The Sky is the Limit - My Story as related to Heroes in Recovery

My story was recently put on the Heroes in Recovery website. I would ask that you visit their website (www.heroesinrecovery.com) and check out everything that they are doing to break stigma and share the hope that there is a Better Life in Recovery. Here is the link to my story on their website: http://heroesinrecovery.com/stories/9206/

Here is what they printed:

Hi, my name is David and I am a person in long-term recovery. What that means for me is that I have not used drugs or alcohol since January 31, 2009 and because of that I have been able to accomplish things I never would have dreamed possible. I am a husband, father, sponsor, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, hope dealer and director of the nonprofit Better Life in Recovery (BLiR).

I was abused physically and sexually as a child. I used alcohol and other drugs to escape my past and deal with anger, depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder I was diagnosed with. I was introduced to methamphetamine my senior year, and partying ended up being more important than school so I dropped out of school.

After over 20 years of substance use, attempting suicide, dying more times than I can count on one hand and being to jail more times than I can count on my fingers and toes I thought nothing would ever change. Boy was I wrong.

I asked God for something different, and He answered that prayer. I have not used since I decided to focus on recovery instead of substance abuse. My focus shifted. I paid attention to my successes instead of my failures. I applied the five pillars of recovery: Higher Power, meetings, sponsor, accountability partners and the 12 steps. Then I added the missing piece, service to my community, and it has made all the difference.

Don’t get me wrong, my life has had ups and downs. At times, life kicks me in the butt and my world shakes. The difference is how I cope with that today. I work through my problems and conquer them instead of letting them beat me. Doing this has made me stronger and wiser! I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope!

Currently, I am a counselor for the Greene County, MO treatment courts through Preferred Family Healthcare. I went from high school drop out to having four college degrees. I married an amazing woman and we have an amazing family. I sit on multiple boards and planning committees that are focused on making the world a better place.

My passion is BLiR. Our mission is transforming lives with recovery. We deal hope and reduce stigma people who struggle with substance use and mental health issues face through community service, education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. In 2012 we did one event, in 2013 we did three events, in 2014 we did eight and we are aiming for over 50 events in 2015 with weekly fellowship events.

Today, I know the sky is the limit for people in long-term recovery. My goal is to educate people on the wonders of long-term recovery, give people who are still struggling hope they can achieve long-term recovery and people in recovery the courage to come forward and be proud of who they have become while rejoining and making their communities better!

The Platinum Rule

Most of us know the Golden Rule, or ethic of reciprocity, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." That was a quote attributed to Jesus in the New Testament. That sounds great, doesn't it? It sounds so good that you can find it in just about any other religion as well:

• Judaism, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
• Confucianism, "Try your best to treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself." 
• Hinduism, "One should not behave towards others in a way which is disagreeable to oneself." 
• Islam, "Not one of you is a believer until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself." 
• Jainism, "A man should wander about treating all creatures as he himself would be treated." 
• Buddhism, "Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find harmful."

I have heard this saying multiple times throughout my life. I seldom saw it applied so I never really took the time to think it out. It did not register with me because I knew no one would want to be treated as I thought I should be. As a child who was physically and sexually abused as a child, I always felt less then. I expected to be treated poorly and looked down on by people. I thought that was my penance for the sexual abuse I had undergone. I was dirty and disgusting and I deserved to be whatever I got because of it. I never once doubted the beatings I underwent were not deserved. I thought that I deserved to be hurt. I was an outcast.

As I grew up, I became very angry and violent. The saying I heard was, "Do unto others as they would do unto you, but be first." That became my motto. In my addiction, my anger and self-loathing grew. I could only find happiness in chaos and that was fleeting at best. I wanted to die, and tried to put myself in countless situations were that would happen. In fact, I tried to kill myself once and almost succeeded. I wanted people to hurt me. I wanted someone to kill me. So at this point, I am sure you can see how the Golden Rule would have not been very Golden of me to follow.

As I got sober, I still believed that I deserved to hurt. I felt that I deserved pain for all of the people I had hurt. After all, there was a massive trail of broken lives in the wake of the tornado my addiction had created. I was actually going to see a dominatrix when I first sobered up. Then the Golden Rule was reintroduced to me by my sponsor. I still had trouble understanding it.

Next he introduced me to the Silver Rule, thinking I could understand that better. The Silver Rule posits, "One shouldn't treat others in a way they would not like to be treated." This still did not work due to my low self-esteem and disappointment in myself. I knew that I deserved all the bad I had gotten in my life and a lot more. When bad things happened, I chalked them up to karma and me reaping what I had sowed.

