Are You a Righty or a Lefty?

The question I pose today is a simple one, “Are you the righty or the lefty?” Immediately, most people think of which hand is their predominate one. They will then either say they are right handed or left handed. That is not the question I am asking. Instead, I am asking whether you are the man crucified on the right side of Jesus, or are you the man crucified on the left side of Jesus? Before you answer this question, let us take a look at the passage in the Bible.

Luke 23:32, 33, 39-43 says, "Two others, who were criminals, were led away to be put to death with him. And when they came to the place that is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. . . . One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, “Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!” But the other rebuked him, saying, “Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” And he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” 

So there are two criminals that were executed with Jesus. I have often wondered why Jesus was not crucified alone. Why were there two others there with Him if not for a reason? I imagine there is something for us to take away from the exchange between Jesus and the other two men, or it would not have been written about. What is it that we can take from the exchange that would apply to our lives?

For starters, we see the differences between the man who was saved and the man who was not! One belittled and bullied while the other displayed reverence. One spoke out of arrogance, the other showed humility. Finally, the man on the left of Jesus displayed disbelief while the man on the right side showed faith.  This is much like the world. When presented with the message of salvation through Christ, some mock and belittle while others display humility and faith.  

Next we need to take a good look at both of these men. They were being crucified, which was not your average way to kill someone back then. It was reserved for the worst criminals, as well as slaves and non-Roman citizens. Those who were considered to be less than or had done horrific things, that is who was executed by crucifixion. In a way, that is what Christians are today. We are not truly citizens of this world. We also are looked at as less than by some members of this world. We are not as intelligent as they are due to our belief and faith.

Much like the criminal on the right, most Christians realize what we are. We are sinners, we have done horrible things and we are aware that we are not worthy of a better life. Yet, as we wallow in our sin we reach out to the one whom we know can redeem us. This is akin to the dying criminal reached out to Jesus and asking that Christ remember him when He came to His kingdom.  

So to be the man on the right we must recognize and accept that we are sinners and as such deserve death. We must in all humility take credit for what we have done, not trying to blame our sins on others. Next comes faith, for we must acknowledge that through God’s mercy and grace all we have done can be forgiven. Finally, we must show our complete reverence to the King of Kings. We must also respect our fellow man yet at the same time not be afraid or ashamed to speak out when it is needed.  

We tend to focus on the middle cross, since Jesus was crucified there. The middle cross represents Christ, our Redeemer and the sacrifice He made so our sins could be forgiven. What Christ did when he was crucified was the greatest act of kindness ever done for man.  Lest we forget it, there were 3 crosses that day on Golgotha for a reason. We need to remember the other two crosses as well. For the cross on the left is symbolic of the nonbelievers of this world while the cross on the right those who have faith in Christ.

So again I ask, “Are you a righty or a lefty?”

Songs of Recovery - Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) by Chris Tomlin

There is a song that I know well. Even as an Agnostic, I was still seen in church on occasion. I would be there for either funerals or weddings. Without fail, at almost every funeral that I attended, I would hear the song Amazing Grace. I have always thought that it was a beautiful and haunting song. I have heard it sang in every style possible, from bluegrass to country to soul and even a cappella rhythm and blues. I have never heard the song and not thought of death before I was saved.


After I got saved the song took on new meaning. I still think of the first verse, and what it means to me now:          

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I'm found

Was blind, but now I see

God's grace change my life. I often give the rundown of my past, so it has been posted in several blogs. If you are new to my blog, you have probably not read it. This was the difference between me before and after I was found by God and transformed by the Holy Spirit and you can read about it in my blog Jonah and the Whale/How I Know God Exists. It is the highlighted part of the blog: http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/07/jonah-and-big-fish.html


I was blind to being able to change my life. I was trapped in the certainty that either I or some other secular method could change my life for the better. I would see glimpses of sobriety, but recovery was always just out of reach. I never had extended sobriety. I could never forget who I used to be or forgive myself for what I had done. This kept me mired in my past, and all I could do to survive was stay numb. Then I was blessed with God's grace (unwarranted favor-the ability to do God's will). Since then it has all been different. 


