No More Burning Bridges

A couple of people talked to me about the damage I am doing without realizing it. Sometimes I burned bridges and others times I simply put my foot in my mouth by speaking about things as candidly as I do that I am not an expert on. In fact, on occasion I speak on things that I have no idea about because my experiences have not given me the insight I need to talk on the subject. That in turn has made me sound ignorant, ill-informed and even offensive at times.

Due to this, I will try to keep my opinions centered on the things I know best. They are recovery, addiction, mental health issues, trauma, treatment,  parenting, weight struggles, my personal faith, positive ways to impact the communities we live in, stigma faced by people who struggle due to past addictions, mental health issues, trauma and criminality and how to overcome all of those things.

I need to do this for multiple reasons. We are filing the 501c3 paperwork for Better Life in Recovery and forming the board of directors next year. We are also planning to host 24 Better Life in Recovery events that will require many sponsors and volunteers. I need to build connections with the community, and tackling issues outside of my scope of expertise and passion is detrimental to me successfully attaining my immediate and future goals.  I need to stay focused, because  Better Life in Recovery has a lot of things coming up in the future. 

From now on, my blog Spiritual Spackle will contain blogs that address all of the areas I am passionate about. Better Life in Recovery is a new blog starting the first of the year. It will address stigma, stigma reduction, addiction, recovery, mental health issues and positive ways to impact the communities we live in as well as what I have learned through my personal recovery in 500 words or less. Sometime next year I will be starting a Better Life in Recovery podcast that will mimic what I address in the Better Life in Recovery blog

My posts on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter will follow this same plan, adding random things about my family and everything involving Chicago sporting events (other than the White Sox because they reduced the amount of Cubs games I see on WGN so they are dead to me). 

In making changes to what I speak about and adding more outreaches both on social networks and publicly, my hope is to continue making an impact on the communities I truly care about without alienating people along the way. I know the more people I turn off by speaking of things I have no knowledge of, the less impact I and by proxy Better Life in Recovery will have. If there are fewer  people listening, than the impact we have  on our communities is smaller and easier to ignore.

For those who had open and honest conversations with me, I appreciate your candor and hope I can use the feedback I received to have a far greater impact on the communities my heart leads me to reach out to. I want to unite people, not increase the divide that already exists between us. My goal is to afford Better Life in Recovery the opportunity to reach more people each and every day while becoming a force for the sharing of long-term recovery and the eradication of stigma.

In order to meet this endeavor, I will remain as extroverted and animated as I always have been. The difference will be a sharper focus, which will help both me and Better Life in Recovery get more things accomplished. Look forward to the upcoming year, hope you are able to join with us as we continue to share hope and reduce stigma while trumpeting a simple truth, THERE IS A BETTER LIFE IN RECOVERY!!

The Joplin Tornado: One Year Later

So over the weekend I went to Joplin for Restore Fest. It was a year after the EF 5 tornado ripped through Joplin. It had winds that were estimated to reach 250 miles per hour and was on the ground for 22 miles while reaching a width of almost a mile. It leveled houses, businesses, schools, the hospital and churches. It left 161 dead in its wake. To say the least, it was a traumatic experience for many and left most of the residents of Joplin in shock.

I was in Joplin soon after the tornado hit to do psychological first aid to those who had survived the tornado as well as those who were there volunteering. The pictures and video that I had seen on television as well as the prep that we got on the way to Joplin from someone who had already been there left me ill prepared for the devastation that I was to see. Almost every vehicle that I saw people driving was without windows. The tornado had blown them out.

I met many people who were demoralized and down, and it looked like nothing I had ever seen. Every where you saw destruction. Joplinites had lost their jobs, homes, vehicles, pets and families. It may have left over 160 dead, but from looking at Joplin I would have thought that thousands had perished. They did not feel lucky, but they were. I was actually shocked that so few people were dead, based on the carnage that I saw.

This past weekend I came back a year later, for the first time since I had volunteered to counsel those who were left confused, scared, angry, depressed, desperate, etc. Most were experiencing a wide range of emotions a year ago, and a lot of those emotions they were feeling all at once. But you could sense their will and strength.

When I came back for Restore Fest, the survivors had regained their hope and pride because of their will and strength. It was amazing to see all of the construction that was occurring and the places that were in shambles just a year ago, now rebuilt and doing business. Joplin was back, slowly but surely.

I ate at the Chik-fil-A that a year ago had everything sucked out of the window and was completely bare inside. The Burger King that had only the play equipment intact with the building demolished was again in business. The houses may not have been rebuilt, but the carnage was cleaned up. New construction was going on every where you looked. I saw people driving cars that had windows in them. I saw people smiling, laughing and holding their heads high. They had overcame, and over 7,000 people showed up for Restore Fest.

