The Sky is the Limit - My Story as related to Heroes in Recovery

My story was recently put on the Heroes in Recovery website. I would ask that you visit their website (www.heroesinrecovery.com) and check out everything that they are doing to break stigma and share the hope that there is a Better Life in Recovery. Here is the link to my story on their website: http://heroesinrecovery.com/stories/9206/

Here is what they printed:

Hi, my name is David and I am a person in long-term recovery. What that means for me is that I have not used drugs or alcohol since January 31, 2009 and because of that I have been able to accomplish things I never would have dreamed possible. I am a husband, father, sponsor, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, hope dealer and director of the nonprofit Better Life in Recovery (BLiR).

I was abused physically and sexually as a child. I used alcohol and other drugs to escape my past and deal with anger, depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder I was diagnosed with. I was introduced to methamphetamine my senior year, and partying ended up being more important than school so I dropped out of school.

After over 20 years of substance use, attempting suicide, dying more times than I can count on one hand and being to jail more times than I can count on my fingers and toes I thought nothing would ever change. Boy was I wrong.

I asked God for something different, and He answered that prayer. I have not used since I decided to focus on recovery instead of substance abuse. My focus shifted. I paid attention to my successes instead of my failures. I applied the five pillars of recovery: Higher Power, meetings, sponsor, accountability partners and the 12 steps. Then I added the missing piece, service to my community, and it has made all the difference.

Don’t get me wrong, my life has had ups and downs. At times, life kicks me in the butt and my world shakes. The difference is how I cope with that today. I work through my problems and conquer them instead of letting them beat me. Doing this has made me stronger and wiser! I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope!

Currently, I am a counselor for the Greene County, MO treatment courts through Preferred Family Healthcare. I went from high school drop out to having four college degrees. I married an amazing woman and we have an amazing family. I sit on multiple boards and planning committees that are focused on making the world a better place.

My passion is BLiR. Our mission is transforming lives with recovery. We deal hope and reduce stigma people who struggle with substance use and mental health issues face through community service, education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. In 2012 we did one event, in 2013 we did three events, in 2014 we did eight and we are aiming for over 50 events in 2015 with weekly fellowship events.

Today, I know the sky is the limit for people in long-term recovery. My goal is to educate people on the wonders of long-term recovery, give people who are still struggling hope they can achieve long-term recovery and people in recovery the courage to come forward and be proud of who they have become while rejoining and making their communities better!

Pride: Getting Over Myself

I have weekly supervision with my supervisor. Every Thursday, from 7:30-8:30 we meet and discuss how my clients are doing as well as how I am doing. Last week when I met with her I let my feelings get hurt. She gave me some feedback last Thursday, and I did not care for it. There were two things that I could have done from that point. Maybe more, but at least two. One is less common, the other is the reaction most people have.

Instead of taking the less beaten path, I took the one most traveled. I took it personally. I let my pride kick in. She was a horrible person. How dare her confront what I had been doing for years. Who did she think she was? How dare her tell me how to do my job! I know that I am good at what I do. I have had so many clients come back and thank me later when I see them. My clients exit interviews were almost always great and why shouldn't they have been.

I take pride in my work. I am good at what I do. I have lived the life of addiction and now I live a life of recovery. I have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and Sociology. One of those is the study of  the human brain and human behavior. The other is studying how people interact together and why they do it. Then I have a Master's degree in Social Work. I am an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). Finally, I have compassion for those who have struggles because I once had struggles too!

I have a heart for it, the education for it and I have lived it. That is a trifecta, the triple crown of substance abuse/recovery treatment. That is what was going through my brain as I walked out of her office. I bit my tongue, nodded when I was supposed to and finished the hour with her. I left her office mad. Thankfully, I have acquired  many skills over the years. One of those is thinking rationally. Here is how it works.

1. I replayed what she had said
2. I really thought about what she had said.
3. I assessed what she said, looking at both ends of the spectrum. One end, my irrational thought and the other end the best possible reason she could have said what she did to me.
4. I then looked at my reaction to it and if my reaction was rational or irrational
5. I realized my thought process was irrational and so was my initial reaction
6. I realized that what she said was meant to help me become better at what I do.

What I realized is that I am employed and I do not feel at any risk of losing my job. So how could it be possible that I suck at my job and she was pointing that out to me? Furthermore, I work with very adept counselors yet she also meets with them for an hour of supervision every week. Does she only have positive things to say to them, or does she also give them feedback on their job performance?

Rationally, I realized that what she said was not meant to be taken personally. In fact, I know that she has good things to say about me to other staff and partners in our community. Based on that, she obviously feels that I am proficient at my job. That said, she also realizes that I could be doing better. There are a couple of areas that I need to improve and she wants to see the clients get the most out of their time in our services.

What also helps this process is realizing who I am, who I was and how I think. I automatically take things personally at first. Part of that is because I was an addict, physically/sexually abused and struggled with depression/self-esteem issues most of my life. I thought I was a piece of junk and deserved everything that I got. It took a while to get over that, and I would argue I never fully will.

When someone gives criticism I take it to heart. It does not even have to be directed at me. It can be non-directed but I will take it as being a slam at me because I  hear it or read it and feel it applies. Thankfully, I have realized that due to my past I often don't think rationally. I have learned to play things through in my head before I take them to heart.

I am not perfect and there are a lot of different approaches to deal hope and empower people to live better lives. I can take feedback, both directly and indirectly, sift through what I can use and discard the rest. In the end, I am thankful for her feedback. It was not meant to be taken personally. It was only meant to help me grow. Hopefully having an open mind only allows me to become better at what I do. That is why I had to get over myself and remember that I am not perfect.

Why I Hate Addiction or These are a Few of my Least Favorite Things

I can honestly say that there are very few things that I hate. I will give you a list and you tell me what is the #1 thing that you cannot stand:

1. Murder
2. Child Abuse
3. Child Molestation
4. Animal Cruelty
5. Drugs/Alcohol
6. Rape
7. Domestic Violence

The top of my extremely short list would sit drugs/alcohol as the reigning king. "Why not child abuse or child molestation at the top of your list, David?" The same reason that animal cruelty, murder, rape and domestic abuse are not at the top. Drugs and alcohol are the top correlations in all of the above instances. If you look at the majority of child abuse/molestation cases, rapes, murders, domestic violence and animal cruelty you are more than likely going to see drugs and alcohol are in the mix!

That said, they do not cause the situations to happen. They are more like throwing gasoline on a fire. The gasoline is not the cause of the fire, but it causes it to get much worse. When you add alcohol and drugs to an already volatile situation or unstable person, you are just making a bad situation 100 times more dangerous. You are just asking for trouble. All you have to do is look at the news. You will see the problems.

The reason why I am at this point today is I have had a rough past couple of months. I have had a friend that was on the Dr Phil show yesterday that is really struggling and on the verge of death. I had a friend overdose and die, an accountability partner who has decided that he can start drinking again, a friend I grew up with that is in intensive care and has been for several weeks after she relapsed and the guy she was with wrecked a car then left her for dead in a field. To add insult to injury, he left the accident and went back to her house where he cooked a batch of dope then robbed her.

In the news we have a man on mushrooms ripping out his friends heart and tongue. Locally we have a 47 year old male recently released from prison on drug charges linked to a 15 year old female who was found in a lake. We have a 17 year old found with his throat slashed by another teenage male because he believed he was a snitch and he wanted his little brother to see someone die. This is crazy stuff happening. Addiction is EVIL!!!!

