No More Burning Bridges

A couple of people talked to me about the damage I am doing without realizing it. Sometimes I burned bridges and others times I simply put my foot in my mouth by speaking about things as candidly as I do that I am not an expert on. In fact, on occasion I speak on things that I have no idea about because my experiences have not given me the insight I need to talk on the subject. That in turn has made me sound ignorant, ill-informed and even offensive at times.

Due to this, I will try to keep my opinions centered on the things I know best. They are recovery, addiction, mental health issues, trauma, treatment,  parenting, weight struggles, my personal faith, positive ways to impact the communities we live in, stigma faced by people who struggle due to past addictions, mental health issues, trauma and criminality and how to overcome all of those things.

I need to do this for multiple reasons. We are filing the 501c3 paperwork for Better Life in Recovery and forming the board of directors next year. We are also planning to host 24 Better Life in Recovery events that will require many sponsors and volunteers. I need to build connections with the community, and tackling issues outside of my scope of expertise and passion is detrimental to me successfully attaining my immediate and future goals.  I need to stay focused, because  Better Life in Recovery has a lot of things coming up in the future. 

From now on, my blog Spiritual Spackle will contain blogs that address all of the areas I am passionate about. Better Life in Recovery is a new blog starting the first of the year. It will address stigma, stigma reduction, addiction, recovery, mental health issues and positive ways to impact the communities we live in as well as what I have learned through my personal recovery in 500 words or less. Sometime next year I will be starting a Better Life in Recovery podcast that will mimic what I address in the Better Life in Recovery blog

My posts on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter will follow this same plan, adding random things about my family and everything involving Chicago sporting events (other than the White Sox because they reduced the amount of Cubs games I see on WGN so they are dead to me). 

In making changes to what I speak about and adding more outreaches both on social networks and publicly, my hope is to continue making an impact on the communities I truly care about without alienating people along the way. I know the more people I turn off by speaking of things I have no knowledge of, the less impact I and by proxy Better Life in Recovery will have. If there are fewer  people listening, than the impact we have  on our communities is smaller and easier to ignore.

For those who had open and honest conversations with me, I appreciate your candor and hope I can use the feedback I received to have a far greater impact on the communities my heart leads me to reach out to. I want to unite people, not increase the divide that already exists between us. My goal is to afford Better Life in Recovery the opportunity to reach more people each and every day while becoming a force for the sharing of long-term recovery and the eradication of stigma.

In order to meet this endeavor, I will remain as extroverted and animated as I always have been. The difference will be a sharper focus, which will help both me and Better Life in Recovery get more things accomplished. Look forward to the upcoming year, hope you are able to join with us as we continue to share hope and reduce stigma while trumpeting a simple truth, THERE IS A BETTER LIFE IN RECOVERY!!

Putting Your Best Foot Forward in Recovery

What does putting your best foot forward mean?

It means you lead with your strongest selling point, your strengths. If I am applying for a job, that means my resume leads with my positives. If I am interviewing, I talk about my accomplishments. I steer the focus away from my deficits and towards my strengths. I also avoid buzz words that could leave a negative lasting impression on the person I am talking to.

Someone who does this well would be Donald Trump. Mr. Trump has filed bankruptcy 4 times. When he meets someone in the community, how do you think he refers to himself? “Hi, my name is Donald and I am a businessman who has filed bankruptcy 4 times.” Of course not, he refers to himself by his successes. When people think of him they think of his successful properties and TV show.

What does this have to do with recovery?

Everything!

“I’m David, and I’m a grateful recovering addict” is how I used to introduce myself. I stopped because it never felt right, and it did nothing to reduce the stigma the community leveraged against me which I felt personally. All the general public heard me say was ADDICT! They visualized a junkie and the conversation was over.

When I said recovering alcoholic, they heard recovering Alcoholic!! They picture me passed out in an alley snuggling a bottle of Ripple. To avoid this, I started introducing myself as, “David, and I’m in recovery.” I was fine with this for the last 5 years.

Recently I watched The Anonymous People. They talked about recovery language and it resonated with me. It reinforced how I felt and what I have been telling clients the past several years. They also added to it. You start with an introduction, add that you are in long-term recovery and define what long-term recovery means to you. Then you talk about an accomplishment from your recovery.

This is a great elevator speech, and allows you to answer any questions they might have and leave a lasting impression all at the same time. So in closing, I ask  you, which sounds better? Which leaves a better impression? Which of these introductions will you use?

1.      Hi, my name is David and I’m a grateful recovering addict and alcoholic.

2.      Hi, my name is David and I’m in recovery?

3.      Hi, my name is David and I’m in long-term recovery. What that means to me is that I have not used drugs or alcohol since January 31^st of 2009, and because of that I have been able to do start an organization called Better Life in Recovery whose mission is Transforming Lives with Recovery. If you have a minute I would love to talk to you about it.

For me, I rather enjoy the 3^rd one and will continue to use it. After all, I would rather put my best foot forward and lead with my positives!

Featured Write Up about Better Life in Recovery from Addiction Professional Magazine's November/December 2014 Issue by Gary Enos

In his role as an addiction counselor, David Stoecker figures he can have an impact on possibly around 100 people a year. As director of the community organization Better Life in Recovery (BLIR) in Springfield, Mo., Stoecker is looking to influence the lives and thoughts of thousands.

The community events that BLIR sponsors might seem modest when looked at in isolation, but Stoecker sees them as building local traditions and putting a public face on recovery. Maybe a river cleanup event will strengthen a recovering person's resolve to continue to give back in her daily life. Maybe seeing an elected leader throw out the first pitch before hundreds of recovering individuals at a ceremony preceding a minor-league baseball game will give a fan in the stands some pause to think about how substance abuse affects his world.

“The idea for BLIR started on a bike ride with my wife,” recalls Stoecker, 42. “I felt that I wasn't doing enough, but I wasn't sure what to do.”

He started the effort four years ago, around a year into his own recovery. “I was kind of letting things come to me at first,” he says. He knows exactly the moment when it became clear that he needed to turn up the intensity on his work in recovery advocacy: It happened when he read online comments posted by ordinary citizens reacting to the death of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.

“They disgusted me,” Stoecker says of the postings. “People were saying things like, 'See, these people never get better,' and 'Who cares? It's just another junkie.'”

 

Uncovering opportunities

Stoecker has recruited subcommittees to work on extending BLIR's mission, which its website describes as an effort “to deal hope and decimate stigma” surrounding addiction through educational and awareness events. The momentum for bringing on more assistance started when around three dozen local treatment and recovery leaders accepted his invitation to a meeting to discuss ways to change the language around addiction and recovery in Springfield. At that meeting he shared data about relapse, and his own resolve that the community could do better.

BLIR, which two years ago became a nonprofit organization, has been seeking closer partnerships with community entities such as the Springfield public schools. A group of people in recovery recently completed playground restoration work for the schools. Stoecker has even visited his 7-year-old's elementary school class, but he'd like the chance to speak before state legislators soon as well.

“We're reducing lengths of residential stay in Missouri,” he says. “We're going to create a revolving door and keep people mired in their addiction.”

Stoecker's wife is a videographer and has assisted in raising BLIR's visibility. Stoecker is also featured in a public service announcement that is frequently broadcast locally, and he is working on a documentary for which he is seeking grant funding, with the goal of being able to show the film in local schools. He says the organization that employs him as a counselor, Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, has strongly supported his efforts in the greater community.

“Community awareness and education, that's really my passion,” he says. “Fighting stigma head-on.”

