The Sky is the Limit - My Story as related to Heroes in Recovery

My story was recently put on the Heroes in Recovery website. I would ask that you visit their website (www.heroesinrecovery.com) and check out everything that they are doing to break stigma and share the hope that there is a Better Life in Recovery. Here is the link to my story on their website: http://heroesinrecovery.com/stories/9206/

Here is what they printed:

Hi, my name is David and I am a person in long-term recovery. What that means for me is that I have not used drugs or alcohol since January 31, 2009 and because of that I have been able to accomplish things I never would have dreamed possible. I am a husband, father, sponsor, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, hope dealer and director of the nonprofit Better Life in Recovery (BLiR).

I was abused physically and sexually as a child. I used alcohol and other drugs to escape my past and deal with anger, depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder I was diagnosed with. I was introduced to methamphetamine my senior year, and partying ended up being more important than school so I dropped out of school.

After over 20 years of substance use, attempting suicide, dying more times than I can count on one hand and being to jail more times than I can count on my fingers and toes I thought nothing would ever change. Boy was I wrong.

I asked God for something different, and He answered that prayer. I have not used since I decided to focus on recovery instead of substance abuse. My focus shifted. I paid attention to my successes instead of my failures. I applied the five pillars of recovery: Higher Power, meetings, sponsor, accountability partners and the 12 steps. Then I added the missing piece, service to my community, and it has made all the difference.

Don’t get me wrong, my life has had ups and downs. At times, life kicks me in the butt and my world shakes. The difference is how I cope with that today. I work through my problems and conquer them instead of letting them beat me. Doing this has made me stronger and wiser! I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope!

Currently, I am a counselor for the Greene County, MO treatment courts through Preferred Family Healthcare. I went from high school drop out to having four college degrees. I married an amazing woman and we have an amazing family. I sit on multiple boards and planning committees that are focused on making the world a better place.

My passion is BLiR. Our mission is transforming lives with recovery. We deal hope and reduce stigma people who struggle with substance use and mental health issues face through community service, education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. In 2012 we did one event, in 2013 we did three events, in 2014 we did eight and we are aiming for over 50 events in 2015 with weekly fellowship events.

Today, I know the sky is the limit for people in long-term recovery. My goal is to educate people on the wonders of long-term recovery, give people who are still struggling hope they can achieve long-term recovery and people in recovery the courage to come forward and be proud of who they have become while rejoining and making their communities better!

Reducing Stigma in Your Community

How do you reduce stigma? We have so much of it to battle, and it has existed for so long at times it seems insurmountable. After all, the attention is almost always focused on the negatives. We hear about celebrities dying of overdoses and their public behavior when they are intoxicated. The news is always splashed with stories about the drunk driver involved in the fatal accident, with reporters saying, “Authorities think drugs or alcohol may have been involved.”

According to the medical profession, alcoholism has been a disease since . In 1808 Benjamin Rush said, “My observations authorize me to say, that persons who have been addicted to them, should abstain from them suddenly and entirely, “Taste not, handle not, touch not' should be inscribed upon every vessel that contains spirits in the house of a man, who wishes to be cured of habits of intemperance.” He went on to say, "habitual drunkenness should be regarded not as a bad habit but as a disease"

In 1987 the AMA said, "drug dependencies, including alcoholism, are diseases and that their treatment is a legitimate part of medical practice." They went on to add coding to the ICD under both medical and psychiatric sections.  Alcohol and drug use has been identified as being a disease because it has biological, neurological, genetic and environmental origins and causes changes to our brains.

Yet we face the stigma because people say it was our choice to use. That may be true, but a lot of people have various health issues; diseases that they have control over.  Immediately coming to my mind is: lung cancer, obesity and diabetes. When someone survives lung cancer, even though they attributed to it be smoking for years, his victory over cancer is celebrated. When someone is in the middle of a crisis because of their diabetes, people rush to help them. I have never heard anyone say, “Who cares, they did it to themselves” even though that might be an accurate statement.

Most people struggling with a disease are surrounded by their friends, and praised for the efforts they are making. They are met with love, understanding, encouragement, compassion and empathy. Not so for most of us who struggle with the disease of addiction. We are met with apathy and occasionally sympathy. We are looked down on frequently when we visit emergency rooms and urgent cares. Something has to change, and here are examples just from this year:

·         I had people not buy tickets to the Recovery Day at Hammons Field because they were worried the parents of their kids friends might be at the game, “If they were to see me with the recovery group and find out about my past I am afraid they wouldn’t let their kids play with mine.

·         When Phillip Seymour Hoffman died, the comments on social media were horrible, “Who cares, just another dead junkie” and “He was sober for a while and relapsed. These people never get better.”

·         When Hallie was murdered, “Who ever did that had to be taking something,” This implies that drugs and alcohol are the cause of evil in our world. Evil is evil, no matter.

We have a lot of changes we need to make in order to combat the stigma that exists. Here is what we have been trying locally. We still have a lot more to do, but we had a great start and things will only be getting bigger based on what follows.

In 2013 we had a couple of events:

1.       River Clean Up float trip that 5 people went on. We met in the morning, floated, then left.

2.       BBQ for Recovery Month that was attended by around 100 people.  We had hot dogs and games and gave away about $1,000 worth of stuff.

3.       Baseball game attended by 15 people in recovery.

In 2014 we grew and accomplished more:

1.       River clean up that was attended by 75 people. We got there in the afternoon for live music, BBQ, prizes and 3 speakers from 3 different fellowships. We had a speaker from AA, NA and Celebrate Recovery then we finished the night with smores and a camp out. The following morning we had a pancake breakfast and floated and cleaned up the river followed by more prizes.  The cost was only $20 a person!

2.       5K/10K Recovery Run and Family Friendly BBQ. We had 125 people register to run, then after the run had BBQ chicken and sides, bounce houses, temporary tattoos, face painting, free massages from massage therapists, adjustments from a chiropractor not to mention door prizes. The cost was 30 for the 5K, 40 for the 10K and the BBQ was open to the public and it was free! Senator Dixon presented a proclamation for recovery month from the state and Councilman Compton presented a proclamation from the city of Springfield!

3.       We had recovery day at Hammons Field that was attended by 300 people who were either in recovery, worked with people in recovery or loved someone in recovery. State Rep Eric Burlison came and threw out the first pitch to support us while we had a parade around the field that had come out to support recovery day.

4.       We partnered with Springfield Public Schools and painted 2 elementary school play grounds over the summer.

5.       I presented at the annual Voice and Choice Conference about what BLiR was doing locally and  how it could be duplicated by other people in other areas.

