was evil and mean and hateful and arrogant and every other negative thing that I could possibly think of. There would never be love for me, because I could not even love myself. I was an addict, a junkie, the worst of the worst. Even though I was not using any more I was still a drunk, and I knew who I really was! Several stanzas later, God spoke to me again through music as I heard the entire congregation sing:
                                        

                For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
             You try to give up but you come back again
                Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
                  And your suffering

                 When your lonely
              And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
            You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
                Cry to Jesus

Wow, even me?!?! Even the addict was being talked about. My life was being mentioned. I had kept trying to change, but no matter what I did I was always still me. No matter how much I tried to change, what I took, where I moved, who I associated with I was still me. I was still miserable, I was worthless. Since when were addicts talked about inside of church, other than when the pastor said, "Don't be like these people!" I was lonely, I was suffering, and the whole world was crashing down on me. I was pretty sure that there was no help for me, but I had several friends that were in church that day with me, they had a program of recovery I had never tried called Celebrate Recovery, and the band actually rocked!

Maybe there was something different about church than what I was used to. Maybe they were not all judgemental and holier than thou.  Maybe I would give this place called New Life Church a chance. I still did not believe in God, but I felt a little better for the first time in a while. I felt accepted, I felt a little less stress, I felt a little more at ease than when I had walked in and I liked it. Yep, I decided, I will give this a chance and see what happens! Here I sit 3 years later, and the journey was definitely worth it. This is one of the songs that was truly instrumental in my still being alive today, in my being blessed with a life worth living. I went from hope-less to hope-filled. I took the road less traveled, and it has made all the difference in my life.

Tithing Part 2

Let me tell you a very interesting story about tithing. I had began tithing after I got saved. I made it a point to round up my tithing, because when it comes to tithing I want God to round up for me (figuratively speaking, of course). I had trouble tithing when I first decided to. There was no possible way that I could, but God had given me a life again so I owed it to Him to step out in faith. So I put my trust in Him, and tithed 10%. It worked out in the end.

I will tell that story in another blog entitled Tithing Part 1. I know that it probably should have came before a blog entitled Tithing Part 2, but it will not. I guess that I am not very good at chronological order, nor am I able to do simple addition very well. That for me would be true to form, because I have never been that great at history or math. Math was actually the only non-A grade on my transcript for my Associates Degree. Segue over, now on to the story.

After I got saved, the song "I'm Not Who I Was" impacted me. You could say that it was my anthem as a drug addicted convict who found hope and changed my life completely. I no longer was who I used to be. I found out that Brandon Heath, Francesca Battistelli and Leeland were performing in Springfield. The tickets were $10 for general admission, or $50 for VIP tickets. I wanted to get the VIP tickets, because with them came a meet and greet. I wanted the opportunity to give my testimony to Brandon Heath and let him know how much his song had impacted my life.

So when my paycheck came, I payed my bills and then set aside my tithe. After doing that I discovered that after my car and insurance payments came out the following week and after I tithed on Sunday I would not have the $100 to get the VIP tickets for my fiance and me. I would have the $20 for regular tickets, but not the extra $80 for the ones that I wanted.

I made a promise to myself and to God when I had gotten saved about tithing, and I was not about to backslide. The last thing that I wanted to do was lie to the one that I owed my new life to. I lied in my addiction, not in my recovery. I was not about to begin lying again. I refuse to give the Devil a place to start getting back in to my life. I worked for two decades to get him out of it. At least, that is how I see it.

So I went to church and tithed and tithed on Sunday. It was one of the hardest decisions that I had made in my early recovery, other than tithing at all. It did not make sense to me to give my money to God and the church at first. In Tithing I I will look at the Biblical reasons that I began tithing when I first got saved.

I just decided that seeing Brandon Heath would be amazing enough without meeting him, and that is what I was going to do. I loved his music, and really enjoyed the other two performers that he was touring with. I would tithe, and the following week I was going to see the concert with my fiance. I would buy the tickets the following day after I got off of work.

The next day I went home after work, changed and grabbed my mail before going to get my tickets. In the mail was a letter from my car company. I was in the middle of filing bankruptcy, and my car company wanted to give me the option to finish paying off  my car instead of writing it off. The letter said that the automatic payment that they would normally be taking out in two days was not coming out. I needed to fill out papers that stated I still wanted to buy the car. They were willing to allow me to miss a car payment and were dropping the percentage rate of my car loan if I completed the paperwork and called them. Not only was I able to not pay my car payment for that month, but the drop in the interest rate they were giving me dropped my car payment almost $100 a month.

To this day, I do not know why I went home and changed, or why I got my mail and opened it immediately. I never went home and changed, nor did I ever get the mail. I always let my roommate get the mail out of the mailbox and would grab it off of the end table where he put my mail. On that day I did not. To me, this was all a God thing. This was God showing me that if I put my trust in Him, He would provide for not only my needs but some of my wants.

Needless to say, I got to go to the Brandon Heath concert. It was amazing, and so was telling him my testimony. That too is another blog that I will write someday in the future. Cannot wait to share with you tomorrow morning. Hope that this week is a blessing for all of you!

Carmen Burgess

Buy this CD and sample a few of her other songs at her site: www.carmenburgess.com