The second verse of Amazing Grace says:

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear

And grace my fears relieved

How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

I do not fear God in any way, shape or form. Not in the traditional sense, at least. I do not fear his punishment, but I do fear letting Him down. It is much like I did when I was a child with my father, who was my Superman. I wanted my dad to respect me and be proud of me. So I have fear of letting God down, yet through grace I know that I cannot let Him down (and grace my fears relieved). I still do not want to displease God, but I know that his favor isn't earned by anything that I do. It was earned through Christ's sacrifice. 

I can still remember the first time that I heard the chorus. I was at Celebrate Recovery the first time that I heard this version of Amazing Grace. For a recovering addict/sinner/convict, it was like a promise that was promised to me and was being kept already. It was the knowledge that someone had put into words what I was already feeling/living:

My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy rains

Unending love, Amazing grace

The chains of servitude were gone. No longer was I a slave to drugs, alcohol and the life of sin that I once lived. I could never forgive myself, but his forgiveness rained on me like a flood that cleansed me. I finally realized that I was worthwhile, that I was greater than I once was. I was also allowed to see that every thing that I had lived through had made me wiser, stronger and brought me to the place I am at now. I love where I am at now!

The third verse says:

The Lord has promised good to me

His word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures

Yes, the Lord has promised good to me. I have the Holy Spirit residing inside of me, to give me strength to do what is needed. This does not mean that life will be lemon drops and lollipops. God does not promise that once we are saved it will be rainbows and cotton candy. Instead, He gives us the promise of an eternity of bliss in the next life. Not 70 or 80 years, but eternity. Before, I would wake up every day depressed because I knew that right now could possibly be the best it will ever get. Knowing that I have good promised to me gives me hope to make it through today. What is 70 or 80 years in the face of eternity? It is but a blink of an eye. I can deal with what ever this old world throws at me because I know what is promised! 

The last verse of this song finishes with:

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow

The sun forbear to shine

But God, Who called me here below

Will be forever mine

Will be forever mine

You are forever mine

Once again, we see that this world is only temporary. God gives us the promise of eternal life. So even as we see this world turn on itself and begin to sink to new depths, we know that we are not relegated to living in this world of sin forever. When this world has been destroyed, we will be with our Abba, Father! How reassuring is that? I know that no matter what happens, I will endure because my eye is set on an eternal prize. 

My chains are gone and I have been set free from more than just my addictions. I have been set free from this world. I may live IN IT, but I am no longer OF IT! The chains of sin and wanting to fit in with the people of this world no longer have me bound. They may be scrambling; thinking of how to make more money or buy more expensive toys. My heart is set on how to better help those around me. How can I exemplify Christ in my walk? How can I better serve my heavenly Father? How can I show others the amazing grace that has been shown to me? Those are the questions that I answer by living my life to benefit others and obeying the Great Commission!

Songs of Recovery - Let it Fade by Jeremy Camp

February 1st, 2009 was the first day of my walk with Christ. I had the transformation that you can read about in my About Me page at about 2 A.M. on February 1st. Since then it has all been different. I used to go to secular concerts, which were always as much about the alcohol and drugs as they were about the music. That may not be your take on them, but they were in my world.

Due to this, I had not been to a concert in the first couple of months after I got saved, which was weird for me. I attended at least 10 concerts a year at the time, but with no longer drinking and wanting to change my life I had simply stopped going to them. I had some friends from New Life who invited me to a concert with them. It was called the Rock and Worship Roadshow, and it was in April of 2009.

It was a worship concerts with a couple of great acts, among them Mercy Me, Tenth Avenue North and Jeremy Camp . I will discuss the concert in a future blog that will be about the concert and the impact that it had on me. This is how much the entire concert affected me, I could easily write several thousand words on the experience. That said, there was one song that I had never heard before. I did not really know who Jeremy Camp was at the time, but I recognized a song or two from listening to 88.3 The Wind (WKND). He stepped up and played his first few songs. I liked all of the songs he played, but when he began to sing one...........WOW! That is the only word that comes to my mind, wow!! It started with:

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

I remember sitting in the crowd and thinking, "Why yes, I have been walking on an uncertain surface and filling my life with empty things." I walked on my own, and I can tell you that is very uncertain. I have first thought wrong. My brain is a scary place to be all by myself, and I was there a lot. And as for helping myself to empty things, everything that I did was an empty act. If I was doing something nice, it was probably for show. I wanted people to think that I was not a bad person, so I did things and made sure that people knew about it.

