You Never Have to Use Again

I was new to the program, or newish. I had one stint of being sober. I had stayed clean for a couple of months after a residential treatment I did, but it had not taken. Looking back, I was not ready at the time. I did not have the commitment, mostly due to a confusion where I thought that my wants were actually needs. That in turn led me to craving money, which led me back to manufacturing and distributing methamphetamine. That was the only way I knew to make the money I felt I needed at the time.

Once I started selling again, I felt the need to use again. Once I used again, it was all over. I found out that my addiction did not take a couple of months off when I did. I realized quickly that although I had not been feeding my addiction, it had still grown. My addiction no longer needed my help. It was in the back of my head doing its’ thing: lifting weights, running on a treadmill and on a computer doing research.

My addiction got stronger and smarter during my time away. When I came back, the lie told me I could sell it and not use it. That quickly morphed into being able to try it just to see if it was good quality. A bump led to a bubble led to using intravenously all in the same day. It had told me lies that were almost believable. I wanted them to be true, so I ran with them.

That 13 month relapse was above and beyond the previous 16 years. In the first 16 years, I had to get my stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning. In the next 13 months I overdosed 3 separate times. I was left for dead in a motel room, found not breathing at my house and flopped at a friend’s house and used enough that I went blind and went into seizures. Before that I had never done more than overamped. To top it all off in the week before I went to a meetingI had been at a drug deal gone bad where I had shot someone (I found out later he lived) after one of my partner’s buddies had gotten shot in the leg.

That period, a year and a month of my life, was above and beyond anything I had previously experienced. How quickly it devolved is what led me to leaving everything behind I owned and knew. I left the town I was living in and showed up at my mom’s house with nothing but a duffel bag full of clothes. I was done, and material things had lost all interest. After all, it was only stuff and none of that could replace my life if I lost it in my addiction. I figured that was next. Even if I were a cat, I was about out of lives. That is what brought me to my first meeting in Springfield.

I walked into that meeting with my friend Jay the day I moved to Springfield. I had one of Jay’s friends tell me something I had never heard before. He asked how much time I had clean, and I told him that I had less than 24 hours. He then said, “At an NA meeting with less than a day clean. That is a great start. You are at a meeting where other people who are fighting the same fight can share their strength, experience and hope with you. If you listen to them and apply what you hear here to your life, YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN. This is an easy program that we make more difficult than it is, but the truth is YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN.”

This is one of the most encouraging pairing of words I had ever heard, “You never have to use again.” I heard it twice in one breath at my first meeting in Springfield. I would like to tell you that the previous 13 month relapse had been my rock bottom. I would love to share with you that I had an epiphany and never used again after being told that I didn’t have to. Unfortunately, if I told you that I would be lying.

I was off of drugs for quite some time after that, but I began drinking. That drinking intensified over the next couple of years to the point that I was having an after party at my house most every night. It slowed down after I had my son, but quickly escalated after my father committed suicide.

I am a knuckle head. I seem to always have to learn things for myself. I guess I still needed to learn one more thing the hard way. I did 150 meetings in the first 90 days and then 2-5 meetings a week for the following six months and this was read from the readingHow It Works at every meeting I attended during that time:

 “Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse.                    Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be

confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must        abstain from all drugs in order to recover.”

I will talk more about the damaging effects of alcohol in a future blog entitled “Alcohol is a Drug, Period.”  Today, if you are struggling with addiction I just want you to know one thing, YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN!That said, you will want to make this much harder than it really is. Here are the five pillars you must have to stay clean and sober as well as the two things you must change:

1.       Higher Power/Jesus – I know that the politically correct thing to say here is the non-specific higher power. That said, I tried the non-specific HP as an agnostic and I was back to using again.  It did not work for me. I prayed to Christ once, and since that day I have not: used drugs, drank alcohol, smoked a cigarette, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight outside of a ring in almost 5 years. I was hopeless and a higher power did nothing to instill hope in me. I found hope in Christ that not only could this life be better but there is so much more than just this life. I have something to look forward to in Christ that I did not have in my agnosticism.

2.       The Bible/12 Steps– Some may substitute the 12 steps here, and I have seen them be very effective when working with hurts, habits and hang-ups. For me, the book of James has been amazing. It is short and filled with all of the wisdom one needs to live a great life. I combine the Bible with the 12 steps through both my personal life as well as Celebrate Recovery (which I will cover in #5). Don’t just know it, but actually apply it to your life.

3.       Sponsor/Mentor – Find someone living the life you want who has overcame the struggles you are having. Have them show you how to accomplish your goals and attain your dreams. If you are going through the 12 steps, you want them to have worked the 12 steps. If you are using the Bible find someone well versed in it.

4.       Accountability Partner – I have a couple of friends that I have given permission to call me out if they see me having problems. It might be my attitude, depression, not going to groups or missing church. I also have a friend that has also struggled with addictions and found victory through Christ that I meet weekly for coffee. We share struggles, successes and give each other support and feedback. 

5.       Meetings - Narcotic’s Anonymous, Alcoholic’s Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, etc. This is a place where I hear people who are currently struggling and others who have found recovery. I am reminded of how strong addictions are, how much they can impact your life and that recovery is possible by both the newcomer and the old timer. Here is one of the best places to obtain hope that recovery is possible. Without hope recovery is impossible. I find more positivity and hope in one night of Celebrate Recovery than I did in 7 nights of the other recovery programs. That said, I still attend other recovery meetings because sometimes I feel the need for one when there is no CR available.

6.       Change your playmates– When I was an addict and a criminal, I hung out with addicts and criminals. When I was an alcoholic I hung out with binge drinkers and alcoholics. Like minded people hang out with like minded people. If you want to have a career and be financially stable hang out with people who have careers and financial stability. If you want to be in recovery hang out with people who are in recovery. Birds of a feather flock together and your friends will get you jacked up before you get them on the straight and narrow.

7.       Change your playgrounds – I went from hanging out in bars and clubs to working out and going to coffee houses and meetings. I found that being in bars, clubs and at the homes of people who partied was not conducive to my staying clean and sober. Adding new uncomfortable things to your life will help you make positive changes. Comfortable is what got many of us here. We need to switch it up and the best way is by filling our lives with new positive hobbies: working out, meetings, small groups, hiking, sports, community service, etc.
8.        Community Service - There is nothing that gives people hope and purpose more than rejoining with their communities and actively becoming part of them again. Working side by side with people who have not lived their lives the same way I lived mine yet they work next to me as together we make our communities stronger.

This is the short list of things to do. I will include this as well as many others in the book I am writing that I hope will be published by the end of next year entitled Spiritual Spackle: From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope. It is a look at my addiction, from early childhood abuse to adult criminality and the things I learned from it all that have led me to a life filled with hope in recovery. For now, apply what is lined out above and I can promise that you will never have to use again! After all, there is a Better Life in Recovery!!

Addict = All or Nothing

I wanted to call this blog, "Addict, All In" but I figured that might be a trigger for any gamblers who read this. Instead, I decided to call it Addict = All or Nothing. I called it that because all or nothing is the definition that I believe describes most addicts. There is also a purpose to this blog. That is to understand some of what drives me, and hopefully by proxy anyone who has struggled with an addiction in one form or another can understand a little more about themselves.

