4 People Who Found the Reason for Their Hurts

Have you ever had one of those days, or better yet one of those years that just kicks your butt. Come to think of it, some of us have one of those lives! You have the absolute worse things happen to you. You are abused as a child either physically, mentally, sexually or all three. You get abused not just by a parent (or grandparent or uncle or step-parent) but by your siblings and/or their friends as well. Your parents are addicts/alcoholics and your mother gets beat all the time. You grow up poor, and the kids at school make fun of you. Everybody you care about either leaves you or dies. Does this sound familiar?

Some of you live in constant fear of what is going to happen to you next. You can never figure out why. You sit by yourself in tears, wallowing in depression and fear, just wishing it would all go away. There are questions and thoughts that always wander into your mind: "Why does my luck always suck?" "Can God see me?" "Does God hate me?" "Maybe I should just end it all." "There can't be a God or He wouldn't let this happen." "Why does this always happen to me?"

At the end of this I am going to play a song that my wife wrote and performs called "There's A Reason" that addresses these questions, but first I would like to share a few stories. Here are stories about 4 people who most would think have been dealt a pretty unfair hand. They could have turned their back on God and just given up, but they didn't!

1. Nick Vujicic is a pastor and motivational speaker who has traveled all over the world. His ministry is called "Life Without Limbs" because Nick was born with no arms and no legs. He has never let that stop him. He has spoken to over 3 million people on 5 continents about hope and finding meaning in their lives. He talks all over the world about how God can use anyone who is willing to do his work no matter their disability. 
2. Ellie is 11 years old today. When she was 7 she was molested by her best friend's step-dad. She came forward a year later. She took that long because she was filled with shame and she thought that her parents would not believe her because he was a friend of the family. Her family pressed charges and other girls came forward too. He was eventually placed in prison. Ellie now goes into churches, schools and prisons to talk about the abuse. She wants children to know that if this is happening to them they should not be afraid or ashamed, because it is not their fault. Because of her conviction to help others many children who were being abused and had never told anyone had the courage to come forward after she spoke. 
3. Harold and Betty Donaldson were hit head on by a drunk driver. He was killed and she was incapacitated for a long time. The Donaldson's children learned how to live without many of the basic necessities that  we take for granted. The local community and churches intervened and made sure that the Donaldson's had food and shelter. The generosity that they were shown not only gave the Donaldson's hope, it also instilled in them a desire to one day help those in need. In 1994 they created Convoy of Hope, which has given over $299 million worth of food and supplies to over 52 million people in more than 100 countries. 
4. I did not have the best of life growing up. I was abused sexually when I was in the 1st grade by a baby sitter. In 5th and 6th grade I lived with a highly abusive grandfather. I went on to abuse drugs and alcohol for 25 years of my life, living a lifestyle that landed me in rehabs, jails and prison. I overdosed 3 times, have been found unconscious in a pool of blood after attempting suicide and have died several other times after a car accident. I was diagnosed Bi-Polar, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, etc. My life was not alright. Since I turned 30 I have gotten an associate, 2 bachelors and a masters degree off of a GED that I got in prison. I have 3 years clean and sober and live my life working as a substance abuse counselor and sharing the message of recovery, Christ and hope in churches, colleges, youth groups and communities. I am currently forming a non-profit to take that message into groups, communities, churches, colleges, junior high and high schools. 

Why do I tell you all of this. The number one reason is to let you know that you are not alone. Life hurts many of us deeply. Second I want you to know that no matter the abuse you are living through/with or the tragedies and losses that you have suffered; there is hope. I know that you may not want to hear it now, but there is a reason these things have happened. God has a plan that is bigger than you and bigger than me. 

In my life, God has used my hurts and my habits to help others. From my addiction to my mental illnesses to my dad's suicide, everything that has ever happened in my life has been a blessing. They have all given me the passion to do what I do and the drive to do it. Me and the other 3 people that I talked about all had horrific things happen, but today we would all tell you that there was a bless in the mess. 

Life happens and life hurts, sometimes really bad. Life can either make us better or bitter, I choose to let it make me better. When I let it make me bitter it was killing me, and I want to live. I still have a lot of hope to share!!

The Impact that "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath Had on My Life

I was raised to believe in God by my parents. Then they split, and my mother sent us to live with her father. He was highly abusive, and at times would beat me to the point he would not allow me to go to school for a week so that my injuries would not be seen. I soon became angry and violent and lost my faith in God. I was in the 5^th grade.

I spent much of my life in addiction. It started with cigarettes in 6^th grade and advanced to marijuana, cocaine and mini-thins in 7^th grade. When I moved to Missouri my senior year I was introduced to methamphetamine. I used methamphetamine for the next 12 years, in and out of jail and prison. I also had a severe car accident that left me addicted to opiates. I quit methamphetamine and opiates when I was 29 and started college. I began drinking a few months after I started college. I drank for the next 7 years, becoming an alcoholic and drinking to black out almost every night.

In February of 2008 my father committed suicide. In July of 2008 I broke up with my son’s mother and and she would not let me see my son for the first several months after our break-up. I struggled and did not know what to do. I was out of hope and was beginning to feel the same depression that I felt when I had attempted suicide in 1995. I started to look at the people that I knew who were always happy. The ones who no matter what kept their hope, and it turned out to be a couple I knew who were Christians.

