So I have been seeing all of the stuff about Chick-fil-A's owner, Dan Cathy, saying that he believes that marriage is between a man and a women and does not support gay marriage. He supports the traditional marriage of a man and a women. I am told that this is hate speech, but that puzzles me. He does not stop gay couples from eating at his restaurant. He does not stand at the door and shout slurs at gays and lesbians. He does not support what they do and he stands for something else. I do not hear hate in what he says.
Let me give you several examples from my life where I do not support something, if fact I speak out against them, and tell me if what I describe is hate:
I cannot stand drugs. I feel that there is nothing more evil than addiction. I see what it does to people's lives. I have made my life a crusade against addictions, from drugs to alcohol to cutting to eating disorders. I want to educate parents, youth, young adults, churches and communities about the dangers of addiction and the power of recovery. I am 100% against addictions. Although it has been scientifically proven that people are born genetically predisposed to it, which means they are born that way, I am still against it. I am employed fighting addiction, I am starting a non-profit to combat addiction and I spend most of my free time, money and energy in that same arena. I am anti-addiction!
I will do all that I can to fight life consuming issues and get others to join in my fight against them. Does this mean that I hate addicts, alcoholics, the mentally ill, bulimics, anorexics, convicts, etc.? Absolutely not!! I love them, although I don't agree with how they are living their lives. Due to this, I encourage them to live their lives differently. If they stay in addiction, I will never stop caring about and praying for them. To some people I guess that is hate. To me, it is caring and compassion.
Next thing I am against is obesity. I do not support obesity, although I am obese. I am trying to lose weight and want to see the body fat melt off. I can't stand it. That said, I don't hate obese people. I encourage them in their struggles, because I know how unhealthy it can be to live your life that way. But, I am against obesity and wish that all people had healthy body fat percentages. So now, all people who are obese should boycott my blog, right? I guess if you use the logic of Chicago, Boston, San Fransisco, the Muppets and Ed Helms.
Next you throw in Chicago trying to say no Chick-fil-A's in our city!! Chicago has one of the worst gang problems in the United States. Their homicide rate was up 40% from last year and they are worried about Chick-fil-A? Boston is in the bottom 11% of cities when it comes to the crime rate, yet they don't want Chick-fil-A? It seems that they have much bigger issues to deal with. How about doing more to combat gang violence?
Why do we have cities that are against Chick-fil-A, which has not killed anybody that I know of, yet they have head shops in their cities. Why are we allowing places that sell glass pipes, also known as bubbles, that are used for smoking methamphetamine and cocaine to be in business? These same places sell items that supposedly to help someone flush their system so that they can beat drug screens. They are promoting drug use!! How can you not have a problem with that? Were are your priorities at. I know where mine are!
I stand against addictions and other life consuming, life controlling, life robbing issues. I do not care if you are 12 or 80, black or white, straight or gay! I want to educate you on the dangers of using drugs. Through Better Life in Recovery I will use real people with real problems to share hope and recovery so that we can work on combating addiction. If you want to join, volunteer, share your story or donate to the cause let me know. If not, if you support addiction, if you are active in your addiction just know that I can't stand it. I hate it, but I love you and will try my best to help you!
This blog is about my experience with childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse that led me to addictions and mental health issues and how I found a #BetterLifeInRecovery.I share the tools that have taken me #FromDealingDopeToDealingHope in the hopes you can use them to rebuild your life! Together we are #TransformingLivesBySharingRecovery! #HopeDealer #StigmaKiller
Friday, July 27, 2012
The Locker Room (Sermon Outline for Youth 07/26)
THE LOCKER ROOM
THE GAME
LIFE
Ephesians 6:10-12 - This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.”
NEEDS
1. TEAM
2. COACH
3. TEAM MATES
4. PLAY BOOK
5. HUDDLE
6. PRACTICE
7. LOCKER ROOM
TEAM
C.S. LEWIS, "There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'
THE WINNING TEAM = CHRIST
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.
COACH
MENTOR and PASTORS
Proverbs 22:6 - "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
TEAM MATES
ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER
Ecclesiastes 4:9,12 - Two are better than one, Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
PLAY BOOK
THE BIBLE
2 Timothy 3:16-17 - All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work
PRACTICE
SMALL GROUPS
Hebrews 10:25 - And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and god deeds, not giving up meeting together, but encouraging one another
THE HUDDLE
PRAYER
Ephesians 6:18 - In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out
THE LOCKER ROOM
CHURCH
ROMANS 12:2 - Do not be conformed to this present world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may test and approve what is the will of God – what is good and well-pleasing and perfect.
STANDING OUT
Matthew 5:14-16 - You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
1. Is my life about self-fulfillment or Christ fulfillment
2. Do I live as one who is IN this world or as one who is OF this world
3. Am I ashamed of my faith, or do I profess the gospel to all who would hear it
4. Is my life a living sacrifice to Jesus
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Better Life in Recovery Update July, 2012
This is like the State of the Union, except it is the state of Better Life in Recovery (BLiR). We have a lot of things going on, both my wife, son and I as a family and with the forming of the non-profit. I just want to start off by saying that I am very blessed and above all needs I have one that is of the upmost importance. Prayer, prayer and more prayer. I feel that it is more vital to BLiR than anything else for it to be able to do what it is supposed to do and help those it is meant to help.
If you don't know what Better Life in Recovery is please go to this link and it will explain the purpose: http://www.betterlifeinrecovery.com/page2.php
First I will talk about what has been accomplished to advance Better Life in Recovery so far. We have had two people that have agreed to sit on the board once we form BLiR. We have began drafting the paperwork that is required for a non-profit. We have purchased betterlifeinrecovery.com and betterlifeinrecovery.org (they need a lot of work, but I will get to that later). We have gotten our logo completed, and here it is.
Two people have agreed to be on the board once we form the non-profit. We felt that we needed to have a meeting to let everyone know what we are doing, how far we had gotten and what our needs are. Thus was born our first preliminary meeting. It was attended by 7 people. We found that we still had a lot of work to do, and scheduled to meet again at the end of summer.
We have managed to conduct 8 interviews for the documentary. They have gone really well. It is terrifying to hear how young use started and the damage that addiction did to their lives. On the flip side it is amazing to hear what they have been able to accomplish in recovery. A trailer for the first 5 people that we interviewed was put together and here it is.
We have some very specific needs to address:
If you don't know what Better Life in Recovery is please go to this link and it will explain the purpose: http://www.betterlifeinrecovery.com/page2.php
First I will talk about what has been accomplished to advance Better Life in Recovery so far. We have had two people that have agreed to sit on the board once we form BLiR. We have began drafting the paperwork that is required for a non-profit. We have purchased betterlifeinrecovery.com and betterlifeinrecovery.org (they need a lot of work, but I will get to that later). We have gotten our logo completed, and here it is.Two people have agreed to be on the board once we form the non-profit. We felt that we needed to have a meeting to let everyone know what we are doing, how far we had gotten and what our needs are. Thus was born our first preliminary meeting. It was attended by 7 people. We found that we still had a lot of work to do, and scheduled to meet again at the end of summer.
We have managed to conduct 8 interviews for the documentary. They have gone really well. It is terrifying to hear how young use started and the damage that addiction did to their lives. On the flip side it is amazing to hear what they have been able to accomplish in recovery. A trailer for the first 5 people that we interviewed was put together and here it is.
We have some very specific needs to address:
- Prayer. Our first and foremost need is prayer as I mentioned above.
- We need $1,000 to file for non-profit status so that we can start fundraising seriously.
- Web designer to help us set up our web site. I know exactly how I want it to look but no ability to build it. We also need a Facebook page set up.
- Attorney - We have a lot of paperwork to draft and papers to file
- Board member - If our dream is your passion we have a board member application for you.
- Grant Writer - Funding for this project will be needed
- Accountant - We need to budget and track things financially
- Marketing, Public Relations and Advertising - We need to spread the word and get into communities to make an impact
- We still need volunteers between the ages of 18-25 who have struggled with addictions (drugs, alcohol, cutting, eating disorder) that are willing to share their story. We have a real need for ethnicities in this area.
- Parents who have had children struggle with addictions and have either overcame their addiction, are still struggling or have passed away while in addiction who would be willing to share their knowledge and expertise are also needed.
- Everyone - Word of mouth and fundraising. Talk about us on and in Facebook, Twitter, your local newspaper, local radio/television, your blog, etc and at your school, your church, your social clubs, civic events, PTA meetings, conferences, etc. Read below and if you can help in any way please do!
Friday, July 13, 2012
4 People Who Found the Reason for Their Hurts
Have you ever had one of those days, or better yet one of those years that just kicks your butt. Come to think of it, some of us have one of those lives! You have the absolute worse things happen to you. You are abused as a child either physically, mentally, sexually or all three. You get abused not just by a parent (or grandparent or uncle or step-parent) but by your siblings and/or their friends as well. Your parents are addicts/alcoholics and your mother gets beat all the time. You grow up poor, and the kids at school make fun of you. Everybody you care about either leaves you or dies. Does this sound familiar?
Some of you live in constant fear of what is going to happen to you next. You can never figure out why. You sit by yourself in tears, wallowing in depression and fear, just wishing it would all go away. There are questions and thoughts that always wander into your mind: "Why does my luck always suck?" "Can God see me?" "Does God hate me?" "Maybe I should just end it all." "There can't be a God or He wouldn't let this happen." "Why does this always happen to me?"
At the end of this I am going to play a song that my wife wrote and performs called "There's A Reason" that addresses these questions, but first I would like to share a few stories. Here are stories about 4 people who most would think have been dealt a pretty unfair hand. They could have turned their back on God and just given up, but they didn't!
Some of you live in constant fear of what is going to happen to you next. You can never figure out why. You sit by yourself in tears, wallowing in depression and fear, just wishing it would all go away. There are questions and thoughts that always wander into your mind: "Why does my luck always suck?" "Can God see me?" "Does God hate me?" "Maybe I should just end it all." "There can't be a God or He wouldn't let this happen." "Why does this always happen to me?"
At the end of this I am going to play a song that my wife wrote and performs called "There's A Reason" that addresses these questions, but first I would like to share a few stories. Here are stories about 4 people who most would think have been dealt a pretty unfair hand. They could have turned their back on God and just given up, but they didn't!
- Nick Vujicic is a pastor and motivational speaker who has traveled all over the world. His ministry is called "Life Without Limbs" because Nick was born with no arms and no legs. He has never let that stop him. He has spoken to over 3 million people on 5 continents about hope and finding meaning in their lives. He talks all over the world about how God can use anyone who is willing to do his work no matter their disability.
- Ellie is 11 years old today. When she was 7 she was molested by her best friend's step-dad. She came forward a year later. She took that long because she was filled with shame and she thought that her parents would not believe her because he was a friend of the family. Her family pressed charges and other girls came forward too. He was eventually placed in prison. Ellie now goes into churches, schools and prisons to talk about the abuse. She wants children to know that if this is happening to them they should not be afraid or ashamed, because it is not their fault. Because of her conviction to help others many children who were being abused and had never told anyone had the courage to come forward after she spoke.
- Harold and Betty Donaldson were hit head on by a drunk driver. He was killed and she was incapacitated for a long time. The Donaldson's children learned how to live without many of the basic necessities that we take for granted. The local community and churches intervened and made sure that the Donaldson's had food and shelter. The generosity that they were shown not only gave the Donaldson's hope, it also instilled in them a desire to one day help those in need. In 1994 they created Convoy of Hope, which has given over $299 million worth of food and supplies to over 52 million people in more than 100 countries.
- I did not have the best of life growing up. I was abused sexually when I was in the 1st grade by a baby sitter. In 5th and 6th grade I lived with a highly abusive grandfather. I went on to abuse drugs and alcohol for 25 years of my life, living a lifestyle that landed me in rehabs, jails and prison. I overdosed 3 times, have been found unconscious in a pool of blood after attempting suicide and have died several other times after a car accident. I was diagnosed Bi-Polar, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, etc. My life was not alright. Since I turned 30 I have gotten an associate, 2 bachelors and a masters degree off of a GED that I got in prison. I have 3 years clean and sober and live my life working as a substance abuse counselor and sharing the message of recovery, Christ and hope in churches, colleges, youth groups and communities. I am currently forming a non-profit to take that message into groups, communities, churches, colleges, junior high and high schools.
Why do I tell you all of this. The number one reason is to let you know that you are not alone. Life hurts many of us deeply. Second I want you to know that no matter the abuse you are living through/with or the tragedies and losses that you have suffered; there is hope. I know that you may not want to hear it now, but there is a reason these things have happened. God has a plan that is bigger than you and bigger than me.
In my life, God has used my hurts and my habits to help others. From my addiction to my mental illnesses to my dad's suicide, everything that has ever happened in my life has been a blessing. They have all given me the passion to do what I do and the drive to do it. Me and the other 3 people that I talked about all had horrific things happen, but today we would all tell you that there was a bless in the mess.
