The Art of Intelligently Speaking or Why We Fight so Often

I feel that far too often the discussions people have with each other suffer because they are done poorly. The more strongly we feel or passionate we are about the subject, the more the discussion is affected by two problems. I know that I am at fault when it comes to this, too. I am not as bad as I used to be, because I have become aware of the problem and I am trying to stop doing them. Wonder what they are? We do not listen and respond well! What do I mean by this? Let us look at this in the realm of what we believe in.

Let's assume we are talking to someone that has a completely different belief than we do. We will be more than willing to share our view point, but when it comes to the other person sharing we will check out. We will ignore what they are saying. Our eyes glaze over, and it becomes apparent that we are unwilling to listen to them but demand that they hear us. That is simply rude and highly condescending behavior. "My view is important, yours.......not so much," we are seen as saying.

What I am learning is that in order to have an informed discussion and not sound like an idiot, I need to know both sides. How can I defend my position if I do not know theirs? How can I expect you to respect me when I do not show you the same accord. Like my Big Book says, we reap what we sow. I should hear you out if I expect you to hear me out. I should hear you out even if I expect you not to listen to me. Furthermore, I should never stoop to the level of someone who is treating me rudely.

Another way that we show we are not listening is by interrupting the other speaker. I will get angry if they attempted to interrupt me while I am speaking. Yet let them speak, and before 5 words are out of their mouth I am already talking over them. This is disrespectful and shows a lack regard for other people. Some times it appears that we are playing a form of verbal double-dutch, just waiting for the first open spot to jump in to. That is not conducive to a discussion.

In the book "Chicken Soup for the Soul" they talk about breathing. I have found that to be a good practice. When someone finishes speaking, I take a deep breath before I talk. This does a couple of things. One, it allows the person speaking to continue speaking if they were not done i.e. they were taking a breath or collecting their own thoughts. Two, it allows me to fully process all of what they just said and then speak a coherent thought instead of jumping right in and showing our disrespect. Third, it gives them the impression that I was listening to what they were saying, which makes them more likely to listen to me.

Next we have those who get angry, cuss or call the other person an idiot. This may not be the case, but it makes it appear that you are either fearful or uninformed about your own belief system. We will have someone call our belief into question and instantly we react poorly. I have seen people professing Christianity cussing at an Atheist. That proves the Atheist's point. We tend to get angry when we either are unsure of our own belief system, we cannot defend it well enough to the person we are discussing it with or we lack compassion. I often have conversations with people who do not understand what I am saying or how I am explaining things. That is not something to belittle someone over. Those who do are cruel and pretentious.

In order to not get angry I have had to do several things. First, I have had to learn more about my belief system. Then I had to learn more about others belief systems and their theories on creation, how we are here and why we are here. I also had to remember that I could not expect someone to listen to me or respect me if I was yelling at them or belittling them. I was disrespecting myself, them and Christ by the way I was talking to them. 


I had a philosophy professor who defined intelligence as the ability to know both sides equally. The more I know about other beliefs, the more firmly I believe in my own belief. That is where apologetics comes into play. It allows me to know not only my side but also the other side. How can I possibly hope to not only explain myself well, but possibly convert someone else if I have no clue about their beliefs. So in closing I remind you to do a couple of things. 

1. Become an Apologist and study Christianity as well as the belief systems of others
2. Hear others out (Listen when they speak)
3. Don't forget to breathe 
4. Don't take it personally
5. Maintain proper decorum (don't yell, cuss, name call or belittle the others beliefs)

Could Jesus Find a Disciple part 4 Following Christ in the Modern Era (Love Your Neighbor)

Matthew 22: 37-40 states that when Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Today we are going to look at what it means to love your neighbor as yourself. This sounds easy, but it is actually one of the hardest thing to do. We are to love our fellow man? Really? I know that there are some people I cannot stand. But at the heart of the distaste we have, the righteous anger we feel and the hate we may harbor is the mantra I have oft heard, "Love the sinner, hate the sin!" Unfortunately, that is not found in the Bible.

However, what is found in the Bible is Romans 13:8-10, "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet, and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law."

Just like yesterday, the theme today is love. Paul tells us that love fulfills the law. So, what exactly does it mean to love your neighbor as yourself? To most it means to follow the "Golden Rule." Treat others the way you want to be treated. I say that is not enough. I would challenge you to do more. We should not treat people the way we would want to be treated, but instead treat others better than we would want to be treated!