As for my lifestyle, you get no more empty than numbing with drugs and alcohol and erecting walls to keep everyone out so that you can feel safe and not put your heart out there. He was right, I could not live my life that way too long. I had quite a few friends who were dead from their addictions. It had been me against the world for too long. Living without anyone to depend on but me (and my sister) was frustrating and tiring. I definitely needed some rest.

The cool thing was that I had finally been found by Christ, and I was actually feeling by this time that I did belong in church. For the first year that I went to New Life, I did not feel that I did belong, though. I did not feel judged by others, but I am my own worst critic. I deemed me unworthy. All of that changed February 1st. Now I had a place that I belonged. Then Jeremy came with the chorus:

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

I knew as soon as I heard that chorus that this was exactly what I had done. I had let my old life crumble away when I had accepted Christ into my life. This new life was my saving grace, as now I no longer had to do everything on my own. I now had the Holy Spirit living inside of me. I knew that I would never be alone again, because Christ was always with me. With God walking with me and the Spirit residing in me I would never again be alone.

Now I had the drive to do what was right. I had surrounded myself with positive people. I was letting my old life crumble and fade away. Like 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" That old life had crumbled when I accepted Christ into my life, and it was fading away more and more each day. His next verse also reminded me of my old life:

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

I had held onto this old world for so long that it had almost killed me. I had lost everything, including my self-respect. I gave into the false belief that numbing would make everything including myself better. If someone wanted to sleep with me, then I was a good person. If I could numb it due to the drugs or alcohol, then it did not exist. If I could beat people up, then they would listen to me so they must respect me. This was all a big masquerade. Perception is reality, but that does not make it true. 

Every time thata I tricked myself, it was fleeting. I would feel better until I sobered up, or until I was alone again. Then I would feel worthless all over again. I would always have to repeat the cycle in order to have the illusion of normality. And it was an illusion! What I considered normal most people would consider insane. That, and it was only temporary. It was gone and I would have to do it again immediately in order to feel better. Whether it was sex, food, drugs, alcohol or violence. My life was a laundry cycle, rinse and repeat! But I had found a new way to live. The new way was truly the chorus of the Jeremy Camp song:

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

This song simply reinforced what I already knew. Life with Christ was the new life that offered me hope. Only by the grace of God was I able to step out of my addiction into a life that was worth while. I was no longer angry, I was no longer full of self-loathing. I actually liked who I was and had faith that I could be a good example and an inspiration. I was no longer running from my calling, I was running towards it. I was built from the ground up, from my infancy up to be a teacher, a motivator and an inspiration. 

Thanks Jeremy! This song reinforced what I already knew. The first thing that I did after your set was go and buy your CD's and a T-Shirt that said Let This Old Life Crumble on the front and Let it Fade on the back. Then I came back, sat down and listened to Mercy Me. Great song, and a great way of telling us that there is so much more than this old life that we are currently living. I found it to be inspirational, and it has always been one of the songs that I listen to that help me realize how much better my life is now than it once was!

Scriptures of Recovery - Beginning of a New Blog

Welcome to scriptures of recovery. This is where I will look at the scriptures that were instrumental in my  overcoming my addiction through the help of the  Holy Spirit, kept me in church long enough for the Holy Spirit to work on me, allowed me to forgive myself or blessed me with a stronger relationship with God. I will not lie, I do not believe that Christianity is a religion. Not to quote a T-Shirt, but religion is one's search for a Higher Power, or man trying to work their way to God. Christianity is God coming to us through a relationship with Christ.

I have heard people say that they found Jesus, and I have heard others say that you cannot find Jesus. I would actually agree with the latter. I never found Jesus. He wasn't lost, I was! He came to were I was and gave me the power to overcome my past life and begin a new one. It was not religion that got me through my addiction. It was the Holy Spirit and Jesus coming to where I was at. Religion did not save me, Christ did! 

How do I know that God exists? All I have to do is examine my life before and after. If I were on a diet, I could look at the before and after pictures and tell whether or not it was successful. If there were things that I did other than exercise or eating better, such as methamphetamine or some other artificial way I would know because I would be ingesting it. I could also step on the scale, or I could use a tape measure to see how much my waist had shrunk. I could also tell if it was successful by how my clothes fit. These would all be valid ways for me to tell if it was working. So, how can we tell if the changes wrought in us are imagination or reality? How can we tell if it is worldly means or supernatural means that cause us to change?