Life happens and life hurts, sometimes really bad. Life can either make us better or bitter, I choose to let it make me better. When I let it make me bitter it was killing me, and I want to live. I still have a lot of hope to share!!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
My Journey of Addiction - From Fearing Death to Fearing Life to Living for Christ One Day at a Time
I can still remember the first time that I smoked marijuana. It was the summer before seventh grade. I had just moved to a new town called Highland and my dad worked overnights. I went for a walk the first night that I was there and saw a cluster of kids as I walked by the square. There were a couple that looked to be my age, but most looked older. As I walked by the square one of them called out to me.
As I walked over I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. One of the kids asked if he could bum a cigarette. I gave him one and we talked for a few minutes. It came up almost immediately that I was new in town, and he told me what to expect when I started school. Looking back, it was typical stoner conversation, "School sucks because we don't fit in, the teachers try to fail us, the cops in this town sucks and everybody is out to get us."
Another kid came up and whispered in his ear then walked off. He turned to me and asked, "Are you cool?" Not knowing what that even meant, I said yes. He asked me if I smoked pot. I had no idea what pot was. I knew that I smoked cigarettes, so I said yes. We walked into the gazebo on the square and entered into a circle of kids passing around joints. I took my first hit of marijuana. I coughed like I had tuberculosis and everyone laughed. I continued to smoke in that circle.
By the time I left that night I was stoned and drunk. And I had friends. The two years that I had lived in Branson I had only made one friend. The entire time that I had lived in Peoria I had made one real friend. Both times, they lived right next to me and I was the only option their age. This time, it was different. I had multiple friends and most were older than I was. Suddenly, I had found my place in the world.
It felt good to be accepted. That weekend I went to a house party with the same kids. There were more kids there and some grown-ups. I smoked and drank again. That night I also used cocaine, tripped acid and had sex. Now I had a lot of friends who felt just like I did. Some of us were born to alcoholics and drug addicts, some of us were abused. Most of us were both. We were different, but we had each other.
I had found my niche, and the days of partying and fighting had began. I soon smoked every morning on the walk to school with a couple of friends. We did rush/poppers between classes and smoked again on the way home. We drank most weekends, fought a lot and took white crosses constantly. Cocaine was rare, it was only with adults at big parties. That was my 7th and 8th grade years. When I moved to Eldorado, it was just more of the same through high school.
I would never change all that I did and all that happened to me. It has all made me stronger and wiser. I do wonder what I would have done if it was someone other than my teachers and the "Just Say No" program telling me not to do drugs. Would I have done them? If someone could have told me where I would end up ten years later that I could relate to would my use of stopped, stayed the same or increased? I will never know.
All that I do know is that no intervention ever worked, and my use just increased. I ended up moving to Hollister, Missouri the summer before my senior year and hung out in Branson at the lakefront then went to keg parties most nights. I was also introduced to methamphetamine when I got to Branson.
That was were things really started to get bad, but I could always justify it. "I am only snorting and smoking it. It's not like it's going to kill me." I dropped out of high school because it got in the way of my partying. I could not place school and learning above partying and having sex. My journey from abuse to addiction landed me in jail and on house arrest. When I was 20 I graduated to prison. I got out when I was 21 and by that time I had spent about 10% of my life behind bars.
I still justified my drug use and the hustling that I did, because it was fun and I enjoyed doing it. I liked my life. You could even say that I loved my life. When I got out of prison I used meth intravenously for the first time, and my life was never the same. I still wanted to live, because shooting up felt like nothing I had ever done before. It was the most intense feeling that I had ever had. Now I know why.
Here is a quick lesson in brain chemistry. Dopamine is responsible for generating feelings of pleasure in our brain. It is the chemical that is released when we have an orgasm. When you do cocaine it releases almost twice the amount of dopamine that an orgasm does. Methamphetamine is 3 times stronger than cocaine. Our brain releases over 600% more dopamine when we do meth as when we have an orgasm. That is a level that is biologically impossible to reach without drug use. As addicts we soon find that nothing comes close to the euphoria we feel when we do meth, and we crave it. Soon that high becomes the only thing that matters, and we lose interest in everything else!
I slowly began to phase out my friends and family that did not use. I wanted nothing to do with them. I did not want to hear them preach at me. I began to miss family events like birthdays and Christmas. They were just not that important to me. I wanted to get high, and I was enjoying doing it. I could justify my drug use, because I was working full time (and hustling the rest). It got to the point that I would sleep one day a week, on Sundays. I would stay up from Sunday night through early Sunday morning.
I had a car accident a year or so after that, flying a Firebird 97 feet and 32 feet into the air. I was in the hospital for a while on opiates, and if you forward 6 months from the wreck I was addicted to opiates also. My use continued, and it got worse and worse. When I was 26 my sister found me unconscious in my bathroom with both of my wrists slit and blood every where. She called an ambulance, and they were able to save me.
My sister made me promise that I would never attempt suicide again. I promised her that I would not. I meant the promise when I made it. I even kept that promise, kind of. More on that later. I continued to party, and had gotten put back on probation just as my parole was ending. I rode out my probation for the first several years. I was always able to stop using 48-72 hours before I saw my probation officer and I would flush my system or use a Whizzenator. I thought that I was doing okay, but I was wrong.
My addiction had gotten so bad that I shot up right before I saw my probation officer. Literally, the day before and again on my report day. When I got in, she took one look at me and said, "If I were to test you right now, what would I find?" I told her that I didn't know what she wouldn't find. Just like that, I was on my way to rehab.
I won't get too much into the details, but before I went to rehab I put everything that I had left in a spoon and used it. It should have killed me, but it didn't. Instead my sister drove me to detox. While I was in rehab, I thought that maybe they were right and I needed to quit. I completed residential, but did not do outpatient aftercare. I was doing great, or so I thought. I even started an NA meeting in my home. I was all about showing everybody how wrong they were about me, thinking that I would relapse. In the end they were all right. I made one major mistake, I kept the friends I had before I went to rehab. It is hard to stay clean when you are playing in the mud. I was bound to fail.
Finally one day I needed money, and the only way I knew how to make it was to do a burn. I made a batch of dope, and just like that I was back out there. It was actually worse this time around. The first 7 years of my life I had never overdosed. I overdosed 3 times over the next year. I always had to do more than everybody else.
I had a death wish. At one time, I would watch how much I did because I did not want to over do it. This time around, I didn't care. I had discovered something. I could not quit. I thought that I had it beat, but I discovered that methamphetamine owned me. I would do opiates, benzodiazepines, hallucinogens, powder and rock cocaine. I would shoot up ice water and liquor just to feel the needle. It did not matter what you had, I would do it.
I soon found what my true addiction was. I was addicted to more. I wanted anything you had and would do all that you had. If it was sex, drugs, liquor, fighting or money. I wanted it and I wanted it all. The only thing that I did not want was to live. I would go to dope cooks houses that I did not even know, hoping that they would kill me. If I knew that someone was spun out and sketchy, I was there and would refuse to leave.
I had friends, but I couldn't trust them further than I could throw them. I had good dope, money and a house. They loved me for that, but they would steal from me given a chance. They were just like me, all about themselves. Sure they would have helped me hide bodies, but they would have hid mine too if the money was right. It was the drug world, and sometimes people just disappeared. Everyone thought that they had moved, but we usually knew better. Those were my running mates. I WAS NOT ALRIGHT!
I had promised my sister I would not kill myself, but I never told her that I wouldn't let someone else kill me. I have had people come at me with guns and knives. I egged them on. I WANTED TO DIE! I ended up with holes in my body that I was not born with. I did stop breathing on several occasions, but I always came back to life. I hated my life, but it was all that I knew!
The reason that it all got so bad was that I had been running from feeling my whole life. I was abused as a child and felt like a loner. The only time that I felt like I fit in was when I was doing drugs with other people. We shared a connection. Drugs were the only stable relationship that I ever had. It never tried to take advantage of me, never lied to me and I always knew what to expect from it. Plus the rush was unlike anything that I had ever felt. But the downside was intense. I loved drugs, I loved the way they made me feel but I could not stand the people it brought into my life and I hated the person that they made me. They made me evil!
By the time I realized what it was doing to me, it was too late. I can remember seeing one of my friend's friends after he had overdosed. I walked into the bathroom and he was sagging against the wall and the toilet, dead. As I looked into his eyes I could only think one thing, "That sure looks nice. He finally looks calm and peaceful. I bet that feels great."
You see he no longer had to worry about the things that we as drug addicts have to worry about. He no longer had to fear someone sketching out and thinking he was an undercover or wearing a wire. He didn't have to play curtain patrol every 3 seconds because he knew that either the cops or the COMET (Combined Ozarks Multijurisdictional Enforcement Team) Drug Task Force was out there watching him. He no longer had to fear his friends, family and girlfriends were either turning him in or conspiring against him. His race was finished, he was done. He was at rest forever. I wanted that.
To give you an example of where my life was at this time, if I got arrested with money in my pocket to bond out I would stay in county jail for a week or two. I could catch up on sleep, eat a bunch to gain weight and relax. I was calmer and less stressed in county jail than I was on the outside of jail in the real world. I wasn't institutionalized, but life as a drug addict is not all that it is cracked up to be. The combination of drugs and no sleep coupled with low-life friends (because I was a low-life too and we attract people just like us) sucks! It can only take you to dark places.
I WAS A SOLDIER FOR SATAN! I can remember holding a cocked and loaded gun to my temple, contemplating pulling the trigger and hearing voices from these shapes that were darker than dark shout at me, "Do it. Pull the trigger and come home." I have seen shadow people in the corner while I was high and sometimes when I was not high watching me, always watching. I have held a gun to someone else's head and been cheered on and encouraged by the same shadow people many think are fake. I tell you this for certain, after a while we become Satan's soldiers and do his bidding.
Shadow people are real, and so is possession. When I was on meth and would get mad people have seen my entire eye turn black. I have glimpsed myself out of the corner of my eye in the mirror and saw the demon that had possessed me. How can you not fear life when you are possessed by demons and they are all around you. When you see perfectly sane people doing insane things, that is not the drugs. That is the evil that pervades them. METH IS EVIL!
I know that some may think that I am crazy when I talk about this. I know that our minds can play tricks on us, especially when on drugs and not sleeping for days and weeks at a time. Imagining that you see people in the trees and seeing and hearing something in the room with you are two completely different things. I have talked to many a drug user and we have described seeing and hearing the same things. How is having the exact same experiences in different towns at different times possible. The only way is if it is real. I would see the same things in the corner daily, but in different corners. I believe that when we use we weaken our resolve and we become an easier target for the devil. If meth is evil, then when you do it demons can walk in through the door that you have already opened. I and many others have seen and heard them.
How can you ever be happy. I feared life because I never knew what I would do next. My family thought that I was undependable but did not know half the truth. I never knew what I would do from one second to the next. I would be sitting shuffling cards one minute and go to the bathroom and come to an hour later playing Russian Roulette the next. I have months of my life that are just missing. I have no recollection of them. I sometimes still have nightmares of me doing things that I do not remember.
Add to that all of the damage that was caused by the dope I had a part in making and the drugs I sold. How many people got high on my drugs then beat their wives or children? How many people got high off of what I created and raped or molested somebody? How much money did I get that should have been spent feeding neglected, starving children? How many people overdosed on my drugs?
That is why towards the end of my addiction I was afraid to live. I knew all that I was responsible for, all that I had done, the things that had been done because of my drugs and that evil owned me. I WAS EVIL! Nothing good ever came of drugs, only evil! People in my life were only pawns and I had to use them before they would use me. Nothing good ever came of me, only evil. I hated myself. When I looked into the mirror all I saw was an evil person, a junkie and a convict.
Don't get me wrong, I did not want to be that way. I tried everything secular to get off of drugs and away from alcohol. I was in jails, prison and rehabs. I saw psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors. I was given one mental health diagnosis after another and switched from medication to medication in order to fix me. I was beyond fixing and there was no natural cure.
The problem wasn't that I was broken. I couldn't be fixed. The problem was that I had become evil. Friedrich Nietzsche talks about this, "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." My soul had become corrupted and I was left hopeless. Pretty nasty combination. I was devoid of all hope, and even though I wanted to die I was still here. I could not defeat drugs no matter what I tried and there is a reason for that. There is nothing worldly that can defeat spiritual corruption.
There is only cure, and I have found it. I went to Christ in prayer. I was mired in drug use for 25 years, and never had more than 3 months clean the entire quarter century. I made a deal with God one night at 37, and since that night I have not used drugs, gotten drunk, or smoked a cigarette. I have devoted my life to Christ, and my life has been forever changed. When the Bible says, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH," it means what it says! I am living proof. After all of the near death experiences; trying to die and failing and wondering why I finally had the answer. There is so much I have yet to do to bring Christ to those who struggle with life-controlling issues!
