Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I have been through several bad break-ups. I can count on one hand the number of break ups I have had that hurt me, and of those three were truly brutal. I am going to talk about the most recent break up that I had. This is one of the ones that really hurt me. For those of you that know me, you may be a bit surprised at this since it happened earlier this year.

About 6 months ago I had a 5 year relationship end. I was beginning to have doubts about the relationship, and was uncertain how to move forward. Should I end it, should I work through it. I didn't really know what I was going to do for sure. I talked about my dilemma with a group of friends at my birthday party and somebody went and told. My ex found out, and the decision I was unsure of making was made for me.

It hurt me, but I don't think I realized the extent of that pain until recently. It has really made it hard to move forward, but I am getting ahead of myself. To help you understand why it hurt me so bad, I feel that I should start at the beginning. The summer before I started 9th grade, I was fixed up by my dad and step-mother in a relationship. I know that sounds weird, but it happened. I guess they thought they knew what was best for me.

So we started seeing each other. As we got to spending more time together, we started having more and more in common. We spent a lot of time together, and suddenly we had the same interests. We shared hobbies and soon all of our friends were shared. It was then that I decided to open up and let someone in.

Dropping my walls and opening up was really rough for me. I had lost faith at a young age. I was abused physically, sexually and emotionally by people that were supposed to care and protect me. I thought I would never leave myself open to be hurt again. It took me some time, but I felt myself starting to care and trust again. I was beginning to believe it could happen.

I was wrong. Less than a year into that relationship, it ended. I made a couple of mistakes that I did not feel were that serious, and yet I was told we were done. When that happened, I had most of my friends stripped from me. In this break up, all of our friends chose sides and it wasn't mine. They sided with my ex and stopped talking to me.

I was hurt, but it was only a year relationship and I got over it. I made new friends pretty quickly, or so they thought. The truth was, the walls were back up and they were stronger and more impenetrable than ever. I was not going to let anyone or anything get to close to me. To insure that, I started using drugs and alcohol on a daily basis. It numbed me and allowed me to keep my distance.

I did this for years. I used more frequently and in larger amounts as my addiction grew. Soon I was confident that I would never be hurt again. I took pride in it, and most of my friends became people that were either hurt like I was or were celibate. Then I met a couple that changed the way I felt. They were in a relationship that was unlike any I had seen. It was real.

They talked to me about getting into a relationship like they had.  The more time I spent around them, the more I could see that their relationship was genuine and I wanted what they had. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted to trust again. More than anything, I wanted to have hope again. I was fresh out.

So finally I let them set me up. I was very wary at first. I was slow to open up. We would only go out once or twice a month. Even though I saw my friend's relationship was real, I was reticent to open up again. I had already seen what would happen if a relationship went south. I had seen it before, and I was sure that it would happen again if I opened up. I did not want to hurt like that again.

Over time, as we continued seeing each other, I began to get comfortable. I heard the things I needed to hear and began to develop feelings but I denied them. I continued to keep my distance and kept my walls up. Then one night I had a life changing event and decided to give it a chance. I would open myself up again and really pour myself into the relationship.

And pour I did. We began seeing each other a couple of times a week. I found myself talking about the relationship with my friends and coworkers, as well as telling them all the reasons I felt as I did. Soon, I began to believe that this time was different and I really opened up. My faith was restored, and I finally began to trust again.

Soon, almost all of the friends we had were shared. Our weekends revolved around each other, and we would frequently see each other during the week as well. We picked up a couple of shared hobbies, and I was sold. This time I was pretty sure I had found the one.

As I felt this, I began to read about other relationships and what people thought of them. I read books written by some of the most prominent authors on relationship; from both the present and the past. I also read what many consider to be the ultimate guide on relationships, the Bible. You see, the relationship I am talking about is the relationship I had with the church. The authors I am talking about are Francis Chan, Os Guiness, Charles Spurgeon, A.W. Tozer, G. Campbell Morgan, etc.

They made me start to look at the church I was going to in a different way. Then I began to see some faults. I felt some of the things I had partnered with them on were not supported the way I saw them support other people. Things had changed, some for the better and some of them for the worse. It was the ones that had changed for the worse I had issues with.

The church had opportunities to make things better in my opinion, and they did not. I decided to visit a couple of other churches to see what they had to offer. There were a lot of differences between the church I attended, the ones I visited and the mission of the church the authors I was reading espoused.

