Maria Kang: What's Your Excuse

Maria Kang, who is a 32 year old mother of 3 who owns two residential care homes for the elderly, runs a fitness non-profit that she founded and is a freelance writer. She posted a picture of herself posing with her 3 children who are 3, 2 and 8 months old. It had a caption over the top of it that said, “What’s Your Excuse.” Her point was that if she could have 3 children, the most recent one born 8 months ago, and still be in shape what is holding everyone else back?

I can relate to what she is saying with her picture. I am trying to lose weight, and have lost about 30 pounds so far this year. I still have another 30 or so pounds to go. It is impossible for someone else to cause me shame because I feel it myself. I am glad that people post fit pictures of themselves while discussing the hurdles they had to overcome in order to get there. It gives me inspiration and lets me know that I am not alone in my struggles and that success is possible.

Of course, many people are offended. Why? “How dare her be a bully!” followed by “I can’t believe that she is fat shaming!” There were also those who felt that she was trying to tell them how to look. I do not even begin to understand the bullying they are talking about, not the fat shaming. I am not even sure what fat shaming is. Finally, she is not telling anyone how they should look. She is making a point. So why are so many offended at this?

Honestly, I guess the truth really hurts. Another reason is because she is taking away one of the most popular excuses people have for gaining weight, having a child. There are multiple other excuses, like not having enough time, their genetics and the environment they live in. The truth is, many of us love to make excuses rather than take the time to make changes.  Finally, there is the blame game, such as “I am fat because I was abused as a child. Let us work at taking these excuses away.

 The first is not an excuse, it is just realistic. The truth does hurt. If people are saying untrue things about me, I can laugh it off. If they are saying true things or if something they say hits close to home I am liable to get angry and offended. That is my defense mechanism that allows me to stay the way I am while getting mad at someone else for simply being honest.

Next are the excuses. As long as I have reasons to act the way I act, look the way I look and think the way I think I never have to change which is good. Change makes me uncomfortable, and feeling uncomfortable is not something that overweight people enjoy. We generally eat to numb ourselves from real life, to escape problems or to insulate us by keeping people further away.

Finally, we have the blame game. I love to blame other people. If my problems are always someone else’s fault I can do nothing to change them. They have to change, and often they have to change things that are done in the past. Since this is impossible, I can remain the way I am and feel good about it. Maybe not good, but I can relegate myself to the fate I feel that others have thrust upon me.

How do we overcome these issues:

1.       I have to hold myself accountable for where I am today. I may have had things happen that led me down this path, but it was my choice to continue walking down it.

2.       Realize that although I may be powerless over the past and other people, I have the ultimate power when it comes to dealing with them. I chose how to deal with people and situations.

3.       If someone says something or does something that offends you, get honest and try to figure out why you were offended. It will frequently be something in your life that you need to work on.

4.       Stop making excuses to fail and start creating reasons to succeed.

5.       Start your day off with a gratitude list and a goal for the day. List 3 things you are grateful for and one thing you want to achieve that day. It can be as small as walking around the block or as big as running 5 miles.

6.       It is okay to have big goals, but make sure that you have little ones that help you step up to reach the big one. I want to lose 60 pounds; my first goal was to lose 5 pounds in the first month. I have been working in 5 pound increments.

7.       Eating and exercising are choices. I can choose to eat fast food, or I can choose to eat lean meats and vegetables with a weekly cheat. I can choose to be lazy or I can choose to be active.

PS – How dare some of you use your kids as an excuse to be lazy and eat poorly! I have kids, and we play. My 6 year old and I play basketball and catch. I chase my 14 month old around the house and take her to the park. Get off of your butts, set an example for your kids by eating right and get some fresh air with them and play OUTSIDE!!!!

To My Daughter on her 1st Birthday

My precious little Addison, this is the first letter I have ever written to you. I promise it will be the first of many. That is the first promise I have to you. This letter will contain several more:

Addison, I am writing this letter to wish you a happy first birthday. It has been a real joy to share the first year of your life with you, and I look forward to many more. This first year of your life has flown by for me, and I wish I could have been in it more.

Your mother has been able to stay at home with you and she gets a lot more time with you. If anything, I am jealous of the time she shares with you that I cannot because I am working. The bond you two have is awesome, and your love for each other is impossible to miss. Above all else, I would say that you are well loved.

Although you are not old enough to read this, you will be before I know it. I want you to know how great it has been to share the first year of your life with you. Your smile lights me up when I am down, and it has since the first time I saw it. It was right after you were born. I remember that first smile well.

They handed you to me and closed the curtain between us and your mom. She was having complications and I was scared for her. You went from screaming to quiet and when I looked at you there was a smile. Your smile let me know that everything would be okay. It comforted me when I was stressed and worried. It was the first time that your smile calmed me. Here I thought I was supposed to be here to comfort you. I knew right then how special you were, and that I would be there for you no matter what happened. I knew that I would never let anything happen to you, and that as long as I was there you would be always be safe.

Unfortunately, I have already struggled with that several times due to you being born with cataracts and a heart murmur. I know that I will struggle with it on occasion in the future, too. There are some tough lessons you will surely learn from life that I cannot shelter you from. That said, I will always be there to pick you up, brush off the dirt and comfort you when those things happen.

Your older brother was in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) and I did not get to hold him for the first week of his life. I stayed awake with you for the first two days of your life so that would not happen again. I finally fell asleep and when I woke up you were gone. While I was sleeping, they had taken you to the NICU. It was the first time I felt helpless after you were born.

