02/12/2013: My Bipolar Day

I do not say that my day is bipolar to to downplay the dangers or significance of bipolarism. In fact, probably quite the opposite. I actually know a lot about bipolar disorder. My grandmother, an immigrant from Germany, was diagnosed with manic depression psychosis. My father was diagnosed with manic depression and I was diagnosed with bipolarism. They are all names for the same thing. You could say it is a family tradition.

I also have a Bachelors degree in Psychology and a Master's degree in Social Work that was followed up by becoming a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Part of my job is diagnosing mental health disorders, including bipolarism. Not only have I have lived bipolarism, I have studied it.

That said, life can be bipolar. It can go from extreme happiness to extreme depression with the blink of an eye. For me, today is one of those days. I have much happiness as an anniversary and much pain as an anniversary today. It is my choice how I look at the pain and happiness as well as what I focus on. Life happens, and it either makes us better or bitter. Which is a choice you have to make.

I will start with the positive. 6 months ago today, Addison Grace was born. She is one of the happiest babies I have ever been around. Her smile melts my heart. She is a huge blessing, and completed my family. I have an amazing wife, a wonderful son who is a proud big brother, and my angel Addison. She also scares me. People tell me she will have me more wrapped than my son does. If that is possible that is not going to be a good thing.

5 years ago today, my dad lost his struggle with bipolarism. My father committed suicide. I will not get into how  he did it here, but he used 3 different methods that each by itself would have killed him. He wanted to die. I had talked to him the night before and he was as depressed and down as I had ever heard him. The video tape showing him the next morning, shopping for the things he would use to kill him, showed him with a big smile on his face. That is where I find my solace.

My father had yo-yoed for his entire life, struggling with his disorder. He knew as he shopped that his struggle was over. He would finally be released from the roller coaster, and that made him happy. At the time, watching the video at the police station did very little to cheer me up. It helped me later.

At first I was shattered and I struggled. My drinking was already nightly and to the point of shakes if I went too long without drinking. It got worse. I took his suicide personally at first, and made it about me. How could he do this to me. I finally realized that he was miserable and did not see a way out. He was in pain, the kind of pain I can only imagine. He did not want to hurt anymore, yet I made it about me.

When I attempted suicide years ago, it was not about anyone but me. I was miserable and saw no way out of my addiction, so I just gave up. At least dead I could relax, I could be free. It took me a while to remember that and see that it was the same for my dad. He was wrong just like I was, but he felt that was the only way to overcome his struggles. He forgot about the casualties he left behind.

Suicide is not a victimless crime. It leaves people behind that blame themselves, wondering why they were not enough or if they could have said something different that might have changed the outcome. The truth is, the dead are dead. They have moved on. We are the survivors, the ones who are still alive. We need to find a way to move on ourselves.

I eventually gained the realization that his suicide was what he felt was best, and that if he was struggling that much I was glad he wasn't struggling anymore. I realized that my father had given me another tool in my counseling tool belt. I gained empathy for those left behind when a loved one committed suicide I did not have before his death. It also was a major portion of my upcoming rock bottom that saw me step away from alcohol/drugs/cigarettes/pre-marital sex and never look back.

In the end, my father's death helped me get sober. I am sure my wife is grateful, as are my son and daughter. I would not have them if I was still in my addiction. I still miss my dad, but I remember that he did the best he could and I loved him very much for it. I still do. Without him, I am  not the husband and father I am today. It is amazing how sometimes the worst experiences give us the wisdom and strength we need to grow into who we were born to be.

Today I celebrate all that my father did for me, and I focus forward on my amazing daughter. Two of the most important people in my life. I guess today is not that bad after all!

Why I Got my Masters Degree in Social Work

I had my mind made up, and I had finally figured out what I wanted to do for grad school. I was a double major in psychology and sociology who had taken a few classes in criminology. I wanted to work with at-risk adolescents and young adults, especially those who were substance abusers or had been physically abused. To do this, I was sure that I needed to get into a good clinical psychology program. At least, that was how I felt until I talked to one of my psychology professors. I told her what I wanted to do after I graduated and my professor steered me towards the social work program. She told me that she thought it might be a better fit for me because of what my career aspirations were. When I had a chance, I went and talked to an advisor in the social work department. I left knowing that social work would open up more doors for me to do the work I feel I was shaped to do.

