Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I have been through several bad break-ups. I can count on one hand the number of break ups I have had that hurt me, and of those three were truly brutal. I am going to talk about the most recent break up that I had. This is one of the ones that really hurt me. For those of you that know me, you may be a bit surprised at this since it happened earlier this year.

About 6 months ago I had a 5 year relationship end. I was beginning to have doubts about the relationship, and was uncertain how to move forward. Should I end it, should I work through it. I didn't really know what I was going to do for sure. I talked about my dilemma with a group of friends at my birthday party and somebody went and told. My ex found out, and the decision I was unsure of making was made for me.

It hurt me, but I don't think I realized the extent of that pain until recently. It has really made it hard to move forward, but I am getting ahead of myself. To help you understand why it hurt me so bad, I feel that I should start at the beginning. The summer before I started 9th grade, I was fixed up by my dad and step-mother in a relationship. I know that sounds weird, but it happened. I guess they thought they knew what was best for me.

So we started seeing each other. As we got to spending more time together, we started having more and more in common. We spent a lot of time together, and suddenly we had the same interests. We shared hobbies and soon all of our friends were shared. It was then that I decided to open up and let someone in.

Dropping my walls and opening up was really rough for me. I had lost faith at a young age. I was abused physically, sexually and emotionally by people that were supposed to care and protect me. I thought I would never leave myself open to be hurt again. It took me some time, but I felt myself starting to care and trust again. I was beginning to believe it could happen.

I was wrong. Less than a year into that relationship, it ended. I made a couple of mistakes that I did not feel were that serious, and yet I was told we were done. When that happened, I had most of my friends stripped from me. In this break up, all of our friends chose sides and it wasn't mine. They sided with my ex and stopped talking to me.

I was hurt, but it was only a year relationship and I got over it. I made new friends pretty quickly, or so they thought. The truth was, the walls were back up and they were stronger and more impenetrable than ever. I was not going to let anyone or anything get to close to me. To insure that, I started using drugs and alcohol on a daily basis. It numbed me and allowed me to keep my distance.

I did this for years. I used more frequently and in larger amounts as my addiction grew. Soon I was confident that I would never be hurt again. I took pride in it, and most of my friends became people that were either hurt like I was or were celibate. Then I met a couple that changed the way I felt. They were in a relationship that was unlike any I had seen. It was real.

They talked to me about getting into a relationship like they had.  The more time I spent around them, the more I could see that their relationship was genuine and I wanted what they had. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted to trust again. More than anything, I wanted to have hope again. I was fresh out.

So finally I let them set me up. I was very wary at first. I was slow to open up. We would only go out once or twice a month. Even though I saw my friend's relationship was real, I was reticent to open up again. I had already seen what would happen if a relationship went south. I had seen it before, and I was sure that it would happen again if I opened up. I did not want to hurt like that again.

Over time, as we continued seeing each other, I began to get comfortable. I heard the things I needed to hear and began to develop feelings but I denied them. I continued to keep my distance and kept my walls up. Then one night I had a life changing event and decided to give it a chance. I would open myself up again and really pour myself into the relationship.

And pour I did. We began seeing each other a couple of times a week. I found myself talking about the relationship with my friends and coworkers, as well as telling them all the reasons I felt as I did. Soon, I began to believe that this time was different and I really opened up. My faith was restored, and I finally began to trust again.

Soon, almost all of the friends we had were shared. Our weekends revolved around each other, and we would frequently see each other during the week as well. We picked up a couple of shared hobbies, and I was sold. This time I was pretty sure I had found the one.

As I felt this, I began to read about other relationships and what people thought of them. I read books written by some of the most prominent authors on relationship; from both the present and the past. I also read what many consider to be the ultimate guide on relationships, the Bible. You see, the relationship I am talking about is the relationship I had with the church. The authors I am talking about are Francis Chan, Os Guiness, Charles Spurgeon, A.W. Tozer, G. Campbell Morgan, etc.

