Rahna Reiko Rizzuto - Hero or villian?

Last night DJ's (my son) grandpa Rick called and asked if he could pick him up to take him fishing this morning. I told Rick yes, and my son overheard. He had trouble falling asleep and then woke up repeatedly this morning asking each time, "Is papa Rick here to take me fishing yet?"

After Rick came to pick him up this morning, all I could think of is how lucky my son is to have a grandpa that actually wants to be a part of his life. I remembered how hurt I was when I did not see my dad for a year when my mom left him. The thoughts that I was not good enough to keep my dad in my life. I blamed myself for him not seeing me, and always wondered what I had done wrong that made him not want to be around me anymore. Little did I know at the time, but my mother had left state with us and not told my dad where we were.

I still carried that blame and did not work through it until I was well into my 30’s, even though I knew better. I swore that I would never do that to a kid. I knew the impact that it had on me. I began substance abuse and self-abuse while struggling with depression at an early age and it continued into my mid-30’s. Not going to say that it was the reason, but it helped to fuel the fire once it started. The damage that was done to me was horrific by that event. Horrific, and It was unforgiveable.

Now I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who specializes in substance abuse, co-occuring disorder and family counseling. I see first hand the damage that is done to the children who have dads and moms not in their lives. I have a number of clients that are addicts today because they are still struggling with the questions I worked through in my 30’s: “Why am I not enough for you?” and “What can I do to change so you will love me and come back?” 


They are plagued by these questions because their parents aren’t in their lives and it kills them emotionally. Sometimes they put on the strong face and put up walls, but it hurts them severely! So today when I heard about Rahna Reiko Rizzuto I was shocked. Here is a women who had two children as well as a husband of 20 years, and decided that motherhood was not what she thought it would be. "I wanted to give myself more priority," Rahna says, so she left her husband and two children that were 3 and 5. 

She whines because she left her children and her friends would not talk to her because of it. That sounds amazing to me. Can you imagine her friends expecting her to be a parent to the children that she gave birth to? She says she now is able to pay attention to her kids in 5 or 6 hour blocks a couple of times a week. That is mighty big of her. Parenting when it is convenient. Further, can you imagine the pain it would cause to hear your mother on national television say that she never wanted to have you to begin with? We are not to have children for the joy that they give us, but the joy that we can give them. 


Now before every one jumps on the bash wagon, I want to applaud her for one thing. At least she gave birth to her sons and did not abort them. Now back to the point of this blog. She is up for a national book award for her book and has won previous awards?????? We are basically rewarding her for leaving her children. She can make a profit on the emotional/psychological harm she did her children by putting it in print! And some of you buy it??


Way to go Today Show, further praise her. I also like how she says that her children were not traumatized, and that they have the best of both worlds! She even says that their relationship has improved. I enjoy how she justifies her actions and tries to make herself feel good about what she has done. I would like to hear their opinion on it. From my experience in counseling, she has hurt them deeply.  


If this were a guy, we would not even be having this conversation. He would not be up for a book award or anything. In fact, we would call it business as usual. No courageous hero would he be called. I just do not understand why she is getting all of this credit. She is doing what any parent should do when the family splits up.......other than saying in books/blogs she has written and on the Today Show that she never wanted to give birth to your children. I guess that would be pretty rough. I imagine the kids at school are pretty mean to them with that kind of ammunition. 


How dare we make her feel like a saint. She is, just like any other parent who leaves their children because it is a hassle: self-centered, selfish and a bad parent. I would say the same thing if she was a he! We place no value on the family unit anymore. What saddens me is that she is lauded and called courageous and brave for what she did. 


No wonder our society is going down hill so fast. Suicide, murder, rape, abortion, divorce and substance abuse abound and a large part of that is because we are stepping away from family values. We live in a selfish, me first society. If I am not happy, I can just run away!! I don't have to be responsible for my actions. This is part of the great secularization of our country. Why should family values matter, if nothing matters? I imagine many would call a mother leaving her children and feeling good about it progress. If that is progress, I don't want it! 

Could Jesus Find a Disciple part 4 Following Christ in the Modern Era (Love Your Neighbor)

Matthew 22: 37-40 states that when Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Today we are going to look at what it means to love your neighbor as yourself. This sounds easy, but it is actually one of the hardest thing to do. We are to love our fellow man? Really? I know that there are some people I cannot stand. But at the heart of the distaste we have, the righteous anger we feel and the hate we may harbor is the mantra I have oft heard, "Love the sinner, hate the sin!" Unfortunately, that is not found in the Bible.

However, what is found in the Bible is Romans 13:8-10, "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet, and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law."

Just like yesterday, the theme today is love. Paul tells us that love fulfills the law. So, what exactly does it mean to love your neighbor as yourself? To most it means to follow the "Golden Rule." Treat others the way you want to be treated. I say that is not enough. I would challenge you to do more. We should not treat people the way we would want to be treated, but instead treat others better than we would want to be treated!