That is all I do now. My life is a 12th step! My transformation has been talked about in multiple blogs on my site Spiritual Spackle. I share about recovery and the power of Christ when ever and where ever I can. I have talked on the radio, television, at colleges, churches, recovery centers, recovery groups (Narcotic's Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, etc.), seminars, conferences and to youth groups. I am now a substance abuse counselor. It is why I am starting a non-profit to share the dangers of addiction and the power of recovery with people across the state, eventually across the country and hopefully the world. Across the world is not out of reach, my blog has been read in almost 100 countries.
GOD HAS PLACED ON MY HEART THE IMPORTANCE OF SHARING THE EVIL OF ADDICTION AND THE WONDERS OF RECOVERY WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS I CAN. Please feel free to repost and share this blog and my site with as many people as you can. We are on facebook under Spiritual Spackle and Better Life in Recovery . Stay tuned as the non-profit BETTER LIFE IN RECOVERY begins to come together and let us know if you can help in any way with it coming to fruition. Here is a link about what we are doing and what our needs are: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/05/better-life-in-recovery-documentary.html I also am a little over half done writing a book that should be out next year about my addiction and what I learned in overcoming it tentatively called Spiritual Spackle.
Thanks for taking the time to read this blog. It is probably the longest I have ever written, but it is also the most honest I have been. Methamphetamine, and addiction in general, are evil and linked to at least 80% of the evil in this world: murders, rape, child abuse, child molestation, suicide, cruelty to animals, etc. We need to bring an end to it, and I am hoping that Better Life in Recovery will help us reach youth with a more effective intervention than what is currently being done.
As I walked over I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. One of the kids asked if he could bum a cigarette. I gave him one and we talked for a few minutes. It came up almost immediately that I was new in town, and he told me what to expect when I started school. Looking back, it was typical stoner conversation, "School sucks because we don't fit in, the teachers try to fail us, the cops in this town sucks and everybody is out to get us."
Another kid came up and whispered in his ear then walked off. He turned to me and asked, "Are you cool?" Not knowing what that even meant, I said yes. He asked me if I smoked pot. I had no idea what pot was. I knew that I smoked cigarettes, so I said yes. We walked into the gazebo on the square and entered into a circle of kids passing around joints. I took my first hit of marijuana. I coughed like I had tuberculosis and everyone laughed. I continued to smoke in that circle.
By the time I left that night I was stoned and drunk. And I had friends. The two years that I had lived in Branson I had only made one friend. The entire time that I had lived in Peoria I had made one real friend. Both times, they lived right next to me and I was the only option their age. This time, it was different. I had multiple friends and most were older than I was. Suddenly, I had found my place in the world.
It felt good to be accepted. That weekend I went to a house party with the same kids. There were more kids there and some grown-ups. I smoked and drank again. That night I also used cocaine, tripped acid and had sex. Now I had a lot of friends who felt just like I did. Some of us were born to alcoholics and drug addicts, some of us were abused. Most of us were both. We were different, but we had each other.
I had found my niche, and the days of partying and fighting had began. I soon smoked every morning on the walk to school with a couple of friends. We did rush/poppers between classes and smoked again on the way home. We drank most weekends, fought a lot and took white crosses constantly. Cocaine was rare, it was only with adults at big parties. That was my 7th and 8th grade years. When I moved to Eldorado, it was just more of the same through high school.
I would never change all that I did and all that happened to me. It has all made me stronger and wiser. I do wonder what I would have done if it was someone other than my teachers and the "Just Say No" program telling me not to do drugs. Would I have done them? If someone could have told me where I would end up ten years later that I could relate to would my use of stopped, stayed the same or increased? I will never know.
All that I do know is that no intervention ever worked, and my use just increased. I ended up moving to Hollister, Missouri the summer before my senior year and hung out in Branson at the lakefront then went to keg parties most nights. I was also introduced to methamphetamine when I got to Branson.
That was were things really started to get bad, but I could always justify it. "I am only snorting and smoking it. It's not like it's going to kill me." I dropped out of high school because it got in the way of my partying. I could not place school and learning above partying and having sex. My journey from abuse to addiction landed me in jail and on house arrest. When I was 20 I graduated to prison. I got out when I was 21 and by that time I had spent about 10% of my life behind bars.
I still justified my drug use and the hustling that I did, because it was fun and I enjoyed doing it. I liked my life. You could even say that I loved my life. When I got out of prison I used meth intravenously for the first time, and my life was never the same. I still wanted to live, because shooting up felt like nothing I had ever done before. It was the most intense feeling that I had ever had. Now I know why.
Here is a quick lesson in brain chemistry. Dopamine is responsible for generating feelings of pleasure in our brain. It is the chemical that is released when we have an orgasm. When you do cocaine it releases almost twice the amount of dopamine that an orgasm does. Methamphetamine is 3 times stronger than cocaine. Our brain releases over 600% more dopamine when we do meth as when we have an orgasm. That is a level that is biologically impossible to reach without drug use. As addicts we soon find that nothing comes close to the euphoria we feel when we do meth, and we crave it. Soon that high becomes the only thing that matters, and we lose interest in everything else!
I slowly began to phase out my friends and family that did not use. I wanted nothing to do with them. I did not want to hear them preach at me. I began to miss family events like birthdays and Christmas. They were just not that important to me. I wanted to get high, and I was enjoying doing it. I could justify my drug use, because I was working full time (and hustling the rest). It got to the point that I would sleep one day a week, on Sundays. I would stay up from Sunday night through early Sunday morning.
I had a car accident a year or so after that, flying a Firebird 97 feet and 32 feet into the air. I was in the hospital for a while on opiates, and if you forward 6 months from the wreck I was addicted to opiates also. My use continued, and it got worse and worse. When I was 26 my sister found me unconscious in my bathroom with both of my wrists slit and blood every where. She called an ambulance, and they were able to save me.
My sister made me promise that I would never attempt suicide again. I promised her that I would not. I meant the promise when I made it. I even kept that promise, kind of. More on that later. I continued to party, and had gotten put back on probation just as my parole was ending. I rode out my probation for the first several years. I was always able to stop using 48-72 hours before I saw my probation officer and I would flush my system or use a Whizzenator. I thought that I was doing okay, but I was wrong.
My addiction had gotten so bad that I shot up right before I saw my probation officer. Literally, the day before and again on my report day. When I got in, she took one look at me and said, "If I were to test you right now, what would I find?" I told her that I didn't know what she wouldn't find. Just like that, I was on my way to rehab.
I won't get too much into the details, but before I went to rehab I put everything that I had left in a spoon and used it. It should have killed me, but it didn't. Instead my sister drove me to detox. While I was in rehab, I thought that maybe they were right and I needed to quit. I completed residential, but did not do outpatient aftercare. I was doing great, or so I thought. I even started an NA meeting in my home. I was all about showing everybody how wrong they were about me, thinking that I would relapse. In the end they were all right. I made one major mistake, I kept the friends I had before I went to rehab. It is hard to stay clean when you are playing in the mud. I was bound to fail.
Finally one day I needed money, and the only way I knew how to make it was to do a burn. I made a batch of dope, and just like that I was back out there. It was actually worse this time around. The first 7 years of my life I had never overdosed. I overdosed 3 times over the next year. I always had to do more than everybody else.
I had a death wish. At one time, I would watch how much I did because I did not want to over do it. This time around, I didn't care. I had discovered something. I could not quit. I thought that I had it beat, but I discovered that methamphetamine owned me. I would do opiates, benzodiazepines, hallucinogens, powder and rock cocaine. I would shoot up ice water and liquor just to feel the needle. It did not matter what you had, I would do it.
I soon found what my true addiction was. I was addicted to more. I wanted anything you had and would do all that you had. If it was sex, drugs, liquor, fighting or money. I wanted it and I wanted it all. The only thing that I did not want was to live. I would go to dope cooks houses that I did not even know, hoping that they would kill me. If I knew that someone was spun out and sketchy, I was there and would refuse to leave.
I had friends, but I couldn't trust them further than I could throw them. I had good dope, money and a house. They loved me for that, but they would steal from me given a chance. They were just like me, all about themselves. Sure they would have helped me hide bodies, but they would have hid mine too if the money was right. It was the drug world, and sometimes people just disappeared. Everyone thought that they had moved, but we usually knew better. Those were my running mates. I WAS NOT ALRIGHT!
I had promised my sister I would not kill myself, but I never told her that I wouldn't let someone else kill me. I have had people come at me with guns and knives. I egged them on. I WANTED TO DIE! I ended up with holes in my body that I was not born with. I did stop breathing on several occasions, but I always came back to life. I hated my life, but it was all that I knew!
The reason that it all got so bad was that I had been running from feeling my whole life. I was abused as a child and felt like a loner. The only time that I felt like I fit in was when I was doing drugs with other people. We shared a connection. Drugs were the only stable relationship that I ever had. It never tried to take advantage of me, never lied to me and I always knew what to expect from it. Plus the rush was unlike anything that I had ever felt. But the downside was intense. I loved drugs, I loved the way they made me feel but I could not stand the people it brought into my life and I hated the person that they made me. They made me evil!
By the time I realized what it was doing to me, it was too late. I can remember seeing one of my friend's friends after he had overdosed. I walked into the bathroom and he was sagging against the wall and the toilet, dead. As I looked into his eyes I could only think one thing, "That sure looks nice. He finally looks calm and peaceful. I bet that feels great."
You see he no longer had to worry about the things that we as drug addicts have to worry about. He no longer had to fear someone sketching out and thinking he was an undercover or wearing a wire. He didn't have to play curtain patrol every 3 seconds because he knew that either the cops or the COMET (Combined Ozarks Multijurisdictional Enforcement Team) Drug Task Force was out there watching him. He no longer had to fear his friends, family and girlfriends were either turning him in or conspiring against him. His race was finished, he was done. He was at rest forever. I wanted that.
To give you an example of where my life was at this time, if I got arrested with money in my pocket to bond out I would stay in county jail for a week or two. I could catch up on sleep, eat a bunch to gain weight and relax. I was calmer and less stressed in county jail than I was on the outside of jail in the real world. I wasn't institutionalized, but life as a drug addict is not all that it is cracked up to be. The combination of drugs and no sleep coupled with low-life friends (because I was a low-life too and we attract people just like us) sucks! It can only take you to dark places.
I WAS A SOLDIER FOR SATAN! I can remember holding a cocked and loaded gun to my temple, contemplating pulling the trigger and hearing voices from these shapes that were darker than dark shout at me, "Do it. Pull the trigger and come home." I have seen shadow people in the corner while I was high and sometimes when I was not high watching me, always watching. I have held a gun to someone else's head and been cheered on and encouraged by the same shadow people many think are fake. I tell you this for certain, after a while we become Satan's soldiers and do his bidding.
Shadow people are real, and so is possession. When I was on meth and would get mad people have seen my entire eye turn black. I have glimpsed myself out of the corner of my eye in the mirror and saw the demon that had possessed me. How can you not fear life when you are possessed by demons and they are all around you. When you see perfectly sane people doing insane things, that is not the drugs. That is the evil that pervades them. METH IS EVIL!
I know that some may think that I am crazy when I talk about this. I know that our minds can play tricks on us, especially when on drugs and not sleeping for days and weeks at a time. Imagining that you see people in the trees and seeing and hearing something in the room with you are two completely different things. I have talked to many a drug user and we have described seeing and hearing the same things. How is having the exact same experiences in different towns at different times possible. The only way is if it is real. I would see the same things in the corner daily, but in different corners. I believe that when we use we weaken our resolve and we become an easier target for the devil. If meth is evil, then when you do it demons can walk in through the door that you have already opened. I and many others have seen and heard them.
How can you ever be happy. I feared life because I never knew what I would do next. My family thought that I was undependable but did not know half the truth. I never knew what I would do from one second to the next. I would be sitting shuffling cards one minute and go to the bathroom and come to an hour later playing Russian Roulette the next. I have months of my life that are just missing. I have no recollection of them. I sometimes still have nightmares of me doing things that I do not remember.
Add to that all of the damage that was caused by the dope I had a part in making and the drugs I sold. How many people got high on my drugs then beat their wives or children? How many people got high off of what I created and raped or molested somebody? How much money did I get that should have been spent feeding neglected, starving children? How many people overdosed on my drugs?
That is why towards the end of my addiction I was afraid to live. I knew all that I was responsible for, all that I had done, the things that had been done because of my drugs and that evil owned me. I WAS EVIL! Nothing good ever came of drugs, only evil! People in my life were only pawns and I had to use them before they would use me. Nothing good ever came of me, only evil. I hated myself. When I looked into the mirror all I saw was an evil person, a junkie and a convict.
Don't get me wrong, I did not want to be that way. I tried everything secular to get off of drugs and away from alcohol. I was in jails, prison and rehabs. I saw psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors. I was given one mental health diagnosis after another and switched from medication to medication in order to fix me. I was beyond fixing and there was no natural cure.
The problem wasn't that I was broken. I couldn't be fixed. The problem was that I had become evil. Friedrich Nietzsche talks about this, "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." My soul had become corrupted and I was left hopeless. Pretty nasty combination. I was devoid of all hope, and even though I wanted to die I was still here. I could not defeat drugs no matter what I tried and there is a reason for that. There is nothing worldly that can defeat spiritual corruption.
That is all I do now. My life is a 12th step! My transformation has been talked about in multiple blogs on my site Spiritual Spackle. I share about recovery and the power of Christ when ever and where ever I can. I have talked on the radio, television, at colleges, churches, recovery centers, recovery groups (Narcotic's Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, etc.), seminars, conferences and to youth groups. I am now a substance abuse counselor. It is why I am starting a non-profit to share the dangers of addiction and the power of recovery with people across the state, eventually across the country and hopefully the world. Across the world is not out of reach, my blog has been read in almost 100 countries.
GOD HAS PLACED ON MY HEART THE IMPORTANCE OF SHARING THE EVIL OF ADDICTION AND THE WONDERS OF RECOVERY WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS I CAN. Please feel free to repost and share this blog and my site with as many people as you can. We are on facebook under Spiritual Spackle and Better Life in Recovery . Stay tuned as the non-profit BETTER LIFE IN RECOVERY begins to come together and let us know if you can help in any way with it coming to fruition. Here is a link about what we are doing and what our needs are: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/05/better-life-in-recovery-documentary.html I also am a little over half done writing a book that should be out next year about my addiction and what I learned in overcoming it tentatively called Spiritual Spackle.
Thanks for taking the time to read this blog. It is probably the longest I have ever written, but it is also the most honest I have been. Methamphetamine, and addiction in general, are evil and linked to at least 80% of the evil in this world: murders, rape, child abuse, child molestation, suicide, cruelty to animals, etc. We need to bring an end to it, and I am hoping that Better Life in Recovery will help us reach youth with a more effective intervention than what is currently being done.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Tactics by Gregory Koukl Chapter 10 - Taking the Roof Off
Not all points of view commit suicide such as the ones we have looked at in the past couple of chapters. Some of them work against themselves by leading to absurd conclusions if they are broken down. These will not work against themselves as those that commit suicide will, but if we use just a little bit of our brain power we can relate how these points too just do not pass the muster test.
To do this you first must take the other person's point of view. Reduce it to it's most basic assertion. Then you try the idea out and determine if you were to use that view to guide you, where would it take you. Mentally take their view for a test drive. Finally, if it takes you to a place that seems a bit unusual, you point that out to whoever is using that viewpoint.
This method is called Taking the Roof Off by Mr. Koukl. Another way this is know by is reductio ad absurdum. This is a phrase in Latin that means reducing a point to its furthest conclusion. If when doing this you see that the outcome is incoherent or absurd, then you help the person who has that point of view see the faulty logic it ends in.
Take moral relativism, for example. Most who believe in moral relativism don't mind practicing it as long as it is not practiced on them. To believe that cruelty and non cruelty are equal in Hinduism would mean that there is no difference between evil and good, ultimately. How is someone helping your wife broke down on the side of the road the same as someone killing her intentionally? Obviously, that is an extreme example, but those tend to work best to make the point.
Someone who "denies God is living on borrowed capital. He enjoys living as if the world is filled with morality, meaning, order and beauty, yet he denies that God whose existence make such things possible."
There are several different examples given in the book of ideas that are ripe for having their roof taken off. He hits on two very hot topics here, one of them being homosexuality and the other being abortion. These are two very hard topics for many to broach, and he does it well in the book by looking at the arguments given today for these two topics.
In homosexuality it is currently popular to say, "I was born this way." That is all that many feel is needed in order to stem the moral criticisms for homosexuality. The basic argument is that since homosexuality is natural it must be moral. What if scientists some day found a racism gene. Would these same people who reason that homosexuality is natural so it must be moral feel the same way about gay bashers if that too proved to be a naturally occurring gene. Instead, they would probably argue that they should fight the influence of that gene.
Just because an impulse is natural does not mean it's moral. Substance abuse has been found to be genetic. There are many of us who are hardwired to be addicts and alcoholics. That does not give me the right to inject methamphetamine and drive drunk for the rest of my life. I know that it is morally wrong and due to that I have been clean and sober for over 3 years (by the Grace of God!).
Next Greg talked about "Trotting out the Toddler." He said that almost every argument that supports abortion could be used to justify the killing of children that are newly born as well, if taken to their conclusion. How can a 7 inch journey magically transform tissue into a living human being? If someone says that "women have the right to choose" ask if, for the same reason given, she should have the same right to kill her 1 year old? Both are human beings, so the same rule should morally apply to them.
If you should kill a fetus to save it from future abuse or neglect, should you not also kill a two year old to save them from the same thing? After all, that is the logical implication that abortion has. Modified pro-choice is even worse.This is when someone says "I think that it is wrong for me to kill my baby. I would never do that, but it is okay for other women to do what they want." All you have to do is so, "So in effect, you feel that it is okay for women to kill babies?" Just like that, the roof is off, although it can be taken even further using the toddler line of deroofing their argument.
Greg also has many other great examples of how to take the roof off of the arguments of many more arguments in this chapter. If you want to read those, I would highly recommend that you buy the book. I know for me it has been an interesting and informing read so far. I look forward to reading chapter 11 and writing about it. Til then, have a blessed week!
To do this you first must take the other person's point of view. Reduce it to it's most basic assertion. Then you try the idea out and determine if you were to use that view to guide you, where would it take you. Mentally take their view for a test drive. Finally, if it takes you to a place that seems a bit unusual, you point that out to whoever is using that viewpoint.
This method is called Taking the Roof Off by Mr. Koukl. Another way this is know by is reductio ad absurdum. This is a phrase in Latin that means reducing a point to its furthest conclusion. If when doing this you see that the outcome is incoherent or absurd, then you help the person who has that point of view see the faulty logic it ends in.
Take moral relativism, for example. Most who believe in moral relativism don't mind practicing it as long as it is not practiced on them. To believe that cruelty and non cruelty are equal in Hinduism would mean that there is no difference between evil and good, ultimately. How is someone helping your wife broke down on the side of the road the same as someone killing her intentionally? Obviously, that is an extreme example, but those tend to work best to make the point.
Someone who "denies God is living on borrowed capital. He enjoys living as if the world is filled with morality, meaning, order and beauty, yet he denies that God whose existence make such things possible."
There are several different examples given in the book of ideas that are ripe for having their roof taken off. He hits on two very hot topics here, one of them being homosexuality and the other being abortion. These are two very hard topics for many to broach, and he does it well in the book by looking at the arguments given today for these two topics.
In homosexuality it is currently popular to say, "I was born this way." That is all that many feel is needed in order to stem the moral criticisms for homosexuality. The basic argument is that since homosexuality is natural it must be moral. What if scientists some day found a racism gene. Would these same people who reason that homosexuality is natural so it must be moral feel the same way about gay bashers if that too proved to be a naturally occurring gene. Instead, they would probably argue that they should fight the influence of that gene.
Just because an impulse is natural does not mean it's moral. Substance abuse has been found to be genetic. There are many of us who are hardwired to be addicts and alcoholics. That does not give me the right to inject methamphetamine and drive drunk for the rest of my life. I know that it is morally wrong and due to that I have been clean and sober for over 3 years (by the Grace of God!).
Next Greg talked about "Trotting out the Toddler." He said that almost every argument that supports abortion could be used to justify the killing of children that are newly born as well, if taken to their conclusion. How can a 7 inch journey magically transform tissue into a living human being? If someone says that "women have the right to choose" ask if, for the same reason given, she should have the same right to kill her 1 year old? Both are human beings, so the same rule should morally apply to them.
If you should kill a fetus to save it from future abuse or neglect, should you not also kill a two year old to save them from the same thing? After all, that is the logical implication that abortion has. Modified pro-choice is even worse.This is when someone says "I think that it is wrong for me to kill my baby. I would never do that, but it is okay for other women to do what they want." All you have to do is so, "So in effect, you feel that it is okay for women to kill babies?" Just like that, the roof is off, although it can be taken even further using the toddler line of deroofing their argument.
Greg also has many other great examples of how to take the roof off of the arguments of many more arguments in this chapter. If you want to read those, I would highly recommend that you buy the book. I know for me it has been an interesting and informing read so far. I look forward to reading chapter 11 and writing about it. Til then, have a blessed week!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
What Independence Day Means to Me (Mine is January 31st, and again on Easter)
The 4th of July is called Independence Day. It is the day that the United States declared that it would no longer be dependent on Great Britain. The United States, in the Declaration of Independence, told Great Britain that they would no longer be under their control. Most people, when they hear Independence Day automatically think of July 4th. I do not.
There is another date that comes to my mind when I hear the words Independence Day. The date that comes to my mind is January 31st, 2009. You see, when I hear independence my mind as one who is in recovery instantly defines that word. I think of no longer being dependent upon something to be able to function or exist. When I think of independence I think of recovery.
The word recovery was never part of my vocabulary. Not unless I was in a serious car accident or had overdosed, which I did frequently. It was not part of my language because I was what most would consider a lost cause, a lifer. I had been smoking cigarettes, using drugs/alcohol for over 25 years when 2009 rolled around. I was not really expected to change my ways. Most people had given up on me.
It was the same as pretty much every other year when 2009 started, yet at the same time it was really different. I had stopped shooting up in 2001, and had traded out my addiction to drugs for an addiction to alcohol. I could justify that. It was legal, and at least I wasn't doing drugs. Soon my drinking spiraled out of control and by 2009 I would wake up some nights with shakes and have to drink to make the shakes subside so that I could go back to sleep.
My addiction in 2009 was just as bad if not worse than it had ever been. It may have been legal, but I blacked out most nights and frequently drove home when I had no business walking. I am still amazed that I never killed anyone. In all, I have totaled 4 vehicles. The worst accident I had I flew a Firebird 97 feet and got 32 into the air before crashing into trees. Plus, I was still smoking cigarettes, getting into fights, sleeping around, cussing and I was a very outspoken Agnostic.
There were some differences, though. I was a father, which had only happened two years earlier. My father was gone, having committed suicide in February of 2008. I was also fighting with my son's mother over visitation, which was rough. Finally, I had started going to church in Fall of 2008. That was different for me as church was also not in my vocabulary.
I would still adamantly tell you that I was Agnostic, but I was going to church because a couple that were the only friends I thought I had were going there and they had a recovery meeting that I could go to and be honest without seeing clients from the facility that I worked at. I was not going weekly, but I would go there once or twice a month. Then something happened, my Independence Day.
I had left a bar and was on my way home when a police car pulled behind me and began to follow me. He followed me through multiple turns and I began to make deals with God about me not getting pulled over and the things that I would do if He made me getting home safely a reality. Needless to say, He did and I have had to keep my part of the bargain. You can read about that experience here http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/03/impact-that-im-not-who-i-was-by-brandon.html
There is a piece of the Declaration of Independence that also applies here. The founder's of our country said, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." This really applies to all of us who are consumed with life controlling issues.
In my addiction, I had no true life or liberty. I was running from pain and depression, but the truth is without facing them I would never be happy. Freedom is now what you have to do, but what you don't have to do. I had to do drugs, had to drink, had to fight, had to sleep around to feel better about myself and not feel physically ill.
That is just not a good direction for life, but I did not know any better. I did not know any better because I had lived my life with hope in nothing and no one but myself. Well, myself and my addictions. I would have told you that I was Agnostic but that wasn't really true. I had made addiction my god. It was the focus of my every waking thought. If I was not using, I was making plans to and looking forward to it all day.
There is no independence in that life, only dependence. Over the course of my addiction, I tried everything secular that I could find to no avail. Whether it was rehab, prison, 12 step meetings, counseling or medication I always relapsed sooner than later. The longest I went without use was a 3 month stint. That is including the first 30 days that I spent in a residential drug rehabilitation center.
The outcome was always the same, me using. Then one night I was desperate and I prayed to God to help me overcome my addictions. He has kept his part, and I have not smoked a cigarette, drank, used drugs, slept around or gotten into a fight since then. Phillipians 4:13 is right when it says "I can do all things through He who strengthens me." I am living proof.
I hope that you enjoy a great 4th,filled with baseball games, fireworks and BBQ to bless your day. But while you are enjoying your day I also hope you remember that as a Christian you have true independence. Thanks to the sacrifice of Christ you have freedom from sin and by proxy from death, since the wage of sin is death. This above all we must give thanks for.
So although July 4th is the national date that Americans celebrate their country's Independence on, we are not of this world. I appreciate the sacrifices that our troops made back then just as I appreciate the sacrifices that they make today. More than all of those, I appreciate the sacrifice that Christ made 2,000 years ago that bought me independence from death and the promise of everlasting life. I also am forever grateful for the Holy Spirit that has filled, guided and enabled me to stay abstinent since February 1st of 2009.
