Not Feeling Well, but Your Life Can Be Better (Just follow these 8 steps)

My blogs generally go out on Mondays, and this Monday I could not sent out an email, as I could not type. My fingers, wrists, elbow, shoulder, knee, ankle and neck were all sore. Most of those joints were also swollen and the pain was actually pretty intense. It was bad enough that I went to urgent care yesterday, were I got to spend about 5 hours of my life.

I could insert joke about urgent here, but they were really busy and they got me back to a room pretty quickly. Then they sent me to a lab so they could draw 5 vials of blood from me for testing. Some of those tests we got back quickly, one we will not get back until today and the others we will get back in a week or so.

What we found is that I had pain in multiple joints and swelling in my hands and wrists. I had a low white blood cell count, elevated sedimentation rate, elevated liver enzymes and low globulin. Another test showed that I was normal for Rheumatoid arthritis, but my doctor said that could happen and me still have it. Finally, I get the connective tissue diseases results back today and the tick studies will be back in up to a week.

What I know is that I have a doctor from rheumatology I will be seeing, as soon as they call to set up the appointment. I have a follow up with a PCP (this stands for Primary Care Physician, not the drug phencyclidine) once his office calls to set it up. The doctor is leaning towards either a tick bite or rheumatoid arthritis at this point with the test results he has seen so far.

I also have a procedure next Friday for my internal problems I have been struggling with. None of this is said to concern you, but at the age of 42 I am pretty certain that I would not be having a lot of the issues that I am currently having if not for 2 plus decades of substance abuse and my lack of consistency with a healthy diet and exercise currently.

So, if you have not yet done drugs I encourage you not to. I had to get all fake teeth put in at 30 due to rotting all of my teeth out from my methamphetamine use. I have horrible internal issues that act up most times I eat anything. I have a son and daughter that I might or might not get to see grow up, because of all of the damage I have done to my body.

If you are doing drugs, I encourage you to quit now. Most of my old running buddies are either dead or in prison for 10 year plus sentences. I am working and get to spend time with my wife and children and play at the park with them. Trust me; this recovery thing is everything they tell you it is. There is a better life in recovery, and I am living proof!

There are some requirements to recovery, and I would say that everyone can benefit from them whether they struggle with addictions or not. Here are 8 of my requirements to living a better life. I start with my 5 Pillars and add a few more:

1. Higher Power – Find something bigger than you that gives you validation, forgiveness, compassion and love. I use Jesus, others use their home group. Find what works best for you and latch onto it!
2. Sponsor/Mentor – Find someone whose life you would like to have in 5 years (family life, finances, spirituality, faith, sobriety, etc.) and ask them to help guide you in that pursuit.
3. Accountability Partners - Find people with similar goals, for themselves and for you, and give them permission to call you out. This could be people you work with, live with, go to church with, go to meetings with or just meet once a week for coffee.
4. 12 Steps/Biblical - Find a plan that can guide you in the way you want to live your life and just do it. I wholly believe in the 12 steps and have seen people use them for so much more than just drug/alcohol addiction. I have seen them used to work through depression, anxiety, eating issues, divorce, pornography, codependency and a lot more. They can cure your hurts, habits and hang-ups.
5. Meetings/Groups – Find groups of people with similar struggles who are trying to overcome them. If you cannot find a group that fits your bill, than start one. These can be anything from Alcoholics Anonymous to Celebrate Recovery to Support groups for survivors of cancer or suicide to small groups that give education on having a happy home life and everything in between.
6. Drop the Zeroes – If you have friends that are not trying to better their lives, and they don’t support you bettering yours than lose them. You are either for me or against me, there is no middle ground. This is no different than a team letting players go to insure it can be successful. Stick with the winners and win with the people who stick around, keep coming back and consistently do and say the right thing.
7. Meditation/Prayer – When life is going great or it is going poorly, these two will always make the day better. Focus on positive things in your life, express your gratitude and ask to do and be more! 
8. Community Service - Give back to the community you live in by getting involved in something that focuses on making your community better. Service work is vital, but community service work is so much more fulfilling. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and I actually felt that I was a part of my community again. Try it and you will see what I mean!

There is a lot more, but this is a great start. I have never seen someone who committed themselves to these 8 things fail in their sobriety. It is just too hard to find time to mess up. Put the same amount of effort you put into your addiction into your recovery and watch it GROW!!!

Wrapping Up Recovery Month

September was Recovery Month. It was a momentous one, too, as it was the 25^thanniversary of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) very first declaration of Recovery Month. This was also the month Better Life in Recovery (BLiR) decided to really roll out and begin trying to tackle stigma and ignorance head on.

Don’t get me wrong, BLiR has done several events already. BLiR did an outreach in Ash Grove for the youth and community warning of the dangers of addiction and wonders of recovery. There was also the Back to School Bash at New Life Church, which reached over 100 youth and adults. This year was different, this year was bigger.

In January, multiple organizations and individuals joined BLiR because they too shared the same vision. The vision was to deal hope and decimate stigma surrounding addictions and mental health issues through community service, education and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery. That first meeting, several committees were formed and the ball started rolling.

We opted to have 4 subcommittees. Each subcommittee would have their own leader, who would ultimately report to the founder of director of BLiR. We decided on 3 events and an ongoing service arm:

1.       Recovery Day at Hammon’s Field  

2.       Getting Dirty for Staying Clean 5K/10K Trail Run and Family Fun BBQ

3.       Getting Dirty for Staying Clean Float and River Clean Up

4.        Community Service events

After finishing the last recovery event, I have learned several things. For starters, dream big. We sold 300 tickets to the ball game. State Representative Eric Burlison showed up and threw out the first pitch of the game to support us. We had 125 people register to run the 5K/10K. We just finished the campout and had 75 people join us. We had a proclamation for recovery month presented by Senator Bob Dixon for the State of Missouri and another presented by Councilman Jerry Compton for the City of Springfield. For Springfield, it was the first time that the proclamation had been made!

We found some amazing sponsors who contributed goods that made the events successful. We received food, drinks, paper supplies and prizes for giveaways. We sold naming rights and various other things at the race, and we made some great partners in the community. Now we meet in two weeks,on Saturday October 11^th at 1. The location as it stands is the Champion Center and I am super excited for it.

The next meeting we have there will be discussions about what we plan for next year. We will talk about what went right and how we can make it even better next year. We will also talk about the things that did not go as planned and that we were not prepared for so that we can learn from them. We will discuss what events we want to do next year and begin planning.

I am most excited about the prospect of writing the paperwork for BLiR to become a 501c3 and forming a board of directors. We have had a great foundation laid this year, and I would argue that all of our events were very successful. There were some learning experiences, but those are growing pains that are expected this early in the life of an organization.