I am an addict. We will just get that out of the way now. When I say that I am an addict you should probably know at least one thing about me; I have impulse control problems. I get an urge to act on whatever my addiction might be to and I do it. I live my life by the Nike slogan, "Just Do It!" I am not saying it is right, it is simply what I do.

Once I act upon it, I go places people should not go. In fact, I go plaed most people would never go. I do not act like most people. I push the envelope with all that I do. Whether it is drinking, drugging, eating, etc. I go all out. I have trouble stopping once I begin. To me that is the hallmark of an addict.

Sadly, I am seldom that way with positive things. I once heard a guy at an NA meeting say the only thing he never did over the top was work the steps. I found that funny but true. When it comes to a lot of things in my past life such as drugs, alcohol or sex I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it right now. The only times I practiced patience (patience = procrastination) was when it might have been a positive thing.

I think the reason that occurs is because we stop liking ourselves. We run out of self-esteem and/or hope. Subsequently we immerse ourselves in something that takes our focus off of us and is quite often highly dangerous either physically, emotionally or psychologically. Quite often it is all 3. From there we become stuck in a rut where escaping, numbing or shifting focus becomes our only recourse.

That is why we work through the 12 steps. We begin to regain our self-esteem and start to like ourselves again. We accept responsibility for the good and bad things that have happened to us and that we have done. We work through our  hurts, habits and hang-ups. We accept that there are things that we have allowed to consume our lives that were negative and we set up interventions and supports so that does not happen again.

Even after I have  had my spiritual awakening, I am not cured. It does not change the fact that I am all or nothing. I still have impulse control problems. I just have to learn to find positive things to pour myself in to. Some people use one of the anonymous programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, etc. Others find faith-based groups such as Celebrate Recovery or Living Free while others use SMART Recovery or Rational Recovery groups.

I am not going to knock any of the groups I just mentioned, because they have all helped others. The best recovery group is one that you go to. Find what you get the most out of and go. Then share the hope you find with others and go all out doing it. As an addict I have had to come up with a new motto for my life. Years ago it was the James Dean motto, "Live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse."

Today my motto would be, "Finding a Better Life Exists" coupled with "Transforming Lives by Sharing Recovery." I also am partial to "From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope." The bottom line is this, if you are living your life to not only be a better person from one day to the next but to help the people you come into contact with live better lives too, you are doing something right. If you aren't living your life that way, you are doing something wrong.

If you want to be an addict, get addicted to making yourself better and sharing your strength, experience and hope with all of those you come into contact with. Here is to going all in...........when it comes to building up the community around you!

I'm Hacked Off

I was hacked off this week. Once again a friend relapsed, and it made me angry at first. I tried to figure out how anyone who has clean time could possibly relapse. Once you have several years and are seeing that life can be amazing without drugs/alcohol, what could possibly possess you to use again?

Then I remember the cunning, baffling and strong aspects of addiction and I calm down a little. While I calm down, I remember my relapses in the past. There were relapses with old friends I thought had quit using, new prescriptions after accidents and oral surgery, new friends I thought didn't use that did, hanging out in bars and having friends that used and feeling that I would be strong enough to always say no. I learned otherwise. But I always got back up!

Now, in the wake of my friends relapse I reflect on the things that have kept me clean and sober. I want to remind you right now that your addiction is in the back of your head: running on a treadmill, lifting weights and doing research on the computer! It is getting stronger and smarter each and every day, trying to figure out the best way to take your life over. This is to be avoided at all costs!!

If our addiction is getting stronger and smarter, we obviously need to keep our recovery even stronger than our addiction. The question is, how do we strengthen our recovery? I have to stick with the 5 Pillars of Recovery:

1. GET A HIGHER POWER (God, NA/AA Group, etc.) This is the foundation of your recovery! Your Higher Power needs to be something that can give you validation, love, compassion and acceptance. Door knobs need not apply.
2. GO TO MEETINGS (NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, small groups, etc.) Great place to meet like minded people, realize we are not the only ones who struggle and get some hope restored. Without hope, recovery is impossible.
3. GET A SPONSOR (Mentor) This is someone who is living their lives the way you would like to be living yours 5 years down the road and is willing to take the time to help you get there
4. STEP WORK (12 Steps) This is a set of things that we need to do in order to work through our addiction. The truth is, most of us are not working the steps for drugs/alcohol/food/pornography/etc. We have deep rooted problems that must be taken care of first and when we do that our addictions will begin to sort themselves out. Think of going to a doctor missing a finger and all he did was clean up the blood and then said you were better. Are you better? Of course not! He has not taken care of the problem, only a symptom of the problem. Our addictions are the same way, just a symptom of the real problems. We need to take care of the deeper issues and the 12 steps are the way to do it!
5. GET ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS (Friends that are positive and sober) These are people you can set up in your life who will help you stay on task. They will call you when you miss a meeting or don't show up at work just to tell you that you're missed and ask if everything is okay. They may even show up unannounced, drag you off of your pity-pot and take you out for coffee. 

If I have these 5 things in my life I need to also make sure that I pray and meditate every day. Working steps, going to meetings and working with a sponsor will cause issues to come to mind. We need to address these, and prayer and meditation is a great way to do that. If you don't have time, you need to make time. Some nights I don't get off of work until 9 PM, but I am still up at 4 AM the next morning to lift weights for 30 minutes then walk. Why do I do this?

I have found that taking a 30 minute walk most mornings allows me to focus on praying and meditating. I focus on the things that I am grateful for. Then I pray for: strength/courage/wisdom to accomplish what I need to that day, to make me a better husband/father, then help for my friends, family and others who are struggling. In addition I always pray for two things: To make me like Jesus and to use me this day as His hands and feet. This always gets my day off to a great start! 

BLiR VLog From 09/23/2012-09/29/2012

09/23 Why I Like Triggers (and So Should You)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zT0uaSs0mE

09/24 Progress Not Perfection

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikclmsaxLJo

09/25 You Love Me Anyway

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdBfep-RV6Y

09/26 What is the Best Recovery Meeting to Attend?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAo7RpMzHLU

09/27 Finding Balance in Your Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reooGV1WCVU

09/28 Overcoming Resistance to Attending Recovery Meetings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8rdbdHMVw8

09/29 Losing Weight/My Temple is a Shack

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wX-VZLs6Xf8

BLiR VLog 08/08 You Never Have to Use Again

My Journey of Addiction - From Fearing Death to Fearing Life to Living for Christ One Day at a Time

I can still remember the first time that I smoked marijuana. It was the summer before seventh grade. I had just moved to a new town called Highland and my dad worked overnights. I went for a walk the first night that I was there and saw a cluster of kids as I walked by the square. There were a couple that looked to be my age, but most looked older. As I walked by the square one of them called out to me.

As I walked over I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. One of the kids asked if he could bum a cigarette. I gave him one and we talked for a few minutes.  It came up almost immediately that I was new in town, and he told me what to expect when I started school. Looking back, it was typical stoner conversation, "School sucks because we don't fit in, the teachers try to fail us, the cops in this town sucks and everybody is out to get us."

