Songs of Recovery - Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day

I am 4 months removed from burying my father after he committed suicide. I have recently broken up with the mother of my 1 year old son, and she has not let me see him for several weeks. I am agnostic. I am broken. I am a functioning alcoholic who is working one full-time and one part-time job, I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I cannot complete a sentence without using the "F" word  and I am getting into fights semi-weekly. I still think convict and junkie every time that I look into a mirror, even though I have not done drugs other than alcohol for several years. No matter what I do, how many degrees I have, I still see myself as worthless and the only thing that really matters to me, my son, I am not able to see.

That is where I was a little over three years ago. Thankfully, I had several people that I knew reach out to me. One of them was Nate, who I worked with and the other was his wife Becca. They were 2 of the only Christians that I had ever met that did not judge me and that appeared to be genuine. They walked the walk instead of just talking it. They saw me, shattered and hopeless, and invited me to church. I would have said no, but they suckered me in with the BBQ that was after the service. If you saw me you would understand. I do not say no to food. In fact, I love food. BBQ just so happens to be near the top of the list when it comes to my favorite things to eat. That is probably the reason that I am currently on a diet. 18 pounds down, 37 pounds to go!

I remember several things about that day that made me feel welcome at their church, which is New Life Church. I have talked about the ink wall, which is the wall when you first walk into the church that has pictures of tattoos that people who attend New Life have, along with the meaning of the tattoo and where they got it done. Today, I will talk about the first song that they played in service and how it made me feel as I read the words of the screen that morning.

The song was a perfect song for my first experience with the church. It was Cry Out to Jesus by the band Third Day. It starts off:

                      To everyone who's lost someone they love
                      Long before it was their time
                      You feel like the days you had were not enough
                      when you said goodbye.

As I heard the band sing these words, tears formed in my eyes. All I could think about was my father, and how I did not get to really say goodbye. I thought about the last words that I ever said to him, face-to-face and how I could never take it back. I thought about all of the times that we talked and I took it for granted! I thought about the fact that my son would never be able to meet his grandfather, my father, the man that I call Superman (I blog about him here: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-superman.html).
Then came the second stanza:

                                      And to all of the people with burdens and pains
                                      Keeping you back from your life
                                      You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
                                      Who can make it right.

The tears began to roll, as I thought of how miserable I was. I had tried substance abuse rehabilitation, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, Narcotic's Anonymous and Alcoholic's Anonymous but there was something that was missing. The only thing that I had found to work was alcohol, sex and violence. It took my mind off of my current and past problems and made it right for a while. But even that was only temporary, and I knew in my heart that nothing could change me, nothing could make it right. Then came the chorus:

                                There is hope for the helpless
                                Rest for the weary
                                Love for the broken heart
                                There is grace and forgiveness
                                Mercy and healing
                                He'll meet you wherever you are
                                Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

I continued to cry, I can remember this. I was the helpless, the weary, the broken hearted. This song could have been written about me. What could they possibly mean that there was hope, rest, love and mercy. I could not forgive myself, so how could anyone else forgive me. They did not realize who I was, that I was an addict, that I was evil and mean and hateful and arrogant and every other negative thing that I could possibly think of. There would never be love for me, because I could not even love myself. I was an addict, a junkie, the worst of the worst. Even though I was not using any more I was still a drunk, and I knew who I really was! Several stanzas later, God spoke to me again through music as I heard the entire congregation sing:
                                        

                For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
             You try to give up but you come back again
                Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
                  And your suffering

                 When your lonely
              And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
            You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
                Cry to Jesus

Wow, even me?!?! Even the addict was being talked about. My life was being mentioned. I had kept trying to change, but no matter what I did I was always still me. No matter how much I tried to change, what I took, where I moved, who I associated with I was still me. I was still miserable, I was worthless. Since when were addicts talked about inside of church, other than when the pastor said, "Don't be like these people!" I was lonely, I was suffering, and the whole world was crashing down on me. I was pretty sure that there was no help for me, but I had several friends that were in church that day with me, they had a program of recovery I had never tried called Celebrate Recovery, and the band actually rocked!

Maybe there was something different about church than what I was used to. Maybe they were not all judgemental and holier than thou.  Maybe I would give this place called New Life Church a chance. I still did not believe in God, but I felt a little better for the first time in a while. I felt accepted, I felt a little less stress, I felt a little more at ease than when I had walked in and I liked it. Yep, I decided, I will give this a chance and see what happens! Here I sit 3 years later, and the journey was definitely worth it. This is one of the songs that was truly instrumental in my still being alive today, in my being blessed with a life worth living. I went from hope-less to hope-filled. I took the road less traveled, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My Superman

In this day and age, there needs to be more superheroes. I know that this may seem like an absurd statement, when there seems to be a new superhero movie released every other week at the theater and there are a lot of everyday heroes who step up when others will not. Those are the people that I am talking about, not the ones with the spandex tight suits, but the guys who step up and do what should be done when there are so many others who refuse to do the right thing.