 The next time that I felt helpless was when you were two months old and they took you to have surgery on your right eye. A week later, they took you to have surgery on your left eye and I felt helpless again as I watched them take you out in your bed to surgery. I knew you were in good hands, but I knew that things were out of my control and all I could do was pray.

Those surgeries showed me what a fighter you were. Both times that you came out from anesthesia after surgery, you were cooing and smiling. It showed me how strong you were. It was almost like you knew how fragile I was and did not want me to break, so you were strong for both of us. Those were the next times you comforted me when it should have been the other way around.

I see that same strength and spirit in you today, as you balance on your feet preparing for that first step you will soon take. You have dimples on your face and a glint in your eyes that says, “Look what I can do.” I know that first step you take will be the first of many that lead you on to greater and greater things. I promise to be beside you on that journey if I can.

I may not be there for a lot of your journey, because there were choices I made when I was younger that could lead to me dying young. I have changed those things, but they may still come back to haunt me. Remember, the choices that you make when you are younger and feel indestructible will come back to haunt you later.

Fortunately, you have a mother that cherishes you and a big brother who dotes on you. They will be there for you when you need them to be, too. Know that for all the poor of choices I made when I was younger, you mother was my polar opposite. Because of that we have gained two different sets of knowledge. Together there is so much we can teach and show you.

As long as I am here, I promise to take you on a father/daughter date once a month. I also promise to do my best to raise you well. That includes me never doing anything that I would not want you to do or see whether you are there or not. If it is something that you should not do, I have no business doing it either.

I will set an example that I hope you follow. Look at how I live my life. See the good that I do for others and the way that I treat people. I expect you to live the same way. Treat people with respect even when they do not respect themselves. Always make sure that you live your live to be better and help those around you become better. If you are not living that way, there is something wrong.

Observe how I treat your mother. See the love and respect I have for her, and how that is evident in my actions and speech when we talk. Use that as a blue print for how the man you someday date should treat you. If he does not treat you as I treat your mother, than you need to find a gentleman who will.

I am human, as are you. We will both make mistakes and poor choices. I promise to continuing growing with you, sharing what I learn as I grow and encouraging you to share what you are learning with me. Never be afraid to admit your mistakes and always be quick to say you are sorry. If you acknowledge your mistakes you can correct them. If you don't admit mistakes, you are sure to repeat them.

See that your words and your actions always match up. Remember that people cannot know your heart or your intent. Instead they will gauge who you are by the things you say and the things you do. Never give them a reason to doubt that you are who you say you are and try not to be good friends with people whose actions don’t match their words. Other people will see you as being the same way.

Never settle for less than the very best, for that is what you deserve. Never stop making improvements in your life, whether through education or application. I do not want you do good, I want you to do great. That means always asking questions, finding answers to them, than making informed choices that will guide your life in the right direction. Know that there is nothing you cannot do, for you are fierce. 

If you ever have any questions, please ask them. I promise to always tell you the truth. I learned most of my life lessons the hard way. Most of us do. Asking questions and coming to your own conclusions from them can help you avoid some of the stupidity that comes as we experience life. I hope that my life being an open book will help you avoid some of the choices I made as I grew up.

There are times you will get mad at me. I am your dad, not your friend. At times the rules I set will upset you. There may be times that you tell me you don't love me because of them. Don't worry, I will never believe you mean it.

In all that you do and where ever you may go, always make time to pray. Take time out of every day to pray and meditate on the direction God leads you. That is the single most important piece of advice I will ever give you.

In closing, I love you princess! I wish you the happiest of birthdays today as you turn one. I look forward to seeing you become the lady you were created to be as we celebrate many more together in the years to come.

02/12/2013: My Bipolar Day

I do not say that my day is bipolar to to downplay the dangers or significance of bipolarism. In fact, probably quite the opposite. I actually know a lot about bipolar disorder. My grandmother, an immigrant from Germany, was diagnosed with manic depression psychosis. My father was diagnosed with manic depression and I was diagnosed with bipolarism. They are all names for the same thing. You could say it is a family tradition.

I also have a Bachelors degree in Psychology and a Master's degree in Social Work that was followed up by becoming a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Part of my job is diagnosing mental health disorders, including bipolarism. Not only have I have lived bipolarism, I have studied it.

That said, life can be bipolar. It can go from extreme happiness to extreme depression with the blink of an eye. For me, today is one of those days. I have much happiness as an anniversary and much pain as an anniversary today. It is my choice how I look at the pain and happiness as well as what I focus on. Life happens, and it either makes us better or bitter. Which is a choice you have to make.

I will start with the positive. 6 months ago today, Addison Grace was born. She is one of the happiest babies I have ever been around. Her smile melts my heart. She is a huge blessing, and completed my family. I have an amazing wife, a wonderful son who is a proud big brother, and my angel Addison. She also scares me. People tell me she will have me more wrapped than my son does. If that is possible that is not going to be a good thing.

5 years ago today, my dad lost his struggle with bipolarism. My father committed suicide. I will not get into how  he did it here, but he used 3 different methods that each by itself would have killed him. He wanted to die. I had talked to him the night before and he was as depressed and down as I had ever heard him. The video tape showing him the next morning, shopping for the things he would use to kill him, showed him with a big smile on his face. That is where I find my solace.

