Why I'll Never Use Again

I spent a majority of my life transitioning from one phase to the next in my spiritual walk. I have run the gamut from Jehovah’s Witness to atheist and back to a follower of Christ over the course of my life. I now know I will spend the rest of my life growing spiritually and never truly reaching the apex of my spiritual walk. I am perfectly okay with that. It is all about progress, not perfection.

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents went to church three times a week, and I went with them. Then I was molested by someone from my church, watched my father as his alcoholism progressed and witnessed my mother and father screaming at each other on the way to church then get out with fake smiles on their faces once we got there acting like we were the perfect family. By the time my mother left my dad and sent us to live with her father, I was lost and confused. My grandfather was an atheist, and he was also the most evil and abusive person I have ever met. My family leeched my hope and trust in anything from me.

I knew that I wanted to be nothing like any of them, so I became agnostic. There might or might not be something there, I was unsure. This is basically the flip flop option of spirituality. I refuse to commit to one side or the other, instead I balance on the fence with a precipice on either side I am unwilling to jump in to. Over time, I did commit to one side. I leaped headfirst into the atheist side. I could belittle others for their beliefs in that fairy tale they called religion. I felt that this side made me smarter, and if nothing I did really mattered that I could continue to live the life I wanted to.  After all, everything was random.

As an addict, I lacked concern for anything other than my next high or drunk. Anything that hindered that was my enemy. As an atheist, i lacked accountability. Those two combined for a perfect storm of problems for other people. 

I could manufacture and sell methamphetamine without really caring about its' impact on other people. I could seriously hurt people over tiny amounts of money (or for no reason at all) and not worry about any spiritual repercussions. I could steal from anyone, sleep with whoever I wanted to and leave them immediately after with no concerns other than legal ramifications.

Life was easy and uncomplicated. Unless the police caught me, I would never be held responsible for the things that I did. Even if they caught me, I would still never have to answer for EVERYTHING that I had done to people either intentionally or as collateral damage. My life was all about me.

I was a narcissistic hedonist. As long as I felt pleasure, it had to be right. After all, if this life was all there is, why should I not enjoy it? If it hurt someone else, that was not my fault. The law of the jungle applies, and only the strong survive. If you were weaker than me or had some kind of issue or instability, I could care less about you.

EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY! Life was too short not to live it up. I grabbed onto the James Dean mantra, live life fast and leave a good looking corpse. Carpe Diem, seize the day. After all, I could be dead tomorrow. As my addiction progressed, that changed. In my depression, I began to wish I could die. Hopelessness grew. I attempted suicide, and would have been successful if my sister and had not found me unconscious in a pool of blood. I would use to the point of overdose. I would drink and drive. I have played Russian Roulette multiple times; just me, a revolver and a single bullet. I had promised my sister I would not commit suicide and I justified Russian Roulette because it was chance.

Then I reached a point of no return, a true rock bottom that I have talked about in several other blogs. After trying jail, house arrest, probation, prison, parole, inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, 12 step programs, sponsors, medication and abstinence I did not know what else to do. When I reached the bottom of my barrel, I tried something I had long before given up on, God. I prayed, and struck a deal with God that I immediately tried to renege on the next day. But I couldn’t and I didn’t. It stuck.

I know that not everyone has the same results that I did. I prayed one day and made a deal with God. He upheld his end and I have tried to uphold mine. I have not drank, used drugs, smoked cigarettes, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight outside of a ring since that prayer. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know that I don’t have to use today.

Over time I have removed using tomorrow from the table as well. I now that I have another relapse in me. We all do. I also know that I am unsure if, in fact quite certain that I don’t, have another recovery left in the tank. I am pretty positive that the next time I use will kill me. The only relapse I have had was for 7 years and I overdosed 3 times. I have died more times than I can count on one hand and I am pretty sure I am not a cat, so I could quite possibly be out of second (or 7th) chances. 

Today I have too much to live for. I have a wife, 2 beautiful children and an amazing life. Plus, I know the damage my addiction caused and I take responsibility for that. Because of me and my drugs, lives were lost. I don’t want to ever be a part of that process again. I am here to deal hope, not steal it. I am here to save lives, not take them. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope and I will never go back to the way I used to be because I love the person I have become!

I see the damage that I caused in the lives of others. I was like a tornado and I left a trail of chaos and carnage in my wake.  I see the anger that I began to possess and spew while I was an atheist. I have found that neither of those choices are good for me. They are both colors that I should leave out of my wardrobe because they are unflattering. I am not saying that all addicts and atheists are the same way, but I was. I cannot be a hope dealer while I am bitter, angry and hopeless. I cannot help others when I am not even able to help myself. I had to change. I found the 5 Pillars of Recovery worked for me, as did following the platinum rule.