Yet, it is so alluring. I have hurts and things that have been done to me that are horrific. I have done things myself that I can't forgive myself for. Because of this I have no self-esteem, self-confidence or hope. I feel that I am all alone, and the only thing that I can depend on is my new God, fill in your addiction here. It numbs me, gives me confidence, helps me forget and is always there for me. But then I come down or sober up, and the pain is still there so I have to use again.

In order to stop the cycle, we have to do something. We have to find something that works, to replace our addiction. We cannot overcome anything by admitting it is not there. In order to effect change, there are 5 things we must add and 2 things we must remove from our lives:

1. Higher Power - I need to find a power greater than myself to help me overcome what I cannot overcome on my own
2. Recovery Meetings - I need to know that I am not alone and hear others stories of recovery to help me realize that we do get better. Great place to find hope!
3. Step Work (Book of James) - We must have some kind of game plan to overcome our addictive behaviors and old lifestyle
4. Sponsor (Mentor) - We need someone who is living their life the way we want to live ours that can help us begin putting step 3 into action
5. Accountability Partners - Birds of a feather flock together. If I want to live my life better, I need to surround myself with people who are living their lives well.
6. Old Playgrounds - You can't stay clean if your standing in the mud. If you hang out in bars or where drugs are readily available, the question stops being "Will you relapse" and becomes "When will you relapse."
7. Old Playmates - If I continue to hang out with people who are living in addictions and engaging in criminal behaviors, I too will eventually go back to my old behaviors too.

Remember, your addiction is in the back of your head. It is lifting weights, running on a treadmill and on the computer doing research. It is getting stronger and smarter every day, looking for a way to take back over your life. YOUR ADDICTION NEVER TAKES A DAY OFF!! In order to remain in recovery, you need to do recovery oriented things every day. Go to a meeting, associate with positive people, talk to your sponsor, work the steps, read a daily devotional (the Bible, Just for Today). 

I HAVE YET TO MEET A PERSON THAT WAS DOING ALL 7 OF THE ABOVE THINGS THAT RELAPSED! AS NIKE SAYS, "JUST DO IT!" REMEMBER, YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!

What Is In Store For the Future

If you have not heard there has been a lot of transition in my life. My daughter was born on the 12th and there were some complications. She was in the NICU for several days, but we were able to bring her home on the 17th. That was the good news. The bad news was that she had 2 holes in her heart, an artery that was supposed to close at birth was still open and she has cataracts that will need to be removed. Needless to say, I have been very busy between work, doctors appointments and the upcoming event on September 9th from 2-8 at the Ash Grove City Park. I have been slacking!

Here is the game plan for the future. As of Friday, the 14th of September I will begin publishing a blog every Friday at noon. It will be called Feature Friday. Every other week I will have a blog up that will review a chapter of a book I am reading, and that will be put up on Wednesday at noon. I will also be attempting to lose weight and overcome my addiction to comfort eating and sloth. That will be up every other Wednesday, starting the 12th at noon. Weight-loss Wednesday one week, then Wisdom Wednesday the following week and a personal blog every week for Feature Friday. Nifty, huh!! This way you will have two blogs to read every week and you know the time they will be published.

I have been doing a VLog daily, and putting it up on my YouTube channel, BetterLifeInRecovery. I have had several of them which have been put on here. I want to know, is having them posted on here something that would interest you? Hopefully so. I will not be posting them on here daily but I will be posting a weeks worth at a time. So, for now I will say good day to you. I will be posting next on the 14th once I have had an opportunity to go to Barnes in St Louis to have my daughter looked at and the BLiR event is over. She was looked at, and there will be a surgery on the 5th and another on the 12th of October.

In closing, sorry for the long gaps lately but life has been calling and my family comes before this blog. I will talk to you all in a week. Thanks for sticking by and reading what I have to write. I hope you enjoy reading and listening to it as much as I enjoy putting it up here! If you have any questions you want answered or anything you would like to hear me talk/write about be sure to get ahold of me: email, facebook, twitter or leave a comment on here.

Great News for "Religious" Parents (Religious People in General)

I am a substance abuse counselor (RASAC II) by vocation and a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) by degree. Due to both of those being a part of my employment, I have to go to training so that I can keep my credentials. This is about the training that I attended last Friday. It had information on a couple of studies that I had not seen. I then looked up several other studies. I want to share this information with you.

These are several different studies I have come across. The first study is done by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University. It was a two year study that they conducted they found a significant difference between children and adults who attended church and those who did not (http://www.casacolumbia.org/templates/PressReleases.aspx?articleid=115&zoneid=48). Let us look at the adults first.

Adults who did not consider religious beliefs important were 3 times likelier to binge drinks, 4 times likelier to use illicit drugs other than marijuana and 6 times likelier to use marijuana. Adults who never attend religious services were found to be 7 times likelier to drink, 5 times likelier to use an illicit drug other than marijuana and 8 times likelier to use marijuana. So what about the children?

Teens who did not consider religious beliefs important were 3 times likelier to binge drink, 4 times likelier to use marijuana and 7 times likelier to use illicit drugs. Teens who never attend religious services were 3 times likelier to use marijuana and binge drink and 4 times likelier to use illicit drugs than teens who attended at least one religious service weekly.

In a study conducted by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) found that 10.1% of individuals who attended fewer than 25 religious services in the past year had used illicit substances in the past month while only 2.9% of individuals who had attended 25 or more services in the past year had. A study of youth done by Indiana University showed that non-religious students were twice as likely to use drugs, alcohol and engage in binge drinking when compared to students that were religious (http://www.indiana.edu/~engs/articles/religion2.htm.)

The researchers studied data gathered through Monitoring the Future, the University of North Carolina's four year nationally representative survey of high school seniors. Among specific findings were that especially religious youths were less likely to smoke, drink and use drugs and more likely to start later and use less if they started at all, he said. They went to bars less often, received fewer traffic tickets, wore seat belts more, took fewer risks and fought less frequently. Shoplifting, other thefts, trespassing and arson also were rarer. "Religious 12th-graders argued with parents less, skipped school less, exercised more, participated more in student government and faced fewer detentions, suspensions and expulsions," Smith said (http://monitoringthefuture.org/).

In another study conducted by Byron R. Johnson, Director and Distinguished Senior Fellow, Center for Research on Religion and Urban Civil Society, University of Pennsylvania, and Adjunct Fellow, Center for Civic Innovation, Manhattan Institute of 1,087 youth ages 11 to 17 (http://www.manhattan-institute.org/html/cr_12.htm), he arrives at a number of important findings:

• Religious low-income urban teenagers are much less likely to take illicit drugs than otherwise comparable teenagers living in the same high-poverty neighborhoods.
• Highly religious youth living in poor urban neighborhoods are less likely to use illicit drugs than non-religious youth living in middle-class suburban neighborhoods.
• The degree to which being religious reduces a youth’s probability of using illicit drugs increases the older a teenager becomes.
• Youth who have good family relations, do well in school, have non-drug-using friends, and possess anti-drug attitudes are even less likely to use illicit drugs when they are also religious.
• The effect of religious commitment in cutting illicit drug use among poor urban teenagers is statistically significant for all categories of illicit drugs including hard drugs.

In closing, I want to say that I too have found this to be true. I was an addict in and out of jail and prison when I was Agnostic. I have not so much as gotten a traffic ticket since I was saved. I was hopeless, and without hope I began using and eventually became mired in addiction. This blog looks at research that shows that the non-religious use drugs and alcohol at much higher rates than the religious (if you look up these same studies you will find that they also commit crimes and commit suicide at higher rates, also). I have been told by many atheists and agnostics that my son would be better off raised without religion, and that I was stupid for feeling otherwise. "God is just a worthless fairy tale that you are better off not buying into," several have told me. For some reason, that just did not sound right to me. Guess what? It wasn't.