Another kid came up and whispered in his ear then walked off. He turned to me and asked, "Are you cool?" Not knowing what that even meant, I said yes. He asked me if I smoked pot. I had no idea what pot was. I knew that I smoked cigarettes, so I said yes. We walked into the gazebo on the square and entered into a circle of kids passing around joints. I took my first hit of marijuana. I coughed like I had tuberculosis and everyone laughed. I continued to smoke in that circle.

By the time I left that night I was stoned and drunk. And I had friends. The two years that I had lived in Branson I had only made one friend. The entire time that I had lived in Peoria I had made one real friend. Both times, they lived right next to me and I was the only option their age. This time, it was different. I had multiple friends and most were older than I was. Suddenly, I had found my place in the world.

It felt good to be accepted. That weekend I went to a house party with the same kids. There were more kids there and some grown-ups. I smoked and drank again. That night I also used cocaine, tripped acid and had sex. Now I had a lot of friends who felt just like I did. Some of us were born to alcoholics and drug addicts, some of us were abused. Most of us were both. We were different, but we had each other.

I had found my niche, and the days of partying and fighting had began. I soon smoked every morning on the walk to school with a couple of friends. We did rush/poppers between classes and smoked again on the way home. We drank most weekends, fought a lot and took white crosses constantly. Cocaine was rare, it was only with adults at big parties. That was my 7th and 8th grade years. When I moved to Eldorado, it was just more of the same through high school.

I would never change all that I did and all that happened to me. It has all made me stronger and wiser. I do wonder what I would have done if it was someone other than my teachers and the "Just Say No" program telling me not to do drugs. Would I have done them? If someone could have told me where I would end up ten years later that I could relate to would my use of stopped, stayed the same or increased? I will never know.

All that I do know is that no intervention ever worked, and my use just increased. I ended up moving to Hollister, Missouri the summer before my senior year and hung out in Branson at the lakefront then went to keg parties most nights. I was also introduced to methamphetamine when I got to Branson.

That was were things really started to get bad, but I could always justify it. "I am only snorting and smoking it. It's not like it's going to kill me." I dropped out of high school because it got in the way of my partying. I could not place school and learning above partying and having sex. My journey from abuse to addiction landed me in jail and on house arrest. When I was 20 I graduated to prison. I got out when I was 21 and by that time I had spent about 10% of my life behind bars.

I still justified my drug use and the hustling that I did, because it was fun and I enjoyed doing it. I liked my life. You could even say that I loved my life. When I got out of prison I used meth intravenously for the first time, and my life was never the same. I still wanted to live, because shooting up felt like nothing I had ever done before. It was the most intense feeling that I had ever had. Now I know why.

Here is a quick lesson in brain chemistry. Dopamine is responsible for generating feelings of pleasure in our brain. It is the chemical that is released when we have an orgasm. When you do cocaine it releases almost twice the amount of dopamine that an orgasm does. Methamphetamine is 3 times stronger than cocaine. Our brain releases over 600% more dopamine when we do meth as when we have an orgasm. That is a level that is biologically impossible to reach without drug use. As addicts we soon find that nothing comes close to the euphoria we feel when we do meth, and we crave it. Soon that high becomes the only thing that matters, and we lose interest in everything else!

I slowly began to phase out my friends and family that did not use. I wanted nothing to do with them. I did not want to hear them preach at me. I began to miss family events like birthdays and Christmas. They were just not that important to me. I wanted to get high, and I was enjoying doing it. I could justify my drug use, because I was working full time (and hustling the rest). It got to the point that I would sleep one day a week, on Sundays. I would stay up from Sunday night through early Sunday morning.

I had a car accident a year or so after that, flying a Firebird 97 feet and 32 feet into the air. I was in the hospital for a while on opiates, and if you forward 6 months from the wreck I was addicted to opiates also. My use continued, and it got worse and worse. When I was 26 my sister found me unconscious in my bathroom with both of my wrists slit and blood every where. She called an ambulance, and they were able to save me.

My sister made me promise that I would never attempt suicide again. I promised her that I would not. I meant the promise when I made it. I even kept that promise, kind of. More on that later. I continued to party, and had gotten put back on probation just as my parole was ending. I rode out my probation for the first several years. I was always able to stop using 48-72 hours before I saw my probation officer and I would flush my system or use a Whizzenator.  I thought that I was doing okay, but I was wrong.

My addiction had gotten so bad that I shot up right before I saw my probation officer. Literally, the day before and again on my report day. When I got in, she took one look at me and said, "If I were to test you right now, what would I find?" I told her that I didn't know what she wouldn't find. Just like that, I was on my way to rehab.

I won't get too much into the details, but before I went to rehab I put everything that I had left in a spoon and used it. It should have killed me, but it didn't. Instead my sister drove me to detox. While I was in rehab, I thought that maybe they were right and I needed to quit. I completed residential, but did not do outpatient aftercare. I was doing great, or so I thought. I even started an NA meeting in my home. I was all about showing everybody how wrong they were about me, thinking that I would relapse. In the end they were all right. I made one major mistake, I kept the friends I had before I went to rehab. It is hard to stay clean when you are playing in the mud. I was bound to fail.

Finally one day I needed money, and the only way I knew how to make it was to do a burn. I made a batch of dope, and just like that I was back out there. It was actually worse this time around. The first 7 years of my life I had never overdosed. I overdosed 3 times over the next year. I always had to do more than everybody else.

I had a death wish. At one time, I would watch how much I did because I did not want to over do it. This time around, I didn't care. I had discovered something. I could not quit. I thought that I had it beat, but I discovered that methamphetamine owned me. I would do opiates, benzodiazepines, hallucinogens,  powder and rock cocaine. I would shoot up ice water and liquor just to feel the needle. It did not matter what you had, I would do it.

I soon found what my true addiction was. I was addicted to more. I wanted anything you had and would do all that you had. If it was sex, drugs, liquor, fighting or money. I wanted it and I wanted it all. The only thing that I did not want was to live. I would go to dope cooks houses that I did not even know, hoping that they would kill me. If I knew that someone was spun out and sketchy, I was there and would refuse to leave.


I had friends, but I couldn't trust them further than I could throw them. I had good dope, money and a house. They loved me for that, but they would steal from me given a chance. They were just like me, all about themselves. Sure they would have helped me hide bodies, but they would have hid mine too if the money was right. It was the drug world, and sometimes people just disappeared. Everyone thought that they had moved, but we usually knew better. Those were my running mates. I WAS NOT ALRIGHT!


I had promised my sister I would not kill myself, but I never told her that I wouldn't let someone else kill me. I have had people come at me with guns and knives. I egged them on. I WANTED TO DIE! I ended up with holes in my body that I was not born with.  I did stop breathing on several occasions, but I always came back to life. I hated my life, but it was all that I knew!


