The Testimony I Gave On My 5th Birthday

Hi, my name is David and I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who’s in recovery and I have struggled with drug and alcohol addiction, pornography and sex, childhood physical and sexual abuse, anger, depression, anxiety and codependency. I still struggle with comfort eating, as you can tell by looking at me. The story of how I got to where I am today is a 41 year odyssey and we don’t have that much time. I hope you like cliff notes. My testimony starts out the same way far too many testimonies do.

One of my first memories is being molested by a baby sitter from our church. I was ridiculed and made fun of while being molested; laughed at and told how disgusting and bad I was. That is why I never told my parents. I didn’t want them to know how disgusting I was. Growing up, my mother was physically abusive and my father was an alcoholic. The first week of 5^th grade my mother left my dad and sent my siblings and I to live with her father. He was highly abusive. On several occasions he beat me so badly he called into school for the week and told them I was helping on the farm or I was sick. After the bruises and cuts healed he would send me back to school. In my mind, I thought the beatings were because my grandpa knew what I had done with my baby sitter.

I grew to hate myself and lost all hope. Because of that I became angry and violent. I learned to embrace pain and built walls. I learned to hide my true feelings and only show people what I wanted them to see, or what I thought they wanted to see. I also lost my faith. Growing up, my parents were Christians and I saw them live different lives at home than they did out in public. My parents were hypocrites, and I associated that with Christians. Combine that with the physical and sexual abuse I went through and in the 5^th grade I became agnostic. If there was a God it was not the one I had heard about. He could care less about me, so I could care less about Him.

The summer before 7^th grade I discovered marijuana. Instantly, two things happened. For the first time I felt accepted by a group, and for the first time I forgot about my past. The same weekend I found marijuana I also found cocaine, alcohol, vandalism and sex. What I found was that the harder the drugs, the number I became. I didn’t have to fake not hurting, because drugs made me forget the pain. If I stayed high and drunk, I did not hurt. As worthless as I felt, if I had a cute girl next to me and was getting high or drunk I felt a little better, a little more popular, a little less worthless. I instantly became addicted to more.

More money, more drugs, more alcohol, more women, more fighting, more crime, more partying, more, more, more. It didn't matter what it was, as long as I could temporarily escape my life or numb myself to everything around me. I graduated from probation to scared straight to house arrest to prison, from low self-esteem to self-loathing to hating myself to botched suicides and from doing drugs to dealing drugs to manufacturing them. Nothing was ever enough. Nothing ever made me happy so I destroyed lives. I hated myself and that hate led me to no longer caring for anyone or anything. I was a soldier for Satan.

My rock bottom occurred multiple times, but I would grab a shovel and dig more. I got alcohol poisoning and my stomach pumped as a teen-ager. I turned 21 in prison. I died 3 times in a car accident drinking and driving at 22. I attempted suicide and was found unconscious in a pool of blood at 23. In a one year period when I was 28 I overdosed 3 times. I have died more times than I can count on one hand, but it was never enough to get me to stop using.

Not that I didn’t try, however. I have been on probation and parole for over a decade, jail and prison for about 2 years, seen psychologists and psychiatrists, been prescribed medication, gone to rehab both outpatient and inpatient and did my 90 meetings in 90 days in one of the anonymous programs then completed the 12 steps with a sponsor 2 or 3 times. But I always went back out. The longest I stayed clean and sober was for 3 months.

Then, my dad committed suicide 6 years ago. My drinking spiraled even further out of control. I raged and struck out at anyone and everyone I could. I broke up with my son's mother. For a while I was not allowed to see my son, then could only see him for a couple of hours at the park a week with his mother’s family standing guard as if I would snatch him and run. They were right; I probably would have if they had not been there.

His death and not seeing my son left me raw, hurting and unable to hide behind walls like I had always done before. I had tried everything else and I was still drinking, angry, depressed and hopeless, so I decided to give God a chance. Not going to lie, it was pretty awkward at first. I was lured into church with the promise of good BBQ so I came. After all, I love to eat. I did not like church because it contained Christians. I hated Christians. Christians were weak, fake, judgmental hypocrites that lived in fantasy land. I continued living my life my way. There was no way I was going to drink their kool-aid. I was wrong.

After denying God for over 20 years I finally turned to Him. It was a foxhole prayer nine months after I stepped foot into church for BBQ. One night I pulled out of the bar drunk. A police car zoomed up behind me. I knew if he pulled me over I would get a DWI. If I got a DWI I would lose my job and get kicked out of my graduate program in college. I immediately began to pray. “God, if I don’t get pulled over, I will go to church every Sunday.” I turned and the officer turned with me. I continued to pray, “I promise, if I don’t get pulled over I will go to church every Sunday and will never drink again.” I turned and the police officer turned with me again. Every time I turned he turned and I added something to my prayer. By the time I turned onto my street I was going to start going to church every Sunday, quit drinking, drugging, smoking cigarettes, cussing, fighting and having premarital sex.

As I turned onto my street, the police car went straight. I passed out in my car in the driveway. Passing out in my car was not unheard of for me, but the next morning was a little different. I actually remembered the night before. I had not blacked out like every other time I woke up in my car. I remembered praying to God on the way home and making a deal with Him. I also knew that I had plans to go to my friend Josh’s house to watch the Superbowl and everyone there drank and smoked cigarettes. The voice I always called my addiction that I now realize is the devil started talking to me. “You’ve been using drugs and drinking for over 20 years,” and “You’ve been smoking cigarettes for a quarter of a century,” played over and over in my head. “You’ll never quit. You have tried many times and failed. Why fail again? Go have fun.”

I took a shower and hopped into my car to go to my friend Josh’s. I had given up before I even started trying. Those voices kept talking to me, supporting my choice to go drink. As I was driving to my friend’s house a song came on the radio I didn’t like so I flipped channels. I came to a dead spot and waited to see what song was next. The first word’s I heard were, “I wish you could see me know, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was.” The voice in my head changed. It was no longer the voice I had always heard talking to me but a voice I had never heard before yelling at me, saying, “You are not who you were yesterday. You are changed. You can do this. You never have to be who you were again.” 

I started crying and pulled over to the side of the road. I knew that I would never drink or do drugs again. God used a Christian radio station called the Wind I had never listened to before and a song by Brandon Heath called, “I’m Now Who I Was” I had never heard before to change me. In that instant I  knew God had kept his part of the bargain, so I have attempted to keep mine. I am blessed enough to say I have not drank, drugged, gotten into a fight outside of the ring, been promiscuous or smoked a cigarette since then. I may have cursed a few times, but it is about progress not perfection.

God was leading me in the right direction. That same night I started reading the Bible and discovered Paul. He was like my twin brother. I could totally relate to what he was saying, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For what I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing,”and “Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst.” My attitude towards God was changing, but my attitude towards Christians was not.

I still could not stand Christians because of my experiences with them. Then I met a group that changed all of that. It was called Celebrate Recovery. It allowed me to work through my hurts, habits and hang ups while building relationships with God and people. Through Celebrate Recovery I found a relationship with Christ. I discovered he was not the judgmental, vindictive God I knew from my youth, but instead a God who loved me so much He died so my sins could be forgiven. I began to build real relationships with positive people that cared about me.

I realized that my past relationships were built on drugs, fear and dishonesty. In my addiction I had friends that would have taken a bullet for me, but would have put one in me for the right price. In my recovery I was surrounded by Christians who cared about me and wanted to help me become a better person. They did not use me, look down on me or judge me. In Romans 3:23 Paul says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I came to realize that I was not the black sheep in the church. Instead, the church was filled with black sheep and going there just introduced me to my flock.

Then came the step study. Through the 12 steps in Celebrate Recovery I learned to forgive myself. I learned to like who I was and realized that if not for my past I would not be the person I am today. Step 1 showed me how my inability to work through my problems had caused me to lose hope. Step 1 showed me why I had lost faith in God. I had started worshipping and focusing on my addictions; they were at the center of everything I did.  I had made them my God.

Step 2 was the step that impacted me the most. It reintroduced me to the hope I had lost when I was a child. My hope was abused out of me by the people who should have loved me and protected me then kept out by my Agnosticism and unwillingness to talk about my past and work through. I had nothing to look forward to. In my addiction, if I woke up without a hangover or withdrawals with a cute girl beside who whose name I might or might not know, that was the best my life was ever going to get. I believed at the end of my life I would turn to dust and there would be nothing else. That was the end. No wonder I was so depressed and hopeless all of the time.

Step 2 asked me to begin believing in a Higher Power who had a name. Instead of being told that my Higher Power could be anything I wanted it to be, I was told it was Jesus Christ. I was encouraged to build a relationship with Jesus Christ and be ready for change, for Christ had the power to make changes in me that I didn’t have myself. So I gave God a chance. After all, I had tried everything secular and spiritual and failed.

Through Step 2 I was able to regain hope. InChrist I have something more to look forward to than complete nonexistence when I die. What I do today matters. How I treat people matters. If life sucks today and for the rest of my life, I know what I have coming to me in my next life will be amazing. No matter how bad my day gets, I know that if I continue to live my life guided by the Holy Spirit that I have an eternity of bliss promised to me. Because of that promise, I can make it through everything that this world has to throw at me. When I get knocked down, I have a reason to get back up.

While working through step 2 I really began to understand how the Holy Spirit worked through me. I learned to pray, meditate and listen for the voice of God to guide me on my journey of recovery and in life. I also first heard my favorite scripture, Philippians 4:13. It says, “I can do all through Him who gives me strength.” I learned that I could have a new life if I trusted in God and followed where the Holy Spirit led me.

Part of that journey was God softening my heart and giving me the humility needed to make apologies and amends to all of the people I had hurt and used or who loved people I had hurt and used in my past. In doing that I learned how to forgive myself. That was hardest. After all, I was the person I hurt and hated the most. Over time I stopped seeing a junkie, felon and victim every time I looked in the mirror. I overcame my shame and self-loathing. Through Celebrate Recovery I learned people could know everything about me, from what I had done to what had been done to me, and still love me and want to be friends even though they had not done the same things I had done or experienced the same things I had experienced.

In Celebrate Recovery I learned that people who struggle with codependency, eating disorders, gambling, shopping, alcoholism, drugs, anger, depression and a whole lot of other things all shared some if not all of the same issues I had went through in my past. The only difference between us was the coping mechanisms we used to escape and numb ourselves from them. That was an amazing thing for me to learn. As I became more accepting of other people’s struggles, I became more accepting of my own. God was working in me!

God has made powerful changes and given me incredible gifts. I cannot begin to touch on them all, but I will list a few. A month after I accepted Christ I was first contacted by my wife on E-Harmony. She was a 35 year old lady who had never drank, did drugs, committed a crime and had lived her entire life putting God first. We had nothing in common and I tried to talk her out of dating me. God had a different plan. She is my perfect compliment. Christ had to wait until I was ready to place the woman of my dreams in my life. A year and a half ago my wife gave birth to our daughter, Addison Grace. But that is not all that God has done to build my family.