I now have statistically significant research that supports me sharing my faith and raising my son to have a relationship with a Higher Power. Raising my son in the church will give him a better chance to live drug-free/sober, not commit suicide and stay out of prison than if  he does not attend. For me as a father, that is huge. Besides, my son is deserves that chance!!

The Longer I'm In Recovery

I shot one more interview for the documentary this morning then took my wife to worship team practice. We are shooting a friends testimony for her tomorrow so that she can have it to give to potential speaking venues so they can hear what she will bring to their audiences. I am meeting with my web designer Monday, my accountability partner on Wednesday and giving my testimony at Ridgecrest Baptist Church on Thursday. All week I work as a substance abuse counselor peddling hope while watching clients rebuild clean and sober lives. My life is recovery, and my life is amazing. It used to be filled with depression and anger as a soldier for Satan, now it is positive and optimistic with a focus on Christ.

There is a reason for that positivity and optimism. That reason is simple. I know what hell looks like and how it feels to wish for death. I have been to those places. I have seen demons and heard them scream in my ear. That was my past. Now I know what it is to be filled with love and guided by the Holy Spirit. I now want to live. That is all possible because I chose to turn my life over to Christ in a moment of need. I had tried everything but Christ, and they had all failed. With God, all things are possible.

Now I have a new lease on life; an outlook on my day that makes people like to be around me. I can now be a good example for others to follow and share with them a story of God's unimaginable grace. I feel that is my duty; to share my past addictions and defects as well as my recovery and how it occurred. The longer that I am in recovery, the louder my voice should be. It is not to be forgotten where I came from and how I got to where I am today. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul says that he boasts about his weaknesses, hardships, difficulties and persecutions. So do I.

That is what my testimony and life are. I get to show others that there is a better life in recovery. The longer that I am in recovery, the stronger and wiser I become. It is my responsibility to share that strength and wisdom with others. For years I took from society, and the further in my addiction I got the more I took. Therefore, the longer I am clean and sober the more I owe back. I got a second chance at life (more like an 8th chance. I must be a cat to have this many lives) and it is wasted if I don't use it to help others!

Shooting the Documentary: Round 1

We have officially got our first group on video. I am hoping that we will do 2 more shoots over the next month and a couple of weeks. I would like us to be finished shooting by the beginning of February. It is always interesting to me when I get the opportunity to be a part of something that is amazing. There are also always complications that get in the way.

A long time ago we were trying to find a place to film that had the ambiance and character that Julie was looking for. We talked to a place that we really wanted to use. We were quoted the price of $175 an hour to shoot there. Since we are currently funding this ourselves, that was out of our price range. We looked around a little bit more, and we found the Springfield Creamery Art Center. We paid $25 to join the join the Springfield Art Council and now shoot at the Creamery for and they worked out a much better deal with them. Let me just say that they offered us an amazing opportunity. It was too good to pass up, so..............we took them up on it!

We made plans several weeks ago to shoot there from 9-2 Saturday. I was going to go at 9, followed by an engaged couple Josh and Sabrina at 10 and 11 that are both 26, Randall who is in his 40's at 12 and a 21 year old named Clayton at 1. We had our lineup of talent (those we are interviewing for the documentary are considered talent, and calling them "the talent" is just fun to say) to film and we had our location. I thought we were good to go. I was wrong! Saturday we hit many snags. Yet we prevailed.

For starters, I did not realize we were down to one High Definition tape to film with. I discovered this at 8, and we were to be at the location by 9. We looked for the tape at Wal-Mart since they were already open. Of course they did not have any. They had tape, but not Hi Def. We then went to a camera and video place here in Springfield, but they did not open until 9. We tried to call Best Buy, but they did not open until 9 either. We had no choice but to wait until they opened.

While we were sitting in the parking lot waiting for the camera store to open, I remembered that I had forgotten the lap top with the questions to ask the talent. We had to return home to get the lap top, and then drive back to the store. By the time we got back there they were open. Murphy's Law kicked in, which is my way of saying they did not have High Def film either.

We now had to go to Best Buy, which I was avoiding like it was contagious due to it being a week before Christmas. We called them, and were immediately told that our call was important by the automation. We were then given some wonderful music to listen to and placed on hold. We went, found parking in the parking lot eventually and then entered inside. I hung up the phone as I walked inside, still on hold after driving across town, searching for parking then hiking to the store from the back 40 were parking was available.

Amazingly, they had 6 two packs of High Def film, so we grabbed them all (My apologies to anyone who goes there and cannot find any film). Then we got the pleasure of waiting in the uber-long Christmas line. Julie and I joked the whole way, and decided that we did not really need to film me anyway. We would still be there 15 minutes early so that we could set up and prepare to shoot the couple who was coming at 10.

Wouldn't you know, at 9:40 we get the call from the talent we have scheduled to shoot at 10 letting us know that they are there waiting for us. We tell them that we will be there in 5 minutes. True to our word, we show up at 9:45 and unload. The parking lot is bare, but we are not thinking about that. We grab gear, walk to the door and it is locked. As we explore the entire building, we discover that the entire building is locked up tighter than Fort Knox.

At this time, I begin to laugh! Then all four of us there begin to make phone calls to look for other people. We are all searching through our phones frantically, but to no avail. Then we begin to brain storm about prospective places. We scrambled around and finally talked to people at the Discovery Center, who agreed to let us shoot there for free. As soon as they said we could film there we headed that way. We were filling out paperwork at the Discovery Center when Julie's phone rang. It was a call from the Creamery. Someone was on there way to unlock it for us.

We thanked the lady at the desk and then we left, headed back to the Creamery. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, the talent for the slot at 1 called. There was an emergency with his father and he was going to have to bow out. I told him that was completely understandable, and that we would have him give his testimony and answer questions for the documentary in our next filming session in January. I told Julie this was perfect. We could now still film me today.

Then we arrived at the Creamery. We were met by a very gracious lady who explained the miscommunication to us. The building was supposed to be open due to ballet practice being held there. It always is on Saturdays. That said, this week was different. Due to Springfield Ballet presenting "The Nutcracker" over the weekend ballet practice was moved to the Vandivort Theater and the Creamery was locked up.

We got set-up to shoot and it was now almost 11. We began with Josh. He gave his testimony then answered the 20 plus questions for the documentary. We had successfully gotten our day started. While he is giving his testimony Randall calls. He will be running late and will not be there on time. I told him that he could have the slot to film at 1 since Once again, this works out perfect. I am now able to shoot Sabrina and Josh back to back so that they can get leave, as they needed to pick their children up.

Sabrina finishes and I actually have some time for me to go. I do not get to give my testimony, but I do have an opportunity to answer the questions for the documentary. We are supposed to use short and concise sentences for some of the questions and single words in response to some of the other questions. Needless to say, I have some issues in this department. I tend to be verbose, that is to say I am challenged when it comes to short and concise.

As I am going through my questions, Randall shows up. I finish the questions for the documentary. Then Randall has an opportunity to give his testimony and  answer the documentary questions. We ended up going 35 minutes over and completed shooting at 2:35. By the time we packed, picked up some fast food at Burger King and got to worship practice we were 10 minutes late. One of the musicians was 20 minutes late and another was running 30 minutes late.

Due to this we were actually on time......ish! We ended up getting 2 people shot for the documentary that we are going to use, but I may have to go again when I give my testimony for the wall of recovery (wall of hope? unsure of a name for it). We also had 3 people give their testimonies for the wall of blank. I can see my first contest forming right now: What is the most popular name for the wall?

So in the end our first round of shooting a full group was successful, and we will be filming two more groups next month. I am excited to see this project coming to fruition and look forward to getting the message of recovery to the youth in our community and someday around the state, the country and eventually the world!!!