Convoy of Hope was there and they partnered with many other agencies and organizations to do what Convoy does best. Give aid and hope to those who are struggling from disasters and poverty. There was a free event that provided groceries, a health fair, hair cuts, family portraits, lunch and a kid zone with rides and inflatables.

Then Restore Fest kicked off, with amazing worship by some amazing groups. There was Jeremy Camp, Mandisa, Sanctus Real, Andy Cherry (who is a great guy and has a heart for Christ), KJ-52, Rema Soul, Stars Go Dim and many others. It was amazingly fun and inspirational. I saw and heard some people's stories that had felt defeated just a year ago and now had hope.

My last stop on the way out of town was the Spirit Tree. It was strong, beautiful and stood strong when everything around it was blown away. It may have lost all that surrounded it and all it once knew, but it was still there inspiring hope in others.........just like the people of Joplin.

Mixed Emotions - What Are You Passionate About?

Sometimes, I get a little frustrated. I think that part of it is because not every one's passion is for the same thing as mine. Many of us probably feel that way. We cannot understand why people are not as concerned as we are about whatever it is we are concerned about. Some of you feel strongly about finding veterans jobs. Others of you feel strongly about starving children in foreign countries, while still others make it their life's mission to save dogs from being put to sleep. Those are your passions.

Today, I am going to talk about my passion. I hate Satan vehemently. I know that drugs are from Satan. Therefore, I hate drugs vehemently. Even more than that, I hate that we have children who are addicted to them. I spent 23 years of my life abusing drugs and alcohol. I do not want children to have to do the same thing I did. Children deserve to have a childhood. Children should never have to go to prison. Children doing drugs breaks my heart. When you combine those two, drugs and children, you have arrived at what I am most passionate about. 

Due to my passion, I feel that others should be as passionate about the issues as I am. I think that it is our duty to protect our youth. Yet, I see people get more wound up about abused animals than abused children. I see people more upset about Skepticon coming to Springfield than I do about a 12 year old overdosing. Put up a political caption on Facebook and you will get 100 comments. You put up a picture of a 13 year old girl missing for a week and there might be 5 comments.

I just don' t get it? When did we begin to put more value and importance on our pets than our children? Why is a gathering of Atheists and Agnostics causing more of an uproar locally than a 14 year old that has been missing for the last 72 hours? Why is it that drugs are becoming less and less of a big deal. We have not really made a dent in the statistics of those who use illegal drugs. It has shifted from one drug to another being the most popular, but the rates are not improving much.

I have mixed emotions. Part of me knows that politics are a big deal. That is where funding should come from for the education of our youth. That is where money should be coming from when it comes to prevention strategies for substance abuse. But we keep cutting the funding to our programs for children, then wonder what is wrong with them. I guess that I don't have mixed emotions, I am feeling a righteous anger. Why are our children not of the utmost importance? What could be more important than our youth, who are the future of our world?

I had churches that I went to and asked if I could set up a table in their church lobby to let people know about the program that we are starting. Some of those churches said that they had too much going on to do that. I had other churches that approached me and asked what they could do to help. Some of the churches that said they did not have time in service or for us to set up in their lobby told us we could post on their Facebook walls. That would have been better than nothing. Of course, when we posted on their walls the posts were immediately taken down. Gee thanks............but no thanks!

In the next several weeks I am going to be starting  a 501(c)3, and my hope is that some of the churches in the area who are saying that they are helping the community will do just that. If they claim they want to make an impact on the community, we will have a great opportunity for them to help us do just that. I really hope that I do not feel as let down as I have by some of them. The other churches that have already offered help, we will be in touch and thank you so much for all that you do.

It seems like the smaller churches are more ready to help projects that do not promote their church. Some of the biggest churches acted like if it did not promote them, they were too busy. Don't get me wrong, we have had a couple of bigger churches that we are not members of offer us some great help. To those bigger churches that did not have the time, I hope that my first impressions of you are wrong. It is not about business or attendance, it is about making a difference in people's lives. I truly hope we can work together and help each other make an impact in the lives of our youth!!

Get Busy Living.....Better Life in Recovery

Of all the movies that have been made, there are a lot of quotes that I really like. My favorite quotable movies when I was a kid were Breakfast Club and as I got older Tombstone. That said, the one quote that really sticks out in my mind is from the movie Shawshank Redemption, and that quote is, "You either got to get busy living, or get busy dying." In my addiction, I was busy dying. Sure, I might not sleep for a week or more at a time, but I never really did anything. I put myself in situations where I hoped that someone would kill me, but they never did. I would have done it myself, but the time that my sister found me passed out in a pool of blood after a botched attempt I promised her that I would never do it again. 