Personally, I am exhausted. This is a run down of my last 30 days:

1.       August 29^th: Recovery Day at Hammon’s Field

2.       August 30^th: Race Walkthrough at Rutledge Wilson Farm Park and meeting on float trip

3.       September 5^th: Set up for the 5K

4.       September 6^th: The 1^st Annual Getting Dirty for Staying Clean 5K/10K Trail Run and BBQ

5.       September 12^th: Taught a lesson on recovery at Glendale Christian Church for Celebrate Recovery

6.       September 13^th: Emceed and helped set up and break down for the 4^th Annual Recovery Outreach in the Ozarks

7.       September 14^th: Shared my testimony at the Church at the Center’s Kids Festival and Benefit Concert

8.       September 25^th: Final Float Meeting

9.       September 26^th: Shared my testimony for the Say NO to Drugs Virginia state campaign

10.   September 27^th-28^th: Set up, Camp out and Float Trip then break down

When I say breakdown, I don’t mean psychologically, but today I am feeling shot. I am tired, because on top of all of this I have a wife and 2 children, a full time job and a lot of people that I meet with and talk to who are struggling on a weekly basis outside of work. I have learned several lessons, but I think that I will share those later.

Today, I just want to say that I am grateful for a wife, friends, coworkers and recovery community that support what I do! I am blessed beyond belief and as well as we did this year, I can’t imagine what next year will look like!!

Last but not least, if getting involved with BLiR sounds interesting to you, send me your email address. I will make sure you are added to the email blasts that go out several times a month! If you have not hoped on the train yet, you might want to hop on board now before we leave the station for another amazing year!

You Think You High but You're Really Getting Low

I was listening to LeCrae’s song Blow Your High yesterday and there is part of his chorus that always catches my ear because of its’ truth, “You think you high but you really getting low.” Every time I hear that I am reminded of my own past, and the reality of addiction. I loved the way it felt when I first used, but by the end I hated it so much but could not quit. When I first used, bad things in life had happened to me. By the end, I was the bad thing that had happened to other people.

My first use was with a group of kids, and I instantly felt a connection to them. It was incredible. I had never really felt like I belonged anywhere and suddenly I was part of a group. All of the painful things I had been through and all the stress I felt instantly melted away.  I had always heard how horrible drugs were in school, and I knew that they had lied to me the first time I tried them.

Drugs were not horrible. In fact, they were quite the opposite. For once, I did not have to put up walls to hide my feelings from others. I could let them see how I really felt. I laughed, I lived and I loved constantly. I was using drugs, and the more I used the better I felt. The better I felt, the more social I became.  I was the life of the party, the center of attention. It felt great and I loved it.

At this point in my life, I was flying high. I was in Junior High and then High School, using to escape my past and create a new reality. I was having fun, acting crazy outside of school and doing pretty well inside of it. I was happy, but only because I was not dealing with life’s problems. In addiction things are often not as they appear.

I went from a stoner in junior high while I was living in Highland to a partying prep when I moved to Eldorado for high school. My junior year I began to get into trouble, drinking too much liquor and smoking too much marijuana. I moved to Hollister for my senior year and was introduced to methamphetamine. It was by far the best thing I had ever done.

To this day, I have never felt anything that compares to the rush I got from doing meth. It was AWESOME!!!! It made me feel so great. I felt so great that I wanted that feeling all of the time. In my previous addiction I would sometimes skip classes so that I could get high. I would get drunk every weekend, several times. But I still had a semblance of a life. With meth, everything faded but the drug.

In my previous use, I vandalized and swiped money and credit cards from my dad. I kept my grades up and I was a prep at school. With meth, I dropped out of school and started stealing so that I could afford to continue using. From there I started dealing meth and marijuana so that I could continue to use meth.

I was in and out of jail 15 or 20 times. I eventually wound up in prison, where I turned 21. I was on probation, parole, in jail or in prison from 17 until I was 29. I hurt people I considered friends: physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually and spiritually. I stole from people, a lot. I introduced people to methamphetamine and the drug lifestyle. Many of those people are either in prison or dead.

Mister social, with tons of friends at the parties every night, ended up unconscious in a pool full of my own blood after slashing my wrists. Luckily, someone found me before it was too late. The guy who always had parties at his house, ended up all alone locked up in his room with a  needle in his arm while everyone else partied because I didn’t want them to know I was shooting up. Then I only started hanging out with other people who shot up.  

I was no longer doing drugs, the drugs were doing me. I was no longer using to have fun, I was using just to feel less bad. That is the lie many who have never struggled with addiction believe, that we use because we are having fun and life is amazing. The truth is, we often start using to escape life and end up addicted because we can no longer function without it.

I needed drugs to get out of bed. I needed drugs to think. I was sluggish; operating at less than 50 percent and when I used it would lift me to 75 percent. I never felt great, I always felt bad. Using allowed me to feel less bad. Depression that I had once been able to escape and numb from returned and was even worse. Not feeling like I fit in was replaced by social acceptance and that in turn was replaced by paranoia and lack of trust for everybody.

What had started out as freeing in the end became my prison! LeCrae’s lyrics remind me of a saying I heard once at an NA meeting, “Drugs gave me wings, then they took my sky away.” That was the reality of drugs. I have seen that occur not only in my life, but in the lives of countless others. We continually make choices that we swore we would never make and cross lines we never imagined we would cross.

In order to avoid this, don’t use. If you are using, stop. Although this is easier said than done, it is not only  a possibility but a reality if you apply the 5 Pillars of Recovery to your life:

1.       Higher Power: Find something that gives you hope, validation, forgiveness and more. I found that through Jesus Christ, others have found it through the fellowship. Find something bigger than you!

2.       Meetings: Find a community of people who have struggled as you are struggling and have overcome it. This is another great place to gain strength, experience and hope. Some use AA, NA, Celebrate Recovery, Rational Recovery, small groups or an amalgam of the above.

3.       12 Steps: Find a game plan that will help you live your life better. I have found both the 12 Steps and the book of James have been great advice on how to remain sober while building a great foundation for my life as long as I apply them in my life and then follow them daily.

4.       Sponsor/Mentor: Find someone whose life you would like to have in 5 years and ask them to help you get there. If you are working the 12 steps, find someone who has applied them to their lives successfully and have them help you work through them.

5.       Accountability Partners: Put people in your life that will support your future goals and hold you accountable. They have permission to call you out and to support you, through the good and the bad and they are not afraid to do it.

So in closing, although drugs and alcohol may make you feel great at first, for many there are negative consequences down the road. When those occur, there is a solution that can help you get your life back on track and the 5 Pillars of Recovery are a great place to start. I have never seen someone who was actively engaging in all 5 who went back out and stayed there! Never forget, there is a better life in recovery!

