The Spackle Theory

So here is the main premise for my blog, web site, the name of my book and the ministry that I would eventually like to get started. It all is based on this and this only. It is what I call Spiritual Spackle, and it includes the Spackle Theory that I have come up with. It has been of vital importance in my new life and my recovery.

Before I get into the Spackle Theory, I want to relate a story from my addiction. When I was younger I was living in a house that I was buying. I was a full blown alcoholic at the time, and I did not really think things through well. That will be evident by the end of this story, probably sooner. I think that I was in a verbal disagreement with my then girlfriend, and I went outside in a huff. When I got outside, I guess that I figured throwing a tantrum and hitting an inanimate object would solve everything.

So, without thinking I punched the side of my house twice. My house was older, and it had wooden siding. When I punched the siding, I put two holes in the side of my house. Obviously, this solved nothing. In actuality, it caused what should have been a much bigger problem. Now, instead of just being in an argument with my girlfriend, I had structural damage to my house.

Luckily, since I was a thinker back then, I had an incredible idea of how to fix the holes. I instantly went inside my house and grabbed duct tape. Presto, problem solved. I no longer had two holes in my outside wall. Instead, I had the eye sore of shiny silver duct tape covering the two holes in my tan colored wall on my house. I did this, and stepped back from the wall thorougly satisfied. I thought that the problem was fixed.

I left the house that way for several years, holes covered with duct tape. The issues did not really present itself again until several years later when I moved. I took the duct tape off of the wall so that I could see what it would take to fix it. It was no longer two holes the size of my fist, but was now two places that were a foot each of soggy and cracked wood. Worse yet was the sheet rock behind the holes. The sheetrock was moldy and water stained from where it had gotten wet and then dried.

In short, the wall that I thought had been covered up and protected was damaged horribly. Just because I could no longer see the hole or the damage that was done does not mean that it was better and the problem no longer existed. Instead, it had continued to be a gaping hole and did nothing but deteriorate and get worse even though it was covered and unseen.

Now what I want you to do is imagine that the issues you have are rain. My fist in this story is trauma that you experience over the course of your life. Finally, the outside wall of my house is representative of your soul. As traumatic things happen to you, they create holes in your soul. These holes are emotional, spiritual and psychological in nature and are created by sexual, physical and emotional abuse. These are the things that hurt you. This is how the major craters that are created in our lives occur.

We get filled with this pain, and it creates emotional and psychological stress. This stress is then turned into anger, depression, anxiety, self-sabotage and guilt; all of which can turn into shame. Our self-esteem dwindles and any positivity that we once had is reduced to negativity and self-loathing. I could go on and on with this description, but I will instead break it down to two words - WE HURT!

So there I am hurt. I discover that when I hurt all I have to do is insert method of escape here. Whether I am a drinker, drug user, gambler, cutter, co-dependent, have an eating disorder or engage in retail therapy (shopping) I can escape from my past. If I like to sleep around, save others by playing superman/woman or I am the perfect candidate for anger management classes I will do the same thing. I will use those things so that I can feel better about myself or numb myself to the pain that I feel. I will use my method to not hurt. It may be fleeting, only lasting minutes or hours, but it will make the hurt go away for a while.

Unfortunately, this method of escaping hurt that we use is a lot like the duct tape in my example at the beginning of this. It may cover the damage on the surface, but what is happening underneath it all? If my best friend slept with the person that I am married to, my grandfather abused me or I was always told that I was no good do my methods of coping really fix the problem?

Of course not, at best it is a temporary solution to a problem that is sure to reoccur. And reoccur it will. The worst part of using duct tape to cover the problem is that there is the illusion that it is better. The reality is that the problem is getting worse and worse underneath. We continue to deteriorate, we continue to beat ourselves up about the past. We dwell on things that we can not change instead of working through them. We do not allow ourselves to grieve what happened to us because we try to act like it did not happen or that we are better.

The truth of the matter is that we never give ourselves the chance to work through our past hurts and hang ups because we do not face them. Every time that they come up, we use our preferred method of escape to avoid them. We cause ourselves untold amounts of depression and anxiety because of the traumas of our past and numbing and ignoring it does us no lasting good. It just mires us in the victim role and we never reach the survivor stage, let alone advance to being a thriver.

Unfortunately, perception for us is reality. Our reality believes that if we do not feel it, that it is better. Our reality eventually learns that by using, we do not have to feel ever. If I can stay self-medicated, I never have to feel hurt again. I am insulated from what others can do to me. No matter what they do, I do not have to feel it. Our reality keeps us sick and insures that our cycle of addiction is never broken.