Furthermore, a lot of us may not be at a place where we feel that we should be treated with respect or love. Loving ourselves may seem impossible today, as we have not forgiven ourselves for our past choices YET. If we were to treat people the way we want to be treated, most people would leave our company depressed and angry. For those of us that applies to, I have another suggestion. Treat others better than we would want our children to be treated (If you have them, if not pretend).

As a substance abuse counselor, I work with many clients who have trouble loving themselves. That said, they have intense love for their children. They will stay in an abusive relationship, but when I ask what they would do if their daughter was in the same relationship, I get the same answer. "I would hurt the abuser and get my daughter out of that relationship because she deserves better than that." They do not deserve better, but their children do. Even though they are addicted to drugs, they would never want their children to use them. Once again, their children are better than that but they feel that they need or sometimes that they deserve it.

So, I am going to try to sum this up in a way we can all understand. Would you want your son's wife to cheat on him? No, then we do not sleep with someone else's mate! Would you want people to use your daughter as a one night stand? No, then we should avoid one night stands! Would you want someone to rob your children? No, then we should not steal from others! How would you feel if someone killed your  child? Bad, so we do not kill others.

It sounds very easy at face value, but it is not. We tend to look at some people as less than us, or some whose sins are worse than others. Not all sins are equal, but other than blaspheming the Holy Spirit they are all forgivable (Matthew 12:31, Mark 3:29 and Luke 12:10).

We seem to forget what the Bible shows us. Take Paul for example. He was a man who wrote 40% of the New Testament, and we would probably all agree that he is in heaven. Yet, before he had his conversion on the road to Damascus, his mission in life was to stamp out Christianity and have Christians tortured and put to death. He was a party in the death of innocents based on nothing more than their belief in Christ. Even he was well aware that his past sin was great. Paul was a man who was very cognizant of his level of sin.

In 1 Timothy 1:15,16 Paul goes so far as to say, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life."

Here we see that all is forgiven through belief in Christ and as we read above, through love of God and our fellow man. All sin can be overcome. Therefore, it is not on me to judge someone. We all want God's grace, but it is one of those things that can only be kept by giving it away. If I show grace to others, then I am worthy of it. Grace is often defined as either divine influence or unmerited favor. This means that it is given where it is not asked for and/or wanted. We use grace not to feel better than others, but to insure they are on even ground with us. We should never try to elevate our status above that of those around us. We should never look down on others because we have lived more pious lives. That is the danger of legalism.

Legalism generally causes Christians to feel pride, or that they are in competition with other people. Trust me, we are not trying to "out perfect" each other. We would all fall short. None of us are worthy of God's grace, yet it is given to us. Take for example the attitude of some churches when it comes to homosexuality. We used to look at divorce in the church like many churches look at homosexuality today. Even today there are churches that shun peope who drink socially, even if it is only a glass of wine or a couple of beers a week. Is that fair? What does that tell the person who feels looked down on in church from the moment they walk through the door? It is not on us to change others, but the job of the Holy Spirit!

So we should not shun individuals, or we begin to make people feel unwelcome in church. If they do not come to church it makes it more difficult for the Spirit to work on them. We should treat them with love and treat them with civility. Everyone sins just like me! I go to a church where probably 99.9% (I once heard that 100% is statistically impossible) of the members are guilty of gluttony, envy, lust or apathy at one point or another each week. I still love them and talk to them.

What if your child where to tell you that he was gay? Would you hate him and disown him, or would you still love him? Would you want people cussing him, asking him not to come back to their church or talking about him behind his back? Of course not, we would still want him to be treated with respect and to go to church. Based on this we should treat others in the same manner. If I would not want you to gossip about me or a member of my family, I should not gossip about anyone else, period!!

When did love mean that we told people that they were not welcome back to our church, as I have heard that some churches have done with homosexuals. Like I said, the same way that we treat homosexuals in some churches now is how the divorced were treated in churches only 50 years ago. Look around your church and think of how many of your fellow attendees are divorced and would have not been welcome in many churches several decades ago. Do you vilify them, or make them feel unwelcome because they have been divorced. Of course you don't! Everyone should have the right to come to church, because everyone is deserving of God's grace.