I would keep that promise to her, but I tried to commit suicide by using drugs, alcohol, cars, police and other addicts. I had no real reason to live, and my life went no where. That is a pretty sad place to be, and I could not seem to find my way out of the depths of self-pity and self-loathing that I was stuck in. Then I had my conversion experience, and nothing has been the same since! That is why the quote from Shawshank Redemption really sticks out in my head!


Since I had my conversion, I have gotten busy living. I volunteer at least 10 hours a week. I share my strength, hope and experience with kids and adults when ever I get the chance. It could be one-on-one, it could be at a church, recovery meeting or college class with 500 people. The bottom line is that I share what I have, and I have a life worth living now. That is a wonderful feeling! The longer that I live sober, the more I owe back to the society that I once drained. That is why I am writing this blog today, to talk about what I am doing to improve society.


I am currently working on a documentary called "Better Life in Recovery." It has its own website found at www.betterlifeinrecovery.com  It also has its own Facebook page found at www.facebook.com/pages/Better-Life-In-Recovery/171246616294150 that you can like and follow how the documentary is coming and give both it and those involved with the project your support. 


We are trying something innovative with this documentary. With edgy editing techniques and modern music we will show the tragedy of multiple young adults who have entered into addiction and the tragedy that it has caused in their lives in a format that will keep their interest. We will then showcase how they stepped into recovery and how much better their lives have become since they escaped the clutches of their addictions. This documentary is intended to be taken into junior and high schools, colleges, seminars, trainings, forums, detention centers, churches, youth groups, recovery meetings, rehabilitation centers, film festivals, PTA meetings, etc. 


Any way that we can get the message of recovery to the community, we will do it. This in turn will transition into several more documentaries that will assist us in reaching even more people. The difference between most videos and documentaries and this one is that we will be bringing 1-3 people who were in the documentary to do Question and Answer sessions after the documentary is shown. This will be much more impacting on the viewers. It will not be someone 40 years older than them that has never had an addiction issues. Instead, it will be younger people that they can relate to who have actually lived with addiction, and beat it! 


We will be in the Pepsi Refresh project as of November 1st. That means that as of November 1st we will need as many people voting for our project every day as possible. We do not yet have our voting instructions. We  will be able to put those as well as a flyer that you can copy off on our site at www.betterlifeinrecovery.com/page3.php when we get it. This page contains instructions on ways that you can help us and the flyer that will be available to be printed off is on the bottom right hand of this page. I ask that you share this blog with all of your friends that you have on Facebook and by email and twitter, like the Facebook page and share it with everyone also. We need as many voters helping us as possible. 


Help us make this project a reality so that thousands of adolescents and young adults can stop being busy dying and instead get busy living!!!!!

Another Discussion with an Evolutionist pt. 2

ME: The humane genome consists of a code that is 3 billion letters long. If it were to be read one later per second it would take 93 years to read. That seems a little too complex to have evolved. You take DNA, with a phosphate-sugar backbone and complexly arranged organic bases, stacked orderly on top of each other and paired together at each rung of the twisted double helix....it makes my head explode when I hear of people believing this could happen without the guidance of a master's hand. 

Hawking says, "The odds against a universe like ours emerging out of something like the Big Bang are enormous. I think there are clearly religious implications. It would be very difficult to explain why the universe should have begun in just this way except as the act of a God who intended to create beings like us."

My bottom line is this. When I was Agnostic (which I was for 25 years of my life) I said that I had trouble with God because I could not empirically prove that He did or did not exist. I used that thought to look down on others and I lived a life of debauchery and alcoholism. It was great for me, I had no hope and lived a very self-centered life. There are those who would say that I was a good friend and a good person, but I knew better then just like I know better now.

 I eventually realized that although I personally could not prove there was a God, as a supposed empiricist I could also not personally prove that evolution happened, that life sprang from nonliving matter. I could not personally do that. I prayed and I gave God a chance to prove himself to me personally.

