The Sky is the Limit - My Story as related to Heroes in Recovery

My story was recently put on the Heroes in Recovery website. I would ask that you visit their website (www.heroesinrecovery.com) and check out everything that they are doing to break stigma and share the hope that there is a Better Life in Recovery. Here is the link to my story on their website: http://heroesinrecovery.com/stories/9206/

Here is what they printed:

Hi, my name is David and I am a person in long-term recovery. What that means for me is that I have not used drugs or alcohol since January 31, 2009 and because of that I have been able to accomplish things I never would have dreamed possible. I am a husband, father, sponsor, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, hope dealer and director of the nonprofit Better Life in Recovery (BLiR).

I was abused physically and sexually as a child. I used alcohol and other drugs to escape my past and deal with anger, depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder I was diagnosed with. I was introduced to methamphetamine my senior year, and partying ended up being more important than school so I dropped out of school.

After over 20 years of substance use, attempting suicide, dying more times than I can count on one hand and being to jail more times than I can count on my fingers and toes I thought nothing would ever change. Boy was I wrong.

I asked God for something different, and He answered that prayer. I have not used since I decided to focus on recovery instead of substance abuse. My focus shifted. I paid attention to my successes instead of my failures. I applied the five pillars of recovery: Higher Power, meetings, sponsor, accountability partners and the 12 steps. Then I added the missing piece, service to my community, and it has made all the difference.

Don’t get me wrong, my life has had ups and downs. At times, life kicks me in the butt and my world shakes. The difference is how I cope with that today. I work through my problems and conquer them instead of letting them beat me. Doing this has made me stronger and wiser! I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope!

Currently, I am a counselor for the Greene County, MO treatment courts through Preferred Family Healthcare. I went from high school drop out to having four college degrees. I married an amazing woman and we have an amazing family. I sit on multiple boards and planning committees that are focused on making the world a better place.

My passion is BLiR. Our mission is transforming lives with recovery. We deal hope and reduce stigma people who struggle with substance use and mental health issues face through community service, education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. In 2012 we did one event, in 2013 we did three events, in 2014 we did eight and we are aiming for over 50 events in 2015 with weekly fellowship events.

Today, I know the sky is the limit for people in long-term recovery. My goal is to educate people on the wonders of long-term recovery, give people who are still struggling hope they can achieve long-term recovery and people in recovery the courage to come forward and be proud of who they have become while rejoining and making their communities better!

Out of the Ashes

Today, I woke up and played with my daughter. I chased her around the house, listening to her peals of laughter ringing out as she shrieked with joy. As I walked out of the house I heard the body of 10 year old Hailey Owens had been found and there was a man being charged with first degree murder.  I was instantly overwhelmed with anger and rage. I felt the person I used to be rising up inside of me. I was lost, hurt, enraged and confused all at once.

I was lost because I cannot comprehend how someone could take the life of an innocent 10 year old. The evilness of this act is beyond my scope of understanding. What could possess a 45 year old to take the life of a child? It is an unfathomable act, and one that I can honestly say I am glad I cannot understand for if I could what would that say about me? I cannot fathom the act.

I was hurt because I knew there were parents who loved Hailey that will never get to hear her laughter again. My heart aches because I can not even begin to imagine the depths of the parent’s sorrow. I am emotionally broken because I know the impact a loss like this can have on Hailey’s friends and family and would never wish that upon anyone. No one should have to lose a loved one who is so young in such a malicious way.

I was enraged because I am a father, and as a father I know that there is no justice that will suffice. Nothing that happens to Hailey’s murderer will bring her back. Even the justice that is done will be long and drawn out. Someone will represent this man and try to defend what he did. The parent’s will have to hear testimony and see pictures that no parent should ever have to endure.

I am confused because I believe in a God who loves us all and wants what is best for us. Because of that such a heinous act being allowable bewilders me. At first I could not for the life of me make any sense of how God could allow such a tragedy to play out. Then I remembered a few things. For starters, we have freewill. Do we have a God that loves us all? He loved us enough to give us freedom to make our own choices. Freewill is both our greatest gift and greatest curse. Do we have a God that loves us so much He gave us the ability to control our actions? Yes, he did but not all of us chose to use that control.