The reason that it all got so bad was that I had been running from feeling my whole life. I was abused as a child and felt like a loner. The only time that I felt like I fit in was when I was doing drugs with other people. We shared a connection. Drugs were the only stable relationship that I ever had. It never tried to take advantage of me, never lied to me and I always knew what to expect from it. Plus the rush was unlike anything that I had ever felt. But the downside was intense. I loved drugs, I loved the way they made me feel but I could not stand the people it brought into my life and I hated the person that they made me. They made me evil!

By the time I realized what it was doing to me, it was too late. I can remember seeing one of my friend's friends after he had overdosed. I walked into the bathroom and he was sagging against the wall and the toilet, dead. As I looked into his eyes I could only think one thing, "That sure looks nice. He finally looks calm and peaceful. I bet that feels great."

You see he no longer had to worry about the things that we as drug addicts have to worry about. He no longer had to fear someone sketching out and thinking he was an undercover or wearing a wire. He didn't have to play curtain patrol every 3 seconds because he knew that either the cops or the COMET (Combined Ozarks Multijurisdictional Enforcement Team) Drug Task Force was out there watching him. He no longer had to fear his friends, family and girlfriends were either turning him in or conspiring against him. His race was finished, he was done. He was at rest forever. I wanted that.  


To give you an example of where my life was at this time, if I got arrested with money in my pocket to bond out I would stay in county jail for a week or two. I could catch up on sleep, eat a bunch to gain weight and relax. I was calmer and less stressed in county jail than I was on the outside of jail in the real world. I wasn't institutionalized, but life as a drug addict is not all that it is cracked up to be. The combination of drugs and no sleep coupled with low-life friends (because I was a low-life too and we attract people just like us) sucks! It can only take you to dark places.  


I WAS A SOLDIER FOR SATAN! I can remember holding a cocked and loaded gun to my temple, contemplating pulling the trigger and hearing voices from these shapes that were darker than dark shout at me, "Do it. Pull the trigger and come home." I have seen shadow people in the corner while I was high and sometimes when I was not high watching me, always  watching. I have held a gun to someone else's head and been cheered on and encouraged by the same shadow people many think are fake. I tell you this for certain, after a while we become Satan's soldiers and do his bidding. 


Shadow people are real, and so is possession. When I was on meth and would get mad people  have seen my entire eye turn black. I have glimpsed myself out of the corner of my eye in the mirror and saw the demon that had possessed me. How can you not fear life when you are possessed by demons and they are all around you. When you see perfectly sane people doing insane things, that is not the drugs. That is the evil that pervades them. METH IS EVIL!


I know that some may think that I am crazy when I talk about this. I know that our minds can play tricks on us, especially when on drugs and not sleeping for days and weeks at a time. Imagining that you see people in the trees and seeing and hearing something in the room with you are two completely different things. I have talked to many a drug user and we have described seeing and hearing the same things. How is having the exact same experiences in different towns at different times possible. The only way is if it is real. I would see the same things in the corner daily, but in different corners. I believe that when we use we weaken our resolve and we become an easier target for the devil. If meth is evil, then when you do it demons can walk in through the door that you have already opened. I and many others have seen and heard them. 


How can you ever be happy. I feared life because I never knew what I would do next. My family thought that I was undependable but did not know half the truth. I never knew what I would do from one second to the next. I would be sitting shuffling cards one minute and go to the bathroom and come to an hour later playing Russian Roulette the next. I have months of my life that are just missing. I have no recollection of them. I sometimes still have nightmares of me doing things that I do not remember. 


Add to that all of the damage that was caused by the dope I had a part in making and the drugs I sold. How many people got high on my drugs then beat their wives or children? How many people got high off of what I created and raped or molested somebody? How much money did I get that should have been spent feeding neglected, starving children? How many people overdosed on my drugs? 


That is why towards the end of my addiction I was afraid to live. I knew all that I was responsible for, all that I had done, the things that had been done because of my drugs and that evil owned me. I WAS EVIL! Nothing good ever came of drugs, only evil! People in my life were only pawns and I had to use them before they would use me. Nothing good ever came of me, only evil. I hated myself. When I looked into the mirror all I saw was an evil person, a junkie and a convict. 


Don't get me wrong, I did not want to be that way. I tried everything secular to get off of drugs and away from alcohol. I was in jails, prison and rehabs. I saw psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors. I was given one mental health diagnosis after another and switched from medication to medication in order to fix me. I was beyond fixing and there was no natural cure. 


The problem wasn't that I was broken. I couldn't be fixed. The problem was that I had become evil. Friedrich Nietzsche talks about this, "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." My soul had become corrupted and I was left hopeless. Pretty nasty combination. I was devoid of all hope, and even though I wanted to die I was still here. I could not defeat drugs no matter what I tried and there is a reason for that. There is nothing worldly that can defeat spiritual corruption. 

There is only cure, and I have found it. I went to Christ in prayer. I was mired in drug use for 25 years, and never had more than 3 months clean the entire quarter century. I made a deal with God one night at 37, and since that night I have not used drugs, gotten drunk, or smoked a cigarette. I have devoted my life to Christ, and my life has been forever changed. When the Bible says, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH," it means what it says! I am living proof. After all of the near death experiences; trying to die and failing and wondering why I finally had the answer. There is so much I have yet to do to bring Christ to those who struggle with life-controlling issues!


That is all I do now. My life is a 12th step! My transformation has been talked about in multiple blogs on my site Spiritual Spackle. I share about recovery and the power of Christ when ever and where ever I can. I have talked on the radio, television, at colleges, churches, recovery centers, recovery groups (Narcotic's Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, etc.), seminars, conferences and to youth groups. I am now a substance abuse counselor. It is why I am starting a non-profit to share the dangers of addiction and the power of recovery with people across the state, eventually across the country and hopefully the world. Across the world is not out of reach, my blog has been read in almost 100 countries.  


GOD HAS PLACED ON MY HEART THE IMPORTANCE OF SHARING THE EVIL OF ADDICTION AND THE WONDERS OF RECOVERY WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS I CAN. Please feel free to repost and share this blog and my site with as many people as you can. We are on facebook under Spiritual Spackle and Better Life in Recovery . Stay tuned as the non-profit BETTER LIFE IN RECOVERY begins to come together and let us know if you can help in any way with it coming to fruition. Here is a link about what we are doing and what our needs are:    http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/05/better-life-in-recovery-documentary.html I also am a little over half done writing a book that should be out next year about my addiction and what I learned in overcoming it tentatively called Spiritual Spackle. 


Thanks for taking the time to read this blog. It is probably the longest I have ever written, but it is also the most honest I have been. Methamphetamine, and addiction in general, are evil and linked to at least 80% of the evil in this world: murders, rape, child abuse, child molestation, suicide, cruelty to animals, etc. We need to bring an end to it, and I am hoping that Better Life in Recovery will help us reach youth with a more effective intervention than what is currently being done.  

It's Hard to Stay Clean When You're Standing in the Mud

So now you have decided to get clean. You realize it is not going to be easy, but you are going to go to a residential rehabilition center for 20 days to start your sobriety off right. Then when you complete residential you are going to go to Narcotics Anonymous (or Alcoholics Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, Reformers Unanimous, etc.). You are going to work the 12 steps with a sponsor that you will find, or maybe already have.