Gave faith a chance

Stoecker, who grew up in Illinois, says he had started using substances by 7th grade. Moving to Missouri in part to escape the drug culture, he instead became introduced to methamphetamine and dropped out of high school during his senior year.

“I was in and out of jail,” he says. “I turned 21 in prison. I would end up getting my GED in prison.”
Stoecker experienced his own revolving door of treatment stays and life in the community, usually with little recovery support during periods at home. He had been abused during childhood and considered himself agnostic, but would later experience a shift toward the spiritual.

“I figured I had tried everything else, so I would give God a chance,” he says. “When I focused on recovery and faith, I never looked back.”

He attends 12-Step meetings at least once a week, usually gravitating to those that his counseling patients are unlikely to select.

Participation in BLIR events continues to grow, with 300 people involved in the ballpark event in Springfield in late August and 125 people running in a 5 and 10K event in town the following week. Stoecker is no longer willing to wait patiently for a community response to develop. “This all made me realize I couldn't sit back,” he says. “I had to be proactive.”

Reducing Stigma in Your Community

How do you reduce stigma? We have so much of it to battle, and it has existed for so long at times it seems insurmountable. After all, the attention is almost always focused on the negatives. We hear about celebrities dying of overdoses and their public behavior when they are intoxicated. The news is always splashed with stories about the drunk driver involved in the fatal accident, with reporters saying, “Authorities think drugs or alcohol may have been involved.”

According to the medical profession, alcoholism has been a disease since . In 1808 Benjamin Rush said, “My observations authorize me to say, that persons who have been addicted to them, should abstain from them suddenly and entirely, “Taste not, handle not, touch not' should be inscribed upon every vessel that contains spirits in the house of a man, who wishes to be cured of habits of intemperance.” He went on to say, "habitual drunkenness should be regarded not as a bad habit but as a disease"

In 1987 the AMA said, "drug dependencies, including alcoholism, are diseases and that their treatment is a legitimate part of medical practice." They went on to add coding to the ICD under both medical and psychiatric sections.  Alcohol and drug use has been identified as being a disease because it has biological, neurological, genetic and environmental origins and causes changes to our brains.

Yet we face the stigma because people say it was our choice to use. That may be true, but a lot of people have various health issues; diseases that they have control over.  Immediately coming to my mind is: lung cancer, obesity and diabetes. When someone survives lung cancer, even though they attributed to it be smoking for years, his victory over cancer is celebrated. When someone is in the middle of a crisis because of their diabetes, people rush to help them. I have never heard anyone say, “Who cares, they did it to themselves” even though that might be an accurate statement.

Most people struggling with a disease are surrounded by their friends, and praised for the efforts they are making. They are met with love, understanding, encouragement, compassion and empathy. Not so for most of us who struggle with the disease of addiction. We are met with apathy and occasionally sympathy. We are looked down on frequently when we visit emergency rooms and urgent cares. Something has to change, and here are examples just from this year:

·         I had people not buy tickets to the Recovery Day at Hammons Field because they were worried the parents of their kids friends might be at the game, “If they were to see me with the recovery group and find out about my past I am afraid they wouldn’t let their kids play with mine.

·         When Phillip Seymour Hoffman died, the comments on social media were horrible, “Who cares, just another dead junkie” and “He was sober for a while and relapsed. These people never get better.”

·         When Hallie was murdered, “Who ever did that had to be taking something,” This implies that drugs and alcohol are the cause of evil in our world. Evil is evil, no matter.

We have a lot of changes we need to make in order to combat the stigma that exists. Here is what we have been trying locally. We still have a lot more to do, but we had a great start and things will only be getting bigger based on what follows.

In 2013 we had a couple of events:

1.       River Clean Up float trip that 5 people went on. We met in the morning, floated, then left.

2.       BBQ for Recovery Month that was attended by around 100 people.  We had hot dogs and games and gave away about $1,000 worth of stuff.

3.       Baseball game attended by 15 people in recovery.

In 2014 we grew and accomplished more:

1.       River clean up that was attended by 75 people. We got there in the afternoon for live music, BBQ, prizes and 3 speakers from 3 different fellowships. We had a speaker from AA, NA and Celebrate Recovery then we finished the night with smores and a camp out. The following morning we had a pancake breakfast and floated and cleaned up the river followed by more prizes.  The cost was only $20 a person!

2.       5K/10K Recovery Run and Family Friendly BBQ. We had 125 people register to run, then after the run had BBQ chicken and sides, bounce houses, temporary tattoos, face painting, free massages from massage therapists, adjustments from a chiropractor not to mention door prizes. The cost was 30 for the 5K, 40 for the 10K and the BBQ was open to the public and it was free! Senator Dixon presented a proclamation for recovery month from the state and Councilman Compton presented a proclamation from the city of Springfield!

3.       We had recovery day at Hammons Field that was attended by 300 people who were either in recovery, worked with people in recovery or loved someone in recovery. State Rep Eric Burlison came and threw out the first pitch to support us while we had a parade around the field that had come out to support recovery day.

4.       We partnered with Springfield Public Schools and painted 2 elementary school play grounds over the summer.

5.       I presented at the annual Voice and Choice Conference about what BLiR was doing locally and  how it could be duplicated by other people in other areas.

6.       We have partnered with SoBear, which is a sober collegiate community at Missouri State, and are screening “The Anonymous People” next Monday at 6 followed by a panel discussion with door prizes including an iPad and a $100 Visa gift card.

7.       We will be featured in Addiction Professional Magazine, I made a recovery PSA with KY3, Ozark Journal did a piece on BLiR and BLiR was on KY3 news twice and KOLR10 once. 

I cannot wait to see what is coming next year, as there are talks of starting a community garden and a stream team. BLiR will be attempting to do 24 education, awareness and service projects in 2015! I am in the middle of writing the 501c3 paperwork so it can get filed and we will be forming a board. We are busy and it will only be getting better, but WE NEED YOUR HELP!!!

If this is something that interests you or you can do, we will take all the help we can get. Whether it is donating time, money, experience, writing grants, volunteering, becoming a founding board member or just enjoying the events when we have them contact me and I will add you to the mailing list. Together we WILL reduce stigma while celebrating people who are in long-term recovery!!!

If you are in the Springfield, MO area and are wondering what we are doing, come by Plaster Student Union at Missouri State University at 6 P.M. tonight and see the documentary that is getting people excited about recovery. Admission is free and open to the public. Door prizes include an iPad and a $100 Visa gift card. Stay after the screening for a panel discussion and an opportunity to ask any questions you may have!

I Used to be an Addict.............

Everyone wants a magical cure, especially addicts. That is the dream. We as addicts want not only a cure, but we want it quick and easy. After all, it I could be cured from my addiction than I could once again be just like everybody else. I could be normal. That would be amazing.

That is the promise from Passages, will locations in Malibu and Ventura. Their trademarked slogan is "At Passages - Addiction Ends Here." How comforting that must be, to know that all I have to do is go to one of their places and my addiction will end. How can Passages make such a lofty claim? Because Pax has been clean now for over a decade and was helped by his father Chris, who did self-help seminars to make people successful.

Based off of the experiences that Pax Prentiss and his father had with the addiction Pax struggled with, they have figured it out for everyone. I guess that when it comes to recovery, one size fits all. That is so good to know, that what works for one person can be "guaranteed" to help everyone else. Because of that, they claim to do treatment different from everyone else.