Today and everyday we have the power to make choices. We can follow the Golden Rule laid forth by Jesus in the New Testament, or we can act on our own selfish interests. We can listen to what the Holy Spirit whispers in our ear, or we can listen to Satan. The choice is ultimately ours to make. I used to listen to the voice that encouraged me to do wrong. Today, I choose to try to live my life by loving my neighbor. That said, the old me resurfaced today after a long hiatus. I did not feel very friendly and loving. I wanted to come out of retirement.

I stopped because I realized that would solve nothing. It would not be good for me, my family or the family who has lost their daughter. I have done psychological first aid after disasters and I am trained in grief and loss counseling. You give support. You let people know that it is okay to feel how they feel. Their feelings are valid and understandable. You make sure that their basic needs are being met and allow them to grieve. You do not get caught up in the emotions of the event because of the negative impact that can have on those who are mourning and grieving.  

I did give into those emotions for a minute. I allowed myself the luxury of grieving for Hailey, her family and her friends. I cried for a little girl I had never met while I sat in my car. Then I prayed for Hailey’s family and friends to find comfort and strength. Next I went to work and helped other people deal with their own stress, depression and tragedy while my head still swam with unanswered questions.

Will our questions about why this was done ever be answered satisfactorily? I hope not, because there is no excuse or reason that can explain what happened. Will justice be done? No, unless the act itself can be undone. There is no amount of pain this murderer experiences that can quench the pain her parents are experiencing. I have my trust in a much Higher Power that has seen me through so much. I have seen a lot of positives come out of tragedies, but it is far too early for that now.

Instead, I ask that we keep hate and anger to a minimum. It may make you feel better but it does nothing to change what happened or help anyone. It increases the negative impact of an already terrible event. We need to come together and support those who are hurting today in our community. Shower them with prayers, positive thoughts, love and compassion. Today you need to hug and squeeze on your loved ones today. Cherish the people you have in your life today, and action can come tomorrow.

Next we need to identify how to make the system more efficient so time between 911 calls and Amber alerts becomes minimal. Search for ways our community can learn from this tragedy so it is safer for our children and the chance of this happening in the future is reduced. Together we can make our community stronger and safer for those who are most vulnerable and honor the memory of Hailey Owens.

My Life as a Bad Guy Part 3: Meth in Missouri

I decided that I was headed towards jail or expulsion so I moved to Missouri from Illinois. Once there, I tried methamphetamine. I liked it, a lot. Soon school was no longer important to me. It got in the way of my partying and I dropped out  the last semester of my senior year. I headed towards rock bottom. I went to jail multiple times. My probation officer sent me to Scared Straight at the prison in Jefferson City. I spent 120 days on house arrest and several years on probation, stacking up violations.

I had some things happen that should have changed me. I had a couple friends die in drinking and driving accidents. I was the first one on the scene and found one of my friends dead. I saw a friend get beat to death and another beat into a coma. I had alcohol poisoning and stopped breathing. They pumped my stomach and I was drinking again the next night. I saw someone I knew get shot during a drug deal.

I went on the run for a while. I was gone for almost a year. It is exhausting, being on the run. You always look over your shoulder in the party world, and it is three times as bad when you have warrants out for your arrest and all of the city and county police know what you look like. Finally, I needed some rest. I showed up at the probation office, and when my probation officer walked out I told him I was ready to go to prison. He said okay. I turned 21 in Booneville Correctional Center. I was drunk an hour after I was released and used intravenously later that night for the very first time.

I had found methamphetamine and learned that it could help with my pain. I was able to numb myself for periods of time with meth. When I started using intravenously, that was the end of me as a person. It gave me a feeling I had never experienced before. I became dead inside and only felt alive when I was high. After years of being an Agnostic, I had found my Higher Power. Meth became my God. Then it turned into Satan.

I hoped for death. I had alcohol poisoning and lived. Drunk, I flew a car 97 feet down a hill, clipping trees 32 feet in the air and lived. I attempted suicide and my sister found me unconscious in a pool of blood. The ambulance got there in time to save me. I lived. Are you noticing a pattern? That was the 5th time I had flatlined, and I kept coming back. I promised my sister I would never try to kill myself again after the attempted suicide. The truth is, I wanted to die. I no longer wanted to live and I was tired of feeling.