I went up to my friend Nate and told him what was going on and he invited me to come to Church. I told him no. The next week he invited me again and I said no. Then his wife invited me the following week for church and BBQ. The food got me. I came, and the first thing I remember seeing was the tattoo wall that hung up in the Church. It was the tattoos that members of the church had and the reasons why they had gotten them. People were dressed in shorts and t-shirts and I did not feel judged for who I was or how I was dressed. Then I heard that they had a recovery meeting, and the next week I checked it out.

I went to church one or two times a month for the next 5 months. I got to hang out with a couple people that I really liked and was surrounded by happy people. But I was still an Agnostic and struggled with the concept of God. Then I had a night that started the turning point in my life.

I had been drinking one night, heavily. As I pulled out of the bar to go home, I had a police car pull out behind me. I immediately began to pray. “God, if you let me not get pulled over, I will go to church every Sunday.” I turned and the officer turned with me and I prayed again, “I promise, if you let me not get pulled over I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink again.” I turned and the police officer turned with me again. Every time that happened I added something else. By the time I turned onto my street I was going to start going to church every Sunday, quit drinking, smoking, cussing, fighting and having premarital sex.

As I turned onto my street, the police officer continued going straight. I pulled to my house and sat in the car thinking. I guess that I passed out in my car. I remember waking up in the morning and going to bed. I woke up late that afternoon. I had plans to go to my friend Josh’s house to watch the Super Bowl. I remember getting up and laying in bed trying to piece together the night before. I would generally black out and not remember the previous night, but this time I did. I remembered making the deal as I prayed, and the police car driving by after following me half-way across Springfield kept playing over and over in my mind. 

I sat and thought about what I was going to do. I had plans to go to my friend Josh’s house to watch the Super Bowl, and I got into my car to go. I can remember thinking that there was no way I could go to Josh’s house and keep my part of the bargain. I headed over there anyway. I knew that I had made a deal with God, and that God had kept his part of the bargain. I also knew that I had smoked cigarettes for almost 26 years and been addicted to either drugs or alcohol for 24 years. I could not say no.

As I was driving to my friend’s house I was flipping through radio stations when I heard a song start that I had never heard before. As it played, I started to cry. I had to pull over due to the tears. I could not see to drive. As soon as I heard the words, “I wish you could see me know, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was,” I knew that I would never smoke again. At that moment I knew that I would never drink or do drugs again. God spoke to me, and I heard a voice in my head start repeating over and over again, saying, “You are not who you were yesterday. You are changed. You can do this. You never have to be who you were again.” 

The song turned into my anthem and has remained my anthem. I have not drank, smoked a cigarette, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight since the night I prayed to God and bargained with him. I have been able to do that because I’m not who I was. I have begun to relate to the song more and more as my life has changed. When he says, “I used to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side too,” I see the way that I feel about myself and others. I was mad at myself and was hurting. Due to that, I was mad at everyone else, too. I would do whatever I could to keep people away from me, because I knew that if they got to know me, they would hurt me.

When he says, “I found my way around to forgiving you some time ago,” I remembered how hard it was to forgive myself. Long after everyone else had forgiven me, I still struggled to forgive myself for the choices in my past. Then I got saved and turned my life around, and I stopped focusing on hating myself and began looking at how I could use my past to help others. I also forgave the people that I hated in my addiction. Many of them I will never see again to tell them that all is forgiven.

I have ended friendships out of anger when I was really angry at myself, or I was tired of seeing disappointment in their eyes that might or might not have been imagined every time that they looked at me. I was mean and hateful because I was coming down, or I had just gotten out of jail, or just gotten hurt  by somebody else and took it out on them. There are so many reasons......................

Later in the song he says, “I wonder if you ever loved me just for who I am.” That line breaks my heart, because it is so true. I see the people who were my “friends” in my addiction and I know that they did not love me for who I was. My friends were my friends when I was an addict because of several reasons: I had money, I had drugs, I would give them drugs for free or cheap so they could get a hustle on, I gave them a place to sleep, I would buy them food and cigarettes, I would let them take advantage of me, I had a vehicle, they were scared of me/intimidated by me, they wanted to sleep with me or they wanted to sleep with my girlfriend. Never for who I was, but what was in it for them. Sad, sad, sad, but oh so true.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Even though we make changes in our lives, we still have things that have happened in the past and things that happen today that will hurt us and cause us pain. In my past, everything was someone else’s fault. I would feel pain and it would make me strike out at others. This changed in my recovery, as when old situations would arise (new ones too) I would look at the part that I played in them. This was progress. My old friend was blame. Not accepting responsibility kept me sick. If I did not do it, I could not change it. When I accept responsibility, I can then make positive changes!

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was the exact opposite of this. In my addiction I thought that I could sing. I found out in my sobriety that I could not. It was kind of embarrasing when I realized that I could not sing nearly as well as I thought that I could. I had always been encouraged to sing, but those people were as out of it and as fake as I was. I can carry a tune, but it is done with a voice that cracks at all the wrong places. Sobering reality!

The second part of this verse shows the difference in some of us in our addictions. I wanted no one around me when I was an addict. I would chase people away. If someone told me that they loved me, I would break up with them. If they were sick enough to love someone like me, I wanted nothing to do with them. Now, I know that I am worth loving and I have something to offer a partner. No doubt, I am not who I was!