There is another date that comes to my mind when I hear the words Independence Day. The date that comes to my mind is January 31st, 2009. You see, when I hear independence my mind as one who is in recovery instantly defines that word. I think of no longer being dependent upon something to be able to function or exist. When I think of independence I think of recovery.
The word recovery was never part of my vocabulary. Not unless I was in a serious car accident or had overdosed, which I did frequently. It was not part of my language because I was what most would consider a lost cause, a lifer. I had been smoking cigarettes, using drugs/alcohol for over 25 years when 2009 rolled around. I was not really expected to change my ways. Most people had given up on me.
It was the same as pretty much every other year when 2009 started, yet at the same time it was really different. I had stopped shooting up in 2001, and had traded out my addiction to drugs for an addiction to alcohol. I could justify that. It was legal, and at least I wasn't doing drugs. Soon my drinking spiraled out of control and by 2009 I would wake up some nights with shakes and have to drink to make the shakes subside so that I could go back to sleep.
My addiction in 2009 was just as bad if not worse than it had ever been. It may have been legal, but I blacked out most nights and frequently drove home when I had no business walking. I am still amazed that I never killed anyone. In all, I have totaled 4 vehicles. The worst accident I had I flew a Firebird 97 feet and got 32 into the air before crashing into trees. Plus, I was still smoking cigarettes, getting into fights, sleeping around, cussing and I was a very outspoken Agnostic.
There were some differences, though. I was a father, which had only happened two years earlier. My father was gone, having committed suicide in February of 2008. I was also fighting with my son's mother over visitation, which was rough. Finally, I had started going to church in Fall of 2008. That was different for me as church was also not in my vocabulary.
I would still adamantly tell you that I was Agnostic, but I was going to church because a couple that were the only friends I thought I had were going there and they had a recovery meeting that I could go to and be honest without seeing clients from the facility that I worked at. I was not going weekly, but I would go there once or twice a month. Then something happened, my Independence Day.
I had left a bar and was on my way home when a police car pulled behind me and began to follow me. He followed me through multiple turns and I began to make deals with God about me not getting pulled over and the things that I would do if He made me getting home safely a reality. Needless to say, He did and I have had to keep my part of the bargain. You can read about that experience here http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/03/impact-that-im-not-who-i-was-by-brandon.html
There is a piece of the Declaration of Independence that also applies here. The founder's of our country said, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." This really applies to all of us who are consumed with life controlling issues.
In my addiction, I had no true life or liberty. I was running from pain and depression, but the truth is without facing them I would never be happy. Freedom is now what you have to do, but what you don't have to do. I had to do drugs, had to drink, had to fight, had to sleep around to feel better about myself and not feel physically ill.
That is just not a good direction for life, but I did not know any better. I did not know any better because I had lived my life with hope in nothing and no one but myself. Well, myself and my addictions. I would have told you that I was Agnostic but that wasn't really true. I had made addiction my god. It was the focus of my every waking thought. If I was not using, I was making plans to and looking forward to it all day.
There is no independence in that life, only dependence. Over the course of my addiction, I tried everything secular that I could find to no avail. Whether it was rehab, prison, 12 step meetings, counseling or medication I always relapsed sooner than later. The longest I went without use was a 3 month stint. That is including the first 30 days that I spent in a residential drug rehabilitation center.
The outcome was always the same, me using. Then one night I was desperate and I prayed to God to help me overcome my addictions. He has kept his part, and I have not smoked a cigarette, drank, used drugs, slept around or gotten into a fight since then. Phillipians 4:13 is right when it says "I can do all things through He who strengthens me." I am living proof.
I hope that you enjoy a great 4th,filled with baseball games, fireworks and BBQ to bless your day. But while you are enjoying your day I also hope you remember that as a Christian you have true independence. Thanks to the sacrifice of Christ you have freedom from sin and by proxy from death, since the wage of sin is death. This above all we must give thanks for.
So although July 4th is the national date that Americans celebrate their country's Independence on, we are not of this world. I appreciate the sacrifices that our troops made back then just as I appreciate the sacrifices that they make today. More than all of those, I appreciate the sacrifice that Christ made 2,000 years ago that bought me independence from death and the promise of everlasting life. I also am forever grateful for the Holy Spirit that has filled, guided and enabled me to stay abstinent since February 1st of 2009.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
What is A Moral Failure
I heard today that Pastor Tommy, who I think is an amazing pastor, stepped down as the lead pastor at North Point Church for what was called a "moral failure." I have never heard of a moral failure before, and I will not presume to know what he did or did not do. Everyone else can speculate about what he did. Personally, hearing the news today made me think about the affects that his stepping down could have on some of my friends and clients who go to North Point Church. So, this blog is for all of you.
First, what is a moral failure? As someone who is in recovery, I would imagine it is what I would call a relapse. If you are on parole you call it recidivism. Others might label it sin, character flaws, stumbling, sexual indiscretions or any number of other things. Bottom line, you messed up! That might be the best way to say moral failure, really. For the purpose of this blog moral failure will be referred to as relapse.
So, what is a relapse? Imagine you have sworn off something: drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, premarital sex, cheesecake, cutting yourself, cussing, etc. You are off to a good start. A good start is labeled differently by different people for different transgressions. It might be 4 hours, a day, a month or 10 years without a relapse. You are kicking butt and taking names, and all of a sudden you do it again.
One day you find yourself smoking that cigarette you swore off, or having sex with someone other than your spouse and breaking your wedding vows. All that you can think is, "How could this have happened?" You want to know how? In the program they say that addiction is cunning, baffling and strong. I think that addiction and the devil are synonymous, and they are experts at what they do.
At one time Satan was in control of my life. I was his soldier, and my lifestyle carried out his bidding. I had actually made drugs my god. When I got saved, the devil was kicked out of my life. He was no longer the main focus. That said, he is still there. Remember, the biggest trick the devil can pull off is convincing us that he no longer exists. When we do that, we immediately let him back into our lives.
Even if you are aware of him, remember that he is still aware of you too. Right now the devil is in the back of your head. Satan is lifting weights, running on the treadmill and doing research on the internet. He is getting stronger and smarter with only one goal. The Devil wants to get back into your life! He wants to move from the back of your brain and into the front of your brain.
The sad thing is that Satan has a plethora of tools at his disposal. This is his world and he knows it well. He can use your friends and family. He can use the television or the radio. He can use the gas station or even church. If you stop sleeping around, he will use porn. If you stop doing drugs, he will come at you with energy drinks. If you swear off R-Rated movies, he will come at you from the television and the radio. He does not like to lose. The devil will stop at nothing to have you back. He will use any one, any thing and any place to accomplish that goal!
He will also use the people that we put upon a pedestal. For some that may be Pastor Tommy, and that is what scares me for some of my clients. They attend North Point and they have elevated Tommy to hero status. The problem with heros is that they are still human. My experience with hero worship was my sponsor in Narcotic's Anonymous. He had 11 years clean and had been my sponsor for 7 years when he relapsed. It started harmlessly, he drank a couple of O'Douls at a bachelor party. Two weeks later he was shooting up heroin.
How could that happen? How could someone with that much clean time fall off the wagon? I'll tell you how, because we all are capable of messing up if we let our guard down for one minute. Putting someone on a pedestal is always a mistake, because we all slip sometimes. Romans 3:23 says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." That means everyone, even a favorite parent or your pastor, makes mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes.
Look in the Bible. David slept with a married women then had her husband put into the front lines and abandoned so that he would die. Peter denied Christ 3 times. Paul wrote over half of the New Testament, and in Romans 7 he said that he wanted to do good things, but found himself not doing them. Instead, he found himself doing evil things that he didn't want to do.
So when someone messes up, what should we do? Should we humiliate them, or abandon them? Should we avoid them and talk poorly about them? Should we pray for them and offer our support? I would advise the latter. We should pray for them, and if it does not jeopardize us we should be there for them, also. I have told friends that I could not meet them at their house where I knew they were using, but that if they wanted to meet me at an NA meeting I would talk to them after it. Be safe, but be supportive!!
When someone has a relapse, I always remember the saying but for the grace of God, there go I. I could just as easily have suffered the same fate if not for God's mercy. I need to appreciate what I have and remember that God loves us all, even the sinner. 1 Timothy 1:15 reminds us that Christ came into the world to save sinners. We all have the ability to sin, to mess up, to relapse. So how do we protect ourselves from a relapse?
It requires a mentor/sponsor, accountability partners, working the 12 steps/living Biblically and actually applying them in our lives. We need to avoid places, people and situations that are dangerous. We need to read the Bible, truly study it and apply it. We also need to pray constantly. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says that we are to "pray without ceasing." We should always be in contact with God. Why is this important?
Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through He who strengthens me." Without Christ I was weak and a servant of Satan. With Christ I have overcame my addictions and have been able to share my faith, hope and recovery with others. That has been done, not by forgetting the Devil is there, but instead doing everything that I can to keep him at bay.
So I hope that my friends and associates who go to North Point are not shattered by the latest development there. Instead I hope that it reminds them how easy it can be to make mistakes. Hopefully they will focus more on their relationship with Christ and what they can do to make that relationship stronger.
When my sponsor relapsed, it did several things to me. First, it reminded me how strong addiction and by proxy Satan are. Second, it made me remember that my addiction doesn't take a day off, and neither should my recovery. I have to daily do things to build my sobriety and my relationship with Christ. That is because I know that Satan is using new tricks every day to get back into my life. As long as I stay prepared and vigilant, he will fail.
After my sponsor relapsed I was there for him with prayer and encouragement to help him back up. We talked daily and met at meetings several times a week. He had done so much for me, and I was blessed to be able to repay a small part of what he had done for me back to him. I am sure people feel the same way about Tommy. He has helped thousands. I hope that everyone remembers all that he and his family have done for them and that prayer and support rains down upon Tommy, his family and the North Point Community.
First, what is a moral failure? As someone who is in recovery, I would imagine it is what I would call a relapse. If you are on parole you call it recidivism. Others might label it sin, character flaws, stumbling, sexual indiscretions or any number of other things. Bottom line, you messed up! That might be the best way to say moral failure, really. For the purpose of this blog moral failure will be referred to as relapse.
So, what is a relapse? Imagine you have sworn off something: drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, premarital sex, cheesecake, cutting yourself, cussing, etc. You are off to a good start. A good start is labeled differently by different people for different transgressions. It might be 4 hours, a day, a month or 10 years without a relapse. You are kicking butt and taking names, and all of a sudden you do it again.
One day you find yourself smoking that cigarette you swore off, or having sex with someone other than your spouse and breaking your wedding vows. All that you can think is, "How could this have happened?" You want to know how? In the program they say that addiction is cunning, baffling and strong. I think that addiction and the devil are synonymous, and they are experts at what they do.
At one time Satan was in control of my life. I was his soldier, and my lifestyle carried out his bidding. I had actually made drugs my god. When I got saved, the devil was kicked out of my life. He was no longer the main focus. That said, he is still there. Remember, the biggest trick the devil can pull off is convincing us that he no longer exists. When we do that, we immediately let him back into our lives.
Even if you are aware of him, remember that he is still aware of you too. Right now the devil is in the back of your head. Satan is lifting weights, running on the treadmill and doing research on the internet. He is getting stronger and smarter with only one goal. The Devil wants to get back into your life! He wants to move from the back of your brain and into the front of your brain.
The sad thing is that Satan has a plethora of tools at his disposal. This is his world and he knows it well. He can use your friends and family. He can use the television or the radio. He can use the gas station or even church. If you stop sleeping around, he will use porn. If you stop doing drugs, he will come at you with energy drinks. If you swear off R-Rated movies, he will come at you from the television and the radio. He does not like to lose. The devil will stop at nothing to have you back. He will use any one, any thing and any place to accomplish that goal!
He will also use the people that we put upon a pedestal. For some that may be Pastor Tommy, and that is what scares me for some of my clients. They attend North Point and they have elevated Tommy to hero status. The problem with heros is that they are still human. My experience with hero worship was my sponsor in Narcotic's Anonymous. He had 11 years clean and had been my sponsor for 7 years when he relapsed. It started harmlessly, he drank a couple of O'Douls at a bachelor party. Two weeks later he was shooting up heroin.
How could that happen? How could someone with that much clean time fall off the wagon? I'll tell you how, because we all are capable of messing up if we let our guard down for one minute. Putting someone on a pedestal is always a mistake, because we all slip sometimes. Romans 3:23 says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." That means everyone, even a favorite parent or your pastor, makes mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes.
Look in the Bible. David slept with a married women then had her husband put into the front lines and abandoned so that he would die. Peter denied Christ 3 times. Paul wrote over half of the New Testament, and in Romans 7 he said that he wanted to do good things, but found himself not doing them. Instead, he found himself doing evil things that he didn't want to do.
