Good Enough Ain't Good Enough Anymore

In my addiction, I usually did the wrong thing. On occasion, I would do the right thing. Sometimes it was because I still had some principals, other times it was so that I could bring it up later to explain why I was not as bad as other people. Quite a lot of the time, it was by blind luck. Even a broken watch is right twice a day (unless it’s digital, in which case it is never right because you can’t see it or if it displays military time in which case it would be right once a day). Needless to say, the life that I was living in my addiction was good enough. What I was doing I felt was good enough to keep doing until it wasn’t, which took about 17 years. Then another 7.

I decided to get sober. Not really for me, but because I got caught by my probation officer and she sent me to rehab instead of back to prison. I was not doing it for me, I did it to stay out of prison which I had not enjoyed enough to want to go back on a 10 year backup. Also, I did it to show other people that I was not who they thought I was. I thought my reasoning was good enough, but my sobriety only lasted a couple of months before I relapsed.

When I tried to get sober a year later, I never really pushed myself. Instead, I would just do enough to get by. At faking it, I was awesome. I overachieved at the goals others set for me but never really had any goals for myself. Even when I did the 90 meetings in 90 days that was more like 150 meetings in 90 days, I never really listened while I was there. I was too busy telling people all that I knew about sobriety, which at 2 months sober could have fit inside of a thimble. I would also join in on the war stories, which a lot of other people there liked to listen to. But I thought that what I was doing was good enough, until it no longer helped.

I had a counselor who told me not to do drugs and that alcohol was a drug, so I followed in his footsteps and was sober. I actually looked up to him and respected him. Then one day he came into the restaurant I worked at and sat at the bar. While he was at the bar he had several alcoholic drinks. He obviously thought that no one could see him, or that he didn’t have a drinking problem. I am not sure which it was because I never saw him again. For him, what he was doing was good enough. I went out that night and got drunk. If he could do it so could I. Was he the reason I drank? No, but he was the reason I used. It was good enough.

Then I quit drugs which were illegal and became an alcoholic because alcohol was legal. I could rationalize my drinking all day long. Even though I would black out most every night I still worked and went to college. I even graduated honors. I was an alcoholic that drank and drove multiple times EVERY NIGHT. I would wake up with no idea how I got home. I would wake up with shakes and drink to make them go away. Was I happy? No, I was miserable but I was good enough.

Then I decided I wanted more. I wanted more for my life, my son’s life, my relationships, my employment, my day to day life. I was no longer happy with what I had. It was not enough. Good was not enough. I wanted to attain greatness. I went full bore in everything that I did. I decided to never settle for anything less than amazing for myself, my faith, my recovery, my wife and my children. Good was simply not good enough anymore. I wanted great!

I found that if I wanted to change, there were things I had to realize if I wanted to live a better life:

1.       Complacency kills I wanted to be great, and in order to do that I had to never ever settle. If I meet my goals, I create new ones. I was not born to do good things; I was born to achieve greatness!

2.       Keep moving If you are not moving forward, you are moving backward. Life is a journey not a destination.

3.       Educate Yourself Learn, learn and then learn some more. Read, have discourse with intelligent and/or wise people. To die ignorant is the greatest sin we can commit against ourselves.

4.       Ask Questions That is the only way you can find out some things, so don’t be afraid to ask. The only stupid question is the one that isn’t asked.

5.       Be Altruistic It really is better to give than to receive. Do for others, then do some more. There is nothing that makes me feel better than knowing I am necessary.

6.       Speak Loud When it comes to your testimony, shout it from the rooftops. After all, you are the expert at your life and there is a lot of hope and strength that people can get from it.

7.       Shame Sucks Never be ashamed of who you are and what you have done. After all, they made you the person you are today and that person is awesome!

8.       Be Proud of Your SuccessesDefeats build us and our victories define us. Take pride in what you have accomplished. Toot your own horn, because other people might not. People need to hear about both your wins and your losses to know who you are and what you are about. Take pride in the positive things you do.

9.       Be Grateful Learning the difference between wants and needs was vital to my finding happiness and a better life. There are things that I want and things that I need. If I focus on my wants I lose my ability to focus on that which is important. Start your day with a gratitude list and focus on what you have instead of what you don’t. It makes my mornings start off well, which bleeds into the rest of my days.

10.   Never Surrender I was beaten so many times before I even tried because I listened to the voice that told me I could not do it. I stopped listening to that voice and accepted I had no limitations as long as I was not dead. That is when the game is over. If you are still breathing, than victory can still be yours!

