The 4th of July is called Independence Day. It is the day that the United States declared that it would no longer be dependent on Great Britain. The United States, in the Declaration of Independence, told Great Britain that they would no longer be under their control. Most people, when they hear Independence Day automatically think of July 4th. I do not.
There is another date that comes to my mind when I hear the words Independence Day. The date that comes to my mind is January 31st, 2009. You see, when I hear independence my mind as one who is in recovery instantly defines that word. I think of no longer being dependent upon something to be able to function or exist. When I think of independence I think of recovery.
The word recovery was never part of my vocabulary. Not unless I was in a serious car accident or had overdosed, which I did frequently. It was not part of my language because I was what most would consider a lost cause, a lifer. I had been smoking cigarettes, using drugs/alcohol for over 25 years when 2009 rolled around. I was not really expected to change my ways. Most people had given up on me.
It was the same as pretty much every other year when 2009 started, yet at the same time it was really different. I had stopped shooting up in 2001, and had traded out my addiction to drugs for an addiction to alcohol. I could justify that. It was legal, and at least I wasn't doing drugs. Soon my drinking spiraled out of control and by 2009 I would wake up some nights with shakes and have to drink to make the shakes subside so that I could go back to sleep.
My addiction in 2009 was just as bad if not worse than it had ever been. It may have been legal, but I blacked out most nights and frequently drove home when I had no business walking. I am still amazed that I never killed anyone. In all, I have totaled 4 vehicles. The worst accident I had I flew a Firebird 97 feet and got 32 into the air before crashing into trees. Plus, I was still smoking cigarettes, getting into fights, sleeping around, cussing and I was a very outspoken Agnostic.
There were some differences, though. I was a father, which had only happened two years earlier. My father was gone, having committed suicide in February of 2008. I was also fighting with my son's mother over visitation, which was rough. Finally, I had started going to church in Fall of 2008. That was different for me as church was also not in my vocabulary.
I would still adamantly tell you that I was Agnostic, but I was going to church because a couple that were the only friends I thought I had were going there and they had a recovery meeting that I could go to and be honest without seeing clients from the facility that I worked at. I was not going weekly, but I would go there once or twice a month. Then something happened, my Independence Day.
I had left a bar and was on my way home when a police car pulled behind me and began to follow me. He followed me through multiple turns and I began to make deals with God about me not getting pulled over and the things that I would do if He made me getting home safely a reality. Needless to say, He did and I have had to keep my part of the bargain. You can read about that experience here http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/03/impact-that-im-not-who-i-was-by-brandon.html
There is a piece of the Declaration of Independence that also applies here. The founder's of our country said, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." This really applies to all of us who are consumed with life controlling issues.
In my addiction, I had no true life or liberty. I was running from pain and depression, but the truth is without facing them I would never be happy. Freedom is now what you have to do, but what you don't have to do. I had to do drugs, had to drink, had to fight, had to sleep around to feel better about myself and not feel physically ill.
That is just not a good direction for life, but I did not know any better. I did not know any better because I had lived my life with hope in nothing and no one but myself. Well, myself and my addictions. I would have told you that I was Agnostic but that wasn't really true. I had made addiction my god. It was the focus of my every waking thought. If I was not using, I was making plans to and looking forward to it all day.
There is no independence in that life, only dependence. Over the course of my addiction, I tried everything secular that I could find to no avail. Whether it was rehab, prison, 12 step meetings, counseling or medication I always relapsed sooner than later. The longest I went without use was a 3 month stint. That is including the first 30 days that I spent in a residential drug rehabilitation center.
The outcome was always the same, me using. Then one night I was desperate and I prayed to God to help me overcome my addictions. He has kept his part, and I have not smoked a cigarette, drank, used drugs, slept around or gotten into a fight since then. Phillipians 4:13 is right when it says "I can do all things through He who strengthens me." I am living proof.
I hope that you enjoy a great 4th,filled with baseball games, fireworks and BBQ to bless your day. But while you are enjoying your day I also hope you remember that as a Christian you have true independence. Thanks to the sacrifice of Christ you have freedom from sin and by proxy from death, since the wage of sin is death. This above all we must give thanks for.
So although July 4th is the national date that Americans celebrate their country's Independence on, we are not of this world. I appreciate the sacrifices that our troops made back then just as I appreciate the sacrifices that they make today. More than all of those, I appreciate the sacrifice that Christ made 2,000 years ago that bought me independence from death and the promise of everlasting life. I also am forever grateful for the Holy Spirit that has filled, guided and enabled me to stay abstinent since February 1st of 2009.
This blog is about my experience with childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse that led me to addictions and mental health issues and how I found a #BetterLifeInRecovery.I share the tools that have taken me #FromDealingDopeToDealingHope in the hopes you can use them to rebuild your life! Together we are #TransformingLivesBySharingRecovery! #HopeDealer #StigmaKiller
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
What is A Moral Failure
I heard today that Pastor Tommy, who I think is an amazing pastor, stepped down as the lead pastor at North Point Church for what was called a "moral failure." I have never heard of a moral failure before, and I will not presume to know what he did or did not do. Everyone else can speculate about what he did. Personally, hearing the news today made me think about the affects that his stepping down could have on some of my friends and clients who go to North Point Church. So, this blog is for all of you.
First, what is a moral failure? As someone who is in recovery, I would imagine it is what I would call a relapse. If you are on parole you call it recidivism. Others might label it sin, character flaws, stumbling, sexual indiscretions or any number of other things. Bottom line, you messed up! That might be the best way to say moral failure, really. For the purpose of this blog moral failure will be referred to as relapse.
So, what is a relapse? Imagine you have sworn off something: drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, premarital sex, cheesecake, cutting yourself, cussing, etc. You are off to a good start. A good start is labeled differently by different people for different transgressions. It might be 4 hours, a day, a month or 10 years without a relapse. You are kicking butt and taking names, and all of a sudden you do it again.
One day you find yourself smoking that cigarette you swore off, or having sex with someone other than your spouse and breaking your wedding vows. All that you can think is, "How could this have happened?" You want to know how? In the program they say that addiction is cunning, baffling and strong. I think that addiction and the devil are synonymous, and they are experts at what they do.
At one time Satan was in control of my life. I was his soldier, and my lifestyle carried out his bidding. I had actually made drugs my god. When I got saved, the devil was kicked out of my life. He was no longer the main focus. That said, he is still there. Remember, the biggest trick the devil can pull off is convincing us that he no longer exists. When we do that, we immediately let him back into our lives.
Even if you are aware of him, remember that he is still aware of you too. Right now the devil is in the back of your head. Satan is lifting weights, running on the treadmill and doing research on the internet. He is getting stronger and smarter with only one goal. The Devil wants to get back into your life! He wants to move from the back of your brain and into the front of your brain.
The sad thing is that Satan has a plethora of tools at his disposal. This is his world and he knows it well. He can use your friends and family. He can use the television or the radio. He can use the gas station or even church. If you stop sleeping around, he will use porn. If you stop doing drugs, he will come at you with energy drinks. If you swear off R-Rated movies, he will come at you from the television and the radio. He does not like to lose. The devil will stop at nothing to have you back. He will use any one, any thing and any place to accomplish that goal!
He will also use the people that we put upon a pedestal. For some that may be Pastor Tommy, and that is what scares me for some of my clients. They attend North Point and they have elevated Tommy to hero status. The problem with heros is that they are still human. My experience with hero worship was my sponsor in Narcotic's Anonymous. He had 11 years clean and had been my sponsor for 7 years when he relapsed. It started harmlessly, he drank a couple of O'Douls at a bachelor party. Two weeks later he was shooting up heroin.
How could that happen? How could someone with that much clean time fall off the wagon? I'll tell you how, because we all are capable of messing up if we let our guard down for one minute. Putting someone on a pedestal is always a mistake, because we all slip sometimes. Romans 3:23 says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." That means everyone, even a favorite parent or your pastor, makes mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes.
Look in the Bible. David slept with a married women then had her husband put into the front lines and abandoned so that he would die. Peter denied Christ 3 times. Paul wrote over half of the New Testament, and in Romans 7 he said that he wanted to do good things, but found himself not doing them. Instead, he found himself doing evil things that he didn't want to do.
So when someone messes up, what should we do? Should we humiliate them, or abandon them? Should we avoid them and talk poorly about them? Should we pray for them and offer our support? I would advise the latter. We should pray for them, and if it does not jeopardize us we should be there for them, also. I have told friends that I could not meet them at their house where I knew they were using, but that if they wanted to meet me at an NA meeting I would talk to them after it. Be safe, but be supportive!!
When someone has a relapse, I always remember the saying but for the grace of God, there go I. I could just as easily have suffered the same fate if not for God's mercy. I need to appreciate what I have and remember that God loves us all, even the sinner. 1 Timothy 1:15 reminds us that Christ came into the world to save sinners. We all have the ability to sin, to mess up, to relapse. So how do we protect ourselves from a relapse?
It requires a mentor/sponsor, accountability partners, working the 12 steps/living Biblically and actually applying them in our lives. We need to avoid places, people and situations that are dangerous. We need to read the Bible, truly study it and apply it. We also need to pray constantly. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says that we are to "pray without ceasing." We should always be in contact with God. Why is this important?
Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through He who strengthens me." Without Christ I was weak and a servant of Satan. With Christ I have overcame my addictions and have been able to share my faith, hope and recovery with others. That has been done, not by forgetting the Devil is there, but instead doing everything that I can to keep him at bay.
So I hope that my friends and associates who go to North Point are not shattered by the latest development there. Instead I hope that it reminds them how easy it can be to make mistakes. Hopefully they will focus more on their relationship with Christ and what they can do to make that relationship stronger.
When my sponsor relapsed, it did several things to me. First, it reminded me how strong addiction and by proxy Satan are. Second, it made me remember that my addiction doesn't take a day off, and neither should my recovery. I have to daily do things to build my sobriety and my relationship with Christ. That is because I know that Satan is using new tricks every day to get back into my life. As long as I stay prepared and vigilant, he will fail.
After my sponsor relapsed I was there for him with prayer and encouragement to help him back up. We talked daily and met at meetings several times a week. He had done so much for me, and I was blessed to be able to repay a small part of what he had done for me back to him. I am sure people feel the same way about Tommy. He has helped thousands. I hope that everyone remembers all that he and his family have done for them and that prayer and support rains down upon Tommy, his family and the North Point Community.
First, what is a moral failure? As someone who is in recovery, I would imagine it is what I would call a relapse. If you are on parole you call it recidivism. Others might label it sin, character flaws, stumbling, sexual indiscretions or any number of other things. Bottom line, you messed up! That might be the best way to say moral failure, really. For the purpose of this blog moral failure will be referred to as relapse.
So, what is a relapse? Imagine you have sworn off something: drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, premarital sex, cheesecake, cutting yourself, cussing, etc. You are off to a good start. A good start is labeled differently by different people for different transgressions. It might be 4 hours, a day, a month or 10 years without a relapse. You are kicking butt and taking names, and all of a sudden you do it again.
One day you find yourself smoking that cigarette you swore off, or having sex with someone other than your spouse and breaking your wedding vows. All that you can think is, "How could this have happened?" You want to know how? In the program they say that addiction is cunning, baffling and strong. I think that addiction and the devil are synonymous, and they are experts at what they do.
At one time Satan was in control of my life. I was his soldier, and my lifestyle carried out his bidding. I had actually made drugs my god. When I got saved, the devil was kicked out of my life. He was no longer the main focus. That said, he is still there. Remember, the biggest trick the devil can pull off is convincing us that he no longer exists. When we do that, we immediately let him back into our lives.
Even if you are aware of him, remember that he is still aware of you too. Right now the devil is in the back of your head. Satan is lifting weights, running on the treadmill and doing research on the internet. He is getting stronger and smarter with only one goal. The Devil wants to get back into your life! He wants to move from the back of your brain and into the front of your brain.
The sad thing is that Satan has a plethora of tools at his disposal. This is his world and he knows it well. He can use your friends and family. He can use the television or the radio. He can use the gas station or even church. If you stop sleeping around, he will use porn. If you stop doing drugs, he will come at you with energy drinks. If you swear off R-Rated movies, he will come at you from the television and the radio. He does not like to lose. The devil will stop at nothing to have you back. He will use any one, any thing and any place to accomplish that goal!