Meth gave me all I thought I needed. I had money, power, friends, women, excitement and so much more. I was the life of the party. But I was still dead inside. I could be at a party with 100 people and feel completely alone. I did not feel alive unless I was high. Meth was all I cared about. I would sit at home in a funk if I wasn't high, so I discovered a new lifestyle. I would stay up from Sunday when I woke up until Sunday morning when I would go to bed. I joked that if God got a Sabbath day, so should I.

I would wake up to a shot of dope on Sunday evening, then stay high through the week until early Sunday morning when I would take a handful of benzodiazepines to help me sleep. I found that I never hurt if I stayed high. No one ever got close enough to me to really hurt me as long as I was high. It got to the point that if I was awake, I was high.

I became heartless and used everyone I came in contact with. I knew if I didn't use them they would use me. Why not be first. Everyone in my life was there to serve me. I let people be my friend because they would allow me to be around a better class of people, they had money, they had dope, they cooked dope, they had friends who bought my dope, they were pretty and would sleep with me or I was trying to sleep with them, they would get high with me, they had things to loan me that I needed, they had a car I could use when I thought mine was hot or they had a house for me to party at so I didn't have to use mine.

Everyone and everything had a purpose. Some times I did nice things, but I even had ulterior motives for that. I remember one of my friends having a baby and being broke. I helped his family pay the bills for several months so that they could not work and  bond. I helped pay rent, utilities and even bought them food. I then would frequently bring up doing that any time people would talk trash about  me being a dope dealer. "Well, look at the good things I do with my money."

I would give people $100's just to remind them about it when I  needed to borrow their car or have a party at their house. I would justify my selling meth with this logic, "I use Super B to cut it. Other people use stuff that is really bad to cut theirs. My people get vitamins so I am doing them a favor by dealing." Life was a hustle, and I was good at being a hustler.

Somewhere along the way I became more suicidal. Some might call it an addiction to the rush of adrenaline. I would show up to a meth cooks house not knowing them to buy methamphetamine. I would hang out with the most sketched out people I knew. I would buy  meth at the  hottest houses I knew just to see if when I got pulled over they would find the dope. I was insane and no longer cared. I always had my sister to fall back on, and for the most part I could always argue that I was only hurting myself.

That is another thing I always did in my addiction. I downplayed the impact of everything that I did. I would justify my dealing with the law of supply and demand and my dope was better for them. I would never look at the money that I took from people. Maybe when they came down they beat their wife or kids. Not my problem. Maybe they gave me their families grocery money.  Not my fault. I would have tons of food stamps, at 30 cents on the dollar if I didn't like you and 50 cents if I did. Maybe they were robbing people for money to buy it. If it wasn't me getting robbed, I was fine with it. Maybe they would get high and rape people. As long as it wasn't my sister getting hurt, who cares? I know that I didn't!

The truth is that I saw and did things that give me nightmares 15 years later. I was insane, doing insane things and I associated with insane people. I have held people at gun point and made them strip because I thought they were wearing a wire. I have beat someone unconscious, waited for him to regain consciousness so that I could beat them some more. That was over $25, to set an example. I have done and seen much worse, sometimes for money, sometimes because they crossed lines and sometimes just because I was bored and angry.

I have ravaged people emotionally and psychologically, leaving them a shell of their former selves. I have built a shot for someone that they overdosed on. Quite a few people have overdosed on my drugs, I am quite sure. I have given many people their first shot of dope, because I knew that if I did that I would have control over them for life. I was evil, and I was okay with that. It was what I was good at, so I did it.

On the flip side of that, I have been robbed several times. I have been held at gun point. I have often been in situations I didn't know if I would live through. I have been beaten unconscious. I have been jumped by multiple people on several occasions. I have overdosed and been left for dead where I was. I have holes in me I was not born with put there by other people. I have been face down on the floor during a raid with a gun to the back of my head. I am certain that I deserved all of that and a whole lot more.

I was a bad guy. I look back on my life and I don't know how I am still alive. Scratch that, after dying more times than I can count on one hand and overamping multiple times, I am alive because there was some good EMTs and paramedics. I would tell you because of luck, as there were probably a dozen times I played Russian Roulette with a 38 revolver and a lone bullet. At the time I thought that nothing could kill me, and nothing or no one would ever get me to stop using drugs. I would have told you that only the good die young, and I was anything but good so I would probably live forever.

