Healed People Heal People

I am sure you know the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.”  That saying means that when people are hurting, they tend to lash out and hurt others. It may be unintentional, like snapping on someone you love as soon as you get home after a long day of your boss jumping all over you like he was a 10 year old in a bounce house. It could be more intentional, you are getting abused at home by your dad so you go to school and bully kids weaker than you so that you can feel power.

If hurt people hurt people, then the opposite is true as well. Healed people heal people. Once I have overcome something, I have a unique insight into what I went through that most people don’t have. For example, I spent 25 years of my life in addiction. I have now been clean and sober for over 5 years. I know what it takes to get clean and stay that way. I can share what has helped me, what I have seen help others as well as the science that has validated some forms of treatment to be evidence-based practices.

I have several close friends, that have been diagnosed with cancer and after treatment are now either cancer-free or in remission. They have unique perspectives that I lack. One, they have been diagnosed with cancer. I have no idea what that feels like, to be diagnosed with cancer. I have never had cancer, so although I can have empathy and support someone who has cancer, my friends come from a place of wisdom that I don’t have. Second, that they have overcome that cancer through treatment. They are living proof that surviving a cancer diagnosis is not only possible, but a reality because they have first hand knowledge. They can help people that I cannot because of having lived through cancer.

Everybody has been through something. We all have been hurt in one way or another. It could be physical abuse, sexual abuse, feeling fat, being told we are worthless, being bullied, depression, cancer, child of an alcoholic/addict, grief and loss, etc. I am sure you get the idea, there are a lot of ways life hurts us. Life puts holes in our souls.

Once those holes are placed, many of us use something to escape, numb or forget the hole is there. Food, sex, money, cutting, power, alcohol and other drugs are a few of the things we use as band-aids to numb/escape our past. These bandages don’t heal the problem, they just cover them up. They are still festering underneath and more issues are being added to it.  

Fortunately, some of us figured out how to stop covering the problem up. We have learned what it takes to fix the problem. Once we have learned how to deal with the holes instead of running from them, we have unique wisdom that only someone who has gone through what we have gone through has. Once we have that wisdom, we can impart it to others. That is all part of what I call my garbage theory, which you can read about here:http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/10/why-mehow-can-i-make-peace-with-my-past_25.html

Many people live with regrets about their past choices and things that have happened to them. I have learned to embrace mine. I am not defined by them, but instead I define myself by my recovery. I realize that all those events led me to be the person I am today. The person I am today helps people, and if it was not for everything I have been through, I would not be as effective in doing that.

The same is true for you. Everyone has survived or lived through something that had an impact on them. Never forget that the past has made you who you are, and the person you are today is awesome and will only get better with time. To quote a dead jazz singer, “My God don’t make no junk.” You are not junk, and there is no reason to let your past issues define you. My past did not defeat me, instead it made me stronger and wiser than I ever would have been without it. The same is true for you!  

Why Me....How can I make peace with my past? Part 2

I would wonder for days, "Why me?" and it got me absolutely no where. I would try to escape my past by doing good things: volunteering to help my friends move, giving the panhandler money, community service and even counseling. Yet no matter what I did, I could never come to any kind of peace with who I was, what I ha done and what had been done to me.

That question would repeat itself over and over in my head, and I never had a good answer. Was I born unlucky, did God hate me, was I the devil's special project? Why, why, why did all of these negative things happen to me. If bad things in life were garbage, I could have started a land fill at birth and would have been out of room by now. I was stuck in the victim role for years.

Somewhere along the way I discovered that I was not a victim and accepted the things that I had done and what had been done to me as simply a part of my life that I had to go through. That said, there was still that part of me that wondered why did I have to go through it? Why me............? What was the purpose of everything that had happened to me? I was stuck in the survivor role with those questions, and not having the answers fueled my drinking and increased my acting upon the other "character defects" that I have.

Over time I came to realize what the purpose was! I realized why I had gone through all that I had, why I had made the choices that I had made, and why I was still here when it has killed so many others. I call it my trash/garbage theory. It is why the 12th step is so vitally important for those who are in addiction. It is why we not only get experience, strength and hope from others but we also share ours with them. We have to own our past and see it for what it is.

Imagine that everything in our past is garbage. The poor choices we make, the things that others do to us, the trouble that we get into with the legal system, etc. I mean everything that happens. We tend to not really deal with it and keep it inside of us. We are like a huge hoarder, and our lives become full and stressful. That is the victim stage. We have all of this inside and we are internalizing it.

Once we accept what has happened to us we externalize it. We realize that many things are beyond our control and that addiction is a disease. This allows us to throw the stuff out. We are now in the survivor role, which leaves us questioning what has happened to us. We accept that things happen, but we do not see the purpose behind it and it takes on no meaning. There is still no purpose! Because of that, the garbage we have now been able to get rid of just sits outside of us and begins to accumulate.