They made me start to look at the church I was going to in a different way. Then I began to see some faults. I felt some of the things I had partnered with them on were not supported the way I saw them support other people. Things had changed, some for the better and some of them for the worse. It was the ones that had changed for the worse I had issues with.

The church had opportunities to make things better in my opinion, and they did not. I decided to visit a couple of other churches to see what they had to offer. There were a lot of differences between the church I attended, the ones I visited and the mission of the church the authors I was reading espoused.

I wrote a blog called "The Secular Church" about those differences after a particularly bad experience at a church I visited. I was not sure what I wanted to do. I needed some input. My wife threw a surprise birthday party for me and invited my close friends. One of my friends talked about switching churches, and I said that I was having some thoughts about it too. I told my friends that I was unsure of what to do and we talked about the problems I was having then we went our separate ways.

Somehow church leadership found out about the struggles I had talked about at my birthday party.  That, coupled with the blog I had written, led to a divide between the church and me. I am unsure if it was hurt feelings or pride on my side, their side or both that caused the division. There were awkward things said and done. Even if I had wanted to stay, at this point my wife and I felt like we could not. It culminated with my wife being asked not to sing on a Sunday she was scheduled to lead worship.

At that point we stopped attending, and started looking for a new church. This is where we find ourselves now. I have not been attending a church regularly or consistently since the break up. I find myself on Sundays struggling to make it to church. I wake up on Sundays and I am not excited like I used to be for church. Instead, I am once again wary and putting up walls to keep me safe. I don't want to get hurt again. It has happened twice before.

My first experience with church was going with my parents. My parents would yell and scream at each other all the way there, then get out of the car and act like nothing had happened. Our parents had a friend of theirs from the church babysit us and that was the person who molested me. This is why I stopped attending church in the 4th grade.

Five years later I was made to go to the Kingdom Hall. That is the prior relationship I was talking about in 9th grade. I was lulled in and gave the church another try. One of the elders at the Kingdom Hall had two daughters. I made out with one of them, and my step-brother made out with the other. Nothing happened to the elder's daughters. My step-brother and I were disassociated, which means that we were excommunicated from the church and everyone there was forbidden to talk to us.

I am right back to where I was after that last time, only this time my friends are not forbidden from talking to me. Instead, it just seems kind of awkward. I talk to them and they ask what happened, if I answer their question they get offended. Some of the people who used to call me frequently have stopped calling me. Most of our shared friends don't seem to be as friendly as they once were. That is one of the ways it feels like past break ups.

Then there are the people who we run into that don't know we are no longer attending the same church. It is like running into someone you have not seen in a while who asks how you and your partner are doing when you are no longer together. Just a couple of weeks ago, I ran into someone who asked why my wife Julie was no longer singing. When I told them we were no longer going there, they were shocked. They thought we were just going to a different service then they were and they wanted to know why we left.

That is another difficulty, how do you answer that question, "Why don't you go there any more?" I always answer that question, as the Bible tells us to always bring to light things done in the dark. That and I have always been a pretty honest person since I got saved. Some would say I am too open and honest.

The problem now is that I compare every church to the last one I went to. I want all that was right with my old church coupled with all of the things I thought were wrong corrected to be present. Then it has to be a place that can use the God given talents that my wife and I have been blessed with. Unfortunately, I am having trouble getting close to any church. I am making excuses to not go to church which is a bad deal but I have good cause.

I am separated from the church I considered to be my home for 5 years as well as many of my friends. Since I had invested so much into it, I guess that it will take a lot longer to work through than I had originally thought it would. But I am coming to realize a couple of things that may help me as I pray on them and turn them over to God.

I forgot that churches are filled with people, who are imperfect. I realize that as hurt, confused and betrayed as I feel I am sure that there must have been others who felt the same way at my old church or it would not have ended as it did. I think that a big part of my pain was not leaving on my terms but instead feeling no longer welcome and my wife being asked not to sing. I took it as personally as my blog must have been taken by others.

In closing I ask for prayer for both my wife and I. We need understanding and strength to work through our still present confusion and hurt as well as a new home church that is Biblically sound, community focused and can use the abilities and gifts my wife and I have to further their ministries.