Are You Grateful for Your Addiction? or Why I'm Glad To Be A Pickle

Have you ever wondered, "When will I feel or be the person that I used to be?" It could be because you struggle with addiction, you lived through a natural disaster, you were abused as a child or you lost a child. You want to get over it, to forget it and to move on. You want to forget that it happened so that your life can return to normal. I often have clients that I work with ask me the same question, "When do I get to be the person that I was before this happened?"

The short answer is, NEVER! Before you shut me out, hear me out. I was abused as a child, my parents separated and I blamed myself, other family members were abused and I blamed myself, I went to prison, I dealt drugs, I attempted suicide, I was involved in manufacturing methamphetamine and I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. There is nothing that I can ever do to change what I did in the past. No time machine to hop in and undo what I had already done.

Along the way I found that no amount of anger, anxiety, self-loathing, denial, depression, bargaining or escape will change my past. I wasted a lot of energy on that in my past, and yet everything that I had done remained done. I never was able to change the choices I made in my past. I beat myself up for years about it. I hated myself! Every time that I looked into a mirror I saw a convict, a junkie, and a dope cook. I was miserable, and I saw no way of ever escaping my past. I had not shot up in a decade and I still thought about it sometimes, and I still judged myself for doing it.

Then I heard an example that changed my life. I will share it with you know, and in the way that I now share it with others. We are all born cucumbers. That is not a bad thing, there is nothing wrong with a cucumber. It may be a little bland and tasteless. I cannot eat a cucumber all by itself. I generally need to dip it in ranch, or eat it with other things in a salad. As a cucumber, it is okay.

Know, take that cucumber and add some spices and vinegar and let it soak all that up and simmer in it. You know have a delicious pickle. That bland, ordinary cucumber has been transformed into something awesome! Just as we as humans are transformed by the things we experience and overcome in our lives. We have to soak in all of the negative things that happen to us, whether they are done by others or by our choice, and then use those to change us.

Before my addiction I was a cucumber, now I am a pickle. I have more flavor, so to speak. Thanks to my addictions, mental illnesses and abuse I have gained strength and wisdom that can only be gained through overcoming! Without my past, I am just like everybody else. I am normal. That is not a bad thing, the world needs normal people. That said, the world also needs pickles. Who better to help someone overcome an addiction than a former addict?

I do my job as well as I do for two reasons. One reason is that I have gone through extensive training in college and continuing education training. I have read countless books and listened to multiple experts in the field talk. The second reason is that I also have lived as an addict and by the Grace of God overcame my addictions. That gives me empathy that many do not have. It has allowed me to stay positive and hopeful when working with clients and friends who are struggling with life controlling issues.

In Celebrate Recovery we call them hurts, habits and hang-ups. We do that because it does not just have to be addiction. In fact, it seldom is only addiction! I was abused as a child, grew up in a split home, my father was an alcoholic, I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder as well as many other mental health diagnosis, I felt like I never fit in as a kid, attempted suicide, my father committed suicide, I have seen multiple people die, etc. Recovery is working through all of those issues and finding that a better life exists.

Without my past, those who I help would not listen nearly as much. They would not find the hope that they do, if they could not relate to me. Research shows that the therapeutic alliance is the single most important indicator of success! I can build that alliance because I am a pickle. Someone in the pickling process can talk to me or hear my story and know that they too can eventually step out of their addiction.  As pickles we can impart hope to those who are still struggling that one day they too can be a pickle!

Now, if you wanted to take that pickle and turn it back into a cucumber could you do it? Of course not, once a cucumber is pickled it can never be unpickled! It has now underdone a permanent change and become something totally different. That said, why would it ever want to be a cucumber again? Now that I have some flavor (experience, wisdom and strength), why would I want to give that up?

When I think of people who save other's lives, there is a list that comes to my mind. I think of fire fighters, nurses, doctors, paramedics and addicts in recovery. All of those people have had to go through specialized training in order to save others. Some people go to college, or an academy to learn how to save lives. We lived life, and then either through the 12 steps or Christ (or both) we have overcame our issues and now we are willing to share our strength, experience and hope with others.

Since I have began to use my past to empower others, I have come to peace with my past. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope and I would never change what I do today. I not only get to talk to addicts, I also have the privilege of talking to pastors, chaplains, missionaries, college students, professors, substance abuse counselors, probation officers and the families and parents of addicts.

Tornadoes, Recovery and My Faith

I know this might sound weird, but my faith was bolstered last year when I went to Joplin to do crisis work and psychological first aid for those who survived the tornado as well as those who were volunteering to help. That may not sound like the place for faith to gain strength, but it is. I have been thinking about the opportunities that present themselves for many, not all, that have been affected by the recent tornadoes in Branson half an hour from where I now live and Harrisburg ten minutes from where I grew up to grow in their faith.

I had a friend that lost a family member due to the Joplin tornado and she was devastated. I also provided support in my role as a counselor to several people that had lost family, loved ones, homes and businesses to the EF 5 tornado that ripped through Joplin. They were struggling with the severity of the damage and the senselessness or the losses that occurred when I first met them.

I agree with them, it is difficult to see why bad things happen, and to feel pain. That said, the worst pain that I have ever experienced brought me into a relationship with Christ. When I was not able to see my son and my father had just committed suicide, I was completely out of hope. I found that hope in Christ, and with that faith I will never be brought down again. I was still unprepared for the sites that I witnessed in Joplin. I am not sure if anything prepares you for a sight like Joplin.

When I went to Joplin, I was astounded at the carnage. I was in shock, but as I looked around when we got into town I saw tent after tent set up. Every single tent that I saw as I walked among them was giving out food, water, blankets, clothing, etc. They had what the people of Joplin were in dire need of. They asked for nothing in return, and were sharing not only supplies, but compassion, smiles and hope. Every tent that I went into was sponsored by a church. When I began talking to the people handing out the supplies, every one of the people that I talked to was a Christian.

Convoy of Hope brought up semi-trucks full of supplies. Convoy of Hope is a Christian ministry. Every where I went I saw Christians helping those in need. They were being Christ-like: loving, feeding and clothing those in need. It helped restore the part of my faith that was getting jaded by the judgmental, hateful people I run into occasionally who are Christian in name only. I saw that the church still comes together to help those who are hurting; whether they are Christian, Atheist, Agnostic or Jewish.

I also noticed that of the people that I talked to, there were two groups that seemed to have an advantage. The Christians that I talked to were doing better at coming to terms with why the devastation and loss had happened. They could look to the sky, even though it was sometimes out of anger or frustration, and say that at least the lost loved ones finally got to go home. "They are in a better place." Several Christians also stated, "I may not understand what is happening or why, but I do know that God has a plan."

The second group that I saw doing well were those in recovery. While many of the people that I talked to did not have a support system to help them or mentors/sponsors to talk to, those in recovery did. They were not searching for someone to talk to or people to help them, they already had the system in place that they needed. That, and I think that already living through hell had prepared them for going through it one more time.

I know that this will not make the loss any better for those who are hurting. What I do know is that when I am struggling through crisis, I have developed a support network that will be there to assist me. I also know that I have a God, an awesome God, that has taken all of my hurts and allowed me to grow from them and use them to help other people. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope, and I owe it all to Christ!

I hope that your faith gives you the insight and strength  that mine has. I also hope that the prayers being sent to you will give you the serenity to stay rational when confronted with adversity, the courage to face it, the hope that life can get better and the optimism to use your faith to make you stronger and overcome any obstacle that this world throws at you. Remember, this world is only temporary!