So when someone messes up, what should we do? Should we humiliate them, or abandon them? Should we avoid them and talk poorly about them? Should we pray for them and offer our support? I would advise the latter. We should pray for them, and if it does not jeopardize us we should be there for them, also. I have told friends that I could not meet them at their house where I knew they were using, but that if they wanted to meet me at an NA meeting I would talk to them after it. Be safe, but be supportive!!
When someone has a relapse, I always remember the saying but for the grace of God, there go I. I could just as easily have suffered the same fate if not for God's mercy. I need to appreciate what I have and remember that God loves us all, even the sinner. 1 Timothy 1:15 reminds us that Christ came into the world to save sinners. We all have the ability to sin, to mess up, to relapse. So how do we protect ourselves from a relapse?
It requires a mentor/sponsor, accountability partners, working the 12 steps/living Biblically and actually applying them in our lives. We need to avoid places, people and situations that are dangerous. We need to read the Bible, truly study it and apply it. We also need to pray constantly. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says that we are to "pray without ceasing." We should always be in contact with God. Why is this important?
Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through He who strengthens me." Without Christ I was weak and a servant of Satan. With Christ I have overcame my addictions and have been able to share my faith, hope and recovery with others. That has been done, not by forgetting the Devil is there, but instead doing everything that I can to keep him at bay.
So I hope that my friends and associates who go to North Point are not shattered by the latest development there. Instead I hope that it reminds them how easy it can be to make mistakes. Hopefully they will focus more on their relationship with Christ and what they can do to make that relationship stronger.
When my sponsor relapsed, it did several things to me. First, it reminded me how strong addiction and by proxy Satan are. Second, it made me remember that my addiction doesn't take a day off, and neither should my recovery. I have to daily do things to build my sobriety and my relationship with Christ. That is because I know that Satan is using new tricks every day to get back into my life. As long as I stay prepared and vigilant, he will fail.
After my sponsor relapsed I was there for him with prayer and encouragement to help him back up. We talked daily and met at meetings several times a week. He had done so much for me, and I was blessed to be able to repay a small part of what he had done for me back to him. I am sure people feel the same way about Tommy. He has helped thousands. I hope that everyone remembers all that he and his family have done for them and that prayer and support rains down upon Tommy, his family and the North Point Community.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
All Alone
I started watching a movie called The Beaver that I figured would be cheesy. Instead, I found myself with a tear in my eye at the end because it reminded me of something. As the father and son hugged at the end, it made me remember that I will never again be able to hug my dad. He is gone, and has been for several years now. What the movie did was remind me of my own father. There were some similarities.
My father was mentally ill. He was Bi-Polar, and he would go from beyond happy to morbidly depressed. There was seldom an in-between. He did not have good or bad days. He had great or horrific days. I guess that over time it ate at him. Eventually it destroyed him. You can not live long as a Yo-Yo. Eventually your string breaks.
My dad had a habit of coming down from the happy highs and crashing immediately into great depressions, then he would shoot back up to the highs. He cycled like this for years. He would crash into the depression or his high would be so intense that he would have to be institutionalized. While in the hospital, my dad would get stabilized on medication. He would get out and do great on his medication. Life would be great and he would be normal, or at least as normal as a mentally ill Superman can get. After all, to me my dad was Superman!
Every time his world would come crashing down and they would rebuild it with medication and let him out. He always did great for a while. Then he would begin to believe that he did not need the medication, so he would stop taking it. He would do okay for months, then he would start the cycle all over again. Whether up or down, his roller coaster would begin and over the next year or two he would race up just to crash down until eventually he would get institutionalized. There his roller coaster would come to a stop.
Just to start all over again
And again
And again.
His last episode was not very different than all of the previous ones. He was on a manic episode and he came up to see me in Springfield from Florida. He came up for my graduation from college. The first of his kids to graduate and he wanted to see it. Not only was I graduating, but my girlfriend was on the verge of delivering his first grandchild. A grandson. Dad was excited.
Being excited while in the midst of a manic episode is a recipe for disaster. Not just for him, but for every one and everything that he was in contact with. He had bought a car in California after he flew out there to see his brother, and tried to drive it to Springfield. He was oblivious to anything extraneous. All that he knew was to keep gas in the car. He never checked the oil, and the engine blew. He left the car where it died and got a ticket on a Grey Hound. I came to pick him up at the station when he got to Springfield.
As I walked up behind my dad at the terminal to pick him up, he was in a group of 5 or 6 guys talking. The group was black and latino. He was the sole white person. The entire group was laughing as my dad was telling jokes in a fake accent. He turned and saw me, still speaking in this over the top Texas drawl.
He told them it was time to go, and they seemed to hate seeing him leave. All of the guys hugged my dad goodbye. That was my dad, he never met a stranger and everyone liked him. He was not just Superman to me, but to a lot of other people. When he was on his game you felt better just for talking to him. They had.
As we left he told me that he had faked the drawl the whole time he was on the bus, and everyone was convinced that he was from Texas. That was when I knew that I was in for a show. As he proceeded to talk to me in rhymes, I knew that the mania was bad. When it was bad he was always going, always. He stayed with me and my girlfriend, and he was always busy. Shopping and jogging, spending and running. That was my dad manic.
He was also stressful because when he was around he did not know when to stop. He would talk and take everything to far. If he was asked to stop, he would just keep on going. When depressed he would never start. When manic he would go for for eternity, or at least that was how it seemed. And he was manic. Don't get me wrong, not all was bad, though. His visit was a mixed bag.
He was there for my graduation. I was glad.
He was there and I was no longer on drugs. I was glad.
He was there and I was still drinking. He was not very happy about that one.
He was there and I was smoking cigarettes. He was not happy about that either.
He was there and I was still Agnostic. That may have been the worse thing I was doing in his eyes.
He asked if he could stay with me until his grandson was born. I told him okay. After all, we were only 10 weeks away. But he started to get worse. He was up constantly stressing me out. Starting fights with me over absolutely nothing. He would agitate me. That was hard for me to deal with, but he was my dad. I could take almost anything.
Almost.
Then he began to annoy and agitate my girlfriend, who was in her third trimester. I talked to him about not stressing her out, and he continued. Finally, I had enough. I told my dad that he had to go. I let him know that he was stressing out the mother of my unborn child, and I would not stand for that. I told my dad that he was leaving now. His suitcases were packed and waiting at the door.
"You are no longer welcome in my house." That was the last sentence I said to him that day. Today, those words still bounce in my head and ring in my ears. Little did I know, those would be the last words I would every speak face to face to my dad.
He listened.
He left.
He ended up taking a trip around the country. First he went to see his brother. He made him mad enough to tell him to leave. He visited his sisters, who he also enraged and subsequently they told him to go. He visited good friends all over the country, and he made all of them angry enough that he wore out his welcome everywhere. Even his wife divorced him, and she took the dog.
One night I got a call from him. It was February 11th. He sounded really down, but he made sure to let me know that he was proud of me. We talked about his grandson, who was born premature but was doing fine. We talked about his son, his ex-wife that he still talked to a lot and the debt he had amassed over the past year.
I let him know how depressed he sounded, and he told me that he was really down. He never left the house. All he did was lay on the couch and watch the television. He told me that he was having trouble pulling out this depression. He said that he had thought about suicide but that he did not have the means to do it.
He was upset that he had never gotten to meet DJ, his grandson. He was feeling overwhelmed because he had ran up lots of credit cards on his last manic episode. He was over $100,000 in debt and he was on disability. He would never get it paid off. He did not have a vehicle or the money to get one. He missed his dog, and he missed my little brother Tyler who was living with his ex-wife. He got to see him but not as much as he used to. Finally, he hated that he was living in a trailer. He said that he felt like "white trash."
I tried to cheer him up. I talked to him about getting a puppy. It would give him another dog, and walking it daily would get him out of the house. I reminded him that when my first year of grad school was over in 3 months that we were flying down to Florida and he would get to meet his grandson. I talked about when the next time Tyler was coming over and what they would do. We talked for an hour, and at the end he told me that he would leave the house the next day and get outside for a while.
"I promise."
The next night I was woken up by a county sheriff. He told me that something had happened to my dad. I needed to call a detective in Florida and talk to him. I asked the sheriff if he knew how my dad had killed himself. He said that he had no details, but I knew. I knew my dad had killed himself. I replayed our conversation and wondered what I could have done different. I should have made him promise not to kill himself. Instead, he had promised he would leave the house.
He didn't lie.
He did leave the house. He left and went shopping. He got two different kinds of insecticide and Tang drink mix. He came home and he mixed the two insecticides together with the drink mix. He used it to wash down several bottles of pills that he was prescribed for sleep, depression and to stabilize his mood swings. When the pain became too extreme he slashed his wrist. His game was finished, he was done.
He was ready to die.
You could tell that when the detective showed me the pictures from the security camera. They were of my dad buying the Tang and insecticide. He was smiling. He knew that the roller coaster ride that had been his life would be over soon. He was retiring his car. He could have peace, and that was all that he ever wanted.
Peace.
Looking back I see that the entire year was orchestrated. He saw everybody that loved him and infuriated them to the point of them telling him to leave. That way, he could justify what he did at the very end. He could feel that he was all alone and no one cared. I tried to screw that up in our last phone call. It didn't work. My little brother loved him and would come over to visit. That did not work either.
It was simply not enough.
My dad forgot something, though. He forgot that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. My baby brother was 13 when he walked into my dad's house and found him dead in the kitchen. That will live with him forever. I have family members that are still angry at my dad for taking his own life. There are still tears cried by a lot of us 4 years later.
Me? I am constantly haunted by the last words I ever said to my dad's face. They pop up with seemingly no provocation. Why? Because YOU NEVER GET A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE A LAST IMPRESSION. I am jealous of my niece because she got to meet my dad. My son never did. In fact, my son and soon to be born daughter never will. I will never have pictures of them together and they will never get to meet the coolest guy I ever knew.
Plus I am haunted by our last phone conversation. After all, I had a Bachelors in Psychology and Sociology and was in my second semester of grad school for Social Work. I should have known better. If it was a client I would have put him in the hospital for a 96 hour observation.
But he wasn't a client, he was my dad.
I have worked through it. I will never agree with suicide, but if he was that miserable I am glad that he is no longer suffering. I know how I am supposed to act in this situation, and what I would tell friends and clients. In fact, I know what I have told them. But that was them, this is me. It's different.
Over time I have come to see his death as another tool that I can use to help others. It gives me an empathy that I did not have before. I know what loss and horror feel like when you are sober and not doing drugs. I also know how it carves a hole in your heart when you work through intense loss sober.
I realize that I cannot change the past, and beating myself up over it does me no good. Not one time travel movie that I have ever seen impacted the person positively. Real life would be no different. Instead we learn to take those experiences and they make us stronger and wiser. We assimilate them into our very essence and grow.
My dad's death ended in my drinking spiraling out of control. How I stayed in graduate school and still maintained a 3.8 I will never know. I do know that my drinking led me to greater depths. In the end it combined with my break-up to leave me hopeless and void. Being hopeless led me to searching for purpose and meaning.
I found hope in Christ.
I found purpose and meaning in God. Out of my father's suicide I found life. I have been able to use that experience and many of my other past life experiences to help some find hope and to lead others to Christ. Out of his tragedy, great things have and will happen. Life's experiences make us one of two things, bitter or better. I choose better.
But as I watched the movie, the father's sanity returns and he realizes that his children do love him. He is not all alone. Tears of joy roll out of his eyes as he hugs his son. That is the part of the movie that made my eyes well up with tears. It hurts that in the end my dad felt all alone, like no one loved him. Plus, he left casualties. His entire family was forever impacted. From my brother who found him to his wife who divorced him to the son who told him that he was no longer welcome in his house.
He not only hurt us but he hurt himself. The kind of hurt that makes you take your own life. I would say that I cannot imagine that kind of pain, but I have slashed my wrists before too. Luckily, my sister found me passed out in a pool of blood while there was still time to save me. My father was found much too late.
All alone
In a pool of blood
My dad died on his terms.
It will forever impact my life.
My father was mentally ill. He was Bi-Polar, and he would go from beyond happy to morbidly depressed. There was seldom an in-between. He did not have good or bad days. He had great or horrific days. I guess that over time it ate at him. Eventually it destroyed him. You can not live long as a Yo-Yo. Eventually your string breaks.
My dad had a habit of coming down from the happy highs and crashing immediately into great depressions, then he would shoot back up to the highs. He cycled like this for years. He would crash into the depression or his high would be so intense that he would have to be institutionalized. While in the hospital, my dad would get stabilized on medication. He would get out and do great on his medication. Life would be great and he would be normal, or at least as normal as a mentally ill Superman can get. After all, to me my dad was Superman!