11.   Get the 5 Pillars The 5 Pillars are: A team to play for (Jesus), a coach (sponsor/mentor), teammates (accountability partners), a game plan (The Bible [for Cliff Notes use the book of James]/12 Steps) and practice (small groups, church, support meetings).

12.   Put God First My life is no longer about me. I put God first and every thing else comes second. If I put God first it makes all other areas of my life better. I become a better husband, father, friend, employee, etc. It all starts with God and trickles down from there. After all, I was an addict for decades and tried every way you can imagine to quit using and failed. An atheist said a fox hole prayer 5 years ago and I have not used since. And I am WAAAYYYYYY happier!

You Never Have to Use Again

I was new to the program, or newish. I had one stint of being sober. I had stayed clean for a couple of months after a residential treatment I did, but it had not taken. Looking back, I was not ready at the time. I did not have the commitment, mostly due to a confusion where I thought that my wants were actually needs. That in turn led me to craving money, which led me back to manufacturing and distributing methamphetamine. That was the only way I knew to make the money I felt I needed at the time.

Once I started selling again, I felt the need to use again. Once I used again, it was all over. I found out that my addiction did not take a couple of months off when I did. I realized quickly that although I had not been feeding my addiction, it had still grown. My addiction no longer needed my help. It was in the back of my head doing its’ thing: lifting weights, running on a treadmill and on a computer doing research.

My addiction got stronger and smarter during my time away. When I came back, the lie told me I could sell it and not use it. That quickly morphed into being able to try it just to see if it was good quality. A bump led to a bubble led to using intravenously all in the same day. It had told me lies that were almost believable. I wanted them to be true, so I ran with them.

That 13 month relapse was above and beyond the previous 16 years. In the first 16 years, I had to get my stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning. In the next 13 months I overdosed 3 separate times. I was left for dead in a motel room, found not breathing at my house and flopped at a friend’s house and used enough that I went blind and went into seizures. Before that I had never done more than overamped. To top it all off in the week before I went to a meetingI had been at a drug deal gone bad where I had shot someone (I found out later he lived) after one of my partner’s buddies had gotten shot in the leg.

That period, a year and a month of my life, was above and beyond anything I had previously experienced. How quickly it devolved is what led me to leaving everything behind I owned and knew. I left the town I was living in and showed up at my mom’s house with nothing but a duffel bag full of clothes. I was done, and material things had lost all interest. After all, it was only stuff and none of that could replace my life if I lost it in my addiction. I figured that was next. Even if I were a cat, I was about out of lives. That is what brought me to my first meeting in Springfield.

I walked into that meeting with my friend Jay the day I moved to Springfield. I had one of Jay’s friends tell me something I had never heard before. He asked how much time I had clean, and I told him that I had less than 24 hours. He then said, “At an NA meeting with less than a day clean. That is a great start. You are at a meeting where other people who are fighting the same fight can share their strength, experience and hope with you. If you listen to them and apply what you hear here to your life, YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN. This is an easy program that we make more difficult than it is, but the truth is YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN.”

This is one of the most encouraging pairing of words I had ever heard, “You never have to use again.” I heard it twice in one breath at my first meeting in Springfield. I would like to tell you that the previous 13 month relapse had been my rock bottom. I would love to share with you that I had an epiphany and never used again after being told that I didn’t have to. Unfortunately, if I told you that I would be lying.

I was off of drugs for quite some time after that, but I began drinking. That drinking intensified over the next couple of years to the point that I was having an after party at my house most every night. It slowed down after I had my son, but quickly escalated after my father committed suicide.

I am a knuckle head. I seem to always have to learn things for myself. I guess I still needed to learn one more thing the hard way. I did 150 meetings in the first 90 days and then 2-5 meetings a week for the following six months and this was read from the readingHow It Works at every meeting I attended during that time:

 “Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse.                    Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be

confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must        abstain from all drugs in order to recover.”

I will talk more about the damaging effects of alcohol in a future blog entitled “Alcohol is a Drug, Period.”  Today, if you are struggling with addiction I just want you to know one thing, YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN!That said, you will want to make this much harder than it really is. Here are the five pillars you must have to stay clean and sober as well as the two things you must change:

1.       Higher Power/Jesus – I know that the politically correct thing to say here is the non-specific higher power. That said, I tried the non-specific HP as an agnostic and I was back to using again.  It did not work for me. I prayed to Christ once, and since that day I have not: used drugs, drank alcohol, smoked a cigarette, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight outside of a ring in almost 5 years. I was hopeless and a higher power did nothing to instill hope in me. I found hope in Christ that not only could this life be better but there is so much more than just this life. I have something to look forward to in Christ that I did not have in my agnosticism.