The 5 Pillars of Recovery

1.       Higher Power – I found Jesus. Okay, not really. It was not that Jesus was lost, I was. I gave God a chance. I turned my will and my life over to God and things have just been better. I have had experiences in my life that have convinced me that God is real! I would say my sobriety and lifestyle are living proof that God exists!!

2.       Game Plan – I use both the Bible and the 12 steps to carve out a better life for myself.

3.       Meetings – I won’t lie, I attend a lot of them on occasion. Every week I attend my Celebrate Recovery home group and attend a small group. I am also known to go to AA and NA meetings as well. Find what works best for you and then go, consistently and regularly.

4.       Sponsor/Mentor - If you want to be able to apply the 12 steps and/or the Bible to your lives and achieve the best outcome, find someone you would like to be at the level of in 5 years. Ask them to teach you how they got there, and then apply what you learn.

5.       Accountability Partners – Meet with someone consistently who you give permission to call you out on things. They can help support you and you can help support them.

Platinum rule – Treat others the way you would want them to treat the person you care about the most. That means you treat people like you would want them to treat your mom, dad, son, daughter, brother, sister, husband, wife, best friend, etc. If you would not want someone to do something to someone you love and care about, than don’t do it to someone else.

Add the 5 Pillars and the platinum rule to your life, and don’t stop using them. This is not a temporary change, this is a life long lifestyle change! The reason I don’t go back to using drug/alcohol/sex/cigarettes/violence, etc is that I have made my recovery a priority. I do recovery oriented things on a daily basis, multiple times each day. You do not get good at anything by not doing it. Practice makes you good, and once you get good at something only practice keeps you doing it well. I will never settle for good. I want great, so I practice the 5 Pillars and apply the platinum rule to all that I do. Finally, I have found one more additive that has made my recovery strong.

Community service is the missing link in many a program. It is not absolutely necessary for recovery, but it will make your recovery that much stronger and enjoyable. It is the icing on the cake. Community service says, “I used to destroy resources, now I am one!” This leads to more self-confidence, self-respect and self-worth. It makes the foundation of your recovery that much stronger!

Finally, spread the message of hope and strength found in recovery with anyone and everyone you come into contact with! I call myself a hope dealer, and you can be one too. Recovery is amazing, and so are you. Recovery is not only a possibility, it is a guarantee if you apply the 5 Pillars and work them. Let people know it! Together we will transform lives by sharing recovery and chip away at the stigma surrounding addiction and recovery until it is gone!

Better Life in Recovery Rocking in June

This past Saturday BLiR (Better Life in Recovery, Inc.) was scheduled to bring in a group of people and paint the Sunshine Elementary playground. There were soccer goals, basketball goals, swings, slides, monkey bars and a few pieces of playground equipment I could not identify. We came, we saw, we conquered………or painted, whatever. We conquered at painting!!

BLiR is an organization with a mission oftransforming lives by sharing recovery. We do this by dealing hope and decimating the stigma that people face everyday who struggle with addictions and mental health issues through community education and community awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. Part of that education piece is engaging in community service events that show one thing, “In recovery, you are a resource.”

BLiR partners with local businesses, organizations, groups and individuals to insure each event is not only successful but fun. This Saturday, we had people come out and help from Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, Higher Ground, New Beginnings Sanctuary, the Peer Recovery Network, Glendale Christian Church’s Celebrate Recovery, Church at the Center, Jericho Commission and Narcotic’s Anonymous.

All told we had a couple dozen people come out and help us get the painting done. Church at the Center actually supplied and prepared the food and McDonalds supplied the beverages for all who came out. We also got media coverage from:

 KTTS reporter Austin Roberston athttp://www.jrn.com/ktts/news/Playground-Cleanup-Helps-Recovery-Group-Give-Back-To-Springfield-Community-263167471.html

KY3 reporter Jehan Sheikh’s write up athttp://www.ky3.com/news/local/recovering-addicts-give-back-to-springfield-school-district/21048998_26497006

KY3 reporter Jehan Sheikh’s news clip athttp://www.ky3.com/news/local/Recovering-Addicts-help-Springfield-School-District/21048998_26497182

So we have now done 2 community service events, and we have been covered twice by KY3 and KTTS and once by KOLR 10 and KMSU. Great media coverage is getting the message of recovering people giving back out to our communities! Here is a Facebook comment from the KY3 write up someone left, “Now this is a great story! For those who step out to talk about addiction and then do something positive for the community, thanks! Good call KY3! Thanks for showcasing the positive.”

How amazing is that comment?  

The more we do in the community, the more frequent the positive feedback from our community will become. It will be slow at first, but the more we accomplish the greater our momentum will become. We are fighting an uphill battle, but by now we should be used to it. I doubt we would want it any other way!