Every time his world would come crashing down and they would rebuild it with medication and let him out. He always did great for a while. Then he would begin to believe that he did not need the medication, so he would stop taking it. He would do okay for months, then he would start the cycle all over again. Whether up or down, his roller coaster would begin and over the next year or two he would race up just to crash down until eventually he would get institutionalized. There his roller coaster would come to a stop.
Just to start all over again
And again
And again.
His last episode was not very different than all of the previous ones. He was on a manic episode and he came up to see me in Springfield from Florida. He came up for my graduation from college. The first of his kids to graduate and he wanted to see it. Not only was I graduating, but my girlfriend was on the verge of delivering his first grandchild. A grandson. Dad was excited.
Being excited while in the midst of a manic episode is a recipe for disaster. Not just for him, but for every one and everything that he was in contact with. He had bought a car in California after he flew out there to see his brother, and tried to drive it to Springfield. He was oblivious to anything extraneous. All that he knew was to keep gas in the car. He never checked the oil, and the engine blew. He left the car where it died and got a ticket on a Grey Hound. I came to pick him up at the station when he got to Springfield.
As I walked up behind my dad at the terminal to pick him up, he was in a group of 5 or 6 guys talking. The group was black and latino. He was the sole white person. The entire group was laughing as my dad was telling jokes in a fake accent. He turned and saw me, still speaking in this over the top Texas drawl.
He told them it was time to go, and they seemed to hate seeing him leave. All of the guys hugged my dad goodbye. That was my dad, he never met a stranger and everyone liked him. He was not just Superman to me, but to a lot of other people. When he was on his game you felt better just for talking to him. They had.
As we left he told me that he had faked the drawl the whole time he was on the bus, and everyone was convinced that he was from Texas. That was when I knew that I was in for a show. As he proceeded to talk to me in rhymes, I knew that the mania was bad. When it was bad he was always going, always. He stayed with me and my girlfriend, and he was always busy. Shopping and jogging, spending and running. That was my dad manic.
He was also stressful because when he was around he did not know when to stop. He would talk and take everything to far. If he was asked to stop, he would just keep on going. When depressed he would never start. When manic he would go for for eternity, or at least that was how it seemed. And he was manic. Don't get me wrong, not all was bad, though. His visit was a mixed bag.
He was there for my graduation. I was glad.
He was there and I was no longer on drugs. I was glad.
He was there and I was still drinking. He was not very happy about that one.
He was there and I was smoking cigarettes. He was not happy about that either.
He was there and I was still Agnostic. That may have been the worse thing I was doing in his eyes.
He asked if he could stay with me until his grandson was born. I told him okay. After all, we were only 10 weeks away. But he started to get worse. He was up constantly stressing me out. Starting fights with me over absolutely nothing. He would agitate me. That was hard for me to deal with, but he was my dad. I could take almost anything.
Almost.
Then he began to annoy and agitate my girlfriend, who was in her third trimester. I talked to him about not stressing her out, and he continued. Finally, I had enough. I told my dad that he had to go. I let him know that he was stressing out the mother of my unborn child, and I would not stand for that. I told my dad that he was leaving now. His suitcases were packed and waiting at the door.
"You are no longer welcome in my house." That was the last sentence I said to him that day. Today, those words still bounce in my head and ring in my ears. Little did I know, those would be the last words I would every speak face to face to my dad.
He listened.
He left.
He ended up taking a trip around the country. First he went to see his brother. He made him mad enough to tell him to leave. He visited his sisters, who he also enraged and subsequently they told him to go. He visited good friends all over the country, and he made all of them angry enough that he wore out his welcome everywhere. Even his wife divorced him, and she took the dog.
One night I got a call from him. It was February 11th. He sounded really down, but he made sure to let me know that he was proud of me. We talked about his grandson, who was born premature but was doing fine. We talked about his son, his ex-wife that he still talked to a lot and the debt he had amassed over the past year.
I let him know how depressed he sounded, and he told me that he was really down. He never left the house. All he did was lay on the couch and watch the television. He told me that he was having trouble pulling out this depression. He said that he had thought about suicide but that he did not have the means to do it.
He was upset that he had never gotten to meet DJ, his grandson. He was feeling overwhelmed because he had ran up lots of credit cards on his last manic episode. He was over $100,000 in debt and he was on disability. He would never get it paid off. He did not have a vehicle or the money to get one. He missed his dog, and he missed my little brother Tyler who was living with his ex-wife. He got to see him but not as much as he used to. Finally, he hated that he was living in a trailer. He said that he felt like "white trash."
I tried to cheer him up. I talked to him about getting a puppy. It would give him another dog, and walking it daily would get him out of the house. I reminded him that when my first year of grad school was over in 3 months that we were flying down to Florida and he would get to meet his grandson. I talked about when the next time Tyler was coming over and what they would do. We talked for an hour, and at the end he told me that he would leave the house the next day and get outside for a while.
"I promise."
The next night I was woken up by a county sheriff. He told me that something had happened to my dad. I needed to call a detective in Florida and talk to him. I asked the sheriff if he knew how my dad had killed himself. He said that he had no details, but I knew. I knew my dad had killed himself. I replayed our conversation and wondered what I could have done different. I should have made him promise not to kill himself. Instead, he had promised he would leave the house.
He didn't lie.
He did leave the house. He left and went shopping. He got two different kinds of insecticide and Tang drink mix. He came home and he mixed the two insecticides together with the drink mix. He used it to wash down several bottles of pills that he was prescribed for sleep, depression and to stabilize his mood swings. When the pain became too extreme he slashed his wrist. His game was finished, he was done.
He was ready to die.
You could tell that when the detective showed me the pictures from the security camera. They were of my dad buying the Tang and insecticide. He was smiling. He knew that the roller coaster ride that had been his life would be over soon. He was retiring his car. He could have peace, and that was all that he ever wanted.
Peace.
Looking back I see that the entire year was orchestrated. He saw everybody that loved him and infuriated them to the point of them telling him to leave. That way, he could justify what he did at the very end. He could feel that he was all alone and no one cared. I tried to screw that up in our last phone call. It didn't work. My little brother loved him and would come over to visit. That did not work either.
It was simply not enough.
My dad forgot something, though. He forgot that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. My baby brother was 13 when he walked into my dad's house and found him dead in the kitchen. That will live with him forever. I have family members that are still angry at my dad for taking his own life. There are still tears cried by a lot of us 4 years later.
Me? I am constantly haunted by the last words I ever said to my dad's face. They pop up with seemingly no provocation. Why? Because YOU NEVER GET A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE A LAST IMPRESSION. I am jealous of my niece because she got to meet my dad. My son never did. In fact, my son and soon to be born daughter never will. I will never have pictures of them together and they will never get to meet the coolest guy I ever knew.
Plus I am haunted by our last phone conversation. After all, I had a Bachelors in Psychology and Sociology and was in my second semester of grad school for Social Work. I should have known better. If it was a client I would have put him in the hospital for a 96 hour observation.
But he wasn't a client, he was my dad.
I have worked through it. I will never agree with suicide, but if he was that miserable I am glad that he is no longer suffering. I know how I am supposed to act in this situation, and what I would tell friends and clients. In fact, I know what I have told them. But that was them, this is me. It's different.
Over time I have come to see his death as another tool that I can use to help others. It gives me an empathy that I did not have before. I know what loss and horror feel like when you are sober and not doing drugs. I also know how it carves a hole in your heart when you work through intense loss sober.
I realize that I cannot change the past, and beating myself up over it does me no good. Not one time travel movie that I have ever seen impacted the person positively. Real life would be no different. Instead we learn to take those experiences and they make us stronger and wiser. We assimilate them into our very essence and grow.
My dad's death ended in my drinking spiraling out of control. How I stayed in graduate school and still maintained a 3.8 I will never know. I do know that my drinking led me to greater depths. In the end it combined with my break-up to leave me hopeless and void. Being hopeless led me to searching for purpose and meaning.
I found hope in Christ.
I found purpose and meaning in God. Out of my father's suicide I found life. I have been able to use that experience and many of my other past life experiences to help some find hope and to lead others to Christ. Out of his tragedy, great things have and will happen. Life's experiences make us one of two things, bitter or better. I choose better.
But as I watched the movie, the father's sanity returns and he realizes that his children do love him. He is not all alone. Tears of joy roll out of his eyes as he hugs his son. That is the part of the movie that made my eyes well up with tears. It hurts that in the end my dad felt all alone, like no one loved him. Plus, he left casualties. His entire family was forever impacted. From my brother who found him to his wife who divorced him to the son who told him that he was no longer welcome in his house.
He not only hurt us but he hurt himself. The kind of hurt that makes you take your own life. I would say that I cannot imagine that kind of pain, but I have slashed my wrists before too. Luckily, my sister found me passed out in a pool of blood while there was still time to save me. My father was found much too late.
All alone
In a pool of blood
My dad died on his terms.
It will forever impact my life.
Friday, June 22, 2012
It's Hard to Stay Clean When You're Standing in the Mud
So now you have decided to get clean. You realize it is not going to be easy, but you are going to go to a residential rehabilition center for 20 days to start your sobriety off right. Then when you complete residential you are going to go to Narcotics Anonymous (or Alcoholics Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, Reformers Unanimous, etc.). You are going to work the 12 steps with a sponsor that you will find, or maybe already have.
"I am going to have a sponsor, a mentor, accountability partners, go to recovery meetings, church and work the 12 steps," you tell yourself and anybody that will listen. "This time, it is going to be different. This time, I am going to stay clean and sober when I get out of rehab!"
As a substance abuse counselor, I can't tell you how many times I hear this said by people who completely mean it. They are done with drugs and alcohol for a myriad of reasons. They might have had their children removed by Children's Division, or they have been arrested. Sometimes they are in drug court, or they have come to the realization that the next time they relapse will be the one that kills them. Maybe they just want their old life back.
Having these reasons listed in the last paragraph coupled with the supports in the paragraph second paragraph would seem to be enough to accomplish long-term sobriety. Nope!! For some reason, many people fail after leaving residential and they almost all tend to have the same thing in common. In fact, I know that a lot of my clients will relapse before they even leave residential treatment. I even let them know. A lot of times the other clients even let them know what they need to change, but yet they still do it.
So what is it? What is this thing that time and time again causes people to relapse, even after they are warned multiple times about it? I call it mud. And it is hard to stay clean when you are standing in the mud! So what is it that I call mud? Some would call it love, other's familiarity. Basically, it is the relationships that we have in our lives. It could be your best friend since kindergarten. It could be the person you have been dating for several years. It could be your spouse, your sibling or even a parent. It could be their house or the bar.
It could be anyone or any place, but they all have one thing in common. They are bad for your recovery because they are still engaged in substance abuse, alcoholism or criminal activities or they are happening there. You have got to get rid of these people. Family, you can love them from a distance. Friends and significant others, you just have to let them go.
There is a reason for this. Your addiction is in the back of your head: lifting weights, running on a treadmill and doing research on a computer. It is getting stronger and smarter, just looking for a way to get back into the front of your head. It will use any means necessary to get you to relapse, especially our old playmates. If you are around it, you will do it. The question no longer becomes whether or not you will relapse, but instead WHEN WILL YOU RELAPSE? It is inevitable.
The Bible says bad association spoils useful habits. I think of a song by Rascal Flatts called "Moving On." In the song they say, "I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different but they're always the same. They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change. But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong, I'm moving on!" If you want your life to change, you have to change it. You have to move on, staying rooted to people and places spells doom!
If you continue to live in addiction and chaos you will get caught up eventually, guaranteed. Like the program says, if you sit around a barber shop eventually you're going to get a hair cut. I say, if you sit around the mud long enough, eventually your going to get dirty! The reason is that your addiction is strong and it just gets stronger. It never takes a day off! Drugs and alcohol are everywhere, and if you stay around people who are still using or go to places where people use, eventually you will too.
If you want your life to change, you have to change everything about it. You cannot hold on to any one part of your life, or the Devil will use that to find a way back into your life. So how do we combat our addiction? There are a few steps that we have to take. If we take them, I have never seen anyone that was doing all of these fail:
"I am going to have a sponsor, a mentor, accountability partners, go to recovery meetings, church and work the 12 steps," you tell yourself and anybody that will listen. "This time, it is going to be different. This time, I am going to stay clean and sober when I get out of rehab!"
As a substance abuse counselor, I can't tell you how many times I hear this said by people who completely mean it. They are done with drugs and alcohol for a myriad of reasons. They might have had their children removed by Children's Division, or they have been arrested. Sometimes they are in drug court, or they have come to the realization that the next time they relapse will be the one that kills them. Maybe they just want their old life back.
Having these reasons listed in the last paragraph coupled with the supports in the paragraph second paragraph would seem to be enough to accomplish long-term sobriety. Nope!! For some reason, many people fail after leaving residential and they almost all tend to have the same thing in common. In fact, I know that a lot of my clients will relapse before they even leave residential treatment. I even let them know. A lot of times the other clients even let them know what they need to change, but yet they still do it.