"I am going to have a sponsor, a mentor, accountability partners, go to recovery meetings, church and work the 12 steps," you tell yourself and anybody that will listen. "This time, it is going to be different. This time, I am going to stay clean and sober when I get out of rehab!"

As a substance abuse counselor, I can't tell you how many times I hear this said by people who completely mean it. They are done with drugs and alcohol for a myriad of reasons. They might have had their children removed by Children's Division,  or they have been arrested. Sometimes they are in drug court, or they have come to the realization that the next time they relapse will be the one that kills them. Maybe they just want their old life back.

Having these reasons listed in the last paragraph coupled with the supports in the paragraph second paragraph would seem to be enough to accomplish long-term sobriety. Nope!! For some reason, many people fail after leaving residential and they almost all tend to have the same thing in common. In fact, I know that a lot of my clients will relapse before they even leave residential treatment. I even let them know. A lot of times the other clients even let them know what they need to change, but yet they still do it.

So what is it? What is this thing that time and time again causes people to relapse, even after they are warned multiple times about it? I call it mud. And it is hard to stay clean when you are standing in the mud! So what is it that I call mud? Some would call it love, other's familiarity. Basically, it is the relationships that we have in our lives. It could be your best friend since kindergarten. It could be the person you have been dating for several years. It could be your spouse, your sibling or even a parent. It could be their house or the bar.

It could be anyone or any place, but they all have one thing in common. They are bad for your recovery because they are still engaged in substance abuse, alcoholism or criminal activities or they are happening there. You have got to get rid of these people. Family, you can love them from a distance. Friends and significant others, you just have to let them go.

There is a reason for this. Your addiction is in the back of your head: lifting weights, running on a treadmill and doing research on a computer. It is getting stronger and smarter, just looking for a way to get back into the front of your head. It will use any means necessary to get you to relapse, especially our old playmates. If you are around it, you will do it. The question no longer becomes whether or not you will relapse, but instead WHEN WILL YOU RELAPSE? It is inevitable.

The Bible says bad association spoils useful habits. I think of a song by Rascal Flatts called "Moving On." In the song they say, "I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different but they're always the same. They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change. But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong, I'm moving on!" If you want your life to change, you have to change it. You have to move on, staying rooted to people and places spells doom!

If you continue to live in addiction and chaos you will get caught up eventually, guaranteed. Like the program says, if you sit around a barber shop eventually you're going to get a hair cut. I say, if you sit around the mud long enough, eventually your going to get dirty! The reason is that your addiction is strong and it just gets stronger. It never takes a day off! Drugs and alcohol are everywhere, and if you stay around people who are still using or go to places where people use, eventually you will too.

If you want your life to change, you have to change everything about it. You cannot hold on to any one part of your life, or the Devil will use that to find a way back into your life. So how do we combat our addiction? There are a few steps that we have to take. If we take them, I have never seen anyone that was doing all of these fail:

1. Put God first in everything that you do! This means we pray, read the Bible and meditate daily!
2. Attend recovery meetings consistently (NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, etc.)
3. Get a sponsor or mentor
4. Work the 12 steps with that sponsor/mentor 
5. Apply the 12 steps to our lives (Knowing and doing are 2 completely different things!)
6. Get accountability partners 
7. Get rid of your old playmates 
8. Stay away from your old playgrounds
9. Find positive playmates and new playgrounds to frequent (We need to fill our lives with positive people and things, or the negative people and activities will find their way back into our lives)

Stinking Thinking Part 1: Would You Stick Your Hand in a Nest of Rattlesnakes?

There are several reasons that people relapse. Most of the reasons that people relapse are due to either "Stinking Thinking" or complacency. I would like to look at several of the different types of stinking thinking that occur, and what they seem like to me. I have found that when you give examples that can be visualized, it tends to make more sense. Due to how some of us learn, we need to have examples that are a little extreme to make us understand the situation better.

Let me clear this up; drugs kill people all of the time. In 2009 the National Center for Health Statistics reported that over 60,000 people died in the United States from drugs or alcohol. That is not to mention the number of people who died from collateral damage, such as cirrhosis, suicide, homicide, etc. Comparatively, rattlesnakes killed  no more than 5-7 people per year. You would be about 1,000 times more likely to get killed by drugs and/or alcohol yet we still use them. If you are wondering what snakes have to do with this, stick around.

Basically, you should be more worried about the drug use. Yet we put ourselves in dangerous positions for relapsing. We will go visit our old friends or family that are still actively using, finding any excuse that we can to be around them. We will invent reasons to have people over to our house even when we know that they are either in active addiction or we are pretty sure that they are no longer using. My favorite excuses follow (Blanks are filled in with whoever the person is, either friend or family):

1. _______ told me that they stopped using last week, so I want to go to their house and hang out to help them stay sober.
2. Well it is my ________, what do you expect me to do? Tell them that they can no longer be part of my life?
3. _______ promised me that they would not use around me if I come over.
4. _______ told me that if they come over to see me, they will leave it in their car.
5. I can be around it and not use.

The truth is, these are all very bad scenarios to put yourself in. The reasons vary, and I will address each of them in turn. For starters, why would you want to go to the house of someone that just quit using? Why would you want to have them over to your house? Those are recipes for disaster. You could offer to meet them at an NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery or Living Free meeting if they want to be around you. If they are truly trying to be sober/clean, they will meet you there. If they aren't serious, you will know that when they are not showing up for meetings.

As for people who you have had in your life for a while; length of knowing them is not reason to be around them. I don't care if they are your mother or father. If they are using, it is a recipe for disaster! Many people have used with their parents, brothers/sisters and best friends. We may have known people for our entire lives, but that does not matter when it comes to staying sober. It reminds me of a message I heard on an answering machine once. "Hi, this is ________. I am not home right now because I am busy making changes. If I don't return your call, it's because you are one of the changes I am making."

We may have to make changes that hurt. We may have to be uncomfortable for a while. That is okay, what we are comfortable doing is what got us to where we are today. For a lot of us, that is not a good place. What I am comfortable doing hospitalized me, killed me, got me put in prison and took away my friends that had futures. You have to ask yourself this question: "Is being around ______ worth losing my freedom and possibly my life over?"

What about those great friends and glorious family members that let us know that they will not use around us? They care about us so much that they would rather be around us high and stay in our lives and risk our sobriety than just not be around us at all and know that we are sober and trying to do better. What good friends...........

After I quit doing drugs I moved to Springfield. I ended up working at Ruby Tuesdays in the Battlefield Mall for 6 years to put myself through college. A couple of times a year I would see one of my friends, we will call him B, that I used to deal drugs with. Every time I saw him our interaction was the same. He would stand at the front of the restaurant and I would see him. I would walk up to the door and he would disappear by the time I got to the front of the restaurant into the mall. I never got a chance to speak to him, because he was gone. The year after I quit working at Ruby Tuesdays I was in the mall doing some Christmas shopping. I was tapped on the shoulder and it was B. Conversation went as follows:

"David, I heard you had got clean. How have you been doing?"
"So now you want to talk to me! Why have you avoided me? I have seen you probably a dozen times, and every time that I would come up to talk to you, you were gone. What's up with that?"
"Sorry, I just wanted you to know that I was still alive. I had heard that you had gotten clean and I did not want you tempted to get high again from being around me high or by asking me for some."
"So why are you talking to me know? I guess that means you are doing good?"
"I actually got clean a year ago, David, but I am not doing well. I got caught, and I have to turn myself in next month to do 10 years."