We now are creating a landfill that begins to mound up, and to be honest it has no purpose other than to stink and destroy our view. We have now built a trash site, and the garbage begins to accumulate. When your everyday view overlooks a stinking landfill site, your demeanor does not improve. It causes us anxiety, depression, anger, fear, etc. We now have feelings that are overwhelming us because there is still little to no hope or positivity. Then, the magic happens!

We suddenly think of what the purpose is.........LIGHTBULB!!! What are the uses of trash? The only one that I can think of is compost. Compost is breaking down our garbage and using it for fertilizer. What do I have to turn into compost? I am someone who has/is: an addict, attempted suicide, convicted of felonies, done time in prison, a recipient of childhood abuse, overdosed several times, woke up in the middle of the night from shakes that I had to drink to make go away so that I could go back to sleep, dropped out of high school, seen multiple friends die, lost a parent to suicide, been diagnosed with multiple mental health disorders, a child of an alcoholic, parents who divorced when I was young, always felt alone, violent, scared but afraid to admit it, etc.

As you can see, I have a lot of garbage in my past. I have also once I discovered it had the ability to use that trash to build up others. I can use overcoming all of my past choices and tragedies to give hope and instill strength in those who are still suffering in their addictions. I can also help those who have not yet began using drugs/alcohol/food/sex/violence/shopping/codependency/etc. as a way to cope, escape and numb to let them know how it can end up.

That is the positive reason for my horrific past. I have wisdom now that I never would have had without my past. Wisdom only comes from experiencing something and battling it. Those things that I have experienced and overcame have given me vital information that I can pass onto others. I can share my strength, experience and hope with them. I can save lives! I am like a doctor, nurse, paramedic, fire fighter! I have been giving training from my past that enables me to save peoples lives today.

How exciting is that? To know that what you once felt guilt over, which you internalized into shame and self-loathing, now has positive power! It can enable people to make better choices. It can save lives and make families stronger. The longer I am sober, the bigger my responsibility to help others. The greater the negative coming in, the greater the positive going out. As Einstein said, "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

For me the action was the negative choices and negative things that others did to me. The reaction is giving my testimony and sharing how incredible my life is now. I am eternally optimistic because I have seen rock bottom and came back on top. For that I am blessed, and I will share my story to inspire others to attain true recovery. I am in recovery from the consequences of life and I love to share my struggles and victories with all that I meet. I know for me, that has made all of the difference!!!

The Spackle Theory

So here is the main premise for my blog, web site, the name of my book and the ministry that I would eventually like to get started. It all is based on this and this only. It is what I call Spiritual Spackle, and it includes the Spackle Theory that I have come up with. It has been of vital importance in my new life and my recovery.

Before I get into the Spackle Theory, I want to relate a story from my addiction. When I was younger I was living in a house that I was buying. I was a full blown alcoholic at the time, and I did not really think things through well. That will be evident by the end of this story, probably sooner. I think that I was in a verbal disagreement with my then girlfriend, and I went outside in a huff. When I got outside, I guess that I figured throwing a tantrum and hitting an inanimate object would solve everything.

So, without thinking I punched the side of my house twice. My house was older, and it had wooden siding. When I punched the siding, I put two holes in the side of my house. Obviously, this solved nothing. In actuality, it caused what should have been a much bigger problem. Now, instead of just being in an argument with my girlfriend, I had structural damage to my house.

Luckily, since I was a thinker back then, I had an incredible idea of how to fix the holes. I instantly went inside my house and grabbed duct tape. Presto, problem solved. I no longer had two holes in my outside wall. Instead, I had the eye sore of shiny silver duct tape covering the two holes in my tan colored wall on my house. I did this, and stepped back from the wall thorougly satisfied. I thought that the problem was fixed.

I left the house that way for several years, holes covered with duct tape. The issues did not really present itself again until several years later when I moved. I took the duct tape off of the wall so that I could see what it would take to fix it. It was no longer two holes the size of my fist, but was now two places that were a foot each of soggy and cracked wood. Worse yet was the sheet rock behind the holes. The sheetrock was moldy and water stained from where it had gotten wet and then dried.

In short, the wall that I thought had been covered up and protected was damaged horribly. Just because I could no longer see the hole or the damage that was done does not mean that it was better and the problem no longer existed. Instead, it had continued to be a gaping hole and did nothing but deteriorate and get worse even though it was covered and unseen.

Now what I want you to do is imagine that the issues you have are rain. My fist in this story is trauma that you experience over the course of your life. Finally, the outside wall of my house is representative of your soul. As traumatic things happen to you, they create holes in your soul. These holes are emotional, spiritual and psychological in nature and are created by sexual, physical and emotional abuse. These are the things that hurt you. This is how the major craters that are created in our lives occur.