What Is Recovery?

What is recovery?

That is a question that is open to interpretation and circumstance. Medically it mean being on the mend from surgery or an accident. A computer repairman would say it is getting back lost files on a computer. In this case, we are looking at addictive lifestyles. What is recovery from an addictive lifestyle look like?

To answer this, I decided to ask people who had lived addictive lifestyles to tell me what they considered to be part of their addictions. Here is the list they came up with: the use of drugs/alcohol/food/cutting to numb and escape past and present issues, Theft/stealing/shoplifting, Anger/Violence, Dishonesty, Casual Sex, Pornography, the inability to speak without using vulgarity, Greed/Love of Money, Egotism, Being inconsiderate to others due to focusing only on self/Selfishness, Lack of accountability, Only having Friends and hangouts that encouraged addictions, Focusing on the negative and Lack of Hope.

Today we will define recovery as the opposite of addiction. So in order to be in recovery, we need to get rid of the things in our lives that enabled and encouraged our addiction. Here is how we do those things:

1.       Face our current problems and work through our past issues either through counseling, step work and/or processing it out so we no longer have them as a reason to use.

2.       Stop taking things that are not yours. First we need to get and keep employment, then we can create a budget that we follow and save for the things we need.

3.       Realize that anger solves nothing and violence will only end up with us right back into trouble. An old saying says, “Never get into an argument with an idiot. It makes it hard for people to tell the difference between you.” That means that when we resort to anger we make ourselves look bad to those around us. Finally, violence only leads to more violence and violence never works out well. Ghandi said it best, “An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.”

4.       I lied so much that I began to believe my own lies. Lying was second nature in my addiction. In recovery, we have to be honest or we will never escape our addiction. Honesty allows me to hold myself accountable. We will look at the importance of that in #10 below.

5.       Research shows that promiscuity is an indicator of relapse. We really need to stay out of relationships for a while. We tend to focus on the other person when we get into new relationships, and we need to be focusing on ourselves. We also tend to find people who treat us as we feel about ourselves. Until we like ourselves we have no business in a relationship. Finally, a lot of the time we find our self-esteem based on our conquests. We need to find positive accomplishments to build our self-esteem and self-confidence.

6.       Pornography can lead to dehumanization, victimization and intense emotional reactions that can lead us to places we should not go.

7.       If using vulgarity was a major part of our addictive and criminal lifestyle, losing the negative language will help us separate further from our past lifestyles. It also makes us look like we have a larger vocabulary when we don’t have to resort to cuss words.

8.       Greed and money are a huge motivator for many a criminal. We need to remind ourselves of the difference between needs and wants and realize that we do not have to have wants in order to be happy. The happiest people are not those who have the most, but those who make the most of what they have.

9.       Egotism and selfishness go together. The world in not just about us, for we are merely 1 out of over 7 billion people. If the beginning of our step-work/sobriety is very selfish in nature, that is just to set us up for the 12^th step/rest of our lives. After all, recovery is very altruistic.

10.   In our addiction very little was our fault. We could justify everything we did by shifting blame. In our recovery we realize that the only way we can make changes is by realizing that we are responsible for our feelings, thoughts and actions. If it is someone else’s fault I can do nothing about that. I can only change that which I control. If I am not accountable for my actions they will never change!

11.   Change your playmates and play grounds. This is so important. If I live in the mud it is hard to stay clean. AA says “if you hang around the barbershop long enough you are going to get a hair cut” while my Big Book (the Bible) says, “You cannot put new wine in an old wine skin.” Our using and criminal friends may not mean us harm, but they make it difficult if not impossible to change.

12.   We need to shift focus, looking at the positives today can bring instead of the negatives in our past. One of my clients the other day said, “I like my new friends. They always talk about the present and the future. All of my old friends used to only talk about the past.” You cannot change yesterday, but you can sure change today. Focus on the present and you will build a successful future.

13.   I was stuck in my addiction because I had no hope for anything better. I began to find hope in speaker meetings and testimonies, hearing other people who had similar struggles share how they had found sobriety. That hope was increased 10 fold when I got saved and realized that this life is nothing but a short introduction to a book of happiness that will stretch forever.