There are many out there who would tell me that my experience with the Holy Spirit was only imagined. There are atheists and agnostics that would tell me I have lost my mind. There would be psychiatrists and psychologists who in the past would have told them that they were right, I was clinically crazy.....in the past. To them I have a reply. If you have ever been in the depths of addiction, you would not say that. I have been in the depths of my addiction. Everyone has a different rock bottom, here is mine:

1. I have shot up ice water, because the batch of meth was not ready or I was waiting on the person to get back from filling their morphine prescription.
2. I have woken up at 4 AM in a urine soaked mattress to get up and drink a couple of shots to put me back to sleep and stop the shakes.
3. I started smoking cigarettes in 6th grade and had never been able to quit.
4. I had been to county jail often enough that I would stay in for several weeks to catch up on sleep when I had the cash in my wallet to bond out.
5. I had slept with enough women that I was in the mid-triple digits. I would go to parties and sleep with 2 or 3 girls when I was a drug dealer.
6. I was drunk 30 minutes after I got out of prison, and spun out on methamphetamine that night.
7. I dealt drugs and was involved with the manufacturing of methamphetamine for over a decade.
8. I had been to rehab, but the longest stretch of sobriety I had since I was in the 7th grade was 3 months.
9. I had been diagnosed with Bi-Polar, borderline personality, antisocial personality, masochistic, generalized anxiety and major depressive disorders.
10. I used the "F" word and cussed every other word even when I was happy and in normal conversation.
11. I have been found passed out in my own blood after slashing my wrists and rushed to the ER.
12. I have totalled 5 cars drinking and driving yet continued to drink and drive every night.
13. I have overdosed on several occasions and yet used within 24 hours every time.

I had tried counselors, psychiatrists, drug rehabs, interventions and Narcotics/Alcoholics Anonymous, with no success. I had worked the 12 steps, but it was never quite enough. I had used my intellect in attempting to overcome my addiction and failed repeatedly. I have killed a lot of brain cells through my addiction, but I have had 2 psychiatrists and a psychologist score my IQ between 129-135 at different times in my life. I am by no means ignorant. I came to Him in prayer, and He gave me a second chance. That was all that I needed to do, truly turn my will and my life over to God. I had tried using a random higher power, such as the community in 12 step groups, and it was not effective. God was!

Since the night I prayed to God and asked Him to take all of this from me, I have had a complete life change. I have not used drugs or drank, I have not smoked a cigarette, I have not had premarital sex, I have not been to jail and I am on no medication for any mental illnesses. I have not cussed since I do not know when. If all of that is not proof of God, than I ask you what is?

Now I tithe 10% to my church (which supports the digging of wells for water in Africa, Convoy of Hope, and giving school supplies to children who do not have them locally) and give more money on top of that to other charities. I volunteer between 5-10 hours a week to work with helping others through various charities and resources. I now give back to others, and I am teaching my son to think of more than just himself. When I volunteered to do psychological first aid and trauma counseling in Joplin, I was Convoy of Hope and multiple churches there helping those in need. It reaffirmed my belief in Christians and the good that we do.

I have no idea what you do to improve the world around you, and I hope that it is a lot because you seem to be very bright and should therefore be able to think globally and altruistically. I hope that you give 10 % of your income to others because it is the right thing to do. In fact, I hope that you give 15%. I hope that you volunteer several hundred hours a year to help those less fortunate than you. I know that what I do for a living changes lives, gives children back their parents and parents back their children. What I do in my spare time (while raising a family of my own and caring for their needs while working a full time job) feeds the hungry and helps people heal from their addictions and past hurts. I know that my son benefits as much as my wife. I love my wife and treat her with respect and I teach my son to help those less fortunate, to give of himself and not be judgmental of others.

If that is done out of ignorance, than I would rather be ignorant, filled with hope and able to give others hope while making the world a better place than trying to educate people with other people's research while having done none of my own. I know that God exists, I see Him in the beauty around me, in my changed life and in the lives of those around me. I see evil too, as well as those who would try to usurp other's work and claim wisdom from it. You can use intelligence to read other's research, I use wisdom to live my life. My life screams that God exists based on my experiences.

The scientific method is done by asking a question, gathering information, forming a hypothesis, then performing an experiment that tests your hypothesis. From that test you then interpret the data and draw conclusions that help you to form a new hypothesis. You then publish that research. I could not tell you how many people I have seen that have been to 10, 15 rehabs for addiction using psychiatrists and the most advanced techniques available return to addiction over and over again. I should know, I was one of them. I tried the established methods as an agnostic and my results were the same. I and so many others that I have worked with quit for good after they found Christ! That is the evidence that I base my theory on, and it has been tested with several hundred participants and each one only makes my faith stronger.

I am in the middle of writing the book that will allow me to share with others the final hypothesis I have come to after 10 years of research. It is based on the observations I have had while testing my theory with hundreds of test subjects. I started out biased against God and came to believe in Him through my studies and experimentation. I would love to read your article when it gets published. I am certain that it will give validation to your theory, based on your data interpretation after you tested your theory with an unbiased mind. You definitely write well enough to hold my interest. Let me know when it comes out and I will read it.