Mixed Emotions - What Are You Passionate About?

Sometimes, I get a little frustrated. I think that part of it is because not every one's passion is for the same thing as mine. Many of us probably feel that way. We cannot understand why people are not as concerned as we are about whatever it is we are concerned about. Some of you feel strongly about finding veterans jobs. Others of you feel strongly about starving children in foreign countries, while still others make it their life's mission to save dogs from being put to sleep. Those are your passions.

Today, I am going to talk about my passion. I hate Satan vehemently. I know that drugs are from Satan. Therefore, I hate drugs vehemently. Even more than that, I hate that we have children who are addicted to them. I spent 23 years of my life abusing drugs and alcohol. I do not want children to have to do the same thing I did. Children deserve to have a childhood. Children should never have to go to prison. Children doing drugs breaks my heart. When you combine those two, drugs and children, you have arrived at what I am most passionate about. 

Due to my passion, I feel that others should be as passionate about the issues as I am. I think that it is our duty to protect our youth. Yet, I see people get more wound up about abused animals than abused children. I see people more upset about Skepticon coming to Springfield than I do about a 12 year old overdosing. Put up a political caption on Facebook and you will get 100 comments. You put up a picture of a 13 year old girl missing for a week and there might be 5 comments.

I just don' t get it? When did we begin to put more value and importance on our pets than our children? Why is a gathering of Atheists and Agnostics causing more of an uproar locally than a 14 year old that has been missing for the last 72 hours? Why is it that drugs are becoming less and less of a big deal. We have not really made a dent in the statistics of those who use illegal drugs. It has shifted from one drug to another being the most popular, but the rates are not improving much.

I have mixed emotions. Part of me knows that politics are a big deal. That is where funding should come from for the education of our youth. That is where money should be coming from when it comes to prevention strategies for substance abuse. But we keep cutting the funding to our programs for children, then wonder what is wrong with them. I guess that I don't have mixed emotions, I am feeling a righteous anger. Why are our children not of the utmost importance? What could be more important than our youth, who are the future of our world?

I had churches that I went to and asked if I could set up a table in their church lobby to let people know about the program that we are starting. Some of those churches said that they had too much going on to do that. I had other churches that approached me and asked what they could do to help. Some of the churches that said they did not have time in service or for us to set up in their lobby told us we could post on their Facebook walls. That would have been better than nothing. Of course, when we posted on their walls the posts were immediately taken down. Gee thanks............but no thanks!

In the next several weeks I am going to be starting  a 501(c)3, and my hope is that some of the churches in the area who are saying that they are helping the community will do just that. If they claim they want to make an impact on the community, we will have a great opportunity for them to help us do just that. I really hope that I do not feel as let down as I have by some of them. The other churches that have already offered help, we will be in touch and thank you so much for all that you do.

It seems like the smaller churches are more ready to help projects that do not promote their church. Some of the biggest churches acted like if it did not promote them, they were too busy. Don't get me wrong, we have had a couple of bigger churches that we are not members of offer us some great help. To those bigger churches that did not have the time, I hope that my first impressions of you are wrong. It is not about business or attendance, it is about making a difference in people's lives. I truly hope we can work together and help each other make an impact in the lives of our youth!!

Pure Joy and Eternal Optimism in Recovery vs Self-Loathing and Depression in Addiction

There are some things that make my life pure joy. There are some reasons that I am able to remain optimistic no matter what occurs. I can be positive no matter what happens in my life, and in spite of all that has happened in my life. Things may bring me down, but they will never keep me down. I have discovered several secrets, and I will share them here with you today.

For starters, I am blessed by the things that I have been through in my past. That is both the things that happened to me and the choices that I made. I realize that some people would look at my past and be horrified by it. There is abuse while I was in 5^th and 6^th grade, 23 years of addiction, prison, suicide attempts, mental health diagnosis and car crashes/overdoses/ fights that should have killed me )I have flat-lined, so I guess they did kill me). I am thankful for them. They created the person that I am today, and I like that person a lot. I know that he has a lot to offer.

I am optimistic because I know that no matter what happens to me today, whether it takes me 5 seconds or 5 years to work through that I will work through it. I know that it will make me wiser and stronger in the process. I also know that I will work through it clean and sober, and that is the best part of it. I know that I never have to use drugs and alcohol again. How does that not keep you optimistic!

I am positive because I know why everything that has happened in my life happened. It happened so that I would have the wisdom and empathy to help those who struggle with the issues that I used to struggle with. I can empower people to make better choices because I have had struggles in my past that I learned from. Today I am equipped to overcome my struggles, and that gave me the wisdom that I have to pass on to others! I will never be beaten down again. I am not who I once was, I am victorious and equipped to stay that way. Life is great, and I'm eating it up!!

The thing is, the longer that I live my life sober the more I owe back to those who are still in their addictions. I have an ability to use the negatives from my past as positives in the lives of other people today. I can help save lifes and in turn allow people to become who they were created to be: great not good, sober not drunk, clean not high, happy not depressed.

So I ask you, why should your life not be full of joy. The Bible says it best in Psalms 118, “For this is the day the Lord has made; I shall rejoice and be glad in it!” We will have ups and downs, but we never have to do anything alone if we are in relationship with Christ! We have supports, whether it is your faith in Christ or your 12 step recovery group. Use them, and then spread recovery to others.
After all, "I can do all things through He who strengthens me." All of this is what keeps my head up and a bounce in my step!!

The Longer I Am Sober

I have a feeling that I know what it is that keeps me sober. I know why I am so active in the recovery community. Not the sober community, because although I commend those who are sober the way that they live their lives, the way that they treat others and even the words from their mouths show that they have no concept of what true recovery is. I mean the work of recovery. It is because the longer that I am sober, the more I owe back to society!

For years I did nothing but take from society and assisted other people in ruining their lives and the lives of those around them. Now that I am in recovery, it is my job to help impact those who are in addiction positively if the opportunity is there. If not, then I lead by example. I am proud to do this, blessed even! I know that I am doing what I was built from the ground up to do.

We all have our calling in life. Some are called to the ministry, some to art and still others to computers. What we need to do is follow our calling and support the calling of others. With that in mind, I would remind everyone that tomorrow is Tuesday, November 1st. I am having the kick off for Better Life in Recovery....the documentary tomorrow evening from 6-8 PM at the KY 3 community room.

To clarify, the kick off is November 1st from 6-8 at 999 West Sunshine in Springfield, Missouri at the KY 3 building in their community room.  So far WKND 88.3 the Wind has promoted it, the Springfield News Leader had an article about it over the weekend and we hope that KY 3 will be doing a piece on it also. I hope to see you there giving your support and seeing what you can do to help us first make the documentary then bring it to the youth who need it!!

The Documentary

My wife and I will soon begin an industrious adventure that will start this year in September. It will be the shooting of our first in a series of 3 documentaries that will look at substance abuse/alcoholism. The documentary that we will begin with will contain interviews with 10 people who are now clean and sober. It will contain first person testimonials of those who have waged war with addiction and have found a better life without drugs and alcohol. Those interviewed will consist of both males and females who are in their teens and early twenties. There will be a couple of interviewees who will be older, and have suffered more dire consequences from their addiction and now have extended sobriety.

The documentary will address how the interviewees were raised in order to show the diversity of backgrounds that they came from, both financially and in regards to parenting and school activities. We will then look at the first time that alcohol or drugs were used. They will describe how they felt when they first used, and what the substance did for and to them. Then we will delve into how their use progressed and why. Next we will transition into how intense their use got to and what their rock bottom, or low point was. From there we will discuss what motivated them to get sober, and if a relapse occurred. If a relapse was present, we will discuss the mitigating circumstances as well as the force of the relapse and what got them back into sobriety. Finally, the subjects will discuss what the most important parts of their continued sobriety have been, what helped them transition into recovery and what they have gotten positive from recovery that they had either lost or never had.

