Lack of Accountability Kills!

It seems that having no accountability is the “in” thing today. I can understand that, because fads and styles always come back into fashion. Lack of accountability has been around forever. It is actually recorded in Genesis; the very first book of the Bible.  In Chapter 3 verse 12 Adam blamed both the woman and God for the choice he made. In verse 13 the woman blamed the serpent for her choices. They were both told not to eat fruit from a certain tree, and they both failed to comply………..but it wasn’t their fault. It was because of someone else.

You blame your problems on everyone else, because that causes you very little pain. That is the cool thing about having no accountability. Things can never be your fault and you don’t have to feel terrible about the outcome because it was due to some outside factor, anyway!

“If traffic wouldn’t have been so bad, I would not have been late to work.”

“If she wouldn’t have said that, I wouldn’t have hit her!”

“If she wouldn’t have gotten high, I never would have relapsed.”

Does this sound familiar? Well, if he/she/it wouldn’t have (fill in the blank), then I wouldn’t have (fill in the blank). You pretend that you are not responsible for your own actions.  This kind of thinking actually implies that someone else controls what you: say, do, think, feel, etc. This is how negative behaviors are formed.

If it is someone else’s fault, you have nothing to change. There is nothing wrong with you; it is instead the fault of other people, places and things. This mentality traps you in a prison.  This lack of accountability eventually meets up with victimization. It is not only someone else’s fault, but someone is out to get me and that is why all of this is happening to begin with.

“Everyone is out to get me,” and “they are all persecuting me,” become our favorite responses. Another popular one is blaming it on your childhood, “It is just the way I was raised, what do you expect me to do,” as if that forgave everything. Once again, it is not my fault. “This happened because of something outside of me that I cannot control.”

Now we welcome our enemy rationalization, whereby you look at what you do and justify it by saying things like, “Everyone else is doing it,” to which you might add “they just don’t get caught.” There is my personal favorite, “well at least I am not doing (Fill in the blank).” Here a meth user says, “at least I’m not using heroin” in order to justify his drug use and how he feels it could be worse, so he must not be that bad.

Next comes in justification. You can feel better about anything that you do by justifying it. A thief might say, “I only steal from rich people that can afford it” and a drug dealer might say, “It is the law of supply and demand, they are going to use it anyway. At least I know that my drugs are not cut with stuff that could kill them.”  

Out of these come our attitudes, habits and beliefs. As you walk on your journey through life, this is how support the jacked up choices you make. After all, they were not really choices to begin with. You have now learned ways to manipulate the situations and people you come into contact with, using them as a way to avoid any feeling of responsibility. My hope is that you are no longer at this place in your life, and if you are still here that you do not want to be. I hope that you want real change in your life.

If this is to change, there are things you must do in order to change. The first is to avoid old friends and places that are conducive to you once again returning to the person you once were and no longer want to be. It is much easier not to do meth when I am not at the meth dealer’s house and a lot easier to not eat cheesecake when I do not go to the Cheesecake Factory.

Next you begin to utilize the 5 Pillars of Recovery. You must develop a relationship with a Higher Power, and I have found that God is the most effective one. Then you begin to attend meetings or small groups and actually get invested in them. The next pillar is gaining accountability partners, which are people that you give permission to call you out and help you continue moving in the right direction. Another pillar is having a set of actions to guide your life. I have found the 12 steps and the book of James from the New Testament to be very effective. Lastly, obtain a mentor/sponsor that can help you begin applying the 12 steps/James to your life.

From there you only have a couple more needs. You must learn the strength of prayer and meditation. You need also learn that community service is not something that a judge or probation officer has you do. It is something you do in order to make the community around you better, because it is the right thing to do. Finally, begin sharing the hope and strength you have found with others, both those with similar struggles as well as everybody else.

Never forget, everybody needs to hear what you have to say. Everyone needs to buy what you are selling, and you are selling hope. Without it, life is seldom worth living. The only way to come to terms with your past and understand why things happened as they did is to have the opportunity to use your experiences to impact the lives of others positively. And that is the best job I have ever found.