6.       We have partnered with SoBear, which is a sober collegiate community at Missouri State, and are screening “The Anonymous People” next Monday at 6 followed by a panel discussion with door prizes including an iPad and a $100 Visa gift card.

7.       We will be featured in Addiction Professional Magazine, I made a recovery PSA with KY3, Ozark Journal did a piece on BLiR and BLiR was on KY3 news twice and KOLR10 once. 

I cannot wait to see what is coming next year, as there are talks of starting a community garden and a stream team. BLiR will be attempting to do 24 education, awareness and service projects in 2015! I am in the middle of writing the 501c3 paperwork so it can get filed and we will be forming a board. We are busy and it will only be getting better, but WE NEED YOUR HELP!!!

If this is something that interests you or you can do, we will take all the help we can get. Whether it is donating time, money, experience, writing grants, volunteering, becoming a founding board member or just enjoying the events when we have them contact me and I will add you to the mailing list. Together we WILL reduce stigma while celebrating people who are in long-term recovery!!!

If you are in the Springfield, MO area and are wondering what we are doing, come by Plaster Student Union at Missouri State University at 6 P.M. tonight and see the documentary that is getting people excited about recovery. Admission is free and open to the public. Door prizes include an iPad and a $100 Visa gift card. Stay after the screening for a panel discussion and an opportunity to ask any questions you may have!

I Used to be an Addict.............

Everyone wants a magical cure, especially addicts. That is the dream. We as addicts want not only a cure, but we want it quick and easy. After all, it I could be cured from my addiction than I could once again be just like everybody else. I could be normal. That would be amazing.

That is the promise from Passages, will locations in Malibu and Ventura. Their trademarked slogan is "At Passages - Addiction Ends Here." How comforting that must be, to know that all I have to do is go to one of their places and my addiction will end. How can Passages make such a lofty claim? Because Pax has been clean now for over a decade and was helped by his father Chris, who did self-help seminars to make people successful.

Based off of the experiences that Pax Prentiss and his father had with the addiction Pax struggled with, they have figured it out for everyone. I guess that when it comes to recovery, one size fits all. That is so good to know, that what works for one person can be "guaranteed" to help everyone else. Because of that, they claim to do treatment different from everyone else.

For starters, they have a cure for something that is not a disease. Passages states that after all of their research they have discovered that the entire medical and psychiatric field is wrong. Addiction is not a disease. Since it is not a disease, they have a cure. Unfortunately, all of the research I have read has stated that addiction is a brain disease. They base that off of the changes that occur in the brain chemistry and wiring using that pesky scientific model and research that can be duplicated.

Next, they claim that the 12 steps are antiquated, much like the disease model of addiction. Passages Malibu claims to have cured thousands. of people. The antiquated 12 steps, on the other hand, have helped millions find long-term recovery. I guess that you can make any claim that you want, warranted you are not asked to provide any research to back it  up.

I want to add that I don't disbelieve all of what Passages says and does. They use psychotherapy, or one-on-one individual counseling, as the core of their practice. I fully believe in that. Use evidence-based practices to treat the disease of addiction. They also state that the drug/alcohol is not the problem. Instead, there is another issue that drugs/alcohol are used to numb and escape from. I also agree with that.

In fact, that is the reason why people who go to 12 step meetings are expected to get a sponsor and work the steps with that sponsor. That is why all treatment providers that I know of do co-occurring, trauma, CBT, Adlerian, Gestalt, Psychoanalytic, Family and narrative therapies with their clients. These methods are all used to work  through the "why" of our use. It has been that way since the inception of the 12 steps Passages makes it sound like they invented it, but it has been done for quit some time now.

They also stress exercise, watching what you eat, meditating and taking better care of yourself. This is vastly important, because most of us while our addiction is active don't take very good care of ourselves at all. Add the anxiety, depression and trauma that most of us deal with and you have a perfect storm for unhealthy physical habits to kick in.

Passages is also big on activities such as Tai Chi, Yoga, Ropes, hiking and team sports that are obviously done all by yourself, because they don't believe in group therapy according to their website. I agree with all of these as viable modes of treatment, but all of these sound like what other places call group therapy. Why do other places call it group therapy? Because it is a form of therapy and it is done with other people, ie a group. Hard to have team building without a team.

Group therapy also allows you to find support and build accountability partners. The 12 step support meetings allow for us to do the same thing. Yet, according to the Passages website these are outdated and don't work. I personally swear by them, and I have met thousands of other people who have used them to find and keep long-term recovery. Many of them I have met have been clean and sober since before Passages started. Guess I should tell them the method they have used to attain multiple decades of sobriety isn't effective.  

The price tag of Passages is amazing. Last I looked it was about $65,000 at Malibu and $40,000 at Ventura..................a month!!!! Chris Prentice is good at making money, and he found a new hustle his son could enjoy so that he would no longer feel the need to hustle on the streets. Instead, they found a legal hustle that leads to the death and destruction of others. That scares me!

For as much as Passages says they are interested in helping others, they set many up for relapse if not death. You see, if I am cured, than I can use again. End of discussion. If I discover why I drink and/or drug by working through my past problems, than I can now drink and drug again without a problem. That will lead to relapse, and the next relapse someone has could very well be the one that kills them.

You see, I have worked through the abuse of my childhood and multiple other intense traumas. I have worked through the memory of dying more times than I can count on one hand, gong to jail umpteen times and finally going to prison. I have forgiven and accepted all that I have done in the past because it makes me the person I am today. I define myself today not by  my addiction, but by my recovery.

That said, I never want to forget my past. Not only did it make me the person I am today, it gave me knowledge of my limitations. I have a disease that makes me unable to use drugs and alcohol like "normal" people. I will always have that inability. Some call it an allergy, but based on science it is a disease and it has no known cure. However, I have found that through the 5 Pillars it can be managed!

The 5 Pillars

1.  Higher Power - Find something bigger than yourself that can give you acceptance, love, respect, forgiveness and validation. The only thing I have found that works for me is Christ. I have seen others use the fellowship. 
2. Meetings - Find a place where you can get support and feedback from peers. I get the most hope from speaker meetings and Celebrate Recovery testimony nights. 
3. 12 Steps - Find a game plan to change the way you live your life. I use both the 12 steps and the Bible, as they compliment each other in many ways and both lead me to a richer and more fulfilling life. 
4. Sponsor/Mentor -  Find someone who has the life  you would like to have in 5 years and ask them to teach you how they got there. This is the person who will help you apply the 12 steps, kind of like a coach teaching you a game plan for success.
5. Accountability Partners - Find people who you can depend on who are not afraid to call you out when you are falling short, support you when you are struggling and encourage you when things are going well 

There is one thing I would add to the 5 pillars that many people are missing, and it makes all of the difference, community service. Community service puts us back into the communities we live in, and instead of taking them for all they can give us we instead are giving all that we can back. It helps us reengage with our community and once again feel a part of it. Service work is very important for my sobriety, community service is vital for my recovery. 