We then went to Ruby Tuesdays and got something to eat. Over lunch he updated me on all of the people we used to run with who were either still alive and using, in prison or dead. I was the only one who dealt that he knew had gotten out from the group we used to hang out with. Can you guess what the lesson to this story is? He was my friend, and because he was my friend he refused to talk to me. He knew that by talking to me he could jeopardize the new life I was creating.

The logic behind what he did is simple. I used drugs/alcohol with him. He knows that it is something that I have an affinity to. Because of that, I may be tempted if he were to be around. If not today, then maybe 6 months down the road when I have a bad day. Maybe I get fired, or some one that I care about dies. I see him, I ask him for drugs and I use. It is that simple. I will actually elaborate on it more in the second post about Stinking Thinking.

What does all of this combined mean, and why did I talk about rattlesnakes earlier? Because I want to ask you a question: "Would you stick your hand in a box of live rattlesnakes?" Of course not, that would be insane! Yet when we go to places that may have drugs and/or hang out with people who might be actively using it is the same thing as sticking your hand into a nest of rattlesnakes because "they might not bite me."

That is insane, and only stinking thinking would allow us to make such a bad decision. You would never stick your hand into a box of rattlesnakes because you might get bit. There is a possibility of it, just like there is a possibility of relapse if you are around drugs and alcohol. That relapse could be the one that kills you. Why would you risk your life on a possibilitythat you might not relapse? The truth is, being around negative playmates and playgrounds leads to one statement. "I now no longer ask if you will relapse, but when will you relapse?"

Your addiction is in the back of your head. It is lifting weights, running on the treadmill and reading books. It is getting stronger and smarter, trying to get from the back of your mind into the front again. If you want to keep it out of the front of your brain, you remove temptations and reminders! There is no reason to hang out with users. To quote McGruff the Crime Dog, "Users are losers and losers are users."

The best way to remain sober is to stay around sober people/places and avoid people who use and places that drugs and/or alcohol may be found at. We are not about losing, we are about winning!

Documentary Update - Almost November

So, yesterday I went to my email and saw the most beautiful thing:

Hi David!

Congratulations! Your Pepsi Refresh Project idea Inform YOUTH of addiction's DANGER and recovery's POWER through FILM!! has been randomly selected for review out of all the submissions we received this month.

You’re one step closer to getting your idea out there! But before your idea can be posted for public voting, we need to review it to make sure it meets the Pepsi Refresh Project’s Official Application Guidelines. If it doesn’t meet all requirements, it won’t be posted. On the first day of next month, we’ll let you know if your idea has been approved and will be up for voting. After that, you would begin promoting your idea for a chance to receive a Pepsi Refresh Project Grant!

Thanks for participating in the Pepsi Refresh Project. Keep at it! It’s because of you, your votes and your participation that we’ve made a difference in refreshing the world.

 
Instead it will contain personal stories of those who have waged war with addictions, from drugs to alcohol to food, and came out victorious. It will not glorify or show pictures, but instead contain stories that will show the cost of addiction and how innocently it can start yet how horrific it can become. Since this is what it contains, it should be okayed for one of the projects that get voted on in November. 

I am so ready for the month of November. On November 1st the voting will start and by the end of November we need to be one of the top (I am shooting for top 5) vote getters in the $25,000 category. The top 15 get awarded the $25,000 grant that will enable them to begin their project. I would love to get this grant as it will enable this documentary to get shot and be available for us to begin showing it in schools, colleges, detention centers and other various community venues. 

Here is what I need from you:

1. Come November 1st be prepared to vote daily the entire month for this project 
2. Inform your friends and family so that they can vote also
3. Try to get the word out to your schools and colleges to your fellow students, professors and teachers(if you need flyers they will be posted the first day of November on http://www.betterlifeinrecovery.com/ [which will not be up for several weeks from today] once we are in for sure)
4. Talk to your college departments and see if you can post the flyers on the billboard and don't forget to share it with your professors and fellow students (see flyer information on 3)
5. Get the word out at your job to coworkers (at lunch, breaks, staffings, etc. see flyer information on 3)
6. Get the word out at your church (see flyer information on 3 and if you are in Southern Missouri we will talk to your church ourselves if you would like)
7. Get the word out to your youth group (see flyer information on 3 and if you are in Southern Missouri we will talk to your youth group ourselves if you would like)
8. Share it with your Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, Addicts Victorious, Alcoholics Victorious or other Recovery Group (see flyer information on 3 and if you are in Southern Missouri we will talk to your recovery group ourselves if you would like)
9. Get the word out to your small group (see flyer information on 3 and if you are in Southern Missouri we will talk to your church ourselves if you would like)
10. Put a copy of the flyer up in your break room at work
11. Talk about voting to your peers at school, whether you are in junior high, high school or college (this documentary is for you)
12. If you know a DJ, share the information with them to talk about on the radio and you can get them in contact with me if they would like to interview me on the air if in Southwest Missouri
13. Put the information up on your blog or share my blogs about the project on a daily basis
14. Put the information up on your Facebook, MySpace, or other social networks and tweet about it (Shoot, now I have to get a twitter account and I swore I would not do that)
15. Remind everyone you know daily by email, text, social network or tweet to vote daily the entire month of November!!!!
16. Do not forget that there is also a video that will be up on the site and is already under documentaries on this site that is a one minute synopsis of what we are doing and why it is both different and needed

Thank you very much for the buy in and help on this. It is and will be appreciated more than you will ever know. We will have a new site up just for this project in the next couple of weeks at http://www.betterlifeinrecovery.com/ that you will be able to visit. It will have the link to vote and the information on the 1st of November as well as the flyer you can put up and hand out as soon as we find out that we have been approved after the final review process. 

AGAIN, THANK YOU IN ADVANCE. I KNOW THAT WITH YOUR HELP WE CAN AND WILL COME OUT VICTORIOUS AND THROUGH THE SHOWING OF THIS VIDEO SO CAN MANY WHO ARE ALREADY USING AND THOSE WHO HAVE YET TO BEGIN!!!!!! If you have any questions or would be interested in either helping us or sharing your story, let me know!

I could not have been happier! This means that out of all the grant ideas that Pepsi received ours was one of the 1,500 that was randomly selected. It will now go through a final  review to insure that it does not go against any of the policies that they have for their grants. It cannot promote any particular religion, glorify drugs or alcohol, contain images of drugs or alcohol, promote a political party, contain nudity or profanity. There are also some other policies that they have to review also. Our documentary project, entitled "Better Life In Recovery" does none of that. 

Iron Sharpens Iron Part 2 - Change your Playmates

When they refer to playmates they are literally referring to the people that we spend time with. There are people in our lives who engage in the activities that we are trying to no longer engage in. We tend to surround ourselves with people we feel comfortable around.  When I first enter into a new lifestyle, I need to surround myself with people who will support the way I now choose to live.