My father had yo-yoed for his entire life, struggling with his disorder. He knew as he shopped that his struggle was over. He would finally be released from the roller coaster, and that made him happy. At the time, watching the video at the police station did very little to cheer me up. It helped me later.

At first I was shattered and I struggled. My drinking was already nightly and to the point of shakes if I went too long without drinking. It got worse. I took his suicide personally at first, and made it about me. How could he do this to me. I finally realized that he was miserable and did not see a way out. He was in pain, the kind of pain I can only imagine. He did not want to hurt anymore, yet I made it about me.

When I attempted suicide years ago, it was not about anyone but me. I was miserable and saw no way out of my addiction, so I just gave up. At least dead I could relax, I could be free. It took me a while to remember that and see that it was the same for my dad. He was wrong just like I was, but he felt that was the only way to overcome his struggles. He forgot about the casualties he left behind.

Suicide is not a victimless crime. It leaves people behind that blame themselves, wondering why they were not enough or if they could have said something different that might have changed the outcome. The truth is, the dead are dead. They have moved on. We are the survivors, the ones who are still alive. We need to find a way to move on ourselves.

I eventually gained the realization that his suicide was what he felt was best, and that if he was struggling that much I was glad he wasn't struggling anymore. I realized that my father had given me another tool in my counseling tool belt. I gained empathy for those left behind when a loved one committed suicide I did not have before his death. It also was a major portion of my upcoming rock bottom that saw me step away from alcohol/drugs/cigarettes/pre-marital sex and never look back.

In the end, my father's death helped me get sober. I am sure my wife is grateful, as are my son and daughter. I would not have them if I was still in my addiction. I still miss my dad, but I remember that he did the best he could and I loved him very much for it. I still do. Without him, I am  not the husband and father I am today. It is amazing how sometimes the worst experiences give us the wisdom and strength we need to grow into who we were born to be.

Today I celebrate all that my father did for me, and I focus forward on my amazing daughter. Two of the most important people in my life. I guess today is not that bad after all!

I AM A DAD!!

There are some roles in this world that we are given that we do not take nearly as importantly as we should. I know that Dad is one of those roles. The statistics for boys and girls that grow up without their father or a strong father figure in their lives in plain scary. The statistics for children that have their dads in their lives is reassuring.

Yet with all of the research out there )showing girls without fathers in their lives are 10 times more likely to get raped and 12 times more likely to be addicted to drugs as well as boys being 12 times more likely to drop out of high school and 20 times more likely to go to prison) we still have children that have no active dad in their lives. This has got to change. It is not only morally right, it is also Biblically correct:

1. Malachi 4:6, "And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the earth with a curse." 
2. Ephesians 6:4, "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord."
3. Proverbs 22:6, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

As you can see from these scriptures, a father is vitally important in the lives of their children. I also think of my clients and the number of them who either did not have their father in their lives at all or had a dad who was in and out of prison. Those children have themselves grown up to be alcoholics and addicts after living through countless horrors: physical abuse as a child, being molested, raped, selling their bodies, going to prison and going from one violent relationship to the next all the while searching for that father figure they never had. 

In order for this to not happen, we need to become more active in the lives of our children. I want my son to hear about my past from me, not from the people around him. I want him to know my face because he sees it, not because he has been shown pictures. I want my son to learn right and wrong from me, not from somebody else. I want my son to learn how to treat a lady from me, not from his classmates. I want him to be educated on the dangers of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes at home by me and not during lunch behind one of the school buildings from his friends. 

But there is a catch! In order to teach him, I must be present in his life. That means that I must take time from my busy schedule and make him the center of my attention sometimes. It means that some years he may get vacations that he wants and I will not get the one that I want. It means that I may miss a game here and there on television. I have to spend quality time with him or all is for naught. But this should not be a problem, and this weekend my son reminded me why it is not a chore to be around him. 

This Christmas my son amazed me, as he often does. He saw the drum set he got for Christmas and squealed. He then proceeded to play for the next half hour. All I had to do was look at him and give him a thumbs up and the smile on his face set my heart on fire. How could anyone look at one of their children and not want to be in their lives. 

His smile made me realize that it is not only him that learns from me, but I have learned from him as well. He has taught me how to fully love unconditionally, a lesson that my father had taught me but I had somehow forgotten. Through prison, physical abuse, depression and addiction I had hardened my heart. I would let no one in. 

My son reminded me why I had to let people in. If I do not open myself up, then all that I have been through is for nothing. The devil has won. He has tortured me and tormented me and I will keep that to myself and not use it to help others who are hurting now. Thanks to him I remember that I need to love others even when they fail me. You see, for the first year of my sons life I failed him, and yet I am still his world. 

I love that little guy! Every day I thank God for the gift of my son to remind me what unconditional love looks like. Thanks to my son, I get to live a live worth living. Thanks to my son, I am a dad!!

Lasting Impact of Suicide (I Miss You Dad)

My father was amazing, and that is the first thing that I would want everybody to know. He was human, he made mistakes and he had a huge heart. He loved me unconditionally and always had faith in me no matter where I was in my addiction that I could overcome it and be a better me. He also knew that the only way that would happen was through God, so he constantly told me that he was worried for my everlasting soul and that I needed to turn my life around and turn my life over to God.

There are often times that my father is remembered fondly by me. Every time that I get down on the floor and wrestle with my son, I am reminded of my father. When ever my son and I go outside and play catch, I am reminded of my dad. When my son and I goof around and sing with each other, I am reminded of my father. When I look at my son and know in the deepest part of my heart that I love him and would never do anything to hurt him, I am reminded of my father.