From Shack to Temple: 2 Weeks In

So, I like the way things are going this time. I am struggling to get to the gym as much as I would like to. It is also difficult for me to guage my workouts this time, as I am working out like I never have before. The new schedule is kind of rough on me, also since I am at work two days a week from 730 AM to 930 PM then have to be back to work at 730 AM the following morning each time. We will look more at what I am doing this time, but first this is how I am doing.

I followed the earting plan the first week to the T. I stayed under in calories every single day. I ate a lot of lean meat: pork, chicken and top sirloin. I even had some home made salmon patties. I ate a lot of vegetables and fresh fruit and had mashed potatoes a couple of times. For snacks I had popcorn, yogurt and ended most days with a double serving of neopolitan ice cream. I drank a ton of water, at least 10 glasses a day and sometimes more and didn't drink anything else other than the morning cup of coffee black or the protein shake post workout. I lost 7 pounds the first week.

The second week I did well, but the weekend was a wash. The week was the same, but my weekend was not good. My best man had a birthday party at Old Chicago, and I chose to be bad. I gained 3 pounds, but I am okay with that. I still lost 0.6 pounds for the week and was down 7.6 pounds for the 2 week period. Could have been better, but I am really happy with that.

Exercise I am changing up, too. I have been lifting heavy weights with low reps in the past. This time around, I am rethinking them. The last two weeks I have only worked out two days each week, on Monday and Friday, and I am adding a workout this week on Wednesdays. Here is what I have done for work outs so far.

On Monday I do 5 sets of 5 flat bench press at 225 supersetted with DB Flyes with 35's doing 8 reps. Then I do 5 sets and 5 reps of 2 exercises, pulldowns to the front then a pulldown leaning to the chest. This will stay the same, only the weight will go up. Then I do 3 sets of 5 reps of what is called the bear complex. I do it with 115, and one rep consists of a clean to a front squat to a shoulder press to a back squat to a shoulder press. Eventually I will work up to 5 sets of 8 then I will go up in weight.

On Friday I do a complex where I never set down the bar. I put 135 on the barbell then I do 5 bent rows, 5 cleans, 5 front squats, 5 military presses, then 5 squats. I do 3 sets of this, with the hopes of making it to eventually do 5 sets of 8 reps. I then put 115 on the bar and do 5 barbell curls, 5 skull crushers then I do 5 sit ups with the 115 for 5 sets. I am where I want to be on this one.

On both days if time is good I will do 15 minutes on the elliptical. I am going to add a Wednesday workout that will consist of heavy legs, calves, shrugs and abs with cardio thrown in. I am hoping that this will help put me into a good place for the workouts. I feel weird doing so little weight, but I am happy to not be hurting myself and I probably need better cardio, not to get stronger.

In two weeks I have dropped from 238.6 to 231 pounds and ate pretty much whatever I wanted. I am pretty content with that. If you have any feedback or advice on the eating or workouts please share them. I would love to gain more knowledge as I go. By the way, I have found MyFitnessPal to be a very helpful app for what I am doing.

The secret so far is not telling myself no to the things I want. It is instead seeking moderation, which MyFitnessPal helps me do. I can have ice cream, but I am eating a serving of it instead of half of it. When you deny yourself something, you often end up cheating. When you cheat, you get depressed. When you get depressed, you comfort eat more. "Since I already blew it, I might as well eat all of it."

So, don't call them cheats. Call it eating in moderation. Watch what you eat, use and app like MyFitnessPal or join Weight Watchers, who also have a great app. Weight Watchers also gives you accountability with their meetings and online forums. With MyFitnessPal you can have friends who see what you put in, from the food ate to exercise completed to weight gained and lost. That is a great feature. See you in a couple of weeks, as we continue to look at turning our shacks into temples!

Lance Armstrong: I'm Not Sorry

Lance Armstrong went on Oprah to finally admit that he used steroids. Of course, we already knew that. That is why he was stripped of his Tour de France victories and his bronze medal from the Olympics. It was no surprise that when he had an opportunity to admit to what people already knew he was willing to do that. He stated the blatantly obvious in his interview. There are some other things he needs to take credit for, and this was his chance. Here is a look at how he did.