For starters, they have a cure for something that is not a disease. Passages states that after all of their research they have discovered that the entire medical and psychiatric field is wrong. Addiction is not a disease. Since it is not a disease, they have a cure. Unfortunately, all of the research I have read has stated that addiction is a brain disease. They base that off of the changes that occur in the brain chemistry and wiring using that pesky scientific model and research that can be duplicated.

Next, they claim that the 12 steps are antiquated, much like the disease model of addiction. Passages Malibu claims to have cured thousands. of people. The antiquated 12 steps, on the other hand, have helped millions find long-term recovery. I guess that you can make any claim that you want, warranted you are not asked to provide any research to back it  up.

I want to add that I don't disbelieve all of what Passages says and does. They use psychotherapy, or one-on-one individual counseling, as the core of their practice. I fully believe in that. Use evidence-based practices to treat the disease of addiction. They also state that the drug/alcohol is not the problem. Instead, there is another issue that drugs/alcohol are used to numb and escape from. I also agree with that.

In fact, that is the reason why people who go to 12 step meetings are expected to get a sponsor and work the steps with that sponsor. That is why all treatment providers that I know of do co-occurring, trauma, CBT, Adlerian, Gestalt, Psychoanalytic, Family and narrative therapies with their clients. These methods are all used to work  through the "why" of our use. It has been that way since the inception of the 12 steps Passages makes it sound like they invented it, but it has been done for quit some time now.

They also stress exercise, watching what you eat, meditating and taking better care of yourself. This is vastly important, because most of us while our addiction is active don't take very good care of ourselves at all. Add the anxiety, depression and trauma that most of us deal with and you have a perfect storm for unhealthy physical habits to kick in.

Passages is also big on activities such as Tai Chi, Yoga, Ropes, hiking and team sports that are obviously done all by yourself, because they don't believe in group therapy according to their website. I agree with all of these as viable modes of treatment, but all of these sound like what other places call group therapy. Why do other places call it group therapy? Because it is a form of therapy and it is done with other people, ie a group. Hard to have team building without a team.

Group therapy also allows you to find support and build accountability partners. The 12 step support meetings allow for us to do the same thing. Yet, according to the Passages website these are outdated and don't work. I personally swear by them, and I have met thousands of other people who have used them to find and keep long-term recovery. Many of them I have met have been clean and sober since before Passages started. Guess I should tell them the method they have used to attain multiple decades of sobriety isn't effective.  

The price tag of Passages is amazing. Last I looked it was about $65,000 at Malibu and $40,000 at Ventura..................a month!!!! Chris Prentice is good at making money, and he found a new hustle his son could enjoy so that he would no longer feel the need to hustle on the streets. Instead, they found a legal hustle that leads to the death and destruction of others. That scares me!

For as much as Passages says they are interested in helping others, they set many up for relapse if not death. You see, if I am cured, than I can use again. End of discussion. If I discover why I drink and/or drug by working through my past problems, than I can now drink and drug again without a problem. That will lead to relapse, and the next relapse someone has could very well be the one that kills them.

You see, I have worked through the abuse of my childhood and multiple other intense traumas. I have worked through the memory of dying more times than I can count on one hand, gong to jail umpteen times and finally going to prison. I have forgiven and accepted all that I have done in the past because it makes me the person I am today. I define myself today not by  my addiction, but by my recovery.

That said, I never want to forget my past. Not only did it make me the person I am today, it gave me knowledge of my limitations. I have a disease that makes me unable to use drugs and alcohol like "normal" people. I will always have that inability. Some call it an allergy, but based on science it is a disease and it has no known cure. However, I have found that through the 5 Pillars it can be managed!

The 5 Pillars

1.  Higher Power - Find something bigger than yourself that can give you acceptance, love, respect, forgiveness and validation. The only thing I have found that works for me is Christ. I have seen others use the fellowship. 
2. Meetings - Find a place where you can get support and feedback from peers. I get the most hope from speaker meetings and Celebrate Recovery testimony nights. 
3. 12 Steps - Find a game plan to change the way you live your life. I use both the 12 steps and the Bible, as they compliment each other in many ways and both lead me to a richer and more fulfilling life. 
4. Sponsor/Mentor -  Find someone who has the life  you would like to have in 5 years and ask them to teach you how they got there. This is the person who will help you apply the 12 steps, kind of like a coach teaching you a game plan for success.
5. Accountability Partners - Find people who you can depend on who are not afraid to call you out when you are falling short, support you when you are struggling and encourage you when things are going well 

There is one thing I would add to the 5 pillars that many people are missing, and it makes all of the difference, community service. Community service puts us back into the communities we live in, and instead of taking them for all they can give us we instead are giving all that we can back. It helps us reengage with our community and once again feel a part of it. Service work is very important for my sobriety, community service is vital for my recovery. 

Not Feeling Well, but Your Life Can Be Better (Just follow these 8 steps)

My blogs generally go out on Mondays, and this Monday I could not sent out an email, as I could not type. My fingers, wrists, elbow, shoulder, knee, ankle and neck were all sore. Most of those joints were also swollen and the pain was actually pretty intense. It was bad enough that I went to urgent care yesterday, were I got to spend about 5 hours of my life.

I could insert joke about urgent here, but they were really busy and they got me back to a room pretty quickly. Then they sent me to a lab so they could draw 5 vials of blood from me for testing. Some of those tests we got back quickly, one we will not get back until today and the others we will get back in a week or so.

What we found is that I had pain in multiple joints and swelling in my hands and wrists. I had a low white blood cell count, elevated sedimentation rate, elevated liver enzymes and low globulin. Another test showed that I was normal for Rheumatoid arthritis, but my doctor said that could happen and me still have it. Finally, I get the connective tissue diseases results back today and the tick studies will be back in up to a week.

What I know is that I have a doctor from rheumatology I will be seeing, as soon as they call to set up the appointment. I have a follow up with a PCP (this stands for Primary Care Physician, not the drug phencyclidine) once his office calls to set it up. The doctor is leaning towards either a tick bite or rheumatoid arthritis at this point with the test results he has seen so far.

I also have a procedure next Friday for my internal problems I have been struggling with. None of this is said to concern you, but at the age of 42 I am pretty certain that I would not be having a lot of the issues that I am currently having if not for 2 plus decades of substance abuse and my lack of consistency with a healthy diet and exercise currently.

So, if you have not yet done drugs I encourage you not to. I had to get all fake teeth put in at 30 due to rotting all of my teeth out from my methamphetamine use. I have horrible internal issues that act up most times I eat anything. I have a son and daughter that I might or might not get to see grow up, because of all of the damage I have done to my body.

If you are doing drugs, I encourage you to quit now. Most of my old running buddies are either dead or in prison for 10 year plus sentences. I am working and get to spend time with my wife and children and play at the park with them. Trust me; this recovery thing is everything they tell you it is. There is a better life in recovery, and I am living proof!