Evil Exists

I had a gun to her head. She had turned me over to the police, made a deal with them so that she could get out of trouble. A week previous, I had come home after doing a burn (making a batch of methamphetamine) with several ounces of meth and took a shower. When I got out of the shower, there were people in my house tearing it apart that identified themselves as police. She had let them in to search. They found the meth I had brought home and arrested me.

When you get arrested, you eventually get out. I got out sooner than she thought I would. They held me for 24 hours and then let me go. She was still there when I showed up at home. I went straight to a stash spot they had not uncovered, grabbed my gun, chambered a round and grabbed her by the hair. I pushed her to the ground while putting my gun to the back of her head.

Time stopped. It was like a slow motion scene in a movie. She started crying, telling me she was sorry.  “I didn’t want to tell on you. They pulled me over with drugs and were going to put me in jail. I didn’t have a choice.” My companion was screaming at me as well, “Pull the trigger, coward. Don’t get scared now. You HAVE to do this.”

At that moment, I only knew a few things. One, I was about to make a choice I could never take back. I prided myself on never hitting a girl, and I was preparing to take one’s life. Second, although I was not sure I wanted to kill her, I knew my companion wanted me to pull the trigger and put her out of her misery. Finally, I knew that my companion was evil beyond anyone or thing I had ever met.

My companion always wanted me to hurt either myself or other people. He was there a lot in the shadows, but he only came around when things were getting ready to turn bad. He would encourage me to do the absolute worst thing. If I was going to collect money, he would remind me to take my gun. If I was in a fight, his would be the voice telling me not to quit punching and kicking long after the fight was over. If I was in a house of people I didn’t know, he would whisper in my ear, “They want to kill you. They are going to kill you. You should get them first.”

If I was thinking about quitting drugs, he would show up and remind me of all the times I had tried to quit and failed. “You have been using for over half your life. You’re never going to be able to quit. This is the only thing you are good at. You are not a quitter. DO IT! You know you want to get high. You can’t live without it.”

This time, my companion was not giving up. He was screaming at me, “Pull the trigger, coward. She tried to take your freedom away.” I turned to look at where the voice was coming from and saw my companion. He was a figure blacker than black. He was standing right behind me, darker than any shadow could possibly be. He was not all smooth lines, but his outline was jagged and rough.

I could never make out any features of his face, as his face was always dark and cloaked in shadow. The most remarkable thing about him was his eyes. They were pulsating, red eyes that burned into me every time he looked at me. The scariest thing was not the eyes, or even him being beside me in my ear but his voice. He never spoke, he shrieked and screamed and yelled. Even his whispers oozed with rage and hate.

People have asked me if he was just a shadow person. He had started out that way. Shadow people are there when you have been up too long. They come out of trees, around corners, run by you so fast you can only catch a glimpse. When you look, the figure fades away, blends in or is gone. You’re mind is unable to explain what you see, so it explains them away to something you can understand.

I was an atheist when my companion was still a shadow person, and did not believe in spirits. I rationalized what I was seeing. I would tell myself it was the wind blowing a branch, or the fact I had been up for a week and had psychosis. Sometimes I thought maybe it was the police watching me, waiting to arrest me. That is the reason so many people think they are being watched when they are not. The shadow people become COMET or DEA to them. That is what they were to me. The problem was, they seemed real and I shared the visions with other people who were with me.

If I was alone I only saw him. When I was by myself, it was just the solitary shadow man. I have talked to some people who saw groups when they are alone. Not me, I generally saw just one. When around other needle freaks, I would see more than just one. They would stand around in a group, almost like they were talking. Maybe our demons were comparing notes or sharing new ways to get us to do things we didn’t want to.

I would explain it away as a group hallucination, telling myself it was sleep deprivation or my mind playing tricks on me. Over time I started seeing him constantly in the shadows, or out of the corner of my eye. The bad part was that I was starting to see him when I was not high. He was always there lurking.

That was how it began for me, with my shadow man. Then I started to hear whispers that I could not quite make out. That advanced to the voice actually speaking to me, telling me what to do. At first the voice was harmless, encouraging my drug use and validating what I was thinking on occasion when I would think out loud. Then it began to tell me to do horrible things, to myself and to others. It was no longer a whisper, it was a scream.  Yelling and nagging at me to do things.

Then one day it appeared before me. I saw something out of the corner of my eye and when I turned to look, it was still there in the shadows watching me. From that day on he would randomly appear next to me, often at the times I was at my weakest, angriest or highest. Always egging me on, encouraging me to do the worst possible thing to either myself or other people.

There were times, like when I was contemplating not using after waking up Sunday, he would show up and remind me that I had never been able to quit and would never be able to. Today I was angry, and it was telling me to do what a part of me wanted and another part of me did not. It was telling me to pull the trigger. I was seriously thinking about it.

I started trying to reason with my companion, “I can’t pull the trigger. I really don’t want to do this.” My girlfriend started talking back to me, thinking that I was talking to her, “Then put the gun down, David. I know you don’t want to shoot me.”  I pulled her head back and started laughing in her face as I told her I wasn’t talking to her. “Who are you talking to then,” she asked? “The demon standing behind me, can’t you see him? He wants me to kill you and part of me wants to kill you as well.”

I am not sure if he showed himself to her or if the craziness of what I said scared her but as she looked behind me her face turned to sheer terror and she started screaming. Not yelling at me like she had been, trying to plead with me. There were no words, just a shrill keening. Her face froze as her eyes went wide.

I had never seen such an intense look of terror before.  The gun to her head had not caused that look of fear, but either her seeing my companion or the insanity she saw in me scared her to death. I took the gun away from her head and pulled her off her knees. “You have one hour to get your stuff and go. You have until tomorrow to be gone. You are going to leave state and go back home. I never want to see you again, or it will be a bad deal,” I told her.

She did not speak. All she did was nod and run out the door. I never saw or heard from her again. She lived with me and she left all of her stuff with me. She left her clothes, make up, purse, everything. She left it all and disappeared.

Looking back now, I hope she made it home and out of her addiction. I pray she is somewhere clean and sober, living a better life in recovery. If you are reading this, and you know who you are, I hope that you can forgive me. You are just one of the people I met in my addiction whose life I wrecked. 

When my shadow person stopped being a shadow person lurking about and started talking to me and had taken form, I stopped being an atheist. I knew that my companion was evil and that he was a spirit. He made me an agnostic, because if he existed than surely other spirits did as well. Or was it all from my imagination and random misfiring neurons in my brain? Was it the drugs working on my brain? Even when I was not high, I still had drugs in my system so it could have been that as well.

I have thought about it for years. I have talked to many other addicts who have shared the same experience that I have with my companion. Due to so many others having very similar if not the same stories, I have come to believe that my companion was a demon, and that when I was using drugs I opened myself up to forces that were evil beyond comprehension.

