My name is David and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who has been blessed with many trials and tribulations to work through. I guess that you could say that I am in recovery from the consequences of living in an imperfect, sinful world. We will get to all of that as we go. My testimony starts off the way far too many testimonies begin.
One of my first memories is being molested by a baby sitter from our church when I was 4. I was ridiculed and made fun of while being molested; laughed at and told how disgusting and bad I was. I remember while my parents were reading an article in the paper they had talked about a boy getting touched by an adult and how disgusting and sick it was. That is why I never told my parents. I didn’t want them to know I was disgusting, too.
Growing up my father was an alcoholic. My mother left him when I was in 5th grade and sent us to MO with her dad. My grandfather was highly abusive. I thought that I deserved it because he had found out about me being disgusting and sick. He would beat me than not let me go to school for a week, calling and telling the school I was helping out on the farm instead of letting me go to school and risk anyone seeing the cuts and bruises. I found out that by laughing at him when he was hitting me he would wear himself out on me and my brother would not get beat so I learned to laugh when I felt pain. I never told because he threatened to hurt my sister if I did.
Going to school, I felt different from other kids. They had not been molested, they were not living with their grandparents and they did not get beat at home. I felt less than, inadequate and afraid that anyone would find out who I was. I found that picking on kids less popular than me made me feel better and accepted. I became a bully in 5th grade. I would get beat at home than would beat up other kids. Because of the physical/sexual abuse and my fighting several things happened: I never felt that I fit in, I learned to hide how I felt and who I was, I saw several counselors, I learned to embrace pain, I lost all hope and became agnostic.
In 7th Grade my dad got custody of me. I moved back to Illinois. He worked overnights. My first weekend I was walking the town and ran into some kids on the square. They asked me if I had ever smoked marijuana, and I told them yes. They passed me a joint and for the first time I could remember, I felt I fit in. The next night I went to a party with them. It was the first time I got drunk, did cocaine, tripped acid, kissed a girl and slept with a girl.
I learned that if I stayed high, slept with the hot girls and beat people up I could numb my emotions, temporarily escape my past and feel like I fit in. I began smoking marijuana and eating mini-thins daily and drinking, being promiscuous and fighting on the weekends.
I moved back to MO with my mom senior year after getting my stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning and multiple legal problems chasing me. I was such a knucklehead that I moved to Southwest Missouri to get away from drugs. The problem was that although I changed locales, I had not changed. I brought me with me. I soon found methamphetamine and dropped out of high school because it got in my way of partying. I continued to get into fights and break the law. At 17 I was on probation.
My probation officer tried everything to no avail: probation, community service, scared straight, house arrest, counseling, rehab and county jail. I went on the run for 6 months then turned myself in. At 20 I went to prison. While there I accomplished 3 things: I learned to be better criminal, got my GED and turned 21.
Two hours after I was paroled I was drunk. I used drugs intravenously for the first time the night I was released. Soon after I was dealing drugs and involved in the manufacturing of meth.
At 22 I flew my car 97 feet off of a cliff, getting 32 feet in the air. I died several times in the ambulance and was prescribed opiates for my injuries. By the time the doctor took me off of opiates months later I was addicted to them as well.
At 23 I got married and left a month later due to issues we were having. I found myself back on probation for possession with intent to deliver. At 24 I attempted suicide but my sister happened to come over and find me unconscious in a pool of blood in my bathroom. She called an ambulance. If you can’t tell, I lived. I was trying to find a way out of my addiction and depression and that was the only thing I had not tried. I was so unsuccessful I couldn’t even do that right.
As a side note I have a history of mental illness diagnosis: Bipolar disorder, PTSD, generalized anxiety, major depressive episodes with psychotic features and antisocial personality disorder.
At 28 I went to residential rehab for the first time. It took me a month after I got out before I relapsed. That 2 month period was the longest I had been clean since I had started using at 12. I needed money and only knew one way to get it quickly. The voice in the back of my head told me I could sell and not use. As usual, the voice lied. That voice led me from one disaster to the next by telling me what I wanted to hear. That is one of the things that makes me an addict.
In the 13 months my relapse lasted I overdosed 3 times, left a trail of used people and shot someone at a drug deal gone badly. He lived and that actually made me mad. I was an evil person back then, a soldier for Satan. I have holes in my body I was not born with. I did not get them being a nice guy or being around nice people. I moved in with my mother in Springfield from Branson to get my life in order, leaving all I owned behind me. As usual, I ran away but brought me with along.
At 30 I started college and was working in restaurants. I was soon drinking every night, shooting steroids, still getting into fights, being promiscuous and living my life by my rules as an Agnostic. If this was all there was I had better party it up and enjoy life now! My best day consisted of waking up to my alarm and not the shakes because I needed a drink. After this life I knew that there was nothing so I became a hedonist and chased the next rush or conquest.