When my son’s mother and I were together, we never went to church. After we split up, my ex was invited to a single mom’s group at her grandma’s church. After hearing the horror stories there, she began to appreciate me more. Through this program I have been able to forgive her and make amends for hurting her. She has learned to forgive me. Last year, my wife, daughter, son, my ex, her husband and his two kids went to white water and silver dollar city together as one big family. By putting God first in our lives we have been able to build an amazing relationship with each other.

My interaction with others has also changed drastically. I used to believe that people were only placed in my path so that I could use them and staying high was all that mattered. With God that has changed. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope. I now spend my time trying to help others instead of using them. Today I am a counselor for Greene County DWI and Drug court clients. I get to share my experience and hope with them and advocate for them to the judge. It makes me a lot less nervous when I stand in front of a judge today then in the past, I can tell you that much.

I understand why you might feel they are not worthy of forgiveness, that you don’t deserve Christ’s grace. I remember when I went to my pastor and explained to him about this incredible female I had met and how I was not worthy of her because I sinned frequently in my past and was new to Christ while she had lived her entire life for God. I could not understand how this could be, and my pastor told me a story I will relate to you. It is a parable that Christ shared in Matthew about a landowner who hires men in the early morning to go and work his fields for a denarius, which was the common payment for a full day’s work. Three hours later he goes to the marketplace and gets more workers and sends them to his fields. Three hours later he does the same thing, then again three hours later and yet again two hours later. At the end of the day, he paid them all the same and the first hired grumbled about getting paid the same. The landowner told them to take their pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Are you envious because I am generous, he asked them. This parable was not at all about money, but was about God's grace. It means that no matter when in your life you heed God’s call, you will gain Eternal Life.

Realizing that I was worthy of Christ’s grace really helped me. I was beyond hope, or so I was told by many probation officers and counselors and I believed them. If this is how you feel I want you to know that if I can find recovery through Celebrate Recovery, so can you. It is never too late to start a new life, either, as Jesus just explained above but it is something that we can’t do alone. Celebrate Recovery gave me the tools I needed. I had a game plan to follow called the 12 steps. I had a coach to teach me how to play the game called a sponsor. I had teammates who had the same goal I did, recovery. I found them in Celebrate Recovery. They became my accountability partners. Most importantly, I found a relationship with Christ and that has made all the difference in my life.  

In my recovery I have been able to share my testimony with thousands of people. What I used to hate about myself are the same things that people invite me to come and talk about today. I have led chapel and shared my testimony at Assembly of God Theological Seminary and Global University. I have been asked to preach in several churches and I have been a ministry leader for 2 Celebrate Recovery groups. I speak occasionally at Missouri State University and College of the Ozarks. I was the closing speaker at the last Missouri Association of Drug Court Professional’s conference. God has placed me in some amazing places to share the changes He has brought about in my life and keeps leading me to do more.

Better Life in Recovery is the name of the non-profit I am starting and the documentary I have been shooting together with my wife. Through it I have been able to hold events in communities and speak to youth groups about the dangers of addiction and the power of recovery. The purpose is to reach out to those who are struggling and let them know that there is hope and they are not alone in their hurts, habits and hang-ups.

That is what I do today as part of my 12^th step. Speaking and sharing the wonderful life I have found through Christ is my living amends. Thanks for letting me share some of my experiences with you on the 5^th anniversary of my recovery. I hope hearing it helps you as much as sharing it helps me. In all honesty, I owe a lot to the 12 steps, even more to Celebrate Recovery and I owe it all to Christ. With Him all things truly are possible.

What I Am Thankful For

I have seen a lot of people on Facebook, doing a daily list of the things they are thankful for this month. I am certain this is happening because this month contains Thanksgiving. Well, that and I have an almost Sherlock Holmes level of intuition. I have decided to do my list all at once and make it a post that everyone can read. If you have a list I would love for you to share it with me. I am also certain that I have forgotten a lot of thing, since I can only do one per day of the month.

1. God - For without Him we would not be here. To create all that we see and still have taken the time to ensure that the sun was the exact temperature it needed to be, the Earth was placed the perfect distance away from the sun, the moon was placed in orbit around Earth perfectly and that the atmosphere on Earth was exactly right to allow life to be supported is amazing. Then, out of all of the billions of people who have lived, He saw fit to create my mom and dad and then me is nothing short of miraculous. Finally, to use a police car and Brandon Heath's song, "I'm Not Who I Was" to lead me to sobriety. Wow! Thank you, God!
2. Jesus - For without the blood sacrifice made by Him, my life would be lived for naught. Through Jesus we have been forgiven for all of our sins. That He would be the sacrifice and suffer the ultimate death for them goes beyond words when trying to express my thanks!
3. Holy Spirit - Without it to guide and comfort me in times of stress, depression, anger, thoughts of relapse, etc, I do not know if I would still be clean and sober.
4. Grace - Unmerited favor...........basically, that which I do not deserve. God has somehow deemed me worthy of his blessing though I did nothing to receive it and could never do enough to earn it.
5. Prayer - Since I started doing a half hour of prayer two weeks ago I have had several people at work tell me that I seemed less stressed and anxious. It is amazing how beneficial prayer is to me, not to mention how it blesses all of the people I pray for!
6. The Bible - How amazing, to have a guide to life that is God-breathed and beneficial in all situations.
7. Paul - Paul was the person in the Bible that really resonated with me. He was the black sheep I could relate to, and his words have led me to have a stronger and stronger relationship with God and more and more confidence that I could turn my life around.
8. James - That James would write a short, perfect plan for how we are to live our lives is awesome!
9. Julie - My wife is such a boon to me. She has lived her life so well and I am so thankful that my children will have her to look up to and learn from. I look up to her and learn from her, and without her support I would be lost. Her mother and step-dad have been a huge help in watching Addison, too!
10. Michal - My sister has always been there to support me, and at times she even enabled me. That said, I know that she was the only person in my life other than my dad that always had hope I could quit my old lifestyle.
11. Dad - It has been a few years, and sometimes when I think of you it still makes me cry. Without your love and guidance, I would not be the father I am today. I will be forever blessed to have had you as my dad!
12. David Jr. - I never knew real love until I saw you. I never knew real pain until I had to look at you in an incubator after you were born. You have been and always will be my mini-me. I will be forever thankful if you learn from my mistakes instead of having to repeat them.
13. Addison Grace - You are the strongest little girl I know. To see you still smiling after going through two surgeries before you were two months old let me know how tenacious you were. I am so thankful that when you get older we will get to go on father/daughter dates and I can show you how a man treats a lady by my relationship with your mother.
14. Mom - You gave birth to me and always tried your best. I could not have made the change from Branson to Springfield if you had not opened your doors to me when I needed it most.
15. My Past - I am so thankful for my past. It has made me who I am and equipped me with the wisdom and strength to help me impart hope to those who struggle with life-consuming issues.
16. Recovery - It has allowed me to rebuild a life of substance on the same foundation a life of chaos once existed on. I have gone from a soldier for Satan to a diplomat for Christ, from dealing dope to dealing hope.
17. The Wessleys and Kearbeys - Without your love and non-judgemental attitudes, I never would have gone to church in the first place. I want to thank Nate and Becca for loving me to Christ and to Becca's mother for being a pit bull for God when we talked. What a beautiful family every one of the Wessleys and Kearbeys I have met has been.
18. New Life Church - If not for the Celebrate Recovery group, the tattoo wall, the casual dress, the awesome music, the great pastoral staff and the loving, nonjudgemental people who go there I would have been one and done with my church experience. Instead, I was met with love and compassion and I kept coming back.
19. Pastor James - If not for your taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk to me about all of my doubts and to use logic and history to make your point, I would never have gotten saved.
20. Pastor Dan - The knowledge that you impart every week to us in service is like mana for me. Not to mention meeting me for lunch and taking time to help me continue to grow in faith.
21. Brandon Heath - Your song I'm Not Who I Was is one of the major causes of me keeping the deal I made with God and transforming my life. Your song Love Never Fails was my wedding song. You have been instrumental in many of the best things that have ever happened to me and now I listen to you for 30 minutes every morning in the background as I pray. Thank you for the music you write and play.
22. Lee Strobel -  I am thankful for you because of your book, The Case For Christ. When I was having struggles with my faith it was your book that Pastor James gave me to read and it answered so many of my questions and doubts.
23. Friends - I may not feel like I have many, but I have a lot. I know that every time I am down or need to hear something there are always people in my life who are there to pick me up and tell me what I need to hear. I hope that my time to spend with you grows.
24. Worship - There is nothing that improves my mood more than worship music. Whether it is LeCrae when I need some beats, Brandon Heath when I pray or all of the people who are on my page Music of Recovery I thank you all because you have played such an imminent role in my recovery and growth as a Christian.
25. Celebrate Recovery - I am thankful that I found a group sans cussing, 13 stepping and filled with positive Christians. There are ups and downs, but the ups are more frequent and I have gotten so much out of the meetings. I truly found recovery in the CR groups
26. Narcotics Anonymous - It was great to go to these at the beginning. I became abstinent while I attended them, but relapses were always on my horizon. I have known many who have found what they needed but as my sobriety grew I moved on. I needed more Christ!
27. Better Life in Recovery - I could not be more blessed than to have an opportunity to share my testimony and other's testimonies in schools, colleges, communities, events and churches. I can only keep what I have by giving it away and there is no better service than sharing the dangers of addiction and the wonders of recovery with our children, young adults as well as their friends and families. 
28. My Readers and Listeners - I would not continue to write blogs, work on my book, do random vlogs and share my testimony if it was not for the encouragement I have received from all of you at one time or another. If you continue to read it, I will continue to write it. 
29. Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services at Carol Jones Recovery Center - It is a blessing to work at a place that cares about the people who are struggling the most in our community and reaches out to give them hope. I have amazingly compassionate coworkers who truly care about the clients we work with. My boss, Mary is one of the most loving, caring, big hearted, compassionate, driven and motivated Type A personalities I have ever met and working for her has taught me a lot.
30. The United States of America - I am so thankful that I live in a country that allows me to worship and speak as I want. I am allowed to bring Christ and recovery to the masses and never once have I worried about the government imprisoning or beating me for doing it. 
31. Heidi and James - I am thankful that I have a good relationship with my son's mom and her husband. It is such a blessing to my son to have his parents get along and be on the same page. I am just as thankful for Heidi's parents, Rick and Betty. Both of them and their spouses are great grandparents and it is so obvious how much they love DJ. 

So this Thanksgiving, I also look forward to reading your thanksgiving lists. It is always a joy to see people show that they appreciate the things they have. I will continue to be thankful for all that I have, and to begin and end every prayer with this, "God, please make me each day more like Jesus. Let me be your hands and feet to all those I come in contact with. Let me be salt and light to those around me, and use me as you see fit. 

Good Friday, Easter and worship music

Today is Good Friday. I worked, then I went on a 20 mile bike ride. During the bicycle ride, which was on the Greenways in Springfield, I enjoyed nature. I looked at God's creation, and it was good. I saw squirrels, rabbits, birds, trees, flowers and a lot of people. How anyone could possibly look at all that I saw today and think it all came from nothing. That there was a time that space, time and matter didn't exist and it all came into being from a "singularity" or that it just all existed just so and now we have life springing from non-living matter without the guidance of a master's hand is beyond me......and totally irrelevant to this blog.

Instead, I want to look at what I did when I got home on Good Friday. I came home and have spent the last 3 hours in front of the computer signing worship songs. I love to worship, and I have listened to my favorites tonight: Brandon Heath, Casting Crowns, Mercy Me, Third Day, Sanctus Real, Tenth Avenue North, Matt Maher, John Waller, David Crowder, Jeremy Camp, Newsboys, Chris and Conrad, Kutless, Chris Tomlin, Finding Favour and Jonny Diaz. Hillsong and Sidewalk Prophets. I am sure that I left some out, and as for the women and rap worship that I listen to.........I just can't hit the notes or rap well enough to sing on a night of worship.

I just want to share a couple of songs with you that really stood out to me. It is not on me to judge anyone, but there are a lot of people that have forgotten what it means to be a Christian. They have forgotten what Good Friday and Easter are about. Christ died for us, and yet we are afraid to look different to the world. We may go to church, we may tithe, we may raise our hands in worship. That does not make a Christian. Are you cussing, fornicating, drinking to inebriation, drugging, lying, stealing, gossiping, etc. I ask you to listen to this Matthew West song and ask if it describes you. Are you going through the motions:

So, are you just going through the motions? If so, you don't have to anymore. You're past sins no longer matter. God is a God of love, and He loves you regardless of what you have done. He loves you anyway:

Jesus loved us so much, that He did not want us to be bound to death. He wanted us to have the opportunity to be forgiven:

How could He possibly remove the debt of sin that we all owe? He paid the ultimate price for us. Jesus paid it all:

But that is not enough. It was not enough for Jesus to simply die for us. Many have died for others. What He did was come back from the dead. For us, He is risen:

Jesus died and came back three days later. Today we remember His death. On Sunday we celebrate His resurrection. Because of His sacrifice and resurrection, we are changed once we accept Christ. He gave us amazing grace and our chains are gone:

So in closing, we are created new because of the Grace that was shown to us not only when Christ died, but when He was resurrected. Because of that I am a new person, I'm not who I was:

What I really want you to focus on as we approach Easter Sunday is that we were born into sin. God loved us so much that He sent Christ to die, so that we could have eternal life. The problem is that most of us take the Grace we were given for granted. We continue to live our lives as the world does. Christ said that they would hate us as they hated Him. We are not on Earth to fit in, but to shine like a lamp on a hill. You are no longer who you once were, so live like it! If you truly believe that Christ died for you, show it. Your attitude of gratitude should set you apart from the world. Your life should do one thing, like a beacon in a world of darkness it should shine:

The Impact that "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath Had on My Life

I was raised to believe in God by my parents. Then they split, and my mother sent us to live with her father. He was highly abusive, and at times would beat me to the point he would not allow me to go to school for a week so that my injuries would not be seen. I soon became angry and violent and lost my faith in God. I was in the 5^th grade.

I spent much of my life in addiction. It started with cigarettes in 6^th grade and advanced to marijuana, cocaine and mini-thins in 7^th grade. When I moved to Missouri my senior year I was introduced to methamphetamine. I used methamphetamine for the next 12 years, in and out of jail and prison. I also had a severe car accident that left me addicted to opiates. I quit methamphetamine and opiates when I was 29 and started college. I began drinking a few months after I started college. I drank for the next 7 years, becoming an alcoholic and drinking to black out almost every night.

In February of 2008 my father committed suicide. In July of 2008 I broke up with my son’s mother and and she would not let me see my son for the first several months after our break-up. I struggled and did not know what to do. I was out of hope and was beginning to feel the same depression that I felt when I had attempted suicide in 1995. I started to look at the people that I knew who were always happy. The ones who no matter what kept their hope, and it turned out to be a couple I knew who were Christians.

I went up to my friend Nate and told him what was going on and he invited me to come to Church. I told him no. The next week he invited me again and I said no. Then his wife invited me the following week for church and BBQ. The food got me. I came, and the first thing I remember seeing was the tattoo wall that hung up in the Church. It was the tattoos that members of the church had and the reasons why they had gotten them. People were dressed in shorts and t-shirts and I did not feel judged for who I was or how I was dressed. Then I heard that they had a recovery meeting, and the next week I checked it out.

I went to church one or two times a month for the next 5 months. I got to hang out with a couple people that I really liked and was surrounded by happy people. But I was still an Agnostic and struggled with the concept of God. Then I had a night that started the turning point in my life.

I had been drinking one night, heavily. As I pulled out of the bar to go home, I had a police car pull out behind me. I immediately began to pray. “God, if you let me not get pulled over, I will go to church every Sunday.” I turned and the officer turned with me and I prayed again, “I promise, if you let me not get pulled over I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink again.” I turned and the police officer turned with me again. Every time that happened I added something else. By the time I turned onto my street I was going to start going to church every Sunday, quit drinking, smoking, cussing, fighting and having premarital sex.

As I turned onto my street, the police officer continued going straight. I pulled to my house and sat in the car thinking. I guess that I passed out in my car. I remember waking up in the morning and going to bed. I woke up late that afternoon. I had plans to go to my friend Josh’s house to watch the Super Bowl. I remember getting up and laying in bed trying to piece together the night before. I would generally black out and not remember the previous night, but this time I did. I remembered making the deal as I prayed, and the police car driving by after following me half-way across Springfield kept playing over and over in my mind. 

I sat and thought about what I was going to do. I had plans to go to my friend Josh’s house to watch the Super Bowl, and I got into my car to go. I can remember thinking that there was no way I could go to Josh’s house and keep my part of the bargain. I headed over there anyway. I knew that I had made a deal with God, and that God had kept his part of the bargain. I also knew that I had smoked cigarettes for almost 26 years and been addicted to either drugs or alcohol for 24 years. I could not say no.

As I was driving to my friend’s house I was flipping through radio stations when I heard a song start that I had never heard before. As it played, I started to cry. I had to pull over due to the tears. I could not see to drive. As soon as I heard the words, “I wish you could see me know, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was,” I knew that I would never smoke again. At that moment I knew that I would never drink or do drugs again. God spoke to me, and I heard a voice in my head start repeating over and over again, saying, “You are not who you were yesterday. You are changed. You can do this. You never have to be who you were again.” 

The song turned into my anthem and has remained my anthem. I have not drank, smoked a cigarette, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight since the night I prayed to God and bargained with him. I have been able to do that because I’m not who I was. I have begun to relate to the song more and more as my life has changed. When he says, “I used to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side too,” I see the way that I feel about myself and others. I was mad at myself and was hurting. Due to that, I was mad at everyone else, too. I would do whatever I could to keep people away from me, because I knew that if they got to know me, they would hurt me.

When he says, “I found my way around to forgiving you some time ago,” I remembered how hard it was to forgive myself. Long after everyone else had forgiven me, I still struggled to forgive myself for the choices in my past. Then I got saved and turned my life around, and I stopped focusing on hating myself and began looking at how I could use my past to help others. I also forgave the people that I hated in my addiction. Many of them I will never see again to tell them that all is forgiven.

I have ended friendships out of anger when I was really angry at myself, or I was tired of seeing disappointment in their eyes that might or might not have been imagined every time that they looked at me. I was mean and hateful because I was coming down, or I had just gotten out of jail, or just gotten hurt  by somebody else and took it out on them. There are so many reasons......................

Later in the song he says, “I wonder if you ever loved me just for who I am.” That line breaks my heart, because it is so true. I see the people who were my “friends” in my addiction and I know that they did not love me for who I was. My friends were my friends when I was an addict because of several reasons: I had money, I had drugs, I would give them drugs for free or cheap so they could get a hustle on, I gave them a place to sleep, I would buy them food and cigarettes, I would let them take advantage of me, I had a vehicle, they were scared of me/intimidated by me, they wanted to sleep with me or they wanted to sleep with my girlfriend. Never for who I was, but what was in it for them. Sad, sad, sad, but oh so true.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Even though we make changes in our lives, we still have things that have happened in the past and things that happen today that will hurt us and cause us pain. In my past, everything was someone else’s fault. I would feel pain and it would make me strike out at others. This changed in my recovery, as when old situations would arise (new ones too) I would look at the part that I played in them. This was progress. My old friend was blame. Not accepting responsibility kept me sick. If I did not do it, I could not change it. When I accept responsibility, I can then make positive changes!

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was the exact opposite of this. In my addiction I thought that I could sing. I found out in my sobriety that I could not. It was kind of embarrasing when I realized that I could not sing nearly as well as I thought that I could. I had always been encouraged to sing, but those people were as out of it and as fake as I was. I can carry a tune, but it is done with a voice that cracks at all the wrong places. Sobering reality!

The second part of this verse shows the difference in some of us in our addictions. I wanted no one around me when I was an addict. I would chase people away. If someone told me that they loved me, I would break up with them. If they were sick enough to love someone like me, I wanted nothing to do with them. Now, I know that I am worth loving and I have something to offer a partner. No doubt, I am not who I was!

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

I have a lot of people in my past that I feel I owe apologies to that I will never see again. I have not forgotten them, nor how I have wronged them. I have instead thought that living my life well and trying to help other’s live their lives well is the best way that I can make amends. I also think that they may read my blogs or my upcoming book, or see me giving my testimony and see the changes that I have made. I do not regret what I have done, because it has made me who I am. That said, I have done things that were messed up and wrong. I just have realizes that I cannot beat myself up about the past. I cannot change the past, I can only make positive changes in today. Therefore, today is where I stay.

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

My favorite line of the song! Amazing grace is truly that, amazing. Grace is both unmerited favor and being given the ability to carry out the will of God. I realized that in my recovery and in my relationship with Christ, I found that I was undeserving of the grace that I received. I surely did not deserve favor from God. At the same time, I realized that I deemed others as unworthy of getting grace. I would look at many with animosity and would not forgive them when they wronged me.

As I grew, I found that if I were given favor by God and the ability to carry out His will, then surely that would mean I needed to forgive others and give others favor that were undeserving in my eyes. As I began to give other’s the grace that I was blessed to receive, I stopped seeing others as undeserving and gained an ability to see others for who they could be. That is what love is about, giving people the compassion, hope and faith they need. This allows them to become who they were meant to be, instead of remaining who they are. God blessed me, and to thank Him I should follow what He deems important. He said that love never fails! So I share my success with others and believe that they too can make positive changes.