What is even scarier is the period of my life from 1994 – 2001 and how little memory I have of that 7 years. I almost wonder if I wasn’t possessed for large parts of that time, or if the memories just didn’t form because of all the drugs I was using and the lack of sleep I experienced. I have come to a place where I hold on to a few things about this time in my life so that I can function today:

1.      I know that evil exists and at one period in my life I made very evil choices

2.      I know that nothing good lived in me during my addiction and that all people are capable of doing things they never would believe they would do

3.      I know I am no longer the person I was in my addiction, for I have found a better life in recovery

4.      I know that I have made my life a living amends so that I can help rebuild other people’s lives today instead of destroying them like I once did

5.      I know I believe in a Higher Power I call Jesus that has freed me from my addiction and supports, encourages and guides me in all that I do today

This is actually the rough draft of the first chapter of the book I am writing. I am open to feedback. It is a little rough, but I feel that it gives people an idea of how far down I had gotten in my addiction. I also would ask that if you have had similar experiences or thoughts on what I experiences that you leave comments as I would be very interested in hearing what you have to say.

Healed People Heal People

I am sure you know the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.”  That saying means that when people are hurting, they tend to lash out and hurt others. It may be unintentional, like snapping on someone you love as soon as you get home after a long day of your boss jumping all over you like he was a 10 year old in a bounce house. It could be more intentional, you are getting abused at home by your dad so you go to school and bully kids weaker than you so that you can feel power.

If hurt people hurt people, then the opposite is true as well. Healed people heal people. Once I have overcome something, I have a unique insight into what I went through that most people don’t have. For example, I spent 25 years of my life in addiction. I have now been clean and sober for over 5 years. I know what it takes to get clean and stay that way. I can share what has helped me, what I have seen help others as well as the science that has validated some forms of treatment to be evidence-based practices.

I have several close friends, that have been diagnosed with cancer and after treatment are now either cancer-free or in remission. They have unique perspectives that I lack. One, they have been diagnosed with cancer. I have no idea what that feels like, to be diagnosed with cancer. I have never had cancer, so although I can have empathy and support someone who has cancer, my friends come from a place of wisdom that I don’t have. Second, that they have overcome that cancer through treatment. They are living proof that surviving a cancer diagnosis is not only possible, but a reality because they have first hand knowledge. They can help people that I cannot because of having lived through cancer.

Everybody has been through something. We all have been hurt in one way or another. It could be physical abuse, sexual abuse, feeling fat, being told we are worthless, being bullied, depression, cancer, child of an alcoholic/addict, grief and loss, etc. I am sure you get the idea, there are a lot of ways life hurts us. Life puts holes in our souls.

Once those holes are placed, many of us use something to escape, numb or forget the hole is there. Food, sex, money, cutting, power, alcohol and other drugs are a few of the things we use as band-aids to numb/escape our past. These bandages don’t heal the problem, they just cover them up. They are still festering underneath and more issues are being added to it.  

Fortunately, some of us figured out how to stop covering the problem up. We have learned what it takes to fix the problem. Once we have learned how to deal with the holes instead of running from them, we have unique wisdom that only someone who has gone through what we have gone through has. Once we have that wisdom, we can impart it to others. That is all part of what I call my garbage theory, which you can read about here:http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/10/why-mehow-can-i-make-peace-with-my-past_25.html

Many people live with regrets about their past choices and things that have happened to them. I have learned to embrace mine. I am not defined by them, but instead I define myself by my recovery. I realize that all those events led me to be the person I am today. The person I am today helps people, and if it was not for everything I have been through, I would not be as effective in doing that.

The same is true for you. Everyone has survived or lived through something that had an impact on them. Never forget that the past has made you who you are, and the person you are today is awesome and will only get better with time. To quote a dead jazz singer, “My God don’t make no junk.” You are not junk, and there is no reason to let your past issues define you. My past did not defeat me, instead it made me stronger and wiser than I ever would have been without it. The same is true for you!  

Shame and Fear

Shame and fear kept me trapped. I was molested from one of my earliest memories until I was in 4^th grade and we moved. It was by a baby sitter that my parents used. I was confused and ashamed while it happened. I was told I was dirty and nasty while it happened. I heard my mom talking about people touching little kids and how they were disgusting to my dad, and I thought she meant the kids so I never spoke up. I was afraid my mom and dad would think I was disgusting. I could not tell my friends, for fear they would judge me. I did not feel like I fit in with them anyway, because of the abuse. That shame and fear led me to addiction, because it numbed me. I could escape the abuse, and when I was with other people doing drugs, I felt like I fit in.

I never spoke about the abuse for the first 5 years I shared my story, because I was still ashamed and fearful of what people would think. I was never afraid to talk about my addiction and mental health issues. I have been talking about being an addict in front of classrooms of my peers since my sophomore year in college. It was for a current issues criminology class and a couple of sociology classes that sometimes had as many as 150 kids that I was currently going to school with. I talked about it at work, and never feared for my job. I talked about my addiction and bipolar disorder in front of the 700 people who attended my church, and was accepted and embraced for doing it.

I could even talk about the physical abuse from my grandpa when I was in the 5^th and 6^th grade and lived with him. I thought when I was younger he did it because he knew about me being a disgusting boy with my babysitter. I could even talk about that, without being fearful of being judged or seen as less than. But it took me years to admit the sexual abuse to anyone.

Now that I am trying to combat the stigma faced my people who struggle with addictions and mental health problems, I am running into something I was not prepared for. I should have been ready for it, because of how I once was ashamed to admit and fearful people would judge me because of being molested as a child. I guess have been sharing my story for so long that the possible stigma is no longer a concern. In fact, when I talk about it I generally have at least one person come forward after and admit that they had been molested and I was the first person they were telling.

Because of that, I was surprised by the number of people who don’t want to be involved with some of the recovery events. I was not ready for the number of people who would be unwilling to identify themselves as people with addiction and mental health struggles. Even though they are now in recovery, and that is what we are celebrating through all of the Better Life in Recovery (BLiR) events, they still are fearful of identifying themselves. They still walk with shame about the choices they made in their past and how it could impact their lives today if anyone were to find out.

“If my coworkers see me, I might not have a job tomorrow”

“What if my children’s friends’ parents are there? They may never let their kids come over again. They might not even let their kids be friends with my kids at all.”

That is still the fear we walk around with. It amazes me. Addiction is seen differently from just about every other disability and disease. The reasons for this range due to the perception of people with disabilities such as addictions and mental health issues: they never get better and they did it to themselves are the two most frequent reasons I have personally encountered. When someone has lung cancer and is in the hospital, even if they smoked two packs of non-filtered cigarettes for 30 years, I have yet to hear someone say, “So what, he did it to himself.” When someone has Parkinson’s I never hear someone say, “Who cares, you know THOSE PEOPLE never get better.”

