Celebrate Recovery - Why I Believe CR is for Everyone!

There are multiple arguments I have heard against Celebrate Recovery. I am going to address a couple of the more common ones. In doing this I hope you will see Celebrate Recovery is for everyone. After all, we all fall short of living a perfect life and have all experienced hurts, habits and hang-ups that keep us from living life to the fullest. Celebrate Recovery is a program that allows you to live an abundant life!

Here are the 5 most common reasons I have heard for not attending Celebrate Recovery:

1.       I don’t need Celebrate Recovery because I am not an addict or alcoholic.

2.       I don’t believe in God, and Celebrate Recovery believes in that mythical guy in the sky.

3.       I don’t need a 12 step program to help me. The 12 steps are for junkies and winos.

4.       I am not going to tell a bunch of people my problems.

5.       I don’t need a sponsor to help me live my life.

Here are my responses to the arguments listed above:

1.       So you are not addicted to alcohol or drugs. In fact, you may never have seen drugs or touched a drop of alcohol your entire life. That does not mean recovery isn’t for you. There are many things in this life that we struggle to recover from. That is why Celebrate Recovery addresses more than just addiction. It addresses hurts habits and hang-ups.

HURTS are those feelings elicited from experiencing hurtful situations and other people’s negative behaviors. HABITS are the chronic behaviors and addictions you use to cope with stressors in life. HANG-UPS are negative mental attitudes that keep us from progressing further in life. Everyone struggles with at least one, if not many of these issues.  

2.       Yes, Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered program. However, you don’t have to be a Christian to go there. When I first came to Celebrate Recovery, I was an atheist who leaned towards agnosticism. I came because I was depressed and hopeless and the meetings that I had been going to were not working for me. The meetings I went to were overflowing with sobriety but deficient in recovery.  

I needed something different. I needed to be around positive people who did not all refer to themselves as addicts and alcoholics. I found that in Celebrate Recovery. I also found there was a kinship between addicts, codependents, workaholics and people with eating disorders. There was a similarity between my anger, someone else’s depression and someone’s materialism. I had friends that were not addicts and alcoholics but who still struggled with life. That was healing in a way I had never known before. I gained hope and stopped judging myself.

3.       Why don’t you need the 12 steps? Is there a guide you follow to help you live a more satisfying, less chaotic life? If not, there should be and that is what the 12 steps are. They are a game plan for success in life. Who does not need to live a better life? I have yet to meet a perfect person. I know great people who live amazing lives, but they are ALL WORKS IN PROGRESS .  The 12 steps are a guide to making the progress we all need in order to live richer, more fulfilling lives.

4.       I understand why there may be things you don’t want to share with other people. I get that! I was abused as a child both physically and sexually. People knew that I had been abused physically. I was ashamed of being sexually abused, though. I knew I would be judged and criticized if anyone knew, so I kept that secret for over 30 years. I never told anyone. I was speaking at a church when I shared it for the first time. It wasn’t planned, it just happened.

After the sermon, I had someone tell me he had been molested as well and had never told anyone until now. Since I began sharing that part of my life, half a dozen men have thanked me for sharing and told me I was the first person they had ever shared that part of their life with. So my sharing helped others. It also helped me. The burden I once struggled to carry alone has been shared with many others. It no longer feels as heavy and shameful as it once did. I have been met with nothing but love and encouragement since I began sharing that part of my life. In fact, the shame and guilt I carried for over 30 years has vanished!  

5.       The word sponsor here really turns some people off. Instead of sponsor, let’s call this person a mentor. A mentor is an adviser who is both experienced and trusted. Bill Gates, the world’s richest person according to the Forbes 400 in 2013, has a mentor. Bill Gate regularly goes to Warren Buffet for advice. Socrates mentored Plato, Plato mentored Aristotle and Aristotle mentored Alexander the Great. Even in the Bible, we see that Barnabas mentored Paul who in turn mentored Timothy.

If Bill Gates, Aristotle and Paul felt the need for mentors, maybe you should as well. After all, mentors/sponsors are vitally important to making positive changes in our lives. They have a history of making the kind of choices we strive to make in order to have the type of life we desire to live. They have been where we are and have a found a better life for themselves and they share that recipe for success with us!

When I came to Celebrate Recovery I was no longer a proud and angry agnostic who knew it all. I was shattered and hopeless. Life had finally broken me fundamentally and I saw no way out. I had tried everything: Rational Recovery, various anonymous recovery groups, counseling, prescription medication, residential and outpatient treatment, prison, jail, house arrest, probation, parole and finally suicide. Nothing has ever worked for longer than 3 months.

