Our Father Who Art in Heaven: Gimmee, Gimmee, Gimmee PRAYER Pt. 0.5

It seems that we have a lot of people who no longer pray. They have stopped praying because they do not get their prayers answered. The reason for this is that they are praying wrong. I know what you are thinking, that there is no wrong way to pray. But there is, and many have forgotten the how and why of it. Most of us start our prayer with our hands open and we end prayer with our hands open. We expect God to give, give, give and we are offering nothing in return.

Then there are the prayer habits that many of us have. We may only pray first thing in the morning or again in the evening, plus with our meals. Some of us may only pray at our meals if someone is watching, and others may only pray when people are not. We probably only set aside a couple of minutes every day to pray, never praying for long periods of times. Prayer is hard work and it is time consuming. If we only are praying when it is convenient for us or so that others may see us, we are praying wrong!

This is the beginning of a series on prayer that will be ongoing the next several weeks. Each week we will look at another piece of the prayer puzzle. Among what we will be looking at are: what is prayer, how are we to pray, how often are we to pray, why should we pray and why are my prayers not answered. That said, we will also look at the opposite of these questions. If there are things we should do, then there are things that we should not do.

My hope is that this coming series, although merely an overview, will be able to get you thinking about prayer. It will allow you to begin examining your prayer life, how and when you pray and the reasoning behind your prayer. We are not called to be comfortable, but to be ever vigilant. Prayer should be as needed for our spiritual life as air is for our physical life. If it isn't, then I am hoping that this series will make us question how we are living our lives and insure that we make prayer a major gear in our daily functioning.

Songs of Recovery - I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

When I first began listening to worship music, I heard a song from the singer/song writer Brandon Heath that was entitled, “I’m Not Who I Was.” As soon as I heard it, I adopted it as my recovery anthem. It was also my mantra as a new Christian who was recently saved. I was able to totally relate to this song. If you have never heard it, you will soon see why this was my anthem. The song starts off:

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

I could only imagine the look on the faces of the people that I used to know if they were able to see me now that I have been transformed. Much like the ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan, I had a very ugly life style that has been changed into what I would consider a much better way to live. I am certain that most of society would agree with me that my life is lived better now.

If people from my past could see me now, the way that I talk and live my life would be all that was needed to show them how different I am now. Even people from 3 years ago acknowledge the differences that they see in me.

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

One of the major changes is my anger and my attitude. I used to be mad at you is an understatement. I used to be mad at everybody. They were either preaching at me, wanting me to change or in my paranoia I thought that they were trying to take advantage of me. I was not only angry, I was hurt. Now that I have gotten sober and saved, there have been fundamental changes that have occurred.

The reason there have been fundamental changes is that my viewpoint has changed. I realize that much of what I was angry and hurt by was often people who wanted better for me. It was not that they did not like who I was, they did not like the person I had become. Looking back, I cannot really blame them. I was not a good person, no matter how much I tried to act like. I did token good things with my money, but my heart and my conscience were anything but good. Sugar coating does not change what is beneath.

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I have forgiven people that I will probably never see again. They will probably never know that I was never really mad at them, unless they read this blog (If you are one of those people, leave a comment or drop me an email so that we can talk). It is not so much forgiving people as it is realizing that I was the one at fault.

I have ended friendships out of anger when I was really angry at myself, or I was tired of seeing disappointment in their eyes that might or might not have been imagined every time that they looked at me. I was mean and hateful because I was coming down, or I had just gotten out of jail, or just got screwed over by somebody else and took it out on them. There are so many reasons......................

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

I am prone to laughter when I see the 150 pound meth addict that I used to be. When I see my old pictures it is either laugh or cry. I was a cute kid, and my addiction aged me slightly but it changed me. I have best friends now see pictures of me from high school and they ask who the pictures are of. They are not being nice, I have changed!

I see the people who were my “friends” in my addiction and I know that they did not love me for who I was. My friends were my friends when I was an addict because of several reasons: I had money, I had drugs, I would give them drugs for free or cheap so they could get a hustle on, I gave them a place to sleep, I would buy them food and cigarettes, I would let them take advantage of me, I had a vehicle, they were scared of me/intimidated by me, they wanted to sleep with me or they wanted to sleep with my girlfriend. Never for who I was, but what was in it for them. Sad, sad, sad, but oh so true.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Even though we make changes in our lives, we still have things that have happened in the past and things that happen today that will hurt us and cause us pain. In my past, everything was someone else’s fault. I would feel pain and it would make me strike out at others. This changed in my recovery, as when old situations would arise (new ones too) I would look at the part that I played in them. This was progress. My old friend was blame. Not accepting responsibility kept me sick. If I did not do it, I could not change it. When I accept responsibility, I can then make positive changes!

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was the exact opposite of this. In my addiction I thought that I could sing. I found out in my sobriety that I could not. It was kind of embarrasing when I realized that I could not sing nearly as well as I thought that I could. I had always been encouraged to sing, but those people were as out of it and as fake as I was. I can carry a tune, but it is done with a voice that cracks at all the wrong places. Sobering reality!

The second part of this verse shows the difference in some of us in our addictions. I wanted no one around me when I was an addict. I would chase people away. If someone told me that they loved me, I would break up with them. If they were sick enough to love someone like me, I wanted nothing to do with them. Now, I know that I am worth loving and I have something to offer a partner. No doubt, I am not who I was!

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

I have a lot of people in my past that I feel I owe apologies to that I will never see again. I have not forgotten them, nor how I have wronged them. I have instead thought that living my life well and trying to help other’s live their lives well is the best way that I can make amends. I also think that they may read my blogs or my upcoming book, or see me giving my testimony and see the changes that I have made. I do not regret what I have done, because it has made me who I am. That said, I have done things that were messed up and wrong. I just have realizes that I cannot beat myself up about the past. I cannot change the past, I can only make positive changes in today. Therefore, today is where I stay.