The main function of this documentary is to hopefully be a tool to use with not only those who are in addiction in rehabilitation centers/prisons/jails/juvenile detention/outpatient treatment, but also to those who are not yet using or in trouble with the law. It will be a great documentary to show in junior high, high school and college venues as part of forums, conferences, training and drug prevention/education programs. Our hope is that this documentary will hopefully be an eye opener and encourage those who view it to engage in open discussion, question/answer sessions and maybe even encourage those who see it that are using to quit or seek help.

This documentary has several primary purposes. The first of those is to inform adolescents and young adults about the inherent risks that using drugs and alcohol pose. The second is to let those watching know that they are not alone in the problems, pressures and hurts that they feel. We want them to know that there are many people who suffer from various consequences of life ranging from sexual/physical/emotional abuse to depression and not feeling that they fit in. Finally, it is made to encourage those watching by showing that there is life after addiction and that recovery is not only possible, it is rewarding.

There has been a new page added to the Spiritual Spackle blogsite. On that page we will be keeping you updated about this project in the comments section. We are looking at several funding opportunities currently. If anyone knows of any grants or foundations that might be helpful, please let us know. We may be calling on you to help with the project, so please keep checking this page out to see how the documentary is coming as far as shooting and editing as we prepare it. Our goal is have the documentary finished by the end of next year.

We will also let you know what the future documentaries are about and how they are coming as we get to them. Right now the focus is on this one, and it will be the focus for a while. I imagine that I will be working on my book in the living room and my wife will be editing in the office next to me for many months to come. I am super excited! Any comments of encouragement, offers of support and/or feedback will be appreciated. There will also be several contests that we will have as we work on this project. STAY TUNED FOR MORE!!!!!!!!!!

What is Celebrate Recovery

I was going to do a review of the lessons in Celebrate Recovery, but I was told that it is copywrited up to and including their acrostics. So I will instead do a quick review of what Celebrate Recovery is and consists of so that people who read this can have an understanding of it. First we will look at how it is different from most of the 12 step programs out there.

For starters most Celebrate Recovery groups begin 30-60 minutes before the first group for food. It tends to be really good grub for cheap. Then big group begins. Big group lasts for an hour and consists of one of two things. Rotating weeks you will have a testimony from someone of the changes that have occured in their lives (where they were to where they are), the following week is a lesson on the 12 steps. Next is small groups for an hour. We will get what small groups are later. After small groups come coffee, dessert and good conversation. That is a typical night of CR, anywhere from 2-4 hours depending on what you attend.

The biggest thing to know is that Celebrate Recovery is for life's hurts, habits and hang-ups. It is not only for substance abuse.  Here is an incomplete listing of groups:

 Adult Children of the Addicted

Alcoholism

Anger

Brokenness

Codependency

Depression/Despair

Divorce

Eating Disorders

   Over Eating; Anorexia; Bulimia

Gambling

Guilt and Shame

Legal and Illegal Substance Abuse

Loss of a Loved One

Low Self Esteem

Love & Relationship Addiction

Need to Control

Overspending

Pornography

Resentment

Sexual Addiction

Sexual/Emotional/Physical Abuse

Workaholism

Another huge difference from most 12 step meetings is that Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered, Biblical scripture-based group. The focus is on God and what He can do in your life. All of the 12 steps have Bible scriptures to tie them more into the commands and promises of God. The principles are also scripture-based. It makes for a much deeper meeting than most that I have been to.

Celebrate Recovery big group begins and ends with worship music. The worship music is probably my favorite part of the group. I am a big fan of worship music. I feel that worship music gets us prepared for opening up to and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in us. Big group lessons have words that will help us in our recovering from whatever our hurt, habit or hang-up is. Each word is an acrostic for the steps to either achieve the word or overcome the word. The acrostic makes it easier to remember, which with my memory was a positive thing.

The small groups are split up by gender. Women and men both benefit from this. It is easier to share in a group full of people the same gender. It also allows for people to talk freely and not in front of their spouses/mates. There is more attention paid to the person speaking and not how they look. It also cuts down on people hitting on each other and more intimate things are shared this way. At least, from what I have seen and heard. I would feel a lot safer saying that I always let my partner use me and that I am highly codependent and like to focus all of my attention on my parter if I am in a group where there are not people that could be partners now knowing that about me and scheming on how they can use that tidbit of information to take advantage of me. Just saying.......

If there are enough attendees, the groups are split up by topic. You may have a substance abuse, depression, codependency, anger management, divorce/separation, grief/loss and financial groups that all meet in separate rooms. They are all gender specific. This is a great way to talk to others who are dealing with the same issues that you are so you know that you are not alone in your struggles.

We do not introduce ourselves as being addicts or alcoholics. Instead, people are encouraged to identify themselves by positives, such as being a grateful believer in Jesus Christ. I personally introduce myself as David, and then add that I have been blessed with many trials and tribulations in life that I have grown from. If you want to be successful, refer to yourself by positives not negatives. If you are in secular meetings, introduce yourself as sober or in recovery.

There is child care available at most Celebrate Recovery groups. The difference is that the people who are watching the children are generally background checked (at least if it occurs at a church they should be due to the church standards that exist). There are also several programs that are designed for children 5 and older that will give them things to discuss with their parents to help make that relationship stronger.

There are 5 basic rules to the small groups:

1. Your sharing is focused on your own thoughts and feelings and is limited to 3-5 minutes.
2. There is no cross talk. Cross talk is when two individuals engage in dialogue to the exclusion of others. Each person is free to express their own feelings without interruption.
3. We are here to support one another. We will not attempt to "fix" another.
4. Anonymity and confidentiality are essential requirements. What is shared in the group stays in the group.
5. Offensive language has no place in a Christ-centered group.

The sharing focused on you is a good thing. It makes us focus on us instead of allowing us to take the focus off of ourselves and put our focus on helping someone else. We need to work on us. I am perfectly shattered and I need to work on fixing me before I can truly help others. The best way for me to help them is to work on myself and getting a closer relationship with Christ. The not attempting to fix each other ties into that also. It is way easier to tell others what they should do. I would recommend that you instead think of what your advice to them would have been and how it applies to you.

There are a lot of secular groups that claim to be child friendly, yet you will hear the "F" bomb and other cuss words peppered into a lot of people's sentences. For starters, that kind of language has no part in true recovery. We should care about those around us and how our language could be found offensive to them.  Secondly, do you really want your children to hear that kind of language? I know that I don't. On occasion people may slip up, but it does not permeate the sharing like at other 12 step groups.

There are also people who are asked to leave. If you are trying to get dates, you should and will be asked to leave. If you come high or drunk, you will be asked to leave. You may be talked to in a 1:1 situation, but you will not be allowed to impact the group. These are the types of things that are done for the safety of the group. I actually have known women who have stopped going to secular meetings because they were constantly having people try to pick up on them. Not a conducive atmosphere for positive growth to occur. If that is how the people who have are sober are acting and/or allowing others to act(principles before personalities in most secular groups), I will go somewhere else.

I have made changes in the first 6 months of attending Celebrate Recovery that I did not make in 7 years of secular 12 step meetings. I needed to be able to talk about God. A "door knob" seemed like a very unrealistic higher power. I could kick a door off of it's hinges. I did not need little "hp" or little "g', I needed the big "G" God to make positive changes. Knowing the forgiveness of Christ allowed me to forgive myself, which I had never been able to do before.