He will also use the people that we put upon a pedestal. For some that may be Pastor Tommy, and that is what scares me for some of my clients. They attend North Point and they have elevated Tommy to hero status. The problem with heros is that they are still human. My experience with hero worship was my sponsor in Narcotic's Anonymous. He had 11 years clean and had been my sponsor for 7 years when he relapsed. It started harmlessly, he drank a couple of O'Douls at a bachelor party. Two weeks later he was shooting up heroin.
How could that happen? How could someone with that much clean time fall off the wagon? I'll tell you how, because we all are capable of messing up if we let our guard down for one minute. Putting someone on a pedestal is always a mistake, because we all slip sometimes. Romans 3:23 says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." That means everyone, even a favorite parent or your pastor, makes mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes.
Look in the Bible. David slept with a married women then had her husband put into the front lines and abandoned so that he would die. Peter denied Christ 3 times. Paul wrote over half of the New Testament, and in Romans 7 he said that he wanted to do good things, but found himself not doing them. Instead, he found himself doing evil things that he didn't want to do.
So when someone messes up, what should we do? Should we humiliate them, or abandon them? Should we avoid them and talk poorly about them? Should we pray for them and offer our support? I would advise the latter. We should pray for them, and if it does not jeopardize us we should be there for them, also. I have told friends that I could not meet them at their house where I knew they were using, but that if they wanted to meet me at an NA meeting I would talk to them after it. Be safe, but be supportive!!
When someone has a relapse, I always remember the saying but for the grace of God, there go I. I could just as easily have suffered the same fate if not for God's mercy. I need to appreciate what I have and remember that God loves us all, even the sinner. 1 Timothy 1:15 reminds us that Christ came into the world to save sinners. We all have the ability to sin, to mess up, to relapse. So how do we protect ourselves from a relapse?
It requires a mentor/sponsor, accountability partners, working the 12 steps/living Biblically and actually applying them in our lives. We need to avoid places, people and situations that are dangerous. We need to read the Bible, truly study it and apply it. We also need to pray constantly. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says that we are to "pray without ceasing." We should always be in contact with God. Why is this important?
Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through He who strengthens me." Without Christ I was weak and a servant of Satan. With Christ I have overcame my addictions and have been able to share my faith, hope and recovery with others. That has been done, not by forgetting the Devil is there, but instead doing everything that I can to keep him at bay.
So I hope that my friends and associates who go to North Point are not shattered by the latest development there. Instead I hope that it reminds them how easy it can be to make mistakes. Hopefully they will focus more on their relationship with Christ and what they can do to make that relationship stronger.
When my sponsor relapsed, it did several things to me. First, it reminded me how strong addiction and by proxy Satan are. Second, it made me remember that my addiction doesn't take a day off, and neither should my recovery. I have to daily do things to build my sobriety and my relationship with Christ. That is because I know that Satan is using new tricks every day to get back into my life. As long as I stay prepared and vigilant, he will fail.
After my sponsor relapsed I was there for him with prayer and encouragement to help him back up. We talked daily and met at meetings several times a week. He had done so much for me, and I was blessed to be able to repay a small part of what he had done for me back to him. I am sure people feel the same way about Tommy. He has helped thousands. I hope that everyone remembers all that he and his family have done for them and that prayer and support rains down upon Tommy, his family and the North Point Community.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
All Alone
I started watching a movie called The Beaver that I figured would be cheesy. Instead, I found myself with a tear in my eye at the end because it reminded me of something. As the father and son hugged at the end, it made me remember that I will never again be able to hug my dad. He is gone, and has been for several years now. What the movie did was remind me of my own father. There were some similarities.
My father was mentally ill. He was Bi-Polar, and he would go from beyond happy to morbidly depressed. There was seldom an in-between. He did not have good or bad days. He had great or horrific days. I guess that over time it ate at him. Eventually it destroyed him. You can not live long as a Yo-Yo. Eventually your string breaks.
My dad had a habit of coming down from the happy highs and crashing immediately into great depressions, then he would shoot back up to the highs. He cycled like this for years. He would crash into the depression or his high would be so intense that he would have to be institutionalized. While in the hospital, my dad would get stabilized on medication. He would get out and do great on his medication. Life would be great and he would be normal, or at least as normal as a mentally ill Superman can get. After all, to me my dad was Superman!
Every time his world would come crashing down and they would rebuild it with medication and let him out. He always did great for a while. Then he would begin to believe that he did not need the medication, so he would stop taking it. He would do okay for months, then he would start the cycle all over again. Whether up or down, his roller coaster would begin and over the next year or two he would race up just to crash down until eventually he would get institutionalized. There his roller coaster would come to a stop.
Just to start all over again
And again
And again.
His last episode was not very different than all of the previous ones. He was on a manic episode and he came up to see me in Springfield from Florida. He came up for my graduation from college. The first of his kids to graduate and he wanted to see it. Not only was I graduating, but my girlfriend was on the verge of delivering his first grandchild. A grandson. Dad was excited.
Being excited while in the midst of a manic episode is a recipe for disaster. Not just for him, but for every one and everything that he was in contact with. He had bought a car in California after he flew out there to see his brother, and tried to drive it to Springfield. He was oblivious to anything extraneous. All that he knew was to keep gas in the car. He never checked the oil, and the engine blew. He left the car where it died and got a ticket on a Grey Hound. I came to pick him up at the station when he got to Springfield.
As I walked up behind my dad at the terminal to pick him up, he was in a group of 5 or 6 guys talking. The group was black and latino. He was the sole white person. The entire group was laughing as my dad was telling jokes in a fake accent. He turned and saw me, still speaking in this over the top Texas drawl.
He told them it was time to go, and they seemed to hate seeing him leave. All of the guys hugged my dad goodbye. That was my dad, he never met a stranger and everyone liked him. He was not just Superman to me, but to a lot of other people. When he was on his game you felt better just for talking to him. They had.
As we left he told me that he had faked the drawl the whole time he was on the bus, and everyone was convinced that he was from Texas. That was when I knew that I was in for a show. As he proceeded to talk to me in rhymes, I knew that the mania was bad. When it was bad he was always going, always. He stayed with me and my girlfriend, and he was always busy. Shopping and jogging, spending and running. That was my dad manic.
He was also stressful because when he was around he did not know when to stop. He would talk and take everything to far. If he was asked to stop, he would just keep on going. When depressed he would never start. When manic he would go for for eternity, or at least that was how it seemed. And he was manic. Don't get me wrong, not all was bad, though. His visit was a mixed bag.
He was there for my graduation. I was glad.
He was there and I was no longer on drugs. I was glad.
He was there and I was still drinking. He was not very happy about that one.
He was there and I was smoking cigarettes. He was not happy about that either.
He was there and I was still Agnostic. That may have been the worse thing I was doing in his eyes.
He asked if he could stay with me until his grandson was born. I told him okay. After all, we were only 10 weeks away. But he started to get worse. He was up constantly stressing me out. Starting fights with me over absolutely nothing. He would agitate me. That was hard for me to deal with, but he was my dad. I could take almost anything.
Almost.
Then he began to annoy and agitate my girlfriend, who was in her third trimester. I talked to him about not stressing her out, and he continued. Finally, I had enough. I told my dad that he had to go. I let him know that he was stressing out the mother of my unborn child, and I would not stand for that. I told my dad that he was leaving now. His suitcases were packed and waiting at the door.
"You are no longer welcome in my house." That was the last sentence I said to him that day. Today, those words still bounce in my head and ring in my ears. Little did I know, those would be the last words I would every speak face to face to my dad.
He listened.
He left.
He ended up taking a trip around the country. First he went to see his brother. He made him mad enough to tell him to leave. He visited his sisters, who he also enraged and subsequently they told him to go. He visited good friends all over the country, and he made all of them angry enough that he wore out his welcome everywhere. Even his wife divorced him, and she took the dog.
One night I got a call from him. It was February 11th. He sounded really down, but he made sure to let me know that he was proud of me. We talked about his grandson, who was born premature but was doing fine. We talked about his son, his ex-wife that he still talked to a lot and the debt he had amassed over the past year.
I let him know how depressed he sounded, and he told me that he was really down. He never left the house. All he did was lay on the couch and watch the television. He told me that he was having trouble pulling out this depression. He said that he had thought about suicide but that he did not have the means to do it.
He was upset that he had never gotten to meet DJ, his grandson. He was feeling overwhelmed because he had ran up lots of credit cards on his last manic episode. He was over $100,000 in debt and he was on disability. He would never get it paid off. He did not have a vehicle or the money to get one. He missed his dog, and he missed my little brother Tyler who was living with his ex-wife. He got to see him but not as much as he used to. Finally, he hated that he was living in a trailer. He said that he felt like "white trash."
I tried to cheer him up. I talked to him about getting a puppy. It would give him another dog, and walking it daily would get him out of the house. I reminded him that when my first year of grad school was over in 3 months that we were flying down to Florida and he would get to meet his grandson. I talked about when the next time Tyler was coming over and what they would do. We talked for an hour, and at the end he told me that he would leave the house the next day and get outside for a while.
"I promise."
The next night I was woken up by a county sheriff. He told me that something had happened to my dad. I needed to call a detective in Florida and talk to him. I asked the sheriff if he knew how my dad had killed himself. He said that he had no details, but I knew. I knew my dad had killed himself. I replayed our conversation and wondered what I could have done different. I should have made him promise not to kill himself. Instead, he had promised he would leave the house.
He didn't lie.
He did leave the house. He left and went shopping. He got two different kinds of insecticide and Tang drink mix. He came home and he mixed the two insecticides together with the drink mix. He used it to wash down several bottles of pills that he was prescribed for sleep, depression and to stabilize his mood swings. When the pain became too extreme he slashed his wrist. His game was finished, he was done.
He was ready to die.
You could tell that when the detective showed me the pictures from the security camera. They were of my dad buying the Tang and insecticide. He was smiling. He knew that the roller coaster ride that had been his life would be over soon. He was retiring his car. He could have peace, and that was all that he ever wanted.
Peace.
Looking back I see that the entire year was orchestrated. He saw everybody that loved him and infuriated them to the point of them telling him to leave. That way, he could justify what he did at the very end. He could feel that he was all alone and no one cared. I tried to screw that up in our last phone call. It didn't work. My little brother loved him and would come over to visit. That did not work either.
It was simply not enough.
My dad forgot something, though. He forgot that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. My baby brother was 13 when he walked into my dad's house and found him dead in the kitchen. That will live with him forever. I have family members that are still angry at my dad for taking his own life. There are still tears cried by a lot of us 4 years later.
Me? I am constantly haunted by the last words I ever said to my dad's face. They pop up with seemingly no provocation. Why? Because YOU NEVER GET A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE A LAST IMPRESSION. I am jealous of my niece because she got to meet my dad. My son never did. In fact, my son and soon to be born daughter never will. I will never have pictures of them together and they will never get to meet the coolest guy I ever knew.
Plus I am haunted by our last phone conversation. After all, I had a Bachelors in Psychology and Sociology and was in my second semester of grad school for Social Work. I should have known better. If it was a client I would have put him in the hospital for a 96 hour observation.
But he wasn't a client, he was my dad.
I have worked through it. I will never agree with suicide, but if he was that miserable I am glad that he is no longer suffering. I know how I am supposed to act in this situation, and what I would tell friends and clients. In fact, I know what I have told them. But that was them, this is me. It's different.
Over time I have come to see his death as another tool that I can use to help others. It gives me an empathy that I did not have before. I know what loss and horror feel like when you are sober and not doing drugs. I also know how it carves a hole in your heart when you work through intense loss sober.
I realize that I cannot change the past, and beating myself up over it does me no good. Not one time travel movie that I have ever seen impacted the person positively. Real life would be no different. Instead we learn to take those experiences and they make us stronger and wiser. We assimilate them into our very essence and grow.
My dad's death ended in my drinking spiraling out of control. How I stayed in graduate school and still maintained a 3.8 I will never know. I do know that my drinking led me to greater depths. In the end it combined with my break-up to leave me hopeless and void. Being hopeless led me to searching for purpose and meaning.
I found hope in Christ.
I found purpose and meaning in God. Out of my father's suicide I found life. I have been able to use that experience and many of my other past life experiences to help some find hope and to lead others to Christ. Out of his tragedy, great things have and will happen. Life's experiences make us one of two things, bitter or better. I choose better.