What I found in Celebrate Recovery worked. I have been free from my addictions for over 5 years now. I want to share the hope and happiness I have found with others. That is why I speak in communities and churches. This is the reason I write and post things through my blog. I want to share the strength, experience and hope I found when I experienced Christ’s love and grace with everyone.  Celebrate Recovery works!

If you have any doubts or questions about the efficacy of Celebrate Recovery please share them with me. Send me messages on Facebook or post them in the comments on my blog. That way I can answer them and allay your fears, anxieties and doubts so you give Celebrate Recovery a try. I want you to attend meetings, join a step study group and give it a chance. The only things you have to lose are the hurts habits and hang-ups you struggle with. It worked for me and I truly believe it will work for you!

I Apologize (A formal apology)

Last night I got out of my car to return a Red Box movie. The car next to me had it's stereo pumping with no driver inside. He/She had gone in to get something, leaving their car running with the windows down and the stereo on full blast. The music coming from the stereo was some old school chopped and screwed remix that I used to listen to back in the day. I heard it, and I was instantly embarrassed for the families pulling up with children due to the language and subject matter of the song. That embarrassment led me to write this apology letter to you today.

You see, pulling up beside you with my stereo blasting while I listened to music was what I did. My music was about drugs, sex and violence. It contained the "f" bomb in a place of importance based on the frequency it was repeated. I would have windows down and sit next to you at a red light, or leave my car running while I ran inside somewhere just so you and your family would have to listen. I could care less about you and yours. I didn't even care about me. This is one of my more minor offenses, but I apologize.

I was not a bad looking kid in school, and I took advantage of it. When we were in a relationship I was always on the look out for the next cute girl. I knew I was up to no good and headed for even worse things in the future and I tried to bring you down with me. I cheated on you, used you, lied to you in order to get what I wanted and treated you as unimportant compared to my friends, my drugs and my drinking. The truth is, when I met you all I saw was a challenge and another notch on my bedpost. For all the times I dumped you for another girl, cheated on you with your friends and sisters, used you as a one night stand and lied to you about anything and everything I apologize.

I was a drug user, drug dealer, alcoholic and all around party guy. I would serve you extra strong drinks to get you drunker quicker so that the money would start rolling freer. I got you high for the first time and encouraged you to try harder drugs so that I could make money. I got you high for free when you were trying to get clean in return for your Narcotic's Anonymous key tag. I only gave you 40 cents on the dollar for food stamps in trade for drugs and I knew that you had a family at home to feed. I was greedy, and the more you got high the more I could get high and still have a pocket full of cash. I ruined your life and for that I am sorry.

I beat you up over money. Just because you owed me cash was no reason to hurt you. That time you tried to short me was no reason to do the damage that I did. I thought that I had to make an example and I went way too far to do it. Finally, just because you were with that cute girl I wanted was no reason to lay in to you, but I did that too. Looking back, all I can say is I should never have been that mean to you.

I mocked you because you believed in God. I used my lack of believe and faith in God to make me feel superior to you and I was never shy, especially as I got older and more bitter, to let you know it. I liked to poke fun at you about your fairy tale belief and blind faith. I took pride in finding you ill equipped to combat my agnosticism and knowledge. I tried to shake your faith and sometimes I did. Unfortunately, that happened often and I do not have the words to express my regret.

As I approach the 5 year anniversary of my recovery, I look at the carnage I left behind. I chased money, power, sex, drugs, pain........anything to escape my past. I prided myself on never hitting you because "I didn't hit girls" yet I would psychologically and emotionally abuse you non-stop, never realizing that my form of abuse was worse than hitting you. I took food stamps from you, never caring about the starving mouths at home because you were laid off and those food stamps were all you had to feed your family. I got you high for the first time, not caring that it led down a road that ended with you going to prison. Sometimes you died, either by your own hand, someone else's, an overdose or a car wreck after you left the party. I guess that makes it pretty hard for me to apologize to you know, but I am sorry.