2.       The Bible/12 Steps– Some may substitute the 12 steps here, and I have seen them be very effective when working with hurts, habits and hang-ups. For me, the book of James has been amazing. It is short and filled with all of the wisdom one needs to live a great life. I combine the Bible with the 12 steps through both my personal life as well as Celebrate Recovery (which I will cover in #5). Don’t just know it, but actually apply it to your life.

3.       Sponsor/Mentor – Find someone living the life you want who has overcame the struggles you are having. Have them show you how to accomplish your goals and attain your dreams. If you are going through the 12 steps, you want them to have worked the 12 steps. If you are using the Bible find someone well versed in it.

4.       Accountability Partner – I have a couple of friends that I have given permission to call me out if they see me having problems. It might be my attitude, depression, not going to groups or missing church. I also have a friend that has also struggled with addictions and found victory through Christ that I meet weekly for coffee. We share struggles, successes and give each other support and feedback. 

5.       Meetings - Narcotic’s Anonymous, Alcoholic’s Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, etc. This is a place where I hear people who are currently struggling and others who have found recovery. I am reminded of how strong addictions are, how much they can impact your life and that recovery is possible by both the newcomer and the old timer. Here is one of the best places to obtain hope that recovery is possible. Without hope recovery is impossible. I find more positivity and hope in one night of Celebrate Recovery than I did in 7 nights of the other recovery programs. That said, I still attend other recovery meetings because sometimes I feel the need for one when there is no CR available.

6.       Change your playmates– When I was an addict and a criminal, I hung out with addicts and criminals. When I was an alcoholic I hung out with binge drinkers and alcoholics. Like minded people hang out with like minded people. If you want to have a career and be financially stable hang out with people who have careers and financial stability. If you want to be in recovery hang out with people who are in recovery. Birds of a feather flock together and your friends will get you jacked up before you get them on the straight and narrow.

7.       Change your playgrounds – I went from hanging out in bars and clubs to working out and going to coffee houses and meetings. I found that being in bars, clubs and at the homes of people who partied was not conducive to my staying clean and sober. Adding new uncomfortable things to your life will help you make positive changes. Comfortable is what got many of us here. We need to switch it up and the best way is by filling our lives with new positive hobbies: working out, meetings, small groups, hiking, sports, community service, etc.
8.        Community Service - There is nothing that gives people hope and purpose more than rejoining with their communities and actively becoming part of them again. Working side by side with people who have not lived their lives the same way I lived mine yet they work next to me as together we make our communities stronger.

This is the short list of things to do. I will include this as well as many others in the book I am writing that I hope will be published by the end of next year entitled Spiritual Spackle: From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope. It is a look at my addiction, from early childhood abuse to adult criminality and the things I learned from it all that have led me to a life filled with hope in recovery. For now, apply what is lined out above and I can promise that you will never have to use again! After all, there is a Better Life in Recovery!!

Lack of Accountability Kills!

It seems that having no accountability is the “in” thing today. I can understand that, because fads and styles always come back into fashion. Lack of accountability has been around forever. It is actually recorded in Genesis; the very first book of the Bible.  In Chapter 3 verse 12 Adam blamed both the woman and God for the choice he made. In verse 13 the woman blamed the serpent for her choices. They were both told not to eat fruit from a certain tree, and they both failed to comply………..but it wasn’t their fault. It was because of someone else.

You blame your problems on everyone else, because that causes you very little pain. That is the cool thing about having no accountability. Things can never be your fault and you don’t have to feel terrible about the outcome because it was due to some outside factor, anyway!

“If traffic wouldn’t have been so bad, I would not have been late to work.”

“If she wouldn’t have said that, I wouldn’t have hit her!”

“If she wouldn’t have gotten high, I never would have relapsed.”

Does this sound familiar? Well, if he/she/it wouldn’t have (fill in the blank), then I wouldn’t have (fill in the blank). You pretend that you are not responsible for your own actions.  This kind of thinking actually implies that someone else controls what you: say, do, think, feel, etc. This is how negative behaviors are formed.

If it is someone else’s fault, you have nothing to change. There is nothing wrong with you; it is instead the fault of other people, places and things. This mentality traps you in a prison.  This lack of accountability eventually meets up with victimization. It is not only someone else’s fault, but someone is out to get me and that is why all of this is happening to begin with.

“Everyone is out to get me,” and “they are all persecuting me,” become our favorite responses. Another popular one is blaming it on your childhood, “It is just the way I was raised, what do you expect me to do,” as if that forgave everything. Once again, it is not my fault. “This happened because of something outside of me that I cannot control.”