There is a difference between the two. For starters, most other disabilities have great supporters. They have advocates who speak out for them. Most disabilities get more money budgeted at the state and federal levels each year, while prevention/recovery gets less and less. They have foundations that pour a lot of money into research, and they have frequent fundraisers that get MILLIONS OF DOLLARS donated for research.  Try holding a recovery telethon on television and see what the outcome is. I can promise it will pale in comparison to the other ones that are on television. It will also have a lot less celebrities come forward to support it.  

Then there are the judgmental attitudes; they make people fear being open and honest. That is why BLiR was created. For starters, we will try to bring in a functional prevention program into schools. Secondly, we will give people a forum to share their recovery so that others may get an idea not just about the truth and science behind addiction but the power of recovery. We will educate communities on the reality of recovery and how amazing it is. We will give people opportunities to be proud of the hard work they have invested in their recovery through advocacy and awareness events that celebrate people in long-term recovery.

That is how we change the conversation. That is how we remove fear and shame, that is how we decimate stigma BLiR style. In order to do that, we need to begin looking at funding ideas. I personally have no idea what that is going to look like. I do know that we will be putting together a Kickstarter project as well as a fundraiser in October that will attempt to raise the capital we need to finish the documentary we are currently working on. Once the documentary is completed we will then begin screening the documentary and having forums that discuss recovery. From there we will put together the program that will bring the documentary into schools and colleges so that we can discuss the dangers of addictions and the power of recovery.

If contributing either money or donations for silent auctions is something that you could do, please contact me. If you know other people who are passionate about challenging the stigma that exists or interested in prevention efforts for our youth, forward this to them. I have attached a trailer of the first several people we have interviewed for the documentary so that you can see what we are going to be doing. The money will be used to complete the documentary (travel expenses to collect more stories, video fees, editing fees, etc.), legal fees, music licensing fees, promotion, build the program to take it into schools, etc. As we get closer to October, I will know more about what we will be doing. We will be forming our nonprofit and kicking into overdrive for fundraising so that we can make our projects a reality. I can promise that October will have a fundraiser with a silent auction and we will kick off of a kickstarter campaign. The details will be coming out on facebook and in my blogs as we get closer to the events. Thank you so much for any help you can provide me.

 

Why Stigma Exists

Stigma exists because we allow it to. I will get into who we is later. First, I would like to talk about the people who I thought would stigmatize me and how their reactions turned out to be. I had preconceived notions about various people in the community, organizations in the community, and the stigma they would treat me with.

I wanted to blame the media. They are really easy to put the blame on, because the media publishes the stories about the crazy stuff that is done by people. That said, they report the crazy stuff done by sober people and people who are under the influence of chemicals. They also publish positive things done by people in recovery. I know that to be a fact, because I have seen articles published in the paper and multiple news stories on television and radio about what my organization does.

I wanted to blame the court system. After all, they sent me to prison and they arrested me on multiple occasions. Surely, they would stigmatize me and hold my past against me. Instead, they refer people to me BECAUSE of my past. I counsel individuals through the court system because of my past and where I am today. Surely I can help someone get to where I am because I was able to get there myself.

I wanted to blame employers, because they would only see me for my past and due to my actions they would never hire me. I was unemployable and I knew this because I had heard so many other people in my situation complain. The truth is, I have never had a problem getting a job. For a while, I was working multiple jobs and they all knew that I was in recovery and that I was a convicted felon. They even let me handle money and gave me keys to their businesses.

I wanted to blame the police, because they would always find reasons to pull me over and then would treat me like a piece of garbage when I did. Instead, I found that they frequently get behind me and don’t pull me over. The times that I have been pulled over, they generally treat me as well as I treat them. Have I had bad experiences in the past? Yes, and I will probably have them in the future. I have also had bad experiences at restaurants, yet I don’t glare at one in disgust every time I drive by one. There are good and bad in all people and all organizations. That is just part of life.

I wanted to blame the judgmental people in the churches, because they never would forgive me and would always judge me based on my past drug use and criminal record. What I found was they did not. I have shared my testimony in many churches, talking about being abused as a child, my addiction, my criminal record and my recovery and they ask me to come back. Several churches have entrusted me with keys to their facilities.

I wanted to blame my family. Surely they would always see me as the unreliable person I was for 20 plus years. They knew me best and had to deal with me on occasion, and those occasions were never pleasant. Instead, I have found that my mother who would not trust me in her house unless she was there let me move in so that I could get back on my feet.  I was the first person not living in the same home as my sister she trusted to watch her daughter.

Instead, the more I have stepped out into the community talking openly about both my issues and my recover, the more I have been accepted. I wish I could say that about a lot of the recovery community at large. I am met with resistance from a lot of recovery organizations because of how vocal I am in the community. I am met with resistance when I try to do events that combine the recovery communities together under one event.

Stigma exists because the recovery community allows it to. We are largely non-vocal. Instead, we try our best to stay anonymous. I realize why we do this. I was once one of those people who never talked about my past. It was over and I did not want to talk about it. Yet that did not stop me from telling war stories and reliving good old days with people.

I felt safe speaking around people who had been were I had been and was fearful of talking to people about my past that had not lived it themselves. I created my own stigma, out of fear of being judged or looked down on by other people. I was consumed by rage and depression because of this. Of course, I would never admit the depression so it all came out in anger.

By judging other people because I thought they would judge me, I robbed many people of the experience I had gained from my past. I also never gave them an opportunity to prove me wrong. We have to reach a point in our lives where shame does not exist. A place where we like ourselves and realize that without us making the choices we made in our past we would not be the people we are today. The people we are today are strong, wise people who can deal hope to the hopeless and save lives!

Instead, we remain anonymous. We need to realize that anonymity protects the people we are in groups with, but that does not mean we have to stay anonymous ourselves. You can talk about your recovery as much as you want. You can fly your recovery flag EVERYWHERE you go. Be bold and proud. Remember to represent recovery well. That is our language, our dress, our attitudes…….in fact, everything about us reflects on other people in recovery.

The squeaky wheel gets the oil, which means those who are loudest get the most attention. We need to make sure that we in recovery have a voice. That we use that voice to talk about the positive things we do today, then back that up by giving back to the community under the guise of a person who is in recovery. That way we can begin to reduce the stigma people see us with because we stop seeing ourselves as stigmatized.

Does stigma still exist? I can answer that with a resounding yes! Part of the problem, maybe even a majority of the problem we face today is of our own making. We have to find a voice. We have to educate our communities, make them aware of all the things people in recovery are capable of and do community service to give back to the communities we live in. That is a lot to put on one plate, but it must all be done.