This is actually one of the most difficult things to do. We may have used drugs with our brother, sister, husband or wife. We may drink with our parents and all of our friends. We may not have any friends at all that do not do drugs or drink. We may not, when we look at our lives realistically, have any true friends.

When I have someone ask me what a true friend is, I ask them the same question, “If you had $1,000 dollars on your dresser and you were leaving the house and your friend were staying, would you hide the money before you left? Or would you be confident that the money would still be there when you came back?” What most of my clients find out is that the people they thought were friends are generally nothing more than acquaintances?

In my past, I had friends that would have taken a bullet for me. They would have helped me hide bodies! But they also would have helped hide mine if they could have made any money on it. The truth is, they were only my friend because they either wanted what I had, what they could get from me, because I had good drugs, could get rid of their drugs, did drugs with them or because they were scared of me. It is really hard to admit it, but I had very few true friends.

Here is a story that I will relate about finding out one of my old acquaintances was truly a friend. I moved when I got clean. I knew that I could not stay clean and still live where I had been a drug dealer for so long. I moved to Springfield, and I worked at a local restaurant in the mall. I saw one of my old friends several times over the course of five years. Every time that I saw him he would catch my eye, then turn around and leave the restaurant. I had not been working at the restaurant for a year, but was at the mall Christmas shopping when I saw my old friend again. He walked up to me and asked me how I had been doing.

“I have been doing really well, but I have to ask you a question," I replied. "How come every time I've seen you since I left Branson, you have seen me and immediately left the place I was at?"

"It was because I was still dealing drugs, and I knew that you weren't anymore. I did not want to be a temptation to you."

“So why are you talking to me now?” I asked.

"Because I am no longer doing drugs. In fact, I have been off of drugs and out of that lifestyle for a year now. Unfortunately, I had old charges that came up and I have to turn myself in to complete a federal prison sentence in January. I was actually hoping to run into you, I just wanted you to know that I got clean to."

After that he and I caught up on what was going on with the old crew that I used to hang out with. It consisted mostly of people in prison and people who were no longer alive. As I say goodbye to him, it dawned on me that he was actually a true friend. He knew that I could probably not maintain the lifestyle I was living if we were to remain friends. So instead of being a negative influence, he chose to not be in my life at all. Honestly, I had very few friends who did not do drugs when I finally got off of drugs.

There's a reason for that. In addiction we tend to chase away the people who do not do what we do (drugs, alcohol, etc). We stop being friends with people who truly care about us, because they tend to want to see us improve our lives. They remind us of the negative things that we are currently doing. So instead, we surround ourselves with people that do not have our best intentions at heart.

The Bible in 1 Corinthians 15:33 states that, “Bad company corrupts good character.” And Proverbs 13:20 says," He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm."

It sounds like maybe we need to make positive friends. It is hard to learn how to be sober if we hang around with drunks. It is hard to stop committing crimes if we hang out with criminals. If we want to make changes in our lives, we have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make those changes. This includes no longer hanging out with our old playmates and beginning to hang out with new ones. Aerosmith, in their song Amazing, say it best, “I kept the right ones out, and let the wrong ones in.”

Do not get me wrong. I still have friends from my past who are in my life and others who are not. There are some things I will not be around. I do not hang out with criminals, nor do I hang out with people who are doing drugs. I do not run around with people who break the law either. I believe in self-determination. I have found out that I cannot change my friends, just as other people could not change me while I was still active in my addiction. I have found the best way to be there for those types of friends is for me to live my life right.

That said, there are people from my past that I'm still friends with. For example, look at the people that I used to be friends with when I was an alcoholic. Many of them still drink. A couple of my best friend still drink, yet I still will go out with them. I will meet them for dinner and a movie. After the movie is over, I will go home and they will go to the bar. I feel that one of the best ways we can minister to others is by still being their friends. That does not mean that we put ourselves in danger situations, but that we still are friends with them.

So where do I find new playmates, you may be asking yourself. There are 12 step recovery groups (Alcoholic's Anonymous, Narcotic's Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free), church groups, community support groups, therapy groups and even online support groups. These kinds of groups are important for several reasons. For starters, we have a chance to be around people who know where we have been and can relate to us. This generally stops people from being judgmental. Secondly, we get to be around people who will share with us their strength, experience and hope. Finally, we get to learn new behaviors by people who actually exhibit them.

Proverbs 27:17," as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

When I began to hold myself accountable, I also needed to be around others who would help me be accountable. It is really difficult for me to make wise choices when I hang out with people who are not making those same choices themselves. If I want to begin a new lifestyle, I need to ensure that I hang out with people who also follow that lifestyle. I have found that the best way to do that is by being around people who were where I want to be. That does not mean when I have outgrown people, that I am no longer their friend. What that does mean is that I am constantly finding new people to become friends with.

I have found a sponsor, who is someone who helped me work through the 12 steps, which I am a huge advocate of when working through difficult issues that we are trying to overcome. I am best helped by someone who has lived through what I am living through. They have the wisdom that I need in order to succeed. 

As you can see, changing our playmates, playgrounds and playthings needs to happen in order to successfully achieve a new way of living. These are major pieces that are an integral part of our recovery puzzle that needs to be completed in order for us to be kept from anything that causes us harm or separates us from God.

Iron Sharpens Iron Part 1- Change your Playgrounds

There are multiple things that are talked about that will allow you to make positive lifestyle changes. Some of the most important things that they talk about are your playmates, playgrounds and playthings. These are three of the major obstacles/barriers that exist in our environment and that keep us from making beneficial changes.

When they refer to playgrounds, they are talking about the places that you frequent. As a substance-abuse counselor, I tell people that they should avoid their old playgrounds. As a Christian, I tell people that they may not want to frequent their old hangouts also. I tell everyone that is making changes that they need to not only be aware of where they partake of their hobbies at but also the hobbies they engage in. The hobbies they engage in are referred to as playthings.

When they mention play things, they're talking about triggers. Triggers are the things in our life that make us think of the habits we are trying to rid ourselves of.

1. If you are trying to work on financial issues, credit cards may be a trigger for you. Cutting up your credit cards may be a good idea for you.

2. If you're an alcoholic, fishing may be a trigger for you. In the future, you may want to only go fishing with sober people who were supportive of your sobriety.

3. If you like to fight or have anger issues, heavy metal concerts and bars may be triggers for you. I know that they were for me. I did not stop going to concerts, instead I switched to worship music. I found that it tends to uplift me and fill me with hope instead of causing anger in me.

4. For those who suffer from depression, isolation may be a trigger for you. It was for me. I came up with an action plan for things to do when I began to isolate which included calling a sponsor and accountability partners. We will discuss those when we get to playmates.

5. What if you're addicted to video games? I found that a good thing to add to my life was reading the Bible, attending small groups, and actually spending time with my wife and my son.

We also need to ensure that we are aware of the places that are dangerous to our overcoming the habits we are trying to change, or our living a Christian lifestyle. If you continue to frequent your old haunts you are putting yourself at risk of once again engaging in behaviors you are trying to stop. Do not give relapse, sin or the devil a foothold in your life. When we frequent places of ill repute that is what we do.

