Lasting Impact of Suicide (I Miss You Dad)

My father was amazing, and that is the first thing that I would want everybody to know. He was human, he made mistakes and he had a huge heart. He loved me unconditionally and always had faith in me no matter where I was in my addiction that I could overcome it and be a better me. He also knew that the only way that would happen was through God, so he constantly told me that he was worried for my everlasting soul and that I needed to turn my life around and turn my life over to God.

There are often times that my father is remembered fondly by me. Every time that I get down on the floor and wrestle with my son, I am reminded of my father. When ever my son and I go outside and play catch, I am reminded of my dad. When my son and I goof around and sing with each other, I am reminded of my father. When I look at my son and know in the deepest part of my heart that I love him and would never do anything to hurt him, I am reminded of my father.

I am often overcome with nostalgia at the weirdest times. It could be a random thing I do with my son, and I remember my father doing it with me. There are also many songs that still make me cry several years later. I cannot hear our favorite song to sing together, "You've Got a Friend" without remembering my father's love. His heart was huge. (Here he is with my sister)

I cannot hear "Dance with my Father" by Luther Vandross without remembering my goofy dad scooping me up and dancing with me and the knowledge that it will never happen again. Every time I hear "Leader of the Band" by Dan Fogelberg I think of my father's love for music. Finally, I cannot hear Elvis Presley's "Don't Cry Daddy" without imaging how he must have felt at the very end.

There are times that I remember my father with tears and questions that will not be answered in this life. I know he had to feel miserable, but I also know that he was a devout believer in God and the Bible. Since that is how he felt, I can not even imagine how depressed and alone he must have felt to take his own life. He knew the impact that suicide might have him spiritually and eternally, yet he felt compelled to do it anyway.

There is also the impact that suicide has on the survivors. Instead of a monetary inheritance, you inherit guilt. It is hard not to wonder if you could have done more, or been there more often and spent more time with them. Your emotions are hard hitting and fast changing. My emotions were as BiPolar as my father once was. I bounced from one to the next with no rhyme or reason, but I felt them deeply. You will feel all of the stages of grief and loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

But, and this is a huge but, that acceptance will fade at times and the wound will resurface. For me it is knowing that my son will never get to meet the most influential man in my life. He will never get to meet him and for that I am forever heartbroken. I remember taking my son to Florida 4 months after my father took his life and the anger and hurt I felt suddenly reappeared. The wound was reopened. It felt like someone ripped the scab off, poured salt into it and ground it in with their hand. But I got better

And that brings me to today. Today I heard "The Leader of the Band" and thought of the news I have gotten this week. I am to be a father again in roughly 8 months. My wife is 5 weeks along. As I sat in my SUV driving back from the gym I heard "Leader of the the Band."  It made me think of how wonderful it is to have another child to raise. A child to teach morals and values and to watch grow up. But then I thought of having another child who will never meet my dad.

I guess that is the lasting impact of suicide. A wonderful father and incredible grandfather taken from those who loved him much too early. I will have yet another child born who will only get to know my father through pictures and fond stories. That breaks my heart, knowing they will never get to meet him. Yet I have some hope. Like the song says, "My life is just a poor attempt to imitate the man." In a way they will get to meet my father, by watching me and how I love them. That is what helps me deal with his passing.

I heard Dan sing his song and all I could focus on was the end of the chorus. "I am a living legacy to the leader of the band." I am the father that I am today because of you dad, and for that I am forever grateful!!