He had multiple team mates and friends state he was using steroids. The United States Anti-Doping Association investigated him. Each time someone told the truth about him, or tried to, he would defame their character and often took them to court. He decimated these people, denouncing their word and shouting about their dishonesty from every BULLY pulpit he could find. He destroyed the reputations and careers of those who told the truth. Instead of an apology to the specific people he has maligned, he says that there were so many he forgets who they all are.

Lance Armstrong is a cheater and he has the chance to admit it. He had 7 consecutive Tour de France victories. He says that he did not cheat, because cheating is having an unfair advantage over others and everybody was doing it. Then he says that clean riders are heroes. How can there be clean riders if everyone is using? By his very statement he admits to there being non-doping riders. So he is saying that using performance enhancing drugs and blood doping did not give him an unfair advantage over those not using. Of course it did, so he cheated. He does not even have the decency to admit it.

Not only did he cheat, he left other riders in his wake. Those who were clean and rode with him he bullied into using. The riders on the tour who did not use lost to a rider who had an unfair advantage. I am sure he left many a rider with shattered dreams. Someone other than him should have won the Tour de France and had that dream they had worked their entire lives for come to fruition. The same about the medal. Someone lost out on getting to stand on the platform and represent themselves, their family and their country by getting a bronze medal.

Lance Armstrong is a thief. Not only did he steal the victories and glory, he also stole money. There is prize money, money from sponsors, book deals, endorsement deals that all could have gone to someone else. Let me restate that, should have gone to someone else. He stole from them, no different than sliding his hand into their wallets or breaking into their houses and taking it. Yet there appeared to be no true remorse in the interview.

Finally, how about cancer itself. He had a lot of people that looked to him as a hero, a paragon of virtue. They used him, from overcoming cancer to being a success and doing it all while being clean, as the inspiration they needed to fight cancer. Now, he has been tarnished and those who put him on a pedestal will suffer. The LiveStrong Foundation also took a serious hit in credibility and has lost donors. Hopefully people will remember that just because he was the face doesn't mean the foundation isn't a great non-profit. Sad that so many people are affected by the actions of one man.

It would appear that Lance Armstrong is sorry for one thing. He is sorry that he got caught. His lack of true ownership would lead one to that conclusion. Also not accepting the damage he has done to so many people. Seriously, he never even admitted that what he did was cheating???? This guy has some nerve. Sure we are all human. I have done many things that were low and despicable. I have also owned up to them in person and publicly. That is what a person who finds morals, principles and an ethical code does.

Lance appears to be attempting to con everyone again. That is just my opinion. But that tends to be the opinion I listen to. Saying your sorry then blaming everyone and everything else for your choices shows how you really feel. For his sake, I hope that he truly begins to show remorse. This first interview showed that remorse is not in his vocabulary yet. Neither is accountability. Get a conscience and WORK A PROGRAM that doesn't involve lying and cheating!

Hurricane Sandy: Accountability and Entitlement

As I watch the news after Hurricane Sandy and see all of the angry people, I am reminded of other angry people after Hurricane Katrina. I do not want to in any way undermine the pain, panic and stress that these survivors are going through. Some have lost homes, family members, friends, vehicles, jobs, etc. There is a lot of loss, and that is horrific. After doing psychological first aid for the Joplin tornado I have seen first hand how natural disasters affect people. Natural disasters are not kind, and they leave trauma in their wake.

That said, there is a sense of entitlement that I don't understand. When a natural disaster strikes, why is it everyone else's job to provide you with things? The people had a week to prepare, and they did not get supplies? You have no food or water two days after the Hurricane hit, and that is the government's fault. How do you suppose that? Just because the United States has FEMA does not mean that it is their responsibility to cater to your whims.