I wrote a blog called "The Secular Church" about those differences after a particularly bad experience at a church I visited. I was not sure what I wanted to do. I needed some input. My wife threw a surprise birthday party for me and invited my close friends. One of my friends talked about switching churches, and I said that I was having some thoughts about it too. I told my friends that I was unsure of what to do and we talked about the problems I was having then we went our separate ways.

Somehow church leadership found out about the struggles I had talked about at my birthday party.  That, coupled with the blog I had written, led to a divide between the church and me. I am unsure if it was hurt feelings or pride on my side, their side or both that caused the division. There were awkward things said and done. Even if I had wanted to stay, at this point my wife and I felt like we could not. It culminated with my wife being asked not to sing on a Sunday she was scheduled to lead worship.

At that point we stopped attending, and started looking for a new church. This is where we find ourselves now. I have not been attending a church regularly or consistently since the break up. I find myself on Sundays struggling to make it to church. I wake up on Sundays and I am not excited like I used to be for church. Instead, I am once again wary and putting up walls to keep me safe. I don't want to get hurt again. It has happened twice before.

My first experience with church was going with my parents. My parents would yell and scream at each other all the way there, then get out of the car and act like nothing had happened. Our parents had a friend of theirs from the church babysit us and that was the person who molested me. This is why I stopped attending church in the 4th grade.

Five years later I was made to go to the Kingdom Hall. That is the prior relationship I was talking about in 9th grade. I was lulled in and gave the church another try. One of the elders at the Kingdom Hall had two daughters. I made out with one of them, and my step-brother made out with the other. Nothing happened to the elder's daughters. My step-brother and I were disassociated, which means that we were excommunicated from the church and everyone there was forbidden to talk to us.

I am right back to where I was after that last time, only this time my friends are not forbidden from talking to me. Instead, it just seems kind of awkward. I talk to them and they ask what happened, if I answer their question they get offended. Some of the people who used to call me frequently have stopped calling me. Most of our shared friends don't seem to be as friendly as they once were. That is one of the ways it feels like past break ups.

Then there are the people who we run into that don't know we are no longer attending the same church. It is like running into someone you have not seen in a while who asks how you and your partner are doing when you are no longer together. Just a couple of weeks ago, I ran into someone who asked why my wife Julie was no longer singing. When I told them we were no longer going there, they were shocked. They thought we were just going to a different service then they were and they wanted to know why we left.

That is another difficulty, how do you answer that question, "Why don't you go there any more?" I always answer that question, as the Bible tells us to always bring to light things done in the dark. That and I have always been a pretty honest person since I got saved. Some would say I am too open and honest.

The problem now is that I compare every church to the last one I went to. I want all that was right with my old church coupled with all of the things I thought were wrong corrected to be present. Then it has to be a place that can use the God given talents that my wife and I have been blessed with. Unfortunately, I am having trouble getting close to any church. I am making excuses to not go to church which is a bad deal but I have good cause.

I am separated from the church I considered to be my home for 5 years as well as many of my friends. Since I had invested so much into it, I guess that it will take a lot longer to work through than I had originally thought it would. But I am coming to realize a couple of things that may help me as I pray on them and turn them over to God.

I forgot that churches are filled with people, who are imperfect. I realize that as hurt, confused and betrayed as I feel I am sure that there must have been others who felt the same way at my old church or it would not have ended as it did. I think that a big part of my pain was not leaving on my terms but instead feeling no longer welcome and my wife being asked not to sing. I took it as personally as my blog must have been taken by others.

In closing I ask for prayer for both my wife and I. We need understanding and strength to work through our still present confusion and hurt as well as a new home church that is Biblically sound, community focused and can use the abilities and gifts my wife and I have to further their ministries.

The Secular Church

The church is changing to meet the people. There are positive and negative ways the church is adapting. It is positive to address the modern issues people face with recovery/support groups and small groups. I love that churches are reaching out to help the community with outreaches and food banks. That is what Christians are supposed to do. I also really enjoy Christian concerts in the community, even though some are part worship/part entertainment. Those are all good things. Unfortunately, there are also negative ways the church is changing.

I am talking about church service conforming to stay relevant and cool. We have Domino Pizza church services that deliver church in 60 minutes, or your money back. On top of that we use secular music and cultural themes to pack the pews. When you have 15 minutes allotted for worship, 2 minutes for announcements, a 30 minute sermon, 5 minutes for collection and another 5 minutes for prayer then we see you out the door so we can get the next service started.............Houston, we have a problem.