So in closing, recovery is reversing all of the things that enabled and/or encouraged our past lifestyle. If we are to make positive changes in our lives that are permanent, we need to make holistic changes in our lives. There are 5 Pillars to doing this:

1.       Higher Power (God) – If our best thinking got us in trouble and we have not been able to change on our own; we need to find something greater than us that gives us hope, compassion, acceptance and love.

2.       Sponsor (Mentor) – Find someone whose life you want in 5 years, ask them how they got it and then work with them using a plan (see #3 below) to obtain it

3.       12 Steps (The Bible I recommend James) -  Find a plan that will get you where you want to be and put it into motion in your life

4.       Meetings (Small Groups) – Find a sense of community where people with similar goals that genuinely care about you(see #5 below) discuss how they are improving their lives and apply what you learn while sharing with them

5.       Accountability Partners – Find people that you are in contact with often who are living their lives well that can encourage and help you live your life well

I'm Hacked Off

I was hacked off this week. Once again a friend relapsed, and it made me angry at first. I tried to figure out how anyone who has clean time could possibly relapse. Once you have several years and are seeing that life can be amazing without drugs/alcohol, what could possibly possess you to use again?

Then I remember the cunning, baffling and strong aspects of addiction and I calm down a little. While I calm down, I remember my relapses in the past. There were relapses with old friends I thought had quit using, new prescriptions after accidents and oral surgery, new friends I thought didn't use that did, hanging out in bars and having friends that used and feeling that I would be strong enough to always say no. I learned otherwise. But I always got back up!

Now, in the wake of my friends relapse I reflect on the things that have kept me clean and sober. I want to remind you right now that your addiction is in the back of your head: running on a treadmill, lifting weights and doing research on the computer! It is getting stronger and smarter each and every day, trying to figure out the best way to take your life over. This is to be avoided at all costs!!

If our addiction is getting stronger and smarter, we obviously need to keep our recovery even stronger than our addiction. The question is, how do we strengthen our recovery? I have to stick with the 5 Pillars of Recovery:

1. GET A HIGHER POWER (God, NA/AA Group, etc.) This is the foundation of your recovery! Your Higher Power needs to be something that can give you validation, love, compassion and acceptance. Door knobs need not apply.
2. GO TO MEETINGS (NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, small groups, etc.) Great place to meet like minded people, realize we are not the only ones who struggle and get some hope restored. Without hope, recovery is impossible.
3. GET A SPONSOR (Mentor) This is someone who is living their lives the way you would like to be living yours 5 years down the road and is willing to take the time to help you get there
4. STEP WORK (12 Steps) This is a set of things that we need to do in order to work through our addiction. The truth is, most of us are not working the steps for drugs/alcohol/food/pornography/etc. We have deep rooted problems that must be taken care of first and when we do that our addictions will begin to sort themselves out. Think of going to a doctor missing a finger and all he did was clean up the blood and then said you were better. Are you better? Of course not! He has not taken care of the problem, only a symptom of the problem. Our addictions are the same way, just a symptom of the real problems. We need to take care of the deeper issues and the 12 steps are the way to do it!
5. GET ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS (Friends that are positive and sober) These are people you can set up in your life who will help you stay on task. They will call you when you miss a meeting or don't show up at work just to tell you that you're missed and ask if everything is okay. They may even show up unannounced, drag you off of your pity-pot and take you out for coffee. 

If I have these 5 things in my life I need to also make sure that I pray and meditate every day. Working steps, going to meetings and working with a sponsor will cause issues to come to mind. We need to address these, and prayer and meditation is a great way to do that. If you don't have time, you need to make time. Some nights I don't get off of work until 9 PM, but I am still up at 4 AM the next morning to lift weights for 30 minutes then walk. Why do I do this?

I have found that taking a 30 minute walk most mornings allows me to focus on praying and meditating. I focus on the things that I am grateful for. Then I pray for: strength/courage/wisdom to accomplish what I need to that day, to make me a better husband/father, then help for my friends, family and others who are struggling. In addition I always pray for two things: To make me like Jesus and to use me this day as His hands and feet. This always gets my day off to a great start! 