So what is it? What is this thing that time and time again causes people to relapse, even after they are warned multiple times about it? I call it mud. And it is hard to stay clean when you are standing in the mud! So what is it that I call mud? Some would call it love, other's familiarity. Basically, it is the relationships that we have in our lives. It could be your best friend since kindergarten. It could be the person you have been dating for several years. It could be your spouse, your sibling or even a parent. It could be their house or the bar.
It could be anyone or any place, but they all have one thing in common. They are bad for your recovery because they are still engaged in substance abuse, alcoholism or criminal activities or they are happening there. You have got to get rid of these people. Family, you can love them from a distance. Friends and significant others, you just have to let them go.
There is a reason for this. Your addiction is in the back of your head: lifting weights, running on a treadmill and doing research on a computer. It is getting stronger and smarter, just looking for a way to get back into the front of your head. It will use any means necessary to get you to relapse, especially our old playmates. If you are around it, you will do it. The question no longer becomes whether or not you will relapse, but instead WHEN WILL YOU RELAPSE? It is inevitable.
The Bible says bad association spoils useful habits. I think of a song by Rascal Flatts called "Moving On." In the song they say, "I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different but they're always the same. They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change. But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong, I'm moving on!" If you want your life to change, you have to change it. You have to move on, staying rooted to people and places spells doom!
If you continue to live in addiction and chaos you will get caught up eventually, guaranteed. Like the program says, if you sit around a barber shop eventually you're going to get a hair cut. I say, if you sit around the mud long enough, eventually your going to get dirty! The reason is that your addiction is strong and it just gets stronger. It never takes a day off! Drugs and alcohol are everywhere, and if you stay around people who are still using or go to places where people use, eventually you will too.
If you want your life to change, you have to change everything about it. You cannot hold on to any one part of your life, or the Devil will use that to find a way back into your life. So how do we combat our addiction? There are a few steps that we have to take. If we take them, I have never seen anyone that was doing all of these fail:
- Put God first in everything that you do! This means we pray, read the Bible and meditate daily!
- Attend recovery meetings consistently (NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery, Living Free, etc.)
- Get a sponsor or mentor
- Work the 12 steps with that sponsor/mentor
- Apply the 12 steps to our lives (Knowing and doing are 2 completely different things!)
- Get accountability partners
- Get rid of your old playmates
- Stay away from your old playgrounds
- Find positive playmates and new playgrounds to frequent (We need to fill our lives with positive people and things, or the negative people and activities will find their way back into our lives)
Friday, June 15, 2012
Tactics by Gregory Koukl Chapter 9: Sibling Rivalry and Infanticide
Ther are many reasons that someone point of view can self-destruct. So far, you have covered two of them: Formal suicide and Practical Suicide. Today we will talk about two more self-defeating views: Sibling Rivalry and Infanticide. When someone has two objections that conflict, you have the Sibling Rivalry. If, on the other hand, someone's view is built upon a previous concept that disqualifies their view, then you have Infanticide.
In conversation sometimes, you will hear something that sounds strange. You will hear objections used by the same person that are not consistent with each other. Since they cannot both be valid, you only have to do half the work. A reasonable person will concede on at least one of their arguments, when they are pointed out to them. Sometimes they will silence both of their arguments when they are shown to be in conflict.
An example of Sibling Rivalry would be someone who looks at the world today and is angered. They read about someone who has abused children or a dictator killing innocent people and say, "A good, loving God would never let this happen." Yet when those same people hear that some will be judged by God say, "A good, loving God would never send anyone to hell." By their very arguments, if God does not act against evil, He cannot be good and loving. Yet when he does act to punish sin, his goodness and love are put into question.
Sibling Rivalry is also the issue moral relativists run into when objecting to evil. A relativist will argue that we all have our own morality. Right and wrong are the business of the individual, who are we to judge. Therefore, they cannot really define evil. Evil only means that something is wrong for them to do. If you label something as evil, that means that it is not the way it is supposed to be. Unless things are meant to be different, this is a senseless word. If the world is unjust, than there must be a higher justice.
What the moral relativist is saying is, "If God were really good and loving, He would only allow things that I like and wouldn't allow things I find displeasing." Gregory says, "The belief that objective good and evil do not exist (relativism) is i conflict (rivalry) with a rejection of God based on the existence of objective evil."
Infanticide is harder to understand. Imagine a father ending a letter with; "Son, if you didn't get this letter, please let me know, and I'll send you another. I made a copy." This is illogical because the son would have to receive the letter if he knew to ask for a copy, but if he got the letter he would not need the copy. There is a dependency here that is the very heart of Infanticide. Another example is saying "vocal chords do not exist." That statement in and of itself is not contradictory internally, but it requires vocal chords to speak the statement. So the parent concept (vocal chords) invalidates the child (claim there is no vocal chords).
The best example of Infanticide is when objectivists argue that God cannot exist because of evil. The atheist must first answer the question, "What do you mean by evil?" They will probably give examples: rape, murder, racism, child abuse. Those are good answers, but they miss the point. Where does their concept of evil come from. Before you can give examples of evil, you must know what evil is.
So, how do you know the difference between good and bad? Let's look at bowling. In bowling, good and bad can be measured by pin count. A 300 is supremely good, and rolling all gutter balls is supremely bad. Even in sports that you cannot be perfect in, such as golf, we still keep score. When we use the word evil we have a moral scoring system that we depend on. Evil means that when put on the goodness scale, we are on the low end. C.S. Lewis saw this same problem:
My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I gotten this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call something crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line.
This is the problem atheists will run into. Where have they gotten their concept of good that allows them to label something as evil? How can there be a moral scoring system if morals are nothing more than a product of chance. In fact, why obey them at all if that is the case. Who is it that establishes how things are supposed to be? In the movie The Quarrel, Rabbi Hersh says:
When it comes to morals, sometimes people think that atheists can't be moral. That is very untrue. They can be very moral, but they generally canot make sense of morality without God. Just because you can't explain gravity does not mean it does not work. The question for them is what grounds morality? Atheism creates a physicalist universe and morality is a nonphysical thing.
I would get into scientism as he does and how it commits suicide now, but that will take an entire blog. Look for a blog entitled Scientism Self-Destructs coming in the next week or so. See you next time when we look at Chapter 10!
In conversation sometimes, you will hear something that sounds strange. You will hear objections used by the same person that are not consistent with each other. Since they cannot both be valid, you only have to do half the work. A reasonable person will concede on at least one of their arguments, when they are pointed out to them. Sometimes they will silence both of their arguments when they are shown to be in conflict.
An example of Sibling Rivalry would be someone who looks at the world today and is angered. They read about someone who has abused children or a dictator killing innocent people and say, "A good, loving God would never let this happen." Yet when those same people hear that some will be judged by God say, "A good, loving God would never send anyone to hell." By their very arguments, if God does not act against evil, He cannot be good and loving. Yet when he does act to punish sin, his goodness and love are put into question.
Sibling Rivalry is also the issue moral relativists run into when objecting to evil. A relativist will argue that we all have our own morality. Right and wrong are the business of the individual, who are we to judge. Therefore, they cannot really define evil. Evil only means that something is wrong for them to do. If you label something as evil, that means that it is not the way it is supposed to be. Unless things are meant to be different, this is a senseless word. If the world is unjust, than there must be a higher justice.
What the moral relativist is saying is, "If God were really good and loving, He would only allow things that I like and wouldn't allow things I find displeasing." Gregory says, "The belief that objective good and evil do not exist (relativism) is i conflict (rivalry) with a rejection of God based on the existence of objective evil."
Infanticide is harder to understand. Imagine a father ending a letter with; "Son, if you didn't get this letter, please let me know, and I'll send you another. I made a copy." This is illogical because the son would have to receive the letter if he knew to ask for a copy, but if he got the letter he would not need the copy. There is a dependency here that is the very heart of Infanticide. Another example is saying "vocal chords do not exist." That statement in and of itself is not contradictory internally, but it requires vocal chords to speak the statement. So the parent concept (vocal chords) invalidates the child (claim there is no vocal chords).
The best example of Infanticide is when objectivists argue that God cannot exist because of evil. The atheist must first answer the question, "What do you mean by evil?" They will probably give examples: rape, murder, racism, child abuse. Those are good answers, but they miss the point. Where does their concept of evil come from. Before you can give examples of evil, you must know what evil is.
So, how do you know the difference between good and bad? Let's look at bowling. In bowling, good and bad can be measured by pin count. A 300 is supremely good, and rolling all gutter balls is supremely bad. Even in sports that you cannot be perfect in, such as golf, we still keep score. When we use the word evil we have a moral scoring system that we depend on. Evil means that when put on the goodness scale, we are on the low end. C.S. Lewis saw this same problem:
My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I gotten this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call something crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line.
This is the problem atheists will run into. Where have they gotten their concept of good that allows them to label something as evil? How can there be a moral scoring system if morals are nothing more than a product of chance. In fact, why obey them at all if that is the case. Who is it that establishes how things are supposed to be? In the movie The Quarrel, Rabbi Hersh says:
If there's nothing in the universe that's higher than human beings, then what's morality? Well, it's a matter of opinion. I like milk; you like meat. Hitler likes to kill people; I like to save them. Who's to say which is better? Do you begin to see the horror of this? If there's no master of the universe, then who's to say that Hitler did anything wrong? If there is no God, then the people that murdered your wife and children did nothing wrong.So why do we need a God? What purpose does God serve in the argument about morals and morality? A morally perfect God is the only plausible standard for a moral scoring system that contains at the bottom end evil. If God's existence makes evil intelligible, then evil cannot be evidence against God. In fact, it is great evidence for God. So morals actually prove that God exists!
When it comes to morals, sometimes people think that atheists can't be moral. That is very untrue. They can be very moral, but they generally canot make sense of morality without God. Just because you can't explain gravity does not mean it does not work. The question for them is what grounds morality? Atheism creates a physicalist universe and morality is a nonphysical thing.
I would get into scientism as he does and how it commits suicide now, but that will take an entire blog. Look for a blog entitled Scientism Self-Destructs coming in the next week or so. See you next time when we look at Chapter 10!
Monday, June 11, 2012
From Shack to Temple: Week 6
I realize that it has been 4 weeks since I wrote a blog in this series as I talk about my weight loss. The truth is, I got sick 3 weeks ago and went off the diet. I finally was feeling better by the beginning of the week. I am a male, and not to stereotype us, but I am the biggest baby when I get sick. If I have to get stitches, not a big deal. If I am sick, I moan and groan and whine all of the time. It is actually pretty pathetic and you should pray for my wife......she is a saint for putting up with me!
To continue with my illness, I eat comfort food when I am sick. The great thing was that through my eating poorly over several weeks I never got back to eating at the level that I generally do. I was bad, but not to the extreme that I as an addict generally go to. I weighed 234 on the 4th when I last weighed, and this week I weighed 228.4 so I lost 5.6 pounds this week and I am down 19.2 pounds.
I find losing almost 20 pounds amazing. I have switched over to the paleo, or caveman diet. That means that I am eating meat (free range chicken/eggs, wild fish and grass-fed beef), vegetables, fruit and nuts. There are no chemicals or preservatives and every thing is all natural. I love their motto, Just Chew It!
The first week was not so bad, but there was some definite cravings that I had to deal with, especially when you have a break room that looks like this last week. Another day it was 6 dozen donuts sitting in there.
I feel that I have been more successful this time and will continue to be so. I felt that a large part of the reason I was struggling in the beginning of this was depriving myself then having a splurge day that gave into my eating issues. With the paleo I will allow myself 1-2 cheat meals a week, not an entire day of gorging that I found myself doing in the first couple of weeks.
Internally I feel better this time, and although it says I am 6 weeks in I am actually 4 weeks in when you take away the 2 weeks I was sick. Either way, I will be down over 20 pounds by next week and that makes me happy. I am feeling great energy wise and internally, which is also good. Look forward to letting you know where I am at next week.
I find losing almost 20 pounds amazing. I have switched over to the paleo, or caveman diet. That means that I am eating meat (free range chicken/eggs, wild fish and grass-fed beef), vegetables, fruit and nuts. There are no chemicals or preservatives and every thing is all natural. I love their motto, Just Chew It!
The first week was not so bad, but there was some definite cravings that I had to deal with, especially when you have a break room that looks like this last week. Another day it was 6 dozen donuts sitting in there.
I feel that I have been more successful this time and will continue to be so. I felt that a large part of the reason I was struggling in the beginning of this was depriving myself then having a splurge day that gave into my eating issues. With the paleo I will allow myself 1-2 cheat meals a week, not an entire day of gorging that I found myself doing in the first couple of weeks.
Internally I feel better this time, and although it says I am 6 weeks in I am actually 4 weeks in when you take away the 2 weeks I was sick. Either way, I will be down over 20 pounds by next week and that makes me happy. I am feeling great energy wise and internally, which is also good. Look forward to letting you know where I am at next week.
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