What if the Holy Spirit leads you to teach, pray or worship longer? We have placed the Holy Spirit in a box, putting time constraints on worship, sermons and even prayer. Church used to be one of the most important things of the week. It is that way no longer. The entire day used to be built upon church and fellowship. Now we have to be in and out quickly so that we can get back home in time for football games, the latest box office smash or to see how our brackets are doing.

Francis Chan said the church now proclaims, "Hi, welcome to church. Here's your bulletin. We'll get you out in an hour. Come back next week." He asks, "What would the church look like today if we really stopped taking control of it and let the Holy Spirit lead? I believe this is exactly what the world needs to see."

We have reached an era where we no longer place importance on spending time with Christ. We appeal to the masses living a fast food life by giving them fast food church. Many in the church now believe that modern culture is needed to bring people in, so they are basing sermons around culturally fun, relevant things. Charles Spurgeon, who died over 120 years ago, could just as well have been speaking about the church today when he said:

"The devil has seldom done a cleverer thing than hinting to the Church that part of their mission is to provide entertainment for the people, with a view to winning them. My first contention is that providing amusement for the people is nowhere spoken of in the Scriptures as a function of the church.  If it is a Christian work, why did not Christ speak of it? The mission of amusement produces no converts. The need is biblical doctrine, so understood and felt that it sets men on fire."

Os Guiness says, "The only place the Church is strong in the West is ordinary people in America, which are largely evangelicals, and if you look at the evangelical community, it’s anti-intellectual. It’s handicapped, populist, and incredibly worldly. In many cases, the Church is shaped more by the world than by the Gospel of Christ."

The world needs a fresh drink of water, not the same Kool Aid they've been gulping down their entire lives. Why do some churches feel the need to give the unchurched what they already know? Is that what the Bible said? "Go out and make disciples of all nations, using the Word of God and providing entertainment they can relate to so they will come to church. Also, tone down the message so as not to offend. Remember, wide is the gate that leads to salvation and many will storm through it as your church grows larger and larger!" I must have missed that part of the Bible.

A.W. Tozer said, "We who preach the gospel must not think of ourselves as public relations agents sent to establish good will between Christ and the world. We must not imagine ourselves commissioned to make Christ acceptable to big business, the press, the world of sports or modern education. We are not diplomats but prophets, and our message is not a compromise but an ultimatum." Christ said that the world would hate us, as it hated Him yet we are trying to appease everyone.

Francis Chan calls the current American church "lukewarm." We are warned of this in Revelation 3:15,16, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth." This is what we are doing by trying to create a middle ground between Christ and the world, being lukewarm. We have forgotten there is no middle ground. This is Satan's world. You are either the problem or the solution; not of this world or in it with 2 feet firmly planted. 

The church is doing a great disservice to those searching for hope. The nonbeliever comes to church for something different and supernatural, and is instead given what is common and known. We were told to be salt and light, but we are becoming tasteless and allowing the darkness of the world to enter into our churches. How are people to find hope, salvation or a reason to change how they are living when they hear a primary message that shouts, "Watch, read, speak and live as you want to, Jesus loves you as you are! See, we are just like you."

When the church begins to resemble the world it is in, that goes completely against what Jesus taught. He said that they would hate us, as they had hated him. James 4:4 says, "anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God." That means we may lose some friends and alienate some people when they step into our churches. They should hear the salvation message instead of what they are hearing.

Christianity Today said, "The current state of our preaching is driven by an admirable desire to show our age the relevance of the gospel. But our recent attempts have inadvertently turned that gospel into mere good advice-about sex, about social ethics, about how to live successfully. This either offends or bores our culture. A renewed focus on the Cross is the only way forward."

 We rely on being culturally relevant and preaching a "feel good" message as opposed to focusing on discipline and discipleship. It is no wonder we are losing our youth to the secular world. They do not have the Biblical knowledge to defend their faith, let alone live it while teaching and discipling others. Since this is the culture of the church, we are setting our youth up for failure. The Berean Call recognized this, and said:

 “During the last three decades, many have experienced Christianity in church settings that major in entertainment rather than in teaching the Scriptures and disciplining those who attend. Thus, they are the products of years of church-growth marketing schemes that have attempted to fill pews with the "unchurched" and keep them coming back by using consumer-oriented tactics. It's a "keep the customer happy," seeker-friendly approach that has critically diluted biblical content as churches compete with the world in order to interest their youth. The outcome has resulted in a shallow Christianity for millions of young professing Christians.”