Furthermore, a lot of us may not be at a place where we feel that we should be treated with respect or love. Loving ourselves may seem impossible today, as we have not forgiven ourselves for our past choices YET. If we were to treat people the way we want to be treated, most people would leave our company depressed and angry. For those of us that applies to, I have another suggestion. Treat others better than we would want our children to be treated (If you have them, if not pretend).

As a substance abuse counselor, I work with many clients who have trouble loving themselves. That said, they have intense love for their children. They will stay in an abusive relationship, but when I ask what they would do if their daughter was in the same relationship, I get the same answer. "I would hurt the abuser and get my daughter out of that relationship because she deserves better than that." They do not deserve better, but their children do. Even though they are addicted to drugs, they would never want their children to use them. Once again, their children are better than that but they feel that they need or sometimes that they deserve it.

So, I am going to try to sum this up in a way we can all understand. Would you want your son's wife to cheat on him? No, then we do not sleep with someone else's mate! Would you want people to use your daughter as a one night stand? No, then we should avoid one night stands! Would you want someone to rob your children? No, then we should not steal from others! How would you feel if someone killed your  child? Bad, so we do not kill others.

It sounds very easy at face value, but it is not. We tend to look at some people as less than us, or some whose sins are worse than others. Not all sins are equal, but other than blaspheming the Holy Spirit they are all forgivable (Matthew 12:31, Mark 3:29 and Luke 12:10).

We seem to forget what the Bible shows us. Take Paul for example. He was a man who wrote 40% of the New Testament, and we would probably all agree that he is in heaven. Yet, before he had his conversion on the road to Damascus, his mission in life was to stamp out Christianity and have Christians tortured and put to death. He was a party in the death of innocents based on nothing more than their belief in Christ. Even he was well aware that his past sin was great. Paul was a man who was very cognizant of his level of sin.

In 1 Timothy 1:15,16 Paul goes so far as to say, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life."

Here we see that all is forgiven through belief in Christ and as we read above, through love of God and our fellow man. All sin can be overcome. Therefore, it is not on me to judge someone. We all want God's grace, but it is one of those things that can only be kept by giving it away. If I show grace to others, then I am worthy of it. Grace is often defined as either divine influence or unmerited favor. This means that it is given where it is not asked for and/or wanted. We use grace not to feel better than others, but to insure they are on even ground with us. We should never try to elevate our status above that of those around us. We should never look down on others because we have lived more pious lives. That is the danger of legalism.

Legalism generally causes Christians to feel pride, or that they are in competition with other people. Trust me, we are not trying to "out perfect" each other. We would all fall short. None of us are worthy of God's grace, yet it is given to us. Take for example the attitude of some churches when it comes to homosexuality. We used to look at divorce in the church like many churches look at homosexuality today. Even today there are churches that shun peope who drink socially, even if it is only a glass of wine or a couple of beers a week. Is that fair? What does that tell the person who feels looked down on in church from the moment they walk through the door? It is not on us to change others, but the job of the Holy Spirit!

So we should not shun individuals, or we begin to make people feel unwelcome in church. If they do not come to church it makes it more difficult for the Spirit to work on them. We should treat them with love and treat them with civility. Everyone sins just like me! I go to a church where probably 99.9% (I once heard that 100% is statistically impossible) of the members are guilty of gluttony, envy, lust or apathy at one point or another each week. I still love them and talk to them.

What if your child where to tell you that he was gay? Would you hate him and disown him, or would you still love him? Would you want people cussing him, asking him not to come back to their church or talking about him behind his back? Of course not, we would still want him to be treated with respect and to go to church. Based on this we should treat others in the same manner. If I would not want you to gossip about me or a member of my family, I should not gossip about anyone else, period!!

When did love mean that we told people that they were not welcome back to our church, as I have heard that some churches have done with homosexuals. Like I said, the same way that we treat homosexuals in some churches now is how the divorced were treated in churches only 50 years ago. Look around your church and think of how many of your fellow attendees are divorced and would have not been welcome in many churches several decades ago. Do you vilify them, or make them feel unwelcome because they have been divorced. Of course you don't! Everyone should have the right to come to church, because everyone is deserving of God's grace.

When we look at others we should try to see them through the eyes of our creator. AA has a saying that I have always liked. It says that you are working a good program when everyone else sees a bum and you see a prospect. Everyone that you lay your eyes on was created by God, and as the saying goes, "God don't make no junk!" Jesus did not spend his time loving the legalistic pharisees and sadducces, but instead the sinners and those that the pious believer looked down upon and would not even speak to. I don't know about you, but I know I am no better than Christ. In fact, I would do well to try and follow in His footsteps.

In closing, we are not asked to be disciples today the same way that we were called to follow Him 2,000 years ago. We are not called to leave our jobs and family instantly for Christ. We are called to follow Christ where we are and in all that we do. We are called to put the interest of God first and foremost in our lives, and to treat others better than we would want others to treat our children! If we live our life this way we are living as a Christian. If not, then we may have a surprise coming when we pass on to the afterlife. Narrow is the road to salvation!