Now we welcome our enemy rationalization, whereby you look at what you do and justify it by saying things like, “Everyone else is doing it,” to which you might add “they just don’t get caught.” There is my personal favorite, “well at least I am not doing (Fill in the blank).” Here a meth user says, “at least I’m not using heroin” in order to justify his drug use and how he feels it could be worse, so he must not be that bad.

Next comes in justification. You can feel better about anything that you do by justifying it. A thief might say, “I only steal from rich people that can afford it” and a drug dealer might say, “It is the law of supply and demand, they are going to use it anyway. At least I know that my drugs are not cut with stuff that could kill them.”  

Out of these come our attitudes, habits and beliefs. As you walk on your journey through life, this is how support the jacked up choices you make. After all, they were not really choices to begin with. You have now learned ways to manipulate the situations and people you come into contact with, using them as a way to avoid any feeling of responsibility. My hope is that you are no longer at this place in your life, and if you are still here that you do not want to be. I hope that you want real change in your life.

If this is to change, there are things you must do in order to change. The first is to avoid old friends and places that are conducive to you once again returning to the person you once were and no longer want to be. It is much easier not to do meth when I am not at the meth dealer’s house and a lot easier to not eat cheesecake when I do not go to the Cheesecake Factory.

Next you begin to utilize the 5 Pillars of Recovery. You must develop a relationship with a Higher Power, and I have found that God is the most effective one. Then you begin to attend meetings or small groups and actually get invested in them. The next pillar is gaining accountability partners, which are people that you give permission to call you out and help you continue moving in the right direction. Another pillar is having a set of actions to guide your life. I have found the 12 steps and the book of James from the New Testament to be very effective. Lastly, obtain a mentor/sponsor that can help you begin applying the 12 steps/James to your life.

From there you only have a couple more needs. You must learn the strength of prayer and meditation. You need also learn that community service is not something that a judge or probation officer has you do. It is something you do in order to make the community around you better, because it is the right thing to do. Finally, begin sharing the hope and strength you have found with others, both those with similar struggles as well as everybody else.

Never forget, everybody needs to hear what you have to say. Everyone needs to buy what you are selling, and you are selling hope. Without it, life is seldom worth living. The only way to come to terms with your past and understand why things happened as they did is to have the opportunity to use your experiences to impact the lives of others positively. And that is the best job I have ever found.

It Doesn't Take Long

I was not in the gym for 3 months and stopped eating healthy. Before that 3 months I had lost almost 30 pounds, which had taken about 6 months. In half the time, all of the weight found it's way back. I am right back where I started 9 months ago. I am now three day into my workout, and I am sore and uncomfortable. It is unpleasant and I don't like the way that I feel. I will continue with my workouts for several reasons.

1. I know that it is good for me. 
2. I know that eventually it will become a routine and I will no longer be uncomfortable.
3. I know that I need to be in better shape.

Whether it is building muscles or building my relationship with God, the same positive reasons to engage in building ourselves up applies. I know that it is good for me. I know that the more I watch television, go to the movies and listen to secular music the more I am subjected to immoral and negative things. If I focus on meditation, prayer, worship music and my eye is on God I will be processing only good things. If garbage in, garbage out is true so is the exact opposite.  

I may be uncomfortable doing it right now because I am unused to it. That is almost always true of anything when we first begin doing it. Once we do something for several weeks, we become accustomed to it. I need to be in the habit of making God a priority.  Christ made me a priority when He died on the cross. The least I can do is return the favor.  

Finally, I need to be in better shape spiritually. I I know that building my relationship with God is important, and I know that the more I know about him the stronger my faith will become. This world is full of evil and temptation. They never take a day off. If my faith and relationship with Christ do not grow, then eventually the calling of this world will draw me back into it. I need to make sure that I am doing things spiritually healthy on a daily basis.

So, in closing here is why we need to stay vigilant and build our relationship with God. It has actually been proven that the more positive I am, the more I will draw positive people to me. So it would reason that the more I am Christ-focused, the more I will draw Christ-focused people to me. I also need to know that there is no difference between secular time and when I am in church. I always represent Christ. My focus should always be on God no matter where I am, and my actions and words should represent that. If not, I need to get back on track before I become so spiritually out of shape that I just give up. Here is how I stay in shape:

1. Pray without ceasing. Make prayer an ongoing daily conversation with God
2. Read the word of God
3. Live your life guided by the book of James (my personal favorite); read it weekly 
4. Attend church consistently (Church is like a workout supplement)
5. Find a small group or prayer group and begin building your community of believers
6. Find a mentor that you can go to when you have doubts or questions
7. Set up accountability partners everywhere you go (work, gym, small group, church, softball, etc)
8. Always represent Christ in all that you say, think and do!