There are some requirements to recovery, and I would say that everyone can benefit from them whether they struggle with addictions or not. Here are 8 of my requirements to living a better life. I start with my 5 Pillars and add a few more:

1. Higher Power – Find something bigger than you that gives you validation, forgiveness, compassion and love. I use Jesus, others use their home group. Find what works best for you and latch onto it!
2. Sponsor/Mentor – Find someone whose life you would like to have in 5 years (family life, finances, spirituality, faith, sobriety, etc.) and ask them to help guide you in that pursuit.
3. Accountability Partners - Find people with similar goals, for themselves and for you, and give them permission to call you out. This could be people you work with, live with, go to church with, go to meetings with or just meet once a week for coffee.
4. 12 Steps/Biblical - Find a plan that can guide you in the way you want to live your life and just do it. I wholly believe in the 12 steps and have seen people use them for so much more than just drug/alcohol addiction. I have seen them used to work through depression, anxiety, eating issues, divorce, pornography, codependency and a lot more. They can cure your hurts, habits and hang-ups.
5. Meetings/Groups – Find groups of people with similar struggles who are trying to overcome them. If you cannot find a group that fits your bill, than start one. These can be anything from Alcoholics Anonymous to Celebrate Recovery to Support groups for survivors of cancer or suicide to small groups that give education on having a happy home life and everything in between.
6. Drop the Zeroes – If you have friends that are not trying to better their lives, and they don’t support you bettering yours than lose them. You are either for me or against me, there is no middle ground. This is no different than a team letting players go to insure it can be successful. Stick with the winners and win with the people who stick around, keep coming back and consistently do and say the right thing.
7. Meditation/Prayer – When life is going great or it is going poorly, these two will always make the day better. Focus on positive things in your life, express your gratitude and ask to do and be more! 
8. Community Service - Give back to the community you live in by getting involved in something that focuses on making your community better. Service work is vital, but community service work is so much more fulfilling. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and I actually felt that I was a part of my community again. Try it and you will see what I mean!

There is a lot more, but this is a great start. I have never seen someone who committed themselves to these 8 things fail in their sobriety. It is just too hard to find time to mess up. Put the same amount of effort you put into your addiction into your recovery and watch it GROW!!!

You Think You High but You're Really Getting Low

I was listening to LeCrae’s song Blow Your High yesterday and there is part of his chorus that always catches my ear because of its’ truth, “You think you high but you really getting low.” Every time I hear that I am reminded of my own past, and the reality of addiction. I loved the way it felt when I first used, but by the end I hated it so much but could not quit. When I first used, bad things in life had happened to me. By the end, I was the bad thing that had happened to other people.

My first use was with a group of kids, and I instantly felt a connection to them. It was incredible. I had never really felt like I belonged anywhere and suddenly I was part of a group. All of the painful things I had been through and all the stress I felt instantly melted away.  I had always heard how horrible drugs were in school, and I knew that they had lied to me the first time I tried them.

Drugs were not horrible. In fact, they were quite the opposite. For once, I did not have to put up walls to hide my feelings from others. I could let them see how I really felt. I laughed, I lived and I loved constantly. I was using drugs, and the more I used the better I felt. The better I felt, the more social I became.  I was the life of the party, the center of attention. It felt great and I loved it.

At this point in my life, I was flying high. I was in Junior High and then High School, using to escape my past and create a new reality. I was having fun, acting crazy outside of school and doing pretty well inside of it. I was happy, but only because I was not dealing with life’s problems. In addiction things are often not as they appear.

I went from a stoner in junior high while I was living in Highland to a partying prep when I moved to Eldorado for high school. My junior year I began to get into trouble, drinking too much liquor and smoking too much marijuana. I moved to Hollister for my senior year and was introduced to methamphetamine. It was by far the best thing I had ever done.

To this day, I have never felt anything that compares to the rush I got from doing meth. It was AWESOME!!!! It made me feel so great. I felt so great that I wanted that feeling all of the time. In my previous addiction I would sometimes skip classes so that I could get high. I would get drunk every weekend, several times. But I still had a semblance of a life. With meth, everything faded but the drug.

In my previous use, I vandalized and swiped money and credit cards from my dad. I kept my grades up and I was a prep at school. With meth, I dropped out of school and started stealing so that I could afford to continue using. From there I started dealing meth and marijuana so that I could continue to use meth.

I was in and out of jail 15 or 20 times. I eventually wound up in prison, where I turned 21. I was on probation, parole, in jail or in prison from 17 until I was 29. I hurt people I considered friends: physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually and spiritually. I stole from people, a lot. I introduced people to methamphetamine and the drug lifestyle. Many of those people are either in prison or dead.

Mister social, with tons of friends at the parties every night, ended up unconscious in a pool full of my own blood after slashing my wrists. Luckily, someone found me before it was too late. The guy who always had parties at his house, ended up all alone locked up in his room with a  needle in his arm while everyone else partied because I didn’t want them to know I was shooting up. Then I only started hanging out with other people who shot up.  

I was no longer doing drugs, the drugs were doing me. I was no longer using to have fun, I was using just to feel less bad. That is the lie many who have never struggled with addiction believe, that we use because we are having fun and life is amazing. The truth is, we often start using to escape life and end up addicted because we can no longer function without it.

I needed drugs to get out of bed. I needed drugs to think. I was sluggish; operating at less than 50 percent and when I used it would lift me to 75 percent. I never felt great, I always felt bad. Using allowed me to feel less bad. Depression that I had once been able to escape and numb from returned and was even worse. Not feeling like I fit in was replaced by social acceptance and that in turn was replaced by paranoia and lack of trust for everybody.

What had started out as freeing in the end became my prison! LeCrae’s lyrics remind me of a saying I heard once at an NA meeting, “Drugs gave me wings, then they took my sky away.” That was the reality of drugs. I have seen that occur not only in my life, but in the lives of countless others. We continually make choices that we swore we would never make and cross lines we never imagined we would cross.

In order to avoid this, don’t use. If you are using, stop. Although this is easier said than done, it is not only  a possibility but a reality if you apply the 5 Pillars of Recovery to your life:

1.       Higher Power: Find something that gives you hope, validation, forgiveness and more. I found that through Jesus Christ, others have found it through the fellowship. Find something bigger than you!

2.       Meetings: Find a community of people who have struggled as you are struggling and have overcome it. This is another great place to gain strength, experience and hope. Some use AA, NA, Celebrate Recovery, Rational Recovery, small groups or an amalgam of the above.

3.       12 Steps: Find a game plan that will help you live your life better. I have found both the 12 Steps and the book of James have been great advice on how to remain sober while building a great foundation for my life as long as I apply them in my life and then follow them daily.

4.       Sponsor/Mentor: Find someone whose life you would like to have in 5 years and ask them to help you get there. If you are working the 12 steps, find someone who has applied them to their lives successfully and have them help you work through them.

5.       Accountability Partners: Put people in your life that will support your future goals and hold you accountable. They have permission to call you out and to support you, through the good and the bad and they are not afraid to do it.

So in closing, although drugs and alcohol may make you feel great at first, for many there are negative consequences down the road. When those occur, there is a solution that can help you get your life back on track and the 5 Pillars of Recovery are a great place to start. I have never seen someone who was actively engaging in all 5 who went back out and stayed there! Never forget, there is a better life in recovery!

Evil Exists

I had a gun to her head. She had turned me over to the police, made a deal with them so that she could get out of trouble. A week previous, I had come home after doing a burn (making a batch of methamphetamine) with several ounces of meth and took a shower. When I got out of the shower, there were people in my house tearing it apart that identified themselves as police. She had let them in to search. They found the meth I had brought home and arrested me.

When you get arrested, you eventually get out. I got out sooner than she thought I would. They held me for 24 hours and then let me go. She was still there when I showed up at home. I went straight to a stash spot they had not uncovered, grabbed my gun, chambered a round and grabbed her by the hair. I pushed her to the ground while putting my gun to the back of her head.

Time stopped. It was like a slow motion scene in a movie. She started crying, telling me she was sorry.  “I didn’t want to tell on you. They pulled me over with drugs and were going to put me in jail. I didn’t have a choice.” My companion was screaming at me as well, “Pull the trigger, coward. Don’t get scared now. You HAVE to do this.”