BLiR VLog from 08/26/2012 - 09/01/2012

08/26 GIGO or Garbage In Garbage Out

08/27  Why Christ is My Higher Power

08/28 Living to Your Potential

08/29  Eternally Optimistic

08/30 What is BLiR and More Information on the Upcoming Event

08/31 Why I am Grateful for My Addiction

09/01 Alcohol is a Drug, Period

What is Celebrate Recovery

I was going to do a review of the lessons in Celebrate Recovery, but I was told that it is copywrited up to and including their acrostics. So I will instead do a quick review of what Celebrate Recovery is and consists of so that people who read this can have an understanding of it. First we will look at how it is different from most of the 12 step programs out there.

For starters most Celebrate Recovery groups begin 30-60 minutes before the first group for food. It tends to be really good grub for cheap. Then big group begins. Big group lasts for an hour and consists of one of two things. Rotating weeks you will have a testimony from someone of the changes that have occured in their lives (where they were to where they are), the following week is a lesson on the 12 steps. Next is small groups for an hour. We will get what small groups are later. After small groups come coffee, dessert and good conversation. That is a typical night of CR, anywhere from 2-4 hours depending on what you attend.

The biggest thing to know is that Celebrate Recovery is for life's hurts, habits and hang-ups. It is not only for substance abuse.  Here is an incomplete listing of groups:

 Adult Children of the Addicted

Alcoholism

Anger

Brokenness

Codependency

Depression/Despair

Divorce

Eating Disorders

   Over Eating; Anorexia; Bulimia

Gambling

Guilt and Shame

Legal and Illegal Substance Abuse

Loss of a Loved One

Low Self Esteem

Love & Relationship Addiction

Need to Control

Overspending

Pornography

Resentment

Sexual Addiction

Sexual/Emotional/Physical Abuse

Workaholism

Another huge difference from most 12 step meetings is that Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered, Biblical scripture-based group. The focus is on God and what He can do in your life. All of the 12 steps have Bible scriptures to tie them more into the commands and promises of God. The principles are also scripture-based. It makes for a much deeper meeting than most that I have been to.

Celebrate Recovery big group begins and ends with worship music. The worship music is probably my favorite part of the group. I am a big fan of worship music. I feel that worship music gets us prepared for opening up to and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in us. Big group lessons have words that will help us in our recovering from whatever our hurt, habit or hang-up is. Each word is an acrostic for the steps to either achieve the word or overcome the word. The acrostic makes it easier to remember, which with my memory was a positive thing.

The small groups are split up by gender. Women and men both benefit from this. It is easier to share in a group full of people the same gender. It also allows for people to talk freely and not in front of their spouses/mates. There is more attention paid to the person speaking and not how they look. It also cuts down on people hitting on each other and more intimate things are shared this way. At least, from what I have seen and heard. I would feel a lot safer saying that I always let my partner use me and that I am highly codependent and like to focus all of my attention on my parter if I am in a group where there are not people that could be partners now knowing that about me and scheming on how they can use that tidbit of information to take advantage of me. Just saying.......

If there are enough attendees, the groups are split up by topic. You may have a substance abuse, depression, codependency, anger management, divorce/separation, grief/loss and financial groups that all meet in separate rooms. They are all gender specific. This is a great way to talk to others who are dealing with the same issues that you are so you know that you are not alone in your struggles.

We do not introduce ourselves as being addicts or alcoholics. Instead, people are encouraged to identify themselves by positives, such as being a grateful believer in Jesus Christ. I personally introduce myself as David, and then add that I have been blessed with many trials and tribulations in life that I have grown from. If you want to be successful, refer to yourself by positives not negatives. If you are in secular meetings, introduce yourself as sober or in recovery.

There is child care available at most Celebrate Recovery groups. The difference is that the people who are watching the children are generally background checked (at least if it occurs at a church they should be due to the church standards that exist). There are also several programs that are designed for children 5 and older that will give them things to discuss with their parents to help make that relationship stronger.

There are 5 basic rules to the small groups:

1. Your sharing is focused on your own thoughts and feelings and is limited to 3-5 minutes.
2. There is no cross talk. Cross talk is when two individuals engage in dialogue to the exclusion of others. Each person is free to express their own feelings without interruption.
3. We are here to support one another. We will not attempt to "fix" another.
4. Anonymity and confidentiality are essential requirements. What is shared in the group stays in the group.
5. Offensive language has no place in a Christ-centered group.