Addict = All or Nothing

I wanted to call this blog, "Addict, All In" but I figured that might be a trigger for any gamblers who read this. Instead, I decided to call it Addict = All or Nothing. I called it that because all or nothing is the definition that I believe describes most addicts. There is also a purpose to this blog. That is to understand some of what drives me, and hopefully by proxy anyone who has struggled with an addiction in one form or another can understand a little more about themselves.

I am an addict. We will just get that out of the way now. When I say that I am an addict you should probably know at least one thing about me; I have impulse control problems. I get an urge to act on whatever my addiction might be to and I do it. I live my life by the Nike slogan, "Just Do It!" I am not saying it is right, it is simply what I do.

Once I act upon it, I go places people should not go. In fact, I go plaed most people would never go. I do not act like most people. I push the envelope with all that I do. Whether it is drinking, drugging, eating, etc. I go all out. I have trouble stopping once I begin. To me that is the hallmark of an addict.

Sadly, I am seldom that way with positive things. I once heard a guy at an NA meeting say the only thing he never did over the top was work the steps. I found that funny but true. When it comes to a lot of things in my past life such as drugs, alcohol or sex I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it right now. The only times I practiced patience (patience = procrastination) was when it might have been a positive thing.

I think the reason that occurs is because we stop liking ourselves. We run out of self-esteem and/or hope. Subsequently we immerse ourselves in something that takes our focus off of us and is quite often highly dangerous either physically, emotionally or psychologically. Quite often it is all 3. From there we become stuck in a rut where escaping, numbing or shifting focus becomes our only recourse.

That is why we work through the 12 steps. We begin to regain our self-esteem and start to like ourselves again. We accept responsibility for the good and bad things that have happened to us and that we have done. We work through our  hurts, habits and hang-ups. We accept that there are things that we have allowed to consume our lives that were negative and we set up interventions and supports so that does not happen again.

Even after I have  had my spiritual awakening, I am not cured. It does not change the fact that I am all or nothing. I still have impulse control problems. I just have to learn to find positive things to pour myself in to. Some people use one of the anonymous programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, etc. Others find faith-based groups such as Celebrate Recovery or Living Free while others use SMART Recovery or Rational Recovery groups.

I am not going to knock any of the groups I just mentioned, because they have all helped others. The best recovery group is one that you go to. Find what you get the most out of and go. Then share the hope you find with others and go all out doing it. As an addict I have had to come up with a new motto for my life. Years ago it was the James Dean motto, "Live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse."

Today my motto would be, "Finding a Better Life Exists" coupled with "Transforming Lives by Sharing Recovery." I also am partial to "From Dealing Dope to Dealing Hope." The bottom line is this, if you are living your life to not only be a better person from one day to the next but to help the people you come into contact with live better lives too, you are doing something right. If you aren't living your life that way, you are doing something wrong.

If you want to be an addict, get addicted to making yourself better and sharing your strength, experience and hope with all of those you come into contact with. Here is to going all in...........when it comes to building up the community around you!

KickStarter Campaign Coming Up

It would appear that at the beginning of the year we will be unleashing a KickStarter campaign to raise money for the Better Life in Recovery documentary. The purpose of the documentary is to show people the struggles we all go through in life, the allure and lies of addictions and the power in recovery. It is our hope to share recovery with as many people as we can who are struggling with life consuming issues so that they may find hope.

We need to get this message out to as many people as possible. We want this documentary and a presentation filled with recovery and hope to be held in high schools, colleges, churches and communities every where. The more people are impacted by it, the less control life consuming issues will have in their lives.

We are discussing how life hurts people, whether it is from being bullied, sexually abused, physically abused, feeling alienated, being caught between two divorcing parents, being rejected, feeling fat or losing loved ones. We then look at how drugs, alcohol, cutting, eating disorders, anger, depression, promiscuity and trying to fit in are used as coping and numbing mechanisms that lead to botched suicide, overdose, jails, institutions and eventually early graves.

We show that there are better options available to us and recovery is possible. We use real people with real problems that have found real answers. The documentary strives to transform lives by sharing recovery. It is not a fable, for people are finding a better life exists in recovery and we aim to share that with as many people as possible.

This requires a lot of effort. There are a lot of expenses involved in shooting this documentary. There will be editing, designing of art (DVD, Movie Poster), sound sweetening, purchasing music for the documentary, traveling to film interviews, buying cameras so we no longer have to rent them, production of DVD's, advertising, entering film festivals and playing at any venue we can find in the hopes of reaching those who are struggling or who love people who are struggling.

Below are the tiers we are looking at using for the Kick Starter campaign. Let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions or advice before we begin the campaign in January. We need to raise $5,000 minimum to complete this but really need to get between $15,000-$20,000 in order to do this well. Anything over $20,000 will free us up to begin doing presentations in schools and colleges that cannot afford to pay.