At that moment, I only knew a few things. One, I was about to make a choice I could never take back. I prided myself on never hitting a girl, and I was preparing to take one’s life. Second, although I was not sure I wanted to kill her, I knew my companion wanted me to pull the trigger and put her out of her misery. Finally, I knew that my companion was evil beyond anyone or thing I had ever met.

My companion always wanted me to hurt either myself or other people. He was there a lot in the shadows, but he only came around when things were getting ready to turn bad. He would encourage me to do the absolute worst thing. If I was going to collect money, he would remind me to take my gun. If I was in a fight, his would be the voice telling me not to quit punching and kicking long after the fight was over. If I was in a house of people I didn’t know, he would whisper in my ear, “They want to kill you. They are going to kill you. You should get them first.”

If I was thinking about quitting drugs, he would show up and remind me of all the times I had tried to quit and failed. “You have been using for over half your life. You’re never going to be able to quit. This is the only thing you are good at. You are not a quitter. DO IT! You know you want to get high. You can’t live without it.”

This time, my companion was not giving up. He was screaming at me, “Pull the trigger, coward. She tried to take your freedom away.” I turned to look at where the voice was coming from and saw my companion. He was a figure blacker than black. He was standing right behind me, darker than any shadow could possibly be. He was not all smooth lines, but his outline was jagged and rough.

I could never make out any features of his face, as his face was always dark and cloaked in shadow. The most remarkable thing about him was his eyes. They were pulsating, red eyes that burned into me every time he looked at me. The scariest thing was not the eyes, or even him being beside me in my ear but his voice. He never spoke, he shrieked and screamed and yelled. Even his whispers oozed with rage and hate.

People have asked me if he was just a shadow person. He had started out that way. Shadow people are there when you have been up too long. They come out of trees, around corners, run by you so fast you can only catch a glimpse. When you look, the figure fades away, blends in or is gone. You’re mind is unable to explain what you see, so it explains them away to something you can understand.

I was an atheist when my companion was still a shadow person, and did not believe in spirits. I rationalized what I was seeing. I would tell myself it was the wind blowing a branch, or the fact I had been up for a week and had psychosis. Sometimes I thought maybe it was the police watching me, waiting to arrest me. That is the reason so many people think they are being watched when they are not. The shadow people become COMET or DEA to them. That is what they were to me. The problem was, they seemed real and I shared the visions with other people who were with me.

If I was alone I only saw him. When I was by myself, it was just the solitary shadow man. I have talked to some people who saw groups when they are alone. Not me, I generally saw just one. When around other needle freaks, I would see more than just one. They would stand around in a group, almost like they were talking. Maybe our demons were comparing notes or sharing new ways to get us to do things we didn’t want to.

I would explain it away as a group hallucination, telling myself it was sleep deprivation or my mind playing tricks on me. Over time I started seeing him constantly in the shadows, or out of the corner of my eye. The bad part was that I was starting to see him when I was not high. He was always there lurking.

That was how it began for me, with my shadow man. Then I started to hear whispers that I could not quite make out. That advanced to the voice actually speaking to me, telling me what to do. At first the voice was harmless, encouraging my drug use and validating what I was thinking on occasion when I would think out loud. Then it began to tell me to do horrible things, to myself and to others. It was no longer a whisper, it was a scream.  Yelling and nagging at me to do things.

Then one day it appeared before me. I saw something out of the corner of my eye and when I turned to look, it was still there in the shadows watching me. From that day on he would randomly appear next to me, often at the times I was at my weakest, angriest or highest. Always egging me on, encouraging me to do the worst possible thing to either myself or other people.

There were times, like when I was contemplating not using after waking up Sunday, he would show up and remind me that I had never been able to quit and would never be able to. Today I was angry, and it was telling me to do what a part of me wanted and another part of me did not. It was telling me to pull the trigger. I was seriously thinking about it.

I started trying to reason with my companion, “I can’t pull the trigger. I really don’t want to do this.” My girlfriend started talking back to me, thinking that I was talking to her, “Then put the gun down, David. I know you don’t want to shoot me.”  I pulled her head back and started laughing in her face as I told her I wasn’t talking to her. “Who are you talking to then,” she asked? “The demon standing behind me, can’t you see him? He wants me to kill you and part of me wants to kill you as well.”

I am not sure if he showed himself to her or if the craziness of what I said scared her but as she looked behind me her face turned to sheer terror and she started screaming. Not yelling at me like she had been, trying to plead with me. There were no words, just a shrill keening. Her face froze as her eyes went wide.

I had never seen such an intense look of terror before.  The gun to her head had not caused that look of fear, but either her seeing my companion or the insanity she saw in me scared her to death. I took the gun away from her head and pulled her off her knees. “You have one hour to get your stuff and go. You have until tomorrow to be gone. You are going to leave state and go back home. I never want to see you again, or it will be a bad deal,” I told her.

She did not speak. All she did was nod and run out the door. I never saw or heard from her again. She lived with me and she left all of her stuff with me. She left her clothes, make up, purse, everything. She left it all and disappeared.

Looking back now, I hope she made it home and out of her addiction. I pray she is somewhere clean and sober, living a better life in recovery. If you are reading this, and you know who you are, I hope that you can forgive me. You are just one of the people I met in my addiction whose life I wrecked. 

When my shadow person stopped being a shadow person lurking about and started talking to me and had taken form, I stopped being an atheist. I knew that my companion was evil and that he was a spirit. He made me an agnostic, because if he existed than surely other spirits did as well. Or was it all from my imagination and random misfiring neurons in my brain? Was it the drugs working on my brain? Even when I was not high, I still had drugs in my system so it could have been that as well.

I have thought about it for years. I have talked to many other addicts who have shared the same experience that I have with my companion. Due to so many others having very similar if not the same stories, I have come to believe that my companion was a demon, and that when I was using drugs I opened myself up to forces that were evil beyond comprehension.

What is even scarier is the period of my life from 1994 – 2001 and how little memory I have of that 7 years. I almost wonder if I wasn’t possessed for large parts of that time, or if the memories just didn’t form because of all the drugs I was using and the lack of sleep I experienced. I have come to a place where I hold on to a few things about this time in my life so that I can function today:

1.      I know that evil exists and at one period in my life I made very evil choices

2.      I know that nothing good lived in me during my addiction and that all people are capable of doing things they never would believe they would do

3.      I know I am no longer the person I was in my addiction, for I have found a better life in recovery

4.      I know that I have made my life a living amends so that I can help rebuild other people’s lives today instead of destroying them like I once did

5.      I know I believe in a Higher Power I call Jesus that has freed me from my addiction and supports, encourages and guides me in all that I do today

This is actually the rough draft of the first chapter of the book I am writing. I am open to feedback. It is a little rough, but I feel that it gives people an idea of how far down I had gotten in my addiction. I also would ask that if you have had similar experiences or thoughts on what I experiences that you leave comments as I would be very interested in hearing what you have to say.

Healed People Heal People

I am sure you know the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.”  That saying means that when people are hurting, they tend to lash out and hurt others. It may be unintentional, like snapping on someone you love as soon as you get home after a long day of your boss jumping all over you like he was a 10 year old in a bounce house. It could be more intentional, you are getting abused at home by your dad so you go to school and bully kids weaker than you so that you can feel power.

