Two days later, I left behind a house and all of my possessions, taking only a duffel bag of clothing with me. I told my friends I was going on a drug run to Texas, and I never came back. I showed up at the door of my mother’s house and asked her for a chance to stay there until I got back on my feet. That was in July of 2001. I did 90 NA meetings in 90 days, actually more like 150 meetings in 90 days. I found a job waiting tables. By the fall of 2002 I was enrolled in college at OTC with a scholarship from the GED I had taken 10 years prior in prison. I got my associates degree in 04, double Bachelors in Psychology and Sociology in 07 and a Masters in Social Work in May of 2009. I have worked at a residential and outpatient treatment center since January of 08, and I am now the counselor for Greene County Family Dependency Treatment Court.
I did much of this without belief in God. I was never an atheist, more of an agnostic. You could not prove to me that there was or was not a God. I was Thomas and there were no holes to stick my fingers into, so I did not believe. I was clean off of drugs for 7 years, but I was not in recovery. I was drinking, which I justified because alcohol was not my drug of choice. I was getting into fights all of the time. I would not start them, but I went out with friends who liked to start fights and then I would finish them. I was cussing, sleeping around if I got the chance, smoking cigarettes and basically reveling in all of my character defects. I saw a dominatrix on a regular basis to beat me with whips and canes and flogs, because I felt that I deserved the pain. I looked into the mirror and did not like the person that I saw, but I could always look at others and see that I was not as bad as them. I was not where I wanted to be but thank God I was not where I once was.
I thought that I was better. Then I had a bad stretch, possibly my worst stretch ever. My father committed suicide in February of 2008 and I broke up with the mother of my son in and she would not let me see my son for the first several months. I struggled and did not know what to really do. I was out of hope, and my job as a substance abuse counselor was to give hope to my clients. I began to feel that I was a fraud and they were all going to find out. I started to look at the people that I knew who were always happy and no matter what kept their hope and it turned out to be a couple that I knew who were Christians. I went up to my friend Nate and told him what was going on and he invited me to come to Church the following week for service followed by a BBQ. I came, and the first thing I remember seeing was the tattoo wall that hung up in the Church. It was the tattoos that members of the church had and the reasons why they had gotten them. People were dressed in shorts and t-shirts and I did not feel judged for who I was or how I was dressed. Then I heard that they had a recovery meeting, and the next week I checked it out.
I was so nervous that the leader asked me a couple of times if I was okay. I did not feel that I belonged, I was a lost cause. My friends told me to give God a chance to work on me. I probably would not have come back, but the Church was accepting and I did not feel judged. The tattoo wall helped me out a lot. There was also the Celebrate Recovery group that was there, and I came and listened. I felt that I did not belong at first. I was nervous, and my knee would literally shake the entire time that I was in Church. I wanted the hope I saw people having, but I knew that I did not deserve it. There were people who were there who had not done all that I had done. I was a sinner and could not seem to stop sinning.
In church one day, we read Romans 7:14 and 19, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For what I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing" Wow, there I was in a nut shell. I wanted to do well, but I could not. I was not alone; this guy who is responsible for half of the New Testament felt the same way that I did. In factRomans 3:23 stated, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." It was not only me it was everybody that was imperfect. This was what I now had to work on.
My faith was weak, and I needed to become strong. I was going to have to separate myself from others and make decisions that would alienate me from my friends. I did not want to be the reason to cause others to stumble, so I had to change a lot of my playmates and playgrounds once again. I would be alone once again, and being alone is something that I hated. James 1:2-4 says that we should, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking of anything."
I realized that the reason I had never been truly happy in my entire life was because I relied solely upon myself, and I could not do it alone. I had my friends, but I relied only on me. No one else was dependable. I always figured that my life sucked, and that was the reason why it got so rough sometimes. I read that in James and for the first time realized that it was the devil working against me finding Christ and building that relationship.
In verse 12 of James 1 it says, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." If I could just work through the trials of this world, it had to be better, right? I would use my own words to answer that question, but Romans 8:18 says this best "Our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." I so look forward to living this life right regardless of the struggles that I face, because of all that I have to look forward to after.
I started off in Narcotics Anonymous talking the walk, and I know that now. I have seen what the difference is between being drug free and being in recovery. I was miserable drug free. I was part of this world drug free, and I was a great example of how to live for you and be completely miserable. I wanted to quit, and still I struggled. Finally, I had enough. I wanted to be the kind of dad that I would want my son to grow into.
I prayed and I made a deal with God one night while I was drinking I behind the wheel of my car going home and there was a police car behind me that was following me turn for turn. I began to start praying to God. (Begging is more like it) I told him that I would quit drinking and fighting and cussing if he would allow me to make it home without getting pulled over and take the cigarette addiction away. That police car followed me through every turn from the bar until I turned onto the street that I live on, and he simply kept going.
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