So, why do I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit. How do I know that it worked:

1. I stopped taking my prescribed medications, stopped seeing counselors/psychiatrists, stopped going to secular 12 step meetings and stopped following secular methods of recovery. I turned to the spiritual and scriptural realms instead. I used prayer, meditation, reading and Celebrate Recovery. So it was not worldly means. I would know if I was ingesting some worldly intervention, and I was no longer doing that. I had given up hope of being successful by secular means.

2. The before and after picture of my life is night and day. I am not who I once was, and that has been said to me repeatedly by people who knew me before and after (think of the diet and everyone asking what you are doing to lose weight). I am now trusted to watch children, and to have keys to businesses that people own. I am asked for advice and taken into confidence, not called up to come and fight someone's battles. When clients cuss in front of me in groups, they do not apologize to the group. Instead, they apologize to me.

3. When I look at the people in my life, which I feel is a good measuring stick, I see major difference. I see people who put their kids and other's first. I see people that I can trust to watch my son, and not worry about him coming home and repeating the "F" bomb. There are no longer people who might get drunk or high around me or my son, not would their house get raided while I was there. Finally, I can turn my back and not worry about getting shot or robbed. So the tape measure definitely shows change.

4. I have tried to go to the places that I used to hang out at (think old clothes), but they just do not fit me anymore. I do not want to be around drunks, I cannot stand the smell of cigarettes and I feel out of place. I no longer fit into the old role. I am not the angry guy that fights at the drop of a hat. I am instead the peacemaker and the one in the advisor role.

So, those are just several of the ways that I can tell that something is different in my life. That something is me, not only my life but also the people in my life. Some of the people have stayed the same, but I do not let my circle of friends get stagnant. I tell people that you always need to have people in your life who are like how you want to be, not like how you are. If I want to get better at anything, I do that by playing against people who are better than I am. If I want to live a better life, I do that by having people in my life who are living better than I am. Due to this, I am always adding new friends.

So, part of my relationship with God has came through my reading of scripture and what those scriptures have meant to me. Scriptures of recovery will contain scriptures that helped give me hope and/or faith. A reading that revealed to me God's ability to forgive or showed me His mercy. I would often feel unworthy of God's forgiveness, or truly helpless/powerless, or unable to fit in at church and out of place due to my past. Sometimes I would simply come up with excuses because I was afraid of opening myself up just to be rejected or let down. The scriptures that helped me overcome all of this and build a relationship with God through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit will be listed. Why they helped and what they made me realize will also be included.

I hope that the little bit of insight that I have into these particular verses will be able to help you the reader either come into relationship with Christ, overcome your addictions/hurts/excuses or build a stronger relationship. Thanks for reading, and the next Scriptures of Recovery will actually contain a scripture!

Jonah and the Big Fish/How I Know God Exists

We talked about Jonah and the big fish in church on Sunday. This was a discussion that quickly begin to lower itself. Major thematic points.

1. God loves you and is relentless in His pursuit to fashion you for his good pleasure
2. God's grace is extended to you because it is His nature to love you and bring you to repentance
3. Prayer sometimes changes the situation, but it most assuredly changes us
4. God is the God of the second chance
5. God wants you to have a heart for people like His heart for people   

So, getting to the first point, that God loves you and is relentless in His pursuit. Dan Call, our pastor, likened God in this case to Pepe Le Pew. Do you remember the skunk in the cartoons that would always chase after the cat, declaring his love for her? That is how God is for us, He will pursue us no matter where we go. He will give us His grace (read His grace as saying His favor) no matter where we have gone. Prayer does have the power to change us. God will give us a second chance, but it is up to us what we do with it. Finally, God wants us to love others as He loves us........whether we deserve it or not, and whether other people deserve it or not. I can and will vow to the first 4 points.

You see, in my past, I had felt that my sin had led me to a place where God could not reach. I knew that because of my criminal conduct for 20 years and my drug and alcohol abuse that began in 7th grade and lasted until I was 37, that I had walked away from Him for good.  I found out that kind of thinking was fallacious. I truly was the prodigal son, who figured he had removed himself from his father's good graces. I knew that God would no longer want me. When I came back to Him, after 27 years of agnosticism and 25 years of drugs and debauchery, there He was waiting to comfort me. He took my hand and walked me out of the haze of my addiction and into recovery overnight.

There are many out there who would tell me that my experience with the Holy Spirit was only imagined. There are atheists and agnostics that would tell me I have lost my mind. There would be psychiatrists and psychologists who in the past would have told them that they were right, I had gone crazy.....in the past. To them I have a reply. If you have ever been in the depths of addiction, you would not say that. I have been in the depths of my addiction. Everyone has a different rock bottom, here is mine:

1. I have shot up ice water, because the batch of meth was not ready or I was waiting on the person to get back from filling their morphine prescription.
2. I have woken up at 4 AM in a urine soaked mattress to get up and drink a couple of shots to put me back to sleep and stop the shakes.
3. I started smoking cigarettes in 6th grade and had never been able to quit.
4. I had been to county jail often enough that I would stay in for several weeks to catch up on sleep when I had the cash in my wallet to bond out.
5. I had slept with enough women that I was in the mid-triple digits. I would go to parties and sleep with 2 or 3 girls when I was a drug dealer.
6. I was drunk 30 minutes after I got out of prison, and spun out on methamphetamine that night.
7. I dealt drugs and was involved with the manufacturing of methamphetamine for over a decade.
8. I had been to rehab, but the longest stretch of sobriety I had since I was in the 7th grade was 3 months.
9. I had been diagnosed with Bi-Polar with Psychotic Features, borderline personality, antisocial personality, sadomasochism, generalized anxiety, major depressive and substance induced psychosis disorders.
10. I used the "F" word and cussed every other word even when I was happy and in normal conversation.
11. I have been found passed out in my own blood after slashing my wrists and rushed to the ER.
12. I have totalled 5 cars drinking and driving (including flying a car off of a cliff traveling 97 feet and getting 32 feet in the air) yet continued to drink and drive every night.
13. I have overdosed on several occasions and yet used within 24 hours every time.

I do not say this to brag. This is simply the truth. I want you to know where I was in my life, in my addiction, in my slow suicide when God found me. One night, it was finally too much. As I have discussed before, I began to pray to God. I put it all on the line. I was ready to try it His way, because my way was killing me. I was living in misery. Since the night I prayed to God and asked Him to take all of this from me, I have had a complete life change. I have not used drugs or drank, I have not smoked a cigarette, I have not had premarital sex, I have not been to jail and I am on no medication for any mental illnesses. I have not cussed since I do not know when. If all of that is not proof of God, than I ask you what is?


I had tried counselors, psychiatrists, drug rehabs, interventions and Narcotics/Alcoholics Anonymous, all to no avail. I had worked the 12 steps, but it was never quite enough. I came to Him in prayer, and He gave me a second chance. That was all that I needed to do, truly turn my will and my life over to God. I had tried using a random higher power, such as the community in 12 step groups, and it was not effective. God was!

I like how Dan saw God yesterday. I see how He can be like Pepe Le Pew, but He is so much more than that, too. I see God much as my wife sees Him. God is like Yoda. He is this wise, mild, unassuming person that has the ability to draw us to Him from other galaxies. He is mild, but acts with conviction when it is warranted. He sometimes stands by and lets the war happen, and other times he intercedes and fights. And when it is time to fight, there is none more able or more passionate in battle for what is right than He is. Yeah, my God is not a jedi, my God is the Jedi of all Jedis. Trust when I say that "the force" is strong with this One. You can have your little "g" gods, mine is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, mine is the one and only BIG "G" GOD!!!!!!                         

Still on vacation... I want to love like that/Praise you in this Storm

My son is still surprising me every day on this vacation. He walked all day long once again today. This is the same son who cannot walk from the car to the tram at Silver Dollar City. He walked today from 10:30 - 7 at Walt Disney's Hollywood Studios. Two straight days of walking, running and jumping when he generally just perches on my shoulders.

He asked all of the time for me to bend down, just like he does when he wants to be picked up. The awesome part was, when I would bend down he would give me a kiss and keep walking. He loves me with his whole heart, and that heart is huge.
This vacation has been great, and I have been awed by his affection.