Wrapping Up Recovery Month

September was Recovery Month. It was a momentous one, too, as it was the 25^thanniversary of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) very first declaration of Recovery Month. This was also the month Better Life in Recovery (BLiR) decided to really roll out and begin trying to tackle stigma and ignorance head on.

Don’t get me wrong, BLiR has done several events already. BLiR did an outreach in Ash Grove for the youth and community warning of the dangers of addiction and wonders of recovery. There was also the Back to School Bash at New Life Church, which reached over 100 youth and adults. This year was different, this year was bigger.

In January, multiple organizations and individuals joined BLiR because they too shared the same vision. The vision was to deal hope and decimate stigma surrounding addictions and mental health issues through community service, education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. That first meeting, several committees were formed and the ball started rolling.

We opted to have 4 subcommittees. Each subcommittee would have their own leader, who would ultimately report to the founder of director of BLiR. We decided on 3 events and an ongoing service arm:

1.       Recovery Day at Hammon’s Field  

2.       Getting Dirty for Staying Clean 5K/10K Trail Run and Family Fun BBQ

3.       Getting Dirty for Staying Clean Float and River Clean Up

4.        Community Service events

After finishing the last recovery event, I have learned several things. For starters, dream big. We sold 300 tickets to the ball game. State Representative Eric Burlison showed up and threw out the first pitch of the game to support us. We had 125 people register to run the 5K/10K. We just finished the campout and had 75 people join us. We had a proclamation for recovery month presented by Senator Bob Dixon for the State of Missouri and another presented by Councilman Jerry Compton for the City of Springfield. For Springfield, it was the first time that the proclamation had been made!

We found some amazing sponsors who contributed goods that made the events successful. We received food, drinks, paper supplies and prizes for giveaways. We sold naming rights and various other things at the race, and we made some great partners in the community. Now we meet in two weeks,on Saturday October 11^th at 1. The location as it stands is the Champion Center and I am super excited for it.

The next meeting we have there will be discussions about what we plan for next year. We will talk about what went right and how we can make it even better next year. We will also talk about the things that did not go as planned and that we were not prepared for so that we can learn from them. We will discuss what events we want to do next year and begin planning.

I am most excited about the prospect of writing the paperwork for BLiR to become a 501c3 and forming a board of directors. We have had a great foundation laid this year, and I would argue that all of our events were very successful. There were some learning experiences, but those are growing pains that are expected this early in the life of an organization.

Personally, I am exhausted. This is a run down of my last 30 days:

1.       August 29^th: Recovery Day at Hammon’s Field

2.       August 30^th: Race Walkthrough at Rutledge Wilson Farm Park and meeting on float trip

3.       September 5^th: Set up for the 5K

4.       September 6^th: The 1^st Annual Getting Dirty for Staying Clean 5K/10K Trail Run and BBQ

5.       September 12^th: Taught a lesson on recovery at Glendale Christian Church for Celebrate Recovery

6.       September 13^th: Emceed and helped set up and break down for the 4^th Annual Recovery Outreach in the Ozarks

7.       September 14^th: Shared my testimony at the Church at the Center’s Kids Festival and Benefit Concert

8.       September 25^th: Final Float Meeting

9.       September 26^th: Shared my testimony for the Say NO to Drugs Virginia state campaign

10.   September 27^th-28^th: Set up, Camp out and Float Trip then break down

When I say breakdown, I don’t mean psychologically, but today I am feeling shot. I am tired, because on top of all of this I have a wife and 2 children, a full time job and a lot of people that I meet with and talk to who are struggling on a weekly basis outside of work. I have learned several lessons, but I think that I will share those later.

Today, I just want to say that I am grateful for a wife, friends, coworkers and recovery community that support what I do! I am blessed beyond belief and as well as we did this year, I can’t imagine what next year will look like!!

Last but not least, if getting involved with BLiR sounds interesting to you, send me your email address. I will make sure you are added to the email blasts that go out several times a month! If you have not hoped on the train yet, you might want to hop on board now before we leave the station for another amazing year!

Why I'll Never Use Again

I spent a majority of my life transitioning from one phase to the next in my spiritual walk. I have run the gamut from Jehovah’s Witness to atheist and back to a follower of Christ over the course of my life. I now know I will spend the rest of my life growing spiritually and never truly reaching the apex of my spiritual walk. I am perfectly okay with that. It is all about progress, not perfection.

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents went to church three times a week, and I went with them. Then I was molested by someone from my church, watched my father as his alcoholism progressed and witnessed my mother and father screaming at each other on the way to church then get out with fake smiles on their faces once we got there acting like we were the perfect family. By the time my mother left my dad and sent us to live with her father, I was lost and confused. My grandfather was an atheist, and he was also the most evil and abusive person I have ever met. My family leeched my hope and trust in anything from me.

I knew that I wanted to be nothing like any of them, so I became agnostic. There might or might not be something there, I was unsure. This is basically the flip flop option of spirituality. I refuse to commit to one side or the other, instead I balance on the fence with a precipice on either side I am unwilling to jump in to. Over time, I did commit to one side. I leaped headfirst into the atheist side. I could belittle others for their beliefs in that fairy tale they called religion. I felt that this side made me smarter, and if nothing I did really mattered that I could continue to live the life I wanted to.  After all, everything was random.

As an addict, I lacked concern for anything other than my next high or drunk. Anything that hindered that was my enemy. As an atheist, i lacked accountability. Those two combined for a perfect storm of problems for other people. 

I could manufacture and sell methamphetamine without really caring about its' impact on other people. I could seriously hurt people over tiny amounts of money (or for no reason at all) and not worry about any spiritual repercussions. I could steal from anyone, sleep with whoever I wanted to and leave them immediately after with no concerns other than legal ramifications.

Life was easy and uncomplicated. Unless the police caught me, I would never be held responsible for the things that I did. Even if they caught me, I would still never have to answer for EVERYTHING that I had done to people either intentionally or as collateral damage. My life was all about me.

I was a narcissistic hedonist. As long as I felt pleasure, it had to be right. After all, if this life was all there is, why should I not enjoy it? If it hurt someone else, that was not my fault. The law of the jungle applies, and only the strong survive. If you were weaker than me or had some kind of issue or instability, I could care less about you.

EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY! Life was too short not to live it up. I grabbed onto the James Dean mantra, live life fast and leave a good looking corpse. Carpe Diem, seize the day. After all, I could be dead tomorrow. As my addiction progressed, that changed. In my depression, I began to wish I could die. Hopelessness grew. I attempted suicide, and would have been successful if my sister and had not found me unconscious in a pool of blood. I would use to the point of overdose. I would drink and drive. I have played Russian Roulette multiple times; just me, a revolver and a single bullet. I had promised my sister I would not commit suicide and I justified Russian Roulette because it was chance.

Then I reached a point of no return, a true rock bottom that I have talked about in several other blogs. After trying jail, house arrest, probation, prison, parole, inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, 12 step programs, sponsors, medication and abstinence I did not know what else to do. When I reached the bottom of my barrel, I tried something I had long before given up on, God. I prayed, and struck a deal with God that I immediately tried to renege on the next day. But I couldn’t and I didn’t. It stuck.

I know that not everyone has the same results that I did. I prayed one day and made a deal with God. He upheld his end and I have tried to uphold mine. I have not drank, used drugs, smoked cigarettes, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight outside of a ring since that prayer. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know that I don’t have to use today.

Over time I have removed using tomorrow from the table as well. I now that I have another relapse in me. We all do. I also know that I am unsure if, in fact quite certain that I don’t, have another recovery left in the tank. I am pretty positive that the next time I use will kill me. The only relapse I have had was for 7 years and I overdosed 3 times. I have died more times than I can count on one hand and I am pretty sure I am not a cat, so I could quite possibly be out of second (or 7th) chances. 

Today I have too much to live for. I have a wife, 2 beautiful children and an amazing life. Plus, I know the damage my addiction caused and I take responsibility for that. Because of me and my drugs, lives were lost. I don’t want to ever be a part of that process again. I am here to deal hope, not steal it. I am here to save lives, not take them. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope and I will never go back to the way I used to be because I love the person I have become!

I see the damage that I caused in the lives of others. I was like a tornado and I left a trail of chaos and carnage in my wake.  I see the anger that I began to possess and spew while I was an atheist. I have found that neither of those choices are good for me. They are both colors that I should leave out of my wardrobe because they are unflattering. I am not saying that all addicts and atheists are the same way, but I was. I cannot be a hope dealer while I am bitter, angry and hopeless. I cannot help others when I am not even able to help myself. I had to change. I found the 5 Pillars of Recovery worked for me, as did following the platinum rule.

The 5 Pillars of Recovery

1.       Higher Power – I found Jesus. Okay, not really. It was not that Jesus was lost, I was. I gave God a chance. I turned my will and my life over to God and things have just been better. I have had experiences in my life that have convinced me that God is real! I would say my sobriety and lifestyle are living proof that God exists!!

2.       Game Plan – I use both the Bible and the 12 steps to carve out a better life for myself.

3.       Meetings – I won’t lie, I attend a lot of them on occasion. Every week I attend my Celebrate Recovery home group and attend a small group. I am also known to go to AA and NA meetings as well. Find what works best for you and then go, consistently and regularly.

4.       Sponsor/Mentor - If you want to be able to apply the 12 steps and/or the Bible to your lives and achieve the best outcome, find someone you would like to be at the level of in 5 years. Ask them to teach you how they got there, and then apply what you learn.

5.       Accountability Partners – Meet with someone consistently who you give permission to call you out on things. They can help support you and you can help support them.

Platinum rule – Treat others the way you would want them to treat the person you care about the most. That means you treat people like you would want them to treat your mom, dad, son, daughter, brother, sister, husband, wife, best friend, etc. If you would not want someone to do something to someone you love and care about, than don’t do it to someone else.

Add the 5 Pillars and the platinum rule to your life, and don’t stop using them. This is not a temporary change, this is a life long lifestyle change! The reason I don’t go back to using drug/alcohol/sex/cigarettes/violence, etc is that I have made my recovery a priority. I do recovery oriented things on a daily basis, multiple times each day. You do not get good at anything by not doing it. Practice makes you good, and once you get good at something only practice keeps you doing it well. I will never settle for good. I want great, so I practice the 5 Pillars and apply the platinum rule to all that I do. Finally, I have found one more additive that has made my recovery strong.

Community service is the missing link in many a program. It is not absolutely necessary for recovery, but it will make your recovery that much stronger and enjoyable. It is the icing on the cake. Community service says, “I used to destroy resources, now I am one!” This leads to more self-confidence, self-respect and self-worth. It makes the foundation of your recovery that much stronger!

Finally, spread the message of hope and strength found in recovery with anyone and everyone you come into contact with! I call myself a hope dealer, and you can be one too. Recovery is amazing, and so are you. Recovery is not only a possibility, it is a guarantee if you apply the 5 Pillars and work them. Let people know it! Together we will transform lives by sharing recovery and chip away at the stigma surrounding addiction and recovery until it is gone!

Better Life in Recovery Rocking in June

This past Saturday BLiR (Better Life in Recovery, Inc.) was scheduled to bring in a group of people and paint the Sunshine Elementary playground. There were soccer goals, basketball goals, swings, slides, monkey bars and a few pieces of playground equipment I could not identify. We came, we saw, we conquered………or painted, whatever. We conquered at painting!!

BLiR is an organization with a mission oftransforming lives by sharing recovery. We do this by dealing hope and decimating the stigma that people face everyday who struggle with addictions and mental health issues through community education and community awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. Part of that education piece is engaging in community service events that show one thing, “In recovery, you are a resource.”

BLiR partners with local businesses, organizations, groups and individuals to insure each event is not only successful but fun. This Saturday, we had people come out and help from Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, Higher Ground, New Beginnings Sanctuary, the Peer Recovery Network, Glendale Christian Church’s Celebrate Recovery, Church at the Center, Jericho Commission and Narcotic’s Anonymous.

All told we had a couple dozen people come out and help us get the painting done. Church at the Center actually supplied and prepared the food and McDonalds supplied the beverages for all who came out. We also got media coverage from:

 KTTS reporter Austin Roberston athttp://www.jrn.com/ktts/news/Playground-Cleanup-Helps-Recovery-Group-Give-Back-To-Springfield-Community-263167471.html

KY3 reporter Jehan Sheikh’s write up athttp://www.ky3.com/news/local/recovering-addicts-give-back-to-springfield-school-district/21048998_26497006

KY3 reporter Jehan Sheikh’s news clip athttp://www.ky3.com/news/local/Recovering-Addicts-help-Springfield-School-District/21048998_26497182

So we have now done 2 community service events, and we have been covered twice by KY3 and KTTS and once by KOLR 10 and KMSU. Great media coverage is getting the message of recovering people giving back out to our communities! Here is a Facebook comment from the KY3 write up someone left, “Now this is a great story! For those who step out to talk about addiction and then do something positive for the community, thanks! Good call KY3! Thanks for showcasing the positive.”