We get filled with this pain, and it creates emotional and psychological stress. This stress is then turned into anger, depression, anxiety, self-sabotage and guilt; all of which can turn into shame. Our self-esteem dwindles and any positivity that we once had is reduced to negativity and self-loathing. I could go on and on with this description, but I will instead break it down to two words - WE HURT!

So there I am hurt. I discover that when I hurt all I have to do is insert method of escape here. Whether I am a drinker, drug user, gambler, cutter, co-dependent, have an eating disorder or engage in retail therapy (shopping) I can escape from my past. If I like to sleep around, save others by playing superman/woman or I am the perfect candidate for anger management classes I will do the same thing. I will use those things so that I can feel better about myself or numb myself to the pain that I feel. I will use my method to not hurt. It may be fleeting, only lasting minutes or hours, but it will make the hurt go away for a while.

Unfortunately, this method of escaping hurt that we use is a lot like the duct tape in my example at the beginning of this. It may cover the damage on the surface, but what is happening underneath it all? If my best friend slept with the person that I am married to, my grandfather abused me or I was always told that I was no good do my methods of coping really fix the problem?

Of course not, at best it is a temporary solution to a problem that is sure to reoccur. And reoccur it will. The worst part of using duct tape to cover the problem is that there is the illusion that it is better. The reality is that the problem is getting worse and worse underneath. We continue to deteriorate, we continue to beat ourselves up about the past. We dwell on things that we can not change instead of working through them. We do not allow ourselves to grieve what happened to us because we try to act like it did not happen or that we are better.

The truth of the matter is that we never give ourselves the chance to work through our past hurts and hang ups because we do not face them. Every time that they come up, we use our preferred method of escape to avoid them. We cause ourselves untold amounts of depression and anxiety because of the traumas of our past and numbing and ignoring it does us no lasting good. It just mires us in the victim role and we never reach the survivor stage, let alone advance to being a thriver.

Unfortunately, perception for us is reality. Our reality believes that if we do not feel it, that it is better. Our reality eventually learns that by using, we do not have to feel ever. If I can stay self-medicated, I never have to feel hurt again. I am insulated from what others can do to me. No matter what they do, I do not have to feel it. Our reality keeps us sick and insures that our cycle of addiction is never broken.

That false sense of what is true becomes more and more distorted. It eventually reaches the point where we begin to believe that the problem is taken care of. We walk around angry, ashamed, depressed, anxiety-ridden and begin to push those who care about us away.

“But I am better,” we claim.

Just because we claim that there is no problem does not mean that the previous issues become nonexistant. If it rains and I tell you that it is not water coming down on us, does that mean we  won’t get wet. Of course not! Just because there was duct tape on my outside wall, it did not mean that the rain was not still affecting the damage that was already done and making it worse. If it is covered over that does not mean that it is fixed. In order for us to overcome our past, we need to admit it, allow for the grieving process and then heal. Only then can we learn from it and use it to make us stronger and wiser.

There are three stages we can be in due to our past trauma. The first is the victim, who is still stuck in the past and allows the past to hurt them constantly. Then we have the survivor, who has accepted that the past has happened but locks it away and does not really deal with it. Both of these people will be prone to using their preferred methods of coping.

The victim at least acknowledges the pain, but they do not feel they have any control or power to fix it. The survivor is much like the person who has the tiger by the tail and feels like they have succeeded. At any moment that lion can turn around and take a huge bite out of them. Much like the minute that our method of artificially coping goes from being occasional to the focus of our lives.

Lastly we have the thriver role. This is where we want to be. This is the person who not ony accepts what happened to them, but processes it and works it out. It may have been horrific and unfair, but we realize that nothing we can take, do or say will change the fact that it happened. Instead we use what happened to make us first stronger and wiser. But, we do not stop there. We then use what happened in our lives to help others who are hurting and suffering. We give them hope by sharing our experiences and how we have grown from them.

So, what allows us to grow from our past? What do we do to fix the holes that life leaves in us? What is there that was made for that purpose? We need to find something that comforts us and fills those holes instead of just covering them up. Otherwise, we will continue to rely on our traditional methods of escape. I do not want to escape the hurt, I want to learn from it and grow. How about you? Do you want to be defeated by your past, or do you want to work through it so that you can be stronger and wiser?

The Holy Spirit is the one thing that can fix those holes. It is comparable to spackle. Spackle is a substance that is used to fix holes and cracks in walls. The Holy Spirit is the spiritual equivalant of spackle. What spackle is able to do for a wall the Holy Spirit is able to do for our lives! It can allow us to be guided towards happiness. It can give us the comfort that we have never felt from our methods of escaping and numbing. See the blog at: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/holy-spirit.html to read about the power the Holy Spirit possesses!