This song has seen me go from addiction to working as a substance abuse counselor. I am currently writing a book called Spiritual Spackle, about how my life was as an agnostic struggling with addictions and mental illness and is now by the grace of God, as well as the concepts that got me sober. I am also currently creating a non-profit called Better Life in Recovery to take the message of recovery into Junior High, High School and colleges as well as churches, youth groups, small groups, seminars and conferences. I also speak about what God has done in my life any chance I get. I have spoken at recovery groups both secular and faith based, at churches, colleges and at conferences about how I am not who I was.

This song is also regularly shared with the clients that I work with when they are feeling defeated, hopeless and unable to change. I talk to them about the change being possible, but not if they do not realize that they are not the same person they were when they were in active addiction. I have found this song gets that message across to people better than simply telling them.

I met Brandon Heath at a concert in October of 2009. I did a meet and greet with him and the other entertainers that performed with him. I was excited to tell him the impact that his song had on me. I talked to him for maybe 2 minutes and told him where I was in my life while in addiction and that I was now sober and saved and his song was my anthem for recovery. He told me thanks, that it meant a lot as a song writer to hear that his songs were actually making a difference and having an impact. 

I would love to actually have the opportunity to talk to him for twenty minutes and give him my testimony. I would tell him about the things that have happened to me in my life, and where I am now. To share with him the impact that “I’m Now Who I Was” has had on me. To talk about the projects I am currently a part of. To let him know how his song has been the fuel that has helped me advance God’s Kingdom by sharing the amazing changes Christ can make in your life if you accept Him into your life. I’m not who I was, and the confidence to step into recovery was given to me by Brandon Heath’s song. This song was the catalyst that  let me know that I could change and I was no longer a failure, but could become an inspiration. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope.

Movie Review - Grace Card

I watched the movie Grace Card last night. It was a movie with a strong Christian theme, that of grace and forgiveness. My only problem with it was that it could have had better acting. That said, the story was great and the message was amazing.

The movie begins with Mac, who is washing his car and trying to encourage his son to ride his bike without training wheels while his wife and an infant look on. In an instant, he loses his son in a tragic accident as the result of an African-American drug dealer running from the police. Then we flash forward 18 years, and you see Mac as a police officer. He is a man who is haunted by his past. The loss of his son and blaming himself for it are displayed through anger, frustration and racism. His foundation has been shaken and his faith is lost.

He and his son do not get along. He and his wife are on the verge of a divorce. To top it all off, he gets assigned an African-American partner who just got promoted who has a happy family life and pastors his own church. It could not be any worse. His newly assigned partner, Sam, is able to pick up on Mac's animosity and prejudice. This in turn makes him question himself, especially after he gives a sermon about it that is not well received.

That is where I will stop telling about the movie so that I do not spoil it for you. What I will say is that grace plays a prominent part in the movie. I guess that the title gives that away! It is a story of how us giving to others the grace that was so undeservedly and graciously given to us allows us to engage in positive relationships with people that hate us and to overcome hate.

The story gets to the hardest part of our faith. We are told that we are to love our enemies. Matthew 5:43-48 states, 

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

We are also told that we are to forgive others. In Matthew Chapter 18, Jesus says that we are to forgive  not 7 times, but 7 x 70  times. That means that our forgiveness comes not from our limitations, but by grace. I am not able to forgive easily. When I was younger I would hold grudges to the point of not remembering why I did not like somebody. I just did not like them. I would tell people that, "If you hurt me, I could forgive but never forget. If you hurt one of my friends, I could forget but never forgive." I took pride in that statement! How sad is that. I walked around angry, hurt and bitter.

That is what not forgiving somebody does. It is said that holding a resentment is like drinking poison to kill somebody else. You only hurt yourself. As Christians we are asked to show others the unconditional grace that has been shown to us. Brandon Heath in his song "I'm Not Who I Was" says, "The thing I find most amazing, in amazing grace. Is the chance to give it out, maybe that's what love is all about." How true that is.

Giving other's grace is liberating! I am no longer trapped by rage. Resentments and grudges cause a lot of anxiety and a ton of energy. It is actually healthy for us physiologically and psychologically to forgive others. It is also Biblically mandated, and the hardest part of our commission to fulfill.

Do you remember the 5 Amish girls who were shot dead in Pennsylvania in 2006? The day after the shooting the parents of the dead girls, in fact the whole Amish community that suffered the loss, came forward and embraced the family of the shooter. They told the family that they forgave him. Over half of those in attendance at the shooter's funeral were Amish. They gave a portion of the money that came from around the world to the widow and child of the shooter.

People thought that the Amish were insane at the time. They did not understand how anyone could forgive that kind of act. Do you want to know how they did it? It was simply good Christian behavior. The Amish have this "grace thing" right. It is sad that so many were surprised to see people forgiving like the Amish did in this situation. It shows that as Christians we have a long way to go to overcome the bad reputation that we have gotten. We need to take notes from both the Amish and this movie. We need to incorporate  grace into our daily lives.

Instead of being a Sunday Christian, we are to be Christians 24/7. One of my favorite things said in the movie was that Church is only the locker room. It is where we hear the pep talk. Monday - Saturday is game time. Most Christians have it backwards. Sunday is not the day to act as a Christian. It is the day to learn how to act the rest of the week. We want to rest on the laurels of faith, but that will never be enough.

I will end this blog with the words of James, as he reminds us that faith is not enough (even the demons have faith in who Christ is and that there is only one God) in James 2:17-24,

In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.” Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.