If hurt people hurt people, then the opposite is true as well. Healed people heal people. Once I have overcome something, I have a unique insight into what I went through that most people don’t have. For example, I spent 25 years of my life in addiction. I have now been clean and sober for over 5 years. I know what it takes to get clean and stay that way. I can share what has helped me, what I have seen help others as well as the science that has validated some forms of treatment to be evidence-based practices.

I have several close friends, that have been diagnosed with cancer and after treatment are now either cancer-free or in remission. They have unique perspectives that I lack. One, they have been diagnosed with cancer. I have no idea what that feels like, to be diagnosed with cancer. I have never had cancer, so although I can have empathy and support someone who has cancer, my friends come from a place of wisdom that I don’t have. Second, that they have overcome that cancer through treatment. They are living proof that surviving a cancer diagnosis is not only possible, but a reality because they have first hand knowledge. They can help people that I cannot because of having lived through cancer.

Everybody has been through something. We all have been hurt in one way or another. It could be physical abuse, sexual abuse, feeling fat, being told we are worthless, being bullied, depression, cancer, child of an alcoholic/addict, grief and loss, etc. I am sure you get the idea, there are a lot of ways life hurts us. Life puts holes in our souls.

Once those holes are placed, many of us use something to escape, numb or forget the hole is there. Food, sex, money, cutting, power, alcohol and other drugs are a few of the things we use as band-aids to numb/escape our past. These bandages don’t heal the problem, they just cover them up. They are still festering underneath and more issues are being added to it.  

Fortunately, some of us figured out how to stop covering the problem up. We have learned what it takes to fix the problem. Once we have learned how to deal with the holes instead of running from them, we have unique wisdom that only someone who has gone through what we have gone through has. Once we have that wisdom, we can impart it to others. That is all part of what I call my garbage theory, which you can read about here:http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/10/why-mehow-can-i-make-peace-with-my-past_25.html

Many people live with regrets about their past choices and things that have happened to them. I have learned to embrace mine. I am not defined by them, but instead I define myself by my recovery. I realize that all those events led me to be the person I am today. The person I am today helps people, and if it was not for everything I have been through, I would not be as effective in doing that.

The same is true for you. Everyone has survived or lived through something that had an impact on them. Never forget that the past has made you who you are, and the person you are today is awesome and will only get better with time. To quote a dead jazz singer, “My God don’t make no junk.” You are not junk, and there is no reason to let your past issues define you. My past did not defeat me, instead it made me stronger and wiser than I ever would have been without it. The same is true for you!  

Why Stigma Exists

Stigma exists because we allow it to. I will get into who we is later. First, I would like to talk about the people who I thought would stigmatize me and how their reactions turned out to be. I had preconceived notions about various people in the community, organizations in the community, and the stigma they would treat me with.

I wanted to blame the media. They are really easy to put the blame on, because the media publishes the stories about the crazy stuff that is done by people. That said, they report the crazy stuff done by sober people and people who are under the influence of chemicals. They also publish positive things done by people in recovery. I know that to be a fact, because I have seen articles published in the paper and multiple news stories on television and radio about what my organization does.

I wanted to blame the court system. After all, they sent me to prison and they arrested me on multiple occasions. Surely, they would stigmatize me and hold my past against me. Instead, they refer people to me BECAUSE of my past. I counsel individuals through the court system because of my past and where I am today. Surely I can help someone get to where I am because I was able to get there myself.

I wanted to blame employers, because they would only see me for my past and due to my actions they would never hire me. I was unemployable and I knew this because I had heard so many other people in my situation complain. The truth is, I have never had a problem getting a job. For a while, I was working multiple jobs and they all knew that I was in recovery and that I was a convicted felon. They even let me handle money and gave me keys to their businesses.

I wanted to blame the police, because they would always find reasons to pull me over and then would treat me like a piece of garbage when I did. Instead, I found that they frequently get behind me and don’t pull me over. The times that I have been pulled over, they generally treat me as well as I treat them. Have I had bad experiences in the past? Yes, and I will probably have them in the future. I have also had bad experiences at restaurants, yet I don’t glare at one in disgust every time I drive by one. There are good and bad in all people and all organizations. That is just part of life.

I wanted to blame the judgmental people in the churches, because they never would forgive me and would always judge me based on my past drug use and criminal record. What I found was they did not. I have shared my testimony in many churches, talking about being abused as a child, my addiction, my criminal record and my recovery and they ask me to come back. Several churches have entrusted me with keys to their facilities.

I wanted to blame my family. Surely they would always see me as the unreliable person I was for 20 plus years. They knew me best and had to deal with me on occasion, and those occasions were never pleasant. Instead, I have found that my mother who would not trust me in her house unless she was there let me move in so that I could get back on my feet.  I was the first person not living in the same home as my sister she trusted to watch her daughter.

Instead, the more I have stepped out into the community talking openly about both my issues and my recover, the more I have been accepted. I wish I could say that about a lot of the recovery community at large. I am met with resistance from a lot of recovery organizations because of how vocal I am in the community. I am met with resistance when I try to do events that combine the recovery communities together under one event.

Stigma exists because the recovery community allows it to. We are largely non-vocal. Instead, we try our best to stay anonymous. I realize why we do this. I was once one of those people who never talked about my past. It was over and I did not want to talk about it. Yet that did not stop me from telling war stories and reliving good old days with people.

I felt safe speaking around people who had been were I had been and was fearful of talking to people about my past that had not lived it themselves. I created my own stigma, out of fear of being judged or looked down on by other people. I was consumed by rage and depression because of this. Of course, I would never admit the depression so it all came out in anger.

By judging other people because I thought they would judge me, I robbed many people of the experience I had gained from my past. I also never gave them an opportunity to prove me wrong. We have to reach a point in our lives where shame does not exist. A place where we like ourselves and realize that without us making the choices we made in our past we would not be the people we are today. The people we are today are strong, wise people who can deal hope to the hopeless and save lives!

Instead, we remain anonymous. We need to realize that anonymity protects the people we are in groups with, but that does not mean we have to stay anonymous ourselves. You can talk about your recovery as much as you want. You can fly your recovery flag EVERYWHERE you go. Be bold and proud. Remember to represent recovery well. That is our language, our dress, our attitudes…….in fact, everything about us reflects on other people in recovery.

The squeaky wheel gets the oil, which means those who are loudest get the most attention. We need to make sure that we in recovery have a voice. That we use that voice to talk about the positive things we do today, then back that up by giving back to the community under the guise of a person who is in recovery. That way we can begin to reduce the stigma people see us with because we stop seeing ourselves as stigmatized.

Does stigma still exist? I can answer that with a resounding yes! Part of the problem, maybe even a majority of the problem we face today is of our own making. We have to find a voice. We have to educate our communities, make them aware of all the things people in recovery are capable of and do community service to give back to the communities we live in. That is a lot to put on one plate, but it must all be done.

That is where I find myself today. Wondering how I can begin making the portions on that plate smaller. I know that it can be done. I just have to figure out how I can primarily focus on stigma reduction through community education, service and awareness events. Part-time I can make a dent, full-time I could make a hole. If you have any suggestions, let me know. I am wide open to anything that can help me continue to make an impact!

Why I'll Never Use Again

I spent a majority of my life transitioning from one phase to the next in my spiritual walk. I have run the gamut from Jehovah’s Witness to atheist and back to a follower of Christ over the course of my life. I now know I will spend the rest of my life growing spiritually and never truly reaching the apex of my spiritual walk. I am perfectly okay with that. It is all about progress, not perfection.

