Why Me....How can I make peace with my past? Part 2

I would wonder for days, "Why me?" and it got me absolutely no where. I would try to escape my past by doing good things: volunteering to help my friends move, giving the panhandler money, community service and even counseling. Yet no matter what I did, I could never come to any kind of peace with who I was, what I ha done and what had been done to me.

That question would repeat itself over and over in my head, and I never had a good answer. Was I born unlucky, did God hate me, was I the devil's special project? Why, why, why did all of these negative things happen to me. If bad things in life were garbage, I could have started a land fill at birth and would have been out of room by now. I was stuck in the victim role for years.

Somewhere along the way I discovered that I was not a victim and accepted the things that I had done and what had been done to me as simply a part of my life that I had to go through. That said, there was still that part of me that wondered why did I have to go through it? Why me............? What was the purpose of everything that had happened to me? I was stuck in the survivor role with those questions, and not having the answers fueled my drinking and increased my acting upon the other "character defects" that I have.

Over time I came to realize what the purpose was! I realized why I had gone through all that I had, why I had made the choices that I had made, and why I was still here when it has killed so many others. I call it my trash/garbage theory. It is why the 12th step is so vitally important for those who are in addiction. It is why we not only get experience, strength and hope from others but we also share ours with them. We have to own our past and see it for what it is.

Imagine that everything in our past is garbage. The poor choices we make, the things that others do to us, the trouble that we get into with the legal system, etc. I mean everything that happens. We tend to not really deal with it and keep it inside of us. We are like a huge hoarder, and our lives become full and stressful. That is the victim stage. We have all of this inside and we are internalizing it.

Once we accept what has happened to us we externalize it. We realize that many things are beyond our control and that addiction is a disease. This allows us to throw the stuff out. We are now in the survivor role, which leaves us questioning what has happened to us. We accept that things happen, but we do not see the purpose behind it and it takes on no meaning. There is still no purpose! Because of that, the garbage we have now been able to get rid of just sits outside of us and begins to accumulate.

We now are creating a landfill that begins to mound up, and to be honest it has no purpose other than to stink and destroy our view. We have now built a trash site, and the garbage begins to accumulate. When your everyday view overlooks a stinking landfill site, your demeanor does not improve. It causes us anxiety, depression, anger, fear, etc. We now have feelings that are overwhelming us because there is still little to no hope or positivity. Then, the magic happens!

We suddenly think of what the purpose is.........LIGHTBULB!!! What are the uses of trash? The only one that I can think of is compost. Compost is breaking down our garbage and using it for fertilizer. What do I have to turn into compost? I am someone who has/is: an addict, attempted suicide, convicted of felonies, done time in prison, a recipient of childhood abuse, overdosed several times, woke up in the middle of the night from shakes that I had to drink to make go away so that I could go back to sleep, dropped out of high school, seen multiple friends die, lost a parent to suicide, been diagnosed with multiple mental health disorders, a child of an alcoholic, parents who divorced when I was young, always felt alone, violent, scared but afraid to admit it, etc.

As you can see, I have a lot of garbage in my past. I have also once I discovered it had the ability to use that trash to build up others. I can use overcoming all of my past choices and tragedies to give hope and instill strength in those who are still suffering in their addictions. I can also help those who have not yet began using drugs/alcohol/food/sex/violence/shopping/codependency/etc. as a way to cope, escape and numb to let them know how it can end up.

That is the positive reason for my horrific past. I have wisdom now that I never would have had without my past. Wisdom only comes from experiencing something and battling it. Those things that I have experienced and overcame have given me vital information that I can pass onto others. I can share my strength, experience and hope with them. I can save lives! I am like a doctor, nurse, paramedic, fire fighter! I have been giving training from my past that enables me to save peoples lives today.

How exciting is that? To know that what you once felt guilt over, which you internalized into shame and self-loathing, now has positive power! It can enable people to make better choices. It can save lives and make families stronger. The longer I am sober, the bigger my responsibility to help others. The greater the negative coming in, the greater the positive going out. As Einstein said, "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

For me the action was the negative choices and negative things that others did to me. The reaction is giving my testimony and sharing how incredible my life is now. I am eternally optimistic because I have seen rock bottom and came back on top. For that I am blessed, and I will share my story to inspire others to attain true recovery. I am in recovery from the consequences of life and I love to share my struggles and victories with all that I meet. I know for me, that has made all of the difference!!!