1. $1 For those who are laid off, struggling themselves, working two jobs, saving up for car insurance or college all we ask is $1 and help us publicize the project by sharing it on facebook, twitter, e-mail, word of mouth and in your blogs.  For that you get our heartfelt gratitude as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
2. $5 A thank you e-mail for the help you have given us as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
3. $10 A huge thank you on our website, the thank you e-mail, as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
4. $25 A digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
5. $35 A Better Life in Recovery bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
6. $50 A limited edition Better Life in Recovery USB Flashdrive preloaded with the documentary, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
7. $50 A limited edition Better Life in Recovery Embroidered hat, a digital download of the finished documentary, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
8. $50 A limited edition Better Life in Recovery movie poster, a digital download of the finished documentary, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
9. $50 A Better Life in Recovery T-Shirt, the bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
10. $75 A Pre-Release of the DVD when completed, the Better Life in Recovery T-Shirt, the bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
11. $100 A Special Edition DVD featuring the full interviews, A Pre-Release of the DVD when completed, the Better Life in Recovery T-Shirt, the bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
12. $200 2 Tickets to the premiere (transportation and lodging not included), A Special Edition DVD featuring the full interviews, A Pre-Release of the DVD when completed, the Better Life in Recovery T-Shirt, the bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
13. $250 Exclusive onscreen thank you featuring your name in the end credits, 2 Tickets to the premiere (transportation and lodging not included), A Special Edition DVD featuring the full interviews, A Pre-Release of the DVD when completed, the Better Life in Recovery T-Shirt, the bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
14. $500 The limited edition Embroidered hat, limited edition Better Life in Recovery USB Flashdrive preloaded with the documentary, limited edition movie poster, Exclusive onscreen thank you featuring your name in the end credits, 2 Tickets to the premiere (transportation and lodging not included), A Special Edition DVD featuring the full interviews, A Pre-Release of the DVD when completed, the Better Life in Recovery T-Shirt, the bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.
15. $750 2 Tickets to pre-premiere dinner, 2 Tickets to the premiere (transportation and lodging not included), the limited edition Embroidered hat, limited edition Better Life in Recovery USB Flashdrive preloaded with the documentary, limited edition movie poster, Exclusive onscreen thank you featuring your name in the end credits, A Special Edition DVD featuring the full interviews, A Pre-Release of the DVD when completed, the Better Life in Recovery T-Shirt, the bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains
16. $1000 I will come and screen the documentary at a venue you provide, complete with a presentation on the dangers of addiction and the power of recovery followed by a question and answer session. The presentation will be suitable at any venue: schools, colleges, churches, community events, forums, seminars and even your house (provided you cover all of my travel and lodging expenses).
17. $2500 At the beginning of the documentary, have an in memory credit for a loved one who lost their life due to an addiction or life consuming issue, plus 2 Tickets to pre-premiere dinner, 2 Tickets to the premiere (transportation and lodging not included), the limited edition Embroidered hat, limited edition Better Life in Recovery USB Flashdrive preloaded with the documentary, limited edition movie poster, Exclusive onscreen thank you featuring your name in the end credits, A Special Edition DVD featuring the full interviews, A Pre-Release of the DVD when completed, the Better Life in Recovery T-Shirt, the bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains.. (ONLY 5 AVAILABLE)
18. $2500 An Associate Producer credit on the documentary, plus 2 Tickets to pre-premiere dinner, 2 Tickets to the premiere (transportation and lodging not included), the limited edition Embroidered hat, limited edition Better Life in Recovery USB Flashdrive preloaded with the documentary, limited edition movie poster, Exclusive onscreen thank you featuring your name in the end credits, A Special Edition DVD featuring the full interviews, A Pre-Release of the DVD when completed, the Better Life in Recovery T-Shirt, the bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains. (ONLY 2 AVAILABLE)
19. $5000 An Executive Producer credit on the documentary, plus 2 Tickets to pre-premiere dinner, 2 Tickets to the premiere (transportation and lodging not included), the limited edition Embroidered hat, limited edition Better Life in Recovery USB Flashdrive preloaded with the documentary, limited edition movie poster, Exclusive onscreen thank you featuring your name in the end credits, A Special Edition DVD featuring the full interviews, A Pre-Release of the DVD when completed, the Better Life in Recovery T-Shirt, the bumper sticker, the digital download, the thank you e-mail, a shout out on our website as well as the sincere thanks from people who are struggling with life consuming issues and need to hear the hope of recovery this documentary contains. (ONLY 1 AVAILABLE)

Here is the trailer for the first couple of people that we filmed for the documentary: