What is Your Mission

Everyone knows the great philosophical question, "Why are we here?" That is not what we are talking about today. Instead, the question becomes, "Why am I here?" This question brings up more questions: Is there a point to this thing I call life? Do I have a purpose? How do I want to be remembered? What is my life's mission?

As we address this the word mission is synonymous with the words calling, goal or aim. So, what is your calling in life, what goals do you want to accomplish and what direction in life are you aiming to go?

Today, I challenge you to ask yourself a question and let that answer lead you on a journey the rest of your life. How do I want to be remembered? When people think about me, how do I want them to think of me? This is where some people say they don't care what other people think about them. I hope that selfishness and narcissism are not part of your character and you don't feel that way. 

How do you want to be remembered? All of us have legacies that will be here after we turn to dust. It could be children, siblings, nieces/nephews, god children, best friends, friend's kids,people we mentor/sponsor, businesses, organizations or even written/video records (newspaper articles, Facebook pages, blogs, books, etc).

Whether we like it or not, we all leave a footprint in this world. We all have an impact on people in our lives and often an impact on people we may never meet. Contrary to how I once felt, what I do matters. What each and everyone of you does matters, to someone or something. Every action has consequences.

I don't care who you are or what you believe in, if you are living your life to make yourself and the people around you better, you are doing something right. If you aren't living your life that way, you are doing something wrong. That said, what do you want to accomplish with your life and can people tell your mission by the way you are living your life? If not, how can I change that? Apply a basic psychological theory from the cognitive behavioral school.

Here is where rational living theory comes into play. It is a theory by Aldo Pucci that says you need to do two things than ask yourself 3 questions before you do things.

·         Step 1 - First, put together a list of your goals.

·         Step 2 - Compile a list of feelings you desire.

·         Know come the three Questions:

·         Question 1 - Is what I am thinking of doing rational?

·         Question 2 - Will doing this being me closer to accomplishing my goals?

·         Question 3 - Will doing this elicit the feelings I want to have?

If you can answer yes to these 3 questions, than it becomes something you can do.

I had a way of doing that before I heard of Mr. Pucci. When I got clean and sober, I struggled with something Mark Lundholm calls first thought wrong. In my case, it was more like first 5 thoughts wrong. I needed some way to focus on doing the right thing, and it was hard because I had spent the last 2 plus decades doing the wrong thing. This was a theory I came up with. I call it the 3 questions that changed my life. If you do not believe in God, than ask yourself the 2nd and 3rd questions only.

This is really simple, anytime you do anything, ask yourself these 3 questions before you do it.

·         Question 1 - If God were standing right next to me, would I do this?

·         Question 2 - If the person I love the most (son/daughter, little brother/sister, niece/nephew, mom/dad, partner) was standing right here next to me, would I do this?

·         Question 3 -  Is this something I would want the person I love the most to do?

If you cannot say yes to all three of those questions, don’t do it. It really is that simple. The person I used for the one I loved the most was my son.  I realized that as much as he loved me and looked up to me he would repeat the things he saw me do. This really helped me make decisions better which in turn helped me make huge strides in accomplishing my life's goals.

Why is what we do so important in accomplishing your life's mission? Because how we act and the things we do speak much louder than what we actually tell people we want to do and how we want to be seen. Imagine I want people to know there is a better life in recovery. I want the community around me know that people in recovery are no longer the people they once were!

What I do, how I act and what I say impact all of that in huge ways. I am always on stage, because I am proud of my recovery and I speak out about recovery, addiction and stigma issues all of the time in the communities around me. Because of that people watch what I do and listen to what I say. They do the same with you, whether you know it or not. What you say and do matters, whether you care or not.

The biggest roadblock standing in the way of reducing the stigma that surrounds addiction, mental health and recovery are the people in recovery. It is not the community! I have found a lot of people who have been very receptive to seeing the positive change that comes with recovery and seeing me for the person I am today even though they know the person I once was.

In order to accomplish a mission, you never waver. You never take your eye off of the prize. If you slip, you get right back up and continue forward while learning from the slip to avoid it in the future. Never back down, never surrender, and never settle. I know you might want to be good, but never forget that you can be great! You can accomplish anything you set your mind to!

Letting Go and Letting God Can Be Tough

There are not a lot of things out there that really worry me anymore. I have found that as my sobriety and spiritual walk have coalesced into recovery I have gotten really good at letting go and letting God. There are some times that I don’t have enough hours in the day and things get placed on the backburner, but I have come to accept these as part of a normal life. I have a relatively stress-free life when you look at everything I do.

Today, I am not feeling that stress-free. In fact, for the last couple of days I have been feeling large amounts of stress. It has to do with a lot of things out of my control and others that are in my control but that could be impacted by things out of my control. There are multiple issues I have coming at me currently.

First thing is the thing fully out of my control. I just got off of vacation and spent a couple of my days off in the hospital. I am seeing a surgeon on Friday to schedule gallbladder surgery. Due to a previous surgery for a hernia, it is possible I could have scar tissue built up that could make it impossible for them to do laparoscopic surgery. IF they can do laparoscopic I might only be out for a few days. If there is scar tissue I could be out for 4-6 weeks. That is a difficult one for me to swallow for multiple reasons.

I am busy. I know that a lot of people are busy, but I have a full plate. I have two children to raise and a family I need to give the personal time they deserve, building both my recovery and my relationship with Christ, a full time job, starting a non-profit, leading up 3 large community events that I am grateful to have teams helping me with, a weekly blog, a monthly community service project, a conference presentation next month, leading a step study, being the assimilation coach at Glendale’s Celebrate Recovery coupled with public speaking, teaching at CR meetings and sitting on two boards plus needing to finish writing my book. I am busy.  

This surgery has me realizing that I am human and once I have the surgery my juggling act is out of commission for a little bit. I cannot always keep umpteen balls in the air at all times without having some of them fall. That is reality for most people. In my world, that reality is unacceptable. I cannot let people down or fulfill my roles. That was the guy I was in addiction and I cannot ever be that guy again. That is the hard part for me to let go of.