An Associates, 2 bachelors and in the middle of a master’s degree later I was still an alcoholic; running from my problems and reveling in my character defects. I got into fights almost weekly, cussed constantly, slept with anyone, constantly looked at porn on the internet while smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I saw a dominatrix on a regular basis to get beaten because I felt that I deserved the pain. I was working at a substance abuse facility while drinking until I blacked out every night. I always said I hated Christians because they were hypocrites, yet I was the biggest hypocrite I knew. Looking back it makes since, as I hated myself.
I looked into the mirror and did not like the person I saw, but I could always look at others and see I wasn’t as bad as them. I was not where I wanted to be but was happy I was not where I had been. Because of that I thought I was better. After all, it was only alcohol and a few legal addictions.
The month before I turned 36 my father committed suicide. Several months later I broke up with the mother of my son. She would not let me see him at first. I struggled. I was out of hope, and my job was to give hope to my clients. I began to feel that I was a fraud and they were all going to find out. I started to look at the people I knew who were always happy. I looked for people who had the most hope. It turned out to be a Christian couple I knew through work, Nate and Becca.
One day I broke down and told Nate what was going on. He invited me to come to Church with them. I said no. He asked again several weeks later, and I said no. Then the following week his wife invited me to church for BBQ. I love to eat, so I said okay. The first thing I remember was the music. They played a song by Third Day called “Cry out to Jesus.” It was a Christian song that talked about addiction in the lyrics. For the first time in a church I did not feel judged for who I was or how I was dressed. Then I heard they had a recovery meeting called Celebrate Recovery, and the next week I checked it out.
I came a week or two a month for the next 6 months. I was not drinking the kool-aid. I did not really believe, but I was around positive people and I hoped it would rub off. I also heard several things that stuck in my mind. I really liked Paul became of the things that he said.
Romans 3:23 – “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I was not the only sinner in the church. Instead, it was a church full of people who sinned.
Romans 7:14,19 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For what I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing" I could totally relate to Paul, like he was my long lost twin. He had struggles too and had trouble stopping.
About a year later, I had been drinking heavily. As I pulled out of the bar to go home, I had a police car zoom up behind me. I immediately began to pray. “God, if you let me not get pulled over, I will go to church every Sunday.” I turned and the officer turned with me and I continued to pray, “I promise, if you let me not get pulled over I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink again.” I turned and the police officer turned with me again. Every time that happened I added something else. By the time I turned onto my street I was going to start going to church every Sunday, quit drinking, drugging, smoking cigarettes, cussing, fighting and having premarital sex.
As I turned onto my street, the police officer continued going straight. I passed out in my car when I got home. I remember waking up in the morning and going to bed. I woke up late that afternoon. I had plans to go to my friend house to watch the Super Bowl. I remember getting up and lying in bed trying to piece together the night before. I would generally black out and not remember the previous night, but this time I remembered. I remembered making the deal as I prayed, and the police car driving by after following me half-way across Springfield. That kept playing over and over in my mind.
I sat and thought about what I was going to do. Finally, I got into my car to go. I can remember thinking that there was no way I could go to Josh’s house and keep my part of the bargain, because everybody there would be drinking and smoking cigarettes. I headed over there anyway. I knew that I had made a deal with God, and that God had kept his part of the bargain. I also knew that I had smoked cigarettes for almost 26 years and been using drugs and alcohol for 24 years. I could not say no. After all, the voice in my head kept telling me I couldn’t do it. Literally, there was a voice in my head telling me I might as well drink because I was going to fail anyway.
As I was driving to my friend’s house I was flipping through radio stations when I heard a song start that I had never heard before. As it played, I started to cry. I had to pull over due to the tears. As soon as I heard the words, “I wish you could see me know, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was,” I knew that I would never smoke again. At that moment I knew that I would never drink or do drugs again. The voice in my head changed. God spoke to me, and I heard a voice in my head start repeating over and over again, “You are not who you were yesterday. You are changed. You can do this. You never have to be who you were again.”
God had kept his part of the bargain, so I have attempted to keep mine. I am blessed to say that I have not gotten into a fight outside of the ring, been promiscuous, drank, drugged or smoked a cigarette since that night. I may have cursed a few times, but no one is perfect. I have become a firm believer in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all through Him who gives me strength." As an Agnostic I tried everything the world had to offer: medication, rehab, probation, prison, psychiatrists, psychologists, anonymous programs all to no avail. One foxhole prayer and my life has never been the same…….in amazing ways.