But as I watched the movie, the father's sanity returns and he realizes that his children do love him. He is not all alone. Tears of joy roll out of his eyes as he hugs his son. That is the part of the movie that made my eyes well up with tears. It hurts that in the end my dad felt all alone, like no one loved him. Plus, he left casualties. His entire family was forever impacted. From my brother who found him to his wife who divorced him to the son who told him that he was no longer welcome in his house.
He not only hurt us but he hurt himself. The kind of hurt that makes you take your own life. I would say that I cannot imagine that kind of pain, but I have slashed my wrists before too. Luckily, my sister found me passed out in a pool of blood while there was still time to save me. My father was found much too late.
All alone
In a pool of blood
My dad died on his terms.
It will forever impact my life.
My father was mentally ill. He was Bi-Polar, and he would go from beyond happy to morbidly depressed. There was seldom an in-between. He did not have good or bad days. He had great or horrific days. I guess that over time it ate at him. Eventually it destroyed him. You can not live long as a Yo-Yo. Eventually your string breaks.
My dad had a habit of coming down from the happy highs and crashing immediately into great depressions, then he would shoot back up to the highs. He cycled like this for years. He would crash into the depression or his high would be so intense that he would have to be institutionalized. While in the hospital, my dad would get stabilized on medication. He would get out and do great on his medication. Life would be great and he would be normal, or at least as normal as a mentally ill Superman can get. After all, to me my dad was Superman!
Every time his world would come crashing down and they would rebuild it with medication and let him out. He always did great for a while. Then he would begin to believe that he did not need the medication, so he would stop taking it. He would do okay for months, then he would start the cycle all over again. Whether up or down, his roller coaster would begin and over the next year or two he would race up just to crash down until eventually he would get institutionalized. There his roller coaster would come to a stop.
Just to start all over again
And again
And again.
His last episode was not very different than all of the previous ones. He was on a manic episode and he came up to see me in Springfield from Florida. He came up for my graduation from college. The first of his kids to graduate and he wanted to see it. Not only was I graduating, but my girlfriend was on the verge of delivering his first grandchild. A grandson. Dad was excited.
Being excited while in the midst of a manic episode is a recipe for disaster. Not just for him, but for every one and everything that he was in contact with. He had bought a car in California after he flew out there to see his brother, and tried to drive it to Springfield. He was oblivious to anything extraneous. All that he knew was to keep gas in the car. He never checked the oil, and the engine blew. He left the car where it died and got a ticket on a Grey Hound. I came to pick him up at the station when he got to Springfield.
As I walked up behind my dad at the terminal to pick him up, he was in a group of 5 or 6 guys talking. The group was black and latino. He was the sole white person. The entire group was laughing as my dad was telling jokes in a fake accent. He turned and saw me, still speaking in this over the top Texas drawl.
He told them it was time to go, and they seemed to hate seeing him leave. All of the guys hugged my dad goodbye. That was my dad, he never met a stranger and everyone liked him. He was not just Superman to me, but to a lot of other people. When he was on his game you felt better just for talking to him. They had.
As we left he told me that he had faked the drawl the whole time he was on the bus, and everyone was convinced that he was from Texas. That was when I knew that I was in for a show. As he proceeded to talk to me in rhymes, I knew that the mania was bad. When it was bad he was always going, always. He stayed with me and my girlfriend, and he was always busy. Shopping and jogging, spending and running. That was my dad manic.
He was also stressful because when he was around he did not know when to stop. He would talk and take everything to far. If he was asked to stop, he would just keep on going. When depressed he would never start. When manic he would go for for eternity, or at least that was how it seemed. And he was manic. Don't get me wrong, not all was bad, though. His visit was a mixed bag.
He was there for my graduation. I was glad.
He was there and I was no longer on drugs. I was glad.
He was there and I was still drinking. He was not very happy about that one.
He was there and I was smoking cigarettes. He was not happy about that either.
He was there and I was still Agnostic. That may have been the worse thing I was doing in his eyes.
He asked if he could stay with me until his grandson was born. I told him okay. After all, we were only 10 weeks away. But he started to get worse. He was up constantly stressing me out. Starting fights with me over absolutely nothing. He would agitate me. That was hard for me to deal with, but he was my dad. I could take almost anything.
Almost.
Then he began to annoy and agitate my girlfriend, who was in her third trimester. I talked to him about not stressing her out, and he continued. Finally, I had enough. I told my dad that he had to go. I let him know that he was stressing out the mother of my unborn child, and I would not stand for that. I told my dad that he was leaving now. His suitcases were packed and waiting at the door.
"You are no longer welcome in my house." That was the last sentence I said to him that day. Today, those words still bounce in my head and ring in my ears. Little did I know, those would be the last words I would every speak face to face to my dad.
He listened.
He left.
He ended up taking a trip around the country. First he went to see his brother. He made him mad enough to tell him to leave. He visited his sisters, who he also enraged and subsequently they told him to go. He visited good friends all over the country, and he made all of them angry enough that he wore out his welcome everywhere. Even his wife divorced him, and she took the dog.
One night I got a call from him. It was February 11th. He sounded really down, but he made sure to let me know that he was proud of me. We talked about his grandson, who was born premature but was doing fine. We talked about his son, his ex-wife that he still talked to a lot and the debt he had amassed over the past year.
I let him know how depressed he sounded, and he told me that he was really down. He never left the house. All he did was lay on the couch and watch the television. He told me that he was having trouble pulling out this depression. He said that he had thought about suicide but that he did not have the means to do it.
He was upset that he had never gotten to meet DJ, his grandson. He was feeling overwhelmed because he had ran up lots of credit cards on his last manic episode. He was over $100,000 in debt and he was on disability. He would never get it paid off. He did not have a vehicle or the money to get one. He missed his dog, and he missed my little brother Tyler who was living with his ex-wife. He got to see him but not as much as he used to. Finally, he hated that he was living in a trailer. He said that he felt like "white trash."
I tried to cheer him up. I talked to him about getting a puppy. It would give him another dog, and walking it daily would get him out of the house. I reminded him that when my first year of grad school was over in 3 months that we were flying down to Florida and he would get to meet his grandson. I talked about when the next time Tyler was coming over and what they would do. We talked for an hour, and at the end he told me that he would leave the house the next day and get outside for a while.
"I promise."
The next night I was woken up by a county sheriff. He told me that something had happened to my dad. I needed to call a detective in Florida and talk to him. I asked the sheriff if he knew how my dad had killed himself. He said that he had no details, but I knew. I knew my dad had killed himself. I replayed our conversation and wondered what I could have done different. I should have made him promise not to kill himself. Instead, he had promised he would leave the house.
He didn't lie.
He did leave the house. He left and went shopping. He got two different kinds of insecticide and Tang drink mix. He came home and he mixed the two insecticides together with the drink mix. He used it to wash down several bottles of pills that he was prescribed for sleep, depression and to stabilize his mood swings. When the pain became too extreme he slashed his wrist. His game was finished, he was done.
He was ready to die.
You could tell that when the detective showed me the pictures from the security camera. They were of my dad buying the Tang and insecticide. He was smiling. He knew that the roller coaster ride that had been his life would be over soon. He was retiring his car. He could have peace, and that was all that he ever wanted.
Peace.
Looking back I see that the entire year was orchestrated. He saw everybody that loved him and infuriated them to the point of them telling him to leave. That way, he could justify what he did at the very end. He could feel that he was all alone and no one cared. I tried to screw that up in our last phone call. It didn't work. My little brother loved him and would come over to visit. That did not work either.
It was simply not enough.
My dad forgot something, though. He forgot that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. My baby brother was 13 when he walked into my dad's house and found him dead in the kitchen. That will live with him forever. I have family members that are still angry at my dad for taking his own life. There are still tears cried by a lot of us 4 years later.
Me? I am constantly haunted by the last words I ever said to my dad's face. They pop up with seemingly no provocation. Why? Because YOU NEVER GET A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE A LAST IMPRESSION. I am jealous of my niece because she got to meet my dad. My son never did. In fact, my son and soon to be born daughter never will. I will never have pictures of them together and they will never get to meet the coolest guy I ever knew.
Plus I am haunted by our last phone conversation. After all, I had a Bachelors in Psychology and Sociology and was in my second semester of grad school for Social Work. I should have known better. If it was a client I would have put him in the hospital for a 96 hour observation.
But he wasn't a client, he was my dad.
I have worked through it. I will never agree with suicide, but if he was that miserable I am glad that he is no longer suffering. I know how I am supposed to act in this situation, and what I would tell friends and clients. In fact, I know what I have told them. But that was them, this is me. It's different.
Over time I have come to see his death as another tool that I can use to help others. It gives me an empathy that I did not have before. I know what loss and horror feel like when you are sober and not doing drugs. I also know how it carves a hole in your heart when you work through intense loss sober.
I realize that I cannot change the past, and beating myself up over it does me no good. Not one time travel movie that I have ever seen impacted the person positively. Real life would be no different. Instead we learn to take those experiences and they make us stronger and wiser. We assimilate them into our very essence and grow.
My dad's death ended in my drinking spiraling out of control. How I stayed in graduate school and still maintained a 3.8 I will never know. I do know that my drinking led me to greater depths. In the end it combined with my break-up to leave me hopeless and void. Being hopeless led me to searching for purpose and meaning.
I found hope in Christ.
I found purpose and meaning in God. Out of my father's suicide I found life. I have been able to use that experience and many of my other past life experiences to help some find hope and to lead others to Christ. Out of his tragedy, great things have and will happen. Life's experiences make us one of two things, bitter or better. I choose better.
But as I watched the movie, the father's sanity returns and he realizes that his children do love him. He is not all alone. Tears of joy roll out of his eyes as he hugs his son. That is the part of the movie that made my eyes well up with tears. It hurts that in the end my dad felt all alone, like no one loved him. Plus, he left casualties. His entire family was forever impacted. From my brother who found him to his wife who divorced him to the son who told him that he was no longer welcome in his house.
He not only hurt us but he hurt himself. The kind of hurt that makes you take your own life. I would say that I cannot imagine that kind of pain, but I have slashed my wrists before too. Luckily, my sister found me passed out in a pool of blood while there was still time to save me. My father was found much too late.
All alone
In a pool of blood
My dad died on his terms.
It will forever impact my life.
Friday, June 22, 2012
It's Hard to Stay Clean When You're Standing in the Mud
So now you have decided to get clean. You realize it is not going to be easy, but you are going to go to a residential rehabilition center for 20 days to start your sobriety off right. Then when you complete residential you are going to go to Narcotics Anonymous (or Alcoholics Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, Reformers Unanimous, etc.). You are going to work the 12 steps with a sponsor that you will find, or maybe already have.
"I am going to have a sponsor, a mentor, accountability partners, go to recovery meetings, church and work the 12 steps," you tell yourself and anybody that will listen. "This time, it is going to be different. This time, I am going to stay clean and sober when I get out of rehab!"
As a substance abuse counselor, I can't tell you how many times I hear this said by people who completely mean it. They are done with drugs and alcohol for a myriad of reasons. They might have had their children removed by Children's Division, or they have been arrested. Sometimes they are in drug court, or they have come to the realization that the next time they relapse will be the one that kills them. Maybe they just want their old life back.
Having these reasons listed in the last paragraph coupled with the supports in the paragraph second paragraph would seem to be enough to accomplish long-term sobriety. Nope!! For some reason, many people fail after leaving residential and they almost all tend to have the same thing in common. In fact, I know that a lot of my clients will relapse before they even leave residential treatment. I even let them know. A lot of times the other clients even let them know what they need to change, but yet they still do it.
So what is it? What is this thing that time and time again causes people to relapse, even after they are warned multiple times about it? I call it mud. And it is hard to stay clean when you are standing in the mud! So what is it that I call mud? Some would call it love, other's familiarity. Basically, it is the relationships that we have in our lives. It could be your best friend since kindergarten. It could be the person you have been dating for several years. It could be your spouse, your sibling or even a parent. It could be their house or the bar.
It could be anyone or any place, but they all have one thing in common. They are bad for your recovery because they are still engaged in substance abuse, alcoholism or criminal activities or they are happening there. You have got to get rid of these people. Family, you can love them from a distance. Friends and significant others, you just have to let them go.