Listed below are a couple examples:

1. If you are an overeater, there may be a bakery that you pass by on our way home from work that he would always stop at. Would it not be wiser to change your route going home than it would be to drive by the bakery every day? Remove your object of temptation.

2. If you have a sexual addiction, why would you ever go to a bar or a club? This is the last place I would ever go to. For starters, the temptation to pick somebody up will always exist there. Most bars and clubs are nothing more than meat markets. Secondly, inebriated people are not that much fun to hang out with if you are sober.

3. I was an alcoholic. I also enjoy playing softball a lot. I always played softball at the fields that had bars at them. When I stopped drinking, I found a league that was played in a park that did not serve alcohol. This was a good idea because if alcohol was not available to me I would not drink. Also because there is no alcohol there, there do not tend to be any fights there like at the fields that serve liquor.

4. I enjoy playing pool and bowling. I am not good at either of them, but I do enjoy them. There are multiple bowling alleys in the town I live in. There are also multiple places that I could play pool at. There is a Christian bowling alley in the town I live in that also has a pool table. Therefore I can play pool and bowl in a place that has no liquor served at it. Once again, if there is no temptation than it is less likely that I will stumble.

Do the above examples make sense? Why would you tempt fate? If I have a box of rattlesnakes, I am not going to stick my hand in there on the off chance that they might not bite me. That is what we do when we frequent places we should not. We basically play Russian roulette with our new lives.

The Bible even supports this. In Proverbs 14:11 it says, “The house of the wicked will be destroyed, but the tent of the upright will flourish." Why would you want to hang out in a house that you know will be destroyed? Would it not be better to hang out in a place that will flourish? I would certainly think so.

X Factor's Chris Rene performs "Young Homie" & A Word of Advice

Just a quick blog about the X-Factor and an audition that I just saw. It was a kid named Chris Rene who stated that he was 70 days clean and that he had just got out of rehab. When he said that he was going to do an original song, I instantly smelled disaster. You never want to do an original song in front of the judges. LA Reid and Simon Cowell both turned and looked at each other with dread in their eyes. Simon turned back with a smug look ready to chasitise Chris when his audition was over. As it started you could see the looks change, and by the time he got to the chorus he had won over the judges completely.

I personally was delighted to have been wrong. Instead of hearing what I expected, I was blown away. It was original, it was fresh and it was relevant. It was a song about him changing his life and seeing how the using and the violence of the streets solves nothing, it only hurts us, keeps us seperated from and shortens the time we have on Earth to spend with the one's that we love. 

In the intro he talks about how he started with THC, moved to alcohol and then to coke and meth and from there it was all over. It is a progression that I have seen often in clients and in myself. By the time you realize that you are an addict and that using sucks it feels like it is too late to quit.

Chris also spoke of the guilt and shame that broke him. That is a familiar story in addiction circles. Often the drugs, alcohol, food, money (insert your what here) is simply a symptom of the real problem. The real problem is often us trying to numb and escape from the shame, guilt, trauma, depression, anxiety, loneliness, self-loathing, etc that we are experiencing. Once we realize that it helps temporarily we begin to use more and more until eventually we are always numb.

Once this stage is reached, it is nearly impossible to make the change alone. We need to seek help from people who have fought this demon and can relate to us. If I want to learn to fight, I learn it from people who have experience fighting and know how to win. That is found in recovery groups all over the world, a brotherhood of people in recovery willing to share their strength, faith and hope with us.

You can tell that LA Reid has obviously worked with people who have been in addiction. When he says that if he calls he better not talk to sister or mother or girlfriend, but it had better always be Chris who answers that phone and talks to him to let him know that he is okay you know what LA Reid has experienced before. You know that he has had one addict or another having someone who loves them lie for them. Funny how we make the people who love us lie for us over and over again. We drag them down to our own spiritually sick level. We basically attempt to destroy their spirituality as well as our own in our addiction.

All that said, I wish Chris the very best. This will be a long road and one that is impossible to accomplish without a brotherhood of people in recovery that have his back. He will need to stand strong and create some very firm boundaries with people. You know that if he wins $5 million, all of his old playmates (druggin' and thuggin' buddies) are gonna come hunting him down. His "homies" will be right back in his face, trying to romance him with thoughts of the good old days and how they were always there for him.

I hope that his sober support system and his love for his little boy are enough to bring him through the rough times, and that he always remembers where he once was. Playmates and playgrounds are dangerous. If he hangs out with his old "buddies" the question is not IF he will relapse, but WHEN he will relapse.

My advice to Chris Rene would be to continue doing three things. First and foremost are one form of 12 step recovery meeting; whether it is NA, AA, Living Free or Celebrate Recovery keep attending those meetings 2-3 times a week. The second thing is having a sponsor and accountability partners that will be there for and with him to watch his back, give him sage advice and positive support on a daily basis. Third is that he continue to work the 12 steps on a daily basis for the rest of his life. When he says that there is always a chance, and always a choice he is absolutely right. But in the end, it is up to you to make the right choice. Narrow is the road to recovery, and broad is the road to relapse. That is why the daily working of the 12 steps is so important.

The 12th step is the most important step in the road to overcoming the guilt and shame that he says broke him. It allows us to turn all of the negative choices that we and the people in our lives made around and find a positive purpose for them occurring. By his owning his addiction and talking about it on a platform as big as the X Factor stage shows that he is unafraid to work his 12th Step. I only pray that he set him self up for success and have the ability to continue rocking that 12th step, and never forget the first 11.

 So, here are the lyrics to Young Homie followed by the audition. This is my shout out to a song about recovery from one new to the fold! God bless you Chris, stay strong and stay sober!!

I open up my mind with these spoken words,
Let this music heal like an overture,
She’s the only one,

And so I roll with her,

That’s how it’s supposed to be,
Living life with loved ones close to me,
Shh, this is the remedy,
And I got the recipe, I don’t need no Hennessy,
Yeah, it’s been two months now,
Haven’t had a drink and I’m starting to see clear now,
I’m putting all my fears down,
I can hear the cheers now,
Seeing peace signs when I look around,

Hey, young homie what you trippin' on
Looking at life, like how did I get it wrong,
But life’s too short, gotta live it long,
To my brothers and sisters when will we get along,
Hey, big homie what you trippin' on,
What you really trippin' on,
Life’s too short, gotta live it long,
To my brothers and sisters when will we get along

Give peace to the war in the streets,
Give peace to the evil that creeps, yeah,
It takes education, to change your reputation,
From good to bad, you're even better now you’re elevating,
They be singing, family singing, everybody’s chilling,
Not gonna stop this, living on the feeling,
Man this is the real thing, tell me can you feel me,
So wait until they drop this, dancing on the ceiling,

Hey, young homie what you trippin' on
Looking at life, like how did I get it wrong,
What you really trippin' on life’s too short, gotta live it long,
To my brothers and sisters when will we get along,
They never thought I'd make it this far
Look now here we are,
See I never thought I'd take it this far.

VIDEO WITH HIS STORY AND SONG

JUST THE SONG