That is where I find myself today. Wondering how I can begin making the portions on that plate smaller. I know that it can be done. I just have to figure out how I can primarily focus on stigma reduction through community education, service and awareness events. Part-time I can make a dent, full-time I could make a hole. If you have any suggestions, let me know. I am wide open to anything that can help me continue to make an impact!

Why I'll Never Use Again

I spent a majority of my life transitioning from one phase to the next in my spiritual walk. I have run the gamut from Jehovah’s Witness to atheist and back to a follower of Christ over the course of my life. I now know I will spend the rest of my life growing spiritually and never truly reaching the apex of my spiritual walk. I am perfectly okay with that. It is all about progress, not perfection.

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents went to church three times a week, and I went with them. Then I was molested by someone from my church, watched my father as his alcoholism progressed and witnessed my mother and father screaming at each other on the way to church then get out with fake smiles on their faces once we got there acting like we were the perfect family. By the time my mother left my dad and sent us to live with her father, I was lost and confused. My grandfather was an atheist, and he was also the most evil and abusive person I have ever met. My family leeched my hope and trust in anything from me.

I knew that I wanted to be nothing like any of them, so I became agnostic. There might or might not be something there, I was unsure. This is basically the flip flop option of spirituality. I refuse to commit to one side or the other, instead I balance on the fence with a precipice on either side I am unwilling to jump in to. Over time, I did commit to one side. I leaped headfirst into the atheist side. I could belittle others for their beliefs in that fairy tale they called religion. I felt that this side made me smarter, and if nothing I did really mattered that I could continue to live the life I wanted to.  After all, everything was random.

As an addict, I lacked concern for anything other than my next high or drunk. Anything that hindered that was my enemy. As an atheist, i lacked accountability. Those two combined for a perfect storm of problems for other people. 

I could manufacture and sell methamphetamine without really caring about its' impact on other people. I could seriously hurt people over tiny amounts of money (or for no reason at all) and not worry about any spiritual repercussions. I could steal from anyone, sleep with whoever I wanted to and leave them immediately after with no concerns other than legal ramifications.

Life was easy and uncomplicated. Unless the police caught me, I would never be held responsible for the things that I did. Even if they caught me, I would still never have to answer for EVERYTHING that I had done to people either intentionally or as collateral damage. My life was all about me.

I was a narcissistic hedonist. As long as I felt pleasure, it had to be right. After all, if this life was all there is, why should I not enjoy it? If it hurt someone else, that was not my fault. The law of the jungle applies, and only the strong survive. If you were weaker than me or had some kind of issue or instability, I could care less about you.

EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY! Life was too short not to live it up. I grabbed onto the James Dean mantra, live life fast and leave a good looking corpse. Carpe Diem, seize the day. After all, I could be dead tomorrow. As my addiction progressed, that changed. In my depression, I began to wish I could die. Hopelessness grew. I attempted suicide, and would have been successful if my sister and had not found me unconscious in a pool of blood. I would use to the point of overdose. I would drink and drive. I have played Russian Roulette multiple times; just me, a revolver and a single bullet. I had promised my sister I would not commit suicide and I justified Russian Roulette because it was chance.

Then I reached a point of no return, a true rock bottom that I have talked about in several other blogs. After trying jail, house arrest, probation, prison, parole, inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, 12 step programs, sponsors, medication and abstinence I did not know what else to do. When I reached the bottom of my barrel, I tried something I had long before given up on, God. I prayed, and struck a deal with God that I immediately tried to renege on the next day. But I couldn’t and I didn’t. It stuck.

I know that not everyone has the same results that I did. I prayed one day and made a deal with God. He upheld his end and I have tried to uphold mine. I have not drank, used drugs, smoked cigarettes, had premarital sex or gotten into a fight outside of a ring since that prayer. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know that I don’t have to use today.

Over time I have removed using tomorrow from the table as well. I now that I have another relapse in me. We all do. I also know that I am unsure if, in fact quite certain that I don’t, have another recovery left in the tank. I am pretty positive that the next time I use will kill me. The only relapse I have had was for 7 years and I overdosed 3 times. I have died more times than I can count on one hand and I am pretty sure I am not a cat, so I could quite possibly be out of second (or 7th) chances. 

Today I have too much to live for. I have a wife, 2 beautiful children and an amazing life. Plus, I know the damage my addiction caused and I take responsibility for that. Because of me and my drugs, lives were lost. I don’t want to ever be a part of that process again. I am here to deal hope, not steal it. I am here to save lives, not take them. I have gone from dealing dope to dealing hope and I will never go back to the way I used to be because I love the person I have become!

I see the damage that I caused in the lives of others. I was like a tornado and I left a trail of chaos and carnage in my wake.  I see the anger that I began to possess and spew while I was an atheist. I have found that neither of those choices are good for me. They are both colors that I should leave out of my wardrobe because they are unflattering. I am not saying that all addicts and atheists are the same way, but I was. I cannot be a hope dealer while I am bitter, angry and hopeless. I cannot help others when I am not even able to help myself. I had to change. I found the 5 Pillars of Recovery worked for me, as did following the platinum rule.

The 5 Pillars of Recovery

1.       Higher Power – I found Jesus. Okay, not really. It was not that Jesus was lost, I was. I gave God a chance. I turned my will and my life over to God and things have just been better. I have had experiences in my life that have convinced me that God is real! I would say my sobriety and lifestyle are living proof that God exists!!

2.       Game Plan – I use both the Bible and the 12 steps to carve out a better life for myself.

3.       Meetings – I won’t lie, I attend a lot of them on occasion. Every week I attend my Celebrate Recovery home group and attend a small group. I am also known to go to AA and NA meetings as well. Find what works best for you and then go, consistently and regularly.

4.       Sponsor/Mentor - If you want to be able to apply the 12 steps and/or the Bible to your lives and achieve the best outcome, find someone you would like to be at the level of in 5 years. Ask them to teach you how they got there, and then apply what you learn.

5.       Accountability Partners – Meet with someone consistently who you give permission to call you out on things. They can help support you and you can help support them.

Platinum rule – Treat others the way you would want them to treat the person you care about the most. That means you treat people like you would want them to treat your mom, dad, son, daughter, brother, sister, husband, wife, best friend, etc. If you would not want someone to do something to someone you love and care about, than don’t do it to someone else.

Add the 5 Pillars and the platinum rule to your life, and don’t stop using them. This is not a temporary change, this is a life long lifestyle change! The reason I don’t go back to using drug/alcohol/sex/cigarettes/violence, etc is that I have made my recovery a priority. I do recovery oriented things on a daily basis, multiple times each day. You do not get good at anything by not doing it. Practice makes you good, and once you get good at something only practice keeps you doing it well. I will never settle for good. I want great, so I practice the 5 Pillars and apply the platinum rule to all that I do. Finally, I have found one more additive that has made my recovery strong.