The sharing focused on you is a good thing. It makes us focus on us instead of allowing us to take the focus off of ourselves and put our focus on helping someone else. We need to work on us. I am perfectly shattered and I need to work on fixing me before I can truly help others. The best way for me to help them is to work on myself and getting a closer relationship with Christ. The not attempting to fix each other ties into that also. It is way easier to tell others what they should do. I would recommend that you instead think of what your advice to them would have been and how it applies to you.

There are a lot of secular groups that claim to be child friendly, yet you will hear the "F" bomb and other cuss words peppered into a lot of people's sentences. For starters, that kind of language has no part in true recovery. We should care about those around us and how our language could be found offensive to them.  Secondly, do you really want your children to hear that kind of language? I know that I don't. On occasion people may slip up, but it does not permeate the sharing like at other 12 step groups.

There are also people who are asked to leave. If you are trying to get dates, you should and will be asked to leave. If you come high or drunk, you will be asked to leave. You may be talked to in a 1:1 situation, but you will not be allowed to impact the group. These are the types of things that are done for the safety of the group. I actually have known women who have stopped going to secular meetings because they were constantly having people try to pick up on them. Not a conducive atmosphere for positive growth to occur. If that is how the people who have are sober are acting and/or allowing others to act(principles before personalities in most secular groups), I will go somewhere else.

I have made changes in the first 6 months of attending Celebrate Recovery that I did not make in 7 years of secular 12 step meetings. I needed to be able to talk about God. A "door knob" seemed like a very unrealistic higher power. I could kick a door off of it's hinges. I did not need little "hp" or little "g', I needed the big "G" God to make positive changes. Knowing the forgiveness of Christ allowed me to forgive myself, which I had never been able to do before.

It is also good to be around people who have never had drug and/or alcohol problems. You see that everyone struggles and you see that you are accepted and loved by people who are not addicts. For the longest time, I thought that I could only be friends with former addicts and criminals, but CR has shown me otherwise. It has put me around positive people who live their lives in ways that I want to live my life in. If you want to have positive growth, put yourself around people who are where you want to be. I do that at CR, and so can you.

I have a life now through Christ that I never had without him and I can finally look in the mirror and love the person staring back at me. I went from a drug addicted felon with no hope and no self esteem to a Christian who can attempt to give to others the grace and hope that was given to me. I can truly do all through him who strengthens me, and so can you. I would strongly encourage anyone considering Celebrate Recovery to look into it, and remember that it is a lifelong commitment. It worked for me and it will work for you. It is not a magical cure; it needs to be actively worked on a daily basis.

You see, I still get frustrated, still get sad, still feel guilty, still feel lonely and I do not always do the right thing, but I strive to be Christ-like and try to ensure that each day I live my life will be better than the day before it. I am no longer a hypocrite; I no longer hate or harbor resentments and anger. Instead I laugh, I cry, I love, I am quick to help and even quicker to forgive. What I once saw as weakness I now often see as strength. Some of those who were once my enemies have become my heroes. It is amazing how your outlook on life changes when you are in recovery.

If you have any questions/feedback, either add them as comments or e-mail me and I would be happy to answer them! If you need to find a CR group in your area, go to http://www.celebraterecovery.com/ and there is a group finder header that will allow you to look by state and city for active groups.

Jonah and the Big Fish/How I Know God Exists

We talked about Jonah and the big fish in church on Sunday. This was a discussion that quickly begin to lower itself. Major thematic points.

1. God loves you and is relentless in His pursuit to fashion you for his good pleasure
2. God's grace is extended to you because it is His nature to love you and bring you to repentance
3. Prayer sometimes changes the situation, but it most assuredly changes us
4. God is the God of the second chance
5. God wants you to have a heart for people like His heart for people   

So, getting to the first point, that God loves you and is relentless in His pursuit. Dan Call, our pastor, likened God in this case to Pepe Le Pew. Do you remember the skunk in the cartoons that would always chase after the cat, declaring his love for her? That is how God is for us, He will pursue us no matter where we go. He will give us His grace (read His grace as saying His favor) no matter where we have gone. Prayer does have the power to change us. God will give us a second chance, but it is up to us what we do with it. Finally, God wants us to love others as He loves us........whether we deserve it or not, and whether other people deserve it or not. I can and will vow to the first 4 points.