I always justified my way of living. After all, you chose to be around me. You chose to be my friend. You chose to date me. You chose to be in debt to me. It was never my fault. You should have seen me coming. How could you not know who and what I was? I never pretended to be anything other than what I was, or did I? Besides, you would have done it anyway, or would you? I could read you, I was smart, I talked fast and lived life even faster. I made it look fun and attractive. That allowed me to talk you into doing things you generally never would have. I got you to go further than you wanted to. I helped you graduate from wine coolers to whiskey, alcohol to marijuana, marijuana to methamphetamine and from putting it up your nose to putting it in your veins. For that I beg your forgiveness.

Not to make excuses but just to explain a little about me, I had some problems. I don't know if you know this, but I was sexually abused by my babysitter when I was 4 then 5 and 6 and onward. Then my mom left my dad the first week of 5th grade and I lived with her dad. He abused me. He beat me so bad a couple of times that he called in to school for an entire week and told them I was sick so they would not see the bruises. I became violent. I learned to embrace pain and not show my emotion. I learned how to hide my true feelings and only show people what I wanted them to see, or sometimes what I thought they wanted to see.

Then I found drugs. Marijuana was the first thing I tried, and it made me a little numb and for the first time put me in a crowd that I felt I fit in to. Just like that, I was hooked. It progressed, as it often does, and my use became daily and the experimentation began. I found bigger and badder things to do. Ultimately, I became addicted to more. More money, more drugs, more alcohol, more women, more fighting, more crime, more partying, more, more, more. It didn't matter what it was, as long as I could temporarily escape my life or numb myself to everything around me. I graduated from probation to house arrest to prison, from low self-esteem to self-loathing to hating myself to botched suicides and from drinking to doing drugs to dealing drugs to manufacturing them. Nothing was ever enough.

I hated who I was, I could not stand me and nothing I could do changed that. I hid it, as I always have. I would never let down those walls for you. Sometimes I would tell you I was opening up, but I was lying. I was just telling you what I thought you wanted to hear, just enough to keep you in my life. Then, my dad committed suicide almost 6 years ago. My drinking spiraled even further out of control I raged and struck out at anyone and everyone I could. I broke up with my son's mother. For a while I was not allowed to see my son, then could only see him for a couple of hours at the park a week with his maternal side all standing guard as if I would snatch him and run. The truth is, I probably would have if they wouldn't have been there.

Because of this chaos and turmoil, my whole world shifted in the right direction almost a year after my dad's death. His death and not seeing my son left me raw, hurting and unable to hide behind walls like I had always done before. I had tried everything else and life still sucked, so I decided to give God a chance. It was not intentional, but instead come out of a foxhole prayer I prayed one night. Not going to lie, it was pretty awkward at first. I did not like church because it contained Christians. I hated Christians.  Christians were weak, fake, judgmental hypocrites that lived in fantasy land and there was no way I was going to drink their kool-aid. Then I found a group that changed my mind.

It was called Celebrate Recovery. It allowed me to work through my hurts, habits and hang ups while building relationships with God and the people around me. Through that program I found a relationship with Christ. I began to build real relationships with positive people that cared about me not what they could use me for. I learned to like who I was and realize that if not for my past I would not be the person I am today. Soon, I had hope again. The 31st of January will be the 5 year anniversary of drinking that kool-aid and entering into recovery. I am giving my testimony that week, and I wish you could actually be there to hear it. But I digress.

I hope you know that I truly am sorry. That is why I have put it on paper for anyone and everyone to read. Words cannot accurately express the depth of my apology, as I have damaged you in unfathomable ways. I know words are not enough, especially when put to paper and not spoken. Honestly, you are many and live all over the world. Sometimes I do not know your name, and due to head trauma and lifestyle there are months sometimes years of my life I do not remember so I would have missed some of the ways I had hurt you. I figured that writing it and posting it was the best way to make a blanket apology for all that I have done to you.

This apology is not just to you, though. I realize you were a son, daughter, mother, father, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, sister, brother and friend to other people and I apologize to them as well. If it is any consolation my days of being a soldier for Satan are over. I turned traitor and went to the other side.  I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope. Five years ago I decided to make my life a living amends; a dealer of hope reaching out to those who are suffering and struggling and I have been doing it ever since.

I know that does not change what I did in the past. It cannot make the wrongs right, but it is a start. I also know this apology doesn't change everything I did to you and the people you love. Those things all happened and I cannot take them back. But I cannot change the past, only my present and by proxy my future. That may not be enough for you. I understand you may never be able to forgive me after all I did to you and the people you care about. That is fair and those feelings you have are valid. That said, I hope this letter has found you doing well and living your life to the fullest.