That false sense of what is true becomes more and more distorted. It eventually reaches the point where we begin to believe that the problem is taken care of. We walk around angry, ashamed, depressed, anxiety-ridden and begin to push those who care about us away.

“But I am better,” we claim.

Just because we claim that there is no problem does not mean that the previous issues become nonexistant. If it rains and I tell you that it is not water coming down on us, does that mean we  won’t get wet. Of course not! Just because there was duct tape on my outside wall, it did not mean that the rain was not still affecting the damage that was already done and making it worse. If it is covered over that does not mean that it is fixed. In order for us to overcome our past, we need to admit it, allow for the grieving process and then heal. Only then can we learn from it and use it to make us stronger and wiser.

There are three stages we can be in due to our past trauma. The first is the victim, who is still stuck in the past and allows the past to hurt them constantly. Then we have the survivor, who has accepted that the past has happened but locks it away and does not really deal with it. Both of these people will be prone to using their preferred methods of coping.

The victim at least acknowledges the pain, but they do not feel they have any control or power to fix it. The survivor is much like the person who has the tiger by the tail and feels like they have succeeded. At any moment that lion can turn around and take a huge bite out of them. Much like the minute that our method of artificially coping goes from being occasional to the focus of our lives.

Lastly we have the thriver role. This is where we want to be. This is the person who not ony accepts what happened to them, but processes it and works it out. It may have been horrific and unfair, but we realize that nothing we can take, do or say will change the fact that it happened. Instead we use what happened to make us first stronger and wiser. But, we do not stop there. We then use what happened in our lives to help others who are hurting and suffering. We give them hope by sharing our experiences and how we have grown from them.

So, what allows us to grow from our past? What do we do to fix the holes that life leaves in us? What is there that was made for that purpose? We need to find something that comforts us and fills those holes instead of just covering them up. Otherwise, we will continue to rely on our traditional methods of escape. I do not want to escape the hurt, I want to learn from it and grow. How about you? Do you want to be defeated by your past, or do you want to work through it so that you can be stronger and wiser?

The Holy Spirit is the one thing that can fix those holes. It is comparable to spackle. Spackle is a substance that is used to fix holes and cracks in walls. The Holy Spirit is the spiritual equivalant of spackle. What spackle is able to do for a wall the Holy Spirit is able to do for our lives! It can allow us to be guided towards happiness. It can give us the comfort that we have never felt from our methods of escaping and numbing. See the blog at: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/holy-spirit.html to read about the power the Holy Spirit possesses!

Songs of Recovery - Blessings

I was listening to some music today, and the song "Blessings" by Laura Story came on. In this song, Laura looks at the things in our lives that we pray for, the things that we do not think are fair. She also looks at how we may come to doubt God if these things happen to us. We may come to doubt the goodness of God, we may doubt that he loves us.

This made me think of how our relationship with God looks sometimes. We come to God all of the time to ask for healing, forgiveness, successful job hunts, to be content, to be happy, protection, etc. We have changed the Our Father Prayer to, "Our Father, who is in heaven, gimme gimme gimme!" Don't get me wrong, I think that healing does happen, and we can ask God for it. I just think that we look more at what we want and less at what God's will is for us. What if we have cancer, or were molested, or have a sick parent. Should we pray to be cured? I think that we should. We may not get our prayers fulfilled. God sees the big picture that we do not. So what if God does not answer our prayers the way that we want him to? Some feel that He should answer, and that He should cure us of our afflictions.

In fact, as I have recently been reading in Charisma magazine, there are some who feel that God performs miracles all of the time here in America. The problem is that we do not have enough faith in God, or we would be able to be cured of all ailments both mentally and physically. Bethel Church was in the magazine, and one of their church leaders said that that the problem is not that we ask for too much. The problem is that we don't ask for enough. It is not enough to accomplish worldly goals such as building churches in South America or digging wells in Africa. We should be curing the blind and making the lame walk, that is the the power of God and the power of the Holy Spirit according to the article written in Charisma magazine.

I do not know how I feel about that. I feel that God cures people sometimes, other times He gives us the ability to persevere. Iron is used to make steel. Steel is nothing more than iron that has had an impurity, carbon, added to it and then is remade in the fire. I feel that we too are made stronger in our fires. Even more than that, I feel that our fires can make those around us stronger too. How many of the Christians that have been executed over the years have brought non-believers to faith, not through their deliverance from death, but from their faith and compassion that never wavered when they were executed.

