Not Afraid to Die

I was never afraid of death. In my addiction I died multiple times and was brought back to life. I had my stomach pumped, slashed my wrists, flew a car 97 feet clipping trees 32 feet in the air and had a couple of overdoses. I continued to use drugs and drive under the influence, so needless to say I wasn't afraid of death. I kept doing the things that had caused me to die previously. I was not afraid and took pride in it.

I was hopeless. The best I could hope for in a day was to get high multiple times, make money and that was about it. In my addiction I would sleep once a week, and I did this for years. I always made sure I had drugs to take as soon as I woke up, because that was where I  placed my hope. My higher power was drugs and money and everything that came with that. When I was an alcoholic I  knew that if I slept through the night without having the shakes wake me up, not urinating in the bed overnight and didn't have a hangover  that was the best I could hope for. That was the best my life was going to get. Not much hope there.

I was ashamed. I had already lost most of my values and morals. I put up so many walls that I was like the heart of the onion; completely covered so no one could know who I really was. I lied to everyone about my past so much that I began to believe the lies myself. It became my persona, the gang banger who moved to southwest Missouri. I was so ashamed of who I was I would lie to people when telling them the truth would not even matter.

I felt all alone. I could be in a house with 10 other people or a bar with 100's and would feel alone. I would spend hours shuffling cards or playing video games, making no contact with the outside world. I would have sex with people for the conquest. I would not know their name and  half the time they did not know mine because I wanted no one to truly get close to me. That way I could stay alone.

I hated myself. I would let no one get too close to me. I dated a lot of people. We used each other. I used them for the conquest, arm candy or to try to fix them up as a project. They used me for money, protection or drugs. If a girl I was dating told me she loved me I would break up with her if I thought she was telling the truth. "If you are sick enough to love someone like me, I can't be with you," I would say.

I felt numb. I think that is why I took the drugs to begin with. Maybe not in the very beginning, but in the end. The first time I smoked marijuana I did it to fit in, and I did. I soon learned that drugs numbed my pain, helped me forget about the abuse I  had suffered through as a kid. The hurt I felt from not fitting in disappeared. I learned that no one could hurt me if I was high, so I stayed that way all the time.

I felt dead. I no longer felt alive without putting chemicals in my body. In fact, the only time I felt alive was when I was sticking a needle into my arm or putting myself in a situation where I might die. I would feel alive when my car got searched and they didn't find the drugs. I would feel alive when I got into a fight or was running from the police. I felt dead and empty unless I was doing things that released massive amounts of adrenaline and/or dopamine.

I was evil. I consider meth a drug straight from the Devil. In my addiction, I was a soldier for Satan. I did his bidding and I brought more people into  his fold. I helped manufacture a drug that enabled society to continue its rapid decay. I dealt a drug that is associated with murder, rape, burglary and assault. I would take food stamps for 40 cents on the dollar from friends and 25 cents on the dollar from everybody else then throw the food stamps away because I felt they were beneath me and its not like I ate anyway. I took money out of kids mouths that needed it. I hurt friends physically over $25 to make an example of  them.

I wanted to die. I had no hope of getting of drugs, changing my lifestyle or not going back to prison other than death. Death would have been a reprieve at the time. Supporting an addiction to drugs, power and money is a very stressful job. Once a month, I would put one round in a .38, spin the cylinder and pull the trigger. I did that for the last year of my addiction.

But here is the truth...................................

I was scared to death. I was afraid that if I let someone in my life they would  hurt me. I had been hurt by people that were supposed to nurture and love me because they were related to me. I had been devastated by people claiming to be my friends and if I kept my walls up they could never hurt me again. Would I have really been so paranoid I played curtain patrol and had motion detectors and recording devices set everywhere if I wasn't scared?

I was afraid to live. I was afraid of truly trying because if I didn't try I couldn't fail. No one would expect much from me. I had tried and failed enough times in the beginning of my drug use that I was afraid to try again. I dropped out of high school and had never had a long term relationship. I broke off any relationships I had with people who truly cared about me so that I could simply exist. If I never tried anything, I could never fail again. If I kept people in my life who expected nothing of me I could do nothing.

I wanted to not hurt anymore. To accomplish that I tried drugs, alcohol, sex and power. I was still scared, angry and hurt. I tried suicide. I wasn't very good at it. I tried jail, house arrest and prison without any success. I was using half an hour after I got out of prison. I tried rehab, counseling and prescribed medication. The result was temporary at best and I would relapse within weeks at most. I could not escape who I was and what I had done.

What was the reason..............................

All of the trauma I had been through (whether it had been done to me or I had done it myself) had created a hole in me that I kept trying to fill with sex, money, power and drugs. Unfortunately, there was only one thing that could fill it. It was a hope sized hole that nothing man made could touch. There was not enough money, sex, drugs or counseling to fill it. And trust me, I tried. I still felt empty and broken, unworthy and worthless.