How amazing is that comment?  

The more we do in the community, the more frequent the positive feedback from our community will become. It will be slow at first, but the more we accomplish the greater our momentum will become. We are fighting an uphill battle, but by now we should be used to it. I doubt we would want it any other way!

Help Me Decimate Stigma and Share Hope

Stigma is a two-edged sword for those who struggle with mental health and substance abuse issues, even after they have found recovery. Not only is there the judgment directed at those who are in recovery, but the shame that comes from hiding struggles out of fear of what other people will think and say. Our goal is to help reduce that stigma and educate communities on the fact that addiction treatment and mental health services can enable those with a mental and/or substance use disorder to live a healthy and rewarding life.

September is National Recovery Month. National Recovery Month highlights individuals who have reclaimed their lives and are living happy and healthy lives in long-term recovery and also honors the prevention, treatment, and recovery service providers who make recovery possible. Together, we can spread the hope of recovery and reduce the stigma in our community. It will take making the community more aware of those in recovery and the successes they are celebrating. We cannot do this unless we cross lines by having multiple agencies and recovery organizations work together so that our voice is so loud it cannot be ignored.

Community awareness will take a joint effort of passionate organizations and individuals working together to hold events and celebrations. The vision is to have multiple events in 2014 where individuals in recovery volunteer and give back in their community, events where they simply go out and have fun as well as events that raise public awareness and educate the community so they are more informed and less judgmental. We will be forming committees to help plan:

·         5K Recovery Run/Walk 10K Run to be held in September

·         2^nd Annual Recover the River float trip on the James River to pick up trash on the banks in September

·         2^nd Annual Recovery in the Park BBQ and Fun Day for those who are in recovery or work with people in recovery, thanking them for their hard work in September 

·         A multidisciplinary forum at Missouri State to educate students as well as individuals in our community better on substance abuse, mental illnesses and recovery for recovery month

·         Bimonthly Community Service Events giving back to the communities we live in

This past Saturday was the first meeting. I introduced my vision for ways to reduce stigma and celebrate recovery for the year 2014. We discussed Recovery Day at Hammonds Field. It will be on Friday, the 29th of August at the last Cardinal's home game and be a kick off for Recovery Month in September. I am super excited about this event and will need all the help I can get selling tickets. The more tickets we sell the better. It is for people in recovery, their families and friends, people who work with those who struggle with a mental and/or substance use disorder and those who believe in reducing the stigma they face. The tickets will be available for $10 and people can make tax deductible contributions to sponsor families and individuals that might not otherwise be able to come due to finances. Whoever sells the most tickets can either throw out the first pitch or nominate someone to throw the first pitch.

An enthusiastic team formed immediately and stayed after the meeting to discuss the 5K/10K event. This event will require the most planning. The name and date for the run are currently being discussed and the current team members have already been exchanging thoughts and ideas. We will have to wait until the next meeting to hear more about how that event planning is going. We should have a date in the next meeting but it was looking like the first Saturday in September.  

Several other committees are also in the formation stage:

There is a plan for a multidisciplinary forum to be held at Missouri State during National Recovery Month. We have had several professors that have agreed to take the lead on that event. 

The 2nd annual Recovery in the Park BBQ this year and the committee for that event also was started. 

The 2nd annual Recover the River Float and Clean Day committee began formation. There is also a member of the Watershed Committee of the Ozarks involved with promoting the event.

 The community service projects were discussed but will need further discussion. Our hope is to have a large scale community service project that will be done every other month throughout the year helping The Kitchen, Victory Mission, Habitat for Humanity, the Salvation Army, local schools, OACAC, Convoy of Hope, the Springfield Park and Springfield Greenways to name a few of those discussed. 

We had representatives there from multiple agencies and organizations, including Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, several recovery organizations that prefer to remain anonymous, Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, Higher Ground, Hand Extended Outreach, Jericho Commission, Ozark Counseling Center, Glendale Christian Church, Ridgecrest Baptist Church, James River Assembly, North Point, DWI Court, Drug Court, the RPG Grant, Better Life in Recovery, Missouri Recovery Network, Missouri State University, Evangel University, an attorney, and several local business owners.

I was also invited to share the presentation with the Recovery Coalition of the Ozarks on February 3^rd, which I am super excited to do. I am so ready to start sharing hope and destroying stigma here in Southwest Missouri. I know that other areas are doing it well and I cannot wait until we are getting more positive publicity than negative publicity from the press when it comes to stories on people who struggle with a mental and/or substance use disorder.

We need sponsors, donations, volunteers and other miscellaneous help. Our next meeting is on Saturday, February 22^nd from 1-3. If you are interested in filling a need or helping organize or know of someone who is please get a hold of me. If you need me to come and talk about this with your group or organization locally let me know and I am there. Together we can make 2014 a year that encourages and gives hope to those who struggle with mental and/or substance use disorder and begin decimating the stigma they face on a daily basis!

Are You In Recovery?

In my past I was many things. I was son and brother, friend and co-worker. I was drug addict and drug dealer, lover and fighter. I would say I cussed like a sailor, but I have never known a sailor to hear what they cuss like. Instead, let me just say that vulgarity was my verbiage of choice and I spoke loudly in public while waxing prose. My music contained a lot of vulgarity and was mostly about violence and drinking/drugging.  I liked to play it loud so everyone would hear it, also.

I did not have any respect for myself based on my choices, so why would I have respect for anyone else? My music and language in public proved that. My lifestyle also painted a picture of who I was. Was I really that person? I would say, deep down inside me, I was never the person that I presented to people. I had been severely hurt and was terrified of being hurt again. I found that numbing myself with chemicals, seeking thrills and conquests as well as putting up walls of testosterone kept me safe.

It created a persona. I adapted to the people that my persona attracted. For the most part, we were the dregs. We were truly anti-social in our behaviors, even though the behaviors were not who we really were. I adapted to my surroundings and friends so that I could survive. Any weakness would get you at the very least used and taken advantage of. In the worst case scenario it could get you killed.

I became someone that I was not. I like to see people happy and laughing, yet I hurt people physically and emotionally on a regular basis. I am an honest person, yet I told lies so frequently that it became second nature. I would lie just to lie, and sometimes I would tell the same lie so often I would begin to believe it myself.