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

My favorite line of the song! Amazing grace is truly that, amazing. I have written a blog already about the song Amazing Grace, which you can find here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/08/songs-of-recovery-amazing-grace-my.html Grace is both unmerited favor and being given the ability to carry out the will of God. As I continued on in my recovery and in my relationship with Christ, I found that I was undeserving of the grace that I received. I surely did not deserve favor from God. At the same time, I realized that I deemed others as unworthy of getting grace. I would look at many with animosity and would not forgive them when they wronged me.

As I grew, I found that if I were given favor by God and the ability to carry out His will, then surely that would mean I needed to forgive others and give others favor that were undeserving in my eyes. As I began to give other’s the grace that I was blessed to receive, I stopped seeing others as undeserving and gained an ability to see others for who they could be. That is what love is about, giving people the compassion, hope and faith they need. This allows them to become who they were meant to be, instead of remaining who they are. God blessed me, and to thank Him I should follow what He deems important. He said that love never fails! So I share my success with others and believe that they too can make positive changes.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

This is a great way to finish this blog. I do hope that this site with all it contains and my life itself allow people to see the changes that have been made thanks to the Holy Spirit working in and through me. I do not just talk about it, I am about it. If you want to see different, look at how I lived my life as recently as 3 years ago and how I live it today. Guarantee that you will see one thing: I’M NOT WHO I WAS!!!!!!!!!!!

Songs of Recovery - Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) by Chris Tomlin

There is a song that I know well. Even as an Agnostic, I was still seen in church on occasion. I would be there for either funerals or weddings. Without fail, at almost every funeral that I attended, I would hear the song Amazing Grace. I have always thought that it was a beautiful and haunting song. I have heard it sang in every style possible, from bluegrass to country to soul and even a cappella rhythm and blues. I have never heard the song and not thought of death before I was saved.


After I got saved the song took on new meaning. I still think of the first verse, and what it means to me now:          

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I'm found

Was blind, but now I see

God's grace change my life. I often give the rundown of my past, so it has been posted in several blogs. If you are new to my blog, you have probably not read it. This was the difference between me before and after I was found by God and transformed by the Holy Spirit and you can read about it in my blog Jonah and the Whale/How I Know God Exists. It is the highlighted part of the blog: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/07/jonah-and-big-fish.html


I was blind to being able to change my life. I was trapped in the certainty that either I or some other secular method could change my life for the better. I would see glimpses of sobriety, but recovery was always just out of reach. I never had extended sobriety. I could never forget who I used to be or forgive myself for what I had done. This kept me mired in my past, and all I could do to survive was stay numb. Then I was blessed with God's grace (unwarranted favor-the ability to do God's will). Since then it has all been different. 


The second verse of Amazing Grace says:

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear

And grace my fears relieved

How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

I do not fear God in any way, shape or form. Not in the traditional sense, at least. I do not fear his punishment, but I do fear letting Him down. It is much like I did when I was a child with my father, who was my Superman. I wanted my dad to respect me and be proud of me. So I have fear of letting God down, yet through grace I know that I cannot let Him down (and grace my fears relieved). I still do not want to displease God, but I know that his favor isn't earned by anything that I do. It was earned through Christ's sacrifice. 

I can still remember the first time that I heard the chorus. I was at Celebrate Recovery the first time that I heard this version of Amazing Grace. For a recovering addict/sinner/convict, it was like a promise that was promised to me and was being kept already. It was the knowledge that someone had put into words what I was already feeling/living:

My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy rains

Unending love, Amazing grace

The chains of servitude were gone. No longer was I a slave to drugs, alcohol and the life of sin that I once lived. I could never forgive myself, but his forgiveness rained on me like a flood that cleansed me. I finally realized that I was worthwhile, that I was greater than I once was. I was also allowed to see that every thing that I had lived through had made me wiser, stronger and brought me to the place I am at now. I love where I am at now!

The third verse says:

The Lord has promised good to me

His word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures

Yes, the Lord has promised good to me. I have the Holy Spirit residing inside of me, to give me strength to do what is needed. This does not mean that life will be lemon drops and lollipops. God does not promise that once we are saved it will be rainbows and cotton candy. Instead, He gives us the promise of an eternity of bliss in the next life. Not 70 or 80 years, but eternity. Before, I would wake up every day depressed because I knew that right now could possibly be the best it will ever get. Knowing that I have good promised to me gives me hope to make it through today. What is 70 or 80 years in the face of eternity? It is but a blink of an eye. I can deal with what ever this old world throws at me because I know what is promised! 

The last verse of this song finishes with:

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow

The sun forbear to shine

But God, Who called me here below

Will be forever mine

Will be forever mine

You are forever mine

Once again, we see that this world is only temporary. God gives us the promise of eternal life. So even as we see this world turn on itself and begin to sink to new depths, we know that we are not relegated to living in this world of sin forever. When this world has been destroyed, we will be with our Abba, Father! How reassuring is that? I know that no matter what happens, I will endure because my eye is set on an eternal prize. 

My chains are gone and I have been set free from more than just my addictions. I have been set free from this world. I may live IN IT, but I am no longer OF IT! The chains of sin and wanting to fit in with the people of this world no longer have me bound. They may be scrambling; thinking of how to make more money or buy more expensive toys. My heart is set on how to better help those around me. How can I exemplify Christ in my walk? How can I better serve my heavenly Father? How can I show others the amazing grace that has been shown to me? Those are the questions that I answer by living my life to benefit others and obeying the Great Commission!