As I stepped into recovery, that just did not work for me. I had to become more positive, and making amends as I worked through the steps helped me, but I needed more. What I discovered was, as much as I disliked myself I loved my sister. At the time she was the person I loved the most. I did not ever want to see someone mistreat her. Even in my addiction, I always had her back. This is where I came up with the Platinum Rule:

TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO TREAT THE PERSON YOU CARE ABOUT MOST

That was all it took to get me to understand the Golden Rule and apply it to my life in early recovery. When I had my son, he was added as a person I care about the most. Then I got married and my wife was added to the list, then my daughter was added after her birth. That expanded my list and made most situations I would find myself in very easy to come up with the right answer to. How did I apply the Platinum Rule? Here are a few examples:

1. Would I want someone to gossip about my sister and spread rumors about her? NO! I would want them to come to her with their problem so that it could be worked out. Therefore, I try not gossip about other people behind their backs and come to them when I have problems. 
2. Would I want someone to beat up my son because they were told that he wronged them? NO! I would want them to be handle the situation like adults instead of hotheaded children. So when I hear someone wrongs me, instead of hurting them as I did in the past I try to talk to them and find out the truth of what is going on. 
3. Would I want someone to yell at my wife if they had a problem with her? NO! I would want them to treat her with respect. So I don't yell at people when I have a problem with them, instead I calmly talk to them so we can squash the issue. 
4. Would I want someone to break into my daughter's house and steal from her? NO! By process of elimination I do not steal from other people. 

As you can see, the Platinum Rule works for just about any situation that you find yourself in. This rule has made a ton of difference in my recovery. When used properly it takes you a minute before you act. Trust me, for a lot of us that is not a bad thing. I was very impulsive in my past, and I seldom made the wisest choices when I jumped right into things. In fact, 99.9% of the time I made the absolute worst decision. That all has changed due to me changing my thought process. Now I ask myself, "Is this how I would want someone to treat my son, my daughter, my sister, my wife?" If it isn't, then I have no business treating them that way.

As usual, thanks for reading! I hope that this is something that you can apply to your life. Let me know if it helps!!

As a quick disclaimer, this is not the Platinum Rule that is trademarked. That Platinum Rule says that we are to, "Treat others the way they want to be treated." That is a horrible rule, in my opinion. I work with a lot of people who struggle with addictions and mental illnesses. Take me for example. If you were to have treated me how I wanted to be treated 10 years ago, you would have shot me in the head and put me out of my misery. That, or you would have got me high. Bad idea, in my opinion! I definitely don't want the Platinum Rule I discuss confused with that one!
 

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I have been through several bad break-ups. I can count on one hand the number of break ups I have had that hurt me, and of those three were truly brutal. I am going to talk about the most recent break up that I had. This is one of the ones that really hurt me. For those of you that know me, you may be a bit surprised at this since it happened earlier this year.

About 6 months ago I had a 5 year relationship end. I was beginning to have doubts about the relationship, and was uncertain how to move forward. Should I end it, should I work through it. I didn't really know what I was going to do for sure. I talked about my dilemma with a group of friends at my birthday party and somebody went and told. My ex found out, and the decision I was unsure of making was made for me.

It hurt me, but I don't think I realized the extent of that pain until recently. It has really made it hard to move forward, but I am getting ahead of myself. To help you understand why it hurt me so bad, I feel that I should start at the beginning. The summer before I started 9th grade, I was fixed up by my dad and step-mother in a relationship. I know that sounds weird, but it happened. I guess they thought they knew what was best for me.

So we started seeing each other. As we got to spending more time together, we started having more and more in common. We spent a lot of time together, and suddenly we had the same interests. We shared hobbies and soon all of our friends were shared. It was then that I decided to open up and let someone in.

Dropping my walls and opening up was really rough for me. I had lost faith at a young age. I was abused physically, sexually and emotionally by people that were supposed to care and protect me. I thought I would never leave myself open to be hurt again. It took me some time, but I felt myself starting to care and trust again. I was beginning to believe it could happen.

I was wrong. Less than a year into that relationship, it ended. I made a couple of mistakes that I did not feel were that serious, and yet I was told we were done. When that happened, I had most of my friends stripped from me. In this break up, all of our friends chose sides and it wasn't mine. They sided with my ex and stopped talking to me.