Do not get me wrong, his love overwhelms me often. Everytime that he sees me, when I drop him off at daycare and when I tuck him in at night he gives hugs and kisses and lets me know that he loves me. He even acts that way when I put him in timeout after he gets out of the corner. That is love.

I want to rely on God like my son does me. I want to love Christ the way my son loves me. Don't get me wrong, I try to love God with all that I have and all that I am. I feel that I could do a better job, and my son has shown me what unconditional means.

My son has me there to pick him up when he feels that he cannot make it on his own. He gets tired, and he is confident that all he has to do is look at me and put his arms up and I will swoop down and pop him up on my shoulders, making his day easier.

I know that all I have to do is turn things over to God when they get to overwhelm me. I know it, but it is sometimes hard to do. I pray for his will to be done, but I sometimes forget that his will and mine are not always the same. If I do what He wants me to, I find that my life is easier. When I try to do His will, he pops me up on His shoulders and insures that I suceed. But I sometimes forget to do that.

My son shows me that he loves me no matter what. If he is having fun or in trouble, if it is just me or it is in front of his friends he is unafraid to show me how much he loves me. He will scream "I love you whole wide world" across his daycare with it full of kids.

I want to continue building my relationship with Christ to the point that I am unafraid to vocally claim my love. I will be unafraid to pray no matter who is around. I will tell others of the changes that the Holy Spirit has wrought in me regardless of who might judge me. I will raise my hands in worship no matter who is next to me or watching, even if I am the only one in the room who worships that way.

I spent my whole life in agony denying there was a God. I will spend the rest of my life in love with the force that recreated me and gave me a life that I can be proud of. I will praise God in the peaks and valleys, the feasts and the famines, the sunny days and in the storms. I know how miserable my life was without Christ, and I know how blessed I am now with Christ.

My Testimony Part I - How It Begins

I am a believer in Jesus Christ who has been blessed with many trials and tribulations to work through, among them are chemical dependency, anger, criminal behavior, codependency, physical and emotional abuse, an adult child of family dysfunction and sexual addiction. With all of that going on you can believe I have some financial issues, too. I guess you could say that as I was younger I was an overachiever. My mother made predictions for me, such as, “you are going to be an alcoholic just like your dad and go to jail just like your brother.” I always tried to outdo her expectations, as you will see later. I wish that I could blame my beginning, but it was a pretty common start. My father and mother were on again and off again, but not when it came to their belief in God and Christ. I was brought up a Christian, and was up in front of the Church giving sermons by the 4th grade. My parents did not smoke cigarettes, nor did they use bad language. By the church's viewpoint we were the model Christian family. Three children, a collie, Church three times a week, a house on a double lot and the children and their father playing outside with each other on the weekends. Sadly, all was not as it seemed. My father worked 12 hour days at Caterpillar, and when he got home he drank in the garage. He still played with us kids and never was violent (although there were times my mother would hit my dad repeatedly and he would just stand there and take it), but eventually my mother had enough. She left him my first week of 5th grade without telling him where we went, and we did not see him for six months.

My mother sent us to live with her mother and father while she worked two jobs to get us a place of our own. This is where the story goes south, in my opinion. My grandfather was an abusive man, he would beat us to the point that he would not let us go to school for a week at a time. His combination of farmer and lots of money meant that when we missed school he said we were helping on the farm and he got away with it. We never said anything to our mother or the school because our grandpa threatened to kill my sister if we did and we believed him. After all, he shot at our uncle and got away with it. I began to fight a lot in the 5th grade, I would get beat at home and come to school and take it out on whomever. I guess that I have always fought since moving in with my grandfather and liked the pain; I guess that I figured I was to blame for my mom and dad splitting up and that was my penance. I also figured out that if I laughed while my grandfather switched me the beating would intensify and he would wear himself out and my brother would not get beat that day.

At a very young age I had managed to develop some severe anger and masochistic issues. I felt abandoned by God, and I stopped believing in him. Why believe in someone who was not there for me. My mother got a place of our own for us in the 6th grade, and she was smoking cigarettes by this time. I started to smoke too. It began with stealing her cigarettes and ended up my buying them off of other kids at school.