G. Campbell Morgan, who died almost 70 years ago saw this and said, "When amusement is necessary to get people to listen to the gospel there will be failure.  This is not the method of Christ. To form an organization and provide all kinds of entertainment for young people, in order that they may come to the Bible classes, is to be foredoomed to failure."

We don't need entertainment and a "feel good" gospel; we need the message of salvation through Christ. There is no need to water down the gospel, for ALL scripture is inspired by God and beneficial! Instead of telling sinners how to be saved and live differently, we are teaching them they can continue in their sinful ways. I share recovery, not sobriety with people. It is not enough for someone to simply be sober, for there is so much more to it than not that. Same with being saved, there is so much more to it than simply accepting Christ.

In recovery we have dry drunks, in the church we have plastic Christians. Their foundation is unstable and likely to fall at any moment because they have only started the change and never moved forward with it. They are coming to church not because they want to make a sacrifice and put Christ first and foremost. They come because of what they feel Christ can do for them, or because they are afraid of what may happen if they don't accept Christ and go to church. This is merely accepting.

Ask anyone who works the 12 steps; acceptance is only step 1! There are still 11 steps remaining. Acceptance of Christ with no changes in character or behavior is a scary way to live. We are encouraging the dead faith James talked. He said that you can't have faith without works. Once you have truly accepted Christ, your life will begin to change. You will begin to live differently for all the right reasons. I did not start believing in God and stop drinking, drugging, cussing, smoking cigarettes, having premarital sex and fighting out of fear or because I was entertained.

My life didn't change because the worship team played Mustang Sally or Dave Matthews. It happened because I heard Christian music address my issues in the Third Day song, "Cry Out to Jesus" Brandon Heath's song, "I'm Not Who I Was" and "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real. It didn't change because someone told me how to relate a Harry Potter book to a lesson in the Bible. Instead the associate pastor met with me and introduced me to Lee Strobel's book, The Case for Christ, which examined the historical evidence for Christ.

My life didn't change because the church directed me to a Narcotic's Anonymous group like the one I was used to going to. Instead I was introduced to a faith-based recovery/support group called Celebrate Recovery. It helped me see some things differently. First, it let me see that a lot of people have struggles they cope with in unhealthy ways besides drugs and alcohol. I also realized I am no better or worse than everyone else, because everyone struggles. Finally, it showed me Christians aren't the judgemental hypocrites I had always known them to be.

My life didn't change because the first sermon I heard talked about a movie I had just seen and how it related to the Bible in one way or another. My life changed because I heard  a message of forgiveness and salvation. I was told that "all have sinned." I heard that Paul struggled with doing the right thing, because it was his nature to sin. In fact, Paul said he was the worst of sinners yet was still saved by grace. Then I was told to make my body a living sacrifice and not  to conform to the world. That changed me, not on the surface but at my very core. It gave me hope!

After over 2 decades of debauchery and Agnosticism I was changed because the Holy Spirit gave me hope in the knowledge of Christ's unconditional love and redeeming grace. I did not want to let Him down. The Holy Spirit led me to begin changing my life. I wanted to be like Christ and make him as proud of me as I possibly could. I still do. I know I will never be perfect, but my program has taught me it is progress not perfection. If there is no progress there is something wrong! I don't make progress because I get anything for it, but because I love God and have put Him first.

I think of the love my son  has for me. He does everything he can to emulate what I do and to make me proud of him. He knows what pleases me and he tries to do it. When he can't do what I do or he fails in impressing me, he continues practicing and tries again. He does this simply because he loves me. He loves to see me smile at him and know that I am proud of him. Same reason I strive to do better in my life. I want to know that how I live is pleasing to God.

My life is a gift from God, and how I live my life shows God my gratitude. The problem today is that some churches are not preaching that message. They are using seeker-friendly, "feel good" sermons filled with fluff and acceptance of sins. In using almost doctrine, the unchurched are almost introduced to Christ and are taught how to almost live Christ-like. Because of that many find themselves almost putting Christ first and are almost not of this world. The problem I see today is many will almost get to heaven because they almost got saved.