Songs of Recovery - I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

When I first began listening to worship music, I heard a song from the singer/song writer Brandon Heath that was entitled, “I’m Not Who I Was.” As soon as I heard it, I adopted it as my recovery anthem. It was also my mantra as a new Christian who was recently saved. I was able to totally relate to this song. If you have never heard it, you will soon see why this was my anthem. The song starts off:

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

I could only imagine the look on the faces of the people that I used to know if they were able to see me now that I have been transformed. Much like the ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan, I had a very ugly life style that has been changed into what I would consider a much better way to live. I am certain that most of society would agree with me that my life is lived better now.

If people from my past could see me now, the way that I talk and live my life would be all that was needed to show them how different I am now. Even people from 3 years ago acknowledge the differences that they see in me.

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

One of the major changes is my anger and my attitude. I used to be mad at you is an understatement. I used to be mad at everybody. They were either preaching at me, wanting me to change or in my paranoia I thought that they were trying to take advantage of me. I was not only angry, I was hurt. Now that I have gotten sober and saved, there have been fundamental changes that have occurred.

The reason there have been fundamental changes is that my viewpoint has changed. I realize that much of what I was angry and hurt by was often people who wanted better for me. It was not that they did not like who I was, they did not like the person I had become. Looking back, I cannot really blame them. I was not a good person, no matter how much I tried to act like. I did token good things with my money, but my heart and my conscience were anything but good. Sugar coating does not change what is beneath.

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I have forgiven people that I will probably never see again. They will probably never know that I was never really mad at them, unless they read this blog (If you are one of those people, leave a comment or drop me an email so that we can talk). It is not so much forgiving people as it is realizing that I was the one at fault.

I have ended friendships out of anger when I was really angry at myself, or I was tired of seeing disappointment in their eyes that might or might not have been imagined every time that they looked at me. I was mean and hateful because I was coming down, or I had just gotten out of jail, or just got screwed over by somebody else and took it out on them. There are so many reasons......................

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

I am prone to laughter when I see the 150 pound meth addict that I used to be. When I see my old pictures it is either laugh or cry. I was a cute kid, and my addiction aged me slightly but it changed me. I have best friends now see pictures of me from high school and they ask who the pictures are of. They are not being nice, I have changed!

I see the people who were my “friends” in my addiction and I know that they did not love me for who I was. My friends were my friends when I was an addict because of several reasons: I had money, I had drugs, I would give them drugs for free or cheap so they could get a hustle on, I gave them a place to sleep, I would buy them food and cigarettes, I would let them take advantage of me, I had a vehicle, they were scared of me/intimidated by me, they wanted to sleep with me or they wanted to sleep with my girlfriend. Never for who I was, but what was in it for them. Sad, sad, sad, but oh so true.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Even though we make changes in our lives, we still have things that have happened in the past and things that happen today that will hurt us and cause us pain. In my past, everything was someone else’s fault. I would feel pain and it would make me strike out at others. This changed in my recovery, as when old situations would arise (new ones too) I would look at the part that I played in them. This was progress. My old friend was blame. Not accepting responsibility kept me sick. If I did not do it, I could not change it. When I accept responsibility, I can then make positive changes!

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was the exact opposite of this. In my addiction I thought that I could sing. I found out in my sobriety that I could not. It was kind of embarrasing when I realized that I could not sing nearly as well as I thought that I could. I had always been encouraged to sing, but those people were as out of it and as fake as I was. I can carry a tune, but it is done with a voice that cracks at all the wrong places. Sobering reality!

The second part of this verse shows the difference in some of us in our addictions. I wanted no one around me when I was an addict. I would chase people away. If someone told me that they loved me, I would break up with them. If they were sick enough to love someone like me, I wanted nothing to do with them. Now, I know that I am worth loving and I have something to offer a partner. No doubt, I am not who I was!

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

I have a lot of people in my past that I feel I owe apologies to that I will never see again. I have not forgotten them, nor how I have wronged them. I have instead thought that living my life well and trying to help other’s live their lives well is the best way that I can make amends. I also think that they may read my blogs or my upcoming book, or see me giving my testimony and see the changes that I have made. I do not regret what I have done, because it has made me who I am. That said, I have done things that were messed up and wrong. I just have realizes that I cannot beat myself up about the past. I cannot change the past, I can only make positive changes in today. Therefore, today is where I stay.

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

My favorite line of the song! Amazing grace is truly that, amazing. I have written a blog already about the song Amazing Grace, which you can find here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/08/songs-of-recovery-amazing-grace-my.html Grace is both unmerited favor and being given the ability to carry out the will of God. As I continued on in my recovery and in my relationship with Christ, I found that I was undeserving of the grace that I received. I surely did not deserve favor from God. At the same time, I realized that I deemed others as unworthy of getting grace. I would look at many with animosity and would not forgive them when they wronged me.

As I grew, I found that if I were given favor by God and the ability to carry out His will, then surely that would mean I needed to forgive others and give others favor that were undeserving in my eyes. As I began to give other’s the grace that I was blessed to receive, I stopped seeing others as undeserving and gained an ability to see others for who they could be. That is what love is about, giving people the compassion, hope and faith they need. This allows them to become who they were meant to be, instead of remaining who they are. God blessed me, and to thank Him I should follow what He deems important. He said that love never fails! So I share my success with others and believe that they too can make positive changes.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

This is a great way to finish this blog. I do hope that this site with all it contains and my life itself allow people to see the changes that have been made thanks to the Holy Spirit working in and through me. I do not just talk about it, I am about it. If you want to see different, look at how I lived my life as recently as 3 years ago and how I live it today. Guarantee that you will see one thing: I’M NOT WHO I WAS!!!!!!!!!!!