No matter how far I am from the guy I used to be, I find that I still judge myself and the people’s perception of me based on who I was years ago in my addiction. I am so afraid that I will let people down and they will see me as a fake. I know that I am not fake. I know that I am not the person I used to be. I realize who I am today and that this is the person most people see when they look at me, but there are times that my depression and anxiety get the best of me and the last two days have been that way.

I realize the insanity of this thinking, but at times it is pervasive and convincing. This past week, as I realized that I may be out for 4-6 weeks due to the surgery if the scar tissue exists really hit me. If I am out that long, I have some major issues coming up:

1.       I am out of work for a month without that much PTO and my bills will still be due.

2.       I love going to White Water and Silver Dollar City with my family every week and that will not happen for a while.

3.       I have a planning meeting that I may not be able to lead.

4.       I have a training I may not be able to go to.

5.       I may miss CR for a couple of weeks and not be able to volunteer like I normally do for a while there or in the community.

6.       I still need several large sponsors and donors for the events.

7.       I need to get people registered and tickets sold for the events and it is getting down to the wire.

I need to, I have to, I must……………………………………..

Stop!

Breathe!

Think!

Will it be 2 days or 4 weeks, who knows? The surgeon will probably not know until the day of surgery. Have bills always gotten paid somehow? Of course they have, and they will this time too. I will still have time with my family. It might not be the most fun time we have shared together, but we will still be together and that is more than a lot of families have. I have people who can step up and fill in for me at work, with the non-profit planning committee and at CR.

Sponsors, donors, registration and tickets? I give that one to God and I pray that the teams who are working on the events continue to do the amazing jobs that they have been doing and everything will work out fine!

I need to slow my roll and remember all I have to be grateful for. I have an amazing wife, 2 great kids, a job that treats me like family and some really good people in my life. I am blessed and there is no surgery that will change all that I have in my life. I know this, but sometimes I have to remind myself about it.

In recovery and my faith I have made monumental changes and the person I am today is the person people see when they look at me. The problem is not the way people see me, but instead the way I am afraid that people see me. I judge myself harshly, not every one else. At times that is the hardest thing to remember. When I remember all of this I can let go and let God do what He does best, which is continue making me a better person!   

I Am Not Cured!

I try to stay out of most discussions that I see. I know that I can come across a little strong for some people’s tastes, and I am trying to build bridges between recovery and the community, not burn them. Occasionally, I hear something that I cannot help but address because there is a lack of knowledge in the statement and my desire is that all people have knowledge about addiction and recovery so that they can stop spreading misinformation, half-truths and faulty information. What someone had said was, “Addiction is not a disability because it can be cured. You can’t cure a disability.”

I wanted to scream, “YOU CANNOT CURE ADDICTION!!!” but I controlled the urge. Instead, I carefully thought out my reply. As someone in long-term recovery, I feel that it is my job to educate people and that generally needs to be done with carefully worded sentences. Too little and the point is not made, too much and you become offensive and the point is not heard. I had several questions pop into my head at once:

Can addiction be cured?

What does cured mean?

Am I cured?

Being cured to me means that I can use again. I know for a fact that I cannot use again. I have proven that to myself several times. I have quit using, and then relapsed. Each time that I relapsed, I thought that I could control my use. I was wrong, I lost control. I have discovered I was not and never will be cured. I can, however, control my addiction by not using. I don’t pick up. It is that easy. Okay, maybe not easy at times, but it is doable if you have the right supports.

So, how was I going to explain this without being abrasive and still get my point across? Then it hit me. I thought about one of my friends who is allergic to shellfish. By not eating shellfish, he was able to avoid the allergic reaction and not go into anaphylactic shock. As I thought about him, I realized I was ready to make my point and educate someone a little better about addiction and recovery.

“As someone in long-term recovery from addiction, I guarantee you that I am not cured. As someone who has worked with hundreds and encountered thousands of people struggling with addictions and in recovery I have yet to meet someone that was an addict or alcoholic that was cured of their addiction. I have over 5 years of recovery, but that is because I have not picked up and used. If I were to pick up and use again I would find out that I am still an addict. I am cured the same way someone who is allergic to shellfish is cured. They don’t eat shellfish; therefore they do not have allergic reactions. Just because they have not had that allergic reaction for 5, 10 or even 25 years does not mean that they can now eat shellfish. They will have that problem for life. The same is true for addiction. I cannot nor will I ever use again, because my addiction is controlled by not using but it is in no way cured!”

That was the conversation. It was understood and received well. I made my point and was civil in doing it. I helped educate a “normie” about addiction and recovery in a way that I never could have before. In my addiction, I would have yelled or bullied him into my way of thinking. Imagine a firehouse aimed at a tea cup, that was my way of dealing with problems in the past. Blast anything hard enough, and  the problem disappears. That is what recovery has done for me. I don’t have to yell or cuss to get my point across. Instead, I can use reason, logic and knowledge. It alienates less people and helps decimate some of the stigma surrounding addiction; that we are unable to change.

Never being cured is the conversation we need to have with each other because it is the truth. Thinking otherwise has killed handfuls of my friends and clients. We are not cured, instead our disease is controlled. It is the same with diabetes or food allergies. They can be controlled so that an amazingly productive life can be lived. Thinking of myself as cured could end the productive and joyous life I have built. I am better, but that does not mean that the devil I call addiction is not still in the back of my head. He is lifting weights, running on a treadmill and doing research on a computer getting stronger and smarter. To keep the life I have worked so hard to build, there are steps I must take.

I highly recommend the 5 Pillars of Recovery. With the help of the 5 Pillars, I have been clean and sober for over 5 years when in the past the longest I had stayed sober was for 3 months and 2 of that was residential treatment. The pillars are of upmost importance and here they are:

1. Higher Power- Mine is Jesus Christ. It must be something you can get forgiveness, validation, love and hope from.

2. Sponsor/Mentor - Find someone whose life you want and let them show you how they got it. This is your coach.

3. AccountabilityPartners- Think teammates who share the same goal you do, living an amazing life unencumbered by their hurts, habits and hang ups.

4. 12 Steps/The Bible- This is the game plan your sponsor will teach you so that you can live life to the fullest.

5. Meetings (Celebrate Recovery, AA, BA, Small Groups)- This is the locker room that prepares you for the game we call life.

There are other needs, such as prayer, meditation, community service and changing playgrounds and playmates. Apply the 5 Pillars and liberally apply them in your life and I GUARANTEE you can and will step into recovery!

 

P.S.- For those who are wondering, addiction is a disability. According to the American’s With Disabilities Act (ADA), “individuals who are addicted to drugs, have a history of addiction, or who are regarded as being addicted have an impairment under the law. In order for an individual's drug addiction to be considered a disability under the ADA, it would have to pose a substantial limitation on one or more major life activities.” So according to the government, addiction can be considered a disability. Recovery is a strength that only those who have struggled with disabilities have! 

Good Enough Ain't Good Enough Anymore

In my addiction, I usually did the wrong thing. On occasion, I would do the right thing. Sometimes it was because I still had some principals, other times it was so that I could bring it up later to explain why I was not as bad as other people. Quite a lot of the time, it was by blind luck. Even a broken watch is right twice a day (unless it’s digital, in which case it is never right because you can’t see it or if it displays military time in which case it would be right once a day). Needless to say, the life that I was living in my addiction was good enough. What I was doing I felt was good enough to keep doing until it wasn’t, which took about 17 years. Then another 7.

I decided to get sober. Not really for me, but because I got caught by my probation officer and she sent me to rehab instead of back to prison. I was not doing it for me, I did it to stay out of prison which I had not enjoyed enough to want to go back on a 10 year backup. Also, I did it to show other people that I was not who they thought I was. I thought my reasoning was good enough, but my sobriety only lasted a couple of months before I relapsed.

When I tried to get sober a year later, I never really pushed myself. Instead, I would just do enough to get by. At faking it, I was awesome. I overachieved at the goals others set for me but never really had any goals for myself. Even when I did the 90 meetings in 90 days that was more like 150 meetings in 90 days, I never really listened while I was there. I was too busy telling people all that I knew about sobriety, which at 2 months sober could have fit inside of a thimble. I would also join in on the war stories, which a lot of other people there liked to listen to. But I thought that what I was doing was good enough, until it no longer helped.

I had a counselor who told me not to do drugs and that alcohol was a drug, so I followed in his footsteps and was sober. I actually looked up to him and respected him. Then one day he came into the restaurant I worked at and sat at the bar. While he was at the bar he had several alcoholic drinks. He obviously thought that no one could see him, or that he didn’t have a drinking problem. I am not sure which it was because I never saw him again. For him, what he was doing was good enough. I went out that night and got drunk. If he could do it so could I. Was he the reason I drank? No, but he was the reason I used. It was good enough.

Then I quit drugs which were illegal and became an alcoholic because alcohol was legal. I could rationalize my drinking all day long. Even though I would black out most every night I still worked and went to college. I even graduated honors. I was an alcoholic that drank and drove multiple times EVERY NIGHT. I would wake up with no idea how I got home. I would wake up with shakes and drink to make them go away. Was I happy? No, I was miserable but I was good enough.

Then I decided I wanted more. I wanted more for my life, my son’s life, my relationships, my employment, my day to day life. I was no longer happy with what I had. It was not enough. Good was not enough. I wanted to attain greatness. I went full bore in everything that I did. I decided to never settle for anything less than amazing for myself, my faith, my recovery, my wife and my children. Good was simply not good enough anymore. I wanted great!

I found that if I wanted to change, there were things I had to realize if I wanted to live a better life:

1.       Complacency kills I wanted to be great, and in order to do that I had to never ever settle. If I meet my goals, I create new ones. I was not born to do good things; I was born to achieve greatness!

2.       Keep moving If you are not moving forward, you are moving backward. Life is a journey not a destination.

3.       Educate Yourself Learn, learn and then learn some more. Read, have discourse with intelligent and/or wise people. To die ignorant is the greatest sin we can commit against ourselves.

4.       Ask Questions That is the only way you can find out some things, so don’t be afraid to ask. The only stupid question is the one that isn’t asked.

5.       Be Altruistic It really is better to give than to receive. Do for others, then do some more. There is nothing that makes me feel better than knowing I am necessary.

6.       Speak Loud When it comes to your testimony, shout it from the rooftops. After all, you are the expert at your life and there is a lot of hope and strength that people can get from it.

7.       Shame Sucks Never be ashamed of who you are and what you have done. After all, they made you the person you are today and that person is awesome!

8.       Be Proud of Your SuccessesDefeats build us and our victories define us. Take pride in what you have accomplished. Toot your own horn, because other people might not. People need to hear about both your wins and your losses to know who you are and what you are about. Take pride in the positive things you do.

9.       Be Grateful Learning the difference between wants and needs was vital to my finding happiness and a better life. There are things that I want and things that I need. If I focus on my wants I lose my ability to focus on that which is important. Start your day with a gratitude list and focus on what you have instead of what you don’t. It makes my mornings start off well, which bleeds into the rest of my days.

10.   Never Surrender I was beaten so many times before I even tried because I listened to the voice that told me I could not do it. I stopped listening to that voice and accepted I had no limitations as long as I was not dead. That is when the game is over. If you are still breathing, than victory can still be yours!

11.   Get the 5 Pillars The 5 Pillars are: A team to play for (Jesus), a coach (sponsor/mentor), teammates (accountability partners), a game plan (The Bible [for Cliff Notes use the book of James]/12 Steps) and practice (small groups, church, support meetings).

12.   Put God First My life is no longer about me. I put God first and every thing else comes second. If I put God first it makes all other areas of my life better. I become a better husband, father, friend, employee, etc. It all starts with God and trickles down from there. After all, I was an addict for decades and tried every way you can imagine to quit using and failed. An atheist said a fox hole prayer 5 years ago and I have not used since. And I am WAAAYYYYYY happier!

Better Life in Recovery Rocking in June

This past Saturday BLiR (Better Life in Recovery, Inc.) was scheduled to bring in a group of people and paint the Sunshine Elementary playground. There were soccer goals, basketball goals, swings, slides, monkey bars and a few pieces of playground equipment I could not identify. We came, we saw, we conquered………or painted, whatever. We conquered at painting!!

BLiR is an organization with a mission oftransforming lives by sharing recovery. We do this by dealing hope and decimating the stigma that people face everyday who struggle with addictions and mental health issues through community education and community awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. Part of that education piece is engaging in community service events that show one thing, “In recovery, you are a resource.”

BLiR partners with local businesses, organizations, groups and individuals to insure each event is not only successful but fun. This Saturday, we had people come out and help from Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, Higher Ground, New Beginnings Sanctuary, the Peer Recovery Network, Glendale Christian Church’s Celebrate Recovery, Church at the Center, Jericho Commission and Narcotic’s Anonymous.

All told we had a couple dozen people come out and help us get the painting done. Church at the Center actually supplied and prepared the food and McDonalds supplied the beverages for all who came out. We also got media coverage from:

 KTTS reporter Austin Roberston athttp://www.jrn.com/ktts/news/Playground-Cleanup-Helps-Recovery-Group-Give-Back-To-Springfield-Community-263167471.html

KY3 reporter Jehan Sheikh’s write up athttp://www.ky3.com/news/local/recovering-addicts-give-back-to-springfield-school-district/21048998_26497006

KY3 reporter Jehan Sheikh’s news clip athttp://www.ky3.com/news/local/Recovering-Addicts-help-Springfield-School-District/21048998_26497182

So we have now done 2 community service events, and we have been covered twice by KY3 and KTTS and once by KOLR 10 and KMSU. Great media coverage is getting the message of recovering people giving back out to our communities! Here is a Facebook comment from the KY3 write up someone left, “Now this is a great story! For those who step out to talk about addiction and then do something positive for the community, thanks! Good call KY3! Thanks for showcasing the positive.”

How amazing is that comment?  

The more we do in the community, the more frequent the positive feedback from our community will become. It will be slow at first, but the more we accomplish the greater our momentum will become. We are fighting an uphill battle, but by now we should be used to it. I doubt we would want it any other way!

Streamlining!

I had an opportunity to meet with one of my mentors. As always, it was a great experience and I left with a lot more information in my head than I came in with.  I was given some really important feedback for some of the issues I needed advice on. I also was given a nugget that I have really thought on since Friday. It was something that I needed to hear, and that will actually allow me to free up some time from an extremely busy schedule.

I don’t have to change the entire world.

I do want to create change in the entire world, but I don’t have to change everything that I dislike or disagree with in order to do that. I have learned a magic word this year, delegate. It has allowed me to get out and work on getting bigger and better things accomplished. I will touch on it more later. For now, just know that delegation is great but not if you still try to overwhelm yourself.  

I have written blogs about everything from the secularization of the church to the pro-life/pro-choice debate to why Michael Jordan is better than both Kobe and LeBron (read it, because I am absolutely right and the statistics back me up). I have tried to take on too many current issues, and because of that what I have been called to do is not being done effectively. That is what I was reminded of. I am here to build bridges, not destroy them.

I know what my purpose is. I was created from the ground up to do it. I am driven to deal hope and decimate stigma that exists towards and within those who struggle with addictions and mental health issues. Others have different callings. Although they may have very strong opinions about addiction, recovery, depression, anxiety, etc they would not be nearly as effective at is as I am. The same goes for other aspects that I feel strongly about. I am not nearly as effective and eloquent as they would be. Why should I be? It is not my gig.

I need to stick to what I am best at, which is addiction and recovery. I need to dedicate my time to working on what God put me here to do, and I have not been focusing on that like I should be. I have been 100 pages into my book for over 2 years and have not gotten any further. Just this year I have really gotten traction with events. The reason it has taken this long is because I have strayed from my focus.

I am in recovery thanks to Christ!

Period!

End of discussion!

Why would I waste time talking about anything else, when there are so many who are struggling with addiction currently? When there are so many who are taking their own lives because they are hopeless and can’t find a way out of their current ruts, why would I tackle something I am not an expert on? I am an expert on recovery. I am an expert on what the power of the Holy Spirit can do in the life of someone who has reached the end of their rope.

I am an expert!

God and I wrote this story together, not to be squirreled away where no one can hear about it, but to be shouted from the rooftops. When I put my passion somewhere else part of my message is lost. If I burn a bridge, it will not take too long before I am completely encapsulated. I will be blocked from reaching the people I need to because I have used my expertise in arenas that I don’t have the needed education and the drive to change and it comes off as unprofessional and unnecessary. This is what I was reminded of when I met with my mentor.

I have a calling!

I am necessary!

I am needed to make a difference in the world of recovery. I am still alive after dying more times than I can count on one hand because God needed me to do His work. He has given me a message of hope to share. I am grateful to still be here, and the grace that has saved me and the Holy Spirit that has changed me is there for the asking. If my voice is not loud and constant, how will people know to ask?  

So if you or someone you love needs help, ask! I am here to help. I am here to share recovery! If you have an outlet I can do this at: conferences, churches, Celebrate Recovery groups, colleges, schools, communities, rehabs, etc. let me know. I love to share about the power of recovery!

People have even told me I am good at it.

No really, I have references!

Why We Relapse/How We Recover

I was an addict for a long time. I was an addict for a quarter of a century. People would ask me why I would continue to use, after all that I had been through. I have overdosed several times, gotten my stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning, died after running my car off of a cliff while intoxicated, gone to jail countless times as well as prison.

People who had never struggled with an addiction did not understand why I continued to use. Why I would swear to stop and then be using a couple of days later. Why I attempted to commit suicide, slashing my wrists and being found unconscious in a pool of blood, because I saw no end to my addiction. Why I could go through residential and outpatient treatment and immediately relapse.

The main reason because as much as I started using to feel awesome, in the end my life was anything but. People who don’t know addiction believe a fallacy. They think that addicts use because it makes them feel good, awesome, amazing!! The truth was I never felt amazing anymore. By the time you are an addict or alcoholic, you always feel bad. Using just helped me feel less bad. I did not want to feel miserable and stay in bed all day. I wanted to get out of bed and do things: make money, sleep around, get into fights, feel powerful, etc. Now I know why.

My addiction had depleted the levels of several neurotransmitters that are responsible for feelings of happiness and joy. The only way I could get those levels up was to use. They would skyrocket, then they would drop back down to subnormal levels and the only way to not feel chronic depression was to use again.  I could sometimes get the neurotransmitters released by engaging in other activities as well, such as having sex, fighting, hustling so I would do those things also.

The truth was I was miserable even when I was using. I often felt all alone and I would use that as an excuse to use. I might be at a party with 50 people, but I felt completely and utterly alone. Maybe it was due to my past abuse coupled with the low self-esteem and self-confidence that I could only raise through chemical enhancement. Nothing I tried ever got me over that.

Yet I am over it, you are thinking if you either know me or follow my writings. I am over that because I discovered 5 Pillars of Recover and a secret ingredient that makes recovery all the better.

1.       Higher Power – I found Jesus. Not that He was lost, but I actually became receptive to giving God a chance after being an atheist for over 25 years. Funny thing, He worked where everything else failed. Bottom line, find something greater than you that can grant you forgiveness and hope.

2.       Sponsor or Mentor – Find someone living their life the way you would like live yours, someone whose life you would want to have in 5 years. Ask them if they will help guide you to attaining what they have, then shut up and listen!

3.       12 Steps or the Bible – Find a game plan that will help you live our life the way you want it to be and then do it. The steps and the Bible only work if you apply them to your life. I work the 12 Steps like everyone else I know in programs, but my Big Book is a little different. Combining the Bible and the 12 Steps has helped me get to where I am today. And my life keeps getting better!

4.       Accountability Partners – Find people who will help you stay on track. That means positive people who will encourage you to do better, praise you when you do well and call you out quick when you are slipping.

5.       Meetings – I don’t care if you go to AA (Alcoholic’s Anonymous), NA (Narcotic’s Anonymous), Al-Anon or CR (Celebrate Recovery) as long as you go consistently. These are groups where you will be surrounded by people who desire the same thing you do. There will be positive and negative people at these meetings. I encourage you to choose the positive ones. Volunteer to do things at these meetings. Making yourself necessary to them will insure that you continue attending them.

Bonus - Community Service – You might be able to be sober and in recovery without this, but I doubt it. Community service connects you back to the community which in turn helps you accomplish multiple things. It helps you regain the sense of belonging you may have lost to those around you while reducing the stigma you and others may view your recovery with.

I hope that this helped those of you who may be struggling to understand relapses and why they happen. For those of you either in addiction or recovery, I hope that the 5 Pillars will allow you to build a solid foundation for you to build a better life upon.

BLiR - Community Service

This was a great weekend for Better Life in Recovery (BLiR). BliR is an organization whose purpose is to deal hope and decimate stigma surrounding addictions and mental health issues that men, women and children face everyday through community service, community education and public awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. In short, our mission statement is, “Dealing Hope Decimating Stigma.”

To start changing public perception and reducing stigma we are partnering with people and organizations in our community. For the first community service event we partnered up with Springfield Public Schools. We had a group of about 25 people show up from various organizations to paint Cowden Elementary Schools playground. We also picked up trash from around the school and took rocks out of the soccer field. 

McDonalds supplied us with three 5 gallon coolers of Hi-C and Papa Johns gave us an amazing deal on pizzas. We had volunteers from Higher Ground, Carol Jones Recovery Center, Alternative Opportunities Treatment Services, Hands Extended Outreach, Church at the Center and the Celebrate Recovery group from Glendale Christian Church. 

We had an amazing group that worked hard the entire day, but still made time to laugh and have some fun. We worked so hard that we actually got done 2 hours sooner than expected and we did the job right. We did not just paint over the old loose paint. We scraped, sanded, primed and then painted the play ground as well as picked up trash and rocks from the fields. Our first project was such a success that they have asked us to do another school, which we will be doing. Our next school is the Sunshine Elementary School on June the 14th beginning at 8 AM.

We had several media outlets provide coverage.  We were on the KTTS and KSMU page and had on air interviews. We were also on the 10 PM news on KY3 Saturday but they did not put it on their site and we will have coverage tonight on KOLR10 6 and 10 PMnews tonight.

KOLR 10 http://www.ozarksfirst.com/story/d/story/students-get-spruced-up-playground-thanks-to-non-p/56340/x6PaBE7nZUGaV8Ks0wp1pQ 

KTTS -http://www.jrn.com/ktts/news/Recovery-Group-Spruces-Up-Springfield-School-Playground-257819581.html

KSMU - http://ksmu.org/article/local-organization-works-clear-stigma-addiction-recovery-83124

Don’t forget, IN RECOVERY YOU ARE THE RESOURCE!!  WE have upcoming events including Recovery Day at Hammond’s Field and the 5K/10K Recovery Run coming up. If this is something you would like to get involved in or donate money to please contact me either through here or through the website at www.betterlifeinrecovery.comTogether we will make a difference!

You Can't Unpickle a Pickle

Sitting in the rooms I once heard a man say that you can’t turn a pickle back into a cucumber. He was saying that as a reply to another person who had asked if they would ever be normal again. That is what was said, and the subject was dropped at that. Basically, the answer was, “NO!!! You will never be normal again!” The guy did not seem very happy with that answer. I guess that he wanted to be normal again. He wanted to become a cucumber again. I felt sorry for him, so I had to reply. This is probably not word for word what I said, but it is as near as I can remember:

There are “normies” and then there are the rest of us. I am blessed and optimistic because I am part of the rest of us. Take a normie and the comparison used. A normal person is a cucumber. They have not had a lot of turmoil in their lives, not many tragedies and their struggles are minimal. Due to that untested nature of existence they have been able to remain a cucumber. That is fine for them. I personally like cucumbers. They taste good in my salad. That said, I could never enjoy them by themselves because they are just too plain and ordinary. They lack flavor.

Then there are the rest of us, the pickles. We started out as cucumbers, just like the normies. Unlike the normies, we have gone through a process that has changed us. We have felt the fires of life and had things thrown into the mix that have seasoned us. Through that process we have gained strength, experience and wisdom that normal people just don’t have. We have attaining a better existence due to a process many people will never know.

It is hard to appreciate what you have unless you have had nothing. That could be financially, spiritually, hopelessness, etc. If you go from having nothing to have something, it is amazing. Saturday I went on a 25 mile bicycle ride and about 15 miles into it I ran out of water. When I finally got a drink 10 miles later it was some of the best tasting water EVER because I had gone without. When I lived a hopeless life,  mired in addiction worshipping drugs/power/sex as an atheist then turned my life over to Christ I gained a relationship with God that was unlike anything I had ever felt. I crave that relationship because I know how miserable my life was without it.

You never know how strong you are unless you go through difficult things. Much like the cucumber, it will not change unless it is goes through the fire. Once it goes through the fire it becomes pliable and able to soak up the spices to make it what I consider to be a much better product in the end. The same goes for the hurts, habits and hang ups we struggle with.

I am a hope dealer. I am really good at what I do. I live my life for God with a focus on my family first and second dealing hope and decimating stigma that surrounds addiction and mental health that men, women and children struggle with every day. I am good at what I do because I was once a cucumber until the fires of life transformed me. Because of that transformation I can give hope to others that are hopeless. All because I am a pickle. A cucumber cannot do what I do.

You cannot help someone work through their struggles unless you too have struggled. You may not have had the same struggles, but you have to have overcome struggles. Addiction to food, alcohol, drugs, sex, codependency, pornography, power, anger, shopping, money, trauma, grief and loss, etc at their root are all very similar. I just want to know that you too have struggled.  That you are a pickle just like me. We have some common ground. So remember, the next time you get told you are a pickle and could never be turned back into a cucumber, be grateful. After all, what pickle in their right mind would ever want to be turned back into a plain, flavorless cucumber? I know I wouldn’t!

Better Life in Recovery: Dealing Hope and Decimating Stigma

 Better Life in Recovery, Inc. (BLiR) is an organization whose purpose is to deal hope and decimate stigma surrounding addictions and mental health diagnosis that men, women and children face every day through education and awareness events that celebrate people who are in long-term recovery. In the past, we have put on several events for youth in area communities to educate them on the dangers of addiction and the power of recovery. We are currently filming a documentary to take into schools and colleges. This year BLiR is working to reduce the stigma of addiction and recovery by giving back to our communities through service and awareness events.

We are partnering with Alternative Opportunities, Inc., the Recovery Coalition of the Ozarks, Higher Ground, Hands Extended Outreach, Victory Circle, Jericho Commission, Glendale Christian Church, local Celebrate Recovery and various other 12 Step groups, the Missouri Recovery Network and local business owners to organize and host several community events and community service projects. September is National Recovery Month, and we are having 4 major events this year to celebrate it as well as an outreach committee to find and plan community service projects.

1.       Recovery Day at Hammond’s Field – This event will be held on August 29th. We will have a parade around the outfield at 6 of people in recovery, their families and people in support of those in recovery as the score board displays information about Recovery Month and the 5K/10K Recovery Awareness Run the following week. We will also be throwing out the first pitch to start the game. Tickets for the game are available through BLiR for $10.

2.       Getting Dirty to Stay Clean 5K/10K Run and BBQ to be held on September 6th.The run will be called “Recovery Coalition of the Ozarks presents the BLiR Getting Dirty to Stay Clean 5K/10K Trail Run.” Location is yet to be determined. The post-race BBQ will feature live music, bounce houses, games, prizes, face painting and other family friendly fun.

3.       Keeping it Clean James River Float Trip and Campout –This event will be at Hooten Town on September 27th and 28th.Saturday evening we will have 3 speakers share their testimonies of long-term recovery as well as live music and BBQ. On Sunday we will start the morning with breakfast followed by a float down the James River and help keep it clean by picking up trash. The day will end with various prizes, including one for the canoe with the most trash picked up based on weight.

4.       Multidisciplinary Forum at Missouri State University is in the planning phase. It will be held during the month of September.

5.       Outreach Committee– This committee is setting up community service projects that will be completed by people who are in recovery. We are going to Cowden Elementary School on Saturday, May 3rd.We will be painting their playground and picking rocks off of their fields. We will be part of the United Way's Day of Caring event, as well.

Better Life in Recovery is working with multiple treatment providers, people from the Drug and DWI court system as well as various 12 Step and faith-based recovery organizations to reach our goals.  Our unity will allow us to have larger events that will make it easier for the community to see that we do recover. The more people we bring out, the easier it is to get positive attention to help offset all of the negative attention addiction generally receives.

We are real people with real problems who have real answers and we are transforming lives by sharing recovery. We are vital pieces of an effective, efficient community. Together we will spread the message that prevention works, treatment is effective, and people can and do recover. In turn this will promote the message that recovery in all its forms is possible, and encourage citizens to take action to help expand and improve the availability of effective prevention, treatment, and recovery services for those in need.

 

Our website's address is:www.betterlifeinrecovery.com  Our next planning meeting is scheduled for Saturday, May 17th at 1 P.M. We will be having the meeting at Day Spring, located at 2157 North Prospect on the second floor.

 

If there is any way you would like to get involved, whether that means sponsoring an event financially, making donations, volunteering to help set up/clean/entertain at one of the events, or just want to come to them to participate and would like more information reply to this or shoot me an email to: david@betterlifeinrecover.com

I Hate Stigma

It has taken me over a week to write this blog. One of the reasons that it has taken me this long is because of things I am currently working on with other passionate people to decimate the stigma I will soon be talking about. Then I got sick and last week was in bed for the majority of Sunday through Wednesday. That illness resulted in me not posting anything last week. This week we will talk about one of my least favorite words, stigma.

Stigma is defined as a set of negative and often unfair beliefs that a society or group of people have about something. To stigmatized is to to characterize or brand as disgraceful. I have pretty harsh feelings about those who brand people as disgraceful. I work with many of those who are stigmatized, and they are for the most part really good people who have made some bad choices. The worst part is that this brand of hate is being done by the people we live among in our fair city of Springfield, and they feel validated to share it.

This became very apparent to me as I read the comments pasted on the KY3 and KOLR10 Facebook sites after they posted the news of Philip Seymour Hoffman's death a couple of months ago. Some comments showed compassion, while others did not. "Just another dead junkie" and "See, they never stop using" were among my least favorite. Then I read the comments on the Newsleader Facebook page when a mugshot is posted. Not all of them, but a lot of them. "Can't wait until he meets Bubba" and "Throw away the key" were two of the first ones I read the other day.

Than there was a young girl by the name of Hailey who was kidnapped and killed. When the name of her abductor was released (I refuse to give his name any space on my blog), the speculation began. The leading speculation I read on various Facebook sites was that he had to be under the influence of narcotics, as in, "He had to be on something to kidnap and murder a little girl." As if him being on something would have explained the atrocity he committed.

I was disgusted by the attitude of the very people I walk beside every day. There is nothing that explains why someone would do such heinous things. High or drunk and evil are two completely different things. Not that evil acts are not perpetrated by people who struggle with chemical dependencies, but they are also committed by people who are not on anything. That is the truth. The community at large disagrees. This is the reason that there are $100,000 cuts at The Kitchen, which houses homeless who are often stigmatized as all being addicts, alcoholics and/or mentally ill. Stigma sucks!

I should know. I am in one of those groups that is stigmatized. In fact, I am in multiple stigmatized groups. I was sexually and physically abused as a child. I am an addict and alcoholic in long-term recovery. I am a convicted felon who has done time in prison. I have also been diagnosed as Bipolar disorder with psychotic features and several other diagnosis. I lived in shame for years because of much of this, afraid that people would find out. After all, I heard how they talked about people like me.

Then I realized that those people were by and large people who had never had to experience the things that I did growing up. They did not have to overcome the things I had overcome to be standing where I am at today. There were really just critics. I once hard that a critic is a generally committed as an act of ignorance or cowardice where a bystander runs onto the battle field and shoots the survivors. Hate kills people every day. Stigmatization is a byproduct of hate.

I deplore hate, so by proxy I deplore stigma. My goal in life is to deal hope and decimate stigma surrounding addiction, mental health issues as well as other hurts and hang-ups men, women and children face every day through education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. We actually just had a meeting on Saturday and I will be putting a recap of the meeting on here later this week as well as when the next meeting will be held in May. I hope that if you share my passion you will attend the next meeting.

I know for a fact that there is a Better Life in Recovery, because I have found it! We will win. We will make huge steps towards eradicating stigma and spreading hope by using real people with real problems sharing real answers so we can transform lives by sharing our recovery! Thanks for reading!!

Why I Love God's Attributes

Have you ever taken a minute to really thing about what it mean when we say God is eternal, omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent God? 

God is: 

1.    Eternal: God has always existed. He has always been and he will always be. There is not a time when God has not existed.
2.    Omniscient: God has total knowledge. He knows all things that have ever been and will ever be.
3.    Omnipresent: God is in all places at all times. He is always present: yesterday, today and tomorrow!
4.    Omnipotent: God is all powerful. There is nothing that God cannot accomplish, nothing he cannot do. 

One day I was upset with my son over a choice he had made. Something in the house was broken, and when I asked him about it he did not factually report (clever way of saying lied) what had occurred. I was very disappointed in him, and after I let him know that I put him in the corner. As he cried his little 5 year old tears, I felt horrible. 

I do not like it when my son lies to me, and I wondered how many times he would be less than honest before he finally decided telling the truth was the way to go. I started thinking about,as a parent, having the ability to stop him from lying and being able to force him to tell the truth. Then I could force him to always do what I wanted and life would be so much easier; than I thought about God.  

God is omnipotent, and He really could force us to do His will. He could make us do everything He wants us to do, say only what He wants us to say and go only where He wants us to go. I thought about having that power over my son and my daughter. 

Then I thought how mind-numbing and horrible that would be. My children would be automatons, doing my bidding and nothing else. I would never know whether it was there choice or not, because they would never have an opportunity to make choices. I would rather they choose to do the right thing eventually then always being forced to do it and never have the freedom to make their own choices. After all, we learn from mistakes. 

God is omnipresent, and this ties in with His being eternal. Because He is eternal, He has no beginning and no end. He is the literal beginning and end, because he transcends both. He was here before our universe began, because He created it. Because He is without end or beginning, He is in all places at all times at once. We could not go to a day where He did not exist. This means that God can see all things at all times because He is in all places at once. 

God is omniscient. He knows all things that have been done in the past, the things that will be done in the present and because he is omnipresent He even knows the things that will be done in the future. If you are getting ready to do something, He knows what it is you are going to do before you even do it. God knows what you are going to do because a part of Him has already experienced you doing it. 

So when we combine all of these attributes into one being we call God, what does it mean for us? It means that we have a gigantic cheerleader that watches over us. God is never disappointed in the story of our life because He already knows the outcome. Let us look at a scenario to explore this a little deeper, my addiction. 

When I was using there were times that I wanted to quit. I went to rehab, and I got my families hopes up. When I came out of rehab I said all of the right things and actually attained 2 months of sobriety after I completed residential treatment before I relapsed. My family was shattered; they were disappointed and let down, frustrated and disillusioned. Some of them lost hope in me, and my word became worthless to them. They thought I would never quit using and refused to ever get the hopes up again because they did not want to be hurt anymore.

Let’s go back to my son. Imagine him not being honest with me. How frustrated could I get by his lack of candor? I want him to tell me the truth, yet he does not. The more he misleads me, the more frustrated I become. All I want to know is, “When will he tell the truth?” 

With God, these scenarios never happen. God already knows the outcome. He knew how many times I would relapse before I finally overcame my addiction. He was never disappointed in me. Instead of saying, “There is another relapse. He has relapses 3 times, how many more before he wins his struggle?” God knew I had 4 relapses in me before I would not use again. When I think back to my third relapse, I can hear the angels cheering, “Only 1 more relapse and he is ours!” 

God never gets disappointed, because He already knows the outcome. Sometimes the outcome is less than desirable, but He knows to expect it. I have some really good friends who have died, and if I would have known I could have at least cherished the time I had with them. God does that, whether we cherish our time with Him or not. That is a small piece, but there is a bigger message I took from this, and one that I hope you can use as well. 

God is never disappointed in you. He knows what you are going to do before you do it. He also knows the number of times you will slip and fall before you finally pledge your life to Him. Will you still slip? Of course, for all of us sin and fall short of God’s glory. But when we do, we can pick ourselves up and know God saw it coming and loves us anyway. He forgave us before we even did it because He already knew what we were going to do. 

How amazing is that? God and a myriad of angels are cheering for you in heaven right now because they are on your side. Through every victory and every defeat they are cheering you on. 

Why? 

Because God already knows how your story ends! 

The Power of a Word

It is amazing how much power can result from changing one word. I have done this with the word HAVE, changing it to GET. That one change has transformed my life because it has completely changed my attitude about things. It is amazing the different way I have been able to look at most things that I go through in my life because of it. I no longer see things as obstacles but instead as opportunities. Here is how it is applied.

I used to hate going to recovery meetings. I would be fine once I got there, but the motivation to get there in the first place was missing. I would look at the clock and think to myself, “I have to go to a meeting tonight.” It was very low on my totem pole of things to do, even though I realized how important they were to my sobriety.

As I began to get more involved with the meetings, I opened myself up to doing more at them. I would chair meetings, volunteer to do readings and set up/break down chairs and tables for the meetings. I became necessary to the meetings and began to see them not as things I HAD to do, but things I GOT to do.  Soon I would see it was almost time for the meeting, and would say to myself, “I get to go to a meeting.”

Thinking of the meeting as something I got to do instead of something I had to do changed the way I looked at it. I began to appreciate the meetings I attended. I could have been in county jail or prison due to my use, but I had some freedom. I could have been in the hospital or the graveyard due to an overdose or drug deal gone bad and yet I was healthy enough to be outside. I got to be at a meeting. Being there was way better than some of the alternatives I could think of, so why not focus on the positive aspects?  

I now use that shift in vocabulary with everything I do. I don’t have to go to work; I get to go to work. I don’t have to go to trainings; I get to go to trainings. I don’t have to wake up in the morning; I get to wake up in the morning. I know the direction my life was headed in my addiction. My life’s trajectory has done a complete 180 thanks to Christ and recovery. How can I not appreciate what I get to do?

If you are always miserable, then you are working your program wrong! Will you have days that are disappointing? Of course you will. It is your choice whether you let the disappointments or the successes define you and the rest of your days. I chose to put the majority of my focus on my successes. I introduce myself not as an addict, but as one in recovery because of that. I am defined by my success, not by my shortcomings!

So the next time you are having a pity party for yourself, remember that there are much worse things that could be happening in your life. The next time you are at a meeting filled with people holding Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer attitudes, shout the praises of your recovery. Remind everyone that recovery is filled with joy and hope. There is a better life in recovery! After all, that is the message newcomers needs to hear, and a lot of people in our lives need to be reminded of.

But My Counselor's Never Been an Addict

I often hear people in the recovery process talk to me about having issues with their counselor because they have not had an addiction issue. It brings back memories of my first residential rehabilitation experience. I knew that if my counselor had never been an addict, I would never succeed. As it played out my counselor was in long term personal recovery, and I relapsed anyway. Would it have been different if my counselor had not been in recovery? I will never know.

What I do know is there are two different schools of thought on this issue. One says that you need to have had an addiction in your past, and the other says that it does not matter. Today we will look at the recovery specialists who have never had personal substance abuse issues themselves. The questions sound something like this, “How can they possibly understand what I am going through if they have never had problems with drugs before? How can they relate to me?”

The most frequent reply I have heard is, “You don’t have to have cancer to cure cancer.” This is very true. Most doctors who work in oncology departments have never themselves had cancer yet they have the ability to give great services and to use the best modalities available for treatment. I personally never liked this response. This was the response I was given when I voiced concern of my counselor not being in recovery themselves, and it did not assuage my fears. So I came up with different ways to address the issue.  

I ask people this question, “So does your psychiatrist/psychologist struggle with (Fill in mental health disorder they have here such as Bipolar/Depression/Anxiety)?” When they tell me no, then I ask them, “Well then how could they ever relate to you and help you with yours?” This often gets a laugh which reduces their anxiety and softens the walls they have up. Then I will remind them that everyone has been impacted by addiction, maybe not personally but by growing up with parents, siblings, significant others or close friends who struggled with substance abuse. After all, addiction impacts everyone.

So, do I think that you have to have an addiction to treat an addiction?  No, I don’t feel that you have to have a substance use issue in order to give good services to people. I know some amazing counselors who work in the recovery field who are not in recovery themselves. Instead, they have some very important characteristics that all counselors whether in recovery or not need in order to be successful.

1.       Empathy – The ability to understand another person’s experiences and emotions from their perspective. This requires caring enough about someone to see their issues from their point of view. Many times no one has ever tried to see what they are going through from their perspective. Hurting people are used to being treated with pity and sympathy when what they really need is empathy.

2.       Genuineness – Truly caring about the person/people you are working with and enjoying what you do. The population you work with be they children or adults know when you don’t care. If you don’t care, neither will they! Also, be true to who you are. Don’t try to use vernacular that is foreign to you just to fit in. People know a fake when they see one. Be authentic at all times.

3.       Unconditional Positive Regard – Accepting and supporting people where they are at not where you want them to be. This also allows them to see they possess the ability to accomplish anything they want. They are used to pity and sympathy not compassion. Be the first person to acknowledge someone can be successful and the sky is their limit.

4.       Hope – In order to instill hope in others I must have hope myself. Hope that life gets better, hope that everyone has the ability to heal from past hurts, habits and hang-ups and hope that no matter how bad today is tomorrow is a brand new day. I can then pass that hope on to my clients. Without hope recovery is impossible. You can get sober, you can be abstinent but recovery will elude you. Hope breeds optimism and optimism is vital to recovery.

5.       Therapeutic Alliance – According to research developing a good rapport with a client is the single most important ingredient for success. Rapport builds trust and respect. If they do not trust or respect you nothing you do will be effective. In order to build a positive alliance you need to display empathy, genuineness and unconditional positive regard while dealing hope to the person you are with.

In closing, I truly believe that by utilizing the above skills, you can be a good counselor. I have gotten a lot of positive help from good counselors. There is how ever another school of thought, and we will get to that in a future blog. Thanks for reading, I’ll talk to you next time!