In the song Blessings, the song looks at how God's greatest gifts just might be the trials of this life, the illnesses, the loss, the spent tears, the persecution. We grow through adversity and hardships. When do not get strength and our faith is seldom bolstered if life is lemondrops and lollipops. We grow not on the mountain tops, but in the valleys. What if we are supposed to feel pain and hurt. What if every time that we work through this it makes our faith even stronger, makes our resolve to worship even greater and brings those around us closer to Christ? What if we are made how we are because that is how God wants us?

Psalms 139:14: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

God made me, and because He made me I should be happy with where I am in life. I should make the most of my opportunities. I think of one of my favorite inspirational speakers, Nick Vujicic. His ministry is called "No Limbs, No Limits." Nick was born with no arms and no legs. He does not ask God to cure him of his "handicap." He does not see it as a handicap. Instead, he is able to reach thousands of people and let them know that faith in Christ will allow you to accomplish all that you need.

My wife is legally blind. She was taken to a healing conference by her youth pastor so that her vision could be fully restored, and she was not cured. She was told by some people that it was because she did not have enough faith in God. Wow, how that had to hurt a legally blind teenager. "God did not cure you because you do not love Him enough," she was told. She, on the other hand, did not think that healing was what God had in mind for her.

Today she works at Global University (an Assembly of God missionary college) as their video editor.......a legally blind video editor. She has been to multiple countries to film Christians all over the world. To hear her talk about her "disability", she feels that God created her to do what she does, "I can see better through the lens of a video camera than I can with the eyes I was born with." Does she need to be healed? I think that she is wonderfully made!!

I do not know about you, but I feel that many Christians come to a point where we feel that God owes us something. I believe in God, I tithe, I attend faithfully so He should cure me. If trials pop-up, if I get sick, God should make it go away. I just do not feel that is true. God made me the way that He wanted me. This world to many may be full of sin and disappointment, but what if that is what makes us realize that there has to be more than just this world we now live in? I yearn for something that I know I cannot have on this Earth, but that I know I desire and I know exists. I yearn for hope and happiness. Where do I find that?

One of the most influential people that I ever met was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. He was given 3 months to live by the specialist. He told people not to pray for him to be cured, but to pray for God's will to be done. He died with a smile on his face, and got to meet his heavenly father. That is what he talked about in his final days. He was consumed by pain that the opiates could not touch, but he lay in bed and would talk to us about how lucky he was to be going home. He died in pain, but he remained positive and peaceful.

His death was the instrumental piece that brought his estranged son, who was an atheist and a drug addict, to Christ. His son was by his side for the first time in over a decade when he died. His son came to Christ less than a month after his father's death. If his father would not have died as happy and hope-filled as he did, his son would not have been redeemed. He told me this. I was was not friends with the man who died, I was a friend of his sons. But that is his testimony, not mine.

I am saying that if he would have been cured, his son would not have gotten saved. I know women who have been raped and beaten that have turned their experience into a ministry to help others going through the same experience. I am a former convict and drug addict who works with convicts and drug addicts. I am proud of all that I have been delivered from. But there are also things that I have not been delivered from. I no longer obsess over drugs, but I desire them on occasion. I am okay with that. The Holy Spirit allows me to work through the desire. I have been transformed, I have been healed but not cured.

Cured is a medical term to me as a clinician that means something has been beaten or suppressed. Healed on the other hand could mean that the pain was embraced and that we moved forward from it. Curing asks, "what needs to be fixed?" Healing asks, "how can I grow?" My friends dad may not have been cured, but he was healed and allowed his son to be healed through his death. Why are we often not cured?
2 Corinthians 12: 7-10, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." You see, God can grow in the face of  illnesses, weaknesses, trials and tribulations whether they are cured or simply healed.

I am no greater than Paul was. God spoke to him personally. He saw Jesus in the flesh. He wrote 13 books in the New Testament. If he was allowed to live with a handicap and not be healed, a man who talked to Jesus face to face, than who am I to expect more? I thank God for the mercies in my life that came disguised as hardships. In the end, they have made me stronger and brought me closer to Christ!

