The 1 Rule that Changed My Life

This may sound too easy to some of you. One rule that can change your life; it may sound too simple to be true. Is there really one rule that can help me change the way that I live my life? I would say yes! I am living proof that you can make changes in life. I have been through the wringer over and over again. I hit rock bottom and I grabbed a shovel, as most of us do. It is like hitting the bottom is not good enough for us. I always thought that being bad was all that I was good at. I tried to be an overachiever in my addictions, from drugs to violence to sex to crime. 


When I realized that I needed to make changes after I got saved, I made one major change in my life. That one thing was to ask myself several questions before I did anything. It was all that I needed to do. It will not happen overnight for most of us, but eventually we will not need to ask ourselves the questions anymore. Why? We will no longer have to live our lives as if because the question that we used to ask ourselves will be answered. We will have developed a pattern of doing the right thing.

To start off with we will look at how a pattern is made. Imagine that you live in a house that is separated by several hundred yards of woods from your best friend’s house. Furthermore, imagine that it is quicker to cut through the woods then to go around them. You know, shortest path between two lines being a straight line and all that. Visualize going through the woods. 


The first time that you go through them, it will be difficult. You will have to walk through briars and overgrown brush. You will have to try to blaze a new trail. The next day, you will have to pay careful attention to the trail so that you can see it; if you can see it at all. As the days pass with you and your friend walk back and forth through the woods several times a day, the path through the woods will begin to get trampled down. It will become easier and easier to get through the woods to your best friend’s house. It will get easier to see. Eventually you will have a nice trail and the danger of the briars and brush will be gone. You will now be able to stay on the path with very little attention to it because it is now worn down and obvious.

Our brain acts in much the same way. We have electrical impulses that are sent from neuron to neuron, or from your house to your best friend’s house, in your brain. These impulses begin to build neural pathways in our brain. These are the trails that we talked about as we walk to our best friend’s house. These trails are presently nonexistent for some of us. We have never done the right thing. If we did, it was probably accidental or incidental. We therefore have our work cut out for us.

At first, we have pathways that have already been built that we will have to overcome. It may be automatic for us to cuss or fight when we get angry. When we need something, our first impulse may be to steal it or hustle to make money illegally instead of working for it. When we are offered a drink or a drug, it is an automatic reaction to accept it. When faced with whether or not we should lie or tell the truth, we always choose to lie.  We will have to overcome these first. That is why we have the questions that we will ask ourselves when faced with every situation in our life are asked. These questions are kind of like moral training wheels for us.

As we begin to make the right choices, we create new pathways that will override the old pathways we have that are wired to do the wrong thing. The more that we do the right thing, the easier it will become. Just like that trail, we will have to pay less and less attention to what we are doing because it will become a well walked path that is now the only viable pathway for our brain’s electrical impulses to travel.

So what are the questions that we need to ask ourselves? For me I realized that it was an automatic response for me to do the wrong thing. I found myself always in fights, drunk, being immoral, cussing, lying, etc. You name the sin, and I was doing it. I always justified what I was doing by saying that as long as I was not shooting up drugs that I was doing great. 


This was fine when I was agnostic and I was not a father. I had no higher power to answer to. I had no one who looked up to me that I needed to set an example for. That is at least what I thought. When I reflect back, I still had a niece that was being raised alone by my sister that needed to see what a positive male looked like. I was never that person in her life, and I let her down when I was in my addiction and not in a relationship with Christ. In my anger, I was oblivious to anyone’s needs other than my own.

Then I had my son, and my thinking began to change. It was not long after I had my son that I began to examine my life. I began to realize that I needed to make some changes to my life. I tried and I was unable to do it. Then my father died. I was lost. I could not see up from down. My drinking intensified, and I was emotionally unavailable for a couple of months. Then I started to go to church a little more frequently and realized that I needed to change. 


I was unsure how to do it. My brain was hardwired to always have the first thought wrong syndrome. I would argue that it was every thought wrong back then. I began to ask myself several questions that made all of the difference to me. I wanted to be a better parent to my son, and I needed to start sooner than later. What could I possibly do to accomplish better parenting?

Over time the best way that I have found to parent is to always act like my son is on my right side and Christ is on my left. I would ask myself, "If Christ were here, would I say/do that?" and if the answer was yes, I would then ask myself, "If my son were here, would I say/do that? Would I want my son to say/do that?" If the answer to all 3 of those questions was yes, then I knew that it was okay to do.


If you are in a relationship or married, you can use your partner. Imagine that you are a flirt, and that you always flirt with the cute person in your office. Now ask yourself those two questions before you engage in behavior! If my wife were here, would I flirt with my coworker several times a day? Now ask yourself question two. Would I want my wife to flirt with the good looking guy at her office all day? How would that make you feel if you were to walk up and see that happening? Would you feel loved, betrayed, happy, outraged, etc. Think about how the same action you are preparing to do would make you feel before you do it to someone else!

The cool thing was that over time I no longer had to ask myself those questions. For starters, I no longer had to act like Jesus was next to me. I knew for a fact that Christ was always by my side. There was no need to pretend anymore. Furthermore, I did not need to ask myself if my son were there would I do this because my Spirit-led morals always lead me in the right direction. In fact, when I put Christ first, I know that I am setting a great example for my son as well as a blessing to my wife. If I follow the principals of a true Christian and put Christ first in all that I do, I will be a great father, a great husband, a great worker and a great friend!