What is the answer.........................

Spiritual Spackle is based solely on one concept. Life creates holes in our souls, and the things we have available to us in this physical world only cover the holes. Notice I didn't say they fill the holes. They only cover them. The holes are still there. The Holy Spirit is like spackle for our soul. It is what is meant to fill the holes in and restore our hope. You can read more about the Spiritual Spackle Theory here http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/08/spackle-theory.html

God is the bringer of true hope and purpose. In order to accept Him into our lives and live differently we have to:

1. Accept -  Admit that you have sinned.
2. Repent - Not just feel sorry for what you have done, but be ready to live your life differently.
3. Belief - Believe that Jesus is the son of God and that He died to forgive your sins
4. Action - Live your life differently. My life revolved around drugs from waking to sleep. Now it revolves around God and living a life I hope He finds pleasing
5. Prepare - (for Success) Use the 5 Pillars http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-5-pillars.html or try the Locker Room approach http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-locker-room.html

If anyone has any questions or requests, please let me know. Remember, the journey has just begun!

The Locker Room

Today I want to introduce you to a sports themed blog. I am big on using analogies because I have found that they are easy to understand. It has also been my experience that most people I talk to understand sports analogies. Due to those reasons, we are going to talk about everybody's lives. This applies to "normies" and addicts. I believe that we all have basic needs in order to live our lives well.

"What do we need?"

Glad you asked! First we need to realize that our lives are very much like a game. This game is serious. In Monopoly, when you land on Go to Jail! you do not pass go, you do not collect $200 and you go directly to jail. That is only a game though, you are not really in jail. In this game, when you go to jail, you sit in jail. You are in a 5 foot by 9 foot cell and you talk to people through Plexiglas windows. This game is real, it is for keeps. When we play games and lose, we get to play another game. If we lose this game, the eternal outcome is dire!

Ephesians 6:10-12 of The Message Bible says, "God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels."

So in order to play this game and win, we have to do several things. The first thing we must do is pick a team. In my past I was on Satan's team. I made choices in my addiction and actions in the lifestyle I led that showed whose team I was on. We choose the team, as C.S. Lewis alluded to in this quote, "There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.' 

We need to realize that the game of life we play is for keeps, it's for eternity. If you make the wrong moves in this game and the game ends, you go south. Deep south! I hear that it is really warm there, all of the time! If you make the right moves, you get to go North! I hear that it is amazing there, and I can't wait to go home!

We get to choose whether we are on the Devil's team or God's. I have chosen playing for Christ. Christ can give us the power to do what needs to be done in life. Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." Once we get on that team, we will have other needs if we are to be successful. 

First and foremost, we need a great group of coaches. These are the people that will direct our steps. They will teach us how to win the game that we are playing. That game is life, and the coaches we use are also known as pastors (lead, associate and youth) as well as mentors. In the world of addiction recovery the mentor is known as a sponsor. This is a very important position to fill. We can only be as good as our coach. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Most of us are babies in our faith, and we need those who are more mature to educate and guide us as we grow in our faith. We may have the heart for faith, but we do not yet have the skills needed. We need to get down the intricacies of trying to live Christ-like. There is a lot to, and it takes more than just a great coach. We also need to learn the plays, and that requires us having a chance to review them not just with our coach, but when we go away from our coaches, also. Where do we get these plays?

As a Christian, my play book is the Bible. I know that there are a lot of good plays in there. It is a diagram for how we are to live our lives. It may have been written by men, but it was inspired by God. 2 Timothy 3:16,17 says, "All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." Our coaches teach us how to run the correct plays, but we have to know the play book well to play the game. In order to successfully run the game winning plays we have more needs.

Any great team has more than one good player. A shining example is the perfect game in baseball. This year (2012) we have had three perfect games pitched. That means 27 batters came to bat and none of them got on base in each game. This is a feat that takes a pitcher playing his "A" game. It also is the rest of the team playing great, too. The catcher has to catch every pitch and not let any third strikes get past him. If a called third strike  goes by him, batter gets on base and the perfect game is lost. In one of the games, there were 9 strike outs and in the other there were 14. That means that the ball was hit into play 31 times, and that the defense made no errors. It took the entire team, if your team mates are having problems, so do you. If you are flowing together, than you are doing great.

So, who are your team mates. We need accountability partners in order to win at the game we call life. No matter how good we feel we are doing, we still need the team mates to help us be better. We are born to sin, so that is our nature. By ourselves we are weak, while together we are strong. In Ecclesiastes 4:9,12 the Bible says, "Two are better than one, Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

When it comes to our accountability partners, we have to surround ourselves with other positive, encouraging, Christ-like people. If you look at the greats, they all had team mates that were great also. Michael Jordan had Scottie Pippen and Joe Montana had Jerry Rice. Pick your team mates wisely. I think of my accountability partners as friends. They are friends that I have talked to honestly about my struggles. If I miss a recovery meeting, small group or church they call me and let me know that I was missed and ask if I am doing okay. If they see my attitude starting to get negative they will call me out. I have given them permission. After all, "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17)."