I enjoy my freedom, yet I got to the point I would go to jail with the money in my wallet to bond out and would stay in there for a week just to rest and catch up on sleep because JAIL WAS LESS STRESSFUL THAN MY LIFE OUTSIDE. I was smart, yet I refused to use it. I love my sister and respect her more than anything, yet I used her repeatedly.

I was a walking anomaly. Even after I stopped using drugs, I still was vulgar, violent and whorish. I was incomplete and miserable. I would feel all alone at an after party with 50 people there. I was hopeless, because I was not who I really was. In order for me to improve my life, things had to change. Some people work long and hard for that change. I was blessed. After being an Agnostic for 20 plus years, I gave God a chance.

I was transformed. I have not used drugs/alcohol, smoked a cigarette, gotten into a fight outside of a ring or had premarital sex since that prayer over 4 years ago. Even though I was transformed, I still had things to prove to others if I expected them to believe that the new me was really changed and not just an act. So what to change? Everything!

I stopped listening to music that had vulgarity or extolled the virtues of sex, drugs, alcohol or violence. I switched to contemporary worship music. I actually found good rap and metal acts to listen to that only had positive messages (they are all Christian artists). I stopped watching and reading pornography. That was a struggle, because it was so accessible. I also became more aware of the impact my actions and words had on those around me.

I had been cussing most of my life. It was who I was, as was drinking, doing drugs and fighting. If I was going to quit one, I might as well quit them all. They all were part of my past criminal and addictive lifestyle. Why would I want to hold on to any piece of that? If you want to stay clean, you cannot dance in the mud.  It was a going out of business sale. My past life was bankrupt and everything had to go!

I gained humility. Even though I could argue that I did not care what other people thought or if I offended them so what, it was not true IF I were in recovery. Sobriety or abstinence yes, but never in recovery. A lot of the people that I have encountered failed to remember that although it starts out a selfish program, it does not stay that way.Addiction is egotistical, abstinence can be selfish but recovery is altruistic.

So, for those who feel that they are in recovery let me ask you a question: Do your actions and words show it? Or are you still holding onto your old, addictive, criminal lifestyle in one form or another? People can not judge our hearts or intentions, only our words and actions. We are to be beacons of recovery, shining a light into the world that accomplishes a couple of things.

1.       We should make people who are still in their active addiction want to be in recovery. Stop being such a “Negative Nancy” and buck up!

2.       Why so angry? It would appear that getting sober has sucked based on your attitude and language. Stop showing that you carry the addiction with you and let it ALL go, not just the using. New comers aren’t going to want what you have.

3.       Share sobriety and recovery with those coming to the meetings. When you are telling a 10 minute war story, it defeats the positive message. How did you get sober? What helped you stay sober?

4.       Stop using the rooms as a dating service. You are doing nothing more than taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable people and that could cause them to never come back to a meeting or trust a sober person again. Stop victimizing people!

5.       We should be vocal about where we once were outside of the meetings so that people can see that not only do we get sober, but we change and become morally upstanding members of society who give back TO SOCIETY! Is making coffee at a meeting a good thing? Yes, service work is important. But, do we represent recovery in our community and do COMMUNITY SERVICE?

Anonymity and Recovery

Anonymous is defined as, "not identified by name; of unknown name. It also means having no outstanding, individual, or unusual features; unremarkable or impersonal."

The first definition for anonymous, "not identified by name," does not fit because in going to any "anonymous" program we give ourselves names and roles. I am an alcoholic (AA), I do narcotics (NA), I am an overeater (OA) and even I am codependent (CoDA). We are good at giving ourselves names.

Anonymous is also defined as, "having no outstanding, individual, or unusual features; unremarkable or impersonal." I know that in the rooms of the anonymous programs this means that no one person is any better or more important than anyone else. It also means that what is said in the meetings stays in the meetings. What about the people outside of the anonymous programs? What do they think about the word anonymous and the people that go to “those” meetings?

Many think that we are ashamed of who we are. That is why we go to these anonymous meetings and hide. We are guilt and shame ridden because of our past so we hide in anonymity. Others see them as a place for addicts and alcoholics to get together, drink coffee and share war stories. That is what people who used to have struggles do. They sit in rooms and commiserate, never truly rejoining the community itself.

Some of you are probably thinking, “I don’t care what people think.” That is the true problem with the sober community. We don’t care what people think. That is how an abstinent person thinks. If people judge us on our past, that is one thing. When we give them reason to judge us now, that is on us. What are we doing to change people’s opinions about the recovery community?

We are perpetuating a stigma both in the outside community and the recovery community. “I do not fit in with those outside of recovery, and that is why I have to come to a meeting every day so I can be around people I relate to. There is nothing remarkable about me because of who I used to be and the “normies” will not accept me if they find out.”

 I will argue that is wrong to my grave. People are blessed by knowing me. I have many outstanding and remarkable features. I was not born with them, but through overcoming my struggles and addictions I have become wiser and stronger. I have a lot to offer to others. I have found recovery. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope and I have yet to meet anyone who could not use more hope!

Recovery is defined as, "A return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. The action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost."

I will skip over the first definition of recovery, a return to a "normal state" because I don’t like it. What is normal? Normal for me may not be normal for you. Normal in America is probably not normal in China. I heard that normal means most, but if that is accurate than normal would mean China or India because they have the highest population. Therefore, very few of us in America are normal. Even in our country, normal in Branson, Missouri is probably not the same as normal in Chicago, Illinois.

So we will use the second definition of recovery, “regaining possession of something that was stolen or lost.” It makes sense, after all my life was stolen from me. I lost my potential, my hope, my pride, my self-esteem, my happiness and my optimism. I lost friends, family, jobs, cars, houses and so much more.  

In getting sober and abstaining from drugs and alcohol I began to see improvements in my life. I began to see some of my potential return. I could get and keep a job, because I was abstinent. Not using drugs caused me to be more dependable and to take more pride in my job.

I also attended anonymous recovery meetings; I mean a lot of them. I got to hang out with people who were former addicts and alcoholics. After the meetings we would go out and drink coffee. Sometimes we would go bowling. Occasionally we would have BBQs and weekend camp outs together.

I was doing a lot of fun things, but I was not pushing myself. I was in a comfort zone, focused on me and other addicts who were just like me. They were the people I belonged around because they could understand me. They could relate to me and I could relate to them. It was a good start. There was a problem with that. I didn't want good, I wanted great.

I found that I did not have the social ties to the community I needed. I did not feel good enough to make them. I still looked in the mirror and saw an addict and a convict. I was filled with guilt, shame and even some anger. I figured if I ever told everyone who I was they would feel the same way. I never really stepped into true recovery because I never regained what I had lost. I did not have my true identity.