There is a reason for this. Your addiction is in the back of your head: lifting weights, running on a treadmill and doing research on a computer. It is getting stronger and smarter, just looking for a way to get back into the front of your head. It will use any means necessary to get you to relapse, especially our old playmates. If you are around it, you will do it. The question no longer becomes whether or not you will relapse, but instead WHEN WILL YOU RELAPSE? It is inevitable.
The Bible says bad association spoils useful habits. I think of a song by Rascal Flatts called "Moving On." In the song they say, "I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different but they're always the same. They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change. But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong, I'm moving on!" If you want your life to change, you have to change it. You have to move on, staying rooted to people and places spells doom!
If you continue to live in addiction and chaos you will get caught up eventually, guaranteed. Like the program says, if you sit around a barber shop eventually you're going to get a hair cut. I say, if you sit around the mud long enough, eventually your going to get dirty! The reason is that your addiction is strong and it just gets stronger. It never takes a day off! Drugs and alcohol are everywhere, and if you stay around people who are still using or go to places where people use, eventually you will too.
If you want your life to change, you have to change everything about it. You cannot hold on to any one part of your life, or the Devil will use that to find a way back into your life. So how do we combat our addiction? There are a few steps that we have to take. If we take them, I have never seen anyone that was doing all of these fail:
"I am going to have a sponsor, a mentor, accountability partners, go to recovery meetings, church and work the 12 steps," you tell yourself and anybody that will listen. "This time, it is going to be different. This time, I am going to stay clean and sober when I get out of rehab!"
As a substance abuse counselor, I can't tell you how many times I hear this said by people who completely mean it. They are done with drugs and alcohol for a myriad of reasons. They might have had their children removed by Children's Division, or they have been arrested. Sometimes they are in drug court, or they have come to the realization that the next time they relapse will be the one that kills them. Maybe they just want their old life back.
Having these reasons listed in the last paragraph coupled with the supports in the paragraph second paragraph would seem to be enough to accomplish long-term sobriety. Nope!! For some reason, many people fail after leaving residential and they almost all tend to have the same thing in common. In fact, I know that a lot of my clients will relapse before they even leave residential treatment. I even let them know. A lot of times the other clients even let them know what they need to change, but yet they still do it.
So what is it? What is this thing that time and time again causes people to relapse, even after they are warned multiple times about it? I call it mud. And it is hard to stay clean when you are standing in the mud! So what is it that I call mud? Some would call it love, other's familiarity. Basically, it is the relationships that we have in our lives. It could be your best friend since kindergarten. It could be the person you have been dating for several years. It could be your spouse, your sibling or even a parent. It could be their house or the bar.
It could be anyone or any place, but they all have one thing in common. They are bad for your recovery because they are still engaged in substance abuse, alcoholism or criminal activities or they are happening there. You have got to get rid of these people. Family, you can love them from a distance. Friends and significant others, you just have to let them go.
There is a reason for this. Your addiction is in the back of your head: lifting weights, running on a treadmill and doing research on a computer. It is getting stronger and smarter, just looking for a way to get back into the front of your head. It will use any means necessary to get you to relapse, especially our old playmates. If you are around it, you will do it. The question no longer becomes whether or not you will relapse, but instead WHEN WILL YOU RELAPSE? It is inevitable.
The Bible says bad association spoils useful habits. I think of a song by Rascal Flatts called "Moving On." In the song they say, "I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different but they're always the same. They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change. But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong, I'm moving on!" If you want your life to change, you have to change it. You have to move on, staying rooted to people and places spells doom!
If you continue to live in addiction and chaos you will get caught up eventually, guaranteed. Like the program says, if you sit around a barber shop eventually you're going to get a hair cut. I say, if you sit around the mud long enough, eventually your going to get dirty! The reason is that your addiction is strong and it just gets stronger. It never takes a day off! Drugs and alcohol are everywhere, and if you stay around people who are still using or go to places where people use, eventually you will too.
If you want your life to change, you have to change everything about it. You cannot hold on to any one part of your life, or the Devil will use that to find a way back into your life. So how do we combat our addiction? There are a few steps that we have to take. If we take them, I have never seen anyone that was doing all of these fail:
- Put God first in everything that you do! This means we pray, read the Bible and meditate daily!
- Attend recovery meetings consistently (NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, etc.)
- Get a sponsor or mentor
- Work the 12 steps with that sponsor/mentor
- Apply the 12 steps to our lives (Knowing and doing are 2 completely different things!)
- Get accountability partners
- Get rid of your old playmates
- Stay away from your old playgrounds
- Find positive playmates and new playgrounds to frequent (We need to fill our lives with positive people and things, or the negative people and activities will find their way back into our lives)
Friday, June 15, 2012
Tactics by Gregory Koukl Chapter 9: Sibling Rivalry and Infanticide
Ther are many reasons that someone point of view can self-destruct. So far, you have covered two of them: Formal suicide and Practical Suicide. Today we will talk about two more self-defeating views: Sibling Rivalry and Infanticide. When someone has two objections that conflict, you have the Sibling Rivalry. If, on the other hand, someone's view is built upon a previous concept that disqualifies their view, then you have Infanticide.
In conversation sometimes, you will hear something that sounds strange. You will hear objections used by the same person that are not consistent with each other. Since they cannot both be valid, you only have to do half the work. A reasonable person will concede on at least one of their arguments, when they are pointed out to them. Sometimes they will silence both of their arguments when they are shown to be in conflict.
An example of Sibling Rivalry would be someone who looks at the world today and is angered. They read about someone who has abused children or a dictator killing innocent people and say, "A good, loving God would never let this happen." Yet when those same people hear that some will be judged by God say, "A good, loving God would never send anyone to hell." By their very arguments, if God does not act against evil, He cannot be good and loving. Yet when he does act to punish sin, his goodness and love are put into question.
Sibling Rivalry is also the issue moral relativists run into when objecting to evil. A relativist will argue that we all have our own morality. Right and wrong are the business of the individual, who are we to judge. Therefore, they cannot really define evil. Evil only means that something is wrong for them to do. If you label something as evil, that means that it is not the way it is supposed to be. Unless things are meant to be different, this is a senseless word. If the world is unjust, than there must be a higher justice.
What the moral relativist is saying is, "If God were really good and loving, He would only allow things that I like and wouldn't allow things I find displeasing." Gregory says, "The belief that objective good and evil do not exist (relativism) is i conflict (rivalry) with a rejection of God based on the existence of objective evil."
Infanticide is harder to understand. Imagine a father ending a letter with; "Son, if you didn't get this letter, please let me know, and I'll send you another. I made a copy." This is illogical because the son would have to receive the letter if he knew to ask for a copy, but if he got the letter he would not need the copy. There is a dependency here that is the very heart of Infanticide. Another example is saying "vocal chords do not exist." That statement in and of itself is not contradictory internally, but it requires vocal chords to speak the statement. So the parent concept (vocal chords) invalidates the child (claim there is no vocal chords).
The best example of Infanticide is when objectivists argue that God cannot exist because of evil. The atheist must first answer the question, "What do you mean by evil?" They will probably give examples: rape, murder, racism, child abuse. Those are good answers, but they miss the point. Where does their concept of evil come from. Before you can give examples of evil, you must know what evil is.
So, how do you know the difference between good and bad? Let's look at bowling. In bowling, good and bad can be measured by pin count. A 300 is supremely good, and rolling all gutter balls is supremely bad. Even in sports that you cannot be perfect in, such as golf, we still keep score. When we use the word evil we have a moral scoring system that we depend on. Evil means that when put on the goodness scale, we are on the low end. C.S. Lewis saw this same problem:
My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I gotten this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call something crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line.
This is the problem atheists will run into. Where have they gotten their concept of good that allows them to label something as evil? How can there be a moral scoring system if morals are nothing more than a product of chance. In fact, why obey them at all if that is the case. Who is it that establishes how things are supposed to be? In the movie The Quarrel, Rabbi Hersh says:
When it comes to morals, sometimes people think that atheists can't be moral. That is very untrue. They can be very moral, but they generally canot make sense of morality without God. Just because you can't explain gravity does not mean it does not work. The question for them is what grounds morality? Atheism creates a physicalist universe and morality is a nonphysical thing.
I would get into scientism as he does and how it commits suicide now, but that will take an entire blog. Look for a blog entitled Scientism Self-Destructs coming in the next week or so. See you next time when we look at Chapter 10!
In conversation sometimes, you will hear something that sounds strange. You will hear objections used by the same person that are not consistent with each other. Since they cannot both be valid, you only have to do half the work. A reasonable person will concede on at least one of their arguments, when they are pointed out to them. Sometimes they will silence both of their arguments when they are shown to be in conflict.
An example of Sibling Rivalry would be someone who looks at the world today and is angered. They read about someone who has abused children or a dictator killing innocent people and say, "A good, loving God would never let this happen." Yet when those same people hear that some will be judged by God say, "A good, loving God would never send anyone to hell." By their very arguments, if God does not act against evil, He cannot be good and loving. Yet when he does act to punish sin, his goodness and love are put into question.
Sibling Rivalry is also the issue moral relativists run into when objecting to evil. A relativist will argue that we all have our own morality. Right and wrong are the business of the individual, who are we to judge. Therefore, they cannot really define evil. Evil only means that something is wrong for them to do. If you label something as evil, that means that it is not the way it is supposed to be. Unless things are meant to be different, this is a senseless word. If the world is unjust, than there must be a higher justice.
What the moral relativist is saying is, "If God were really good and loving, He would only allow things that I like and wouldn't allow things I find displeasing." Gregory says, "The belief that objective good and evil do not exist (relativism) is i conflict (rivalry) with a rejection of God based on the existence of objective evil."
Infanticide is harder to understand. Imagine a father ending a letter with; "Son, if you didn't get this letter, please let me know, and I'll send you another. I made a copy." This is illogical because the son would have to receive the letter if he knew to ask for a copy, but if he got the letter he would not need the copy. There is a dependency here that is the very heart of Infanticide. Another example is saying "vocal chords do not exist." That statement in and of itself is not contradictory internally, but it requires vocal chords to speak the statement. So the parent concept (vocal chords) invalidates the child (claim there is no vocal chords).
The best example of Infanticide is when objectivists argue that God cannot exist because of evil. The atheist must first answer the question, "What do you mean by evil?" They will probably give examples: rape, murder, racism, child abuse. Those are good answers, but they miss the point. Where does their concept of evil come from. Before you can give examples of evil, you must know what evil is.
So, how do you know the difference between good and bad? Let's look at bowling. In bowling, good and bad can be measured by pin count. A 300 is supremely good, and rolling all gutter balls is supremely bad. Even in sports that you cannot be perfect in, such as golf, we still keep score. When we use the word evil we have a moral scoring system that we depend on. Evil means that when put on the goodness scale, we are on the low end. C.S. Lewis saw this same problem:
My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I gotten this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call something crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line.
This is the problem atheists will run into. Where have they gotten their concept of good that allows them to label something as evil? How can there be a moral scoring system if morals are nothing more than a product of chance. In fact, why obey them at all if that is the case. Who is it that establishes how things are supposed to be? In the movie The Quarrel, Rabbi Hersh says:
If there's nothing in the universe that's higher than human beings, then what's morality? Well, it's a matter of opinion. I like milk; you like meat. Hitler likes to kill people; I like to save them. Who's to say which is better? Do you begin to see the horror of this? If there's no master of the universe, then who's to say that Hitler did anything wrong? If there is no God, then the people that murdered your wife and children did nothing wrong.So why do we need a God? What purpose does God serve in the argument about morals and morality? A morally perfect God is the only plausible standard for a moral scoring system that contains at the bottom end evil. If God's existence makes evil intelligible, then evil cannot be evidence against God. In fact, it is great evidence for God. So morals actually prove that God exists!
When it comes to morals, sometimes people think that atheists can't be moral. That is very untrue. They can be very moral, but they generally canot make sense of morality without God. Just because you can't explain gravity does not mean it does not work. The question for them is what grounds morality? Atheism creates a physicalist universe and morality is a nonphysical thing.
I would get into scientism as he does and how it commits suicide now, but that will take an entire blog. Look for a blog entitled Scientism Self-Destructs coming in the next week or so. See you next time when we look at Chapter 10!