Now you need to get your team together and have practices. Practice is a way we get to know the plays in the play book better and prepare ourselves better for the game. We have our team mates practice with us and this allows for our bond and respect to deepen and grow. For practice, we have small groups. Small groups are great ways for us to build deeper and stronger relationships with others who we have commonalities with. We may use youth groups, apologetics groups, recovery groups, support groups, etc.

Hebrews 10:25 says, "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and god deeds, not giving up meeting together, but encouraging one another." We are to be there for each other. We are to build each other up. There is no better place for us to do these than small groups. It also allows us to do things we would not normally do while receiving support from others who we know and hopefully trust. 

Before we start playing the game, and again at half time we get good sound advice from our coach. He talks to us and our team mates, using the play book to get us prepared for the game. This is an important time, but it is what it is. The looker room is where we learn and prepare, but it is not what is important. What is important is how we play in the game. If I have a great play book and a great coach but I do not perform on the field/court I will lose the game. What does this mean and what is our locker room?

Our locker room is church. This means that church is of import, but what we do outside of church is what truly matters. You can attend twice a week, sit in the front row, raise your hands in worship and tithe faithfully. You can say all of the right things and even have the Bible memorized. That is not important. I once heard a pastor say, "Sitting in church no more makes you a Christian than me standing in my garage makes me a car." We need to be Christian outside of church!

What does it mean to be Christian outside of church? It means that we look different from everyone else. When everyone starts cussing or telling offensive jokes, you let them know that you don't appreciate it. If they continue, you walk away. We need to remember what our ministry is. The pastor, his ministry is inside of the church. Where is yours? It could be at the junior high, high school or college you go to. It could be at your job, whether you are a maid, attorney or work in a restaurant.

You could be the best listener and loudest singer in church, but in the end it will all be for naught! The Bible says it best in James 2:26, "Faith without works is dead!" We need to apply what we learn, simply knowing isn't enough! If we are not in the locker room, we do not learn what we need in order to defeat Satan and stay steadfast and true in this sinful world.

Now we are ready to play the game. We have chosen a team, listened to our coach, learned the play book, practiced with our team mates and gotten pumped up for the game. We know what we need to do and how to do it. We get out there and begin playing. At first we are doing great, but we begin to wear down and the other team begins to take a lead. We are making mistakes that could cost us the game. We call a quick time out, because our team needs to get pumped back up. We need to talk our strategy over, so we get into the huddle.

The huddle is how we get our strength and courage back in the middle of the game. This is prayer time. Ephesians 16:18 says, "In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out." We not only pray for ourselves, but for our brothers and sisters. We need to lift not only our own spirits but the spirits of our team mates as well!

Now that we have our game plan all in order, it is time for us to begin really making an effort to stand out. I don't want to be an okay or average player at the game of life. In fact, we are told not to be average players. In Matthew 5:14-16 it says, "You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

In order to do this, we must be prepared and the way to do that is to apply the things mentioned above and ask yourself 4 questions:

1. Is my life lived to fulfill my wants and needs or do I focus on living for Christ?
2. Am I ashamed of my faith, or do I share it with everyone that will listen?
3. Do I live as one that is OF this world or one that is only IN this world?
4. Is my life a living testament to God?

The Locker Room (Sermon Outline for Youth 07/26)

THE LOCKER ROOM

THE GAME

LIFE

Ephesians 6:10-12 - This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.”

NEEDS

1.       TEAM

2.       COACH

3.       TEAM MATES

4.       PLAY BOOK

5.       HUDDLE

6.       PRACTICE

7.       LOCKER ROOM

TEAM

C.S. LEWIS, "There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'

THE WINNING TEAM = CHRIST

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

COACH

MENTOR and PASTORS

Proverbs 22:6 - "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

TEAM MATES

ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER

Ecclesiastes 4:9,12 - Two are better than one, Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

PLAY BOOK

THE BIBLE

2 Timothy 3:16-17 -  All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work

PRACTICE

SMALL GROUPS

Hebrews 10:25 -  And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and god deeds, not giving up meeting together, but encouraging one another

THE HUDDLE

PRAYER

Ephesians 6:18 - In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out

THE LOCKER ROOM

CHURCH

ROMANS 12:2 - Do not be conformed to this present world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may test and approve what is the will of God – what is good and well-pleasing and perfect.

STANDING OUT

Matthew 5:14-16 - You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

1. Is my life about self-fulfillment or Christ fulfillment

2. Do I live as one who is IN this world or as one who is OF this world

3. Am I ashamed of my faith, or do I profess the gospel to all who would hear it

4. Is my life a living sacrifice to Jesus