I was hurt, but it was only a year relationship and I got over it. I made new friends pretty quickly, or so they thought. The truth was, the walls were back up and they were stronger and more impenetrable than ever. I was not going to let anyone or anything get to close to me. To insure that, I started using drugs and alcohol on a daily basis. It numbed me and allowed me to keep my distance.

I did this for years. I used more frequently and in larger amounts as my addiction grew. Soon I was confident that I would never be hurt again. I took pride in it, and most of my friends became people that were either hurt like I was or were celibate. Then I met a couple that changed the way I felt. They were in a relationship that was unlike any I had seen. It was real.

They talked to me about getting into a relationship like they had.  The more time I spent around them, the more I could see that their relationship was genuine and I wanted what they had. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted to trust again. More than anything, I wanted to have hope again. I was fresh out.

So finally I let them set me up. I was very wary at first. I was slow to open up. We would only go out once or twice a month. Even though I saw my friend's relationship was real, I was reticent to open up again. I had already seen what would happen if a relationship went south. I had seen it before, and I was sure that it would happen again if I opened up. I did not want to hurt like that again.

Over time, as we continued seeing each other, I began to get comfortable. I heard the things I needed to hear and began to develop feelings but I denied them. I continued to keep my distance and kept my walls up. Then one night I had a life changing event and decided to give it a chance. I would open myself up again and really pour myself into the relationship.

And pour I did. We began seeing each other a couple of times a week. I found myself talking about the relationship with my friends and coworkers, as well as telling them all the reasons I felt as I did. Soon, I began to believe that this time was different and I really opened up. My faith was restored, and I finally began to trust again.

Soon, almost all of the friends we had were shared. Our weekends revolved around each other, and we would frequently see each other during the week as well. We picked up a couple of shared hobbies, and I was sold. This time I was pretty sure I had found the one.

As I felt this, I began to read about other relationships and what people thought of them. I read books written by some of the most prominent authors on relationship; from both the present and the past. I also read what many consider to be the ultimate guide on relationships, the Bible. You see, the relationship I am talking about is the relationship I had with the church. The authors I am talking about are Francis Chan, Os Guiness, Charles Spurgeon, A.W. Tozer, G. Campbell Morgan, etc.

They made me start to look at the church I was going to in a different way. Then I began to see some faults. I felt some of the things I had partnered with them on were not supported the way I saw them support other people. Things had changed, some for the better and some of them for the worse. It was the ones that had changed for the worse I had issues with.

The church had opportunities to make things better in my opinion, and they did not. I decided to visit a couple of other churches to see what they had to offer. There were a lot of differences between the church I attended, the ones I visited and the mission of the church the authors I was reading espoused.

I wrote a blog called "The Secular Church" about those differences after a particularly bad experience at a church I visited. I was not sure what I wanted to do. I needed some input. My wife threw a surprise birthday party for me and invited my close friends. One of my friends talked about switching churches, and I said that I was having some thoughts about it too. I told my friends that I was unsure of what to do and we talked about the problems I was having then we went our separate ways.

Somehow church leadership found out about the struggles I had talked about at my birthday party.  That, coupled with the blog I had written, led to a divide between the church and me. I am unsure if it was hurt feelings or pride on my side, their side or both that caused the division. There were awkward things said and done. Even if I had wanted to stay, at this point my wife and I felt like we could not. It culminated with my wife being asked not to sing on a Sunday she was scheduled to lead worship.

At that point we stopped attending, and started looking for a new church. This is where we find ourselves now. I have not been attending a church regularly or consistently since the break up. I find myself on Sundays struggling to make it to church. I wake up on Sundays and I am not excited like I used to be for church. Instead, I am once again wary and putting up walls to keep me safe. I don't want to get hurt again. It has happened twice before.

My first experience with church was going with my parents. My parents would yell and scream at each other all the way there, then get out of the car and act like nothing had happened. Our parents had a friend of theirs from the church babysit us and that was the person who molested me. This is why I stopped attending church in the 4th grade.

Five years later I was made to go to the Kingdom Hall. That is the prior relationship I was talking about in 9th grade. I was lulled in and gave the church another try. One of the elders at the Kingdom Hall had two daughters. I made out with one of them, and my step-brother made out with the other. Nothing happened to the elder's daughters. My step-brother and I were disassociated, which means that we were excommunicated from the church and everyone there was forbidden to talk to us.

I am right back to where I was after that last time, only this time my friends are not forbidden from talking to me. Instead, it just seems kind of awkward. I talk to them and they ask what happened, if I answer their question they get offended. Some of the people who used to call me frequently have stopped calling me. Most of our shared friends don't seem to be as friendly as they once were. That is one of the ways it feels like past break ups.

