God had kept his part of the bargain, so I have attempted to keep mine. I am blessed enough to say that I have not gotten into a fight or smoked a cigarette since that night. I am a firm believer in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all through him who gives me strength." Are there days that do not go as planned? Of course, this is an imperfect world, and I believe that Satan tempts us more the better we do. Do I miss the money, of course? But I know what it is to have plenty and be miserable, and I know what it is to have nothing and be content. Money is not the root of all evil, but the love of money is.
I have learned the difference between want and need. Are there things that I want that I do not have? You bet, but I have no needs that are not met. I can do all through he who gives me strength. Do I miss the drugs sometimes? You bet. I can honestly say that I loved drugs and I love the way that they made me feel, but I hate the person they turned me into. I never want to be that person again. I am no longer obsessed by drugs, but the desire is still there on occasion. I have prayed for the desire to be lifted, and it has not happened. I find solace in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, "there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Personally I like triggers, I feel that they allow me to realize how strong addiction is and see how much stronger still is my relationship with Christ. A relationship is not made strong during the easy times, but during the times of hardships and trials. I can do all through him who gives me strength. In the end, I am blessed by Christ. I have a wonderful life, where I can help empower people to make better life choices in the future.
I agree that life is about more than just helping yourself, which is why the 12th step is by far my favorite step. It is the pay check at the end of a long and hard work week. Let no one tell you that true recovery is easy, but it is worth it. You have to be true to yourself and to Christ, and realize that only by walking the walk can you truly influence others. James 1:27 says that "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
We are born from this world, but we do not have to be of this world. I have discovered through my continued relationship with Christ that sin is not just doing the wrong thing, but also not doing the right thing. For me, that means not repaying evil with evil but praying for my enemies and those who wrong me. I am loud in the songs I sing of my overcoming addiction with the assistance of Christ in my life.
I know that some may judge me, and that is on them. I will not judge, for my relationship with Christ does not allow that. I cannot gauge other's relationships with Christ, but only my own. However I will not be the excuse, either through my speech or my actions, which someone has for not entering into a relationship with Christ. I try to show love, forgiveness and compassion to all that I come in contact with. I do this because I would want the same done to me. I once heard it said that going to Church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. I agree with that, and I want to be known for my actions, not my words. I want others to see how accepting and nonjudgmental Christ is and come to faith in Him.
They can only see that side of Christ if it is displayed by us as Christians and it all starts with me. Christ has given me a beautiful son, a beautiful wife who has always put Christ first her whole life, a job I enjoy and a story that can be shared with others of how rock bottom can be transformed into a life worth living. I understand how many feel not worthy of Christ’s grace. I remember when I went to my pastor and explained to him about this incredible female that I had met and how I was not worthy of her because I sinned frequently in my past and was new to Christ while she had lived her entire life for Christ. I could not understand how this could be, and my pastor told me a story I will relate to you.
It is a parable that Christ shared in Matthew about the landowner who hires men in the early morning to go and work his fields for a denarius, which was the common payment for a full day’s work. Three hours later he goes to the marketplace and gets more workers and sends them to his fields. Three hours later he does the same thing, then again three hours later and yet again two hours later. At the end of the day, he paid them all the same and the first hired grumbled about getting paid the same. The landowner told them to take their pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Are you envious because I am generous, he asked them. This parable was not at all about money, but was about God's grace. It means that no matter when in your life you heed God’s call, you will gain Eternal Life. So now, instead of focusing on what God has given others I focus on God's gracious benefits to me and I am thankful for all that have.
I have a life now through Christ that I never had without him and I can finally look in the mirror and love the person staring back at me. I went from a drug addicted felon with no hope and no self esteem to a Christian who can attempt to give to others the grace and hope that was given to me. I can truly do all through him who strengthens me, and so can you. I would strongly encourage anyone considering Celebrate Recovery to look into it, and remember that it is a lifelong commitment. It worked for me and it will work for you. It is not a magical cure; it needs to be actively worked on a daily basis. I hear some say that they are recovered, and to me that says that they are done. I am in recovery, because that to me means that I will continue to work at this program, on myself, and on a better relationship with Christ on a daily basis.
I still get frustrated, still get sad, still feel guilty, still feel lonely and I do not always do the right thing, but I strive to be Christ like and try to ensure that each day I live my life will be better than the day before it. I am no longer a hypocrite; I no longer hate or harbor resentments and anger. Instead I laugh, I cry, I love, I am quick to help and even quicker to forgive. What I once saw as weakness I now often see as strength. Some of those who were once my enemies have become my heroes. It is amazing how your outlook on life changes when you are in recovery.
I owe a lot to the 12 step programs, even more to celebrate recovery, and I owe it all to Christ, for with him all things are possible.
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