It is also good to be around people who have never had drug and/or alcohol problems. You see that everyone struggles and you see that you are accepted and loved by people who are not addicts. For the longest time, I thought that I could only be friends with former addicts and criminals, but CR has shown me otherwise. It has put me around positive people who live their lives in ways that I want to live my life in. If you want to have positive growth, put yourself around people who are where you want to be. I do that at CR, and so can you.

I have a life now through Christ that I never had without him and I can finally look in the mirror and love the person staring back at me. I went from a drug addicted felon with no hope and no self esteem to a Christian who can attempt to give to others the grace and hope that was given to me. I can truly do all through him who strengthens me, and so can you. I would strongly encourage anyone considering Celebrate Recovery to look into it, and remember that it is a lifelong commitment. It worked for me and it will work for you. It is not a magical cure; it needs to be actively worked on a daily basis.

You see, I still get frustrated, still get sad, still feel guilty, still feel lonely and I do not always do the right thing, but I strive to be Christ-like and try to ensure that each day I live my life will be better than the day before it. I am no longer a hypocrite; I no longer hate or harbor resentments and anger. Instead I laugh, I cry, I love, I am quick to help and even quicker to forgive. What I once saw as weakness I now often see as strength. Some of those who were once my enemies have become my heroes. It is amazing how your outlook on life changes when you are in recovery.

If you have any questions/feedback, either add them as comments or e-mail me and I would be happy to answer them! If you need to find a CR group in your area, go to http://www.celebraterecovery.com/ and there is a group finder header that will allow you to look by state and city for active groups.

The Introduction to My Book Spiritual Spackle that I am currently writing

What is Spiritual Spackle, you may be wondering. Spiritual Spackle is the way that the Holy Spirit works in our lives to help us through the ups and downs that this world throws at us. It is how, through a partnership with the Holy Spirit, we can have the ability to: put down the beer, the heroin, the third helping of chocolate cake, or the credit card. It allows us to let go of the anger, shame and insecurities. Through this relationship we can stop having premarital sex or affairs. We can focus on ourselves and what we need to change instead of focusing on everyone else. It is what supplies us with faith, hope, compassion and love. 


 Later in Chapter 16 I will get deeper into defining the meaning of Spiritual Spackle, both what it means and how it works to overcome addictions and heartaches (life consuming issues). Spiritual Spackle has it’s own chapter because it is that important to overcoming our hurts, addictions and other things that keep us separated from God. And yes, I do believe that we can separate ourselves from God, he never leaves us but we can have actions that remove us from Him. 


This is not a book that will tell you that once you are saved, you are always saved. The Bible dispels that myth numerous times, such as in Matthew 16:27 where it says, “For the Son of Man is going to come in His Father's glory with His angels, and then He will reward each person according to what he has done." and 2 Timothy 2:12 states, “if we endure, we will also reign with him. If we disown him, he will also disown us.” and finally in Matthew 7:21-23, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!” If you want fluff, you will be better off reading a romance novel. 
I believe that God loves us, and because He loves us he wants us to put Him first in ALL that we do. Not some of what we do, but in every aspect of our lives. Matthew 22:37, Luke 10:27 and Mark 12:30 say that the most important commandment is to love God with all of our heart, mind, strength and soul. God comes first and foremost in our lives. 


In this beginning part I want to explain why this book was written and what makes up the 20 plus chapters that it contains in brief. It contains an autobiography of my life: from growing up a Jehovah’s Witness in what I considered to be a normal family, to becoming an abused child who liked to fight and enjoyed pain, transitioning into a drug addicted agnostic convict and from there to a realization that I was a child of God that was promised eternal live if I accepted Christ, made changes and lived my life right. 


My life story is juxtaposed with how Christ and the Holy Spirit have worked in my life and the changes that God has wrought through out my life to allow me to no longer look at myself as an addict or a convict. It also contains the theories, both Spirit given and Biblically founded, that were the biggest factors in my life changing. With the help of God leading me I came to realize that I wasn’t born to be a good example of how NOT to live one’s life. 


Mercy Me, in their song entitled Beautiful, say “You’re Beautiful, you were made for so much more than all of this. You’re beautiful, you are treasured, you are sacred you are His, you’re beautiful.” That is how I see my life in its’ entirety. In my child hood and early adulthood, I was made for so much more than what I had become. In my walk with Christ I have came to realize that my life was bought and is no longer mine, that I was created in the image of Christ and that makes me a beautiful child in God’s eyes.


 I have heard this quote several times attributed to Ethel Waters, “God don’t make no junk,” and I agree with her. We were created to be perfect and we chose not to be. Even though we are not perfect we are still not trash to be thrown out. That said, both the things that happen to us and how we live our lives could make us feel as if we are junk if we allow them to. I allowed my past to control my present and to insure that I did not have any hope for a future. I was known to brag that if there was a hell, that is where I was going. 


Now that I am positively living my life by putting Christ first I want to share how that transformation was made possible, how what I thought was impossible became a viable option. In fact, living life well and enjoying it became the only option that I could see once my blinders were removed. It was not easy at first, but then I would tell you that there is rarely anything in life that does come easy. Ultimately, it was a lot easier than I tried to make it. 


I tried to make living my life better a much more difficult task than it really was. I tried to take control of my life to enact the changes I felt needed to be made, and I wound up making my life a complete sham. If nothing else, I made my life worse. I lied to all of those who were close to me, I was afraid to tell people who I truly was out of fear that they would reject me, that they would not like me for me. What I found out was quite the opposite. My true friends respected me more for being honest and open with them. In the end, my being honest with people, accepting that God had a purpose for my life and the realization that it was not for me to know what it was but to stop asking questions and start making changes that began with the addition of one primary rule in my life that the miracle happened. 


I will get into that one primary rule that really helped me begin living my life as a Christian in Chapter 15. It is so simple but yet we can make it very difficult. I have had to learn to swallow my pride, which was much larger than I had ever realized. I took pride in my criminality, in my drug usage, in being violent, in being a drug dealer, in sleeping around, in being classified as having an antisocial personality disorder and in having multiple mental health diagnosis. I was proud of my deficiencies because it was all that I thought I had. 


I hit rock bottom several times. Several of my rock bottoms were cavernous, what some would see as Grand Canyons. I would always come back up somehow, and then find ways to make my previous rock bottom look like a shallow hole. I could not, by using only my self and the prescribed generic Higher Power of my understanding that I was equipped with as an agnostic, keep myself out of trouble. In fact I am certain that it kept me in trouble. 


I was still miserable; I could not really stand myself. I had to figure out somehow that my life was worth something, that all of the horrific things that had either happened to me or that I had done to others had a purpose. The writing of this book, how I live my life now and my goal to travel and speak both motivationally and inspirationally  at conferences/churches/recovery centers/halfway houses/homeless shelters/schools/colleges are a major part of that purpose. 


If I can share with others how I went from me being considered both by others and by myself the dregs of society to a life that others are inspired by where I am guaranteed salvation, where I am no longer owned by addiction than I have lived a great life. If sharing that brings one Christian into a closer relationship with Christ, or gives one addict the courage to accept Christ into their life, or gives one convict a glimmer of hope that their life can change for the better than that is one of my purposes for life………..and the sole purpose for writing this book.

Scriptures of Recovery - Beginning of a New Blog

Welcome to scriptures of recovery. This is where I will look at the scriptures that were instrumental in my  overcoming my addiction through the help of the  Holy Spirit, kept me in church long enough for the Holy Spirit to work on me, allowed me to forgive myself or blessed me with a stronger relationship with God. I will not lie, I do not believe that Christianity is a religion. Not to quote a T-Shirt, but religion is one's search for a Higher Power, or man trying to work their way to God. Christianity is God coming to us through a relationship with Christ.