Monday, June 11, 2012
From Shack to Temple: Week 6
I realize that it has been 4 weeks since I wrote a blog in this series as I talk about my weight loss. The truth is, I got sick 3 weeks ago and went off the diet. I finally was feeling better by the beginning of the week. I am a male, and not to stereotype us, but I am the biggest baby when I get sick. If I have to get stitches, not a big deal. If I am sick, I moan and groan and whine all of the time. It is actually pretty pathetic and you should pray for my wife......she is a saint for putting up with me!
To continue with my illness, I eat comfort food when I am sick. The great thing was that through my eating poorly over several weeks I never got back to eating at the level that I generally do. I was bad, but not to the extreme that I as an addict generally go to. I weighed 234 on the 4th when I last weighed, and this week I weighed 228.4 so I lost 5.6 pounds this week and I am down 19.2 pounds.
I find losing almost 20 pounds amazing. I have switched over to the paleo, or caveman diet. That means that I am eating meat (free range chicken/eggs, wild fish and grass-fed beef), vegetables, fruit and nuts. There are no chemicals or preservatives and every thing is all natural. I love their motto, Just Chew It!
The first week was not so bad, but there was some definite cravings that I had to deal with, especially when you have a break room that looks like this last week. Another day it was 6 dozen donuts sitting in there.
I feel that I have been more successful this time and will continue to be so. I felt that a large part of the reason I was struggling in the beginning of this was depriving myself then having a splurge day that gave into my eating issues. With the paleo I will allow myself 1-2 cheat meals a week, not an entire day of gorging that I found myself doing in the first couple of weeks.
Internally I feel better this time, and although it says I am 6 weeks in I am actually 4 weeks in when you take away the 2 weeks I was sick. Either way, I will be down over 20 pounds by next week and that makes me happy. I am feeling great energy wise and internally, which is also good. Look forward to letting you know where I am at next week.
I find losing almost 20 pounds amazing. I have switched over to the paleo, or caveman diet. That means that I am eating meat (free range chicken/eggs, wild fish and grass-fed beef), vegetables, fruit and nuts. There are no chemicals or preservatives and every thing is all natural. I love their motto, Just Chew It!
The first week was not so bad, but there was some definite cravings that I had to deal with, especially when you have a break room that looks like this last week. Another day it was 6 dozen donuts sitting in there.
I feel that I have been more successful this time and will continue to be so. I felt that a large part of the reason I was struggling in the beginning of this was depriving myself then having a splurge day that gave into my eating issues. With the paleo I will allow myself 1-2 cheat meals a week, not an entire day of gorging that I found myself doing in the first couple of weeks.
Internally I feel better this time, and although it says I am 6 weeks in I am actually 4 weeks in when you take away the 2 weeks I was sick. Either way, I will be down over 20 pounds by next week and that makes me happy. I am feeling great energy wise and internally, which is also good. Look forward to letting you know where I am at next week.
From Shack to Temple Week 3 - Down 14.8 pounds
Just so you know, this was a very disappointing week for me. It should not be, after all I am down almost 15 pounds after 3 weeks. The problem is that my goal was to lose 3 pounds this week and I only lost 1.8 pounds. This would be troublesome, but I would rather look on the bright side. I do feel that this is not working, as my immune system is not doing very well. I will be looking to implement a new plan for my diet when I begin eating right again. I cannot stick to this while I am sick, I know that!
That said, since I am sick I do not really feel like writing more. I will continue this when I am feeling better. I am actually publishing this several weeks late. This should have been published on the 22nd of May and it is getting posted on June 11th.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Are You Grateful for Your Addiction? or Why I'm Glad To Be A Pickle
Have you ever wondered, "When will I feel or be the person that I used to be?" It could be because you struggle with addiction, you lived through a natural disaster, you were abused as a child or you lost a child. You want to get over it, to forget it and to move on. You want to forget that it happened so that your life can return to normal. I often have clients that I work with ask me the same question, "When do I get to be the person that I was before this happened?"
The short answer is, NEVER! Before you shut me out, hear me out. I was abused as a child, my parents separated and I blamed myself, other family members were abused and I blamed myself, I went to prison, I dealt drugs, I attempted suicide, I was involved in manufacturing methamphetamine and I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. There is nothing that I can ever do to change what I did in the past. No time machine to hop in and undo what I had already done.
Along the way I found that no amount of anger, anxiety, self-loathing, denial, depression, bargaining or escape will change my past. I wasted a lot of energy on that in my past, and yet everything that I had done remained done. I never was able to change the choices I made in my past. I beat myself up for years about it. I hated myself! Every time that I looked into a mirror I saw a convict, a junkie, and a dope cook. I was miserable, and I saw no way of ever escaping my past. I had not shot up in a decade and I still thought about it sometimes, and I still judged myself for doing it.
Then I heard an example that changed my life. I will share it with you know, and in the way that I now share it with others. We are all born cucumbers. That is not a bad thing, there is nothing wrong with a cucumber. It may be a little bland and tasteless. I cannot eat a cucumber all by itself. I generally need to dip it in ranch, or eat it with other things in a salad. As a cucumber, it is okay.
Know, take that cucumber and add some spices and vinegar and let it soak all that up and simmer in it. You know have a delicious pickle. That bland, ordinary cucumber has been transformed into something awesome! Just as we as humans are transformed by the things we experience and overcome in our lives. We have to soak in all of the negative things that happen to us, whether they are done by others or by our choice, and then use those to change us.
Before my addiction I was a cucumber, now I am a pickle. I have more flavor, so to speak. Thanks to my addictions, mental illnesses and abuse I have gained strength and wisdom that can only be gained through overcoming! Without my past, I am just like everybody else. I am normal. That is not a bad thing, the world needs normal people. That said, the world also needs pickles. Who better to help someone overcome an addiction than a former addict?
I do my job as well as I do for two reasons. One reason is that I have gone through extensive training in college and continuing education training. I have read countless books and listened to multiple experts in the field talk. The second reason is that I also have lived as an addict and by the Grace of God overcame my addictions. That gives me empathy that many do not have. It has allowed me to stay positive and hopeful when working with clients and friends who are struggling with life controlling issues.
In Celebrate Recovery we call them hurts, habits and hang-ups. We do that because it does not just have to be addiction. In fact, it seldom is only addiction! I was abused as a child, grew up in a split home, my father was an alcoholic, I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder as well as many other mental health diagnosis, I felt like I never fit in as a kid, attempted suicide, my father committed suicide, I have seen multiple people die, etc. Recovery is working through all of those issues and finding that a better life exists.
Without my past, those who I help would not listen nearly as much. They would not find the hope that they do, if they could not relate to me. Research shows that the therapeutic alliance is the single most important indicator of success! I can build that alliance because I am a pickle. Someone in the pickling process can talk to me or hear my story and know that they too can eventually step out of their addiction. As pickles we can impart hope to those who are still struggling that one day they too can be a pickle!
Now, if you wanted to take that pickle and turn it back into a cucumber could you do it? Of course not, once a cucumber is pickled it can never be unpickled! It has now underdone a permanent change and become something totally different. That said, why would it ever want to be a cucumber again? Now that I have some flavor (experience, wisdom and strength), why would I want to give that up?
When I think of people who save other's lives, there is a list that comes to my mind. I think of fire fighters, nurses, doctors, paramedics and addicts in recovery. All of those people have had to go through specialized training in order to save others. Some people go to college, or an academy to learn how to save lives. We lived life, and then either through the 12 steps or Christ (or both) we have overcame our issues and now we are willing to share our strength, experience and hope with others.
Since I have began to use my past to empower others, I have come to peace with my past. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope and I would never change what I do today. I not only get to talk to addicts, I also have the privilege of talking to pastors, chaplains, missionaries, college students, professors, substance abuse counselors, probation officers and the families and parents of addicts.
The short answer is, NEVER! Before you shut me out, hear me out. I was abused as a child, my parents separated and I blamed myself, other family members were abused and I blamed myself, I went to prison, I dealt drugs, I attempted suicide, I was involved in manufacturing methamphetamine and I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. There is nothing that I can ever do to change what I did in the past. No time machine to hop in and undo what I had already done.
Along the way I found that no amount of anger, anxiety, self-loathing, denial, depression, bargaining or escape will change my past. I wasted a lot of energy on that in my past, and yet everything that I had done remained done. I never was able to change the choices I made in my past. I beat myself up for years about it. I hated myself! Every time that I looked into a mirror I saw a convict, a junkie, and a dope cook. I was miserable, and I saw no way of ever escaping my past. I had not shot up in a decade and I still thought about it sometimes, and I still judged myself for doing it.
Then I heard an example that changed my life. I will share it with you know, and in the way that I now share it with others. We are all born cucumbers. That is not a bad thing, there is nothing wrong with a cucumber. It may be a little bland and tasteless. I cannot eat a cucumber all by itself. I generally need to dip it in ranch, or eat it with other things in a salad. As a cucumber, it is okay.
Know, take that cucumber and add some spices and vinegar and let it soak all that up and simmer in it. You know have a delicious pickle. That bland, ordinary cucumber has been transformed into something awesome! Just as we as humans are transformed by the things we experience and overcome in our lives. We have to soak in all of the negative things that happen to us, whether they are done by others or by our choice, and then use those to change us.
Before my addiction I was a cucumber, now I am a pickle. I have more flavor, so to speak. Thanks to my addictions, mental illnesses and abuse I have gained strength and wisdom that can only be gained through overcoming! Without my past, I am just like everybody else. I am normal. That is not a bad thing, the world needs normal people. That said, the world also needs pickles. Who better to help someone overcome an addiction than a former addict?
I do my job as well as I do for two reasons. One reason is that I have gone through extensive training in college and continuing education training. I have read countless books and listened to multiple experts in the field talk. The second reason is that I also have lived as an addict and by the Grace of God overcame my addictions. That gives me empathy that many do not have. It has allowed me to stay positive and hopeful when working with clients and friends who are struggling with life controlling issues.
In Celebrate Recovery we call them hurts, habits and hang-ups. We do that because it does not just have to be addiction. In fact, it seldom is only addiction! I was abused as a child, grew up in a split home, my father was an alcoholic, I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder as well as many other mental health diagnosis, I felt like I never fit in as a kid, attempted suicide, my father committed suicide, I have seen multiple people die, etc. Recovery is working through all of those issues and finding that a better life exists.
Without my past, those who I help would not listen nearly as much. They would not find the hope that they do, if they could not relate to me. Research shows that the therapeutic alliance is the single most important indicator of success! I can build that alliance because I am a pickle. Someone in the pickling process can talk to me or hear my story and know that they too can eventually step out of their addiction. As pickles we can impart hope to those who are still struggling that one day they too can be a pickle!
Now, if you wanted to take that pickle and turn it back into a cucumber could you do it? Of course not, once a cucumber is pickled it can never be unpickled! It has now underdone a permanent change and become something totally different. That said, why would it ever want to be a cucumber again? Now that I have some flavor (experience, wisdom and strength), why would I want to give that up?
When I think of people who save other's lives, there is a list that comes to my mind. I think of fire fighters, nurses, doctors, paramedics and addicts in recovery. All of those people have had to go through specialized training in order to save others. Some people go to college, or an academy to learn how to save lives. We lived life, and then either through the 12 steps or Christ (or both) we have overcame our issues and now we are willing to share our strength, experience and hope with others.
Since I have began to use my past to empower others, I have come to peace with my past. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope and I would never change what I do today. I not only get to talk to addicts, I also have the privilege of talking to pastors, chaplains, missionaries, college students, professors, substance abuse counselors, probation officers and the families and parents of addicts.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Tactics by Gregory Koukl Chapter 8: Practical Suicide.
Last chapter you learned that some people's objections you do not have to defend. Instead, you show that their point commits suicide, meaning all you have to do is ask questions about the point that is being made and it will fail. Some views can also be self-defeating, just in a different way. One of those ways is practical suicide.
In this type of suicidal view, "you can hold the view, but you can't promote it." I used to say that I could not stand prejudiced people. In saying that about a certain type of people, I was showing myself to be prejudiced. So although I may dislike prejudice, saying that I do not like prejudiced people made me a prejudiced person.
Others say that apologetics is not adequate, because it uses reason to discover truth. "In fact, I will give you three good reasons why you can't use logic to find truth." Another view that commits practical suicide is "condemning condemnation." This is where you state your belief that someone is wrong for doing something. In turn, someone tells you that you are wrong for condemning people like you just did. All you have to do now is ask them why they are condemning you.