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

I have a lot of people in my past that I feel I owe apologies to that I will never see again. I have not forgotten them, nor how I have wronged them. I have instead thought that living my life well and trying to help other’s live their lives well is the best way that I can make amends. I also think that they may read my blogs or my upcoming book, or see me giving my testimony and see the changes that I have made. I do not regret what I have done, because it has made me who I am. That said, I have done things that were messed up and wrong. I just have realizes that I cannot beat myself up about the past. I cannot change the past, I can only make positive changes in today. Therefore, today is where I stay.

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

My favorite line of the song! Amazing grace is truly that, amazing. Grace is both unmerited favor and being given the ability to carry out the will of God. I realized that in my recovery and in my relationship with Christ, I found that I was undeserving of the grace that I received. I surely did not deserve favor from God. At the same time, I realized that I deemed others as unworthy of getting grace. I would look at many with animosity and would not forgive them when they wronged me.

As I grew, I found that if I were given favor by God and the ability to carry out His will, then surely that would mean I needed to forgive others and give others favor that were undeserving in my eyes. As I began to give other’s the grace that I was blessed to receive, I stopped seeing others as undeserving and gained an ability to see others for who they could be. That is what love is about, giving people the compassion, hope and faith they need. This allows them to become who they were meant to be, instead of remaining who they are. God blessed me, and to thank Him I should follow what He deems important. He said that love never fails! So I share my success with others and believe that they too can make positive changes.

This song has seen me go from addiction to working as a substance abuse counselor. I am currently writing a book called Spiritual Spackle, about how my life was as an agnostic struggling with addictions and mental illness and is now by the grace of God, as well as the concepts that got me sober. I am also currently creating a non-profit called Better Life in Recovery to take the message of recovery into Junior High, High School and colleges as well as churches, youth groups, small groups, seminars and conferences. I also speak about what God has done in my life any chance I get. I have spoken at recovery groups both secular and faith based, at churches, colleges and at conferences about how I am not who I was.

This song is also regularly shared with the clients that I work with when they are feeling defeated, hopeless and unable to change. I talk to them about the change being possible, but not if they do not realize that they are not the same person they were when they were in active addiction. I have found this song gets that message across to people better than simply telling them.

I met Brandon Heath at a concert in October of 2009. I did a meet and greet with him and the other entertainers that performed with him. I was excited to tell him the impact that his song had on me. I talked to him for maybe 2 minutes and told him where I was in my life while in addiction and that I was now sober and saved and his song was my anthem for recovery. He told me thanks, that it meant a lot as a song writer to hear that his songs were actually making a difference and having an impact. 

I would love to actually have the opportunity to talk to him for twenty minutes and give him my testimony. I would tell him about the things that have happened to me in my life, and where I am now. To share with him the impact that “I’m Now Who I Was” has had on me. To talk about the projects I am currently a part of. To let him know how his song has been the fuel that has helped me advance God’s Kingdom by sharing the amazing changes Christ can make in your life if you accept Him into your life. I’m not who I was, and the confidence to step into recovery was given to me by Brandon Heath’s song. This song was the catalyst that  let me know that I could change and I was no longer a failure, but could become an inspiration. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope.

X Factor's Chris Rene performs "Young Homie" & A Word of Advice

Just a quick blog about the X-Factor and an audition that I just saw. It was a kid named Chris Rene who stated that he was 70 days clean and that he had just got out of rehab. When he said that he was going to do an original song, I instantly smelled disaster. You never want to do an original song in front of the judges. LA Reid and Simon Cowell both turned and looked at each other with dread in their eyes. Simon turned back with a smug look ready to chasitise Chris when his audition was over. As it started you could see the looks change, and by the time he got to the chorus he had won over the judges completely.

I personally was delighted to have been wrong. Instead of hearing what I expected, I was blown away. It was original, it was fresh and it was relevant. It was a song about him changing his life and seeing how the using and the violence of the streets solves nothing, it only hurts us, keeps us seperated from and shortens the time we have on Earth to spend with the one's that we love. 

In the intro he talks about how he started with THC, moved to alcohol and then to coke and meth and from there it was all over. It is a progression that I have seen often in clients and in myself. By the time you realize that you are an addict and that using sucks it feels like it is too late to quit.

Chris also spoke of the guilt and shame that broke him. That is a familiar story in addiction circles. Often the drugs, alcohol, food, money (insert your what here) is simply a symptom of the real problem. The real problem is often us trying to numb and escape from the shame, guilt, trauma, depression, anxiety, loneliness, self-loathing, etc that we are experiencing. Once we realize that it helps temporarily we begin to use more and more until eventually we are always numb.

Once this stage is reached, it is nearly impossible to make the change alone. We need to seek help from people who have fought this demon and can relate to us. If I want to learn to fight, I learn it from people who have experience fighting and know how to win. That is found in recovery groups all over the world, a brotherhood of people in recovery willing to share their strength, faith and hope with us.

You can tell that LA Reid has obviously worked with people who have been in addiction. When he says that if he calls he better not talk to sister or mother or girlfriend, but it had better always be Chris who answers that phone and talks to him to let him know that he is okay you know what LA Reid has experienced before. You know that he has had one addict or another having someone who loves them lie for them. Funny how we make the people who love us lie for us over and over again. We drag them down to our own spiritually sick level. We basically attempt to destroy their spirituality as well as our own in our addiction.