Welcome

This is the very first blog for my web site, www.spiritualspackle.com. I am really excited, because this web site means that my book is progressing well. As I said, this is my first blog, and it is the first of many that will grace this site. I will have my biography on this site soon, and it is the life that I will briefly describe in my  biography as well as the concepts that allowed me to stop being an agnostic and instead step into a relationship with Christ, how I forgave myself for the choices that I made in the past, step ped out of my many addictions, stopped living a criminal lifestyle  and instead began living my life as an example to the people in my life of how a Christian should live  that will be the basis for my forthcoming book entitled, “Spiritual Spackle.” I have the titles for each of the books  chapters and the introduction written, and I am beginning the first chapter. That first chapter is at least partially dictated. It is a tough chapter, as it is my life from birth to the beginning of my 5^th grade year. Right now I am at work, and using this as a test for my first entry to allow my wife who is designing the site for me to see how blogging posts as she begins to put the website together. This blog may be very scattered and disorganized, like a jig saw puzzle that was thrown out of the box on the ground and the pieces left as they fell  as I am writing it between client’s sessions for ten minutes at a time.  I can guarantee that the writing will get better and be more cohesive in the future, so bear with me.

I have high hopes that this site can be used by many different people, from those who do not know Christ to those who are curious about Christ, from those who are new to Christ all the way to those who have been Christians their entire lives. It will be useful for those who need inspiration for life’s challenges, be they big or small. I want to be able to use this site to encourage the person who had a flat tire today all the way up to the person who lost their Dad. I want to introduce new ways of thinking to the visitor’s on this page, and encourage those who visit here to build their faith and have hope that is insurmountable through mediums from blogging to music, books to movies and everything in between.

I am looking at the various pages that I want to have on my site.  Those pages will include a page on Celebrate Recovery,  a page on Living Free, a page blogging my reading the Bible in a year and how I am affected by each of the readings that I read each day, updates on my book(s), and random thoughts that I have which are heavily influenced by my relationship with Christ. It will also have reviews of inspirational books, movies and music.  I also plan to blog each program that I work through, so there will be a page started in June after I get back from Florida where I will blog the Purpose Driven Life as I work through that over 40 days, then One 2 Won crosstraining will probably be next. I want a site that reviews small groups that people have facilitated and/or attended and how it has impacted their lives.

I want a forum so that people who have questions that they are having problems answering can get the information they need so that they can comprehend everything  that they want to know when it comes to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I had many questions when I first began going to church that were answered for me, such as why is there evil, why do good people in my life die and the people who are the worst such as me still live, how do we know that Jesus walked the face of the Earth, can I truly be forgiven of my sins, etc. People took the time to answer my questions, so I will try my best with the help of the other’s who will contribute to this site to answer yours.

This site will also be linked to Facebook, and I may even have to begin twittering so that can be on there also. I am excited about the opportunity to get to know some people really well, as I will hopefully have several contributors that will help get this site going and regular visitors that share their lives with us. I also will have the opportunity to give people a glimpse into my life as it was and how it is now, and can share my strength, hope, inspiration and faith with you the visitor.

One of the main focuses of this site is giving people a window into the live’s of people who are in recovery from all that this sinful world has to throw at them. I would argue that everyone has demons in their live’s that they need to overcome, whether it is food, relationships, childhood physical/sexual abuse, rape, shoplifting, codependency, divorce, lying, being unable to show empathy/compassion, compassion fatigue, PTSD, depression, anxiety, drugs/alcohol, gambling, shopping, debt, overworking, pornography, grief/loss, etc. I want you to know that you are not alone, and that there is hope for all of us. Saul of Tarsus at one time hunted down Christians and executed them , then was redeemed of his sins and after a Pauline conversion went on to write over half of the New Testament. If there is redemption for Paul, forgiveness for King David after committing adultry then having a man murdered, even grace for the criminal crucified next to Jesus Christ, then there is surely a loving Father who can forgive.

This website will impart hope to those who suffer by allowing them to see the wonderful transformation that is possible through God’s grace. It will open other’s eyes to the wonders that God is able to create from the trials and tribulations that life throws at us. I have seen God by way of the Holy Spirit begin to make changes in me that I never dreamed were possible. In the first 30 years of my life I had sometimes intentionally and other times unknowingly conspired with the devil to destroy people’s lives. In the past several years I have used the Holy Spirit to help rebuild my life and used that new  life which I have been blessed with to help other’s overcome isses since I was saved. I have seen and met many incredible and wise people through programs such as Celebrate Recovery, Teen Challenge, Church Army and Living Free who have through the power of Christ made wondrous changes in their live’s and learned the true meaning of being born again.

Thanks for coming to visit, and I truly hope that this is the first of many times that you will come to this site. I look forward to getting to know you as you get to know me.