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents went to church three times a week, and I went with them. Then I was molested by someone from my church, watched my father as his alcoholism progressed and witnessed my mother and father screaming at each other on the way to church then get out with fake smiles on their faces once we got there acting like we were the perfect family. By the time my mother left my dad and sent us to live with her father, I was lost and confused. My grandfather was an atheist, and he was also the most evil and abusive person I have ever met. My family leeched my hope and trust in anything from me.

I knew that I wanted to be nothing like any of them, so I became agnostic. There might or might not be something there, I was unsure. This is basically the flip flop option of spirituality. I refuse to commit to one side or the other, instead I balance on the fence with a precipice on either side I am unwilling to jump in to. Over time, I did commit to one side. I leaped headfirst into the atheist side. I could belittle others for their beliefs in that fairy tale they called religion. I felt that this side made me smarter, and if nothing I did really mattered that I could continue to live the life I wanted to.  After all, everything was random.

As an addict, I lacked concern for anything other than my next high or drunk. Anything that hindered that was my enemy. As an atheist, i lacked accountability. Those two combined for a perfect storm of problems for other people. 

I could manufacture and sell methamphetamine without really caring about its' impact on other people. I could seriously hurt people over tiny amounts of money (or for no reason at all) and not worry about any spiritual repercussions. I could steal from anyone, sleep with whoever I wanted to and leave them immediately after with no concerns other than legal ramifications.

Life was easy and uncomplicated. Unless the police caught me, I would never be held responsible for the things that I did. Even if they caught me, I would still never have to answer for EVERYTHING that I had done to people either intentionally or as collateral damage. My life was all about me.

I was a narcissistic hedonist. As long as I felt pleasure, it had to be right. After all, if this life was all there is, why should I not enjoy it? If it hurt someone else, that was not my fault. The law of the jungle applies, and only the strong survive. If you were weaker than me or had some kind of issue or instability, I could care less about you.

EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY! Life was too short not to live it up. I grabbed onto the James Dean mantra, live life fast and leave a good looking corpse. Carpe Diem, seize the day. After all, I could be dead tomorrow. As my addiction progressed, that changed. In my depression, I began to wish I could die. Hopelessness grew. I attempted suicide, and would have been successful if my sister and had not found me unconscious in a pool of blood. I would use to the point of overdose. I would drink and drive. I have played Russian Roulette multiple times; just me, a revolver and a single bullet. I had promised my sister I would not commit suicide and I justified Russian Roulette because it was chance.

Then I reached a point of no return, a true rock bottom that I have talked about in several other blogs. After trying jail, house arrest, probation, prison, parole, inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, 12 step programs, sponsors, medication and abstinence I did not know what else to do. When I reached the bottom of my barrel, I tried something I had long before given up on, God. I prayed, and struck a deal with God that I immediately tried to renege on the next day. But I couldn’t and I didn’t. It stuck.

I know that not everyone has the same results that I did. I prayed one day and made a deal with God. He upheld his end and I have tried to uphold mine. I have not drank, used drugs, smoked cigarettes, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight outside of a ring since that prayer. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know that I don’t have to use today.

Over time I have removed using tomorrow from the table as well. I now that I have another relapse in me. We all do. I also know that I am unsure if, in fact quite certain that I don’t, have another recovery left in the tank. I am pretty positive that the next time I use will kill me. The only relapse I have had was for 7 years and I overdosed 3 times. I have died more times than I can count on one hand and I am pretty sure I am not a cat, so I could quite possibly be out of second (or 7th) chances. 

Today I have too much to live for. I have a wife, 2 beautiful children and an amazing life. Plus, I know the damage my addiction caused and I take responsibility for that. Because of me and my drugs, lives were lost. I don’t want to ever be a part of that process again. I am here to deal hope, not steal it. I am here to save lives, not take them. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope and I will never go back to the way I used to be because I love the person I have become!

I see the damage that I caused in the lives of others. I was like a tornado and I left a trail of chaos and carnage in my wake.  I see the anger that I began to possess and spew while I was an atheist. I have found that neither of those choices are good for me. They are both colors that I should leave out of my wardrobe because they are unflattering. I am not saying that all addicts and atheists are the same way, but I was. I cannot be a hope dealer while I am bitter, angry and hopeless. I cannot help others when I am not even able to help myself. I had to change. I found the 5 Pillars of Recovery worked for me, as did following the platinum rule.

The 5 Pillars of Recovery

1.       Higher Power – I found Jesus. Okay, not really. It was not that Jesus was lost, I was. I gave God a chance. I turned my will and my life over to God and things have just been better. I have had experiences in my life that have convinced me that God is real! I would say my sobriety and lifestyle are living proof that God exists!!

2.       Game Plan – I use both the Bible and the 12 steps to carve out a better life for myself.

3.       Meetings – I won’t lie, I attend a lot of them on occasion. Every week I attend my Celebrate Recovery home group and attend a small group. I am also known to go to AA and NA meetings as well. Find what works best for you and then go, consistently and regularly.

4.       Sponsor/Mentor - If you want to be able to apply the 12 steps and/or the Bible to your lives and achieve the best outcome, find someone you would like to be at the level of in 5 years. Ask them to teach you how they got there, and then apply what you learn.

5.       Accountability Partners – Meet with someone consistently who you give permission to call you out on things. They can help support you and you can help support them.

Platinum rule – Treat others the way you would want them to treat the person you care about the most. That means you treat people like you would want them to treat your mom, dad, son, daughter, brother, sister, husband, wife, best friend, etc. If you would not want someone to do something to someone you love and care about, than don’t do it to someone else.

Add the 5 Pillars and the platinum rule to your life, and don’t stop using them. This is not a temporary change, this is a life long lifestyle change! The reason I don’t go back to using drug/alcohol/sex/cigarettes/violence, etc is that I have made my recovery a priority. I do recovery oriented things on a daily basis, multiple times each day. You do not get good at anything by not doing it. Practice makes you good, and once you get good at something only practice keeps you doing it well. I will never settle for good. I want great, so I practice the 5 Pillars and apply the platinum rule to all that I do. Finally, I have found one more additive that has made my recovery strong.

Community service is the missing link in many a program. It is not absolutely necessary for recovery, but it will make your recovery that much stronger and enjoyable. It is the icing on the cake. Community service says, “I used to destroy resources, now I am one!” This leads to more self-confidence, self-respect and self-worth. It makes the foundation of your recovery that much stronger!

Finally, spread the message of hope and strength found in recovery with anyone and everyone you come into contact with! I call myself a hope dealer, and you can be one too. Recovery is amazing, and so are you. Recovery is not only a possibility, it is a guarantee if you apply the 5 Pillars and work them. Let people know it! Together we will transform lives by sharing recovery and chip away at the stigma surrounding addiction and recovery until it is gone!

You Can't Unpickle a Pickle

Sitting in the rooms I once heard a man say that you can’t turn a pickle back into a cucumber. He was saying that as a reply to another person who had asked if they would ever be normal again. That is what was said, and the subject was dropped at that. Basically, the answer was, “NO!!! You will never be normal again!” The guy did not seem very happy with that answer. I guess that he wanted to be normal again. He wanted to become a cucumber again. I felt sorry for him, so I had to reply. This is probably not word for word what I said, but it is as near as I can remember:

There are “normies” and then there are the rest of us. I am blessed and optimistic because I am part of the rest of us. Take a normie and the comparison used. A normal person is a cucumber. They have not had a lot of turmoil in their lives, not many tragedies and their struggles are minimal. Due to that untested nature of existence they have been able to remain a cucumber. That is fine for them. I personally like cucumbers. They taste good in my salad. That said, I could never enjoy them by themselves because they are just too plain and ordinary. They lack flavor.