When you share with others about Christ, you are following the command that Christ gave us with the Great Commission. You may have others of a different faith tell you that it is wrong to try and change their religious views. In saying this, they are telling you to change your religious views. They want you to abandon your views of evangelism and instead adopt their views.
A moral relativist will push their morals on you, whilst telling you that it is wrong to push your morality on them. Greg Koukl says: The only consistent response for a relativist is, "Pushing morality is wrong for me, but that's just my personal opinion and has nothing to do with you. Please ignore me."
Hopefully through these examples you can see exactly what a practical suicide view is. It is another view point that will self-destruct. It will not self-destruct due to internal contradiction. Instead, it is a view that one can believe, but they cannot promote it or act on it because they will violate their own convictions, for example, "It is wrong to say people are wrong."
See you next time when we introduce a couple more self-destructing points of view.
In this type of suicidal view, "you can hold the view, but you can't promote it." I used to say that I could not stand prejudiced people. In saying that about a certain type of people, I was showing myself to be prejudiced. So although I may dislike prejudice, saying that I do not like prejudiced people made me a prejudiced person.
Others say that apologetics is not adequate, because it uses reason to discover truth. "In fact, I will give you three good reasons why you can't use logic to find truth." Another view that commits practical suicide is "condemning condemnation." This is where you state your belief that someone is wrong for doing something. In turn, someone tells you that you are wrong for condemning people like you just did. All you have to do now is ask them why they are condemning you.
When you share with others about Christ, you are following the command that Christ gave us with the Great Commission. You may have others of a different faith tell you that it is wrong to try and change their religious views. In saying this, they are telling you to change your religious views. They want you to abandon your views of evangelism and instead adopt their views.
A moral relativist will push their morals on you, whilst telling you that it is wrong to push your morality on them. Greg Koukl says: The only consistent response for a relativist is, "Pushing morality is wrong for me, but that's just my personal opinion and has nothing to do with you. Please ignore me."
Hopefully through these examples you can see exactly what a practical suicide view is. It is another view point that will self-destruct. It will not self-destruct due to internal contradiction. Instead, it is a view that one can believe, but they cannot promote it or act on it because they will violate their own convictions, for example, "It is wrong to say people are wrong."
See you next time when we introduce a couple more self-destructing points of view.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
The Joplin Tornado: One Year Later
So over the weekend I went to Joplin for Restore Fest. It was a year after the EF 5 tornado ripped through Joplin. It had winds that were estimated to reach 250 miles per hour and was on the ground for 22 miles while reaching a width of almost a mile. It leveled houses, businesses, schools, the hospital and churches. It left 161 dead in its wake. To say the least, it was a traumatic experience for many and left most of the residents of Joplin in shock.
I was in Joplin soon after the tornado hit to do psychological first aid to those who had survived the tornado as well as those who were there volunteering. The pictures and video that I had seen on television as well as the prep that we got on the way to Joplin from someone who had already been there left me ill prepared for the devastation that I was to see. Almost every vehicle that I saw people driving was without windows. The tornado had blown them out.
I met many people who were demoralized and down, and it looked like nothing I had ever seen. Every where you saw destruction. Joplinites had lost their jobs, homes, vehicles, pets and families. It may have left over 160 dead, but from looking at Joplin I would have thought that thousands had perished. They did not feel lucky, but they were. I was actually shocked that so few people were dead, based on the carnage that I saw.
This past weekend I came back a year later, for the first time since I had volunteered to counsel those who were left confused, scared, angry, depressed, desperate, etc. Most were experiencing a wide range of emotions a year ago, and a lot of those emotions they were feeling all at once. But you could sense their will and strength.
When I came back for Restore Fest, the survivors had regained their hope and pride because of their will and strength. It was amazing to see all of the construction that was occurring and the places that were in shambles just a year ago, now rebuilt and doing business. Joplin was back, slowly but surely.
I ate at the Chik-fil-A that a year ago had everything sucked out of the window and was completely bare inside. The Burger King that had only the play equipment intact with the building demolished was again in business. The houses may not have been rebuilt, but the carnage was cleaned up. New construction was going on every where you looked. I saw people driving cars that had windows in them. I saw people smiling, laughing and holding their heads high. They had overcame, and over 7,000 people showed up for Restore Fest.
Convoy of Hope was there and they partnered with many other agencies and organizations to do what Convoy does best. Give aid and hope to those who are struggling from disasters and poverty. There was a free event that provided groceries, a health fair, hair cuts, family portraits, lunch and a kid zone with rides and inflatables.
Then Restore Fest kicked off, with amazing worship by some amazing groups. There was Jeremy Camp, Mandisa, Sanctus Real, Andy Cherry (who is a great guy and has a heart for Christ), KJ-52, Rema Soul, Stars Go Dim and many others. It was amazingly fun and inspirational. I saw and heard some people's stories that had felt defeated just a year ago and now had hope.
My last stop on the way out of town was the Spirit Tree. It was strong, beautiful and stood strong when everything around it was blown away. It may have lost all that surrounded it and all it once knew, but it was still there inspiring hope in others.........just like the people of Joplin.
I was in Joplin soon after the tornado hit to do psychological first aid to those who had survived the tornado as well as those who were there volunteering. The pictures and video that I had seen on television as well as the prep that we got on the way to Joplin from someone who had already been there left me ill prepared for the devastation that I was to see. Almost every vehicle that I saw people driving was without windows. The tornado had blown them out.
I met many people who were demoralized and down, and it looked like nothing I had ever seen. Every where you saw destruction. Joplinites had lost their jobs, homes, vehicles, pets and families. It may have left over 160 dead, but from looking at Joplin I would have thought that thousands had perished. They did not feel lucky, but they were. I was actually shocked that so few people were dead, based on the carnage that I saw.
This past weekend I came back a year later, for the first time since I had volunteered to counsel those who were left confused, scared, angry, depressed, desperate, etc. Most were experiencing a wide range of emotions a year ago, and a lot of those emotions they were feeling all at once. But you could sense their will and strength.
When I came back for Restore Fest, the survivors had regained their hope and pride because of their will and strength. It was amazing to see all of the construction that was occurring and the places that were in shambles just a year ago, now rebuilt and doing business. Joplin was back, slowly but surely.
I ate at the Chik-fil-A that a year ago had everything sucked out of the window and was completely bare inside. The Burger King that had only the play equipment intact with the building demolished was again in business. The houses may not have been rebuilt, but the carnage was cleaned up. New construction was going on every where you looked. I saw people driving cars that had windows in them. I saw people smiling, laughing and holding their heads high. They had overcame, and over 7,000 people showed up for Restore Fest.
Convoy of Hope was there and they partnered with many other agencies and organizations to do what Convoy does best. Give aid and hope to those who are struggling from disasters and poverty. There was a free event that provided groceries, a health fair, hair cuts, family portraits, lunch and a kid zone with rides and inflatables.
Then Restore Fest kicked off, with amazing worship by some amazing groups. There was Jeremy Camp, Mandisa, Sanctus Real, Andy Cherry (who is a great guy and has a heart for Christ), KJ-52, Rema Soul, Stars Go Dim and many others. It was amazingly fun and inspirational. I saw and heard some people's stories that had felt defeated just a year ago and now had hope.
My last stop on the way out of town was the Spirit Tree. It was strong, beautiful and stood strong when everything around it was blown away. It may have lost all that surrounded it and all it once knew, but it was still there inspiring hope in others.........just like the people of Joplin.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tactics by Gregory Koukl Chapter 7: Suicide: Views that Self-Destruct
The first 6 chapters of Tactics looked at the game plan. This week begins part 2, Finding the Flaws. You will begin to identify different flaws in the arguments that people use against you. The first flaw Greg discusses in his book is the suicidal view. These views are self-refuting and will defeat themselves. You don't need to waste much time on these. They will literally destroy themselves. My personal favorite is, "My brother is an only child."That statement is easily proven wrong by itself. If he is my brother, than he cannot be an only child. The problem with these views is simple. They fail to meet their own criteria of validity. Here are some examples that he lists:
- There is no truth. (Is this statement true?)
- There are no absolutes. (Is this an absolute?)
- No one can know any truth about religion. (How precisely, did you come to know this truth about religion?)
- You can't know anything for sure. (Are you sure about that?)
Imagine someone tells you, "You should never impose you values on other people." Has he not just imposed his values on you? That is why your very next question should be, "Are those your values." When he says yes then ask, "Why are you imposing your values on other people?"
Another example is the following conversation Greg gives in Tactics:
"You think that God is on your side but you are wrong. God doesn't take sides."
"Let me ask you a question. In this disagreement that we are having on whether or not God takes sides, what do you think God's opinion is?"
"I just told you. God is against taking sides."
"Right. So in our dispute God would agree with you, not me."
"That is right."
"He would side with you in this issue, then. I guess God takes sides after all."
Simply by stating that God does not take sides implies that he has taken sides. The same is true when someone says that the Bible is flawed because people make mistakes. Could they not be mistaken themselves, about the Bible being flawed? If people don't always make mistakes, then the Bible can not be ruled out just because people wrote it.
Another common argument is that religion cannot be true as follows:
"I don't believe in religion."
"Why not?"
"There is no scientific evidence for it."
"Then you should not believe in science either."
"Why not?"
"Because there is no scientific evidence for it."
In this instance, people feel that only science can give reliable truth. If that were to be true, then were is the scientific evidence that proves only science can prove the truth? This is not a testable scientific claim. Instead, it is a philosophical statement about science that is unreliable because it cannot be proven by the scientific method.
Anyone that states all religions are true can be no more right than someone who states all religion is false. When someone dies they may go to Hell, they may go to Heaven, they may go to Valhalla, they might go back in the ground simply turning to dust, they might even be reincarnated but the last thing that they can do is all of these choices at once.
Next you have the pseudo-questions. It would be a question such as "Can God's power defeat His power?" I have heard this asked before as, "Can God make a rock so big He can't pick it up?" Of course that is a nonsensical question. How can omnipotence defeat omnipotence. Can you ever win a fight against yourself? Logic would tell us no. W can only use the phrase "stronger than" when there are two subjects, not one. Asking if God is stronger than himself is at best an incoherent question.
In closing, Suidical Views are awesome. We have to do very little work to refute them, we need only do several things. First, listen to the claim or premise. Then ask if the claim applies to itself. If it does, does it meet it's own criteria or is there a conflict. IF there is a conflict, rather than pointing that out in a statement use a question to point it out (The Columbo Approach).
Thanks for reading, see you next time when we delve into Practical Suicide!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
2 Years Ago I Married My Queen
This is just a little blog that I had to write today. Two years ago today I married my best friend. We had met a year previous, so we have actually known each other for 3 years. If not for eHarmony, we never would have met. I can guarantee you that the service works. We have been nearly inseparable since our second date. In fact, I knew after our second date that she was the girl I was to marry.
A lot has happened in the two years we have been married. For starters, she has been an amazing step-mom to my 4 year old son DJ. She has even gone out for dinner on several occasions with his mother. That's right, they get along. How awesome is that!! We have built our relationship with Christ first, which has impacted every other part of our life positively. That is the best thing I have found to keep a marriage healthy and strong!
The three (Me, Julie and DJ) of us have taken several family vacations to Disney and to St Louis. We have also taken two cruises, just her and I. You can do that when you have joint custody of a child. Those romantic vacations are soon to stop, as we will be adding to our family on August 7th. That is when our daughter, Addison Grace is due!
We have so much excitement going on. My wife is doing more freelance work as a videographer, from weddings to commercials to book trailers to church videos. If you have a need, contact her and she will do amazing work. We are also working on a documentary and a non-profit both entitled Better Life in Recovery. I am writing a book, sharing my testimony where ever they will hear me and writing this blog. We stay very busy.
Most exciting of all, though, is two years ago I got to marry my best friend. That friendship has just grown stronger, from the first date at Bambino's almost 3 years ago to the anniversary lunch at Bambino's that we had today. I love her, and when I think of her the song that she picked out, Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath and Waltz for Jennifer by FFH play over and over in my mind. If you have never heard them, give them a listen and tell me what you think.
A lot has happened in the two years we have been married. For starters, she has been an amazing step-mom to my 4 year old son DJ. She has even gone out for dinner on several occasions with his mother. That's right, they get along. How awesome is that!! We have built our relationship with Christ first, which has impacted every other part of our life positively. That is the best thing I have found to keep a marriage healthy and strong!
