What Is Recovery?

What is recovery?

That is a question that is open to interpretation and circumstance. Medically it mean being on the mend from surgery or an accident. A computer repairman would say it is getting back lost files on a computer. In this case, we are looking at addictive lifestyles. What is recovery from an addictive lifestyle look like?

To answer this, I decided to ask people who had lived addictive lifestyles to tell me what they considered to be part of their addictions. Here is the list they came up with: the use of drugs/alcohol/food/cutting to numb and escape past and present issues, Theft/stealing/shoplifting, Anger/Violence, Dishonesty, Casual Sex, Pornography, the inability to speak without using vulgarity, Greed/Love of Money, Egotism, Being inconsiderate to others due to focusing only on self/Selfishness, Lack of accountability, Only having Friends and hangouts that encouraged addictions, Focusing on the negative and Lack of Hope.

Today we will define recovery as the opposite of addiction. So in order to be in recovery, we need to get rid of the things in our lives that enabled and encouraged our addiction. Here is how we do those things:

1.       Face our current problems and work through our past issues either through counseling, step work and/or processing it out so we no longer have them as a reason to use.

2.       Stop taking things that are not yours. First we need to get and keep employment, then we can create a budget that we follow and save for the things we need.

3.       Realize that anger solves nothing and violence will only end up with us right back into trouble. An old saying says, “Never get into an argument with an idiot. It makes it hard for people to tell the difference between you.” That means that when we resort to anger we make ourselves look bad to those around us. Finally, violence only leads to more violence and violence never works out well. Ghandi said it best, “An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.”

4.       I lied so much that I began to believe my own lies. Lying was second nature in my addiction. In recovery, we have to be honest or we will never escape our addiction. Honesty allows me to hold myself accountable. We will look at the importance of that in #10 below.

5.       Research shows that promiscuity is an indicator of relapse. We really need to stay out of relationships for a while. We tend to focus on the other person when we get into new relationships, and we need to be focusing on ourselves. We also tend to find people who treat us as we feel about ourselves. Until we like ourselves we have no business in a relationship. Finally, a lot of the time we find our self-esteem based on our conquests. We need to find positive accomplishments to build our self-esteem and self-confidence.

6.       Pornography can lead to dehumanization, victimization and intense emotional reactions that can lead us to places we should not go.

7.       If using vulgarity was a major part of our addictive and criminal lifestyle, losing the negative language will help us separate further from our past lifestyles. It also makes us look like we have a larger vocabulary when we don’t have to resort to cuss words.

8.       Greed and money are a huge motivator for many a criminal. We need to remind ourselves of the difference between needs and wants and realize that we do not have to have wants in order to be happy. The happiest people are not those who have the most, but those who make the most of what they have.

9.       Egotism and selfishness go together. The world in not just about us, for we are merely 1 out of over 7 billion people. If the beginning of our step-work/sobriety is very selfish in nature, that is just to set us up for the 12^th step/rest of our lives. After all, recovery is very altruistic.

10.   In our addiction very little was our fault. We could justify everything we did by shifting blame. In our recovery we realize that the only way we can make changes is by realizing that we are responsible for our feelings, thoughts and actions. If it is someone else’s fault I can do nothing about that. I can only change that which I control. If I am not accountable for my actions they will never change!

11.   Change your playmates and play grounds. This is so important. If I live in the mud it is hard to stay clean. AA says “if you hang around the barbershop long enough you are going to get a hair cut” while my Big Book (the Bible) says, “You cannot put new wine in an old wine skin.” Our using and criminal friends may not mean us harm, but they make it difficult if not impossible to change.

12.   We need to shift focus, looking at the positives today can bring instead of the negatives in our past. One of my clients the other day said, “I like my new friends. They always talk about the present and the future. All of my old friends used to only talk about the past.” You cannot change yesterday, but you can sure change today. Focus on the present and you will build a successful future.

13.   I was stuck in my addiction because I had no hope for anything better. I began to find hope in speaker meetings and testimonies, hearing other people who had similar struggles share how they had found sobriety. That hope was increased 10 fold when I got saved and realized that this life is nothing but a short introduction to a book of happiness that will stretch forever.

So in closing, recovery is reversing all of the things that enabled and/or encouraged our past lifestyle. If we are to make positive changes in our lives that are permanent, we need to make holistic changes in our lives. There are 5 Pillars to doing this:

1.       Higher Power (God) – If our best thinking got us in trouble and we have not been able to change on our own; we need to find something greater than us that gives us hope, compassion, acceptance and love.

2.       Sponsor (Mentor) – Find someone whose life you want in 5 years, ask them how they got it and then work with them using a plan (see #3 below) to obtain it

3.       12 Steps (The Bible I recommend James) -  Find a plan that will get you where you want to be and put it into motion in your life

4.       Meetings (Small Groups) – Find a sense of community where people with similar goals that genuinely care about you(see #5 below) discuss how they are improving their lives and apply what you learn while sharing with them

5.       Accountability Partners – Find people that you are in contact with often who are living their lives well that can encourage and help you live your life well

Cross Addiction or I Didn't Cheat.........We Only Made Out

So as I talked to clients about cross addiction last week and some things occurred to me. Cross addiction is pretty sneaky, as is our addiction.......period. It is why we say addiction is cunning, baffling and strong. My addiction is in the back of my head: running on a treadmill, lifting weights and doing research on the computer trying to figure out how to get back back into the front of my head where it was before.

My addiction does not like to be an occasional desire I struggle with. My addiction was much happier when it was a compulsion and I always gave in. It liked to be an obsession that I constantly battled. Now that it is not in the forefront but on the back burner it constantly looks for ways to get me to crack the door. If I open the door just a smidgen, then my addiction can kick it off the hinges and invade my life again. It is not content to be a passing whimsy I have on rare occasions, it wants total control. It wants to be the only god that I worship.

There are many ways that my addiction hits me head on. I may walk by a car at Wal-Mart and see someone snorting a line. I may see someone shooting up in the car next to me at a red light, like one of my friends did last weekend. It may even use a movie where it shows me how much fun drugs are, or music that glorifies partying and drug dealing. Next it uses a television show that tries to depict how evil drugs are by showing how they have negatively impacted someones life. To get the point across, it shows them shooting up. FYI, seeing the register is the biggest trigger I know. Stop showing it!!

Those are all very in your face triggers. That is the strong side of our addiction. That is why my addiction is on the treadmill and lifts weights. But my addiction has another side. It is the cunning side, the one that sneaks up on me like a ninja then whacks me with one of his weapons. One of the main weapons in the addiction arsenal is cross addiction. So what is cross addiction?

Cross addiction is simply us finding a replacement for something we were once addicted to. Say we quit using drugs, bet we begin binge eating. Maybe we used to be an alcoholic and we have stopped drinking, but started smoking marijuana. Our addictions range from drugs to alcohol to food to sex to shopping to shoplifting to chaos and everything in between. When I quit doing drugs, I began drinking. If you fast forward to several years down the road, I would wake up with the shakes at 5 in the morning and have to drink to get the shakes to stop so I could go back to bed. But I could justify it.

You know, alcohol is legal so I am not doing anything wrong. In fact, I can control my drinking sometimes. I could never control my drugs. That was how it started. Alcohol lulled me to sleep. It snuck up on me, then clobbered me on the head. It allowed me to put myself in a very uncomfortable situation, then it took advantage of me.

Here I am in a relationship with sobriety. I was not in recovery yet, but I was sober. I cheated on my sobriety with alcohol, but I could justify it. Imagine you are in a relationship. You go out with another person, but you justify it to your partner. "Are you seriously jealous? All we did was held hands and talked. Okay, me might have kissed a couple of times. What's the big deal? All we did was make out. It's not like we had sex!"

That is what I did when I started drinking. I did not see it as a problem at first. It was harmless. We just sat on the couch and talked. But over time, the relationship deepened and I needed to take it further and further. It advanced from talking, to hugging, to kissing to sex. I need to remember that if I am truly in a relationship, cheating is cheating. It does not matter if it is a kiss or sex, one is as bad as the other. Same is true with sobriety.

A relapse is a relapse, whether it is your drug of choice or not. That is like justifying cheating by saying, "We might have slept together, but I don't even like her." So you risked losing your recovery for something you didn't even like? That is the least thought out reason I have ever heard of. Instead of finding ways to cheat, say no. IF YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT, YOU PROBABLY DON'T NEED IT. Cheating is cheating. I would not accept it from my wife, and I will not accept it for my recovery. Neither should you!