One Day (A Poem)

One day I saw a falling star
Remembered that I had a wish
To be with you til my dying day
While I'm away to be missed

For you to think of me while I'm gone
Missing me more every minute
Thinking how lonely life is
Without me there to be in it

Than I remembered dreams are for kids
I've never had one that came true
I shook my head wiped away a tear
Tried to sleep but thought only of you

This was my mindset when I was younger. I lamented the past and dreamed of what might have been. This poem was written about the girl I left behind. Her name was Britt. I lived in Illinois and realized that I was not good for her. She is a major reason I moved my senior year to Missouri. I was afraid that I would corrupt her. Moving broke my heart, so I wrote this poem.

I did not realize then that many years later she would have a beautiful family and so would I. Neither of us would have the families we have if things had not played out the way they did 25 years ago. I learned a lot from that. Today I live with no regrets from my past, no thoughts of what might have been because life has taught me a lesson that I would love to pass on to you.

Things don't always work out the way we want them to, but they always work out the way the are supposed to. Every time I look at my wife, my son and my daughter I thank God for that!

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

I was in a group the other day and that question was asked, “What did you want to be when you were a kid and what is stopping you from doing it now?” What we were talking about was the way our various traumas and addictions had impacted us in the past, but at the same time acknowledging that we could still do anything we set our minds to.

I was not the first person to go, and I listened to various answers. One had wanted to be a fire fighter. There was the kid who wanted to be a bull rider, until he had gotten thrown a couple of times and he decided it was not for him. The opiate addict that had wanted to be a doctor, but both his drug of choice and the felony he had for fraudulent attempt to obtain a narcotic held him back.

Then it came to me. I said that I wanted to be happy and normal. When I was asked what that meant, I explained a little of my past. I was molested starting at 4 for a couple of years by a baby sitter. My parents were constantly screaming at each other from the earliest I can remember until they split up my first week of 5^th grade. From there I went to live with my grandparents, and my grandfather was an abusive man who would beat me and keep me home for the week “to help out on the farm” so the bruising and cuts could heal up. I thought it was because he had found out how “disgusting” I was.

So, all I wanted was to be happy, safe and normal. I had obviously not been safe due to the physical, sexual and psychological abuse I underwent. I was not happy. Who could be happy with all the aforementioned going on? I had lost my faith, as I could not imagine a God of love allowing me to suffer as I did and I became an Agnostic. Finally, and the part that probably hurt the worse, was knowing I was not like everyone else. I was abnormal at best and felt like a freak on my worst days.

I would hear other kids talk about their moms and dads and what they had done together. My parents were not together. In fact, I was being raised by grandparents. Because I had been molested I felt disgusting, as I had once heard my mother talk about grown ups touching children and she had said they were disgusting and sick. I thought that she meant me. Finally, I knew that the other kids were not getting beat like I was because they were always at school.

The kids I went to school with almost always had smiles on their faces. Somehow I knew that there smiles were real. Mine was not. I was dead on the inside but I build walls to keep the pain inside and not let it show to everyone else. I was crying on the inside, and it came out in the form of anger and violence as early as the 5^th grade.

In the 5^th grade I was already seeing both a school counselor and a counselor outside of school for my behavioral issues. I never once spoke to them about the abuses, because I did not want them to judge me for them the way I felt everyone else did and I feared my grandpa and what he would do to my sister if I told.

Instead, I kept it all inside. That is where the outbursts came from. It is kind of like a pressure cooker, if that steam is not released somehow you create a bomb that will explode when you least expect it. Not only that, but I felt I could never let people know who I really was. I looked normal but did not feel normal. I felt like an unloved outcast, because that is how I was treated.

It is difficult to function well when the people that are supposed to love and protect you are the ones that do you the most harm. Instead, you learn not to trust, not to love and how to mask your feelings. You learn to adapt and become a chameleon so that you appear to fit in. The truth is, doing that causes you to lose your identity over time and you forget who you are.

Then we ended the group talking about where we were today. Today, I am very grateful. I have accomplished my goals. I am happy and safe, though far from normal and that is okay. I have found that I was built from the ground up by God to do what I do today. Today, I get to share my strength, experience and wisdom with people by sharing the hope found in both grace and recovery.

Between Us the Cup is Full

I tend to be a pretty positive guy. There are some times that I become a little negative, mostly due to my job. Not that I don’t enjoy my job, because I love what I do. I get paid to deal hope to people. I like to say that I went from dealing dope to dealing hope and it is a fulfilling way to live my life.

What gets me down is when a current client, former client or one of my clients friends/family members dies from a drug overdose, gets murdered, commits suicide or commits a serious crime and goes to prison.  I take those things to heart sometimes, even though I know I should not. There are other times when I will briefly get down over not seeing my son all of the time or with not reaching the current goals that I have set for myself.

It is rare, but it happens. Even rarer are the times that my wife is down, feeling a little pessimistic. We both tend to be optimistic, but occasionally one of us has a bad day. I have them more than my wife, to be quite honest. I can only speak about myself on part one of this, because I do not feel that I can read her mind and know what she does for sure to help her through those times. Wait a minute, yes I can.

She does the same thing I do. She prays. Then I remind myself that even though it may not always go the way I want it to go, it will always go the way it is supposed to go. I imagine my wife realizes that there is a bigger plan, that we are a mere paint stroke on God’s great masterpiece. We also talk to each other. That is of the upmost importance. Communication is one of the keys to happiness.