It is my desire that some day you find it in your heart to forgive me if you cannot forgive me today. In the widest stretch of my imagination you read this then reach out to me and let me know how you are doing. You let me know this was heard and that you don't hate me. You might even tell me you forgive me. In closing, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you soon.

What Brought Me to Church and Kept Me Coming Back

The church is losing people according to recent polls. There are probably some good reasons for this, but I don’t want to focus on what the church is doing wrong. Instead, I want to focus on what some churches are doing right. I was an Agnostic when I first came to church. I felt totally and completely uncomfortable there and I had preconceived notions about the church and the people inside. There was a reason that I came there, and a reason that I kept coming back.

I came to church because I had people in my life that loved me and cared about me, even though I had a lot of issues. I had always run into judgmental, hypocritical Christians in the past. I was raised by them, in fact. In my addiction I have had people telling me that I was going to go to hell because I was not saved while they were doing methamphetamine with me. I finally met a couple that were truly living their lives as a Christian should, and their empathy and kindness is what finally got me to step foot into a church.

The church that I walked into with them had a Celebrate Recovery meeting. It was a meeting weekly to help people with their hurts, habits and hang-ups. There was a chemical dependency group that I went to at the church that was faith-based. The church was not only willing to admit that many people who came there had issues, they were not afraid to talk about it. I had tried other programs, I needed something different and I found it in Celebrate Recovery.

The very first song that they played the day I went was called “Cry Out to Jesus.” It was by a band called Third Day, and in the song they actually talked about addiction. They were talking about struggles that I could relate to in their songs. I realized that the outside world often sang about addiction, but never would have thought that Christian music would come right out and talk about such a taboo subject.

The associate pastor heard that I was an Agnostic and asked me if we could meet and talk. When we met and talked, he was very warm and genuine. He answered my questions, and then gave me a book to read that he said had helped him. It was Lee Strobel’s “The Case for Christ.” He then offered to meet with me regularly to answer any questions that came up. He did not push me, scoff at my ideas/beliefs nor did he talk down to me.

The church was very friendly, and soon I knew the names of several people and a lot more of them knew my name. I would always have people talking to me, asking me how I was doing and showing real interest in me as a person.  If I did not come one week I would have people ask me if everything was okay the following week “because we missed you last week.” I felt accepted and wanted.

The sermons were about the Bible and how to live life Biblically. They were often about the words and teachings of either Jesus or one of his disciples. It was not wishy washy stuff about staying the way I was and how much God loved me. It was about how much God loved me and how I would make positive changes and better choices as I continued on my walk with him. We talked about how my life would change. 

That is a few of the things that really helped me begin my walk with Christ. I have already discussed how I feel about the choices many churches are making in reaching out to the unchurched. As one who was unchurched, all I can say is that by the time many of us step foot inside a church it is because we are hopeless and searching for something to fill that void. It is because we are tired of the way the world is and are looking for something different. Give us something different. That is all I have to say about that.

BLiR Spring Bash: What We Need to Make it Successful

The BLiR (Better Life in Recovery) Spring Bash is coming up in less than 7 weeks. It is going to be an awesome, fun opportunity for all that come out. We are planning on having games, a car bash, prizes/giveaways, food, live music, several testimonies and a positive message. Did I mention IT IS ALL FREE!!!!!

This is what we have so far. We have a band and two solo artists that will be performing. Who they will be announced next week. We have several speakers that will be performing. We have the car for the car bash donated (thanks to Henry's in Nixa), as well as some of the prizes we will be giving away during the event. We have a 6th degree black belt that will be doing demonstrations, as well as goggles that simulate being intoxicated. We are working on the food, and should have it locked up in the next couple of weeks. I am also meeting with a group of youth pastors tomorrow evening to let them know about the event.

What we need: 

1. 4 Sponsors of $500 each (will have logo for their business or church on all printed promotional material)
2. A minimum of 100 T-Shirts and 25 hats with the BLiR logo (if donated will have sponsors logo on them)
3. A minimum of 2 major prizes, such as the new Nintendo Wii-U (One of them is for a grand prize and the other is for the youth group of the church who brings the most people) (will have logo for their business or church on all printed promotional material)
4. One more band for the event (we are using bands 
5. Spreading the message so that we can impact as many people as possible with the event
6. Prayer

If you can help with any of this, please let me know as soon as possible. Contact me at David@betterlifeinrecovery.com We would like to have the flyers printed, and we need sponsors so that we can put your name or logo on them. This event has the ability to reach several hundred youth. Help us make it a success!!!!