I have not lived the picture perfect life. I have spent two years, starting at the age of eleven, living with a physically abusive grandpa. I got a three year sentence for breaking and entering, and turned twenty-one in the Booneville Correctional Center. From there I graduated to manufacturing, selling, and being addicted to methamphetamines. I do not say this to brag, it is just the story of my life. Some people deer hunt and fish, I was addicted to drugs.

I admit to this because it made me who I am today. I have been through a twenty-eight day rehabilitation center, the Sigma House, one time. I am now seven years clean, and it has been thirteen years since I got out of prison. When I was a teenager I was not allowed in my own mother’s house unless she was there. Now I have a key and an open invitation from her to come by any time I want. I now have healthy relationships; the kind I never knew existed. I have overcome a lot in my life, and I feel that I made it through the things that I did so that I could help others through their hard times. To show them that they can have major problems in their lives and overcome them, because they are talking to someone who has.

I was molded by my life choices, the good ones and the bad ones, to be a social worker. As a kid in the legal system, I played the games my lawyer told me to play. I did the things the judge and my probation officer wanted me to do. Most delinquents are not seriously interested in changing their lives, but are also only playing games. I can accept that, because at one time I was that person who will one day be standing in front of me. I know the things that eventually helped me, and I know that it was not an overnight success story. I know not to get discouraged when I fail, because it is my experience that most addicts will not make it their first or second time, and many will not make it at all. After being involved in Narcotics Anonymous for the last seven years, I have seen many failures. But I have also seen success stories. An addict will only quit when he or she is ready. I want to plant the seed in people that will someday hopefully bloom into full recovery from substance abuse.

Unfortunately, we don’t try hard enough to help those who need help. I feel that alcohol and substance abuse rehabilitation, as well as intensive counseling, should be readily available to all probation/parole cases, as well as to all people institutionalized. I never really had the chance to work on my problems in prison. While I was incarcerated, prison did not seem like it had any rehabilitative agenda, but instead was only involved with punishment. I do not feel that this is conducive to helping offenders become contributing members of society. If anything, it leaves them no where to turn but back to what they have always done. More needs to be done, and one of the solutions may be drug courts.

I wrote my senior thesis in Sociology on the drug court system. After writing the thesis I became a firm believer in the drug court system that is offered by some courts as an alternative to incarceration. I feel that they have a greater positive impact on the lives of those who go through the program than prison would have had on them. If we can only get people who are better trained and non-judgmental to work with those who are going through drug courts. I think is a great idea in its infancy that needs a little tweaking here and there to make it the rehabilitative powerhouse it could eventually be. That is one of the reasons that graduate school appeals to me, because I will be able to try to make the system work better.

I realize that graduate school will not be easy. I expect it to be somewhat difficult, but it is what I feel I was meant to do. I thought college would be difficult after nearly destroying both my body and my brain cells for years, but I have worked full-time and still maintained a 3.78 GPA after putting five years into college and attaining two Bachelor degrees. I even found time to talk to classes about my past life and experiences. I have talked to both criminology and sociology classes every semester since my second semester here about my personal experiences with physical abuse, substance abuse and my road to recovery. Finally, I am also involved in several honors and service work fraternities, including being the VP of Mentoring and one of the founding members of the MSU Chapter of the Sigma Alpha Lambda National Leadership and Honors Organization. I have had quite a few things on my plate, and still succeeded.

That is what I feel I bring to the Social Work program. When I was in Sigma House going through rehabilitation, one of the night technicians named Jay and I had a major conversation. I told him that I just did not feel ready to stop doing drugs, and he told me that maybe I wasn’t. He got my Alcoholics Anonymous book and wrote his name and number down. He went on to repeat the mantra that I have found to be true from those around me. “There are only three things that addiction leads to prison, institutions and death.” Jay said that he hoped I would decide to stop doing drugs before it landed me in prison or in a casket. He told me to call him when I was finally ready to get clean. When I finally cleaned up two years later, he was there for me, and we are good friends to this day. I want to give back to others what was freely given to me, namely a listening ear, empathy, acceptance and some good advice.