Community service is the missing link in many a program. It is not absolutely necessary for recovery, but it will make your recovery that much stronger and enjoyable. It is the icing on the cake. Community service says, “I used to destroy resources, now I am one!” This leads to more self-confidence, self-respect and self-worth. It makes the foundation of your recovery that much stronger!

Finally, spread the message of hope and strength found in recovery with anyone and everyone you come into contact with! I call myself a hope dealer, and you can be one too. Recovery is amazing, and so are you. Recovery is not only a possibility, it is a guarantee if you apply the 5 Pillars and work them. Let people know it! Together we will transform lives by sharing recovery and chip away at the stigma surrounding addiction and recovery until it is gone!

What is Your Mission

Everyone knows the great philosophical question, "Why are we here?" That is not what we are talking about today. Instead, the question becomes, "Why am I here?" This question brings up more questions: Is there a point to this thing I call life? Do I have a purpose? How do I want to be remembered? What is my life's mission?

As we address this the word mission is synonymous with the words calling, goal or aim. So, what is your calling in life, what goals do you want to accomplish and what direction in life are you aiming to go?

Today, I challenge you to ask yourself a question and let that answer lead you on a journey the rest of your life. How do I want to be remembered? When people think about me, how do I want them to think of me? This is where some people say they don't care what other people think about them. I hope that selfishness and narcissism are not part of your character and you don't feel that way. 

How do you want to be remembered? All of us have legacies that will be here after we turn to dust. It could be children, siblings, nieces/nephews, god children, best friends, friend's kids,people we mentor/sponsor, businesses, organizations or even written/video records (newspaper articles, Facebook pages, blogs, books, etc).

Whether we like it or not, we all leave a footprint in this world. We all have an impact on people in our lives and often an impact on people we may never meet. Contrary to how I once felt, what I do matters. What each and everyone of you does matters, to someone or something. Every action has consequences.

I don't care who you are or what you believe in, if you are living your life to make yourself and the people around you better, you are doing something right. If you aren't living your life that way, you are doing something wrong. That said, what do you want to accomplish with your life and can people tell your mission by the way you are living your life? If not, how can I change that? Apply a basic psychological theory from the cognitive behavioral school.

Here is where rational living theory comes into play. It is a theory by Aldo Pucci that says you need to do two things than ask yourself 3 questions before you do things.

·         Step 1 - First, put together a list of your goals.

·         Step 2 - Compile a list of feelings you desire.

·         Know come the three Questions:

·         Question 1 - Is what I am thinking of doing rational?

·         Question 2 - Will doing this being me closer to accomplishing my goals?

·         Question 3 - Will doing this elicit the feelings I want to have?

If you can answer yes to these 3 questions, than it becomes something you can do.

I had a way of doing that before I heard of Mr. Pucci. When I got clean and sober, I struggled with something Mark Lundholm calls first thought wrong. In my case, it was more like first 5 thoughts wrong. I needed some way to focus on doing the right thing, and it was hard because I had spent the last 2 plus decades doing the wrong thing. This was a theory I came up with. I call it the 3 questions that changed my life. If you do not believe in God, than ask yourself the 2nd and 3rd questions only.

This is really simple, anytime you do anything, ask yourself these 3 questions before you do it.

·         Question 1 - If God were standing right next to me, would I do this?

·         Question 2 - If the person I love the most (son/daughter, little brother/sister, niece/nephew, mom/dad, partner) was standing right here next to me, would I do this?

·         Question 3 -  Is this something I would want the person I love the most to do?

If you cannot say yes to all three of those questions, don’t do it. It really is that simple. The person I used for the one I loved the most was my son.  I realized that as much as he loved me and looked up to me he would repeat the things he saw me do. This really helped me make decisions better which in turn helped me make huge strides in accomplishing my life's goals.

Why is what we do so important in accomplishing your life's mission? Because how we act and the things we do speak much louder than what we actually tell people we want to do and how we want to be seen. Imagine I want people to know there is a better life in recovery. I want the community around me know that people in recovery are no longer the people they once were!

What I do, how I act and what I say impact all of that in huge ways. I am always on stage, because I am proud of my recovery and I speak out about recovery, addiction and stigma issues all of the time in the communities around me. Because of that people watch what I do and listen to what I say. They do the same with you, whether you know it or not. What you say and do matters, whether you care or not.

The biggest roadblock standing in the way of reducing the stigma that surrounds addiction, mental health and recovery are the people in recovery. It is not the community! I have found a lot of people who have been very receptive to seeing the positive change that comes with recovery and seeing me for the person I am today even though they know the person I once was.

In order to accomplish a mission, you never waver. You never take your eye off of the prize. If you slip, you get right back up and continue forward while learning from the slip to avoid it in the future. Never back down, never surrender, and never settle. I know you might want to be good, but never forget that you can be great! You can accomplish anything you set your mind to!

Letting Go and Letting God Can Be Tough

There are not a lot of things out there that really worry me anymore. I have found that as my sobriety and spiritual walk have coalesced into recovery I have gotten really good at letting go and letting God. There are some times that I don’t have enough hours in the day and things get placed on the backburner, but I have come to accept these as part of a normal life. I have a relatively stress-free life when you look at everything I do.

Today, I am not feeling that stress-free. In fact, for the last couple of days I have been feeling large amounts of stress. It has to do with a lot of things out of my control and others that are in my control but that could be impacted by things out of my control. There are multiple issues I have coming at me currently.

First thing is the thing fully out of my control. I just got off of vacation and spent a couple of my days off in the hospital. I am seeing a surgeon on Friday to schedule gallbladder surgery. Due to a previous surgery for a hernia, it is possible I could have scar tissue built up that could make it impossible for them to do laparoscopic surgery. IF they can do laparoscopic I might only be out for a few days. If there is scar tissue I could be out for 4-6 weeks. That is a difficult one for me to swallow for multiple reasons.

I am busy. I know that a lot of people are busy, but I have a full plate. I have two children to raise and a family I need to give the personal time they deserve, building both my recovery and my relationship with Christ, a full time job, starting a non-profit, leading up 3 large community events that I am grateful to have teams helping me with, a weekly blog, a monthly community service project, a conference presentation next month, leading a step study, being the assimilation coach at Glendale’s Celebrate Recovery coupled with public speaking, teaching at CR meetings and sitting on two boards plus needing to finish writing my book. I am busy.  

This surgery has me realizing that I am human and once I have the surgery my juggling act is out of commission for a little bit. I cannot always keep umpteen balls in the air at all times without having some of them fall. That is reality for most people. In my world, that reality is unacceptable. I cannot let people down or fulfill my roles. That was the guy I was in addiction and I cannot ever be that guy again. That is the hard part for me to let go of.