The three (Me, Julie and DJ) of us have taken several family vacations to Disney and to St Louis. We have also taken two cruises, just her and I. You can do that when you have joint custody of a child. Those romantic vacations are soon to stop, as we will be adding to our family on August 7th. That is when our daughter, Addison Grace is due!
We have so much excitement going on. My wife is doing more freelance work as a videographer, from weddings to commercials to book trailers to church videos. If you have a need, contact her and she will do amazing work. We are also working on a documentary and a non-profit both entitled Better Life in Recovery. I am writing a book, sharing my testimony where ever they will hear me and writing this blog. We stay very busy.
Most exciting of all, though, is two years ago I got to marry my best friend. That friendship has just grown stronger, from the first date at Bambino's almost 3 years ago to the anniversary lunch at Bambino's that we had today. I love her, and when I think of her the song that she picked out, Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath and Waltz for Jennifer by FFH play over and over in my mind. If you have never heard them, give them a listen and tell me what you think.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
From Shack to Temple - Week 2 (Down 13.3 Pounds)
For starters, I had a cheat day that lasted several hours longer than it should have. On my cheat day I am supposed to stop eating at 7. All started off well, waffles and turkey sausage with my first cup of coffee in a week. Then lunch after T-Ball practice of a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. Then we went to Silver Dollar City, and it was Bluegrass and BBQ. I had a rack of ribs, baked beans, apple pie ala mode and a large frozen coke! Yum!!! That was great day! It should have been over, but it was not.
Then I got to Springfield and it was almost 10. I did a Frisco Thick Burger with Bacon Cheese Fries from Hardees and several scoops of neapolitan ice cream with Reese's Shell on it. It actually started off as a double scoop, but then I had to finish off my son's for him. Next day should have been back to my diet, but I came in from mowing the lawn to my wife, sister, son and niece eating meatloaf and home made mashed potatoes. I did not pass it up, which I should have.
I am feeling very fortunate to have lost 3.3 pounds this week. I have continued the exercise, which is making me feel amazing. I am doing compound exercises that combine several muscles in each set, other than chest and back day. I am also doing cardio. I had someone talk to me about joining a running club, and I need to talk to him at church on Sunday and see what that entails. To be honest, it scares the living day lights out of me.
I continued to be impressed with the customer service at Supplement Superstore. I got a handwritten, page long card from the guy who has helped me, Jake, asking to be kept informed of my progress. I also have a friend, Michael, that is doing the Visalus 90 day challenge. I am keeping an eye on him and the program. I may have to try their products if I hit a sticking point in my routine. If you have never heard of the program, check his website out at http://teamdake.myvi.net/
I am still looking for a work out partner for several mornings a week. If you are at the Meyer Center and don't mind early morning workouts shoot me a message, email or text. I would benefit from somebody to push me at the gym. Next week I will put up the actual workouts that I am engaging in. Thanks for reading the update. Talk to you next Tuesday, when my goal is to lose another 3 pounds!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Tactics by Gregory Koukl Chapter 6: Perfecting Columbo
So you are wanting to be able to defend your faith rationally and well, right? When you have tried that in the past you have probably noticed that it is hard to be successful in discussions that you have had. You tend to be unable to do anything that you are unprepared for. If you are faced with new problems you generally have trouble coming up with well thought out solutions on the fly. The reason for that is simple. It takes time and practice to develop any new skill, let alone perfect it.
At first, you will not be able to come up with responses rapidly. Due to that there are 3 specific things that you can do to better prepare yourself:
- Anticipate in advance what could come up in conversations
- Reflect after the discussion on what took place
- Practice the different responses that you are able to think of when you reflect to better prepare you for the next time
Reflect on each conversation after it happens. Make sure to ask yourself several questions each time. Could I have asked better questions? Could I have steered the conversation in a more beneficial direction? Did I plant a decent sized rock in their shoe? Where did I make mistakes? What could I have done differently? Did I represent myself as a good ambassador for Christ? Do I need to learn more about the topic we discussed? Did I act with enough kindness and grace?
Practice the new information that you find and ideas that you come up with out loud. If you can think of things that someone might possibly use to combat what you say, practice what you will say back. And do it out loud. Work on repeating comebacks, and if you have a friend to help you can even role play the conversations. Remember, do it out loud and often. If you want to get better at anything, the only way is to rehearse it and practice, practice, practice.
There are two things that must happen in order to meet a challenge. You must be prepared and then take action. Preparation gives you the confidence you need, but only through interaction with others will you truly be able to improve your abilities to the level they should be for you to truly be an ambassador for Christ.
Occasionally you may run into someone who tries to use the Columbo on you. Always remember that you control your side of the discussion. If they are asking leading questions, don't answer them. Ask them why they are using questions to explain their points. Let them know that you want to know their views.
Sometimes you may also be asked a question that is not a question and you must always be prepared for it. It will sound like, "What gives you the right to .....?" or "Who are you to say?" If this happens, let them know that you are confused by the questions. "I get the impression that you think that I've made a mistake. Where did I go wrong?" That, or you can ask them to clarify their question so that you can understand it.
Today we took a look at what we have discussed in the earlier blogs as well as how we can begin to get better and prepare ourselves to be not only ambassadors for Christ, but apologists. This is done by remembering 3 words: anticipate, reflect and practice. Join me next week when we begin the second section of the Tactics and start learning how to find the flaws in others arguments.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Today Spiritual Spackle is 1 Year Old!!
As of today, Spiritual Spackle has existed for one year. What that means is that one year ago today I began a blog that bears the same name of the book that I am currently writing. Spiritual Spackle the book and the blog are both dedicated to 2 things: Christ and Recovery. There are other things that I do talk about, but in reality all that I write about boils down to being in recovery and being Christ-like. Everything else is truly secondary. Do I write about being a husband, father and counselor. Yes I do, but without recovery and Christ I would suck at them, so the theme permeates all that I do!
When I first started the blog, I had hopes that it would be read at least 100 times a week. That would be 5,200 hits over the last year. You broke that, and it has been viewed 11,512 times. That is 221 times a week. I find it awesome that so many people care about reading what I have to say about Christ and Recovery. I just hope that what I write can help teach some, lead others and give hope to all who spare me several minutes of their time to stop by and read something I have written.
I did not even really think about the other countries that would visit this site. I would have thought maybe 10 or 20 if I would have been asked. Instead, there have been 84 countries that have stopped by Spiritual Spackle. You can see all of them at http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/06/countries.html The top 10 are:
When I first started the blog, I had hopes that it would be read at least 100 times a week. That would be 5,200 hits over the last year. You broke that, and it has been viewed 11,512 times. That is 221 times a week. I find it awesome that so many people care about reading what I have to say about Christ and Recovery. I just hope that what I write can help teach some, lead others and give hope to all who spare me several minutes of their time to stop by and read something I have written.
I did not even really think about the other countries that would visit this site. I would have thought maybe 10 or 20 if I would have been asked. Instead, there have been 84 countries that have stopped by Spiritual Spackle. You can see all of them at http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/06/countries.html The top 10 are:
- United States
- Russia
- United Kingdom
- Germany
- France
- Brazil
- Canada
- Slovenia
- Australia
- Philippines
I have had some blogs that have had more hits than others. The top one that I have ever posted had over 650 hits and it was not written by me. The top blog that I posted was viewed by over 200 people, and it is one of my testimonies. I am grateful that my finding recovery through Christ was interesting and hopefully inspirational enough that over 200 people have watched it. The rest of the top 10 are written by me or about the non-profit that I am forming. Here are the links to the top 10 blogs in my first year:
- http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/45-seconds-memoirs-of-er-doctor-from.html
- http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/01/celebrate-recovery-testimony-01192012.html
- http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/joplin-tornado-and-psychological-first.html
- http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/10/documentary-update-please-like-and.html
- http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/08/call-to-christians.html
- http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/03/reason-rally-atheists-agnostics-and.html
- http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/12/thank-youthe-journey-has-only-just.html
- http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/05/better-life-in-recovery-documentary.html
- http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/09/chris-rene-young-homie.html
- http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/12/i-have-enquiring-mind-i-want-to-know.html
What has disappointed me is the number of likes that I have gotten on Facebook. I have only had 142 like the site so far. It is found here http://www.facebook.com/pages/Spiritual-Spackle/208425445856402 and I would have figured that I would have at least 250 likes by now. Truth be told, if you want to like the site than like it. If not, at least continue reading. In the end, reading what is on this blog is much more important than clicking like. That said, feel free to share this blog with all that you know and I look forward to sharing more about Christ and Recovery with you in the years to come! Here is to Finding A Better Life Exists.........in Recovery!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
From Shack to Temple - Week 1
Can you lose 10 pounds in one week like they do on The Biggest Loser? I don't know if you can, but I found out that I could. I seriously doubt that the double digit loss will continue into the second week, but in the first 7 days I lost exactly 10 pounds!
I am pretty excited about the results so far. In my opinion, they have been nothing short of amazing. I know that the first week tends to be a big week for loss, so judge what I am doing not by this first week but by the end results. That said, the first week was an awesome start. Here is how I have gotten off to such a great start:
- I drink at least 120 ounces of water daily, although it has been more like 160-200 ounces
- I exercise every morning for an hour. Next week I will talk more about the exercise that I am doing!
- I eat a healthy breakfast (2 eggs, 98% fat free ham or turkey, two pieces of toast and a banana)
- I eat a healthy lunch (can of tuna, mustard, two pieces of bread, immense salad with a lot of different colors and balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing)
- I do not eat solid food after lunch. Once I get to where I want to be weight wise I will add a healthy dinner.
- I have 2 or 3 protein shakes daily (1 after workout in the morning the others in the evening)
- I have a 1st Phorm Level-1 shake before bed. I have a sweet tooth that strikes late. Level-1 has chocolate chip cookie dough and ice cream sandwich flavors. They take care of my sweet tooth with only 2 grams of sugar.
- I stack 1st Phorm's 1-Db Overdrive with Thyro-Drive on a 5 day on, 2 day off cycle. They are a combination thermogenic that so far have not made me jittery like the products I have used in the past.
- I eat and drink anything and everything that I want one day a week from the time I wake up until 7 PM
That is how I have made the changes I have made so far. I have had to use several methods to work around some of the problems I have with eating. I use the late night shake to curb my sweet tooth, and the promise of eating what ever I want one day a week to help me avoid temptation like you see on the right (this was actually in the break room at work yesterday and I ate none of it).
In order for me to get to where I need to be, I have to watch what I take into my body. If I can say no to cigarettes, drugs and alcohol I should have no problem with food. But I did. I had let food become my new addiction and it was killing me just like my old vices had been. Now, I am not having those same problems because of the changes I am making.
I also have to be fit and active every day. My sedentary life style was killing me. I am doing everything: cardio machines, weight lifting, racquetball and bicycle riding. One night I went to the park and took a walk. It is about being active every day. In my last job I waited tables, and walked probably 5 miles plus every day. Now I sit behind a desk and it has been showing. Between being more sedentary and eating comfort food my waist has been increasing. No longer, will that happen. Thanks for following along with me as I turn my shack back into a temple!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Better Life in Recovery - Documentary Trailer and Non-Profit Update
This is the trailer for the upcoming documentary Better Life in Recovery. We are letting people tell their stories who have struggled with alcohol, substance abuse, cutting and eating disorders. That is an incomplete list, for in the stories of all of these people you find out that there were struggles with depression, anxiety, Bi-Polar, isolation, peer pressure, childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, rape, parents/siblings who abused drugs, legal issues, not fitting in, suicide attempts, hopelessness, etc.
All of these stories have many things that are peculiar to each person, but there are also commonalities. The one common theme that we are wanting to get as many people to hear as we possibly can is that there is a Better Life in Recovery. All of the people in the documentary are Finding A Better Life Exists. They all have found hope that they want to share with others, and that hope was found after they struggled with life controlling issues and overcame them.
This is only the trailer after our first round of filming. We have filmed another round since then, and they too were very powerful stories. From dealing dope to dealing hope, people are discovering that they can gain control of their lives after thinking that they were beyond help. By sharing these stories of Real People with Real Problems we are going to make an impact. We have several more rounds of filming that will be done before editing begins.