I am often overcome with nostalgia at the weirdest times. It could be a random thing I do with my son, and I remember my father doing it with me. There are also many songs that still make me cry several years later. I cannot hear our favorite song to sing together, "You've Got a Friend" without remembering my father's love. His heart was huge. (Here he is with my sister)

I cannot hear "Dance with my Father" by Luther Vandross without remembering my goofy dad scooping me up and dancing with me and the knowledge that it will never happen again. Every time I hear "Leader of the Band" by Dan Fogelberg I think of my father's love for music. Finally, I cannot hear Elvis Presley's "Don't Cry Daddy" without imaging how he must have felt at the very end.

There are times that I remember my father with tears and questions that will not be answered in this life. I know he had to feel miserable, but I also know that he was a devout believer in God and the Bible. Since that is how he felt, I can not even imagine how depressed and alone he must have felt to take his own life. He knew the impact that suicide might have him spiritually and eternally, yet he felt compelled to do it anyway.

There is also the impact that suicide has on the survivors. Instead of a monetary inheritance, you inherit guilt. It is hard not to wonder if you could have done more, or been there more often and spent more time with them. Your emotions are hard hitting and fast changing. My emotions were as BiPolar as my father once was. I bounced from one to the next with no rhyme or reason, but I felt them deeply. You will feel all of the stages of grief and loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

But, and this is a huge but, that acceptance will fade at times and the wound will resurface. For me it is knowing that my son will never get to meet the most influential man in my life. He will never get to meet him and for that I am forever heartbroken. I remember taking my son to Florida 4 months after my father took his life and the anger and hurt I felt suddenly reappeared. The wound was reopened. It felt like someone ripped the scab off, poured salt into it and ground it in with their hand. But I got better

And that brings me to today. Today I heard "The Leader of the Band" and thought of the news I have gotten this week. I am to be a father again in roughly 8 months. My wife is 5 weeks along. As I sat in my SUV driving back from the gym I heard "Leader of the the Band."  It made me think of how wonderful it is to have another child to raise. A child to teach morals and values and to watch grow up. But then I thought of having another child who will never meet my dad.

I guess that is the lasting impact of suicide. A wonderful father and incredible grandfather taken from those who loved him much too early. I will have yet another child born who will only get to know my father through pictures and fond stories. That breaks my heart, knowing they will never get to meet him. Yet I have some hope. Like the song says, "My life is just a poor attempt to imitate the man." In a way they will get to meet my father, by watching me and how I love them. That is what helps me deal with his passing.

I heard Dan sing his song and all I could focus on was the end of the chorus. "I am a living legacy to the leader of the band." I am the father that I am today because of you dad, and for that I am forever grateful!!

The 1 Rule that Changed My Life

This may sound too easy to some of you. One rule that can change your life; it may sound too simple to be true. Is there really one rule that can help me change the way that I live my life? I would say yes! I am living proof that you can make changes in life. I have been through the wringer over and over again. I hit rock bottom and I grabbed a shovel, as most of us do. It is like hitting the bottom is not good enough for us. I always thought that being bad was all that I was good at. I tried to be an overachiever in my addictions, from drugs to violence to sex to crime. 


When I realized that I needed to make changes after I got saved, I made one major change in my life. That one thing was to ask myself several questions before I did anything. It was all that I needed to do. It will not happen overnight for most of us, but eventually we will not need to ask ourselves the questions anymore. Why? We will no longer have to live our lives as if because the question that we used to ask ourselves will be answered. We will have developed a pattern of doing the right thing.

To start off with we will look at how a pattern is made. Imagine that you live in a house that is separated by several hundred yards of woods from your best friend’s house. Furthermore, imagine that it is quicker to cut through the woods then to go around them. You know, shortest path between two lines being a straight line and all that. Visualize going through the woods. 


The first time that you go through them, it will be difficult. You will have to walk through briars and overgrown brush. You will have to try to blaze a new trail. The next day, you will have to pay careful attention to the trail so that you can see it; if you can see it at all. As the days pass with you and your friend walk back and forth through the woods several times a day, the path through the woods will begin to get trampled down. It will become easier and easier to get through the woods to your best friend’s house. It will get easier to see. Eventually you will have a nice trail and the danger of the briars and brush will be gone. You will now be able to stay on the path with very little attention to it because it is now worn down and obvious.

Our brain acts in much the same way. We have electrical impulses that are sent from neuron to neuron, or from your house to your best friend’s house, in your brain. These impulses begin to build neural pathways in our brain. These are the trails that we talked about as we walk to our best friend’s house. These trails are presently nonexistent for some of us. We have never done the right thing. If we did, it was probably accidental or incidental. We therefore have our work cut out for us.

At first, we have pathways that have already been built that we will have to overcome. It may be automatic for us to cuss or fight when we get angry. When we need something, our first impulse may be to steal it or hustle to make money illegally instead of working for it. When we are offered a drink or a drug, it is an automatic reaction to accept it. When faced with whether or not we should lie or tell the truth, we always choose to lie.  We will have to overcome these first. That is why we have the questions that we will ask ourselves when faced with every situation in our life are asked. These questions are kind of like moral training wheels for us.

As we begin to make the right choices, we create new pathways that will override the old pathways we have that are wired to do the wrong thing. The more that we do the right thing, the easier it will become. Just like that trail, we will have to pay less and less attention to what we are doing because it will become a well walked path that is now the only viable pathway for our brain’s electrical impulses to travel.