I have heard people say that they found Jesus, and I have heard others say that you cannot find Jesus. I would actually agree with the latter. I never found Jesus. He wasn't lost, I was! He came to were I was and gave me the power to overcome my past life and begin a new one. It was not religion that got me through my addiction. It was the Holy Spirit and Jesus coming to where I was at. Religion did not save me, Christ did! 

How do I know that God exists? All I have to do is examine my life before and after. If I were on a diet, I could look at the before and after pictures and tell whether or not it was successful. If there were things that I did other than exercise or eating better, such as methamphetamine or some other artificial way I would know because I would be ingesting it. I could also step on the scale, or I could use a tape measure to see how much my waist had shrunk. I could also tell if it was successful by how my clothes fit. These would all be valid ways for me to tell if it was working. So, how can we tell if the changes wrought in us are imagination or reality? How can we tell if it is worldly means or supernatural means that cause us to change?

So, why do I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit. How do I know that it worked:

1. I stopped taking my prescribed medications, stopped seeing counselors/psychiatrists, stopped going to secular 12 step meetings and stopped following secular methods of recovery. I turned to the spiritual and scriptural realms instead. I used prayer, meditation, reading and Celebrate Recovery. So it was not worldly means. I would know if I was ingesting some worldly intervention, and I was no longer doing that. I had given up hope of being successful by secular means.

2. The before and after picture of my life is night and day. I am not who I once was, and that has been said to me repeatedly by people who knew me before and after (think of the diet and everyone asking what you are doing to lose weight). I am now trusted to watch children, and to have keys to businesses that people own. I am asked for advice and taken into confidence, not called up to come and fight someone's battles. When clients cuss in front of me in groups, they do not apologize to the group. Instead, they apologize to me.

3. When I look at the people in my life, which I feel is a good measuring stick, I see major difference. I see people who put their kids and other's first. I see people that I can trust to watch my son, and not worry about him coming home and repeating the "F" bomb. There are no longer people who might get drunk or high around me or my son, not would their house get raided while I was there. Finally, I can turn my back and not worry about getting shot or robbed. So the tape measure definitely shows change.

4. I have tried to go to the places that I used to hang out at (think old clothes), but they just do not fit me anymore. I do not want to be around drunks, I cannot stand the smell of cigarettes and I feel out of place. I no longer fit into the old role. I am not the angry guy that fights at the drop of a hat. I am instead the peacemaker and the one in the advisor role.

So, those are just several of the ways that I can tell that something is different in my life. That something is me, not only my life but also the people in my life. Some of the people have stayed the same, but I do not let my circle of friends get stagnant. I tell people that you always need to have people in your life who are like how you want to be, not like how you are. If I want to get better at anything, I do that by playing against people who are better than I am. If I want to live a better life, I do that by having people in my life who are living better than I am. Due to this, I am always adding new friends.

So, part of my relationship with God has came through my reading of scripture and what those scriptures have meant to me. Scriptures of recovery will contain scriptures that helped give me hope and/or faith. A reading that revealed to me God's ability to forgive or showed me His mercy. I would often feel unworthy of God's forgiveness, or truly helpless/powerless, or unable to fit in at church and out of place due to my past. Sometimes I would simply come up with excuses because I was afraid of opening myself up just to be rejected or let down. The scriptures that helped me overcome all of this and build a relationship with God through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit will be listed. Why they helped and what they made me realize will also be included.

I hope that the little bit of insight that I have into these particular verses will be able to help you the reader either come into relationship with Christ, overcome your addictions/hurts/excuses or build a stronger relationship. Thanks for reading, and the next Scriptures of Recovery will actually contain a scripture!

Songs of Recovery - How the Devil Used Music to Control Me

There is something about music that really affects us. It has the ability to impact our lives, it can make life seem more worth living. Even Friedrich Nietzsche had to admit that. He said that, "Without music, life would be a mistake." Music is a great escape. It can save us from our feelings, or it can intensify them. Maya Angelou said, "Music was my refuge.  I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness." 

Music has always affected me in immeasurable ways. Like food is for our physical body, I believe that music is food for our soul. It will nourish us, sustain us, we are what we eat. Junk food is seen through our physical bodies when we have too much of it. That said, if we listen to junk music it can be seen in our actions and how we live our lives. Just like food, music has a manifestation.

I can remember listening to mostly gangster rap and heavy metal when I was in my addiction. I was angry, so I listened to angry music. I was violent, and I listened to music about violence. I was an addict and a drunk, so I listened to music about drug dealing and partying. I reveled in my sin, so I listened to songs about debauchery. I had extreme road rage, and have punched people at red lights and stop signs for cutting me off in traffic. The music encouraged my rage, and discouraged restraint.

Don't get me wrong, I take responsibility for my actions. That said, the music helped. Kind of like smoking cigarettes and cancer. You may not want to get cancer, yet you smoke. You are still responsible for the choice that you made, but the cigarettes led to lung cancer having a higher probability of occurance in you. Music is the same way. I probably would have continued making negative choices in my life without the music, but the music increased the probability of my making the choices that I did.

Even after the addiction, I still kept the music. And I wondered why I stayed angry. I wondered why I still felt such a strong pull to always do the wrong thing, to make the worst possible choice in any given scenario. I feel that music is just another way that the Devil can control us. I heard songs about drugs, money, threesomes and other sins. I sang these songs, and I liked them. Tell me that is not reinforcing the behaviors.

Why would you go to church and hear about Jesus dying to forgive us of our sins, then sing songs that praise the sins that Jesus died to forgive us of when we are not in church. I thank Jesus in church for dying to forgive the very same sins that I praise by singing about outside of church? That is nonsensical at best, and pure sin at its' worst. I believe that it sends mixed messages to those who know that we are Christian, to our family members and especially to our children. This goes back to a past blog that asked if you are a stop or a go Christian that you can find here:  http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/stop-or-go.html

If we truly believe in the Bible and are trying to represent Christ, we would not sing songs that glorify sin! If you want to change your life, why would you only change one aspect of it and not change it completely? My listening and singing the songs that I did was just one more way for the Devil to control what went into my mind and came out of my mouth. It was also influencing my moods, emotions, how I appeared to those around me and how people look at Christians if I am one that they have close contact with.

 As a dad, I cannot imagine hearing my son sing the lyrics that permeated my life as an addict. Why would I want my son to hear music that is diametrically opposed to how I want him to grow up. He soaks up everything, and I know that what I listened to would have a detrimental effect on him if I still listened to it.........so I do not. I have made the switch to worship music. I no longer listen to secular music except on rare occasions. I no longer go to secular concerts, I only attend worship concerts. This is my choice, and I will get into the reasons for that in another blog. 

The bottom line is, we need to change what we ingest mentally. There is an acronym, GIGO, that come to mind. It stands for garbage in garbage out. If I continue to soak my soul with music that is garbage, then that will encourage me to act in ways that garbage, metaphorically speaking. The blogs that are entitled Songs of Recovery will be blogs that discuss how different songs have positively affected my recovery and strengthened my belief in Christ and will end with a video of the song. They will also discuss how that song can be used by you to encourage and strengthen your walk with Christ, or help you build a stronger recovery.

To end this blog, I do not have a song. Instead, I have a poem from the Passion for Christ Movement, or P4CM. It discusses how the devil loses us when we give up our secular interests and begin focusing on Christ and being Christ-like. How Dynamic Living and being a Lukewarm Christian are the exact opposite. It discusses how we have to make unpopular decisions and separate ourselves from worldly things. Christ did not call us to be comfortable...........