Are You Grateful for Your Addiction? or Why I'm Glad To Be A Pickle

Have you ever wondered, "When will I feel or be the person that I used to be?" It could be because you struggle with addiction, you lived through a natural disaster, you were abused as a child or you lost a child. You want to get over it, to forget it and to move on. You want to forget that it happened so that your life can return to normal. I often have clients that I work with ask me the same question, "When do I get to be the person that I was before this happened?"

The short answer is, NEVER! Before you shut me out, hear me out. I was abused as a child, my parents separated and I blamed myself, other family members were abused and I blamed myself, I went to prison, I dealt drugs, I attempted suicide, I was involved in manufacturing methamphetamine and I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. There is nothing that I can ever do to change what I did in the past. No time machine to hop in and undo what I had already done.

Along the way I found that no amount of anger, anxiety, self-loathing, denial, depression, bargaining or escape will change my past. I wasted a lot of energy on that in my past, and yet everything that I had done remained done. I never was able to change the choices I made in my past. I beat myself up for years about it. I hated myself! Every time that I looked into a mirror I saw a convict, a junkie, and a dope cook. I was miserable, and I saw no way of ever escaping my past. I had not shot up in a decade and I still thought about it sometimes, and I still judged myself for doing it.

Then I heard an example that changed my life. I will share it with you know, and in the way that I now share it with others. We are all born cucumbers. That is not a bad thing, there is nothing wrong with a cucumber. It may be a little bland and tasteless. I cannot eat a cucumber all by itself. I generally need to dip it in ranch, or eat it with other things in a salad. As a cucumber, it is okay.

Know, take that cucumber and add some spices and vinegar and let it soak all that up and simmer in it. You know have a delicious pickle. That bland, ordinary cucumber has been transformed into something awesome! Just as we as humans are transformed by the things we experience and overcome in our lives. We have to soak in all of the negative things that happen to us, whether they are done by others or by our choice, and then use those to change us.

Before my addiction I was a cucumber, now I am a pickle. I have more flavor, so to speak. Thanks to my addictions, mental illnesses and abuse I have gained strength and wisdom that can only be gained through overcoming! Without my past, I am just like everybody else. I am normal. That is not a bad thing, the world needs normal people. That said, the world also needs pickles. Who better to help someone overcome an addiction than a former addict?

I do my job as well as I do for two reasons. One reason is that I have gone through extensive training in college and continuing education training. I have read countless books and listened to multiple experts in the field talk. The second reason is that I also have lived as an addict and by the Grace of God overcame my addictions. That gives me empathy that many do not have. It has allowed me to stay positive and hopeful when working with clients and friends who are struggling with life controlling issues.

In Celebrate Recovery we call them hurts, habits and hang-ups. We do that because it does not just have to be addiction. In fact, it seldom is only addiction! I was abused as a child, grew up in a split home, my father was an alcoholic, I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder as well as many other mental health diagnosis, I felt like I never fit in as a kid, attempted suicide, my father committed suicide, I have seen multiple people die, etc. Recovery is working through all of those issues and finding that a better life exists.

Without my past, those who I help would not listen nearly as much. They would not find the hope that they do, if they could not relate to me. Research shows that the therapeutic alliance is the single most important indicator of success! I can build that alliance because I am a pickle. Someone in the pickling process can talk to me or hear my story and know that they too can eventually step out of their addiction.  As pickles we can impart hope to those who are still struggling that one day they too can be a pickle!

Now, if you wanted to take that pickle and turn it back into a cucumber could you do it? Of course not, once a cucumber is pickled it can never be unpickled! It has now underdone a permanent change and become something totally different. That said, why would it ever want to be a cucumber again? Now that I have some flavor (experience, wisdom and strength), why would I want to give that up?

When I think of people who save other's lives, there is a list that comes to my mind. I think of fire fighters, nurses, doctors, paramedics and addicts in recovery. All of those people have had to go through specialized training in order to save others. Some people go to college, or an academy to learn how to save lives. We lived life, and then either through the 12 steps or Christ (or both) we have overcame our issues and now we are willing to share our strength, experience and hope with others.

Since I have began to use my past to empower others, I have come to peace with my past. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope and I would never change what I do today. I not only get to talk to addicts, I also have the privilege of talking to pastors, chaplains, missionaries, college students, professors, substance abuse counselors, probation officers and the families and parents of addicts.