So what are the questions that we need to ask ourselves? For me I realized that it was an automatic response for me to do the wrong thing. I found myself always in fights, drunk, being immoral, cussing, lying, etc. You name the sin, and I was doing it. I always justified what I was doing by saying that as long as I was not shooting up drugs that I was doing great. 


This was fine when I was agnostic and I was not a father. I had no higher power to answer to. I had no one who looked up to me that I needed to set an example for. That is at least what I thought. When I reflect back, I still had a niece that was being raised alone by my sister that needed to see what a positive male looked like. I was never that person in her life, and I let her down when I was in my addiction and not in a relationship with Christ. In my anger, I was oblivious to anyone’s needs other than my own.

Then I had my son, and my thinking began to change. It was not long after I had my son that I began to examine my life. I began to realize that I needed to make some changes to my life. I tried and I was unable to do it. Then my father died. I was lost. I could not see up from down. My drinking intensified, and I was emotionally unavailable for a couple of months. Then I started to go to church a little more frequently and realized that I needed to change. 


I was unsure how to do it. My brain was hardwired to always have the first thought wrong syndrome. I would argue that it was every thought wrong back then. I began to ask myself several questions that made all of the difference to me. I wanted to be a better parent to my son, and I needed to start sooner than later. What could I possibly do to accomplish better parenting?

Over time the best way that I have found to parent is to always act like my son is on my right side and Christ is on my left. I would ask myself, "If Christ were here, would I say/do that?" and if the answer was yes, I would then ask myself, "If my son were here, would I say/do that? Would I want my son to say/do that?" If the answer to all 3 of those questions was yes, then I knew that it was okay to do.


If you are in a relationship or married, you can use your partner. Imagine that you are a flirt, and that you always flirt with the cute person in your office. Now ask yourself those two questions before you engage in behavior! If my wife were here, would I flirt with my coworker several times a day? Now ask yourself question two. Would I want my wife to flirt with the good looking guy at her office all day? How would that make you feel if you were to walk up and see that happening? Would you feel loved, betrayed, happy, outraged, etc. Think about how the same action you are preparing to do would make you feel before you do it to someone else!

The cool thing was that over time I no longer had to ask myself those questions. For starters, I no longer had to act like Jesus was next to me. I knew for a fact that Christ was always by my side. There was no need to pretend anymore. Furthermore, I did not need to ask myself if my son were there would I do this because my Spirit-led morals always lead me in the right direction. In fact, when I put Christ first, I know that I am setting a great example for my son as well as a blessing to my wife. If I follow the principals of a true Christian and put Christ first in all that I do, I will be a great father, a great husband, a great worker and a great friend!

Movie Review - My Sister's Keeper

I have managed to get emotional since I had a son and stepped into recovery. I am unsure of which of these two events caused me to get a heart, or if it was a combination of both of them. The short story is that now I care, now I cry, now I allow myself to feel. Generally this translates into a tear here or there during a movie. After all, I am a movie guy. I love movies, even ones that have no redeemable value. This movie was quite different.

I just watched a movie that ripped my heart out, from start to finish. It was one of the most emotional movies that I have ever seen. It tugged at my heart as both a parent and a care giver. It touched on some important ethical concerns that in some cases need to be addressed. I was amazed at the dark nature of the movie, but it is about a young girl who is diagnosed with Leukemia. Enough said.

The movie consists of a family of five. There are three children, oldest child is son Jesse. Then there are the two daughters, Kate is the middle child with Leukemia and Anna is the youngest. Anna was genetically engineered by her parents to be a perfect donor for her sister Kate. She has been a donor for her sister her entire life. There are a lot of flashbacks and montages through out the movie that point to how Jesse was ignored and Anna's feelings and the pain she endured were never taken into account by either of her parents.

Anna has gone to an attorney to get medically emancipated so that her parents can no longer harvest her body against her will. They have taken a lot from her over the years, and this time Kate needs a kidney. It is interesting to see the love that is still shown by Anna to her sister and the love that she receives in return from Kate. Her mother, who is an attorney, is willing to take the case to court. How dare her daughter not want to give her kidney to save her sister's life.

Through the court case we see the interactions that the family has had with each other and how Kate's Leukemia has caused them to grow closer together. We also see the pain that Kate has gone through in relationships and in her disease. There is a boy who also had cancer that she had a romance with that is replayed through flash sequences.

The movie has raw emotions that are laid out before us by some pretty superb acting. The plot continues along as the case is taken to court and the initial shock of Anna's announcement continues to ripple through the family. There is humor that is interspersed through out the movie, and it flowed well.

I do not want to give away that much of the movie, I guess that this review is simply to tell you that it ripped my heart out. It will probably have the same effect on you. It was a tear jerker, and there was a good story to go with it. It shows how some parents will do anything for their children, and often the child's own concerns and best interests are not taken into consideration.

Sometimes we as parents do what is best for us, and what we perceive is best for our kids. I grew up with kids who hated playing football (or basketball, baseball, cheerleading). They practiced all year long and went to camps for the sport from elementary school all the way through high school, and hated every minute of it. They only played it to make their parents happy. When they tried to talk to their parents about not playing, they were never listened to and taken seriously. That cannot be!

I guess that what stood out to me most in this movie was my responsibility as a parent. I have a responsibility to look out for the best interests of all of my children. I should never put one before the other, and I should always make sure that what they are doing is something that they want to do. It should not be for me or because of what I think is important.