The other day was one of the rare days for my wife. She was having a poor afternoon and I cheered her up. She looked at me and said that it did not matter whether our cups were half full or half empty, together we had a full cup. I have been smiling ever since. I love that woman! I am pretty sure I am going to keep her J

Tithing Part 1

This is the second blog that I have written about my experience with tithing. The first one that I wrote was entitled Tithing Part 2. It is entitled that because on the time line of my life, it happened after my first experience with being faithful in tithing. I know that may sound confusing, but it is really not. You can read about it here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/tithing-part-2.html

When I first got saved, I decided that I needed to tithe. Before I got saved, I was attending church sporadically and would drop $5 or $10 in the basket as it went around. After I got saved I realized that was not enough. I was led to give more. I realized that 10% was an Old Testament concept, and that the New Testament did not state an actual percentage. So, what was I to give and how should I decide that?

2 Corinthians 9:7 says,  “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”  and Philippians 4:6 directs us also when it says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."


Using those scriptures for guidance, I decided to pray and then tithe what I was led to by my heart. I prayed, and 10% was laid on my heart to give to my church. I have tithed 10% since ever since then, without fail. I like that 2 Corinthians 9:7 says what it does about not giving because we feel compelled to. I don't have to give 10%, I get to give 10%. Tithing is not an obligation, but a privilege. I love the fact that I can contribute to my church and to the ministries that my church funds. I have been blessed, so I share that blessing.

We should never see tithing as a chore, or put saving before tithing. We need to be aware of the importance that we place upon money. Why should we not share our wealth? Luke 12:15 warns us against getting caught up in greed and coveting our money when it says , "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.” We are to worship God, not material things. Give, and more will be given to us. Maybe not in this life, but for all eternity in the next one!


Furthermore, 10% is not all that I give. Your monetary tithe to your church is not all that you should give, either! If there are ministries that I want to give to or capital campaigns (like the Pay it Forward campaign that we had at New Life Church), I give over and above the 10%. I do not feel that we are commanded to give 10%, but that is the amount that was laid on my heart to give financially. Also, money is not all that we should be giving away freely!

Galatians 6:2 says, "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." and 1 John 3:17-18 says, "If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."


This scripture backs up how I feel. Giving of our time is equally if not more important than tithing. I tell my clients that one of the most important things that I have learned in recovery is that community service is not something that is assigned by a judge or a probation officer. It is the act of us giving of ourselves out of a DESIRE to help others, not out of guilt. I think that it is really easy to write a check. It is difficult to give of your free time to help those less fortunate and smile the whole time you are doing it. 


Back to my story. So it was laid on my heart to tithe 10%. I then looked at my finances, and saw that if I tithed as I was being led to, I would only have $50 a week for food and entertainment. I do not mean food like going out to eat food, I mean food like groceries in the fridge and the pantry I would starve without having food. I decided that I could live on that $50 a week, even though at the time I was spending $120 a week on food and entertainment. I would just have to tighten my belt, as they say. No more movies or dining out for me.


That Sunday, I went into church with the amount I was to tithe. I filled out an envelope and dropped it into the basket. I was finally giving to support the church as I felt that I was supposed to. I knew that it would make my life a little difficult, but nowhere does it say that Christ called us to be comfortable. Christ even looks at how giving out of abundance is not nearly as important as giving to the point of being uncomfortable in Luke 12:41-44:
"Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.  Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything-all she had to live on." 
 So I tithed on Sunday. Monday I went into work and as soon as I got to staffing, my boss told me to talk to her after staffing was over in her office. I went to her office and met with her after staffing and got great news. She told me that because I was going to be graduating soon, she was going to give me some more things to do at work. The new responsibilities translated into a different job title and a higher salary. Needless to say, the increase in my pay was over and above what I was tithing. 


Even with tithing 10% on the increase in my pay, I was still taking home more than I was before I began tithing. I was overjoyed, but not  at all surprised. By this time, God had already shown me how powerful He could be. This was just one more way that God has blessed my life, and it is another way that I have to brag on Him. He can do all things, and is happy to do so. 


His grace never ceases to amaze me. There are times now that I am married with a child when the bills are tight and we have trouble making ends meet. We live paycheck to paycheck and are probably two paychecks from being homeless.........but so is almost everybody else. If we are hurting, our tithe is never even mentioned as a something to fore go so as to pay our bills. We look at cutting corners with food, or accepting that we cannot eat out or go see a movie for the rest of the month(or several months). But what if my needs and the needs of my family are not being taken care of?

We must always insure that our family is provided for. Maybe you have been laid off or are having some other form of financial difficulty and cannot afford to put food in the pantry or pay your rent. You are not required to keep giving. For those people, I would give them 1 Timothy 5:12, "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." If you cannot afford to buy food for your family or pay the rent, you should not be giving to the church. In this case, the church should be helping you!


That said, God should always come first and foremost in our lives. If we remain faithful to Him, He will continue to bless us. Do not be confused or let prosperity preacher's mislead you. We are not blessed by what we give, we are blessed by grace which cannot be earned or bought. Tithing does not equal salvation! You can tithe and still not be saved. 1 Corinthians 13:3 states, "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."  

In summary, tithing does not have to be 10%. Tithing needs to be the amount that God places on your heart after you pray for direction and guidance. You should seek God's counsel before making any decisions, financial or otherwise, then follow it. If you cannot give what God lays on your heart to give, then you need to reexamine your lifestyle and your spending habits and revisit the difference between wants and needs. In case of emergency, there may be times that some people need help financially from the church instead of helping the church. Perfectly acceptable, life happens! In these times, I would recommend that as a good time to focus on volunteering your time to help others (not that you shouldn't always give of your time). Lastly, do not only give financially, but also give freely of your time. Do all of this not out of obligation but out of love! Thanks for reading!!