Anonymity and Recovery

Anonymous is defined as, "not identified by name; of unknown name. It also means having no outstanding, individual, or unusual features; unremarkable or impersonal."

The first definition for anonymous, "not identified by name," does not fit because in going to any "anonymous" program we give ourselves names and roles. I am an alcoholic (AA), I do narcotics (NA), I am an overeater (OA) and even I am codependent (CoDA). We are good at giving ourselves names.

Anonymous is also defined as, "having no outstanding, individual, or unusual features; unremarkable or impersonal." I know that in the rooms of the anonymous programs this means that no one person is any better or more important than anyone else. It also means that what is said in the meetings stays in the meetings. What about the people outside of the anonymous programs? What do they think about the word anonymous and the people that go to “those” meetings?

Many think that we are ashamed of who we are. That is why we go to these anonymous meetings and hide. We are guilt and shame ridden because of our past so we hide in anonymity. Others see them as a place for addicts and alcoholics to get together, drink coffee and share war stories. That is what people who used to have struggles do. They sit in rooms and commiserate, never truly rejoining the community itself.

Some of you are probably thinking, “I don’t care what people think.” That is the true problem with the sober community. We don’t care what people think. That is how an abstinent person thinks. If people judge us on our past, that is one thing. When we give them reason to judge us now, that is on us. What are we doing to change people’s opinions about the recovery community?

We are perpetuating a stigma both in the outside community and the recovery community. “I do not fit in with those outside of recovery, and that is why I have to come to a meeting every day so I can be around people I relate to. There is nothing remarkable about me because of who I used to be and the “normies” will not accept me if they find out.”

 I will argue that is wrong to my grave. People are blessed by knowing me. I have many outstanding and remarkable features. I was not born with them, but through overcoming my struggles and addictions I have become wiser and stronger. I have a lot to offer to others. I have found recovery. I went from dealing dope to dealing hope and I have yet to meet anyone who could not use more hope!

Recovery is defined as, "A return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. The action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost."

I will skip over the first definition of recovery, a return to a "normal state" because I don’t like it. What is normal? Normal for me may not be normal for you. Normal in America is probably not normal in China. I heard that normal means most, but if that is accurate than normal would mean China or India because they have the highest population. Therefore, very few of us in America are normal. Even in our country, normal in Branson, Missouri is probably not the same as normal in Chicago, Illinois.

So we will use the second definition of recovery, “regaining possession of something that was stolen or lost.” It makes sense, after all my life was stolen from me. I lost my potential, my hope, my pride, my self-esteem, my happiness and my optimism. I lost friends, family, jobs, cars, houses and so much more.  

In getting sober and abstaining from drugs and alcohol I began to see improvements in my life. I began to see some of my potential return. I could get and keep a job, because I was abstinent. Not using drugs caused me to be more dependable and to take more pride in my job.

I also attended anonymous recovery meetings; I mean a lot of them. I got to hang out with people who were former addicts and alcoholics. After the meetings we would go out and drink coffee. Sometimes we would go bowling. Occasionally we would have BBQs and weekend camp outs together.

I was doing a lot of fun things, but I was not pushing myself. I was in a comfort zone, focused on me and other addicts who were just like me. They were the people I belonged around because they could understand me. They could relate to me and I could relate to them. It was a good start. There was a problem with that. I didn't want good, I wanted great.

I found that I did not have the social ties to the community I needed. I did not feel good enough to make them. I still looked in the mirror and saw an addict and a convict. I was filled with guilt, shame and even some anger. I figured if I ever told everyone who I was they would feel the same way. I never really stepped into true recovery because I never regained what I had lost. I did not have my true identity.

There were things I had lost I still didn't have. I was not born cynical and pessimistic. I was not born depressed and angry. I wasn’t born cursing all the time. I was not born to be ashamed of who I was and the road I had taken to get to here. But I was. I didn't want to be, though. The truth was that abstinence had given me a glimmer of hope and a taste of pride. I craved more..

I was scared or “normal” people at first for a lot of reasons: What will everyone think when they know about my past? How disappointed will people be if I relapse? Then I stopped thinking only of me and expanded my view: What if I give recovery a bad name because of my behavior? How will my speech reflect upon the recovery community?

That is when I truly began to realize what recovery meant. I started thinking outside of myself and began taking into account the things I represented and how everything I did and said reflected upon them. I saw that the opportunity recovery presented me was so much larger than I was.

Here is what I needed to do for myself to regain what I had lost. I had to begin sharing who I was, what had happened to me, what I had done, where I had been and where I was now. I would go anywhere and everywhere to do that. I have gone into schools, colleges, churches, conferences, community events, and done interviews on the radio and television.

There is a huge stigma in the community when it comes to addiction and recovery for a reason. I hear people who are very vocal about being in recovery dropping F-Bombs left and right and yelling at anyone they disagree with. People still get into fights due to anger/shame issues that have not been addressed and sleep around due to impulse control issues or a lack of self-esteem.

Recovery is realizing that my choice of words and my behavior reflect not just on me, but on my family and all the people who are in recovery as well. It is realizing that cursing and fighting and yelling are signs of the addiction, not recovery.

It is realizing that community service is not just chairing meetings and sponsoring people in the program. Recovery is knowing community service is not just something a judge or probation officer gives you. Community service is doing things to help your community become better. It is giving back to the community because at one time you took from it.

Community service should also be done under the guise of our recovery. We should shelf our anonymity. The stigma the community has is that they seldom if ever see the recovery community giving back. When was the last recovery booth you saw at a cancer fundraiser? When was the last time you sponsored a recovery day at Habitat for Humanity? How about the last 5K you saw where a group of drug court graduates decked out in T-Shirts letting the world know who they were ran?

The recovery community needs to overcome the stigma of addiction. That starts with you and me. We should be proud of who we are and how we have gotten there. The problem is that the loudest people representing recovery are generally not the ones in recovery. We need to change that.

We should remember that we represent recovery in all of our activities. We represent recovery when we go out to eat, drive a vehicle, work, go to church/synagogue/coven, play softball/basketball/football and attend school. Everywhere we go, we should present ourselves well.

We gain hope, pride, self-respect and self-esteem through seeing that people who know our past now see us for who we are. They realize that although addiction sucks recovery is amazing. This can only happen when we become true ambassadors for recovery in all aspects of our lives.

If that is something you are interested in, let me know. There is nothing more powerful than someone in recovery not only helping those who are currently struggling, but also sharing their tragedies and successes with the entire world. Only then will the stigma diminish as the “normal community sees that WE DO GREAT THINGS IN RECOVERY!!!