All that said, I wish Chris the very best. This will be a long road and one that is impossible to accomplish without a brotherhood of people in recovery that have his back. He will need to stand strong and create some very firm boundaries with people. You know that if he wins $5 million, all of his old playmates (druggin' and thuggin' buddies) are gonna come hunting him down. His "homies" will be right back in his face, trying to romance him with thoughts of the good old days and how they were always there for him.

I hope that his sober support system and his love for his little boy are enough to bring him through the rough times, and that he always remembers where he once was. Playmates and playgrounds are dangerous. If he hangs out with his old "buddies" the question is not IF he will relapse, but WHEN he will relapse.

My advice to Chris Rene would be to continue doing three things. First and foremost are one form of 12 step recovery meeting; whether it is NA, AA, Living Free or Celebrate Recovery keep attending those meetings 2-3 times a week. The second thing is having a sponsor and accountability partners that will be there for and with him to watch his back, give him sage advice and positive support on a daily basis. Third is that he continue to work the 12 steps on a daily basis for the rest of his life. When he says that there is always a chance, and always a choice he is absolutely right. But in the end, it is up to you to make the right choice. Narrow is the road to recovery, and broad is the road to relapse. That is why the daily working of the 12 steps is so important.

The 12th step is the most important step in the road to overcoming the guilt and shame that he says broke him. It allows us to turn all of the negative choices that we and the people in our lives made around and find a positive purpose for them occurring. By his owning his addiction and talking about it on a platform as big as the X Factor stage shows that he is unafraid to work his 12th Step. I only pray that he set him self up for success and have the ability to continue rocking that 12th step, and never forget the first 11.

 So, here are the lyrics to Young Homie followed by the audition. This is my shout out to a song about recovery from one new to the fold! God bless you Chris, stay strong and stay sober!!

I open up my mind with these spoken words,
Let this music heal like an overture,
She’s the only one,

And so I roll with her,

That’s how it’s supposed to be,
Living life with loved ones close to me,
Shh, this is the remedy,
And I got the recipe, I don’t need no Hennessy,
Yeah, it’s been two months now,
Haven’t had a drink and I’m starting to see clear now,
I’m putting all my fears down,
I can hear the cheers now,
Seeing peace signs when I look around,

Hey, young homie what you trippin' on
Looking at life, like how did I get it wrong,
But life’s too short, gotta live it long,
To my brothers and sisters when will we get along,
Hey, big homie what you trippin' on,
What you really trippin' on,
Life’s too short, gotta live it long,
To my brothers and sisters when will we get along

Give peace to the war in the streets,
Give peace to the evil that creeps, yeah,
It takes education, to change your reputation,
From good to bad, you're even better now you’re elevating,
They be singing, family singing, everybody’s chilling,
Not gonna stop this, living on the feeling,
Man this is the real thing, tell me can you feel me,
So wait until they drop this, dancing on the ceiling,

Hey, young homie what you trippin' on
Looking at life, like how did I get it wrong,
What you really trippin' on life’s too short, gotta live it long,
To my brothers and sisters when will we get along,
They never thought I'd make it this far
Look now here we are,
See I never thought I'd take it this far.

VIDEO WITH HIS STORY AND SONG

JUST THE SONG 

Songs of Recovery - I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

When I first began listening to worship music, I heard a song from the singer/song writer Brandon Heath that was entitled, “I’m Not Who I Was.” As soon as I heard it, I adopted it as my recovery anthem. It was also my mantra as a new Christian who was recently saved. I was able to totally relate to this song. If you have never heard it, you will soon see why this was my anthem. The song starts off:

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

I could only imagine the look on the faces of the people that I used to know if they were able to see me now that I have been transformed. Much like the ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan, I had a very ugly life style that has been changed into what I would consider a much better way to live. I am certain that most of society would agree with me that my life is lived better now.

If people from my past could see me now, the way that I talk and live my life would be all that was needed to show them how different I am now. Even people from 3 years ago acknowledge the differences that they see in me.

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

One of the major changes is my anger and my attitude. I used to be mad at you is an understatement. I used to be mad at everybody. They were either preaching at me, wanting me to change or in my paranoia I thought that they were trying to take advantage of me. I was not only angry, I was hurt. Now that I have gotten sober and saved, there have been fundamental changes that have occurred.

The reason there have been fundamental changes is that my viewpoint has changed. I realize that much of what I was angry and hurt by was often people who wanted better for me. It was not that they did not like who I was, they did not like the person I had become. Looking back, I cannot really blame them. I was not a good person, no matter how much I tried to act like. I did token good things with my money, but my heart and my conscience were anything but good. Sugar coating does not change what is beneath.

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I have forgiven people that I will probably never see again. They will probably never know that I was never really mad at them, unless they read this blog (If you are one of those people, leave a comment or drop me an email so that we can talk). It is not so much forgiving people as it is realizing that I was the one at fault.

I have ended friendships out of anger when I was really angry at myself, or I was tired of seeing disappointment in their eyes that might or might not have been imagined every time that they looked at me. I was mean and hateful because I was coming down, or I had just gotten out of jail, or just got screwed over by somebody else and took it out on them. There are so many reasons......................