Then there are the people who we run into that don't know we are no longer attending the same church. It is like running into someone you have not seen in a while who asks how you and your partner are doing when you are no longer together. Just a couple of weeks ago, I ran into someone who asked why my wife Julie was no longer singing. When I told them we were no longer going there, they were shocked. They thought we were just going to a different service then they were and they wanted to know why we left.

That is another difficulty, how do you answer that question, "Why don't you go there any more?" I always answer that question, as the Bible tells us to always bring to light things done in the dark. That and I have always been a pretty honest person since I got saved. Some would say I am too open and honest.

The problem now is that I compare every church to the last one I went to. I want all that was right with my old church coupled with all of the things I thought were wrong corrected to be present. Then it has to be a place that can use the God given talents that my wife and I have been blessed with. Unfortunately, I am having trouble getting close to any church. I am making excuses to not go to church which is a bad deal but I have good cause.

I am separated from the church I considered to be my home for 5 years as well as many of my friends. Since I had invested so much into it, I guess that it will take a lot longer to work through than I had originally thought it would. But I am coming to realize a couple of things that may help me as I pray on them and turn them over to God.

I forgot that churches are filled with people, who are imperfect. I realize that as hurt, confused and betrayed as I feel I am sure that there must have been others who felt the same way at my old church or it would not have ended as it did. I think that a big part of my pain was not leaving on my terms but instead feeling no longer welcome and my wife being asked not to sing. I took it as personally as my blog must have been taken by others.

In closing I ask for prayer for both my wife and I. We need understanding and strength to work through our still present confusion and hurt as well as a new home church that is Biblically sound, community focused and can use the abilities and gifts my wife and I have to further their ministries.

Why I am GRATEFUL for my addiction

GRATITUDE! It is really easy to be grateful for the good times. The bad times we have trouble being grateful for. We often see quarterbacks thank God after a touchdown and boxers after a victory. We do not see them showing gratitude after the interception they throw or the knockout they suffer. I hope they give thanks and express gratitude in private. If they do not, they should be! I dare each and every one of you to "Tebow" when you have setbacks and thank God!

How idiotic does that sound to you? I know that this is a hard concept for a lot of us to grasp, being grateful for our shortcomings, traumas and miscues. Why should we grateful? Thanking God for our loses and hurts sounds insane to us, but it should not be.

Most athletes interviewed years after huge losses share that it was the loss that led them to work that much harder to become better and insure that it would not happen again. Strategists learn just as much from their defeats as their victories, probably more. We learn from the valleys, not the peaks!

 Ultimately there are multiple reasons to be grateful for the pain and mistakes of and from our past. Hopefully you remember the saying, "Those who do not know their past are doomed to repeat it." It means that we should learn from our mistakes and prepare ourselves so that they do not reoccur. I have been through multiple experiences in the past where I was hurt by others, I hurt others, or I hurt myself. The beautiful thing is that I can use those experiences to teach me how not to hurt or be hurt in the future.

Being hurt by myself /others and hurting myself/others has taught me how to deal with the hurt. I know what it feels like to hurt and therefore I can cope with it better than most. Mike Tyson had a saying that I really like, "Everybody has a plan until they're getting punched in the face." That is why in sparring people get hit hundreds of times in the face and body, because that teaches them how to take the hits and still think coherently and continue performing. Due to the trauma in my past, I can go through hell and keep functioning well.

I also have the ability to help others going through extreme situations that most do not have. I can help others and be more genuine and empathetic with them because I too have been through similar situations. Not saying that you have to go through hard times to help others through them, but it doesn't hurt. In fact it only helps. Having that first-hand knowledge helps me be more effective in helping others.

Finally, I think that all of the situations I have been through make me much more appreciative of my relationship with Christ and of my recovery. As an Agnostic and an addict I knew what it was like to live through hell. I knew how it felt to be rudderless and hopeless when crisis occurred. Life had me beat!

In Christ and recovery I know what it is to live through hell, because bad things still happen. The difference is that now I have direction and hope. I am eternally optimistic! I have an attitude of gratitude because I always know that it could be worse, I have already been there. Bottom line, even when I lose I win.

So when you hear someone say that they are grateful for their addiction, or their depression, or the abuse they suffered as a child hopefully you will not think them crazy. Instead you will know that they are not saying they are HAPPY that it happened, but instead they are saying that they are STRONGER and WISER because of it. They are saying they would not be the person they are today without it..........and they love who they are today!