There were things I had lost I still didn't have. I was not born cynical and pessimistic. I was not born depressed and angry. I wasn’t born cursing all the time. I was not born to be ashamed of who I was and the road I had taken to get to here. But I was. I didn't want to be, though. The truth was that abstinence had given me a glimmer of hope and a taste of pride. I craved more..

I was scared or “normal” people at first for a lot of reasons: What will everyone think when they know about my past? How disappointed will people be if I relapse? Then I stopped thinking only of me and expanded my view: What if I give recovery a bad name because of my behavior? How will my speech reflect upon the recovery community?

That is when I truly began to realize what recovery meant. I started thinking outside of myself and began taking into account the things I represented and how everything I did and said reflected upon them. I saw that the opportunity recovery presented me was so much larger than I was.

Here is what I needed to do for myself to regain what I had lost. I had to begin sharing who I was, what had happened to me, what I had done, where I had been and where I was now. I would go anywhere and everywhere to do that. I have gone into schools, colleges, churches, conferences, community events, and done interviews on the radio and television.

There is a huge stigma in the community when it comes to addiction and recovery for a reason. I hear people who are very vocal about being in recovery dropping F-Bombs left and right and yelling at anyone they disagree with. People still get into fights due to anger/shame issues that have not been addressed and sleep around due to impulse control issues or a lack of self-esteem.

Recovery is realizing that my choice of words and my behavior reflect not just on me, but on my family and all the people who are in recovery as well. It is realizing that cursing and fighting and yelling are signs of the addiction, not recovery.

It is realizing that community service is not just chairing meetings and sponsoring people in the program. Recovery is knowing community service is not just something a judge or probation officer gives you. Community service is doing things to help your community become better. It is giving back to the community because at one time you took from it.

Community service should also be done under the guise of our recovery. We should shelf our anonymity. The stigma the community has is that they seldom if ever see the recovery community giving back. When was the last recovery booth you saw at a cancer fundraiser? When was the last time you sponsored a recovery day at Habitat for Humanity? How about the last 5K you saw where a group of drug court graduates decked out in T-Shirts letting the world know who they were ran?

The recovery community needs to overcome the stigma of addiction. That starts with you and me. We should be proud of who we are and how we have gotten there. The problem is that the loudest people representing recovery are generally not the ones in recovery. We need to change that.

We should remember that we represent recovery in all of our activities. We represent recovery when we go out to eat, drive a vehicle, work, go to church/synagogue/coven, play softball/basketball/football and attend school. Everywhere we go, we should present ourselves well.

We gain hope, pride, self-respect and self-esteem through seeing that people who know our past now see us for who we are. They realize that although addiction sucks recovery is amazing. This can only happen when we become true ambassadors for recovery in all aspects of our lives.

If that is something you are interested in, let me know. There is nothing more powerful than someone in recovery not only helping those who are currently struggling, but also sharing their tragedies and successes with the entire world. Only then will the stigma diminish as the “normal community sees that WE DO GREAT THINGS IN RECOVERY!!!

Tithing Part 1

This is the second blog that I have written about my experience with tithing. The first one that I wrote was entitled Tithing Part 2. It is entitled that because on the time line of my life, it happened after my first experience with being faithful in tithing. I know that may sound confusing, but it is really not. You can read about it here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/tithing-part-2.html

When I first got saved, I decided that I needed to tithe. Before I got saved, I was attending church sporadically and would drop $5 or $10 in the basket as it went around. After I got saved I realized that was not enough. I was led to give more. I realized that 10% was an Old Testament concept, and that the New Testament did not state an actual percentage. So, what was I to give and how should I decide that?

2 Corinthians 9:7 says,  “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”  and Philippians 4:6 directs us also when it says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."


Using those scriptures for guidance, I decided to pray and then tithe what I was led to by my heart. I prayed, and 10% was laid on my heart to give to my church. I have tithed 10% since ever since then, without fail. I like that 2 Corinthians 9:7 says what it does about not giving because we feel compelled to. I don't have to give 10%, I get to give 10%. Tithing is not an obligation, but a privilege. I love the fact that I can contribute to my church and to the ministries that my church funds. I have been blessed, so I share that blessing.

We should never see tithing as a chore, or put saving before tithing. We need to be aware of the importance that we place upon money. Why should we not share our wealth? Luke 12:15 warns us against getting caught up in greed and coveting our money when it says , "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.” We are to worship God, not material things. Give, and more will be given to us. Maybe not in this life, but for all eternity in the next one!


Furthermore, 10% is not all that I give. Your monetary tithe to your church is not all that you should give, either! If there are ministries that I want to give to or capital campaigns (like the Pay it Forward campaign that we had at New Life Church), I give over and above the 10%. I do not feel that we are commanded to give 10%, but that is the amount that was laid on my heart to give financially. Also, money is not all that we should be giving away freely!

Galatians 6:2 says, "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." and 1 John 3:17-18 says, "If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."


This scripture backs up how I feel. Giving of our time is equally if not more important than tithing. I tell my clients that one of the most important things that I have learned in recovery is that community service is not something that is assigned by a judge or a probation officer. It is the act of us giving of ourselves out of a DESIRE to help others, not out of guilt. I think that it is really easy to write a check. It is difficult to give of your free time to help those less fortunate and smile the whole time you are doing it. 


Back to my story. So it was laid on my heart to tithe 10%. I then looked at my finances, and saw that if I tithed as I was being led to, I would only have $50 a week for food and entertainment. I do not mean food like going out to eat food, I mean food like groceries in the fridge and the pantry I would starve without having food. I decided that I could live on that $50 a week, even though at the time I was spending $120 a week on food and entertainment. I would just have to tighten my belt, as they say. No more movies or dining out for me.


That Sunday, I went into church with the amount I was to tithe. I filled out an envelope and dropped it into the basket. I was finally giving to support the church as I felt that I was supposed to. I knew that it would make my life a little difficult, but nowhere does it say that Christ called us to be comfortable. Christ even looks at how giving out of abundance is not nearly as important as giving to the point of being uncomfortable in Luke 12:41-44:
"Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.  Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything-all she had to live on." 
 So I tithed on Sunday. Monday I went into work and as soon as I got to staffing, my boss told me to talk to her after staffing was over in her office. I went to her office and met with her after staffing and got great news. She told me that because I was going to be graduating soon, she was going to give me some more things to do at work. The new responsibilities translated into a different job title and a higher salary. Needless to say, the increase in my pay was over and above what I was tithing. 