You see, in my past, I had felt that my sin had led me to a place where God could not reach. I knew that because of my criminal conduct for 20 years and my drug and alcohol abuse that began in 7th grade and lasted until I was 37, that I had walked away from Him for good.  I found out that kind of thinking was fallacious. I truly was the prodigal son, who figured he had removed himself from his father's good graces. I knew that God would no longer want me. When I came back to Him, after 27 years of agnosticism and 25 years of drugs and debauchery, there He was waiting to comfort me. He took my hand and walked me out of the haze of my addiction and into recovery overnight.

There are many out there who would tell me that my experience with the Holy Spirit was only imagined. There are atheists and agnostics that would tell me I have lost my mind. There would be psychiatrists and psychologists who in the past would have told them that they were right, I had gone crazy.....in the past. To them I have a reply. If you have ever been in the depths of addiction, you would not say that. I have been in the depths of my addiction. Everyone has a different rock bottom, here is mine:

1. I have shot up ice water, because the batch of meth was not ready or I was waiting on the person to get back from filling their morphine prescription.
2. I have woken up at 4 AM in a urine soaked mattress to get up and drink a couple of shots to put me back to sleep and stop the shakes.
3. I started smoking cigarettes in 6th grade and had never been able to quit.
4. I had been to county jail often enough that I would stay in for several weeks to catch up on sleep when I had the cash in my wallet to bond out.
5. I had slept with enough women that I was in the mid-triple digits. I would go to parties and sleep with 2 or 3 girls when I was a drug dealer.
6. I was drunk 30 minutes after I got out of prison, and spun out on methamphetamine that night.
7. I dealt drugs and was involved with the manufacturing of methamphetamine for over a decade.
8. I had been to rehab, but the longest stretch of sobriety I had since I was in the 7th grade was 3 months.
9. I had been diagnosed with Bi-Polar with Psychotic Features, borderline personality, antisocial personality, sadomasochism, generalized anxiety, major depressive and substance induced psychosis disorders.
10. I used the "F" word and cussed every other word even when I was happy and in normal conversation.
11. I have been found passed out in my own blood after slashing my wrists and rushed to the ER.
12. I have totalled 5 cars drinking and driving (including flying a car off of a cliff traveling 97 feet and getting 32 feet in the air) yet continued to drink and drive every night.
13. I have overdosed on several occasions and yet used within 24 hours every time.

I do not say this to brag. This is simply the truth. I want you to know where I was in my life, in my addiction, in my slow suicide when God found me. One night, it was finally too much. As I have discussed before, I began to pray to God. I put it all on the line. I was ready to try it His way, because my way was killing me. I was living in misery. Since the night I prayed to God and asked Him to take all of this from me, I have had a complete life change. I have not used drugs or drank, I have not smoked a cigarette, I have not had premarital sex, I have not been to jail and I am on no medication for any mental illnesses. I have not cussed since I do not know when. If all of that is not proof of God, than I ask you what is?


I had tried counselors, psychiatrists, drug rehabs, interventions and Narcotics/Alcoholics Anonymous, all to no avail. I had worked the 12 steps, but it was never quite enough. I came to Him in prayer, and He gave me a second chance. That was all that I needed to do, truly turn my will and my life over to God. I had tried using a random higher power, such as the community in 12 step groups, and it was not effective. God was!

I like how Dan saw God yesterday. I see how He can be like Pepe Le Pew, but He is so much more than that, too. I see God much as my wife sees Him. God is like Yoda. He is this wise, mild, unassuming person that has the ability to draw us to Him from other galaxies. He is mild, but acts with conviction when it is warranted. He sometimes stands by and lets the war happen, and other times he intercedes and fights. And when it is time to fight, there is none more able or more passionate in battle for what is right than He is. Yeah, my God is not a jedi, my God is the Jedi of all Jedis. Trust when I say that "the force" is strong with this One. You can have your little "g" gods, mine is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, mine is the one and only BIG "G" GOD!!!!!!