When we look at others we should try to see them through the eyes of our creator. AA has a saying that I have always liked. It says that you are working a good program when everyone else sees a bum and you see a prospect. Everyone that you lay your eyes on was created by God, and as the saying goes, "God don't make no junk!" Jesus did not spend his time loving the legalistic pharisees and sadducces, but instead the sinners and those that the pious believer looked down upon and would not even speak to. I don't know about you, but I know I am no better than Christ. In fact, I would do well to try and follow in His footsteps.

In closing, we are not asked to be disciples today the same way that we were called to follow Him 2,000 years ago. We are not called to leave our jobs and family instantly for Christ. We are called to follow Christ where we are and in all that we do. We are called to put the interest of God first and foremost in our lives, and to treat others better than we would want others to treat our children! If we live our life this way we are living as a Christian. If not, then we may have a surprise coming when we pass on to the afterlife. Narrow is the road to salvation!

Could Jesus Find a Disciple part 2 The description

"So, what exactly is the job that you are talking about?" you ask as you follow the man outside. This is supposing that you follow the man outside. Part 1 of this series actually looked at why you would probably not go outside to even find out. 

"It is to shepard my flock, and by my flock I mean all people of the Earth. I will give you the power to heal and cast out demons. You will be a teacher, and your job will be to lead by example. I want you to be virtuous, and to speak to all that you come in contact with about ways for them to live their lives better and become followers of me. If you listen to me, you will be able to do all of these things," the man replies.

You actually find yourself beginning to lean in with interest as He speaks. The thought that he might be a little egocentric if not narcissictic crosses your mind. That aside,he is a very powerful orator and you gravitate to the sound of his voice as he speaks. You are not sure that this guy could make changes that would allow you to be the speaker he is. And healing and casting out demons sounds pretty farfetched. You are really having some problems believing what this guy is saying.

He continues, "As for job perks, you will not get paid in money. You will not be given a vehicle. You will not even have an office that you will work in. No vacation time, no insurance and no expense card. You will get to travel........a lot. You will travel by foot. You will get fed............ if people are nice enough to feed you. You will sleep....... under the stars, unless someone puts you up for the night. What you will receive is the knowledge that you have helped others. You will also be granted everlasting life guaranteed!"

You no longer know what this guy is even talking about. "Everlasting life," you say, "why would I want everlasting life, this life sucks sometimes. I want to do my time on Earth and then die. I don't want to live forever, I just want to live to see my kids have grandkids and my grandkids get into college. Anything beyond that is icing on the cake. At the rate we are going, this country will not even be here in 50 years, let alone eternity."

"I speak not of this world, but of eternal life in heaven. You may be cursed in this world, but you are fortunate to have the prospect of more to come. The finest day you have ever had on Earth will be as a nightmare in comparison to what you will experience in heaven. I tell you today that you should consider yourself blessed." 

With that, Jesus breaks into the beatitudes, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.  Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."(Matthew 5:3-10)

"What do you mean, blessed are the persecuted," you ask? "I don't want to be persecuted!"

"But you do want to be persecuted, it is part of the price you get to pay for following me," he says. "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." (Matthew 5:11-12)

"If this were an interview, it would now be done," you tell the man. "I do not want to waste any more of your time. I am both content and safe here. I may not be "saving the world" but I am appreciated. If I wanted to be persecuted and hated, I would have stayed with my first wife! Sounds like it is a lot more appealing to not follow you than to pay the price for following. I think that you need some help, and not the kind that I am qualified to give."

With that, you turn and walk back inside your comfy little office building shaking your head. You may never know that you could have made a choice that would have forever changed the course of not just your history, but the history of the world.

My point is this, JESUS WOULD BE HARD PRESSED TO FIND A DISCIPLE IN THIS DAY AND AGE using the same method he once did. He may find disciples in undeveloped countries, but in most developed countries we have priorities that would supercede our ability to just quit our jobs and live as transients for the rest of our lives. We would not be willing to take that leap of faith. The good news is that we are not called to quit everything we are doing to follow Christ today. In fact, it is much easier to follow Christ today and to disciple than it was 2,000 years ago.

What we have to do is quite simple. We have to have a relationship with God. We show that we have a true relationship with God when we do two things. In Matthew 22 Jesus directed us to love God with all of our heart, soul and mind first and foremost. Secondly we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. That is what He said was most imporant for us to do! What does that mean? Tune in for the next blog, Could Jesus Find a Disciple part 3 Following Christ in the Modern Era to find out!