After this documentary we will be filing another one of parents who have lost children to addiction. It will share their stories, what they have learned and statistics on youth. We are not only trying to reach our youth, but their parents and the people who interact with them as well. I am tired of seeing people die due to the consequences of their addictions and mental health, and we are going to help put an end to this with your help.
We are going to take these documentaries as well as mentor training and teaching people how to spot addiction and mental health issues before it is too late into communities. We want to reach as many people as possible, but we are going to need your help to do this!
In order for us to make an impact on as many people as possible, we have needs. So far my wife and I have fully funded this, and that has gotten a little expensive. If you can help in any way, please let me know. Here are the areas where we really need some help:
- We need $1,000 to file for non-profit status so that we can begin fund raising to take this into communities: schools, colleges, churches, seminars, conferences, rehabilitation centers, juvenile centers, youth groups, etc
- We need a web site designer to help us with the web design. We know what we want it to look like but do not have the expertise to create it.
- Volunteers aged 18-25 who have struggled with alcohol, substance abuse, cutting and eating disorders and overcame them that would be willing to share their story. We are in dire need of ethnicities.
- Parents who have had children who have struggled with addictions and either overcame them or have passed away to share your knowledge with other parents and community members who want to make a difference so that they know what to look for and better ways to deal with struggles when they see them occurring.
- Board Members - Must be passionate about what we are doing and willing to introduce us to those you know who can help. If interested contact us for a board member packet so you can fill it out and get it back to us.
- An attorney to help us file for the non-profit and look paperwork over for us when needed.
- An accountant to help us keep track of everything financially
- Grant writers
- Community leaders, politicians, administrators, parents, teachers, professors, principals, pastors and youth leaders to help get us in to begin showing the documentary presentation when completed. We are hoping to be ready by Spring or Fall of 2013. We will have questionnaires that will be filled out, pre and post, that will allow us to see if there are changes in the attitudes of those we show it to. This will help us validate why we should receive federal and foundation grants.
- Graphic Designers for logos, posters, pamphlets, DVD covers, etc.
- Internet technology to design stunning Facebook page and other social media to attract attention to the program.
- If you would like to donate anything: works of art, restaurant and other business gift certificates, hotel/resort rooms and gift certificates, season and one day passes to shows/museums/plays/amusement parks, tickets and season passes to games, movie tickets, dance lessons, free tans, autographed books/cds/posters/dvds/musical instruments/sports memorabilia, gift baskets, massages, hair cuts, martial arts lessons, you having dinner with the highest bidder, etc for door prizes and silent auctions contact us.
- Original music or music that you give us permission to use for the documentaries as well as a possible fund raiser CD.
- We need bands to donate a set or two for fundraisers.
- We need sites donated for a concert and silent auction.
- Politicians, radio media, television media, pastors, youth ministers, teachers, principals, school counselors, substance abuse counselors, administrators, bloggers, authors, actors, musicians, parents and professors: WE NEED YOU!! We are here to help you and you can help us by fundraising to bring us to your community and by word of mouth. We need you to speak up to your congregations, student bodies, viewers, reasders parents and constituents. Contact us and we will gladly do interviews or talk at community events, seminars, colleges, businesses, clubs, small groups, schools and churches. Let them know what we are doing and get them our information so that they can help. My goal is for this to be the most viewed blog that I have ever written so that thousands of people hear about what we are doing. PLEASE SHARE THIS ON FACEBOOK, TWITTER, IN BLOGS, ETC.!!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
From Shack to Temple - The Journey Has Just Begun
Today was my first day in some time that I went to the gym after hurting my back months ago. I was just starting to get into a regular pattern of exercise when the injury occurred. That said, the exercise I was doing was just enough to keep my weight stable, which was still very over weight. I was holding at around 230 when I got hurt. Now I am up to around 250 pounds. Not a bad weight if you are 6 foot 5. Unfortunately, I am 5 foot 6. It is a very unhealthy weight for me.
At one time I weighed 160 pounds and wore 27 inch jeans. That was in my addiction to methamphetamine. I have gained 90 pounds since I got off meth and my jean size is now up to 40 and 42. A large part of my initial weight gain was that I was skinny to an unhealthy level when I was using meth. The first 20-30 pounds that I gained was healthy weight. Then I started working out and gained more. Then more and more and more. Eventually I realized that there was a problem and through becoming an alcoholic and not eating I began to lose weight. I got down to around 205 from 220. Then I stopped drinking and the weight came back to me.
Initially I put down the drugs and started eating. Then I put down the food when I found alcohol. When I stopped drinking and smoking at the same time I put down the alcohol and nicotine and found food. I swapped addictions. I am an addict to escape problems. When I have a stressful day, (which is pretty often because I have a stressful job and I am starting a non-profit while writing a book, blogging and speaking) I eat. I crave meat and sweets. Not lean meat, either! I mean half pound burgers, 24 ounce steaks and full racks of ribs with all of the starchy trimmings. Due to that, I have found myself at 250 pounds.
Over the weekend while I was attempting to keep up with my 4 year old, God started talking to me. He told me that it was time to get serious and lose weight. The reasons are pretty apparent from a health standpoint. My uncle died from a heart attack at 58 last month due to his weight being more than his heart could take. That alone should be enough, but I already knew how unhealthy my weight is and that has not stopped me yet. Not to worry, God was not done convicting me yet. There was a lot more!
"It is time to lose the 50 pounds of fat," I heard a voice saying over and over again to me during the weekend. It isn't just your health. "You can't even keep up with your son any more," that voice shouted. It was true, I get tired and worn out just from playing with my son. I have another baby on the way. It is getting ready to be twice as active for me. If I have trouble keeping up with him, what will it be like when there are two of them? God was not done with me yet. He reminded me Sunday during service at church of something else.
I am beginning to get out and speak more. I am talking to people who struggle with life controlling issues. I am wanting to give them hope that they can overcome their struggles. A voice told me Sunday that no one wants to hear someone who is fat telling them how to deal with their struggles and overcome them. A lot of people that I will talk to struggle with weight issues and self image problems. They use meth to lose weight, force themselves to throw up after eating or simply don't eat at all. If they are in the audience that I speak to, my message will fall on deaf ears if I am not in better shape. I need to reach those people and the voice in my ear screamed that I can't do it looking like I do now! I have to take control of my eating problem and no longer let it rule my life. "The time is now," the voice told me.
God spoke, I listened! I need to hear God's whisper in my ear and feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit. I may not want to hear what it has to say, but I love it when I hear God's voice so clearly! Immediately after church I sat down and made a list of what I was going to eat and the changes in exercise that were going to occur. Monday I went shopping for what I needed and this morning (Tuesday) I started back at the gym and the eating habit changes have began.
I am going to share a few things with everyone. I am now working out multiple mornings a week as well as the occasional cardio/exercise in the evening. I am eating a full breakfast and a full lunch; full but extremely healthy. I am then having three protein shakes daily and a minimum of 100 ounces of water. The water may increase, but it will not decrease. I am doing this 6 days a week and one day a week will be my junk food day. I can eat what I want from the time I wake up until 7 that evening. Once 7 P.M. comes, the fun stops.
I will follow this and tweak it as the time progresses and I see what needs to be added. I am excited. My goal is to drop from the 247.6 pounds that I weighed today (see picture above) down to no more than 190. If that is still unhealthy, I will drop more weight. I will not know until I get there. I will be back down to no more than 34 inch jeans from the 42 inch jeans I find myself wearing now. I have taken a couple of before pictures of myself, but they will not be shared until I have a decent after picture to show.
I tell you this for the accountability piece I need. I will write a weekly series that will bear the title "From Shack to Temple." Each week I will have a picture of the scale after weighing on Tuesday morning. I will also outline the diet that I followed that week as well as the exercise regimen that I followed. I do all of this for a reason. We are told that our bodies are the temple of God, and lately mine has been an amusement park. That will happen no longer. God spoke, I listened and now I comply! Please follow this journey with me and feel free to ask me how it is going when you see me in person. If you do not see me in person, leave comments on my blogs, call me, e-mail me and/or talk to me on Facebook/Twitter. I would ask that everyone of you become an accountability partner for me.
The journey has just begun, hope you enjoy reading about the ride!
P.S. If you happen to be a member at the Meyer Center and are looking for a work out partner and don't mind early morning workouts, get a hold of me. If you are a bicycle rider or a racquetball/handball player get a hold of me also. Thanks in advance!
Initially I put down the drugs and started eating. Then I put down the food when I found alcohol. When I stopped drinking and smoking at the same time I put down the alcohol and nicotine and found food. I swapped addictions. I am an addict to escape problems. When I have a stressful day, (which is pretty often because I have a stressful job and I am starting a non-profit while writing a book, blogging and speaking) I eat. I crave meat and sweets. Not lean meat, either! I mean half pound burgers, 24 ounce steaks and full racks of ribs with all of the starchy trimmings. Due to that, I have found myself at 250 pounds.
Over the weekend while I was attempting to keep up with my 4 year old, God started talking to me. He told me that it was time to get serious and lose weight. The reasons are pretty apparent from a health standpoint. My uncle died from a heart attack at 58 last month due to his weight being more than his heart could take. That alone should be enough, but I already knew how unhealthy my weight is and that has not stopped me yet. Not to worry, God was not done convicting me yet. There was a lot more!
"It is time to lose the 50 pounds of fat," I heard a voice saying over and over again to me during the weekend. It isn't just your health. "You can't even keep up with your son any more," that voice shouted. It was true, I get tired and worn out just from playing with my son. I have another baby on the way. It is getting ready to be twice as active for me. If I have trouble keeping up with him, what will it be like when there are two of them? God was not done with me yet. He reminded me Sunday during service at church of something else.
I am beginning to get out and speak more. I am talking to people who struggle with life controlling issues. I am wanting to give them hope that they can overcome their struggles. A voice told me Sunday that no one wants to hear someone who is fat telling them how to deal with their struggles and overcome them. A lot of people that I will talk to struggle with weight issues and self image problems. They use meth to lose weight, force themselves to throw up after eating or simply don't eat at all. If they are in the audience that I speak to, my message will fall on deaf ears if I am not in better shape. I need to reach those people and the voice in my ear screamed that I can't do it looking like I do now! I have to take control of my eating problem and no longer let it rule my life. "The time is now," the voice told me.
God spoke, I listened! I need to hear God's whisper in my ear and feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit. I may not want to hear what it has to say, but I love it when I hear God's voice so clearly! Immediately after church I sat down and made a list of what I was going to eat and the changes in exercise that were going to occur. Monday I went shopping for what I needed and this morning (Tuesday) I started back at the gym and the eating habit changes have began.
I am going to share a few things with everyone. I am now working out multiple mornings a week as well as the occasional cardio/exercise in the evening. I am eating a full breakfast and a full lunch; full but extremely healthy. I am then having three protein shakes daily and a minimum of 100 ounces of water. The water may increase, but it will not decrease. I am doing this 6 days a week and one day a week will be my junk food day. I can eat what I want from the time I wake up until 7 that evening. Once 7 P.M. comes, the fun stops.
I will follow this and tweak it as the time progresses and I see what needs to be added. I am excited. My goal is to drop from the 247.6 pounds that I weighed today (see picture above) down to no more than 190. If that is still unhealthy, I will drop more weight. I will not know until I get there. I will be back down to no more than 34 inch jeans from the 42 inch jeans I find myself wearing now. I have taken a couple of before pictures of myself, but they will not be shared until I have a decent after picture to show.
I tell you this for the accountability piece I need. I will write a weekly series that will bear the title "From Shack to Temple." Each week I will have a picture of the scale after weighing on Tuesday morning. I will also outline the diet that I followed that week as well as the exercise regimen that I followed. I do all of this for a reason. We are told that our bodies are the temple of God, and lately mine has been an amusement park. That will happen no longer. God spoke, I listened and now I comply! Please follow this journey with me and feel free to ask me how it is going when you see me in person. If you do not see me in person, leave comments on my blogs, call me, e-mail me and/or talk to me on Facebook/Twitter. I would ask that everyone of you become an accountability partner for me.
The journey has just begun, hope you enjoy reading about the ride!
P.S. If you happen to be a member at the Meyer Center and are looking for a work out partner and don't mind early morning workouts, get a hold of me. If you are a bicycle rider or a racquetball/handball player get a hold of me also. Thanks in advance!
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