My Superman

In this day and age, there needs to be more superheroes. I know that this may seem like an absurd statement, when there seems to be a new superhero movie released every other week at the theater and there are a lot of everyday heroes who step up when others will not. Those are the people that I am talking about, not the ones with the spandex tight suits, but the guys who step up and do what should be done when there are so many others who refuse to do the right thing.

I am really more of a Wolverine guy, but I would like to tell you a little bit about the guy that I called Superman. He was not named Clark Kent, but he was mild mannered, gentle and unassuming like him. He was mild-mannered in that when I would get into fights, he could never understand where my violence came from. I have seen him get hit and just stand there and take it, because he believed in the literal turning of the other cheek. He was gentle in that I know that he never hit any of his children, nor did he get into any fights after his teen years. He was unassuming because you never heard him brag about his achievements, even though there were many things that he did over the course of his life.

This is where I come in. Today I am going to tell you about the real life Superman that I had the pleasure of knowing, much like the people of Metropolis who loved the man who always saved the day and told grandiose stories about him. Some of my stories of Superman will be grand and some will not, but they will all be honest.

Superman was born to parents who were German immigrants who actually had their name changed at Ellis Island so that it would sound less German. He was born in Illinois, were he went to school and eventually joined the Army. This was a time that he never talked about, his time in the Army. Yet he did it, and he left the service with an honorable discharge. Some would say that serving his country makes him a hero, and I would agree with that. But it did not make him Superman.

He jogged all of the time, and running was one of his passions. Once a week he would run 20 miles to work, complete a 12 hour shift, then run 20 miles back home. He was inspired and at peace when he ran. Some would say that the focus and ability to run like he did was superhuman. At least I would, because I cannot run more than 10 feet without needing to be given oxygen. But it did not make him Superman.

He had a knowledge of the Bible that was unbelievable. He actually worked at the world headquarters for the  denomination that he believed in for several years. He loved to talk to people about his faith, and how life without God was miserable. He would minister and evangelize to people he had just met because he was worried about their eternal salvation. That takes courage that many of us today lack. But that is not what made him Superman.

He dealt with Bipolar Disorder, or what is commonly referred to as Manic Depression, his whole life. He lived with it and was still nice to those around him. He had his episodes because he would get feeling well and then wrongly think that he no longer needed his medication. He would then stop taking his prescriptions, then have a manic episode after a year or two and have to get stabilized on the medication again. He did this for decades without giving up. But that is not what made him Superman.

If someone met him, they were instantly friends. He was able to joke around with people standing next to him in line, and he never judged or looked down on anyone. I remember seeing him one day at the bus station in a state that he did not live in. As he left the station he had probably 30 people yell goodbye or shake his hand on his way out.  That was the charisma that he had. But that is not what made him Superman.

He was a recovering alcoholic. He had drank for years and was given to excess, especially during his manic highs. He never made excuses for his drinking, and he had 20 plus years of sobriety. He also would help those at church who were given to excess, and was always there to share his strength, faith and hope of overcoming addiction through a relationship with God. Battling addiction and overcoming it is something that 90 % of alcoholics fail at. He did it. But that is not what made him Superman.

After his first wife left him and took his three children with her (two biological and one step), he would travel 6 hours one way (12 hours round trip) to see his children every other weekend. He did this for two  and a half years, and he never missed a weekend. He put his entire summer on hold when he had his children with him, and would spend weeks at a time with them giving them his undivided attention. This made him an incredible dad. But this is not what made him Superman.

When he got the opportunity to get custody of his son, he jumped at it. He brought his son home and raised him as a single father for several years before getting remarried. He always put his son first and foremost, and his son never wondered whether or not he was loved, because he knew it. This also made him an incredible dad. But this is not what made him Superman.



Dad, tomorrow is father's day. You have been gone for 3 years now, and I miss you incredibly. I wish that my son would have gotten the chance to meet you, but he never did. The reason that I wish my son could have met you is because to me, you were Superman. Not because of the spiritual influence that you gave, not because you worked through your own addiction and mental illness, not because you could always run me into the ground on the track, not because my mom left you and I never heard you say a bad word about her, not because you served our country, not because you were charismatic, not because you never judged or looked down on anyone, not because you never hit or spanked me, not because you loved people enough that you wanted them all to know Christ and have the opportunity to live forever, not because you always carried me on your shoulders, not because you never once told me you were too busy to play ball(baseball, basketball or football), not because you never missed your weekends with me, not because you loved me unconditionally through my addiction/jail/prison and not because you were a stand up man and a dedicated father.

You are not Superman for one of these things or some of these things, but for all of these things. You taught me how to be a man and how to be a father. Even though I did not get it for 3 decades, I get it now. You never gave up on me and you loved me no matter what, because that is what fathers do.

You are Superman because you had faith that I would eventually grow into the father and husband that I have. You are Superman because thanks to you I will be an incredible father, because I will pass on all that I learned from watching you. You are Superman not for some of what you did, but for everything that you did.

Dad, I just wanted to say a few things to you on this father's day. I wanted to say that I love and miss you. I wanted to say that you were always a great dad even when I was not a great son. Finally, I wanted to let you know that my son will get to know you not just through pictures and stories, but by seeing how I live my life and raise him. He will know you because he knows me, and you live through me. I am and always will be a living legacy to who you were Dad!!! I hope that you are proud of the father I have become. I'll see you when I come home!