Youtube Atheist.........Why So Serious?

I watched a video on youtube that stated it had questions for Christians. I figured that I would watch the video. The video ended by saying that God is 100% imaginary and stated that people who believe in imaginary people are delusional. It stated that we live with fantasies and that relying on faith was a childish thing to do. People of faith needed to grow up and think rationally. After it was over I left a comment.

The comment was as follows, "I would say that due to the breaking of laws of physics and thermodynamics as well as the statistical "miracles" that had to occur in order for the Big Bang to be successful that this route is also delusional. So how are we here? That is the question that you have to answer? I would argue that both Christians and scientific answers rely on faith. The only difference is that the Christian will truthfully tell you that faith is part of their answer. There are proofs, but faith is needed."

I immediately got a reply, "You would say that, you expletive expletive." I asked why the profanity, and the reply was, "It's how I talk to retards, morons, cretins, idiots, imbeciles, deluded losers and mental spastics."

By this time, I was of course impressed by the intellect of my speaker, so I replied in kind, "Oh, so it was self-directed. At first I thought that it was directed at me, but I am the one talking intelligently. Or is vulgarity what passes for intelligence with you?"

To which he retorted, " It's obviously directed at you, you lying expletive expletive expletive."

I replied, "Wow, I have to stop replying. I refuse to stoop to your intellectual level. Food for thought: Why is it when someone disagrees with the view point of the unschooled/unintelligent, they automatically resort to profanities and insults? Is it the lack of vocabulary that stops you from being able to elucidate your view without them?"

His reply was, " I have a 2:1 honours degree in English Literature, but I found that theists are too stupid to understand complex arguments so I have to gear down to your level just to be understood, and even then you won't get it, as you have sold out to a superstition/delusion that is inherently irrational. I could tell you are an idiot by your assumption that science requires 'faith' which is trying to pretend that everyone is really just as deluded as you are, which is wrong and offensive."

My reply was, "So there is proof of evolution.........let me have it. Show where we have ever seen a species evolve into another species. We can adapt to enviroment, but never change into another species. Nonliving matter has never created living matter. The universe creating itself refutes the first two laws of thermodynamics. And if believing in God makes me stupid, than I will proudly sit in the company of Einstein, Hawking and Schrodinger who believe that there is a God and are "stupid."

He says,  Christians love "authority" figures within Christianity so you should really check out the work of FRANCIS COLLINS, Director of the National Center for Human Genome Research. He is openly Christian and his work in the field of Human Genomes has led him to conclusively accept that evolution is real."

My turn, "And Francis believes in God. If you want to use him as an example, he is a Christian. I have read his book. So are you arguing that he is right because he is a Christian, or because he believes in evolution? He says that statistically it is impossible for evolution to occur without the hand of God to stir the pot. I disagree with what he says. My point was that if I am stupid for my beliefs, then I share that title with some people that changed the face of science."

His reply, " "So are you arguing that he is right because he's a Christian or because he believes in evolution?"

"No, I am just suggesting him because Christians pander to other Christians as authority figures.
Personally, I couldn't care less what he "BELIEVES IN". Evolution is a fact. It doesn't require belief."

I replied, "If evolution is a fact, then you are right. It does not require belief. A fact is verified through observation or experience. When has nonliving matter been observed turning into living matter? Where is the link between bird and reptile? What did the platypus evolve from? When have we observed something, especially infinite something (galaxies and planets), created from nothing?"

His reply, "You know what, I can't even expletive talk to you. Evolution is a fact and I am done here."

Why so serious? I only figured that since evolution was a fact that he would have a lot of evidence to back it up. I have factual basis for my beliefs. They are backed up by extreme faith, but I have facts to back it up. I know that I am right, but I can also have an intelligent discussion with someone who believes otherwise. I just find it sad that there are those out there that cannot have a discussion that goes against their beliefs without anger and expletives.

What is an atheist? I had one tell me that an atheist was the default position for rational thinkers not to believe the unbelievable.Yet he believed evolution and did not feel that evolution was unbelievable. How is that rational? I do not know what to think about other people sometimes. I just wish that they would rely on reasoning and honesty instead of their emotions.

I do know that I have faith that God is real. I have this faith based on rational thoughts, factual evidence and being intellectually honest with myself. If my beliefs were based on blind, emotional faith than I would get angry, cuss and shout names at the people who disagreed with me. But I do not.

Why so serious? I am not serious, I am simply right!