Even with tithing 10% on the increase in my pay, I was still taking home more than I was before I began tithing. I was overjoyed, but not  at all surprised. By this time, God had already shown me how powerful He could be. This was just one more way that God has blessed my life, and it is another way that I have to brag on Him. He can do all things, and is happy to do so. 


His grace never ceases to amaze me. There are times now that I am married with a child when the bills are tight and we have trouble making ends meet. We live paycheck to paycheck and are probably two paychecks from being homeless.........but so is almost everybody else. If we are hurting, our tithe is never even mentioned as a something to fore go so as to pay our bills. We look at cutting corners with food, or accepting that we cannot eat out or go see a movie for the rest of the month(or several months). But what if my needs and the needs of my family are not being taken care of?

We must always insure that our family is provided for. Maybe you have been laid off or are having some other form of financial difficulty and cannot afford to put food in the pantry or pay your rent. You are not required to keep giving. For those people, I would give them 1 Timothy 5:12, "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." If you cannot afford to buy food for your family or pay the rent, you should not be giving to the church. In this case, the church should be helping you!


That said, God should always come first and foremost in our lives. If we remain faithful to Him, He will continue to bless us. Do not be confused or let prosperity preacher's mislead you. We are not blessed by what we give, we are blessed by grace which cannot be earned or bought. Tithing does not equal salvation! You can tithe and still not be saved. 1 Corinthians 13:3 states, "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."  

In summary, tithing does not have to be 10%. Tithing needs to be the amount that God places on your heart after you pray for direction and guidance. You should seek God's counsel before making any decisions, financial or otherwise, then follow it. If you cannot give what God lays on your heart to give, then you need to reexamine your lifestyle and your spending habits and revisit the difference between wants and needs. In case of emergency, there may be times that some people need help financially from the church instead of helping the church. Perfectly acceptable, life happens! In these times, I would recommend that as a good time to focus on volunteering your time to help others (not that you shouldn't always give of your time). Lastly, do not only give financially, but also give freely of your time. Do all of this not out of obligation but out of love! Thanks for reading!!

Joplin - My FIrst Day Experience

I can tell you that I have helped a lot of people through traumatic things in their lives. I mean a lot of them. I have sometimes also experienced them personally but I have always experienced them vicariously through other people. I will also tell you that I had seen the television reports, and had seen the interviews with Joplin residents that had experienced loss. I also had been forewarned by other counselors who had been to Joplin the two previous days, and was debriefed on what to expect from the people who had survived the tornado during the drive to Joplin from Springfield.

I can tell you that all of those things mentioned above had occurred. I felt that I was ready to go and do what I could to support the psychological and emotional needs that the people of Joplin had. I know how to compartmentalize, and deal with the grief and loss that they are experiencing. I have done that before. I am used to dealing with traumatic events. Some of them were horrific, mothers losing sons and wives losing husbands. I had dealt with those types of situations before. I knew I was ready.

I would have been telling you the truth.

I will tell you that I have seen a lot of traumatic things in my life. I mean a lot of them. I have either experienced them personally or vicariously through other people. I will also tell you that I had seen the television reports, and seen videos and pictures of the tornado affected areas of Joplin. I also had been forewarned by other counselors who had been to Joplin the two previous days, and was debriefed on what I could expect to see during the drive to Joplin from Springfield.

I can tell you that all of those things mentioned above had occurred. I felt that I was ready to go and see the wake of the EF 5 tornado that hit the city of Joplin, cutting a 6 mile swath through her heart. I know how to compartmentalize, and deal with seeing traumatic events. I have done that before. I am used to dealing with seeing traumatic events. Some of them were horrific, multiple vehicle accidents, shootings, even a tornado that had destroyed homes and taken lives. I had dealt with those types of situations before. I knew I was ready.

I would have been lying to you.

I had definitely lied to myself. Looking back, I do not feel that anyone can be prepared to see some of the things that I saw. The sheer magnitude of the damage is unreal. It is on a scale that seems impossible to me. I saw things that I do not care if I ever see again. I saw things that looked physically and scientifically impossible, and probably were due to the laws of physics and gravity.

I saw a Burger King that was reduced to rubble, yet I could tell it was a Burger King based on the kids play area that was still intact. Brick building decimated but plastic slides and tubes not the least disheveled. I saw a two story house in which the bottom floor was semi-intact. On the second floor 3 of the 4 walls were gone. They simply were no longer, but on the one wall that was left standing a flat screen television was still mounted on it.

Now I know what they mean when they ask, "Why does it take this one and not the one next to it?" I saw buildings with everything including windows intact, and the building next to it not be recognizable. The winds in an EF 5 tornado are unreal. I had heard that x-rays and medical records had been discovered as far as 70 miles away. On our way into town we passed people on 4 wheelers and horseback that were about 10 miles outside of Joplin. They were looking for the bodies of those missing......10 miles from the affected area.

The magnitude of this tornado did not dawn on me until I drove down the areas that were directly hit by the massive tornado. The drama that has enfolded for the lives of those who live in Joplin became real when I saw people with tents pitched picking through the remains of what was once their houses, just hoping to find one Christmas ornament that their children had made them, or a photo of their husband who blew away in the tornado and is still missing. I saw truly broken people that had lost everything: family members, their job, their home, their friends, their vehicles and their wallets. They literally had nothing and no way to get anything.There were people with plastic boxes and garbage bags sifting through the remains of their house, at times somewhat standing and at other times a three foot high pile of wood and bricks..

Do not get me wrong, I also saw people turn out in droves to help. I saw the United Way, Convoy of Hope, more church vans than I could count, the Red Cross, etc. Restaurants were giving out free food and people were handing out free water. The drivers license bureau was waving the fee for replacement licenses. People came out to volunteer in such numbers that they had to turn them away. I saw hope and compassion. I saw people who knew that they mattered because people were there to help them, and they were going to make it through it. I saw people that were resilient, who could still smile and laugh and see the positives to come out of the ashes and mayhem.

But I also saw us, and that brought reality home to me. I looked in the rearview mirror as we drove through the carnage, and I saw 2 sets of eyes struggling to hold back the tears. That is when I let my tears, the ones that I had not realized I was holding back, fall. I knew that my heart was broken and that my life was forever changed by what I had experienced over the course of my first day of many, counseling and supporting people in Joplin.

There was one emotion that was nagging me as I drove through Joplin. I could not quite put my finger on what I was feeling. As I was driving back to Springfield I realized what that emotion was. It was Empathy. What I realized was that I felt hopeless and desolate even though I knew I got to go home. How must they feel? They don't get to leave, they are home.