Living Free Video Shot for New Life Church

Celebrate Recovery Lesson 2 - POWERLESS

Lesson 2 - POWERLESS

Principle 1: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

"Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor." Matthew 5:3

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." (Romans 7:18)

When we accept the first recovery principle and take that first step out of our denial and into reality, we there are very few things that we really have control over. Once we admit that by ourselves we are powerless we can stop living with the following serenity robbers, the bandits that steal away our faith and hope, spelled out in the following acrostic:

P ride
O nly ifs
W orry
E scape
R esentment
L oneliness
E mptiness
S elfishness
S eparation

PRIDE – Ignorance + pride + power = a deadly mixture
Proverbs 29: 23 - "Pride ends in a fall, while humility brings honor."

List some of the ways that your pride has stopped you from asking for and getting the help you need to overcome your hurts, hang-ups, and habits.
I'm supposed to have it together. I'm the one that my friends and family come to when they need encouragement and advice.  I am a counselor, I should not have any problems. I have this under control, I can do this my way. My way is the last addiction, holding onto the locus of control. Pride forgets God, or feels our plans for our lives are better. Want to make God laugh, tell him your  plans for your future.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9)

ONLY IFS - keep us trapped in a fantasyland of rationalization
Luke 12: 2, 3 - "Whatever is covered up will be uncovered, and every secret will be made known. So then, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in broad daylight."

What in your past has caused you to have the "if onlys"?  Ex.:"If only" I had stopped ______years ago.  "If only" ______________ hadn't left me.

If only I wasn’t a felon, if only I wasn’t an addict, if only I had a job, if only I, if only I, If I only had a brain! In this program we start testimonies with I am a grateful believer in JC who struggles with __________. I do not struggle with ______, instead I have been blessed with many trials and tribulations that have strengthened me and my relationship with my higher power.

WORRYING – a from of not trusting god enough

Matthew 6:34 - "Don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time."
What is worry? It is defined as, "to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret. To torment with cares, anxieties, etc.

Instead of worrying about things that we cannot control, we need to focus on what God can do in our lives.  What are you worrying about?  Why?
If I worry, that simply means that I am not trusting God enough. If I truly believe in God, than I know one thing - God's got this! If you have trouble, try this short little prayer:

So, Lord - I give these worries to you.  Lord forgive me for worrying - I know your word says to not be anxious for anything - Lord help me to trust you more!

ESCAPE –a world of fantasy and unrealistic expectations of us and others
Ephesians 5: 13, 14 - "For the light is capable of showing up everything for what it really is. It is possible for the light to turn the thing it shines upon into light also."

In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?  Be specific.

I have tried to dull the pain with excess foods, drugs, alcohol, relationships, shopping, violence and sex. I have learned to recognize the pain now for what it is and am able to work through it with the Lord's help.  It's a vicious cycle - life's stress and regrets can make me feel hopeless and then I use, and that makes me feel even more hopeless so I use again - You can only imagine how glad to be off of that merry-go-round I am. I'm no longer hiding from these things and have searched myself and realized that my not trusting the Lord is sin, and that the act of addiction is sin, and not exercising and treating my body as God's temple is sin - so I've repented from these things - I still fail, but I'm recognizing it quicker and getting back on track.

RESENTMENTS – an emotional cancer if allowed to fester and grow
Ephesians 4: 26-27 - "In your anger do not sin ... do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."

How has holding on to your anger and your resentments affect you?

It's made me sick.  Holding onto these things and stuffing down the feelings with addiction, has kept me from growing up and growing in the Lord. This has been a process of uncovering things I was holding on to and had to really internalize that if God loved me so much, enough to send his son to die for me - and has forgiven me - then I needed to let go and "accept" his forgiveness and trust in his forgiveness.

LONELINESS – In recovery and in Christ, we never have to walk alone
Hebrews 13: 1, 2 - "Continue to love each other with true brotherly love. Don't forget to be kind to strangers, fos some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it."

Do you believe that loneliness is a choice?  Why or why not?  How has your denial isolated you from your important relationships?

Yes, loneliness isdefinitely a choice. It may be subconscious at times, but it is a choice.  I can remember feeling so lonely in my house of five.  I became so self centered that I could not think about anyone else, but myself.  Again, this has a been a process to overcome the detachment, isolation and self-centeredness - I still battle the negative thinking that no-one wants me around and such - but I've learned to tell myself otherwise - learning scripture has helped keep me grounded. Learning who I am in Christ and then realizing that others are thinking and feeling the same way that I am- helps me to focus on them and share God's love with them - and realize that even if no one is around, the Lord is always there.  If I can't get others focused - I can almost always get Christ focused!

EMPTINESS
John 10:10 - "My purpose is to give life in all its fullness."

Describe the emptiness you feel and some new ways you are finding to fill it?

I used to feel empty. I felt that I had no purpose, that I was nothing, no good, a junkie and a convict. When I woke up in the morning as an Agnostic, I knew that right there was probably the best that I would feel all day, maybe the rest of my life. That kind of not having anything to look forward to was depressing. I have found contentment and joy in the Bible. God's word fills me with his promises and hope for tomorrow and I've gotten a lot of joy sharing that same love and joy with others to help make their lives full!

SELFISHNESS – we often pray, our father who art in heaven, gimme gimme
Luke 17:33 - "Whoever clings to his life shall lose it, and whoever loses his life shall save it."
What does it mean to be selfish? It is defined as, "devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. Characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself."

Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people.  In what areas of your life have you been selfish?    
Facebook and video games began to be an issue. I would come home and pour myself into the computer, playing games and facebooking with the stress of my job as my excuse to ignore my family and play games to escape. Then I realized how much that was hurting my wife and my son. In the past I would see people that gave and gave of themselves and I admired it, but I had never really seen that in my own life. I had never even considered doing that in my own life. I had never jumped wholely into anything.  I have began to give of myself instead of only taking. I still need to give more of myself at work, more of myself to my son, more of myself to my fiancé, and more of myself to Christ. But I have started, and that is better than it was!  

SEPARATION – some talk of finding God, as if he could ever get lost
Romans 8: 38, 39 - "For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from His love. Death can't and life can't. The angels won't and all the powers of hell itslef cannot keep God's love away ... Nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when He died for us."

Separation from God can feel very real but it is never permanent.  What can you do to get closer to God?

I know all it takes is for one or two mornings to wake up a little late and then boom - I'm off on my own again. I need to remember to start my day with God, and that if He is needed He is never more than a knee away when I pray. I make my days wrong, I have the first thought wrong syndrome. With Christ guiding me I now have first thought right!  

FOUR ACTIONS from Principle 1

1.) STOP DENYING THE PAIN. You are ready to take your first step in recovery since you have identified that your pain is greater than your fear. 

Psalm 6: 2, 3 - "Pity me, O Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, for my body is sick, and I am upset and disturbed. My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom."

2.) STOP PLAYING GOD. You are unable to do for yourself what you need God to do for you.  You are either going to serve God or yourself.  you can't serve both. 

Matthew 6: 24 - "No one can be a slave to two masters: he will hate one and love the other; he will be loyal to one and despise the other."

3.) START ADMITTING OUR POWERLESSNESS. As you work the first principle, you are  seeing that by yourself you do not have the power to change your hurts, hang-ups, and habits

Matthew 19:26 - "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

4.) START ADMITTING THAT OUR LIVES HAVE BECOME UNMANAGEABLE. You can and have admitted that some/all areas of your life are out of your control to change.

Psalm 40:12 - "Problems far too big for me to solve are piled higher than my head. Meanwhile my sins, too many to count, have all caught up with me and I am ashamed to look up."