 There will always be things our children want to do that they cannot, that is a no-brainer. What I am saying is that we should listen to our kids and not live out our fantasies through them. This movie made me think of the children that are never given a choice, but instead expected to do what their parents want without taking what they want into consideration. It is also a scary look at the ethical dilemmas that we could theoretically face thanks to our advances in technology.

All in all, I give this movie an A-. There are definitely some lapses in the story that is told, but Abigail Breslin and Sophia Vassalieva are exceptional as Anna and Kate respectively. Alec Baldwin is great as the attorney hired and Joan Cusack does well as the judge. Jason Patric is believable as a dad torn between supporting his children and backing up his wife. Finally, Cameron Diaz plays the mother bent on saving her daughter's live no matter what very well. There was some offensive language, some underage misbehavior, alcohol and some graphic hospital and health related scenes.

Songs of Recovery - How the Devil Used Music to Control Me

There is something about music that really affects us. It has the ability to impact our lives, it can make life seem more worth living. Even Friedrich Nietzsche had to admit that. He said that, "Without music, life would be a mistake." Music is a great escape. It can save us from our feelings, or it can intensify them. Maya Angelou said, "Music was my refuge.  I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness." 

Music has always affected me in immeasurable ways. Like food is for our physical body, I believe that music is food for our soul. It will nourish us, sustain us, we are what we eat. Junk food is seen through our physical bodies when we have too much of it. That said, if we listen to junk music it can be seen in our actions and how we live our lives. Just like food, music has a manifestation.

I can remember listening to mostly gangster rap and heavy metal when I was in my addiction. I was angry, so I listened to angry music. I was violent, and I listened to music about violence. I was an addict and a drunk, so I listened to music about drug dealing and partying. I reveled in my sin, so I listened to songs about debauchery. I had extreme road rage, and have punched people at red lights and stop signs for cutting me off in traffic. The music encouraged my rage, and discouraged restraint.

Don't get me wrong, I take responsibility for my actions. That said, the music helped. Kind of like smoking cigarettes and cancer. You may not want to get cancer, yet you smoke. You are still responsible for the choice that you made, but the cigarettes led to lung cancer having a higher probability of occurance in you. Music is the same way. I probably would have continued making negative choices in my life without the music, but the music increased the probability of my making the choices that I did.

Even after the addiction, I still kept the music. And I wondered why I stayed angry. I wondered why I still felt such a strong pull to always do the wrong thing, to make the worst possible choice in any given scenario. I feel that music is just another way that the Devil can control us. I heard songs about drugs, money, threesomes and other sins. I sang these songs, and I liked them. Tell me that is not reinforcing the behaviors.

Why would you go to church and hear about Jesus dying to forgive us of our sins, then sing songs that praise the sins that Jesus died to forgive us of when we are not in church. I thank Jesus in church for dying to forgive the very same sins that I praise by singing about outside of church? That is nonsensical at best, and pure sin at its' worst. I believe that it sends mixed messages to those who know that we are Christian, to our family members and especially to our children. This goes back to a past blog that asked if you are a stop or a go Christian that you can find here:  http://spiritualspackle.blogspot.com/2011/05/stop-or-go.html

If we truly believe in the Bible and are trying to represent Christ, we would not sing songs that glorify sin! If you want to change your life, why would you only change one aspect of it and not change it completely? My listening and singing the songs that I did was just one more way for the Devil to control what went into my mind and came out of my mouth. It was also influencing my moods, emotions, how I appeared to those around me and how people look at Christians if I am one that they have close contact with.

 As a dad, I cannot imagine hearing my son sing the lyrics that permeated my life as an addict. Why would I want my son to hear music that is diametrically opposed to how I want him to grow up. He soaks up everything, and I know that what I listened to would have a detrimental effect on him if I still listened to it.........so I do not. I have made the switch to worship music. I no longer listen to secular music except on rare occasions. I no longer go to secular concerts, I only attend worship concerts. This is my choice, and I will get into the reasons for that in another blog. 

The bottom line is, we need to change what we ingest mentally. There is an acronym, GIGO, that come to mind. It stands for garbage in garbage out. If I continue to soak my soul with music that is garbage, then that will encourage me to act in ways that garbage, metaphorically speaking. The blogs that are entitled Songs of Recovery will be blogs that discuss how different songs have positively affected my recovery and strengthened my belief in Christ and will end with a video of the song. They will also discuss how that song can be used by you to encourage and strengthen your walk with Christ, or help you build a stronger recovery.

To end this blog, I do not have a song. Instead, I have a poem from the Passion for Christ Movement, or P4CM. It discusses how the devil loses us when we give up our secular interests and begin focusing on Christ and being Christ-like. How Dynamic Living and being a Lukewarm Christian are the exact opposite. It discusses how we have to make unpopular decisions and separate ourselves from worldly things. Christ did not call us to be comfortable...........

My Superman

In this day and age, there needs to be more superheroes. I know that this may seem like an absurd statement, when there seems to be a new superhero movie released every other week at the theater and there are a lot of everyday heroes who step up when others will not. Those are the people that I am talking about, not the ones with the spandex tight suits, but the guys who step up and do what should be done when there are so many others who refuse to do the right thing.