Then there are the rest of us, the pickles. We started out as cucumbers, just like the normies. Unlike the normies, we have gone through a process that has changed us. We have felt the fires of life and had things thrown into the mix that have seasoned us. Through that process we have gained strength, experience and wisdom that normal people just don’t have. We have attaining a better existence due to a process many people will never know.

It is hard to appreciate what you have unless you have had nothing. That could be financially, spiritually, hopelessness, etc. If you go from having nothing to have something, it is amazing. Saturday I went on a 25 mile bicycle ride and about 15 miles into it I ran out of water. When I finally got a drink 10 miles later it was some of the best tasting water EVER because I had gone without. When I lived a hopeless life,  mired in addiction worshipping drugs/power/sex as an atheist then turned my life over to Christ I gained a relationship with God that was unlike anything I had ever felt. I crave that relationship because I know how miserable my life was without it.

You never know how strong you are unless you go through difficult things. Much like the cucumber, it will not change unless it is goes through the fire. Once it goes through the fire it becomes pliable and able to soak up the spices to make it what I consider to be a much better product in the end. The same goes for the hurts, habits and hang ups we struggle with.

I am a hope dealer. I am really good at what I do. I live my life for God with a focus on my family first and second dealing hope and decimating stigma that surrounds addiction and mental health that men, women and children struggle with every day. I am good at what I do because I was once a cucumber until the fires of life transformed me. Because of that transformation I can give hope to others that are hopeless. All because I am a pickle. A cucumber cannot do what I do.

You cannot help someone work through their struggles unless you too have struggled. You may not have had the same struggles, but you have to have overcome struggles. Addiction to food, alcohol, drugs, sex, codependency, pornography, power, anger, shopping, money, trauma, grief and loss, etc at their root are all very similar. I just want to know that you too have struggled.  That you are a pickle just like me. We have some common ground. So remember, the next time you get told you are a pickle and could never be turned back into a cucumber, be grateful. After all, what pickle in their right mind would ever want to be turned back into a plain, flavorless cucumber? I know I wouldn’t!

Celebrate Recovery - Why I Believe CR is for Everyone!

There are multiple arguments I have heard against Celebrate Recovery. I am going to address a couple of the more common ones. In doing this I hope you will see Celebrate Recovery is for everyone. After all, we all fall short of living a perfect life and have all experienced hurts, habits and hang-ups that keep us from living life to the fullest. Celebrate Recovery is a program that allows you to live an abundant life!

Here are the 5 most common reasons I have heard for not attending Celebrate Recovery:

1.       I don’t need Celebrate Recovery because I am not an addict or alcoholic.

2.       I don’t believe in God, and Celebrate Recovery believes in that mythical guy in the sky.

3.       I don’t need a 12 step program to help me. The 12 steps are for junkies and winos.

4.       I am not going to tell a bunch of people my problems.

5.       I don’t need a sponsor to help me live my life.

Here are my responses to the arguments listed above:

1.       So you are not addicted to alcohol or drugs. In fact, you may never have seen drugs or touched a drop of alcohol your entire life. That does not mean recovery isn’t for you. There are many things in this life that we struggle to recover from. That is why Celebrate Recovery addresses more than just addiction. It addresses hurts habits and hang-ups.

HURTS are those feelings elicited from experiencing hurtful situations and other people’s negative behaviors. HABITS are the chronic behaviors and addictions you use to cope with stressors in life. HANG-UPS are negative mental attitudes that keep us from progressing further in life. Everyone struggles with at least one, if not many of these issues.  

2.       Yes, Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered program. However, you don’t have to be a Christian to go there. When I first came to Celebrate Recovery, I was an atheist who leaned towards agnosticism. I came because I was depressed and hopeless and the meetings that I had been going to were not working for me. The meetings I went to were overflowing with sobriety but deficient in recovery.  

I needed something different. I needed to be around positive people who did not all refer to themselves as addicts and alcoholics. I found that in Celebrate Recovery. I also found there was a kinship between addicts, codependents, workaholics and people with eating disorders. There was a similarity between my anger, someone else’s depression and someone’s materialism. I had friends that were not addicts and alcoholics but who still struggled with life. That was healing in a way I had never known before. I gained hope and stopped judging myself.

3.       Why don’t you need the 12 steps? Is there a guide you follow to help you live a more satisfying, less chaotic life? If not, there should be and that is what the 12 steps are. They are a game plan for success in life. Who does not need to live a better life? I have yet to meet a perfect person. I know great people who live amazing lives, but they are ALL WORKS IN PROGRESS .  The 12 steps are a guide to making the progress we all need in order to live richer, more fulfilling lives.

4.       I understand why there may be things you don’t want to share with other people. I get that! I was abused as a child both physically and sexually. People knew that I had been abused physically. I was ashamed of being sexually abused, though. I knew I would be judged and criticized if anyone knew, so I kept that secret for over 30 years. I never told anyone. I was speaking at a church when I shared it for the first time. It wasn’t planned, it just happened.

After the sermon, I had someone tell me he had been molested as well and had never told anyone until now. Since I began sharing that part of my life, half a dozen men have thanked me for sharing and told me I was the first person they had ever shared that part of their life with. So my sharing helped others. It also helped me. The burden I once struggled to carry alone has been shared with many others. It no longer feels as heavy and shameful as it once did. I have been met with nothing but love and encouragement since I began sharing that part of my life. In fact, the shame and guilt I carried for over 30 years has vanished!  

5.       The word sponsor here really turns some people off. Instead of sponsor, let’s call this person a mentor. A mentor is an adviser who is both experienced and trusted. Bill Gates, the world’s richest person according to the Forbes 400 in 2013, has a mentor. Bill Gate regularly goes to Warren Buffet for advice. Socrates mentored Plato, Plato mentored Aristotle and Aristotle mentored Alexander the Great. Even in the Bible, we see that Barnabas mentored Paul who in turn mentored Timothy.

If Bill Gates, Aristotle and Paul felt the need for mentors, maybe you should as well. After all, mentors/sponsors are vitally important to making positive changes in our lives. They have a history of making the kind of choices we strive to make in order to have the type of life we desire to live. They have been where we are and have a found a better life for themselves and they share that recipe for success with us!

When I came to Celebrate Recovery I was no longer a proud and angry agnostic who knew it all. I was shattered and hopeless. Life had finally broken me fundamentally and I saw no way out. I had tried everything: Rational Recovery, various anonymous recovery groups, counseling, prescription medication, residential and outpatient treatment, prison, jail, house arrest, probation, parole and finally suicide. Nothing has ever worked for longer than 3 months.

What I found in Celebrate Recovery worked. I have been free from my addictions for over 5 years now. I want to share the hope and happiness I have found with others. That is why I speak in communities and churches. This is the reason I write and post things through my blog. I want to share the strength, experience and hope I found when I experienced Christ’s love and grace with everyone.  Celebrate Recovery works!

If you have any doubts or questions about the efficacy of Celebrate Recovery please share them with me. Send me messages on Facebook or post them in the comments on my blog. That way I can answer them and allay your fears, anxieties and doubts so you give Celebrate Recovery a try. I want you to attend meetings, join a step study group and give it a chance. The only things you have to lose are the hurts habits and hang-ups you struggle with. It worked for me and I truly believe it will work for you!