No matter how far I am from the guy I used to be, I find that I still judge myself and the people’s perception of me based on who I was years ago in my addiction. I am so afraid that I will let people down and they will see me as a fake. I know that I am not fake. I know that I am not the person I used to be. I realize who I am today and that this is the person most people see when they look at me, but there are times that my depression and anxiety get the best of me and the last two days have been that way.

I realize the insanity of this thinking, but at times it is pervasive and convincing. This past week, as I realized that I may be out for 4-6 weeks due to the surgery if the scar tissue exists really hit me. If I am out that long, I have some major issues coming up:

1.       I am out of work for a month without that much PTO and my bills will still be due.

2.       I love going to White Water and Silver Dollar City with my family every week and that will not happen for a while.

3.       I have a planning meeting that I may not be able to lead.

4.       I have a training I may not be able to go to.

5.       I may miss CR for a couple of weeks and not be able to volunteer like I normally do for a while there or in the community.

6.       I still need several large sponsors and donors for the events.

7.       I need to get people registered and tickets sold for the events and it is getting down to the wire.

I need to, I have to, I must……………………………………..

Stop!

Breathe!

Think!

Will it be 2 days or 4 weeks, who knows? The surgeon will probably not know until the day of surgery. Have bills always gotten paid somehow? Of course they have, and they will this time too. I will still have time with my family. It might not be the most fun time we have shared together, but we will still be together and that is more than a lot of families have. I have people who can step up and fill in for me at work, with the non-profit planning committee and at CR.

Sponsors, donors, registration and tickets? I give that one to God and I pray that the teams who are working on the events continue to do the amazing jobs that they have been doing and everything will work out fine!

I need to slow my roll and remember all I have to be grateful for. I have an amazing wife, 2 great kids, a job that treats me like family and some really good people in my life. I am blessed and there is no surgery that will change all that I have in my life. I know this, but sometimes I have to remind myself about it.

In recovery and my faith I have made monumental changes and the person I am today is the person people see when they look at me. The problem is not the way people see me, but instead the way I am afraid that people see me. I judge myself harshly, not every one else. At times that is the hardest thing to remember. When I remember all of this I can let go and let God do what He does best, which is continue making me a better person!   

I Am Not Cured!

I try to stay out of most discussions that I see. I know that I can come across a little strong for some people’s tastes, and I am trying to build bridges between recovery and the community, not burn them. Occasionally, I hear something that I cannot help but address because there is a lack of knowledge in the statement and my desire is that all people have knowledge about addiction and recovery so that they can stop spreading misinformation, half-truths and faulty information. What someone had said was, “Addiction is not a disability because it can be cured. You can’t cure a disability.”

I wanted to scream, “YOU CANNOT CURE ADDICTION!!!” but I controlled the urge. Instead, I carefully thought out my reply. As someone in long-term recovery, I feel that it is my job to educate people and that generally needs to be done with carefully worded sentences. Too little and the point is not made, too much and you become offensive and the point is not heard. I had several questions pop into my head at once:

Can addiction be cured?

What does cured mean?

Am I cured?

Being cured to me means that I can use again. I know for a fact that I cannot use again. I have proven that to myself several times. I have quit using, and then relapsed. Each time that I relapsed, I thought that I could control my use. I was wrong, I lost control. I have discovered I was not and never will be cured. I can, however, control my addiction by not using. I don’t pick up. It is that easy. Okay, maybe not easy at times, but it is doable if you have the right supports.

So, how was I going to explain this without being abrasive and still get my point across? Then it hit me. I thought about one of my friends who is allergic to shellfish. By not eating shellfish, he was able to avoid the allergic reaction and not go into anaphylactic shock. As I thought about him, I realized I was ready to make my point and educate someone a little better about addiction and recovery.

“As someone in long-term recovery from addiction, I guarantee you that I am not cured. As someone who has worked with hundreds and encountered thousands of people struggling with addictions and in recovery I have yet to meet someone that was an addict or alcoholic that was cured of their addiction. I have over 5 years of recovery, but that is because I have not picked up and used. If I were to pick up and use again I would find out that I am still an addict. I am cured the same way someone who is allergic to shellfish is cured. They don’t eat shellfish; therefore they do not have allergic reactions. Just because they have not had that allergic reaction for 5, 10 or even 25 years does not mean that they can now eat shellfish. They will have that problem for life. The same is true for addiction. I cannot nor will I ever use again, because my addiction is controlled by not using but it is in no way cured!”

That was the conversation. It was understood and received well. I made my point and was civil in doing it. I helped educate a “normie” about addiction and recovery in a way that I never could have before. In my addiction, I would have yelled or bullied him into my way of thinking. Imagine a firehouse aimed at a tea cup, that was my way of dealing with problems in the past. Blast anything hard enough, and  the problem disappears. That is what recovery has done for me. I don’t have to yell or cuss to get my point across. Instead, I can use reason, logic and knowledge. It alienates less people and helps decimate some of the stigma surrounding addiction; that we are unable to change.

Never being cured is the conversation we need to have with each other because it is the truth. Thinking otherwise has killed handfuls of my friends and clients. We are not cured, instead our disease is controlled. It is the same with diabetes or food allergies. They can be controlled so that an amazingly productive life can be lived. Thinking of myself as cured could end the productive and joyous life I have built. I am better, but that does not mean that the devil I call addiction is not still in the back of my head. He is lifting weights, running on a treadmill and doing research on a computer getting stronger and smarter. To keep the life I have worked so hard to build, there are steps I must take.

I highly recommend the 5 Pillars of Recovery. With the help of the 5 Pillars, I have been clean and sober for over 5 years when in the past the longest I had stayed sober was for 3 months and 2 of that was residential treatment. The pillars are of upmost importance and here they are:

1. Higher Power- Mine is Jesus Christ. It must be something you can get forgiveness, validation, love and hope from.

2. Sponsor/Mentor - Find someone whose life you want and let them show you how they got it. This is your coach.

3. AccountabilityPartners- Think teammates who share the same goal you do, living an amazing life unencumbered by their hurts, habits and hang ups.

4. 12 Steps/The Bible- This is the game plan your sponsor will teach you so that you can live life to the fullest.

5. Meetings (Celebrate Recovery, AA, BA, Small Groups)- This is the locker room that prepares you for the game we call life.

There are other needs, such as prayer, meditation, community service and changing playgrounds and playmates. Apply the 5 Pillars and liberally apply them in your life and I GUARANTEE you can and will step into recovery!

 

P.S.- For those who are wondering, addiction is a disability. According to the American’s With Disabilities Act (ADA), “individuals who are addicted to drugs, have a history of addiction, or who are regarded as being addicted have an impairment under the law. In order for an individual's drug addiction to be considered a disability under the ADA, it would have to pose a substantial limitation on one or more major life activities.” So according to the government, addiction can be considered a disability. Recovery is a strength that only those who have struggled with disabilities have!