Some people were told to leave, and they came back to nothing which is horrific. These are not the people that I am addressing. Those who lost houses, that is horrible and they need help. I am talking about the people who never left their homes. Either that or their homes are still standing. Those are the people I am addressing. The people who were totally unprepared for the aftermath. When it is winter time or there are storms headed your way, don't get caught with your pants down. Be prepared!

I feel that we would never have lasted 100 years ago. People were stranded sometimes for a couple of months without the ability to get into town after blizzards. They faced hurricanes with far less warning than we have today. Yet our grandparents and great grandparents survived. I wonder how they did it? They did it by realizing that they needed to have supplies at the ready. They held themselves accountable for their own well-being. When a hurricane is headed your way, that is no small thing. To not be prepared is negligent at best and might even be criminal!

It seems we can't last a couple of days after a natural disaster without resorting to, "I need," "I want," "You need to"  and "You have to." How is it everybodys responsibility to take care of you? Why did you not take heed of the warnings you received and get water and non-perishable food, just in case? Due to lack of personal responsibility it has to be someone elses fault, right? "It couldn't possibly be my fault, it must be the ______________(fill in blank with which ever politician or political party you want to blame)." Buck up and take some responsibility for yourself and your family.

There are resources coming to you, but they are a gift. What you will get: food, blankets, water, places to sleep, funding to rebuild are much needed. They are not something you are entitled to, though. You are entitled to take care of yourself and your family. Maybe even your friends and neighbors, but that is your responsibility. Everything else you might get is a bonus. Consider it grace, unmerited favor, something you do not deserve. Just because you live in Merica' doesn't mean that you deserve to get benefits handed to you.

Unfortunately, we are becoming a country that expects others to do for them when they are unwilling to do for themselves. People sit back on welfare, not looking for jobs. They can't afford to raise the kids they have yet they continue to have babies. I once had a client tell me, "I don't have to work. I have kids." As if that was an option! But this is an entirely different rant, so I will stop it.

Instead, let's look at what we need to have so that we can be prepared for a natural disaster if one does occur. Several years back, I had a learning experience in the form of an ice storm that kept us living in freezing conditions with no electricity for over a week. It is important to have a disaster supply kit, and here is a list of things that needs to be in it:

1. A gallon of fresh drinking water for each household member for at least 7 days each
2. Non-perishable food items for at least 7 days per family member (don't forget your pets)
3. Can Opener to open food
4. First Aid Kit
5. Flash Light with extra batteries and Self-Powered Lights
6. Self-Powered or Battery powered radio with extra batteries if needed
7. NOAA Weather Radio with tone alert and extra batteries
8. Waterproof Matches
9. Generator (if you can afford it) with spare gasoline
10. Sleeping Bags and Extra Blankets for each person
11. Hand Sanitizer and Moist Towelettes
12. No less than $50 in small bills
13. Photo Copies of your ID
14. Boots, Gloves, Jacket and a complete change of clothing for each household member
15. Multi-Purpose Tool
16. LED Lantern
17. Duct Tape
18. Plastic Sheeting
19. Camp Stove with extra Propane or Grill with extra Charcoal (Volcano Kettles are nice)
20. Clorox
21. Toilet Paper
22. Trash Bags
23. Emergency Whistle
24. Survival Knife, Shovel, Saw and Crow Bar
25. 5 Gallon Bucket and Kitty Litter (Handy Restroom)
26. Toiletries (Tooth Brushes, Toothpaste, Deodorant, etc.)
27. Prescriptions

If you can think of anything else, let me know and I'll add it to the list

Why the Police Pull Me Over and Why I Deserve It (I Want You to Do Your Job)

I know several things will happen when I see a police car behind me. I have learned that these things will happen because they have happened frequently to me. I also know that they will happen because I have friends who are police officers and I have asked them about it. When these things happen I have several choices of how to act, but I will get into those choices later. First, let us go over what will happen when I see a police officer behind me.

I can almost guarantee that I will get pulled over by the police when I see them behind me. If I do anything wrong, they are looking for it. The reason that a police officer will get behind me and look for any possible reason to pull me over is evident. I am a convicted felon, period. There is no other reason that they will try to pull me over. I know that pulling me over sounds like a no-brainer to some of you. To others it sounds like they are profiling me, or discriminating against me. We will settle that discussion later when I explain how I feel about it.