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

I am prone to laughter when I see the 150 pound meth addict that I used to be. When I see my old pictures it is either laugh or cry. I was a cute kid, and my addiction aged me slightly but it changed me. I have best friends now see pictures of me from high school and they ask who the pictures are of. They are not being nice, I have changed!

I see the people who were my “friends” in my addiction and I know that they did not love me for who I was. My friends were my friends when I was an addict because of several reasons: I had money, I had drugs, I would give them drugs for free or cheap so they could get a hustle on, I gave them a place to sleep, I would buy them food and cigarettes, I would let them take advantage of me, I had a vehicle, they were scared of me/intimidated by me, they wanted to sleep with me or they wanted to sleep with my girlfriend. Never for who I was, but what was in it for them. Sad, sad, sad, but oh so true.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Even though we make changes in our lives, we still have things that have happened in the past and things that happen today that will hurt us and cause us pain. In my past, everything was someone else’s fault. I would feel pain and it would make me strike out at others. This changed in my recovery, as when old situations would arise (new ones too) I would look at the part that I played in them. This was progress. My old friend was blame. Not accepting responsibility kept me sick. If I did not do it, I could not change it. When I accept responsibility, I can then make positive changes!

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was the exact opposite of this. In my addiction I thought that I could sing. I found out in my sobriety that I could not. It was kind of embarrasing when I realized that I could not sing nearly as well as I thought that I could. I had always been encouraged to sing, but those people were as out of it and as fake as I was. I can carry a tune, but it is done with a voice that cracks at all the wrong places. Sobering reality!

The second part of this verse shows the difference in some of us in our addictions. I wanted no one around me when I was an addict. I would chase people away. If someone told me that they loved me, I would break up with them. If they were sick enough to love someone like me, I wanted nothing to do with them. Now, I know that I am worth loving and I have something to offer a partner. No doubt, I am not who I was!

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

I have a lot of people in my past that I feel I owe apologies to that I will never see again. I have not forgotten them, nor how I have wronged them. I have instead thought that living my life well and trying to help other’s live their lives well is the best way that I can make amends. I also think that they may read my blogs or my upcoming book, or see me giving my testimony and see the changes that I have made. I do not regret what I have done, because it has made me who I am. That said, I have done things that were messed up and wrong. I just have realizes that I cannot beat myself up about the past. I cannot change the past, I can only make positive changes in today. Therefore, today is where I stay.

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

My favorite line of the song! Amazing grace is truly that, amazing. I have written a blog already about the song Amazing Grace, which you can find here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/08/songs-of-recovery-amazing-grace-my.html Grace is both unmerited favor and being given the ability to carry out the will of God. As I continued on in my recovery and in my relationship with Christ, I found that I was undeserving of the grace that I received. I surely did not deserve favor from God. At the same time, I realized that I deemed others as unworthy of getting grace. I would look at many with animosity and would not forgive them when they wronged me.

As I grew, I found that if I were given favor by God and the ability to carry out His will, then surely that would mean I needed to forgive others and give others favor that were undeserving in my eyes. As I began to give other’s the grace that I was blessed to receive, I stopped seeing others as undeserving and gained an ability to see others for who they could be. That is what love is about, giving people the compassion, hope and faith they need. This allows them to become who they were meant to be, instead of remaining who they are. God blessed me, and to thank Him I should follow what He deems important. He said that love never fails! So I share my success with others and believe that they too can make positive changes.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

This is a great way to finish this blog. I do hope that this site with all it contains and my life itself allow people to see the changes that have been made thanks to the Holy Spirit working in and through me. I do not just talk about it, I am about it. If you want to see different, look at how I lived my life as recently as 3 years ago and how I live it today. Guarantee that you will see one thing: I’M NOT WHO I WAS!!!!!!!!!!!

Songs of Recovery - Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) by Chris Tomlin

There is a song that I know well. Even as an Agnostic, I was still seen in church on occasion. I would be there for either funerals or weddings. Without fail, at almost every funeral that I attended, I would hear the song Amazing Grace. I have always thought that it was a beautiful and haunting song. I have heard it sang in every style possible, from bluegrass to country to soul and even a cappella rhythm and blues. I have never heard the song and not thought of death before I was saved.


After I got saved the song took on new meaning. I still think of the first verse, and what it means to me now:          

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I'm found

Was blind, but now I see

God's grace change my life. I often give the rundown of my past, so it has been posted in several blogs. If you are new to my blog, you have probably not read it. This was the difference between me before and after I was found by God and transformed by the Holy Spirit and you can read about it in my blog Jonah and the Whale/How I Know God Exists. It is the highlighted part of the blog: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/07/jonah-and-big-fish.html


I was blind to being able to change my life. I was trapped in the certainty that either I or some other secular method could change my life for the better. I would see glimpses of sobriety, but recovery was always just out of reach. I never had extended sobriety. I could never forget who I used to be or forgive myself for what I had done. This kept me mired in my past, and all I could do to survive was stay numb. Then I was blessed with God's grace (unwarranted favor-the ability to do God's will). Since then it has all been different. 


The second verse of Amazing Grace says:

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear

And grace my fears relieved

How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

I do not fear God in any way, shape or form. Not in the traditional sense, at least. I do not fear his punishment, but I do fear letting Him down. It is much like I did when I was a child with my father, who was my Superman. I wanted my dad to respect me and be proud of me. So I have fear of letting God down, yet through grace I know that I cannot let Him down (and grace my fears relieved). I still do not want to displease God, but I know that his favor isn't earned by anything that I do. It was earned through Christ's sacrifice. 

I can still remember the first time that I heard the chorus. I was at Celebrate Recovery the first time that I heard this version of Amazing Grace. For a recovering addict/sinner/convict, it was like a promise that was promised to me and was being kept already. It was the knowledge that someone had put into words what I was already feeling/living:

My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy rains

Unending love, Amazing grace

The chains of servitude were gone. No longer was I a slave to drugs, alcohol and the life of sin that I once lived. I could never forgive myself, but his forgiveness rained on me like a flood that cleansed me. I finally realized that I was worthwhile, that I was greater than I once was. I was also allowed to see that every thing that I had lived through had made me wiser, stronger and brought me to the place I am at now. I love where I am at now!

The third verse says:

The Lord has promised good to me

His word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures

Yes, the Lord has promised good to me. I have the Holy Spirit residing inside of me, to give me strength to do what is needed. This does not mean that life will be lemon drops and lollipops. God does not promise that once we are saved it will be rainbows and cotton candy. Instead, He gives us the promise of an eternity of bliss in the next life. Not 70 or 80 years, but eternity. Before, I would wake up every day depressed because I knew that right now could possibly be the best it will ever get. Knowing that I have good promised to me gives me hope to make it through today. What is 70 or 80 years in the face of eternity? It is but a blink of an eye. I can deal with what ever this old world throws at me because I know what is promised! 

The last verse of this song finishes with:

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow

The sun forbear to shine

But God, Who called me here below

Will be forever mine

Will be forever mine

You are forever mine

Once again, we see that this world is only temporary. God gives us the promise of eternal life. So even as we see this world turn on itself and begin to sink to new depths, we know that we are not relegated to living in this world of sin forever. When this world has been destroyed, we will be with our Abba, Father! How reassuring is that? I know that no matter what happens, I will endure because my eye is set on an eternal prize. 

My chains are gone and I have been set free from more than just my addictions. I have been set free from this world. I may live IN IT, but I am no longer OF IT! The chains of sin and wanting to fit in with the people of this world no longer have me bound. They may be scrambling; thinking of how to make more money or buy more expensive toys. My heart is set on how to better help those around me. How can I exemplify Christ in my walk? How can I better serve my heavenly Father? How can I show others the amazing grace that has been shown to me? Those are the questions that I answer by living my life to benefit others and obeying the Great Commission!

Songs of Recovery - Let it Fade by Jeremy Camp

February 1st, 2009 was the first day of my walk with Christ. I had the transformation that you can read about in my About Me page at about 2 A.M. on February 1st. Since then it has all been different. I used to go to secular concerts, which were always as much about the alcohol and drugs as they were about the music. That may not be your take on them, but they were in my world.

Due to this, I had not been to a concert in the first couple of months after I got saved, which was weird for me. I attended at least 10 concerts a year at the time, but with no longer drinking and wanting to change my life I had simply stopped going to them. I had some friends from New Life who invited me to a concert with them. It was called the Rock and Worship Roadshow, and it was in April of 2009.

It was a worship concerts with a couple of great acts, among them Mercy Me, Tenth Avenue North and Jeremy Camp . I will discuss the concert in a future blog that will be about the concert and the impact that it had on me. This is how much the entire concert affected me, I could easily write several thousand words on the experience. That said, there was one song that I had never heard before. I did not really know who Jeremy Camp was at the time, but I recognized a song or two from listening to 88.3 The Wind (WKND). He stepped up and played his first few songs. I liked all of the songs he played, but when he began to sing one...........WOW! That is the only word that comes to my mind, wow!! It started with:

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

I remember sitting in the crowd and thinking, "Why yes, I have been walking on an uncertain surface and filling my life with empty things." I walked on my own, and I can tell you that is very uncertain. I have first thought wrong. My brain is a scary place to be all by myself, and I was there a lot. And as for helping myself to empty things, everything that I did was an empty act. If I was doing something nice, it was probably for show. I wanted people to think that I was not a bad person, so I did things and made sure that people knew about it.

As for my lifestyle, you get no more empty than numbing with drugs and alcohol and erecting walls to keep everyone out so that you can feel safe and not put your heart out there. He was right, I could not live my life that way too long. I had quite a few friends who were dead from their addictions. It had been me against the world for too long. Living without anyone to depend on but me (and my sister) was frustrating and tiring. I definitely needed some rest.

The cool thing was that I had finally been found by Christ, and I was actually feeling by this time that I did belong in church. For the first year that I went to New Life, I did not feel that I did belong, though. I did not feel judged by others, but I am my own worst critic. I deemed me unworthy. All of that changed February 1st. Now I had a place that I belonged. Then Jeremy came with the chorus:

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

I knew as soon as I heard that chorus that this was exactly what I had done. I had let my old life crumble away when I had accepted Christ into my life. This new life was my saving grace, as now I no longer had to do everything on my own. I now had the Holy Spirit living inside of me. I knew that I would never be alone again, because Christ was always with me. With God walking with me and the Spirit residing in me I would never again be alone.