I am really more of a Wolverine guy, but I would like to tell you a little bit about the guy that I called Superman. He was not named Clark Kent, but he was mild mannered, gentle and unassuming like him. He was mild-mannered in that when I would get into fights, he could never understand where my violence came from. I have seen him get hit and just stand there and take it, because he believed in the literal turning of the other cheek. He was gentle in that I know that he never hit any of his children, nor did he get into any fights after his teen years. He was unassuming because you never heard him brag about his achievements, even though there were many things that he did over the course of his life.

This is where I come in. Today I am going to tell you about the real life Superman that I had the pleasure of knowing, much like the people of Metropolis who loved the man who always saved the day and told grandiose stories about him. Some of my stories of Superman will be grand and some will not, but they will all be honest.

Superman was born to parents who were German immigrants who actually had their name changed at Ellis Island so that it would sound less German. He was born in Illinois, were he went to school and eventually joined the Army. This was a time that he never talked about, his time in the Army. Yet he did it, and he left the service with an honorable discharge. Some would say that serving his country makes him a hero, and I would agree with that. But it did not make him Superman.

He jogged all of the time, and running was one of his passions. Once a week he would run 20 miles to work, complete a 12 hour shift, then run 20 miles back home. He was inspired and at peace when he ran. Some would say that the focus and ability to run like he did was superhuman. At least I would, because I cannot run more than 10 feet without needing to be given oxygen. But it did not make him Superman.

He had a knowledge of the Bible that was unbelievable. He actually worked at the world headquarters for the  denomination that he believed in for several years. He loved to talk to people about his faith, and how life without God was miserable. He would minister and evangelize to people he had just met because he was worried about their eternal salvation. That takes courage that many of us today lack. But that is not what made him Superman.

He dealt with Bipolar Disorder, or what is commonly referred to as Manic Depression, his whole life. He lived with it and was still nice to those around him. He had his episodes because he would get feeling well and then wrongly think that he no longer needed his medication. He would then stop taking his prescriptions, then have a manic episode after a year or two and have to get stabilized on the medication again. He did this for decades without giving up. But that is not what made him Superman.

If someone met him, they were instantly friends. He was able to joke around with people standing next to him in line, and he never judged or looked down on anyone. I remember seeing him one day at the bus station in a state that he did not live in. As he left the station he had probably 30 people yell goodbye or shake his hand on his way out.  That was the charisma that he had. But that is not what made him Superman.

He was a recovering alcoholic. He had drank for years and was given to excess, especially during his manic highs. He never made excuses for his drinking, and he had 20 plus years of sobriety. He also would help those at church who were given to excess, and was always there to share his strength, faith and hope of overcoming addiction through a relationship with God. Battling addiction and overcoming it is something that 90 % of alcoholics fail at. He did it. But that is not what made him Superman.

After his first wife left him and took his three children with her (two biological and one step), he would travel 6 hours one way (12 hours round trip) to see his children every other weekend. He did this for two  and a half years, and he never missed a weekend. He put his entire summer on hold when he had his children with him, and would spend weeks at a time with them giving them his undivided attention. This made him an incredible dad. But this is not what made him Superman.

When he got the opportunity to get custody of his son, he jumped at it. He brought his son home and raised him as a single father for several years before getting remarried. He always put his son first and foremost, and his son never wondered whether or not he was loved, because he knew it. This also made him an incredible dad. But this is not what made him Superman.



Dad, tomorrow is father's day. You have been gone for 3 years now, and I miss you incredibly. I wish that my son would have gotten the chance to meet you, but he never did. The reason that I wish my son could have met you is because to me, you were Superman. Not because of the spiritual influence that you gave, not because you worked through your own addiction and mental illness, not because you could always run me into the ground on the track, not because my mom left you and I never heard you say a bad word about her, not because you served our country, not because you were charismatic, not because you never judged or looked down on anyone, not because you never hit or spanked me, not because you loved people enough that you wanted them all to know Christ and have the opportunity to live forever, not because you always carried me on your shoulders, not because you never once told me you were too busy to play ball(baseball, basketball or football), not because you never missed your weekends with me, not because you loved me unconditionally through my addiction/jail/prison and not because you were a stand up man and a dedicated father.

You are not Superman for one of these things or some of these things, but for all of these things. You taught me how to be a man and how to be a father. Even though I did not get it for 3 decades, I get it now. You never gave up on me and you loved me no matter what, because that is what fathers do.

You are Superman because you had faith that I would eventually grow into the father and husband that I have. You are Superman because thanks to you I will be an incredible father, because I will pass on all that I learned from watching you. You are Superman not for some of what you did, but for everything that you did.

Dad, I just wanted to say a few things to you on this father's day. I wanted to say that I love and miss you. I wanted to say that you were always a great dad even when I was not a great son. Finally, I wanted to let you know that my son will get to know you not just through pictures and stories, but by seeing how I live my life and raise him. He will know you because he knows me, and you live through me. I am and always will be a living legacy to who you were Dad!!! I hope that you are proud of the father I have become. I'll see you when I come home!