I also know that when they pull me over I will sit there for a long time while they run my license. This is not because they have slow computers in their car. The reason that they are taking so long to run my license and registration is because they are waiting for back-up to arrive. This is not because I am scary or dangerous, but because they want to search my car. That means they have one officer to keep an eye  on me and the other one to search.

I could probably get mad about knowing that these two things happening! I could, but I choose not to. I have come to realize that they are doing this for a reason. It is not because of profiling or discrimination that they have looked for  a reason to pull me over. It is because they are doing their job. If they did not try to pull me over, they would not be doing their job and I would want them fired. Let me give you an example of this in another manner.

 Imagine a fire truck loaded with fire fighters driving back from a school they have just visited. They see a house with smoke billowing out of it. Instead of doing their job and checking the house out, they simply drive right by it. How would you feel about that scenario? Would you want these men to keep their jobs? Are they even doing their jobs if they simply cruise by the apparent fire and not check it out? Of course not!

Some of you may argue that it has been 12 years since I have had any charges, so they are holding my past against me. I have earned that right. The studies have found that 87% of felons reoffend, so they are playing percentages. Imagine that you have a four year old son, and he goes missing. A block from you lives a convicted sex offender who got out of prison 12 years ago. Would you want the police to search his home? Would they be doing their job if they did not? Of course not, so they are not doing their job if they do not find a reason to search my car.

I could get mad about this, but I refuse to. The reason why I do not let this make me mad at the police is because I did it to myself. They did not invent the record that appears on their screen when they run my name. I made choices that led to charges that led to convictions. I was guilty from the word go. I am actually lucky that I only spent a year and a half in prison. I got away with a lot more than I got caught for.

I played a game for two decades of my life. If the police where better than me at the game, I got caught. If I was better than them at the game, I got away with it. I got away with a lot more than I got caught for. That said, I did get caught. I did things that I knew where illegal. At times I went to jail. When I did I played by Monopoly rules. I did not pass go, I did not collect two hundred dollars. I went directly to jail. Now, I have a career that is legal. There are still rules that I have to follow in order to keep my job. The police still have rules to follow also. When the pull me over and search my car, they are just playing their game by its rules. I have no right to get mad at them. If I should get mad at anyone, it should be at myself. I made the choices, not the police. Just wanted to share that!!!!

Iron Sharpens Iron Part 2 - Change your Playmates

When they refer to playmates they are literally referring to the people that we spend time with. There are people in our lives who engage in the activities that we are trying to no longer engage in. We tend to surround ourselves with people we feel comfortable around.  When I first enter into a new lifestyle, I need to surround myself with people who will support the way I now choose to live.

This is actually one of the most difficult things to do. We may have used drugs with our brother, sister, husband or wife. We may drink with our parents and all of our friends. We may not have any friends at all that do not do drugs or drink. We may not, when we look at our lives realistically, have any true friends.

When I have someone ask me what a true friend is, I ask them the same question, “If you had $1,000 dollars on your dresser and you were leaving the house and your friend were staying, would you hide the money before you left? Or would you be confident that the money would still be there when you came back?” What most of my clients find out is that the people they thought were friends are generally nothing more than acquaintances?

In my past, I had friends that would have taken a bullet for me. They would have helped me hide bodies! But they also would have helped hide mine if they could have made any money on it. The truth is, they were only my friend because they either wanted what I had, what they could get from me, because I had good drugs, could get rid of their drugs, did drugs with them or because they were scared of me. It is really hard to admit it, but I had very few true friends.

Here is a story that I will relate about finding out one of my old acquaintances was truly a friend. I moved when I got clean. I knew that I could not stay clean and still live where I had been a drug dealer for so long. I moved to Springfield, and I worked at a local restaurant in the mall. I saw one of my old friends several times over the course of five years. Every time that I saw him he would catch my eye, then turn around and leave the restaurant. I had not been working at the restaurant for a year, but was at the mall Christmas shopping when I saw my old friend again. He walked up to me and asked me how I had been doing.