Now I had the drive to do what was right. I had surrounded myself with positive people. I was letting my old life crumble and fade away. Like 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" That old life had crumbled when I accepted Christ into my life, and it was fading away more and more each day. His next verse also reminded me of my old life:

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

I had held onto this old world for so long that it had almost killed me. I had lost everything, including my self-respect. I gave into the false belief that numbing would make everything including myself better. If someone wanted to sleep with me, then I was a good person. If I could numb it due to the drugs or alcohol, then it did not exist. If I could beat people up, then they would listen to me so they must respect me. This was all a big masquerade. Perception is reality, but that does not make it true. 

Every time thata I tricked myself, it was fleeting. I would feel better until I sobered up, or until I was alone again. Then I would feel worthless all over again. I would always have to repeat the cycle in order to have the illusion of normality. And it was an illusion! What I considered normal most people would consider insane. That, and it was only temporary. It was gone and I would have to do it again immediately in order to feel better. Whether it was sex, food, drugs, alcohol or violence. My life was a laundry cycle, rinse and repeat! But I had found a new way to live. The new way was truly the chorus of the Jeremy Camp song:

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

This song simply reinforced what I already knew. Life with Christ was the new life that offered me hope. Only by the grace of God was I able to step out of my addiction into a life that was worth while. I was no longer angry, I was no longer full of self-loathing. I actually liked who I was and had faith that I could be a good example and an inspiration. I was no longer running from my calling, I was running towards it. I was built from the ground up, from my infancy up to be a teacher, a motivator and an inspiration. 

Thanks Jeremy! This song reinforced what I already knew. The first thing that I did after your set was go and buy your CD's and a T-Shirt that said Let This Old Life Crumble on the front and Let it Fade on the back. Then I came back, sat down and listened to Mercy Me. Great song, and a great way of telling us that there is so much more than this old life that we are currently living. I found it to be inspirational, and it has always been one of the songs that I listen to that help me realize how much better my life is now than it once was!

Songs of Recovery - Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day

I am 4 months removed from burying my father after he committed suicide. I have recently broken up with the mother of my 1 year old son, and she has not let me see him for several weeks. I am agnostic. I am broken. I am a functioning alcoholic who is working one full-time and one part-time job, I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I cannot complete a sentence without using the "F" word  and I am getting into fights semi-weekly. I still think convict and junkie every time that I look into a mirror, even though I have not done drugs other than alcohol for several years. No matter what I do, how many degrees I have, I still see myself as worthless and the only thing that really matters to me, my son, I am not able to see.

That is where I was a little over three years ago. Thankfully, I had several people that I knew reach out to me. One of them was Nate, who I worked with and the other was his wife Becca. They were 2 of the only Christians that I had ever met that did not judge me and that appeared to be genuine. They walked the walk instead of just talking it. They saw me, shattered and hopeless, and invited me to church. I would have said no, but they suckered me in with the BBQ that was after the service. If you saw me you would understand. I do not say no to food. In fact, I love food. BBQ just so happens to be near the top of the list when it comes to my favorite things to eat. That is probably the reason that I am currently on a diet. 18 pounds down, 37 pounds to go!

I remember several things about that day that made me feel welcome at their church, which is New Life Church. I have talked about the ink wall, which is the wall when you first walk into the church that has pictures of tattoos that people who attend New Life have, along with the meaning of the tattoo and where they got it done. Today, I will talk about the first song that they played in service and how it made me feel as I read the words of the screen that morning.

The song was a perfect song for my first experience with the church. It was Cry Out to Jesus by the band Third Day. It starts off:

                      To everyone who's lost someone they love
                      Long before it was their time
                      You feel like the days you had were not enough
                      when you said goodbye.

As I heard the band sing these words, tears formed in my eyes. All I could think about was my father, and how I did not get to really say goodbye. I thought about the last words that I ever said to him, face-to-face and how I could never take it back. I thought about all of the times that we talked and I took it for granted! I thought about the fact that my son would never be able to meet his grandfather, my father, the man that I call Superman (I blog about him here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-superman.html).
Then came the second stanza:

                                      And to all of the people with burdens and pains
                                      Keeping you back from your life
                                      You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
                                      Who can make it right.

The tears began to roll, as I thought of how miserable I was. I had tried substance abuse rehabilitation, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, Narcotic's Anonymous and Alcoholic's Anonymous but there was something that was missing. The only thing that I had found to work was alcohol, sex and violence. It took my mind off of my current and past problems and made it right for a while. But even that was only temporary, and I knew in my heart that nothing could change me, nothing could make it right. Then came the chorus:

                                There is hope for the helpless
                                Rest for the weary
                                Love for the broken heart
                                There is grace and forgiveness
                                Mercy and healing
                                He'll meet you wherever you are
                                Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

I continued to cry, I can remember this. I was the helpless, the weary, the broken hearted. This song could have been written about me. What could they possibly mean that there was hope, rest, love and mercy. I could not forgive myself, so how could anyone else forgive me. They did not realize who I was, that I was an addict, that I was evil and mean and hateful and arrogant and every other negative thing that I could possibly think of. There would never be love for me, because I could not even love myself. I was an addict, a junkie, the worst of the worst. Even though I was not using any more I was still a drunk, and I knew who I really was! Several stanzas later, God spoke to me again through music as I heard the entire congregation sing:
                                        

                For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
             You try to give up but you come back again
                Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
                  And your suffering

                 When your lonely
              And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
            You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
                Cry to Jesus

Wow, even me?!?! Even the addict was being talked about. My life was being mentioned. I had kept trying to change, but no matter what I did I was always still me. No matter how much I tried to change, what I took, where I moved, who I associated with I was still me. I was still miserable, I was worthless. Since when were addicts talked about inside of church, other than when the pastor said, "Don't be like these people!" I was lonely, I was suffering, and the whole world was crashing down on me. I was pretty sure that there was no help for me, but I had several friends that were in church that day with me, they had a program of recovery I had never tried called Celebrate Recovery, and the band actually rocked!