Do I miss the drugs and the lifestyle sometimes? You bet. I can honestly say that I loved drugs and I loved the way they made me feel. I hate the person they turned me into. I never want to be that person again. I am no longer obsessed with drugs, but the desire is still there on occasion. I have prayed for the desire to be lifted, and it has not happened. I find solace in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, "there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I have discovered over time what I had been doing wrong and why I had failed so many times. As an Agnostic, when I woke up in the morning without a hangover and a cute girl beside me I knew that was the best my life was ever going to get. Through Christ I have something more to look forward to. No matter how bad my day gets, I know that if I continue to live my life guided by the Holy Spirit that I have an eternity of bliss promised to me. Because of that promise, I can make it through everything that this world has to throw at me.
A month after I committed my life to Christ I was first contacted by the woman who is now my wife on E-Harmony, Julie. Christ had to wait until I was ready to place the woman of my dreams in my life. A month after I met Julie I was baptized. These are just a couple of the ways my life has changed.
My life has changed because I see it differently. I see my life as a gift from God, and how I live my life my thank you to Him. I lived years slapping God in the face, and I will never do that again. I have found a purpose for my life that I never knew was possible because there is more to life than just me and my immediate pleasure.
I once heard it said that going to Church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. I completely agree with that, and I want to be known for my actions, not my words. The 10 commandments are not multiple choice. My actions today speak of who I am, not who I was. I am a child of Christ, my life a gift from God. People should be able to see that when they are around me. It starts with doing community service and sharing the gospel with others.
That is why the 12th step is by far my favorite step. It is the pay check at the end of a long and hard work week. Let no one tell you that recovery is easy, but it is worth it. You have to be true to yourself and to Christ, and realize that only by walking the walk can you truly influence others. James 1:27 says that "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." Because of this I go out and speak at churches, seminars, groups, trainings, schools, colleges and in communities about how addiction begins, how it progresses, the dangers it presents as well as the fact that there is a Better Life In Recovery; which is the name of the non-profit and the documentary I am working on that will reach out to youth and young adults who have struggles with the sole purpose of giving them hope and letting them know they are not alone in their hurts, habits and hang-ups.
I want others to see how accepting Christ is and come to faith in Him. As Paul said, “Christ Jesus came into this world to save sinners of whom I am the worst.” They can only see loving side of Christ if it is displayed by us as Christians and it all starts with me. Christ has given me an amazing son and daughter, a beautiful wife who has always put Christ first her whole life, a job I enjoy and a story that can be shared with others of how rock bottom can be transformed into a life worth living.
I understand why people feel they are not worthy of Christ’s grace. I remember when I went to my pastor and explained to him about this incredible female I had met and how I was not worthy of her because I sinned frequently in my past and was new to Christ while she had lived her entire life for God. I could not understand how this could be, and my pastor told me a story I will relate to you. It is a parable that Christ shared in Matthew about the landowner who hires men in the early morning to go and work his fields for a denarius, which was the common payment for a full day’s work. Three hours later he goes to the marketplace and gets more workers and sends them to his fields. Three hours later he does the same thing, then again three hours later and yet again two hours later. At the end of the day, he paid them all the same and the first hired grumbled about getting paid the same. The landowner told them to take their pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Are you envious because I am generous, he asked them. This parable was not at all about money, but was about God's grace. It means that no matter when in your life you heed God’s call, you will gain Eternal Life. So now, instead of focusing on what God has given others I focus on God's gracious benefits to me and I am thankful for all that have.
I have a life now through Christ that I never had without him. I can finally look in the mirror and love the person staring back at me because I was finally able to deal with my problems instead of trying to stay numb and escape them. Working through the steps actually allowed me to not only forgive others, but to finally forgive myself. After all, that was the person I hurt and hated the most.
I went from a drug addicted felon with no hope and no self-esteem to a Christian who shares with others the grace and hope that was shared with me. I like to say that I went From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope. I can truly do all through him who strengthens me, and so can you. I would strongly encourage anyone considering Celebrate Recovery to look into it, and remember that it is a lifelong commitment. It worked for me and it will work for you.
It is not a magical cure; it needs to be actively worked on a daily basis. I hear some say they are recovered, and to me that says that they are done. I am in recovery. That means I will continue to work at this program, on myself, and for a better relationship with Christ on a daily basis. You see, I still get frustrated, still get sad, still feel guilty, still feel lonely and I do not always do the right thing, but I strive to be Christ like and try to ensure that each day I live my life will be better than the day before it.
I am no longer a hypocrite; I no longer hate or harbor resentments and anger. Instead I laugh, I cry, I love. I am quick to help and even quicker to forgive. What I once saw as weakness I now often see as strength. Some of those who were once my enemies have become my heroes. It is amazing how your outlook on life changes when you are in recovery.
Thank you for letting me share some of my experiences with you and how God has impacted my life and completely change the way I live it. In all honestly I did very little. I owe a lot to 12 step programs, even more to Celebrate Recovery, and I owe it all to Christ. Trust me, with Him all things are possible