I am really more of a Wolverine guy, but I would like to tell you a little bit about the guy that I called Superman. He was not named Clark Kent, but he was mild mannered, gentle and unassuming like him. He was mild-mannered in that when I would get into fights, he could never understand where my violence came from. I have seen him get hit and just stand there and take it, because he believed in the literal turning of the other cheek. He was gentle in that I know that he never hit any of his children, nor did he get into any fights after his teen years. He was unassuming because you never heard him brag about his achievements, even though there were many things that he did over the course of his life.

This is where I come in. Today I am going to tell you about the real life Superman that I had the pleasure of knowing, much like the people of Metropolis who loved the man who always saved the day and told grandiose stories about him. Some of my stories of Superman will be grand and some will not, but they will all be honest.

Superman was born to parents who were German immigrants who actually had their name changed at Ellis Island so that it would sound less German. He was born in Illinois, were he went to school and eventually joined the Army. This was a time that he never talked about, his time in the Army. Yet he did it, and he left the service with an honorable discharge. Some would say that serving his country makes him a hero, and I would agree with that. But it did not make him Superman.

He jogged all of the time, and running was one of his passions. Once a week he would run 20 miles to work, complete a 12 hour shift, then run 20 miles back home. He was inspired and at peace when he ran. Some would say that the focus and ability to run like he did was superhuman. At least I would, because I cannot run more than 10 feet without needing to be given oxygen. But it did not make him Superman.

He had a knowledge of the Bible that was unbelievable. He actually worked at the world headquarters for the  denomination that he believed in for several years. He loved to talk to people about his faith, and how life without God was miserable. He would minister and evangelize to people he had just met because he was worried about their eternal salvation. That takes courage that many of us today lack. But that is not what made him Superman.

He dealt with Bipolar Disorder, or what is commonly referred to as Manic Depression, his whole life. He lived with it and was still nice to those around him. He had his episodes because he would get feeling well and then wrongly think that he no longer needed his medication. He would then stop taking his prescriptions, then have a manic episode after a year or two and have to get stabilized on the medication again. He did this for decades without giving up. But that is not what made him Superman.

If someone met him, they were instantly friends. He was able to joke around with people standing next to him in line, and he never judged or looked down on anyone. I remember seeing him one day at the bus station in a state that he did not live in. As he left the station he had probably 30 people yell goodbye or shake his hand on his way out.  That was the charisma that he had. But that is not what made him Superman.

He was a recovering alcoholic. He had drank for years and was given to excess, especially during his manic highs. He never made excuses for his drinking, and he had 20 plus years of sobriety. He also would help those at church who were given to excess, and was always there to share his strength, faith and hope of overcoming addiction through a relationship with God. Battling addiction and overcoming it is something that 90 % of alcoholics fail at. He did it. But that is not what made him Superman.

After his first wife left him and took his three children with her (two biological and one step), he would travel 6 hours one way (12 hours round trip) to see his children every other weekend. He did this for two  and a half years, and he never missed a weekend. He put his entire summer on hold when he had his children with him, and would spend weeks at a time with them giving them his undivided attention. This made him an incredible dad. But this is not what made him Superman.

When he got the opportunity to get custody of his son, he jumped at it. He brought his son home and raised him as a single father for several years before getting remarried. He always put his son first and foremost, and his son never wondered whether or not he was loved, because he knew it. This also made him an incredible dad. But this is not what made him Superman.



Dad, tomorrow is father's day. You have been gone for 3 years now, and I miss you incredibly. I wish that my son would have gotten the chance to meet you, but he never did. The reason that I wish my son could have met you is because to me, you were Superman. Not because of the spiritual influence that you gave, not because you worked through your own addiction and mental illness, not because you could always run me into the ground on the track, not because my mom left you and I never heard you say a bad word about her, not because you served our country, not because you were charismatic, not because you never judged or looked down on anyone, not because you never hit or spanked me, not because you loved people enough that you wanted them all to know Christ and have the opportunity to live forever, not because you always carried me on your shoulders, not because you never once told me you were too busy to play ball(baseball, basketball or football), not because you never missed your weekends with me, not because you loved me unconditionally through my addiction/jail/prison and not because you were a stand up man and a dedicated father.

You are not Superman for one of these things or some of these things, but for all of these things. You taught me how to be a man and how to be a father. Even though I did not get it for 3 decades, I get it now. You never gave up on me and you loved me no matter what, because that is what fathers do.

You are Superman because you had faith that I would eventually grow into the father and husband that I have. You are Superman because thanks to you I will be an incredible father, because I will pass on all that I learned from watching you. You are Superman not for some of what you did, but for everything that you did.

Dad, I just wanted to say a few things to you on this father's day. I wanted to say that I love and miss you. I wanted to say that you were always a great dad even when I was not a great son. Finally, I wanted to let you know that my son will get to know you not just through pictures and stories, but by seeing how I live my life and raise him. He will know you because he knows me, and you live through me. I am and always will be a living legacy to who you were Dad!!! I hope that you are proud of the father I have become. I'll see you when I come home!

Still on vacation... I want to love like that/Praise you in this Storm

My son is still surprising me every day on this vacation. He walked all day long once again today. This is the same son who cannot walk from the car to the tram at Silver Dollar City. He walked today from 10:30 - 7 at Walt Disney's Hollywood Studios. Two straight days of walking, running and jumping when he generally just perches on my shoulders.

He asked all of the time for me to bend down, just like he does when he wants to be picked up. The awesome part was, when I would bend down he would give me a kiss and keep walking. He loves me with his whole heart, and that heart is huge.
This vacation has been great, and I have been awed by his affection.