Maybe there was something different about church than what I was used to. Maybe they were not all judgemental and holier than thou.  Maybe I would give this place called New Life Church a chance. I still did not believe in God, but I felt a little better for the first time in a while. I felt accepted, I felt a little less stress, I felt a little more at ease than when I had walked in and I liked it. Yep, I decided, I will give this a chance and see what happens! Here I sit 3 years later, and the journey was definitely worth it. This is one of the songs that was truly instrumental in my still being alive today, in my being blessed with a life worth living. I went from hope-less to hope-filled. I took the road less traveled, and it has made all the difference in my life.

Songs of Recovery - How the Devil Used Music to Control Me

There is something about music that really affects us. It has the ability to impact our lives, it can make life seem more worth living. Even Friedrich Nietzsche had to admit that. He said that, "Without music, life would be a mistake." Music is a great escape. It can save us from our feelings, or it can intensify them. Maya Angelou said, "Music was my refuge.  I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness." 

Music has always affected me in immeasurable ways. Like food is for our physical body, I believe that music is food for our soul. It will nourish us, sustain us, we are what we eat. Junk food is seen through our physical bodies when we have too much of it. That said, if we listen to junk music it can be seen in our actions and how we live our lives. Just like food, music has a manifestation.

I can remember listening to mostly gangster rap and heavy metal when I was in my addiction. I was angry, so I listened to angry music. I was violent, and I listened to music about violence. I was an addict and a drunk, so I listened to music about drug dealing and partying. I reveled in my sin, so I listened to songs about debauchery. I had extreme road rage, and have punched people at red lights and stop signs for cutting me off in traffic. The music encouraged my rage, and discouraged restraint.

Don't get me wrong, I take responsibility for my actions. That said, the music helped. Kind of like smoking cigarettes and cancer. You may not want to get cancer, yet you smoke. You are still responsible for the choice that you made, but the cigarettes led to lung cancer having a higher probability of occurance in you. Music is the same way. I probably would have continued making negative choices in my life without the music, but the music increased the probability of my making the choices that I did.

Even after the addiction, I still kept the music. And I wondered why I stayed angry. I wondered why I still felt such a strong pull to always do the wrong thing, to make the worst possible choice in any given scenario. I feel that music is just another way that the Devil can control us. I heard songs about drugs, money, threesomes and other sins. I sang these songs, and I liked them. Tell me that is not reinforcing the behaviors.

Why would you go to church and hear about Jesus dying to forgive us of our sins, then sing songs that praise the sins that Jesus died to forgive us of when we are not in church. I thank Jesus in church for dying to forgive the very same sins that I praise by singing about outside of church? That is nonsensical at best, and pure sin at its' worst. I believe that it sends mixed messages to those who know that we are Christian, to our family members and especially to our children. This goes back to a past blog that asked if you are a stop or a go Christian that you can find here:  http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/stop-or-go.html

If we truly believe in the Bible and are trying to represent Christ, we would not sing songs that glorify sin! If you want to change your life, why would you only change one aspect of it and not change it completely? My listening and singing the songs that I did was just one more way for the Devil to control what went into my mind and came out of my mouth. It was also influencing my moods, emotions, how I appeared to those around me and how people look at Christians if I am one that they have close contact with.

 As a dad, I cannot imagine hearing my son sing the lyrics that permeated my life as an addict. Why would I want my son to hear music that is diametrically opposed to how I want him to grow up. He soaks up everything, and I know that what I listened to would have a detrimental effect on him if I still listened to it.........so I do not. I have made the switch to worship music. I no longer listen to secular music except on rare occasions. I no longer go to secular concerts, I only attend worship concerts. This is my choice, and I will get into the reasons for that in another blog. 

The bottom line is, we need to change what we ingest mentally. There is an acronym, GIGO, that come to mind. It stands for garbage in garbage out. If I continue to soak my soul with music that is garbage, then that will encourage me to act in ways that garbage, metaphorically speaking. The blogs that are entitled Songs of Recovery will be blogs that discuss how different songs have positively affected my recovery and strengthened my belief in Christ and will end with a video of the song. They will also discuss how that song can be used by you to encourage and strengthen your walk with Christ, or help you build a stronger recovery.

To end this blog, I do not have a song. Instead, I have a poem from the Passion for Christ Movement, or P4CM. It discusses how the devil loses us when we give up our secular interests and begin focusing on Christ and being Christ-like. How Dynamic Living and being a Lukewarm Christian are the exact opposite. It discusses how we have to make unpopular decisions and separate ourselves from worldly things. Christ did not call us to be comfortable...........