“I have been doing really well, but I have to ask you a question," I replied. "How come every time I've seen you since I left Branson, you have seen me and immediately left the place I was at?"

"It was because I was still dealing drugs, and I knew that you weren't anymore. I did not want to be a temptation to you."

“So why are you talking to me now?” I asked.

"Because I am no longer doing drugs. In fact, I have been off of drugs and out of that lifestyle for a year now. Unfortunately, I had old charges that came up and I have to turn myself in to complete a federal prison sentence in January. I was actually hoping to run into you, I just wanted you to know that I got clean to."

After that he and I caught up on what was going on with the old crew that I used to hang out with. It consisted mostly of people in prison and people who were no longer alive. As I say goodbye to him, it dawned on me that he was actually a true friend. He knew that I could probably not maintain the lifestyle I was living if we were to remain friends. So instead of being a negative influence, he chose to not be in my life at all. Honestly, I had very few friends who did not do drugs when I finally got off of drugs.

There's a reason for that. In addiction we tend to chase away the people who do not do what we do (drugs, alcohol, etc). We stop being friends with people who truly care about us, because they tend to want to see us improve our lives. They remind us of the negative things that we are currently doing. So instead, we surround ourselves with people that do not have our best intentions at heart.

The Bible in 1 Corinthians 15:33 states that, “Bad company corrupts good character.” And Proverbs 13:20 says," He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm."

It sounds like maybe we need to make positive friends. It is hard to learn how to be sober if we hang around with drunks. It is hard to stop committing crimes if we hang out with criminals. If we want to make changes in our lives, we have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make those changes. This includes no longer hanging out with our old playmates and beginning to hang out with new ones. Aerosmith, in their song Amazing, say it best, “I kept the right ones out, and let the wrong ones in.”

Do not get me wrong. I still have friends from my past who are in my life and others who are not. There are some things I will not be around. I do not hang out with criminals, nor do I hang out with people who are doing drugs. I do not run around with people who break the law either. I believe in self-determination. I have found out that I cannot change my friends, just as other people could not change me while I was still active in my addiction. I have found the best way to be there for those types of friends is for me to live my life right.

That said, there are people from my past that I'm still friends with. For example, look at the people that I used to be friends with when I was an alcoholic. Many of them still drink. A couple of my best friend still drink, yet I still will go out with them. I will meet them for dinner and a movie. After the movie is over, I will go home and they will go to the bar. I feel that one of the best ways we can minister to others is by still being their friends. That does not mean that we put ourselves in danger situations, but that we still are friends with them.

So where do I find new playmates, you may be asking yourself. There are 12 step recovery groups (Alcoholic's Anonymous, Narcotic's Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free), church groups, community support groups, therapy groups and even online support groups. These kinds of groups are important for several reasons. For starters, we have a chance to be around people who know where we have been and can relate to us. This generally stops people from being judgmental. Secondly, we get to be around people who will share with us their strength, experience and hope. Finally, we get to learn new behaviors by people who actually exhibit them.

Proverbs 27:17," as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

When I began to hold myself accountable, I also needed to be around others who would help me be accountable. It is really difficult for me to make wise choices when I hang out with people who are not making those same choices themselves. If I want to begin a new lifestyle, I need to ensure that I hang out with people who also follow that lifestyle. I have found that the best way to do that is by being around people who were where I want to be. That does not mean when I have outgrown people, that I am no longer their friend. What that does mean is that I am constantly finding new people to become friends with.

I have found a sponsor, who is someone who helped me work through the 12 steps, which I am a huge advocate of when working through difficult issues that we are trying to overcome. I am best helped by someone who has lived through what I am living through. They have the wisdom that I need in order to succeed. 

As you can see, changing our playmates, playgrounds and playthings needs to happen in order to successfully achieve a new way of living. These are major pieces that are an integral part of our recovery puzzle that needs to be completed in order for us to be kept from anything that causes us harm or separates us from God.