Do not get me wrong, his love overwhelms me often. Everytime that he sees me, when I drop him off at daycare and when I tuck him in at night he gives hugs and kisses and lets me know that he loves me. He even acts that way when I put him in timeout after he gets out of the corner. That is love.

I want to rely on God like my son does me. I want to love Christ the way my son loves me. Don't get me wrong, I try to love God with all that I have and all that I am. I feel that I could do a better job, and my son has shown me what unconditional means.

My son has me there to pick him up when he feels that he cannot make it on his own. He gets tired, and he is confident that all he has to do is look at me and put his arms up and I will swoop down and pop him up on my shoulders, making his day easier.

I know that all I have to do is turn things over to God when they get to overwhelm me. I know it, but it is sometimes hard to do. I pray for his will to be done, but I sometimes forget that his will and mine are not always the same. If I do what He wants me to, I find that my life is easier. When I try to do His will, he pops me up on His shoulders and insures that I suceed. But I sometimes forget to do that.

My son shows me that he loves me no matter what. If he is having fun or in trouble, if it is just me or it is in front of his friends he is unafraid to show me how much he loves me. He will scream "I love you whole wide world" across his daycare with it full of kids.

I want to continue building my relationship with Christ to the point that I am unafraid to vocally claim my love. I will be unafraid to pray no matter who is around. I will tell others of the changes that the Holy Spirit has wrought in me regardless of who might judge me. I will raise my hands in worship no matter who is next to me or watching, even if I am the only one in the room who worships that way.

I spent my whole life in agony denying there was a God. I will spend the rest of my life in love with the force that recreated me and gave me a life that I can be proud of. I will praise God in the peaks and valleys, the feasts and the famines, the sunny days and in the storms. I know how miserable my life was without Christ, and I know how blessed I am now with Christ.

What My Son Taught Me on Vacation About Being a Christian

My son has gotten into a habit that I thoroughly enjoy now, but would be annoying if he were to continue it into his teenage years. He never wants to walk anywhere. As soon as we get out of the car, he will turn and look at me with arms uplifted and say," Daddy, carry me" to which I now reply, "You will look really funny riding on my shoulders when you are 16" as I pick him up.

He rides on my shoulders regardless of where we go. He wants me to carry him when we go to the supermarket, the park, Silver Dollar city, the mall, McDonald's or church. He may walk, but he never walks more than 2 or 3 minutes. Every time he asks, I stoop down and pick him up. I simply cannot tell him no.

The reason for refusing to tell him no is the memories I have of my father carrying me on his shoulders. I remember how connected I felt to my dad when I was perched right by his ear, whispering questions and telling him I loved him. I thought I could see everything, and I knew that my dad loved me. That is why I do not tell him no when he asks me, and he never walks more than a couple of minutes.

This all changed yesterday at Walt Disney World Animal Kingdom. He walked, which on occasion he does. What was different this time is that he never asked me to pick him up. We were at Animal Kingdom from 9 AM to 6:30 PM and he walked the entire time. I was surprised, but not truly amazed.

The reason for his walking yesterday is quite simple. He thoroughly enjoyed everything he saw and everything he did while at Disney. There was not a minute that his enthusiasm or curiosity was not piqued. Walking was no longer a chore, it was a path to fulfilling his desires.

As I reflected on the day I was reminded of Matthew 18:3, which says, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

When it comes to our faith, a lot of us are like my son. We expect those around us to do all of the work for us. We expect our pastor and our small group leader to do all the research, and explain everything to us. We do not want to spend time doing anything for ourselves. We lack both enthusiasm and curiosity when it comes to God. Why is this?

The problem is that we do simple math, and think we have the equation worked out: Church + tithe + small group = saved. That is all that we think that we have to do. We may know that we need to do more, but we think that we can coast. We choose to forget the first of what Christ told us are the 2 commandments to live by in Matthew 22, Mark 12 and Luke 10. It was also mentioned in Deuteronomy 6:5.

This command is to love God with our whole heart, mind, strength and soul. When you love something or someone that deeply it never leaves your mind. It is your first thought in the morning, and the last thing in your head as you go to sleep. It is something you enjoy, and it is not a chore.

Part of the issue here is that we are no longer curious when it comes to learning about Christ. I think most of us feel that after we get baptized everything is easy from here. We think, "I am saved, and that is all that I need to do. Why should I have to put time into a relationship?" I think that this is why a lot of marriages fail, too. Once the vows are exchanged and we put the ring on, we feel that we no longer need to work on building the relationship. That is probably a good subject for another blog.

We also lack enthusiasm, because worshiping God is not that the cool or hip thing to do. When your friends ask you why you did not come out last night, it is pretty lame to tell them it was because you were reading the Bible\meditating\praying. Why don't we stay home and do that. What is really so cool about hanging out with her friends.

I don't know about you, but I would much rather have eternal life than the friendship of some drunks and hedonists. That may sound harsh, but sometimes we have to be. Christ said he did not come to bring peace, but a sword that would divide households.

If we're to be divided from our own family, it would stand to reason that we would also be divided from our friends. We need to once again make reading the Bible, praying, meditating and reading books to assist us in living a Christian life a huge part of our life. We need to start enjoying building our relationship with Christ. If we are truly infused with the Holy Spirit we should be. If we are not enthused, than we need to look at what we are not doing right. I will write about how we can make Christ a major part of our lives in the future.