In the 7th grade my father got custody of me. He had not drunk in two years and had begun his own business that was doing well, but he worked overnights. I was quickly on the prowl late night, hanging out at the square and doing random acts of vandalism. I was a quick bloomer, the first weekend I got drunk was the first time that I smoked marijuana, did a line of cocaine, tripped acid, kissed a girl and managed to lose my virginity. From there it was all out. I began to hang out all night. My father tried to ground me for a week, and I came back a month later. It was the last time that he grounded me. He ended up getting remarried and we moved again, but it was more of the same; a lot of THC, alcohol, mini-thins, fighting and promiscuity.

I did not like my new stepmom, and I moved back to my mother’s for my senior year of high school. I was quickly in trouble with the law. I went to jail more times than I can remember for fighting, burglary and breaking and entering. I got into the world of methamphetamine, and soon after my world began to crumble. I was on probation and had numerous violations, and yet they never revoked my probation. They tried scared straight, county jail sentences and house arrest all to no avail. I actually liked county jail; I could catch up on my sleep and not worry about having to watch my back all the time. Finally I did not report to my PO for about 6 months. I had decided to take off and travel around the country without telling him. When I got tired of running I went to see him and told him I was ready for prison. He did not disappoint me, I was 20 and on my way to prison.

It was a long time coming, and I guess I saw it as inevitable. Some people have great stories about their 21st birthday. Mine sucked, I was in Booneville and it was a prison camp for kids 25 and under. It was nonstop fighting, and I learned how to be a better criminal. I also ended up getting my GED while I was at Booneville, which was the only positive thing that happened. I found God, but only to look good to the parole board. I got released to a party house when I paroled out. I was drunk an hour after I got out. I was high, spun and with a girl by the end of my first night out. How I managed to walk down my parole I will never know. I found out that manufacturing could get me more money, more dope and more girls and I was in. To make myself feel better I did good things with my money, like giving to charities and helping friends who did not do drugs pay their bills and raise their families. I cut the methamphetamine with a vitamin B complex powder because it was healthier than what everyone else used. I was making a lot of excuses to make myself feel better for what I was doing.

A year after I got out of prison I drove a car off an embankment drunk. Flew may be a better definition. I took a Firebird off a giant hill and flew 96 feet and was 32 feet in the air. I spent a considerable amount of time in the hospital and came out addicted to opiates. I was using IV by this time, as any other way was a waste in my opinion. Soon after I got arrested in Texarkana for possession with intent to distribute a week before my parole was up. I got off of parole just in time to get back on probation. My drug use by this time was getting ridiculous. I was using more and more meth to keep up with the amount of morphine I was using. I was staying awake for a week at a time, sleeping only on Sundays. I was working for most of the time as a bartender. It was an easy way to keep my PO happy and still sell a lot of drugs. I could always stop using a couple of days before I saw my PO, until the very end.

It got so bad that in 2000 I used an hour before I went to see my PO. When I walked into her office, she asked me a question that I did not want to hear. She asked me if I had been doing drugs. I went ahead and told her the truth. I was on meth, cocaine, opiates and benzodiazepines. She told me because I was honest she would give me a chance, and I turned 28 in a residential substance abuse treatment facility a few weeks later. I completed it successfully and got out ready to show the world they were wrong. I quickly needed money and got sucked right back into the scene. I thought I would just put together a batch, but my use and my quality of life started back up worse than before I had quit. My first use ended with me not sleeping for a few days shy of a month. I used for the next year, and I went through the worst times of my life. I was shot at and shot back at people, came within 5 seconds of shooting a police officer, watched a few friends die from overdoses, overdosed a few times myself, saw a few friends get 25 years in prison or more, was either raided or at places that were several times, beat up several friends and almost killed a few people. I no longer cared about anything or anyone, not even myself. I loved drugs, I loved they way that they made me feel but I hated the person that they turned me into. I had a death wish, and I would put myself in life or death situations because I truly wanted to die.

After an overdose and a really bad drug deal where one of my partners got shot I was emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted. To steal a 12 Step slogan, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I went to my sister's house, which was my life line to sanity. She had never done drugs or even smoked a cigarette and actually had a legal job. She was the only person that I considered sane and safe left in my life. She was the only person in my life who I knew truly loved me for me and not for what I could get or do for them I told her that I wanted to get out and had no idea how. She told me she could make it easier for me. I asked her how, and her reply was, I want you to leave and get clean or I do not want to see you again. I cannot watch you kill yourself anymore.