Joplin - My FIrst Day Experience

I can tell you that I have helped a lot of people through traumatic things in their lives. I mean a lot of them. I have sometimes also experienced them personally but I have always experienced them vicariously through other people. I will also tell you that I had seen the television reports, and had seen the interviews with Joplin residents that had experienced loss. I also had been forewarned by other counselors who had been to Joplin the two previous days, and was debriefed on what to expect from the people who had survived the tornado during the drive to Joplin from Springfield.

I can tell you that all of those things mentioned above had occurred. I felt that I was ready to go and do what I could to support the psychological and emotional needs that the people of Joplin had. I know how to compartmentalize, and deal with the grief and loss that they are experiencing. I have done that before. I am used to dealing with traumatic events. Some of them were horrific, mothers losing sons and wives losing husbands. I had dealt with those types of situations before. I knew I was ready.

I would have been telling you the truth.

I will tell you that I have seen a lot of traumatic things in my life. I mean a lot of them. I have either experienced them personally or vicariously through other people. I will also tell you that I had seen the television reports, and seen videos and pictures of the tornado affected areas of Joplin. I also had been forewarned by other counselors who had been to Joplin the two previous days, and was debriefed on what I could expect to see during the drive to Joplin from Springfield.

I can tell you that all of those things mentioned above had occurred. I felt that I was ready to go and see the wake of the EF 5 tornado that hit the city of Joplin, cutting a 6 mile swath through her heart. I know how to compartmentalize, and deal with seeing traumatic events. I have done that before. I am used to dealing with seeing traumatic events. Some of them were horrific, multiple vehicle accidents, shootings, even a tornado that had destroyed homes and taken lives. I had dealt with those types of situations before. I knew I was ready.

I would have been lying to you.

I had definitely lied to myself. Looking back, I do not feel that anyone can be prepared to see some of the things that I saw. The sheer magnitude of the damage is unreal. It is on a scale that seems impossible to me. I saw things that I do not care if I ever see again. I saw things that looked physically and scientifically impossible, and probably were due to the laws of physics and gravity.

I saw a Burger King that was reduced to rubble, yet I could tell it was a Burger King based on the kids play area that was still intact. Brick building decimated but plastic slides and tubes not the least disheveled. I saw a two story house in which the bottom floor was semi-intact. On the second floor 3 of the 4 walls were gone. They simply were no longer, but on the one wall that was left standing a flat screen television was still mounted on it.

Now I know what they mean when they ask, "Why does it take this one and not the one next to it?" I saw buildings with everything including windows intact, and the building next to it not be recognizable. The winds in an EF 5 tornado are unreal. I had heard that x-rays and medical records had been discovered as far as 70 miles away. On our way into town we passed people on 4 wheelers and horseback that were about 10 miles outside of Joplin. They were looking for the bodies of those missing......10 miles from the affected area.

The magnitude of this tornado did not dawn on me until I drove down the areas that were directly hit by the massive tornado. The drama that has enfolded for the lives of those who live in Joplin became real when I saw people with tents pitched picking through the remains of what was once their houses, just hoping to find one Christmas ornament that their children had made them, or a photo of their husband who blew away in the tornado and is still missing. I saw truly broken people that had lost everything: family members, their job, their home, their friends, their vehicles and their wallets. They literally had nothing and no way to get anything.There were people with plastic boxes and garbage bags sifting through the remains of their house, at times somewhat standing and at other times a three foot high pile of wood and bricks..

Do not get me wrong, I also saw people turn out in droves to help. I saw the United Way, Convoy of Hope, more church vans than I could count, the Red Cross, etc. Restaurants were giving out free food and people were handing out free water. The drivers license bureau was waving the fee for replacement licenses. People came out to volunteer in such numbers that they had to turn them away. I saw hope and compassion. I saw people who knew that they mattered because people were there to help them, and they were going to make it through it. I saw people that were resilient, who could still smile and laugh and see the positives to come out of the ashes and mayhem.

But I also saw us, and that brought reality home to me. I looked in the rearview mirror as we drove through the carnage, and I saw 2 sets of eyes struggling to hold back the tears. That is when I let my tears, the ones that I had not realized I was holding back, fall. I knew that my heart was broken and that my life was forever changed by what I had experienced over the course of my first day of many, counseling and supporting people in Joplin.

There was one emotion that was nagging me as I drove through Joplin. I could not quite put my finger on what I was feeling. As I was driving back to Springfield I realized what that emotion was. It was Empathy. What I realized was that I felt hopeless and desolate even though I knew I got to go home. How must they feel? They don't get to leave, they are home.